OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **

[reed1971]

Just know I am thinking of you

[BaileyB]

Well, my body won't expel all the pregnancy tissue so I have to schedule a D&C in the next week or so. I'm just numb. I want to be done with it all.

 

I'm so sorry. I wish you well and good healing.

[Tiana09]

I would say run as fast as you can an forget about this man. Raise your baby and hopefully you'll meet a single faithful man to be with. I am telling you as the other woman whose dated a married man for 9 years and I have a 4 months old son with him.he still tells me he is leaving his wife and all other plans,but never actually does. When I checked his Facebook,he is still host surprise birthday parties for the wife,took her to Vegas for their 10year anniversary which was last week and post photos together.

 

Please for your own sake and your child's,do not believe he will leave his wife.he would have done it by now if he wanted to be with you. I've learnt the hard way.

[Tiana09]

I'm sorry to about the termination,I wish you good healing and all the best.jist hang in there

[smalltownwriter]

The mindf*** continues. He came to be with me for the D&C, took me to the procedure, took care of me after, etc. He kept telling me he would be with me eventually but there was no actual plan. I've been trying to heal but it's really hard to heal when the only other person who knows, your partner in all of this is going to sleep next to another woman every night. I told him Friday I needed him to be with me or let me go.

 

Initially, he let me go. He said he couldn't give me what I wanted in the timeframe that I wanted it. Two days later, he's telling me he is going to leave her within the next few months. Stop me if you've heard this one before...

 

The only thing is that he always told me at the beginning, probably the entire first year, that he wouldn't divorce no matter what. Today, after telling me he's going to leave her, he's distant and somewhat cold. Tells me I didn't do anything, he's just processing his future and this is how he deals with it. It hurts to know a chance at a life with me is causing him so much strife. But what if he really goes through with it? Does he get a second chance? I know he f***** up all of this, but we've dealt with some true real life crap. And at the end of the day I don't want a life without him. What if this is him trying to make it right and he does it? Do I hold on and see?

[BaileyB]

For what it's worth, my vote is he doesn't get a second chance. He has done enough harm to you already.

[Birdies]

He is a serial cheater. Why "don't you want a life without him"?

 

I'm not asking that rhetorically. Serious question. What about imagining a life with a serial cheater, and one who had told you he'd never leave his wife, gives you confidence and hope in the future?

 

I'm not saying it can't ever work out well. I've been with my AP for a year and a half now so I'm not a "once a cheater always a cheater" believer, obviously. But there are people who make one series of bad immoral choices and then learn and never repeat them, and there are others for whom it's a lifestyle and a pattern. This guy has not given you ANY reason to trust him in the long term. For your own emotional health, I would try to love on as quickly as possible.

 

I'm sorry you're going through all this.

[QuestioningSoul]

I can't imagine going through that amount of pain. I'm sorry for that.

 

Just remember it will haunt you either way. If you don't end up with him, it'll hurt and you'll always wonder what if. However, if you end up with him you're going to know that there was a woman he said he'd never leave, and he left her. Your ego will say "But it was for me! That makes it ok!", until it's for someone else and it's you he's leaving.

 

Also, do you honestly feel that if he was leaving his wife in a couple months that he wouldn't have tried to talk you out of the abortion? Why in the world would he make you go through that only to end up being with you in enough time that you could have had the baby together?

 

Try to take your heart out of this and think levelheaded.

 

He's a liar. You deserve more.

[amomwhoknows]

If you were my best friend, and about to get involved with a man who has cheated on his wife(ves) and is now divorced and has two kids from two wives (who likely aren't very fond of him), I would tell you to run for the hills and run fast.

 

The fact that you cheated with him, including when he had a brand new baby, makes this all the more precarious for you.

 

Two things -- he gave you the answer you want because he wants to keep having sex with you. And he wanted to make sure you went through with the abortion.

 

Second, no way in hell can this guy keep a marriage together. No way. No how. Especially if you want kids of your own.

[smalltownwriter]

Not saying your assessment as a whole isn't justified, but to clarify: he has a fine relationship with his first wife, and I have seen no evidence to suggest he's lying and that he cheated on his first wife.

 

He also changed his mind before I terminated the baby. His intent is arguable, it was probably to clear his own conscience banking on me going through with it still, but he maintains that he freaked out and panicked, but at the end of the day he snapped out of it and wanted to have the baby. And he did tell me the day before he didn't want me to go through with it and that he would make it right. (Of course, my problem was that I didn't feel I could trust him about it because he had already told me I needed to terminate)

 

If you were my best friend, and about to get involved with a man who has cheated on his wife(ves) and is now divorced and has two kids from two wives (who likely aren't very fond of him), I would tell you to run for the hills and run fast.

 

The fact that you cheated with him, including when he had a brand new baby, makes this all the more precarious for you.

 

Two things -- he gave you the answer you want because he wants to keep having sex with you. And he wanted to make sure you went through with the abortion.

 

Second, no way in hell can this guy keep a marriage together. No way. No how. Especially if you want kids of your own.

[Miss Clavel]

 

wanted to have the baby. And he did tell me the day before he didn't want me to go through with it and that he would make it right.

 

carry the baby for 10 months, endure labor and then give your child to his current wife??

Edited July 10, 2017 by Miss Clavel

[MissCongeniality]

I'm going to be honest with you here and the truth is your a liability to his marriage now that you got knocked up. The best you can do is tell him you'll get rid of it and see how he reacts if he's all for it you know what kind of guy he is just say you got rid of the kid but things are too dificult and you want to call it quits raise the kid on your own never tell him the truth. Everybody wins.

[amomwhoknows]

Still, you would be a third wife -- a third wife! Of a man who has shown he will cheat on a wife with a newborn baby (and maybe while she was pregnant?).

 

End it. Tell him to come back when he is fully divorced -- but you shouldn't wait around. You also have made some poor choices here and need to really clear your head. Get some solid therapy, work on yourself and date.

 

So he lives out of state -- what does the future look like for you? Are you moving for him? Is he for you == and what about his kids?

 

 

figure out if he is really worth what the baggage that will come with him. Cause in your initial posts you made it sound like he really misses his kid from his first marraige -- the kid from his second marriage is still a toddler. So now he will be managing some kind of custody (maybe, if he even cares much) of a little one along with his older kid. (and that poor older kid, he is creating yet another change for her.)

 

This guy sounds like an ass.

Edited July 10, 2017 by amomwhoknows

[BaileyB]

Not saying your assessment as a whole isn't justified, but to clarify: he has a fine relationship with his first wife, and I have seen no evidence to suggest he's lying and that he cheated on his first wife.

 

He also changed his mind before I terminated the baby. His intent is arguable, it was probably to clear his own conscience banking on me going through with it still, but he maintains that he freaked out and panicked, but at the end of the day he snapped out of it and wanted to have the baby. And he did tell me the day before he didn't want me to go through with it and that he would make it right. (Of course, my problem was that I didn't feel I could trust him about it because he had already told me I needed to terminate)

 

Are you really defending this man? The man who has been married twice, cheated on his wife, got you pregnant and then told you to have the baby and he would raise it with his wife. He doesn't know if he's coming or going from his marriage. If you married him, you would be his THIRD wife. And to date, he hasn't demonstrated that he knows how to be faithful or make a relationship work with any of these women.

 

Does this sound like a good decision? Do you have enough faith in this man to trust him with your life? Would you advise your best friend to get involved with a man like this - would you have any faith this this man (who is still on the fence about leaving his wife) would be faithful and not go back to his wife (as they so often do).

 

As my dear mother used to say, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him...

[ClassyTaste]

He seems to live in a delusional state of mind. I do not believe his wife has any idea she is living in a open marriage. Have you asked him the tough questions. He is an attorney and should know his entire reputation is on the line if his wife finds out and decides to drag this through the courts. He will have a hard time finding a local attorney and she may consult all the best to bar him from retaining any of them. You will be dragged through the mud in the local courts. Do you believe your relationship could withstand this turmoil? There will be no honeymoon phase.

 

I would start asking him some tough questions. I worry about men like him. I agree with the posters who mentioned that there is much more wrong in his noggin then being a cheat and having affairs.

 

There was a recent case of a man who told his wife and daughter he was building a house a few hours away for years for them to eventually move in to. He was living two lives, the other woman was living there with him. The wife and daughter decided to visit the house and when they showed up, he killed them!

 

The above is sensational, but a prime example that you need to start asking tough questions and get answers that are not ridiculously delusional on his part.

[Birdies]

I say this with kindness and with empathy because I too have made a long and twisted series of poorly thought out, rash, and seriously destructive choices in the past couple years - your number one focus should be on getting to therapy so you can come up with some better coping mechanisms and decision making processes.

 

Forget about him for a while. The way you let him see if he could impregnate you so he would have to make a decision between you and his wife, shows a serious lack of ownership in your own life and in rational decision making. For the sake of your CHILD (you are a single mom to a young child, correct?), please try to get your head in the game here! Stay out of relationships until you can have a healthy approach to them. Otherwise, no matter how much you have your shlt together in the rest of your life, you are going to screw up your kid.

[BaileyB]

I say this with kindness and with empathy because I too have made a long and twisted series of poorly thought out, rash, and seriously destructive choices in the past couple years - your number one focus should be on getting to therapy so you can come up with some better coping mechanisms and decision making processes.

 

Forget about him for a while. The way you let him see if he could impregnate you so he would have to make a decision between you and his wife, shows a serious lack of ownership in your own life and in rational decision making. For the sake of your CHILD (you are a single mom to a young child, correct?), please try to get your head in the game here! Stay out of relationships until you can have a healthy approach to them. Otherwise, no matter how much you have your shlt together in the rest of your life, you are going to screw up your kid.

 

Indeed. I thought that you had finally seen this man for what he is during the pregnancy. A pregnancy that was traumatic and I would have thought, enough to send you to counselling to figure out what is so "wrong" inside you that you were willing to let a man get you pregnant, hoping that he would leave his wife for you. I'm really surprised that you are even considering letting him back into your life.

 

PLEASE, find a good counsellor who can help you to find a healthier way in life and understand why you have made these very self destructive decisions - so that you can have a healthy future with your child.

[usa1ah]

You are with a cheater. What do you expect? He is cheating on his wife with you. He is playing you, that is why he has never left his wife. He is a player. I seriously doubt that you are the only one he is cheating with.

 

You have done this to yourself by being with a married man. The only way to stop the pain and in your words "mind****" is to leave him.

 

You are destroying another family as well. How do you think his wife is going to feel if she finds out about you?

[elaine567]

Indeed. I thought that you had finally seen this man for what he is during the pregnancy. A pregnancy that was traumatic and I would have thought, enough to send you to counselling to figure out what is so "wrong" inside you that you were willing to let a man get you pregnant, hoping that he would leave his wife for you. I'm really surprised that you are even considering letting him back into your life.

 

Its called trauma bonding.

 

The conditioning that leads to trauma bonding focuses on two powerful sources of reinforcement recurring in succession over and over and at perfectly timed intervals. Psychologists call this reinforcement the ‘arousal-jag’ which actually refers to the excitement before the trauma (arousal)and the peace of surrender afterwards (jag).

‘Arousal-jag’ reinforcement is all about giving a little and then taking it away over and over and over in well timed intervals.

[Eccles]

To me, what he is doing is just part of the push - pull. One minute he is there, the next he isn't. I'm guessing you don't know which way is up? He's just giving you enough hope to stick around, but the moment you start trusting him and expecting some output from him - he'll back off again.

 

Absolutely he doesn't want to be without you, he probably does love you. But he is making sure it is on his terms. Its control. He has been incredibly cruel to you, and i'm sure he has enough life experience behind him not to be making massive life event 'mistakes' like that.

 

I do hope you feel better soon.

[QuestioningSoul]

Just please get some intense IC to figure out why you can't let go. I'm not taking the moral high ground with abortion, I'm pro choice, just please please think about this. He flippantly wanted a baby. It would "make fate decide". Then fate decided and he not only him hawed, he said he would raise the baby with his wife!! So you terminated his baby. He couldn't even be strong enough with his baby's life hanging in the balance to man up and make a decision.

 

This is not a man you want in your life. Please try to think about this logically, as hard as that is. He's a despicable human being. One of the lowest I've heard on here.

 

He plays games, literally with lives. Dump him. You have no idea how much more you deserve out of this one life you have.

 

Dont accept his weakness as normal. And don't accept his showing up occasionally as love. He has no clue what love is.

[usa1ah]

STW, you want him? Call his wife and tell her all about you and you bf. Give her details that can't be dismissed. Break their marriage and he is yours.

 

If you won't do this, then why are you destroying the marriage behind the wife's back?

 

You asked for a wake up. You asked not to be spared. You are destroying a family because you want another woman's husband. If he was going to leave her for you. He would have in the first 6 months the two of you were together.

 

He is using you. Please wake up and see this.

[whichwayisup]

The mindf*** continues. He came to be with me for the D&C, took me to the procedure, took care of me after, etc. He kept telling me he would be with me eventually but there was no actual plan. I've been trying to heal but it's really hard to heal when the only other person who knows, your partner in all of this is going to sleep next to another woman every night. I told him Friday I needed him to be with me or let me go.

 

Initially, he let me go. He said he couldn't give me what I wanted in the timeframe that I wanted it. Two days later, he's telling me he is going to leave her within the next few months. Stop me if you've heard this one before...

 

The only thing is that he always told me at the beginning, probably the entire first year, that he wouldn't divorce no matter what. Today, after telling me he's going to leave her, he's distant and somewhat cold. Tells me I didn't do anything, he's just processing his future and this is how he deals with it. It hurts to know a chance at a life with me is causing him so much strife. But what if he really goes through with it? Does he get a second chance? I know he f***** up all of this, but we've dealt with some true real life crap. And at the end of the day I don't want a life without him. What if this is him trying to make it right and he does it? Do I hold on and see?

 

He isn't really looking to leave his wife and divorce her then start a new life with you. He is enjoying an affair, that's it. He's a serial cheater and a liar. he's treated you so poorly and hurt you deeply letting you down and leading you on.

 

He has NO plans to do anything.

 

End it. Get to counseling so you can grieve this loss in a healthy way.

 

If you stay, he's gonna mess you up so badly and you'll regret choosing to stay with him. He's not leaving his wife for you.

[smalltownwriter]

Haven't posted in awhile. Long story short, I told MM awhile back that I was done, that I couldn't heal from everything that had happened continuing to be attached to someone who slept next to someone else every night. I didn't draw it out or become overly emotional. I just said I couldn't do it anymore.

 

That day he hit a breaking point. I don't know what exactly happened, but apparently it was a "very scary day" for him. in the evening he told me he realized he couldn't live without me and that he would leave. I asked when. He said by September. I said okay.

 

Has told me many times he means it and there is nothing that will change his mind. Not trying to sound naive, but it has been different this time. His plan was to be outwardly miserable and difficult to be around so she wouldn't fight him on custody and be relieved when he said he was moving out. He wasn't going to tell her about me. He had been purposely difficult to be around and thought it was working. She told him she wasn't happy.

 

On Sunday she asked if he had a girlfriend. He shrugged off the question (didn't deny) and so did she, but he told me he was going to force the issue very soon if she didn't bring it back up.

 

So yesterday was d-day. He decided to tell her (in the middle of the work day, via text) she was right, that he does have a girlfriend and that he was going to divorce her, wouldn't stop seeing me. She said she wouldn't let him and is holding the custody issue over his head. So she's fighting him on it. He's pissed and keeps saying he did what I wanted and now he wants to die, that he doesn't know if he can ever forgive me for this day. I never told him it had to be yesterday and I certainly never told him to tell her about me. He chose both of those methods.

 

Even though he was clearly upset last night and pissed at me, he didn't act like he wasn't going to follow through, but he isn't talking to me now. Last thing I got from him last night was when I asked after an hour of not talking if everything was okay. He said "no everything is not okay, this is the worst day of my life, I'm going to bed." I said talk to me babe. He said "no. I have to figure out how to forgive you for this day. I know it's not fair and you have forgiven me a lot. It I'm dealing with it as best I can and I don't want to talk." I didn't respond.

 

Radio silence this morning. I usually get a morning text.

Do I bother texting him or just give him space until he's ready, knowing that we don't live in the same state and I can't be in front of him for a conversation like she can.

 

I know you guys hate him. I know you think he's a POS. I know you think I should tell him to kick rocks. But say for a minute you didn't hate him for what he did to me. I'm so close to getting my future with him. How do I handle this so that he doesn't make me the bad guy in his head and back out? I want to give him space but I also want to fight for my position if I need to, knowing she will see him at home and have the opportunity to do the same. Again, he didn't necessarily give the indication that he was changing his mind but logic tells me that's what will come next. How can I best prevent that from happening?

[central]

He's a coward, by not just telling his wife earlier, instead making her life miserable. He's a liar - and has probably lied to you as well as her.

 

 

As for custody, there's little his wife can do to affect that. Sure, they can fight about it, but there is no good reason to change what is normal for your jurisdiction.

 

 

Anyway, bringing all this out is extremely stressful for him, so if you are serious about him, cut him some slack. His feelings aren't going to be rational until he sorts them out.