OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **

[BaileyB]

He is going to change his mind. There is nothing you can do about it.

 

Of course, his wife is going to be difficult. Your guy is such a coward and he is CONFLICT AVOIDANT! His plan was to be miserable so that she would be happy when he left? And then, he told her that he had a girlfriend by text in the middle of the work day. OMG - what an a$$.

 

Why, why, why would you ever want this guy? You say that you are "close to getting your future with him..." But, how do you think that this is a "win?"

 

I'm sorry, I have tried to be supportive because my heart has broken for you during your miscarriage, but this is too much. If you insist on staying with this idiot, that is your decision. Good luck to you.

Edited August 1, 2017 by BaileyB

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So, let me get this straight. Your knight in shining armor is someone who:

 

A. Purposefully "acts miserable" so as to basically gaslight and make breaking up a family, what, the wife's idea? This is cowardly.

 

B. Breaks up a family VIA TEXT??? This is also cowardly.

 

If you are the type of person who condones this behavior, then I guess the two of you might be perfect for each other.

[smalltownwriter]

I don't "condone" it, I was trying to be supportive because I knew how much he wanted to make sure he didn't get drawn into a custody battle. I know it was a crappy thing for him to do. It wouldn't have been my choice.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't "condone" it, I was trying to be supportive because I knew how much he wanted to make sure he didn't get drawn into a custody battle. I know it was a crappy thing for him to do. It wouldn't have been my choice.

 

I'm not understanding how it prevents a custody battle?

[smalltownwriter]

He is going to change his mind. There is nothing you can do about it.

 

Of course, his wife is going to be difficult. Your guy is such a coward and he is CONFLICT AVOIDANT! His plan was to be miserable so that she would be happy when he left? And then, he told her that he had a girlfriend by text in the middle of the work day. OMG - what an a$$.

 

Why, why, why would you ever want this guy? You say that you are "close to getting your future with him..." But, how do you think that this is a "win?"

 

I'm sorry, I have tried to be supportive because my heart has broken for you during your miscarriage, but this is too much. If you insist on staying with this idiot, that is your decision. Good luck to you.

 

I know. I am a weak idiot. I don't want all of the trauma I experienced to be for nothing. That probably doesn't make sense here but it's how I feel.

[smalltownwriter]

I'm not understanding how it prevents a custody battle?

 

Because if she was relieved for him to move out, she wouldn't fight him on it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Because if she was relieved for him to move out, she wouldn't fight him on it.

 

So, he wants 50/50 custody then? Is there a reason why he would not get it? (i.e. abusive, criminal record, etc.)

[BaileyB]

So yesterday was d-day. He decided to tell her (in the middle of the work day, via text) she was right, that he does have a girlfriend and that he was going to divorce her, wouldn't stop seeing me. He's pissed and keeps saying he did what I wanted and now he wants to die, that he doesn't know if he can ever forgive me for this day. I never told him it had to be yesterday and I certainly never told him to tell her about me. He chose both of those methods.

 

How do I handle this so that he doesn't make me the bad guy in his head and back out?

 

Sorry, he has already made you the bad guy. His life is about to go to hell and he's going to need someone to blame... And, we know this guy isn't big on personal responsibility, isn't able to make a decision, and avoids conflict at all cost... So, prepare to be thrown under the bus!

 

And if I may, you are just as delusional as your boyfriend. You are passing the blame to him - you never told him to tell her about you, you didn't tell him it had to be yesterday... Come on. You want him to leave his wife and break up his family but continue to hide the fact that there is another woman? That's just as cowardly as his behavior.

 

Take a good hard look in the mirror this morning. If you are going to make the decision to sleep with a married man and you are going to be responsible for breaking up a marriage and a family, at least be honest with yourself and have the courage to accept responsibility for your actions.

 

I'm starting to think that the wife may be the winner in this situation. She can be free of this man who lies, and cheats, and gets another woman pregnant, and then wants to bring the baby home for her to raise... Perhaps, you actually deserve each other...

[BaileyB]

I know. I am a weak idiot. I don't want all of the trauma I experienced to be for nothing. That probably doesn't make sense here but it's how I feel.

 

The only thing worse than suffering all this trauma for nothing, is saddling yourself with the source of your pain who will continue to inflict more trauma... Imagine, he decides he can't actually leave his children and goes back to his wife, or life with you becomes mundane and he decides to get another woman pregnant...

 

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh. But, I want to shake you! You stand at the precipice - you are about to make a decision that will change your life forever. And, you are about to make the biggest mistake of your life. PLEASE, wise up!

[amomwhoknows]

I am not sure who is the biggest fool here -- you or he. The clear winner in all this will be his wife.

 

Why in the world would you want a man that would behave this way? Trying ot get his wife to kick him out and then texting her about you in the middle of the work day. (For a minute, put yourself in her shoes. What do you think your future will be like with him? You think she will be a good ex-wife and that you will have a smooth path to stepparenting?) Every family event (if you can even attend, everyone in the room will know that you had an affair with a married man. Can you live like that?)

 

This guy isn't stable. He has been married twice already. The odds are virtually null that this will work out. I think you were in a very vulnerable position when you met him and he took advantage of that. Got you pregnant etc and now you are being cast as the villian in his break up story.

 

If this was your best friend or sister, what would you think of the situation.

 

One final thought, he likely won't leave her.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Uhh, the ol' blame shifting schtick.

 

The other posters are spot on with the fact that he had to lash out at someone for this sh*t show....and that OP, would be you. If you weren't in the picture and if you didn't force his hand here, then there would be continued peace in the valley. Right? So instead of doing the proper thing by 'respectfully' leaving the M, he blames you for the fallout.

 

But, if this conversation did happen on his end, it quite likely was dramatic and emotional and a massive upheaval to the only life his W has known. There is bound to be collatoral damage. When the dust settles, they will both assess the situation and either try to R or he will continue on his path the exit the M.

 

Stay true to your course. Let him be to deal with the aftermath. You've already stood your ground by telling him you won't continue to be his side piece. Stay strong.

[jenkins95]

(((smalltownwriter)))

 

Sorry you've been through such a hard time with all this.

 

I can feel the excitement and anticipation coming off your post, but try to stay calm for now. There could still be a long road ahead and I think you are best off simply giving him time and space. His wife deserves his undivided attention while they sort this out.

 

It's very difficult to see how you won't be painted as the bad guy - certainly by her and the kids (and probably friends and wider family), but if things don't go smoothly, possibly by him too. His attitude to you now suggests that he may have a tendancy to blame others when things don't go his way, even when they are blatantly his doing.

 

Despite all the warnings, you are still crazy about him and the heart wants what the heart wants. I think you know there may be a tough path ahead, but you may just get your man if things unfold as you wish. I think all you can do now is hold tight. Don't be seen to be interfering or influencing while they have crisis talks. Let them thrash it out and come to the conclusion that the marriage is over by themselves and not under any pressure by outside forces. He will let you know what's going on when he can.

 

As for him having to "forgive" you. I call BS here. He is not the one who needs to be doing the forgiving - he has hurt his wife and you so much. Your stance in ending the affair because you couldn't go on as things were was absolutely the right thing to do.

 

Good luck and keep us up to date!

[somanymistakes]

I don't remember your story at the moment, sorry, so I don't remember anything of what he's like or what your relationship is like, I'm just going totally off what's being said here.

 

So yesterday was d-day. He decided to tell her (in the middle of the work day, via text) she was right, that he does have a girlfriend and that he was going to divorce her, wouldn't stop seeing me. She said she wouldn't let him and is holding the custody issue over his head. So she's fighting him on it. He's pissed and keeps saying he did what I wanted and now he wants to die, that he doesn't know if he can ever forgive me for this day.

 

This sounds very childish and defensive of him. He did a thing, the thing made him feel bad, so he immediately turns around and blames someone else for it.

 

This is an understandable human reaction to pain in the immediate moment, but it's also a terrible habit that adults are supposed to have grown out of, and if he stays in that blame-shifting mode for more than an hour of whining it's a very bad sign for his ability to handle adult relationships. If nothing is ever his fault, he can't make anyone a good partner.

 

I never told him it had to be yesterday and I certainly never told him to tell her about me. He chose both of those methods.

 

Well, no, you didn't tell him it had to be yesterday, but you did know that if they were going to split for you to have him he would have to tell her about you eventually and there would be fallout.

 

Radio silence this morning. I usually get a morning text.

Do I bother texting him or just give him space until he's ready, knowing that we don't live in the same state and I can't be in front of him for a conversation like she can.

 

I know you guys hate him. I know you think he's a POS. I know you think I should tell him to kick rocks. But say for a minute you didn't hate him for what he did to me. I'm so close to getting my future with him. How do I handle this so that he doesn't make me the bad guy in his head and back out? I want to give him space but I also want to fight for my position if I need to, knowing she will see him at home and have the opportunity to do the same. Again, he didn't necessarily give the indication that he was changing his mind but logic tells me that's what will come next. How can I best prevent that from happening?

 

You need to separate short term from long term thinking here.

 

You might be able to sway him with promises of comfort and pleasure to stop thinking about his pain right now and focus on the happiness with you. But if he hasn't truly resolved his issues with his marriage, blinding him to that in the short term might make it more likely that his relationship with you will fall apart in the long term.

 

If you want a hope of things working out between you, you have to be WILLING to lose him if he's not able to hold up his end of a partnership. If you cling to him desperately no matter what, he has no incentive to grow and change, and right now he NEEDS to grow and change in order to be a good partner for either his wife or you.

 

Right now, you need to demonstrate maturity for him... 'cause it sure seems like he needs a model of it. If you reach out to him right now, don't soothe him or woo him or comfort him, don't tell him everything will be okay, don't beg him to love you. Tell him that you know he's in pain and turmoil right now, but that HE needs to make decisions about what he wants out of life, and those decisions and their consequences are up to him, no one else can choose them for him. Nobody's making him do anything. It's his choice what man he wants to be.

 

Be prepared for the possibility that he doesn't have the strength to be the man you need. If you can accept the outcome either way, you will be in a much stronger and healthier position yourself. You'd like to have him, but you don't need him.

[minimariah]

How can I best prevent that from happening?

 

you cannot - that's a serious answer. he's holding the power - you'll wait and see what HE does next and you'll proceed to do what he needs and wants.

 

can you explain this part - he plans to go for FULL custody... am i right...? & he expects her to NOT fight him over it...? what...? OF COURSE she'll fight him. and at the end of the day - the COURT will decide. that's it - it's not up to him OR her!

 

this is a very abusive relationship. he pretends to do what YOU want, then puts the blame on YOU - as if he only did what he did because YOU asked him to do so - and now he's punishing you by giving you a silent treatment. you don't have a future with this man, this is not a normal relationship pattern and this is not a normal behavior for a mature man.

[smalltownwriter]

So, he wants 50/50 custody then? Is there a reason why he would not get it? (i.e. abusive, criminal record, etc.)

 

Correct, and no there is not a reason he won't get it. He's an exemplary father and has a successful career.

[DKT3]

I know you feel this is all moving in the right direction. Problem is he doesn't accept responsibility. Why is this a problem? You will soon be his wife. Not necessarily because he will marry you but because you will become the source of all his problems.

 

It's already setting up this way. Even if he follows through, there will be regrets and it will be your fault. It's starting already.

 

My question is, why would you want someone to have to force to be with you? I know you will say you didn't, but come on, you forced his hand now your trying to step back and say you had nothing to do with it. I would have done it differently.

 

This relationship is full speed on the wrong side of the road.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Correct, and no there is not a reason he won't get it. He's an exemplary father and has a successful career.

 

And he thought his best option for avoiding a custody fight would be to behave like a miserable prick leading up to splitting up? So his wife would be like, "yes, THIS is the kind of man I want my kids to be around all the time!?"

 

This logic is very flawed. He would be way better off to be NICE so that there's no ammunition against him because as it stands (good father, good career) he'd have no problem getting 50/50 custody.

 

This man makes awful decisions!

[DKT3]

Correct, and no there is not a reason he won't get it. He's an exemplary father and has a successful career.

 

I've always been amused by this way of thinking. How any cheater can be seen or see themselves as an exemplary parent is beyond me. Is that even possible? It's like building a house all day than spending the night causing damage to it. Cheating sets a horrible example, lying sneaking around being dishonest all set horrible examples. So how on Earth can I one doing such be a great parent?

[smalltownwriter]

I know you feel this is all moving in the right direction. Problem is he doesn't accept responsibility. Why is this a problem? You will soon be his wife. Not necessarily because he will marry you but because you will become the source of all his problems.

 

It's already setting up this way. Even if he follows through, there will be regrets and it will be your fault. It's starting already.

 

My question is, why would you want someone to have to force to be with you? I know you will say you didn't, but come on, you forced his hand now your trying to step back and say you had nothing to do with it. I would have done it differently.

 

This relationship is full speed on the wrong side of the road.

 

I walked away from this. I didn't fight him, I didn't demand anything, just said I couldn't do it anymore. He is the one who fought to have me back knowing that if that happened, he would need to take action to leave his wife. I truly don't understand how that is forcing him? How should I have done it?

[smalltownwriter]

I've always been amused by this way of thinking. How any cheater can be seen or see themselves as an exemplary parent is beyond me. Is that even possible? It's like building a house all day than spending the night causing damage to it. Cheating sets a horrible example, lying sneaking around being dishonest all set horrible examples. So how on Earth can I one doing such be a great parent?

 

You can be a great parent and horrible spouse.

[smalltownwriter]

you cannot - that's a serious answer. he's holding the power - you'll wait and see what HE does next and you'll proceed to do what he needs and wants.

 

can you explain this part - he plans to go for FULL custody... am i right...? & he expects her to NOT fight him over it...? what...? OF COURSE she'll fight him. and at the end of the day - the COURT will decide. that's it - it's not up to him OR her!

 

this is a very abusive relationship. he pretends to do what YOU want, then puts the blame on YOU - as if he only did what he did because YOU asked him to do so - and now he's punishing you by giving you a silent treatment. you don't have a future with this man, this is not a normal relationship pattern and this is not a normal behavior for a mature man.

 

No, he only wants 50/50

[S2B]

Haven't posted in awhile. Long story short, I told MM awhile back that I was done, that I couldn't heal from everything that had happened continuing to be attached to someone who slept next to someone else every night. I didn't draw it out or become overly emotional. I just said I couldn't do it anymore.

 

That day he hit a breaking point. I don't know what exactly happened, but apparently it was a "very scary day" for him. in the evening he told me he realized he couldn't live without me and that he would leave. I asked when. He said by September. I said okay.

 

Has told me many times he means it and there is nothing that will change his mind. Not trying to sound naive, but it has been different this time. His plan was to be outwardly miserable and difficult to be around so she wouldn't fight him on custody and be relieved when he said he was moving out. He wasn't going to tell her about me. He had been purposely difficult to be around and thought it was working. She told him she wasn't happy.

 

On Sunday she asked if he had a girlfriend. He shrugged off the question (didn't deny) and so did she, but he told me he was going to force the issue very soon if she didn't bring it back up.

 

So yesterday was d-day. He decided to tell her (in the middle of the work day, via text) she was right, that he does have a girlfriend and that he was going to divorce her, wouldn't stop seeing me. She said she wouldn't let him and is holding the custody issue over his head. So she's fighting him on it. He's pissed and keeps saying he did what I wanted and now he wants to die, that he doesn't know if he can ever forgive me for this day. I never told him it had to be yesterday and I certainly never told him to tell her about me. He chose both of those methods.

 

Even though he was clearly upset last night and pissed at me, he didn't act like he wasn't going to follow through, but he isn't talking to me now. Last thing I got from him last night was when I asked after an hour of not talking if everything was okay. He said "no everything is not okay, this is the worst day of my life, I'm going to bed." I said talk to me babe. He said "no. I have to figure out how to forgive you for this day. I know it's not fair and you have forgiven me a lot. It I'm dealing with it as best I can and I don't want to talk." I didn't respond.

 

Radio silence this morning. I usually get a morning text.

Do I bother texting him or just give him space until he's ready, knowing that we don't live in the same state and I can't be in front of him for a conversation like she can.

 

I know you guys hate him. I know you think he's a POS. I know you think I should tell him to kick rocks. But say for a minute you didn't hate him for what he did to me. I'm so close to getting my future with him. How do I handle this so that he doesn't make me the bad guy in his head and back out? I want to give him space but I also want to fight for my position if I need to, knowing she will see him at home and have the opportunity to do the same. Again, he didn't necessarily give the indication that he was changing his mind but logic tells me that's what will come next. How can I best prevent that from happening?

 

I think you should take this golden opportunity for it to REALLY be over this time.

 

Block him and know you can build a new life with a real man!

 

A new man who takes responsibility for his own actions. A man who doesn't lie and steal years from women with those empty promises.

 

Do not depend on this man(?) for honesty...I'd bet he didn't really tell her - after all, he lies.

[ConInLA]

Are you really sure this is what you want? And I don't mean on a fantasy affair level but in actual reality. It doesn't sound like you have had too much reality to go on because you still have your rose colored glasses on. Affairs really make you see everything from such a distorted view.

Do you really want a man who breaks up with his wife over TEXT! I mean, come on. Have you really thought about how this affects his kids? Believe me, I get it. You aren't thinking of anyone but yourself. Been there. Done that.

Why not just give him time to process this life changing event if you really care about him? Step away from this relationship and let him really decide if that's what he wants. He's already blaming you, just imagine if he actually goes through with it.

You sound a little like me when I was in my affair. I felt like I needed to leave out of the situation with something, or else this damaging act was done all for nothing. It took me a long time to realize that there wasn't going to be any prize or comfort waiting for me at the end. It was just best to burn the house down and then try to learn from it. That was a tough realization.

I think space is needed here for all parties involved. I know you're terrified he might choose his wife but do you really want to be second choice? You deserve so much more. There is someone out there who will respect you enough to not ask you to be their fun on the side. There is someone out there who will elevate you to being a better person and finding your true heart desires. Honestly, that someone can be you. Value yourself. Leave the married guy alone and work on yourself. It's a long road but you can come out of this shameful situation a better person, if you want too.

[S2B]

He isn't a good father since he put his kids at risk - he took their security away by risking their home life.

 

I think it's wise not to talk to him any further until his divorce is final! But is bet money he didn't even tell his wife - this is his sneaky way of ending it with you since you want more - that, and he gets to make you think it's your fault.

 

He's a sneaky narcissist. Beware! That's NOT a man you want!run while you can!!

[BaileyB]

I walked away from this. I didn't fight him, I didn't demand anything, just said I couldn't do it anymore. He is the one who fought to have me back knowing that if that happened, he would need to take action to leave his wife. I truly don't understand how that is forcing him? How should I have done it?

 

And the, he said he would tell her by September and you said... "That's perfect. I will wait for you and we will be together in September."

 

And with that, he had to $$$$ or get off the pot.