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OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **

smalltownwriter

By smalltownwriter,
in The Other Man / Woman

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S2B

S2B

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IF he really planned to divorce it seems he would have done that when you were pregnant.

 

He didn't.

 

And he also didn't plan to tell his wife in September.

 

Stop moving your boundary... this guy is a liar and you've given him too much of YOUR power.

 

Be done with him...he's not changing a thing - and he's always told you he's never divorcing.

 

He lies.

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somanymistakes

somanymistakes

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He isn't a good father since he put his kids at risk - he took their security away by risking their home life.

 

This sort of reasoning becomes circular and thus useless. Any argument that boils down to "your AP can't be good because they are your AP" is generally going to be disregarded by the person you're talking to. After all, they're an AP themselves, they're in the affair, they've already chosen to overlook that part.

 

There are better reasons for questioning his parenting skills.

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BaileyB

BaileyB

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You can be a great parent and horrible spouse.

 

Sure it's possible to be a great parent but a horrible spouse. But, not in the case of infidelity. It's not possible to make a decision that will break up a family, hurt the mother of your children, cause stress for your children... and claim that you are a "great parent, just a really bad spouse." You can't possibly believe this.

 

If you believe that his decision to be an adulterer isn't going to change the lives of his children and affect their relationship with their father in a negative way, you are a fool. More than likely, his kids will protect their mother, they will hate you (and probably him), and you will not be welcome at family gatherings, birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc...

 

And yet still, this man has proven to be a "horrible spouse" twice now, yet you are still counting the days until he can become your spouse...

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anika99

anika99

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When people are starting out their lives together and planning their future with one another they are all in love,excited and happy. Not in your case OP. Your MM is mad that you made him pick you. His choice to plan his future with you is filling him with dread, anxiety and anger at you. Do you not see that this is a terrible way to start of a relationship with one another and that it's almost certain to fail?

 

In any case I highly doubt that he is really going to leave his marriage to be with you. He only did this because you forced him to choose. He did this because he didn't want lose you, but now he's realizing that he doesn't want to lose his wife and family either. He doesn't want to lose either of you. His ideal would be to stay married and keep you on the side. This is why people say that it's bad to leave one person just for the sake of another person. His marriage should be ending because he has decided that he is unhappy and that he no longer wishes to be married regardless of any other factors. Ending ones marriage should never be based on another person. You insisted he do this. Doesn't matter that you never told him to do it yesterday, you expected him to do it very soon and now you are going to be blamed by him for his ensuing misery. Does this sound like a recipe for success to you?

 

The last paragraph of your post is the saddest. You say you are so close to getting your future with him and want to know the best way to fight for your position. You have pinned all your hopes and happiness on wrestling this cheater away from his wife. You believe that your future dreams lies in winning this conflict avoidant, twice married, selfish man and now you want to compete with his wife for him. Well if that's the kind of advice you want I would say that you should back way off. The more pushy and desperate you behave the more likely it is that he is going to push you away. When you talk to him tell him that he has to make his own choices and that you will not be held responsible for his decisions. Tell him that you deserve to have someone who is happy and excited to be with you and that you won't settle for someone you behaves as though being with you is some kind of misery. Act confident and self assured and then back off and let him make his own decisions. If you push then he is just going to blame you for his misery.

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smalltownwriter

smalltownwriter

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Well. I got a long message from him saying he quits, he can't keep pushing for this and fighting her because it's going to drive him to kill himself. That his whole life is in shambles and he can never forgive himself or me for all the things we've done and he doesn't want to see me anymore.

 

I guess I just respond with "okay, goodbye?"

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Birdies

Birdies

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I had a D-Day, and so did my MM (we were both married). We NEVER blamed each other for the utter hell that goes down on a DDay and during the breakdown of the marriage and initial stages of divorce. I mean, in what world is this the other person's fault?! I was the one who made vows and broke them, and the one who consciously acted in a way that deeply hurt my husband.

 

You have to be a selfish a$$shole to have an affair, at least temporarily - that's obvious. But I think a lot of otherwise good people go down a slippery slope and end up doing things they never would have jumped right into. How you conduct yourself afterwards says a lot about whether you're a temporary a$$ or just a a$$ through and through. The fact that he is blaming you for the consequences of HIS actions says a lot.

 

And he may also be throwing you under the bus to his wife too, you know - that you pursued him until he couldn't resist, etc. And he's probably blaming her for being a bad wife and forcing him to look elsewhere.

 

Proceed with caution - the fact that he's a serial cheater AND he's unable to take any responsibility for his actions doesn't bode well.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Well. I got a long message from him saying he quits, he can't keep pushing for this and fighting her because it's going to drive him to kill himself. That his whole life is in shambles and he can never forgive himself or me for all the things we've done and he doesn't want to see me anymore.

 

I guess I just respond with "okay, goodbye?"

 

 

Oh boy. Now I believe the poster who theorized he never actually told his wife. This guy is a manipulative loser, and you know this.

 

I wouldn't respond at all. If you decide to, "K, bye."

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Birdies

Birdies

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PS - I saw your latest update. I would tell him OK, goodbye and block him and start to move on. You can't trust this guy with your heart.

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smalltownwriter

smalltownwriter

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By the way, not sure if I shared this before but we work for the same company and he has to come into town once a month or so, so we will very obviously cross paths at some point.

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anika99

anika99

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I walked away from this. I didn't fight him, I didn't demand anything, just said I couldn't do it anymore. He is the one who fought to have me back knowing that if that happened, he would need to take action to leave his wife. I truly don't understand how that is forcing him? How should I have done it?

 

You should have left him and made it clear that you did not want to see him or talk to him again unless he was already divorced. At the very least you should have waited until he was moved out of the family home for at least 6 months. That way you would have been completely out of the picture during the initial stages of the seperation and divorce and he wouldnt have been able to blame his decisions on being pushed by you.

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ConInLA

ConInLA

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Well. I got a long message from him saying he quits, he can't keep pushing for this and fighting her because it's going to drive him to kill himself. That his whole life is in shambles and he can never forgive himself or me for all the things we've done and he doesn't want to see me anymore.

 

I guess I just respond with "okay, goodbye?"

 

Yes, walk away gracefully. Wish him well. This relationship was never going to have a healthy dynamic. You know that, deep down. Lastly, REALLY mean it. Block him on everything from here to Timbuktu, so he can never reach you again. It's going to take you some time to get over it like any other relationship. Just remember, this too shall pass. It always does.

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QuestioningSoul

QuestioningSoul

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Maybe he's just being mean to you so when he walks away, you won't fight him to stay.

 

He has the manipulation tactics of a 9 year old, except he's playing with real lives and feelings.

 

Why are you letting him manipulate you like this?

 

I feel so bad for his poor wife and the kids.

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BaileyB

BaileyB

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Keep your dignity and self respect. Just wish him well...

 

Nothing about his most recent text is surprising. This was the only way the whole situation was going to end... With time and perspective, you will see that it is for the best. I'm sorry.

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somanymistakes

somanymistakes

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What a mess. I'm sorry he's putting you through this - but yeah, at this point I think block and walk is the best choice. If you give him an opening he will only keep trying to mess with your head.

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minimariah

minimariah

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Correct, and no there is not a reason he won't get it. He's an exemplary father and has a successful career.

 

1. he's emotionally unstable, which can be easily proven.

2. he already has one child and no 50/50 custody over that child, am i right?

3. successful career can actually be a minus if he's working long hours and is unable to BE there for the child.

 

you live in 2 different states - if he plans serious future with you, that WILL be taken into account. how will your relationship work, will he travel a lot? another minus.

 

so the situation is not looking too brightly for him. he's bull****ting you and it's obvious - the wife cannot hold A THING over his head if he's sure that he can PROVE that he has what it takes to have his child over 50%.

 

the thing is - he knows his chances are small because he probably knows he's NOT an exemplary father which is why he's trying to get her to NOT fight him on custody. the way he went about it does not add up to your claims of him getting the wanted custody at all.

 

one more thing - this really is not your fault. that is his family and it was his decision to tell his wife (if he even told her which i doubt). he's blaming YOU for a life ruined and it's a very cruel manipulation. it's a form of abuse, run for the hills from this man and do not look back.

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S2B

S2B

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By the way, not sure if I shared this before but we work for the same company and he has to come into town once a month or so, so we will very obviously cross paths at some point.

 

Not if you start changing things!!

 

This is up to you to change everything so you aren't at his mercy.

 

He owns you right now! Change it all so you don't have to listen to his lies anymore. You don't need his brand of manipulation!

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jenkins95

jenkins95

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By the way, not sure if I shared this before but we work for the same company and he has to come into town once a month or so, so we will very obviously cross paths at some point.

 

Sorry about this latest update. You must be destroyed by his behaviour, but perhaps not entirely surprised given his previous behaviour.

 

One thing to bear in mind... you will see him sometimes in work as you state above. Very likely he'll try to sweet talk you again and try to restart the affair once things have "calmed down" and he has pulled the wool over his wife's eyes again. Please run a mile in the other direction.

 

We are here for you.

 

Also bear in mind that I am a certified POS myself who had an affair and broke hearts..... and even I am shocked by his behaviour.

Edited by jenkins95
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CautiouslyOptimistic

CautiouslyOptimistic

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By the way, not sure if I shared this before but we work for the same company and he has to come into town once a month or so, so we will very obviously cross paths at some point.

 

I met my MM online, friendly conversation turned to flirting, obviously you know where that led. He told me from the beginning that he loved his wife but that they had an understanding that he was not going to be monogamous, he said she said "okay, I just don't want to find out about it."

 

I was going through a separation and divorce (the whole process lasted about a year) myself and thought I didn't want anything serious. Since it was my understanding that they were in some kind of open relationship, I began this relationship.

 

We've had our fair share of issues, mostly stemming from jealousy on both our parts because we can't be a "real" couple, but I fall more in love with him every day, even now almost 2 years later. He lives out of state so we only can see each other once a month or so.

 

At first he always said he would never leave his wife, he already has a son from a previous marriage, and a daughter who was an infant when we began our relationship with his current wife, and he said he wouldn't go through that again. I said okay, not realizing how real it would become. He didn't either.

 

He has always teased me that he wanted me to have his baby, because he knew I did not want that. Well since the beginning of the year, maybe before that, our talks about figuring out a way to be together became much more real. He seemed he was ready if he could just find a way out and still be able to be with his daughter.

 

He apparently was serious about wanting to have a baby because he told me "what if I tried to get you pregnant for a few months and we could see what happens...let fate decide. And if you do end up pregnant then the choice will be made." Said if it happened, he would leave his wife and be with me, not being with his daughter every day would suck, but all he wanted was a family with me and we would eventually be happy after the rainstorm.

 

Well, I'm pregnant. It only took one try. Very early on, only 5 weeks. But we're talking about plans and now I'm terrified.

 

It sounds so naive of me, I know. But all of a sudden things are about to be dire.

 

He said he's leaving his wife. He wants to be with me full time, and we can split time between my town and his town. In total honesty, I'm not sure he even thought it would happen. He didn't exactly sound happy. He said he is, just there is a lot of **** to figure out and it isn't going to be pleasant but once we get it past us, we will be happy.

 

I gave him so many outs. He didn't take any of them.

 

But the only thing I can think now is:

What if he does the same thing to me? Why did I do this? Surely he will do the same thing to me. Will I know when I'm the one he's with? I doubt we'll get married, me being once divorced (with a 4 year old) and him about to be twice divorced. Which leads me to my next issue:

 

Now I get to tell my super religious parents who have always been proud that I have made good choices in life (barring my ex who turned out to be crazy) that I got knocked up by a married man who is now going to be with me. The disappointment that will follow, I'm not sure I'm prepared for.

 

Anyone out there have any tips or suggestions for me?

 

I've already had the conversation with him several months ago that if we were to be together, it would NOT be okay with me for him to talk to other women (like it is apparently okay with his wife as long as she doesn't find out), and he cannot be secretive, we have to have each other's phone passwords, email passwords, etc. Not because I want to go through his **** but because it holds us accountable to each other and that I would be extremely insecure about it all because of how we began. He said he had no problem with any of that.

 

But still! I'm a 32 year old and I have my sh** together, own my own company, have a great career, and sole custody of my 4 year old. And I just watched myself do this because I have never loved anyone the way I love him, and I wanted to do it for him. How stupid am I?

 

He is coming into town in 2 days and we are supposed to have a talk about how we are going to maneuver all of this. Any help would be so appreciated!

 

You met online and happen to work for the same company?

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MissG

MissG

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Quite frankly, sounds like he's never really planned on leaving her. I am also PRETTY sure the "D-day" story he sold you was made up. He just wanted to quit, break up with you, lead you on in the process, in order to avoid you'd get mad and tell his wife, and that's the tale he spun in the end.

 

I am sure he's been planning to let you go for a while, while at the same time telling you what you wanted to hear, in order to make it easier for you (and, consequently, for himself, of course). He's an abusive jerk, puts the blame on everybody else, to save his own rear end and is hurting YOU terribly in the process. Again - I do not believe his BS knows ****.

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S2B

S2B

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Why don't you call his wife up and ask her if he told her... this shouldn't be any problem for him if he's being honest.

 

Call her.

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Starswillshine

Starswillshine

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I also believe it is very unlikely he told his wife anything. He likely has been acting normal. He was leading you on. And when you started to press, he pulled this, so he can place blame on you. To push you back in the corner. And then also have you apologizing and begging for him back.

 

He isn't done with you. He wants to be married to his wife. He wants you as his side piece.

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