OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **

[smalltownwriter]

Accidental double post

[smalltownwriter]

No judgment here. It's your life and your decision.

 

My only word of caution is for his son. Please, don't move in to live with this man and his son while he is separating/divorcing the child's mother and trying to find a new normal with his son. I don't know how hold the child is, but it's devastating for a child to have a revolving door of adults coming and going from their lives... Let the dust settle and give the child some time before you ask him to adjust to this. The child's needs should always come before your own needs - especially when it is so soon after the separation.

 

Oh- his son is 16 and only there half the week, we are coming to visit whe. His son is not there, I would never want to force myself on him.

 

But truth be told I'm more concerned with my own son, he is 5 and I am adamant not to introduce any of this as a real relationship until the divorce is final. He is coming with me next week, MM has spent a lot of time with both of us (as friends in front of my son of course) and asked if we could both come. If it weren't for my side job in media and my son being exposed to a bunch of males that I am only good friends with, I would be worried. But my son thinks he's great and only thinks he's a friend. And I love him. And I'm not ready to give up on it yet.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry, I had forgotten that you had a son.

 

Agreed. I would definitely not be living with this man and exposing my son to this relationship until his divorce is final and you are well and sure that it is going to go the distance.

 

I do wish you all the best. I would not be doing what you are doing, but I hope it works out for you and you find your happiness.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry, I had forgotten that you had a son.

 

Agreed. I would definitely not be living with this man and exposing my son to this relationship until his divorce is final and you are well and sure that it is going to go the distance.

 

I do wish you all the best. I would not be doing what you are doing, but I hope it works out for you and you find your happiness.

 

Totally agree and I'll add: I don't understand how you think this could work? Moving in with him so quickly and starting a new life with him when he isn't even divorced yet. Talk about unhealthy. To walk out on his wife and family then move in with you the next day... how is this to work? Are you automatically going to be step mom to his child that you don't know? give this some deep thought. WHAT is the rush? You only know this man IN an affair setting.

[whichwayisup]

Oh- his son is 16 and only there half the week, we are coming to visit whe. His son is not there, I would never want to force myself on him.

 

But truth be told I'm more concerned with my own son, he is 5 and I am adamant not to introduce any of this as a real relationship until the divorce is final. He is coming with me next week, MM has spent a lot of time with both of us (as friends in front of my son of course) and asked if we could both come. If it weren't for my side job in media and my son being exposed to a bunch of males that I am only good friends with, I would be worried. But my son thinks he's great and only thinks he's a friend. And I love him. And I'm not ready to give up on it yet.

 

As you should be, all the more reason NOT to rush into moving in with him! Allow the divorce ink to dry before you 'date' him, in a proper way. Out of the realm of an affair. That dynamic (the unhealthy one you two have now) has to disappear too. Otherwise the dynamic currently will be the one you'll be dealing with for a long time and continue to get hurt.

[elaine567]

He scheduled an appointment with a urologist to get a vasectomy because we can't go through what we went through all over again.

 

OK so this man is all over the place. He wanted you pregnant you got pregnant, he then wanted you to have an abortion, then he wanted to keep the child and give it to his wife...but you had an abortion anyway as he could offer you nothing concrete.

 

He has now supposedly moved out with all the upheaval that entails, yet he is going off on a tangent to get a vasectomy when his life is in complete turmoil - sensible????

If he is seriously considering a relationship with you, do you know you NEVER want any more kids?

He could get bored with you and meet a woman tomorrow who wants to have kids with him, so why the rush to get rid of his fertility?

Misdirection perhaps?

 

I guess it is all just another example of his impulsivity and his madness basically...

 

OR his wife, as a condition of reconciliation, told him he had to get a vasectomy in case what happened with you happens again. SHE will not want him paying child support for some OW's child...

[CloudyHead]

I understand how you feel. I remember feeling that I would never ever meet someone who could love me as much as MM. Or treat me like he did. He took me to an upscale restaurant and escorted me to our table where a bouquet of my favorite flowers were and spent $500 on our meal. Another time we were at the coast on a pier and he cupped my face and kissed me like I had never been kissed. The talks and talks in bed and heartache of being apart. The unbelievable sex.

 

And, he left his wife for me?! Isn't that the ultimate act of true love?!

 

I read stories on LS of OW wanting their MM to leave their marriages for them. And, the excuses MM gave for not leaving their marriages. I thought my MM was different. He did leave his wife! He did want a future with me!

 

Our future did not last. It wasn't for lack of effort on my part.

 

I would not wish what I endured on my worst enemy. I know you are in your affair fog. I know that you love your MM so much and that you cannot stop thinking of him every second of every day. I know that when you are with him, you are happy, feel fulfilled and content.

 

But, your gut is telling you something is not right. When you leave the bubble and spend those few seconds thinking about YOU, you KNOW that the relationship is not what it should be. Do not ignore those thoughts.

[travelbug1996]

And I love him. And I'm not ready to give up on it yet.

 

 

At least you're being honest about this.

 

Love means different things to different people. Unfortunately, most people have somewhat distorted views about what it really means.

[BTDT2012]

Oh- his son is 16 and only there half the week, we are coming to visit whe. His son is not there, I would never want to force myself on him.

 

But truth be told I'm more concerned with my own son, he is 5 and I am adamant not to introduce any of this as a real relationship until the divorce is final. He is coming with me next week, MM has spent a lot of time with both of us (as friends in front of my son of course) and asked if we could both come. If it weren't for my side job in media and my son being exposed to a bunch of males that I am only good friends with, I would be worried. But my son thinks he's great and only thinks he's a friend. And I love him. And I'm not ready to give up on it yet.

 

I think this is a bad idea. Leave your son out of this until things are sorted out. At 5, your child will pick up on the fact that you are more than friends.

[BaileyB]

Smalltownwriter, when you read the experiences of cloudyhead or supraluminal - both women who's affair partners left their wives to be with them, only to learn that the unhealthy relationship patterns followed them into the new relationships and ultimately, both men returned to their wives and/or had other affairs -

 

Do these stories give you any pause to think... Are you in the affair fog such that you think that your experience will be different? Or, is your gut telling you that this is not going to work... While your heart and your head are telling you that you love this man and you don't want to throw away the two years you have invested...

[BTDT2012]

This man is a serial adulterer and has children with 2 different women, which means you will be dealing with split loyalties. I suggest you get proof of the vasectomy. Ask to see the lease, also. Are you going to relocate to his area? Please keep your child's needs in the forefront as you make decisions.

[anika99]

Oh- his son is 16 and only there half the week, we are coming to visit whe. His son is not there, I would never want to force myself on him.

 

But truth be told I'm more concerned with my own son, he is 5 and I am adamant not to introduce any of this as a real relationship until the divorce is final. He is coming with me next week, MM has spent a lot of time with both of us (as friends in front of my son of course) and asked if we could both come. If it weren't for my side job in media and my son being exposed to a bunch of males that I am only good friends with, I would be worried. But my son thinks he's great and only thinks he's a friend. And I love him. And I'm not ready to give up on it yet.

 

 

The 16yr old is the kid he had with his first wife. What about the toddler aged child he has with his current wife, the one who was just an infant when he started cheating on his wife? Where does that kid fit into this mess?

 

I'm confused by the vasectomy thing too. Although I think it's marvellous that this guy won't be producing more children and that you won't be getting pregnant by him because he's been married twice and isn't likely to stay with you forever either, are you okay with never having another child? By the time he ditches you for the next best thing you might be past your childbearing years. Is that okay with you?

[BaileyB]

This is just too complicated, I forgot that he had different children with different mothers.

 

And, correct me if I'm wrong, but he is a lawyer and he lives in another state? Is he planning to move to you? Does he have to pass the state Bar to practice in your state? What would he do with his practice? And, if he's not planning to move - would you leave your dream job to be with him?

 

So complicated, I just don't see how this is going to work and result in any kind of happiness - with the pressure of a recent divorce, ex-wives, blended family with children from other relationships, changing jobs, moving... it goes on and on... not to mention the fact that this guy is a serial adulterer and likely to go looking for something on the side when your relationship becomes stale or he can't deal with the pressure of married life - yet again.

 

I really urge you to reconsider. It's one thing if you want to go chasing rainbows and it's just your heart that will be broken, but you have already exposed your son to this and that is just not fair to do to a five year old...

Edited August 24, 2017 by BaileyB

[Birdies]

Hi there. I'm not judging you. I'm now in a R with my former Mm (I was also married too).

 

I will say, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM until he is 100% divorced AND you two have had time to date normally and introduce your children to each other SLOWLY! An affair relationship is NOTHING like a regular relationship. You both need time to go through the trauma of divorce and lives changing dramatically, and then to heal from the trauma, before you live together and jump into a marriage-like setting. Otherwise, your R WILL BURN OUT! (Especially because, I hate to remind you but it's extremely relevant, he's a serial cheater - remember??)

 

Again, I know this all because I have just lived through a version of scenario you are experiencing. We both got divorced. We got counseling to help us move through the trauma of it. We live separately still, 1.5 years after DDay, but spend most of our nights together. We are actually dating instead of doing whatever the hell you do in the A. It is so much better than the A, but it's in part because we did not rush headlong into something built 100% on limerance and secrecy and deception. We are rebuilding our R from the ground up.

 

PLEASE, especially for the sake of your son, be smart about this. Don't move in with him while he is still married and hasn't even filed yet!!!!

[jenkins95]

Hi there. I'm not judging you. I'm now in a R with my former Mm (I was also married too).

 

I will say, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM until he is 100% divorced AND you two have had time to date normally and introduce your children to each other SLOWLY! An affair relationship is NOTHING like a regular relationship. You both need time to go through the trauma of divorce and lives changing dramatically, and then to heal from the trauma, before you live together and jump into a marriage-like setting. Otherwise, your R WILL BURN OUT! (Especially because, I hate to remind you but it's extremely relevant, he's a serial cheater - remember??)

 

Again, I know this all because I have just lived through a version of scenario you are experiencing. We both got divorced. We got counseling to help us move through the trauma of it. We live separately still, 1.5 years after DDay, but spend most of our nights together. We are actually dating instead of doing whatever the hell you do in the A. It is so much better than the A, but it's in part because we did not rush headlong into something built 100% on limerance and secrecy and deception. We are rebuilding our R from the ground up.

 

PLEASE, especially for the sake of your son, be smart about this. Don't move in with him while he is still married and hasn't even filed yet!!!!

 

This is great advice from a very wise member!

 

Smalltown, just want to give you another (((hug))). These posts, however well intentioned and very valuable, must be scaring you to death. So here's my shoulder if you want to lean on it for a while. Π

 

Thinking of you. x

[BaileyB]

Hi there. I'm not judging you. I'm now in a R with my former Mm (I was also married too).

 

I will say, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM until he is 100% divorced AND you two have had time to date normally and introduce your children to each other SLOWLY! An affair relationship is NOTHING like a regular relationship. You both need time to go through the trauma of divorce and lives changing dramatically, and then to heal from the trauma, before you live together and jump into a marriage-like setting. Otherwise, your R WILL BURN OUT! (Especially because, I hate to remind you but it's extremely relevant, he's a serial cheater - remember??)

 

Again, I know this all because I have just lived through a version of scenario you are experiencing. We both got divorced. We got counseling to help us move through the trauma of it. We live separately still, 1.5 years after DDay, but spend most of our nights together. We are actually dating instead of doing whatever the hell you do in the A. It is so much better than the A, but it's in part because we did not rush headlong into something built 100% on limerance and secrecy and deception. We are rebuilding our R from the ground up.

 

PLEASE, especially for the sake of your son, be smart about this. Don't move in with him while he is still married and hasn't even filed yet!!!!

 

Very, very wise advice. Indeed.

 

Just wanted to add to what Jenkins posted... if our posts are scaring you, please know that they come from a good place. We all want you to find happiness and the posts come only from concern for you and your son. Best wishes and keep posting! You are among friends here.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I think this is a bad idea. Leave your son out of this until things are sorted out. At 5, your child will pick up on the fact that you are more than friends.

 

OP, just wanted you to take the above seriously. You wrote that your son's been around him and thinks of him as just a friend of yours but I doubt this is the case. He may not realize you're having an affair with the guy but I can assure you he senses vibes he doesn't understand and most likely there is confusion in his mind about the two of you, whether or not he can express it or even consciously has categorized it himself.

[smalltownwriter]

I appreciate all the feedback and I do want to reiterate I would NEVER move in with him unless the divorce was final and even then I would wait for our relationship to normalize.

 

I'm sure it's not evident by my posts, but I do work very hard at being a good mom. I have sole custody, so he's with me all the time. I have him in a private school/homeschool program so I teach him twice a week, even with the 2 jobs I have. He is my priority and I'm trying very hard here to walk the line.

[BaileyB]

I appreciate all the feedback and I do want to reiterate I would NEVER move in with him unless the divorce was final and even then I would wait for our relationship to normalize.

 

I'm sure it's not evident by my posts, but I do work very hard at being a good mom. I have sole custody, so he's with me all the time. I have him in a private school/homeschool program so I teach him twice a week, even with the 2 jobs I have. He is my priority and I'm trying very hard here to walk the line.

 

I'm sure you are a wonderful mother - your son is well loved and well cared for. My concern was only that your judgment may be clouded given the tangled mess of experiences and emotions you've endured with your married man. Especially now, when you seem to believe that things may be finally coming together for you to be together...

[smalltownwriter]

So, just an update. We have been talking the last few days about the future, etc. He said he doesn't have a timeline he will set deadlines in stone, but he is working on being by himself and being happy so that he doesn't just form a codependent living relationship with me and have things go wrong again. He also said he is trying to build a good relationship with me, a normal one, where we are dating and we get to visit each other and FaceTime in the evenings and really build a solid foundation instead of the drama we have been living. Obviously I would prefer that is not done while he is not officially divorced, but he has eventually come to the same decisions I have, it has just taken him a little longer to process.

 

I feel like it is a step, even if small, in the right direction that he is trying to focus on being happy living alone and starting a normal dating relationship with me. Of course I am aware as long as he is only separated, he could change his mind at the drop of a hat and I'll have wasted more time only to end up without him.

 

He has not yet worked out visitation with his daughter, he goes and sees her when his wife agrees to it, but he said he is "not ready" to disrupt her schedule and have her at his apartment for part of the week. That is the part that concerns me because it just seems strange to me that he wouldn't start having her there. Her schedule would stay the same, she'd just be at his place (where he has already bought her toys) that particular night instead of the house.

 

So here are the facts I know to be true: he's in an apartment by himself with a year lease, and his son and sisters know he is separated, one sister offered to fly out and help him fix his marriage, he declined.

 

He seems very remorseful for everything he has put me through, apologizes profusely, says, "but I'm here now, okay?" promises that we are going to be together. I just have no guarantee when.

 

Most of you will probably tell me to cut it off until the divorce is final. I hear you. But part of me can't shake the feeling that it would seem ungrateful in a way, to do that. I know it was extremely hard for him to make the move, and I know he misses his daughter, he got very emotional last night talking about it. Am I truly screwed if I continue seeing him while he goes through this process? I feel he will see me as expecting too much from him if I demand all these things at once, and it does seem like he is trying because not having me around was a clarifying experience for him.

 

Don't get me wrong, i'm still terrified to invest more into this man and have him turn around and move back in. It's so hard to cut off someone you love who has just taken a big step to move closer toward being with you.

[CloudyHead]

Having gone through what you are going through and having the gift of 20/20, I think my ex-MM used me as a crutch to get him through the separation from his wife and kids. He cried. He told me how hard it was to leave someone with whom you shared so many memories and know that there will be no more memories together. He cried more. He said he needed me to get him through this time in his life.

 

I think he said those things to keep me around. I was a safety net for him while he decided if he was going to leave his wife and, once he did leave, if he had the determination to stay separated.

[anika99]

You feel obligated to hold his hand through his divorce and seperation because you are looking at it from the perspective of "awww this poor man going through so much for me. He is leaving his marriage and family for me so at the very least I should stand by him and support him whilst he goes through the turmoil of divorce, considering that he is doing it all for me"

 

The problem with this is that he shouldn't be leaving his marriage for another woman. He should only be divorcing because he considers his marriage unsalvagable and something he no longer wants regardless of weather he has another woman waiting in the wings or not. If he is only leaving for the sake of being with you then that is yet another blight on how you're relationship is starting and you will be the one who pays for it. Who do you think he will resent when the guilt of walking out on his family catches up to him?

 

If he's not leaving his wife for you and he would be getting divorced even if you were long gone then that is something he needs to go through on his own. Women are usually advised to steer clear of becoming too emotionally involved with newly seperated or recently divorced men because they are too unpredictable and unstable to trust or rely on. The first woman they get involved with after their seperation often gets tossed to the wayside when the guy decides that he wants to spread his wings and have fun or when he decides the grass isn't greener and goes back to his wife.

[BaileyB]

You feel obligated to hold his hand through his divorce and seperation because you are looking at it from the perspective of "awww this poor man going through so much for me. He is leaving his marriage and family for me so at the very least I should stand by him and support him whilst he goes through the turmoil of divorce, considering that he is doing it all for me"

 

The problem with this is that he shouldn't be leaving his marriage for another woman. He should only be divorcing because he considers his marriage unsalvagable and something he no longer wants regardless of weather he has another woman waiting in the wings or not. If he is only leaving for the sake of being with you then that is yet another blight on how you're relationship is starting and you will be the one who pays for it. Who do you think he will resent when the guilt of walking out on his family catches up to him?

 

If he's not leaving his wife for you and he would be getting divorced even if you were long gone then that is something he needs to go through on his own. Women are usually advised to steer clear of becoming too emotionally involved with newly seperated or recently divorced men because they are too unpredictable and unstable to trust or rely on. The first woman they get involved with after their seperation often gets tossed to the wayside when the guy decides that he wants to spread his wings and have fun or when he decides the grass isn't greener and goes back to his wife.

 

I totally agree with this post.

 

You seem quite resigned to stay and try to make it work with this man. In that case, the best you can do is make him prove that he is really serious about the divorce and building a life with you - file the papers, get the divorce, live on his own for a while while he deals with the end of his marriage... Only after he has done this for a considerable amount of time should you really consider taking the next step.

[BTDT2012]

He said he doesn't have a timeline he will set deadlines in stone, but he is working on being by himself and being happy so that he doesn't just form a codependent living relationship with me and have things go wrong again. He also said he is trying to build a good relationship with me, a normal one, where we are dating and we get to visit each other and FaceTime in the evenings and really build a solid foundation instead of the drama we have been living.

 

He is a smooth talker. He is giving you just enough hope to keep you hanging around and uninvolved with any other man,

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I believe you and him but I'd be worried once everything it done and over with, neither one of you will end up with him. This man can't be alone. You'll help him through this time and he'll move on to greener pastures now that he has a taste of the "single life."

Edited August 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator