OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **

[jenkins95]

Hi there. I'm not judging you. I'm now in a R with my former Mm (I was also married too).

 

I will say, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM until he is 100% divorced AND you two have had time to date normally and introduce your children to each other SLOWLY! An affair relationship is NOTHING like a regular relationship. You both need time to go through the trauma of divorce and lives changing dramatically, and then to heal from the trauma, before you live together and jump into a marriage-like setting. Otherwise, your R WILL BURN OUT! (Especially because, I hate to remind you but it's extremely relevant, he's a serial cheater - remember??)

 

Again, I know this all because I have just lived through a version of scenario you are experiencing. We both got divorced. We got counseling to help us move through the trauma of it. We live separately still, 1.5 years after DDay, but spend most of our nights together. We are actually dating instead of doing whatever the hell you do in the A. It is so much better than the A, but it's in part because we did not rush headlong into something built 100% on limerance and secrecy and deception. We are rebuilding our R from the ground up.

 

PLEASE, especially for the sake of your son, be smart about this. Don't move in with him while he is still married and hasn't even filed yet!!!!

 

This is great advice from a very wise member!

 

Smalltown, just want to give you another (((hug))). These posts, however well intentioned and very valuable, must be scaring you to death. So here's my shoulder if you want to lean on it for a while. Π

 

Thinking of you. x

[BaileyB]

Hi there. I'm not judging you. I'm now in a R with my former Mm (I was also married too).

 

I will say, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM until he is 100% divorced AND you two have had time to date normally and introduce your children to each other SLOWLY! An affair relationship is NOTHING like a regular relationship. You both need time to go through the trauma of divorce and lives changing dramatically, and then to heal from the trauma, before you live together and jump into a marriage-like setting. Otherwise, your R WILL BURN OUT! (Especially because, I hate to remind you but it's extremely relevant, he's a serial cheater - remember??)

 

Again, I know this all because I have just lived through a version of scenario you are experiencing. We both got divorced. We got counseling to help us move through the trauma of it. We live separately still, 1.5 years after DDay, but spend most of our nights together. We are actually dating instead of doing whatever the hell you do in the A. It is so much better than the A, but it's in part because we did not rush headlong into something built 100% on limerance and secrecy and deception. We are rebuilding our R from the ground up.

 

PLEASE, especially for the sake of your son, be smart about this. Don't move in with him while he is still married and hasn't even filed yet!!!!

 

Very, very wise advice. Indeed.

 

Just wanted to add to what Jenkins posted... if our posts are scaring you, please know that they come from a good place. We all want you to find happiness and the posts come only from concern for you and your son. Best wishes and keep posting! You are among friends here.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I think this is a bad idea. Leave your son out of this until things are sorted out. At 5, your child will pick up on the fact that you are more than friends.

 

OP, just wanted you to take the above seriously. You wrote that your son's been around him and thinks of him as just a friend of yours but I doubt this is the case. He may not realize you're having an affair with the guy but I can assure you he senses vibes he doesn't understand and most likely there is confusion in his mind about the two of you, whether or not he can express it or even consciously has categorized it himself.

[smalltownwriter]

I appreciate all the feedback and I do want to reiterate I would NEVER move in with him unless the divorce was final and even then I would wait for our relationship to normalize.

 

I'm sure it's not evident by my posts, but I do work very hard at being a good mom. I have sole custody, so he's with me all the time. I have him in a private school/homeschool program so I teach him twice a week, even with the 2 jobs I have. He is my priority and I'm trying very hard here to walk the line.

[BaileyB]

I appreciate all the feedback and I do want to reiterate I would NEVER move in with him unless the divorce was final and even then I would wait for our relationship to normalize.

 

I'm sure it's not evident by my posts, but I do work very hard at being a good mom. I have sole custody, so he's with me all the time. I have him in a private school/homeschool program so I teach him twice a week, even with the 2 jobs I have. He is my priority and I'm trying very hard here to walk the line.

 

I'm sure you are a wonderful mother - your son is well loved and well cared for. My concern was only that your judgment may be clouded given the tangled mess of experiences and emotions you've endured with your married man. Especially now, when you seem to believe that things may be finally coming together for you to be together...

[smalltownwriter]

So, just an update. We have been talking the last few days about the future, etc. He said he doesn't have a timeline he will set deadlines in stone, but he is working on being by himself and being happy so that he doesn't just form a codependent living relationship with me and have things go wrong again. He also said he is trying to build a good relationship with me, a normal one, where we are dating and we get to visit each other and FaceTime in the evenings and really build a solid foundation instead of the drama we have been living. Obviously I would prefer that is not done while he is not officially divorced, but he has eventually come to the same decisions I have, it has just taken him a little longer to process.

 

I feel like it is a step, even if small, in the right direction that he is trying to focus on being happy living alone and starting a normal dating relationship with me. Of course I am aware as long as he is only separated, he could change his mind at the drop of a hat and I'll have wasted more time only to end up without him.

 

He has not yet worked out visitation with his daughter, he goes and sees her when his wife agrees to it, but he said he is "not ready" to disrupt her schedule and have her at his apartment for part of the week. That is the part that concerns me because it just seems strange to me that he wouldn't start having her there. Her schedule would stay the same, she'd just be at his place (where he has already bought her toys) that particular night instead of the house.

 

So here are the facts I know to be true: he's in an apartment by himself with a year lease, and his son and sisters know he is separated, one sister offered to fly out and help him fix his marriage, he declined.

 

He seems very remorseful for everything he has put me through, apologizes profusely, says, "but I'm here now, okay?" promises that we are going to be together. I just have no guarantee when.

 

Most of you will probably tell me to cut it off until the divorce is final. I hear you. But part of me can't shake the feeling that it would seem ungrateful in a way, to do that. I know it was extremely hard for him to make the move, and I know he misses his daughter, he got very emotional last night talking about it. Am I truly screwed if I continue seeing him while he goes through this process? I feel he will see me as expecting too much from him if I demand all these things at once, and it does seem like he is trying because not having me around was a clarifying experience for him.

 

Don't get me wrong, i'm still terrified to invest more into this man and have him turn around and move back in. It's so hard to cut off someone you love who has just taken a big step to move closer toward being with you.

[CloudyHead]

Having gone through what you are going through and having the gift of 20/20, I think my ex-MM used me as a crutch to get him through the separation from his wife and kids. He cried. He told me how hard it was to leave someone with whom you shared so many memories and know that there will be no more memories together. He cried more. He said he needed me to get him through this time in his life.

 

I think he said those things to keep me around. I was a safety net for him while he decided if he was going to leave his wife and, once he did leave, if he had the determination to stay separated.

[anika99]

You feel obligated to hold his hand through his divorce and seperation because you are looking at it from the perspective of "awww this poor man going through so much for me. He is leaving his marriage and family for me so at the very least I should stand by him and support him whilst he goes through the turmoil of divorce, considering that he is doing it all for me"

 

The problem with this is that he shouldn't be leaving his marriage for another woman. He should only be divorcing because he considers his marriage unsalvagable and something he no longer wants regardless of weather he has another woman waiting in the wings or not. If he is only leaving for the sake of being with you then that is yet another blight on how you're relationship is starting and you will be the one who pays for it. Who do you think he will resent when the guilt of walking out on his family catches up to him?

 

If he's not leaving his wife for you and he would be getting divorced even if you were long gone then that is something he needs to go through on his own. Women are usually advised to steer clear of becoming too emotionally involved with newly seperated or recently divorced men because they are too unpredictable and unstable to trust or rely on. The first woman they get involved with after their seperation often gets tossed to the wayside when the guy decides that he wants to spread his wings and have fun or when he decides the grass isn't greener and goes back to his wife.

[BaileyB]

You feel obligated to hold his hand through his divorce and seperation because you are looking at it from the perspective of "awww this poor man going through so much for me. He is leaving his marriage and family for me so at the very least I should stand by him and support him whilst he goes through the turmoil of divorce, considering that he is doing it all for me"

 

The problem with this is that he shouldn't be leaving his marriage for another woman. He should only be divorcing because he considers his marriage unsalvagable and something he no longer wants regardless of weather he has another woman waiting in the wings or not. If he is only leaving for the sake of being with you then that is yet another blight on how you're relationship is starting and you will be the one who pays for it. Who do you think he will resent when the guilt of walking out on his family catches up to him?

 

If he's not leaving his wife for you and he would be getting divorced even if you were long gone then that is something he needs to go through on his own. Women are usually advised to steer clear of becoming too emotionally involved with newly seperated or recently divorced men because they are too unpredictable and unstable to trust or rely on. The first woman they get involved with after their seperation often gets tossed to the wayside when the guy decides that he wants to spread his wings and have fun or when he decides the grass isn't greener and goes back to his wife.

 

I totally agree with this post.

 

You seem quite resigned to stay and try to make it work with this man. In that case, the best you can do is make him prove that he is really serious about the divorce and building a life with you - file the papers, get the divorce, live on his own for a while while he deals with the end of his marriage... Only after he has done this for a considerable amount of time should you really consider taking the next step.

[BTDT2012]

He said he doesn't have a timeline he will set deadlines in stone, but he is working on being by himself and being happy so that he doesn't just form a codependent living relationship with me and have things go wrong again. He also said he is trying to build a good relationship with me, a normal one, where we are dating and we get to visit each other and FaceTime in the evenings and really build a solid foundation instead of the drama we have been living.

 

He is a smooth talker. He is giving you just enough hope to keep you hanging around and uninvolved with any other man,

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I believe you and him but I'd be worried once everything it done and over with, neither one of you will end up with him. This man can't be alone. You'll help him through this time and he'll move on to greener pastures now that he has a taste of the "single life."

Edited August 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smalltownwriter]

I believe you and him but I'd be worried once everything it done and over with, neither one of you will end up with him. This man can't be alone. You'll help him through this time and he'll move on to greener pastures now that he has a taste of the "single life."

 

I don't disagree with this being a serious possibility. But is cutting him off the only way to sniff that out? I feel like we've had a breakthrough since he moved out and I hate giving the impression that I'm forcing him to make a move before he's ready or backing out on him.

[deadsoul]

I don't disagree with this being a serious possibility. But is cutting him off the only way to sniff that out? I feel like we've had a breakthrough since he moved out and I hate giving the impression that I'm forcing him to make a move before he's ready or backing out on him.

 

It's not about cutting him off. It's about giving him space to sort his crap and learning how to be on his own. I don't think he'd do that though. I get the impression with you out of the picture, he'd go crawling back to his wife. And I feel like deep down, you know this. He should not be leaving her for you and essentially, that's what he's doing.

 

Ultimately, you know what's best for you, but your posts just hint that you doubt him and keeping in mind, we only can advise you based on your writing and your point of view, my own instincts want to tell you, "Run Forest. Run far and fast."

 

Ask yourself why you wouldn't be able to take some time apart and give him (and you) the time and space to figure things out. To me, the answer to that is telling of what this relationship is...

[S2B]

I believe you and him but I'd be worried once everything it done and over with, neither one of you will end up with him. This man can't be alone. You'll help him through this time and he'll move on to greener pastures now that he has a taste of the "single life."

 

True in many cases like this.

 

Love should really not be built on fear.

 

IF he truly loves you he will wait for you to be ready and that means after he's divorced AND has sifted through all his crap that caused him to figure cheating solves his problems.

 

If he doesn't, then expect he hasn't changed at all and never learned about himself enough to know how to be faithful to one woman. If he doesn't - the odds of him cheating on his next woman are huge.

 

You really want that for yourself? Or you want to stay away and give him the time and room to sift through his crap and grow as a human being who considers how his actions affect others.

 

Stay away and lay out YOUR specific guidelines that will require him to grow and learn about his behavior before he contacts you ever again...but NOT before his D is final and he's done the necessary work to get healthy emotionally and mentally.

[whichwayisup]

Am I truly screwed if I continue seeing him while he goes through this process?

 

Yes.

 

This man right now isn't capable of a giving and open relationship with you while he is still legally married and sorting out a divorce, custody etc, and helping his child adjust to all the changes, let alone dealing with his soon to be wife and finances. You are saving yourself and possibly a future relationship with him by walking away and giving him time and space to work things out and be on his own (alone!) to process everything. He can't just up and leave and start a new life with you! That's unhealthy.

 

You're not his therapist, you can't help him through this stuff. He has to do it on his own. Also, notice for (probably the whole time) most of your time with him, it's about HIM. If he loves you and cares for you he'll let you go and come find you again when the timing is right and he's in a healthier place to date you and be with you in a proper way. He has nothing to give to you now except pain and confusion.

[whichwayisup]

I don't disagree with this being a serious possibility. But is cutting him off the only way to sniff that out? I feel like we've had a breakthrough since he moved out and I hate giving the impression that I'm forcing him to make a move before he's ready or backing out on him.

 

You don't have to cut him out completely, just stop having sex or any intimacy with him until he's officially divorced. Focus on YOU and YOUR life instead of him and his life. His life is a mess and IF he is going to divorce he has to do it because he'd rather be alone than stay married to his wife. If he is leaving "for you", your relationship has no chance of lasting.... If he wants out, he'll do all he can to make it happen. If he doesn't and this lags on for months and months or even a year, then you know he's playing both of you.

 

How long are you willing to wait?

[smalltownwriter]

That's a good question. I don't know. I feel like when I hit my wall, I'll know it. I visited him this week, it went well. But he has a bunch of stuff still at his house. He's only partially moved in. We had a conversation yesterday and I tried to explain to him that it feels like he's only half in this, and that I have to feel like it's hanging over my head that if I piss him off enough at any given point in time, he'll just go back there because he's already set up for an easy return. The answer was that moving things out was painful for him and he was doing it at his pace, he's not happy with the situation and was dealing with it how he could.

 

I am certain all of you guys are right, and at some point, after he is done experimenting with me, he'll decide to go back with her. There's just this nagging feeling I have though "what if." It's hard to turn my back on that feeling. I hope someone can relate and you don't all just think I'm a POS.

[BaileyB]

Nobody thinks that you are a POS. Please, don't ever think that.

 

In listening to your story, I feel like I have come to know you. You are a good person who is stumbling through life, as we all do from time to time. Personally, I don't want to see you hurt and disappointed again by this man. I wish you well.

[MidnightBlue1980]

That's a good question. I don't know. I feel like when I hit my wall, I'll know it. I visited him this week, it went well. But he has a bunch of stuff still at his house. He's only partially moved in. We had a conversation yesterday and I tried to explain to him that it feels like he's only half in this, and that I have to feel like it's hanging over my head that if I piss him off enough at any given point in time, he'll just go back there because he's already set up for an easy return. The answer was that moving things out was painful for him and he was doing it at his pace, he's not happy with the situation and was dealing with it how he could.

 

I am certain all of you guys are right, and at some point, after he is done experimenting with me, he'll decide to go back with her. There's just this nagging feeling I have though "what if." It's hard to turn my back on that feeling. I hope someone can relate and you don't all just think I'm a POS.

 

I spent 3 years when I was single in a relationship with a guy who was separated. He never did get divorced. That was 15 years ago now. He was never able to pull the trigger because he would say he did not have enough security from me to be able to end his marriage. I'd be really good for a while but eventually I'd get upset at no movement on his end and things would regress, leaving him with the feeling of not being able to count on me being there, should he divorce. It's a dreadful cycle, and it was a very painful experience.

 

I disagree with the others who say to stop intimacy until he is divorced. Divorce can take years. You are correct that he will view it as a sign that you won't be there for him. I'm not saying that you should of course dive in headfirst, I just see it as all in or all out. I'd say that if he shows signs of actually getting divorced, that would be positive - but I don't like how he acted when you were pregnant. I don't see how you can move on with him after he offered for his wife and he to raise your baby. That does not sound like a man divorcing.

 

The problem is that you really don't know what the outcome will be and you can waste years of your life in this experience. If you are happy, then maybe it is okay. But typically the woman is not happy. I have a friend who is getting divorced and has a girlfriend. They did not start out as an affair but it started the day he filed the papers. That was in April 2016. Other than that act, no progress has been made. He lives with his parents and his family has the marital home. There are logistical reasons for this and it makes sense. It is a horrible relationship for the girlfriend though. They fight constantly, he is always breaking up with her and getting back together. He's a total mess over his kids. She is not my friend but if she asked me I'd tell her - move on.

 

For me I eventually moved on and honestly, I am so happy I did.

[elaine567]

He has history, he left his first wife, so how did he do that and was his second wife his OW?

 

If so, then perhaps he follows a pattern, and that may give you some insight into how this will pan out.

If for instance he moved out slowly but never returned to his wife thereafter then that may give you hope that that is how this will play out, but if he spent years going back and fore to his first wife then that may be what you need to expect here too.

[BaileyB]

When I met my current boyfriend, he had been separated for two years and the divorce was just becoming final. He thought he was ready to date, but it was a difficult divorce and there was a child involved. There was no chance he was going back to his ex-wife, but he told me after three months that he was not ready for anything really serious... He had discovered that he needed more time to get sorted, with his home, his son, financially, etc... we said goodbye amicably because I wasn't willing to waste my time "dating" a man who was clear that he was not ready for a serious relationship. As much as it hurt, I respected him for taking the time that he needed to sort his life. Over a year later, he sent me and email and asked if I would meet him for coffee... It's been great ever since.

 

It's different, but I tell this story because HE has since told me that if we would have continued to date when we first met, we would never have lasted... And he had been separated for two years, his divorce was final, and he was NEVER considering going back to his wife.

 

I agree with midnight, I don't like how he treated you during your pregnancy. I don't know how you can ever forget that he wanted you to give him the baby to raise with his wife. And now, well it sounds like he has one foot in and one foot out the door. You will live in fear that he may decide at any moment to leave and return to his family. And, I can't imagine being in a relationship and feeling the pressure that he left his wife and child - for me. I can't imagine the first fight when he says "you know, I left my family - for you!"

 

I can appreciate the fact that you feel that you want to see what may come of this... You don't want to live with the "what ifs..." But, there is a lot to be said for being able to say, "I want a happy, healthy relationship for myself and my child. We deserve that and sadly, this is just not that relationship."

 

I do wish you well though...

Edited September 3, 2017 by BaileyB

[smalltownwriter]

He has history, he left his first wife, so how did he do that and was his second wife his OW?

 

If so, then perhaps he follows a pattern, and that may give you some insight into how this will pan out.

If for instance he moved out slowly but never returned to his wife thereafter then that may give you hope that that is how this will play out, but if he spent years going back and fore to his first wife then that may be what you need to expect here too.

 

No, his second wife was not the OW and there are those who will tell me I don't know for sure, but I am confident I know the truth about this because of the timeline. He told me it took him a full year to move out from the moment he had come to a decision that his first marriage was over. I know he is the type that has to process things, which is why I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but at the very least I felt like...if you're moving out to date me, then move out.

[deadsoul]

It shouldn't matter what strangers on the internet think. For the record, you aren't a POS and the assumptions that people think you are might be your conscious telling you that something about this isn't right.

 

If you feel you should follow this through, by all means, do it. If things work out, that's awesome... and if they don't... I'd be the last person to say, "I told you so." because sometimes you just need to go all the way through it to learn. Think of this whole situation as a learning experience and ask yourself if you are truly being fulfilled by this relationship or if you deserve better.

 

Then you'll know what to do... but the bottom line is don't spend your life waiting for him. Live your own life and find your own happy.

[sandylee1]

I just couldn't forgive his behaviour during the pregnancy, but I believe you think the sun shines out of his rear and will stay with him until he finally dumps you altogether.

[BaileyB]

STW, I find myself thinking of you and wondering how you are doing? How are things going with your mm? Hope you are well.