OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **

[anika99]

OP you don't know anything about his wife. You have never spoken to her or her family. You don't even live in the same town as her. All you know about her is what he told you and why on earth would believe anything he tells you? He's the one that cheats and lies, he's the one that was hoping he could just make his his wife so miserable she would choose to leave without him having to tell her anything about his activities, he's the one that lied when she supposedly outright asked him if he had a gf, he's the one who supposedly tried to tell her about the affair over text. He's the one who has conflict avoidance issues up the wazoo, yet you still believe his nonsense. No, what he says about his wife and what she does isn't believable, at all.

 

I bet if you called his wife you would find out that she either doesn't have a clue that you exist or that he is telling her you were a big mistake and is begging her not to leave him.

[Tamari]

Don't worry about that, it isn't.

 

But of course, I 'could' be wrong so if you want to know for sure: check with his wife.

 

All the best to you.

[BaileyB]

He told me he will never love anyone other than me and the price he will pay for his weakness (not being able to push through a divorce) will be a lifetime of misery. Every day he gets more miserable, misses me more every day.

 

"I can't and won't live without you for long."

 

He is yours forever...

 

OMG - what a drama king.

 

It absolutely blows my mind that he sees himself as the victim in this little drama... He should be on stage...

[BaileyB]

I bet if you called his wife you would find out that she either doesn't have a clue that you exist or that he is telling her you were a big mistake and is begging her not to leave him.

 

Absolutely. You have absolutely no idea what he has told her or what she knows. And, you can't believe a word he says... So, I wouldn't even begin to pass judgment or think about what you would do if you were in her position. You have absolutely no idea what is happening in their marriage or what he has told her.

[S2B]

4 days later he texted me. I would have blocked him if not for work. He told me he will never love anyone other than me and the price he will pay for his weakness (not being able to push through a divorce) will be a lifetime of misery. Every day he gets more miserable, misses me more every day, etc. stop me if you've heard this before.

 

Again, I heard "I'm going to work up the courage to leave her. I'm more miserable every day." I told him that would likely fade the more time that passes and the longer he stays and gets used to life without me. He insisted not. I called him on all the crappy things he said to me Monday and Tuesday. He apologized and said he was in a lot of pain. "I can't and won't live without you for long."

 

I basically told him I didn't want to talk to him unless he had left, because if not he got to be a cake eater and I was left with the short end of the stick every time. He said okay and he would talk to me when he could, that he loves me, and he is mine forever.

 

This is BS. I tried really hard to be strong and not fall into old patterns, even though I knew he was going for it because he called me "baby," but how do I move on with my life not knowing if he's going to come around the corner at any given time with "surprise, I left her and we can be together now!"

 

Even if I did not still love him and did not want to be with him, that would be a lot to manage emotionally, not knowing when it's coming.

 

As for his W, he said - and I believe based on what I know about her - they have not discussed the affair since he told her and pushed for divorce on Tuesday, other than to tell her we broke up but that he loves me and would never get over me. I questioned whether he really told her, he said he did but he didn't tell her about the pregnancy. I believe him because if he was trying to prevent me from telling her, why give me the most harmful ammunition there was?

 

So if what he says is true, he told her all this, they still haven't discussed anything, she just ignores it (again, this is all believable based on what I know to be true about her), doesn't ask questions, doesn't make steps to repair the marriage, they just continue quietly resenting each other and co-existing, how in the world can that last? Why would she even want a lifetime of that just so she doesn't have to split holidays? I just keep thinking my god, if my boyfriend or husband told me that about another woman - that he will always love her and never get over her - I'm either forcing him into counseling or I'm packing my bags.

 

He never told her! Be sure of that.

 

And any man that that had told but is still there is working toward saving that marriage...

 

So either way he is right where he chooses to be - at home with his wife.

 

Meanwhile he's still stringing you along for his own benefit while he hurts you... but he can't if you put a complete end to this!

 

No amount of business is worth this crap of lies he keeps handing you.

 

Take hold of your future and block him forever unless he comes with finalized divorce papers! Even so, you're still left with a liar who only thinks of himself! Good luck with that!

[sandylee1]

This man is really something. I also don't believe he told his wife anything.

 

It was a tactic to keep you in your place. He wants a wife and a mistress. Not one or the other and if it comes down to a choice...... He chooses his wife.

 

Isn't this the man who said he and his wife would adopt the baby..?

 

He's a real headcase and if I didn't think he was dangerous, I would say to tell his wife... But I think he could get very nasty.

 

I know you won't go with this, but I'll say it anyway I'd quit that job and text him never to contact you, then block him every which way ...

 

I'd be very scared of a man like him. I'm not really one to throw around terms like narcissistic... But this guy seems to fit the bill.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This man is really something. I also don't believe he told his wife anything.

 

It was a tactic to keep you in your place. He wants a wife and a mistress. Not one or the other and if it comes down to a choice...... He chooses his wife.

 

Isn't this the man who said he and his wife would adopt the baby..?

 

He's a real headcase and if I didn't think he was dangerous, I would say to tell his wife... But I think he could get very nasty.

 

I know you won't go with this, but I'll say it anyway I'd quit that job and text him never to contact you, then block him every which way ...

 

I'd be very scared of a man like him. I'm not really one to throw around terms like narcissistic... But this guy seems to fit the bill.

 

I have to agree. I have 2 kids and it would be a nightmare to deal with a married couple as their father-stepmother. I do agree children should know their parents but at least take control. Part of me thinks tell him you lost the baby and then have it and decide what you want a few years from now.

[smalltownwriter]

Today is a hard day. He ended up coming back promising he would follow through because he couldn't live without me, I bought it because I am weak when it comes to him, a week later and he called it off yet again. I hope it's for good because I just can't take the emotional turmoil any longer.

 

This time he at least had the decency to call me. We went back and forth for probably an hour and a half. We both broke down at several different points in the conversation. He said he was "so sorry" for all the things he did to me and he loves me "so much." I kept vying for my position until he told me the night before that he had already told her he was back in and going to work on their marriage. Right before he told me he was scared and I was trying to talk him through it. He gave me the cold shoulder that night too even though I did nothing but answer his texts. Then he went downstairs (he had been sleeping on the couch) and told her he was recommitting and they slept in the same bed.

 

Hearing that hurt my heart so much that I couldn't fight him on it anymore. I've been on a self destructive course since then. I went out last night. Slept with a very close guy friend because I was drunk and wanted to get my mind off of it. And cried afterward because it just wasn't the same, if that makes sense. Yeah, that was only a tad awkward.

 

Anyway social media has been a curse for me. I don't have the strength to delete him. He's been using it to keep an eye on me. I know it because I can see who views my Snapchat and am purposely posting things I want him to see- like me going out and having a good time. I know it isn't right or mature but I guess I wanted to see if he still cared. Today he sent me a text out of nowhere about work that he could have easily asked someone else about, if he really wanted to avoid contact. It was strictly work related and a very short exchange but I know it was on purpose. Why? Hasn't he done enough to destroy me? Will it make his life better by making sure I will always be pining away for him?

 

He is coming into town for work for THREE WEEKS at the end of the month and I'm practically paralyzed by fear. I'm sure statistics say he will reach out to me with a reason to see each other outside of work. I don't know if I believe that he will. I know he had some presents for my son, and I have three things I had already gotten for him that he certainly can live without but could use as an excuse. I'm just terrified of either outcome. I'm terrified he will try to spend time with me and I'm terrified of how it will feel if he doesn't try. I'm terrified to see him up there. One of those three weeks he is in town I will be working closely with him and several others on a project.

 

And you know after all this, what I can't stop thinking about? He had given me two of his sweatshirts awhile back, I always loved the way he smelled and they smelled like him. I gave them back to him on his last trip because I needed him to wear them so they'd smell like him again (maybe weird to others but I had been through a lot and faced it alone, I always wore them around the house). And I can't stop thinking that I wish I still had them. I wish I hadn't given them back when I did because now I'll never get them back.

 

I hate all of this so much.

Edited August 12, 2017 by smalltownwriter

[travelbug1996]

Are you still pregnant? I'm confused.

[smalltownwriter]

No. I tried to make a separate thread and they merged them into the original one. I had the abortion like he asked. Then had to go through a D&C because there was remaining tissue. I know many would argue that it was the best choice, but every day I wish I still had that baby.

[elaine567]

I hope it's for good because I just can't take the emotional turmoil any longer.

 

You don't need to hope, you MAKE SURE it is for good.

Start taking control of your own life.

YOU are not a child any longer, you are actually the 32 yo mother of a small child and you need to start making decisions that are good for you and good for your child.

 

This man is actually "nuts", and like others here I believe he may actually have some sort of personality disorder, he lacks empathy, he manipulates, he uses people as pawns in a game and he is very good at the "pity play", so why are you putting yourself and your child at risk here?

 

Start looking for a new job and disappear. He will no doubt find some other victim to be cruel to, so do not spend one more moment of your time feeling sorry for him.

There is nothing but heart ache for you here.

YOU have spent years in turmoil over this idiot, it is now time to wake up and smell the coffee and start thinking of your child and her welfare.

Get out and find a new life for yourself.

YOU are choosing to be "weak" - stop it right now.

[BaileyB]

You are choosing this life for yourself. You are choosing to ride this emotional roller coaster... And you can chose to get off at any time.

 

I once took a course and there was a quote posted on the board that I've never forgotten. It simply said "nobody can treat you badly unless you let them."

 

I think this is true for you. He continues to jerk you around - only because you let him. And, he will continues to jerk you around when he comes to town for work - if you let him.

 

Don't let him...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Will it make his life better by making sure I will always be pining away for him?

 

 

Yes, because that's the kind of person he is.

 

You need to quit this job. You own your own business and this is not your career, right? Quit the job, block him on social media, and get him out of your life.

[S2B]

Today is a hard day. He ended up coming back promising he would follow through because he couldn't live without me, I bought it because I am weak when it comes to him, a week later and he called it off yet again. I hope it's for good because I just can't take the emotional turmoil any longer.

 

This time he at least had the decency to call me. We went back and forth for probably an hour and a half. We both broke down at several different points in the conversation. He said he was "so sorry" for all the things he did to me and he loves me "so much." I kept vying for my position until he told me the night before that he had already told her he was back in and going to work on their marriage. Right before he told me he was scared and I was trying to talk him through it. He gave me the cold shoulder that night too even though I did nothing but answer his texts. Then he went downstairs (he had been sleeping on the couch) and told her he was recommitting and they slept in the same bed.

 

Hearing that hurt my heart so much that I couldn't fight him on it anymore. I've been on a self destructive course since then. I went out last night. Slept with a very close guy friend because I was drunk and wanted to get my mind off of it. And cried afterward because it just wasn't the same, if that makes sense. Yeah, that was only a tad awkward.

 

Anyway social media has been a curse for me. I don't have the strength to delete him. He's been using it to keep an eye on me. I know it because I can see who views my Snapchat and am purposely posting things I want him to see- like me going out and having a good time. I know it isn't right or mature but I guess I wanted to see if he still cared. Today he sent me a text out of nowhere about work that he could have easily asked someone else about, if he really wanted to avoid contact. It was strictly work related and a very short exchange but I know it was on purpose. Why? Hasn't he done enough to destroy me? Will it make his life better by making sure I will always be pining away for him?

 

He is coming into town for work for THREE WEEKS at the end of the month and I'm practically paralyzed by fear. I'm sure statistics say he will reach out to me with a reason to see each other outside of work. I don't know if I believe that he will. I know he had some presents for my son, and I have three things I had already gotten for him that he certainly can live without but could use as an excuse. I'm just terrified of either outcome. I'm terrified he will try to spend time with me and I'm terrified of how it will feel if he doesn't try. I'm terrified to see him up there. One of those three weeks he is in town I will be working closely with him and several others on a project.

 

And you know after all this, what I can't stop thinking about? He had given me two of his sweatshirts awhile back, I always loved the way he smelled and they smelled like him. I gave them back to him on his last trip because I needed him to wear them so they'd smell like him again (maybe weird to others but I had been through a lot and faced it alone, I always wore them around the house). And I can't stop thinking that I wish I still had them. I wish I hadn't given them back when I did because now I'll never get them back.

 

I hate all of this so much.

 

 

Come on - get some strength and make SURE he has NO possible way to ever see you again!

 

You are handing him all of YOUR power!

 

Take back your power. Get some professional help to get strong.

 

This man had a hand in ending a life you wished to have.

 

You should be looking at him like venom. He is toxic and selfish.

 

You do NOT need to be at his mercy. Move if needed - but surely change jobs so you have no contact with him ever again.

[smalltownwriter]

Okay so....I had been very good about not taking any of his bait these last few days, which, there was a lot. I couldn't block him from everything because I had not decided what to do about this work gig yet - like i said it's my dream career so I was trying to see if I could move to another company and do something similar first.

 

He reached out a ton. If it was just social or "I miss you," I ignored it completely.

 

He just told me this morning he told his wife he was really done and was moving out, they had the conversation. He's getting a weekly place while he looks for an apartment. He already booked a trip to come out here in a few days to see me. He is packing his things tomorrow while she is at work. Then he is going back at the end of the weekend to do furniture shopping and see his daughter. I of course had no idea any of this was going on because we weren't speaking.

 

Trust me, I am not trying to say I have forgiven him or things will be fine, or even that I trust him or want to be with him, I'm just wondering if this is for real. He said he is waiting a bit to file, so he isn't dealing all these blows at once. I do realize this might be a common occurrence, for them to move out and say this is it and then back out anyway. Is that the more likely scenario here? Please don't blast me for not being strong enough to tell him to screw off. I get it, based on what you know, he is a terrible person and I could never trust him, etc. I'm just trying to process all of this and get a handle on what the common theme is after they move out.

[BTDT2012]

He just told me this morning he told his wife he was really done and was moving out, they had the conversation. He's getting a weekly place while he looks for an apartment.

 

He said he is waiting a bit to file, so he isn't dealing all these blows at once.

 

 

It's not that difficult to get an apartment. Stop letting him play with you. Is he coming for work?

[smalltownwriter]

It's not that difficult to get an apartment. Stop letting him play with you. Is he coming for work?

 

He's getting the weekly place for one week and he has started his apartment hunt today. He wanted to get out as fast as possible to not drag it out. He's moving his things out tomorrow while she's gone so that he can make the move quickly but he will be here for a few days so that's less time he has to get an apartment.

 

He isn't coming for work, he is coming because there was a concert we were supposed to go to on Friday - my favorite artist, I'm a diehard fan - and it was supposed to be this special thing we were going to be able to do together that we had planned months ago. He is supposed to come for work at the end of the month for 3 weeks.

[smalltownwriter]

Also he said he isn't going to take his son to a hotel, who he has on a weekly basis, so he's either getting an apartment by next week or he's moving back in, I guess. His son will be back with him when he gets back.

[somanymistakes]

It's not that difficult to get an apartment. Stop letting him play with you. Is he coming for work?

 

I have a friend who's been stuck in a hotel for a month so far desperately trying to find an apartment to rent. Every single one he applies for is already snapped up by someone else. Housing can be hard.

 

I don't trust the MM in this story one bit, though.

[BTDT2012]

He's getting the weekly place for one week and he has started his apartment hunt today. He wanted to get out as fast as possible to not drag it out. He's moving his things out tomorrow while she's gone so that he can make the move quickly but he will be here for a few days so that's less time he has to get an apartment.

 

He isn't coming for work, he is coming because there was a concert we were supposed to go to on Friday - my favorite artist, I'm a diehard fan - and it was supposed to be this special thing we were going to be able to do together that we had planned months ago. He is supposed to come for work at the end of the month for 3 weeks.

 

This makes no sense It sounds like he orchestrated a fight with his wife (if he's telling the truth) and will be going back to his house after seeing you. You'd be better off going to that concert with a friend.

[deadsoul]

He's getting the weekly place for one week and he has started his apartment hunt today. He wanted to get out as fast as possible to not drag it out. He's moving his things out tomorrow while she's gone so that he can make the move quickly but he will be here for a few days so that's less time he has to get an apartment.

 

He isn't coming for work, he is coming because there was a concert we were supposed to go to on Friday - my favorite artist, I'm a diehard fan - and it was supposed to be this special thing we were going to be able to do together that we had planned months ago. He is supposed to come for work at the end of the month for 3 weeks.

 

Wanna know how to truly find out if he's serious? Tell him if he means all this crap he's shoveling you then prove it. Tell him to go completely NC with you for 6 months to a year and sort out his crap. Get his divorce or whatever. Then when he feels ready, he can come back to you and if you are still interested and available, you can start something slowly. Oh yeah, you should also meet his STBXW to find out if all this is true.

 

Guess what? He won't do that. And neither will you, unfortunately. You are both addicted to each other and it's destroying you piece by piece. I wish I could give you the strength and the will to stop it, but I can't.

 

So I will leave you with, good luck and I hope it all works out for you and you are able to come back here and tell me I'm full of it. I want to be wrong. But deep down, do you truly believe it will work out based on his past behaviors?

[freengreen]

I couldnt read the whole thread... got furious in the middle of it.

 

This man has done every sort of torture possible and you want him??... Help me connect the dots if they are actually any.

 

First get the eff out of his life and then figure out why it was your best decission ever.

[jenkins95]

Wanna know how to truly find out if he's serious? Tell him if he means all this crap he's shoveling you then prove it. Tell him to go completely NC with you for 6 months to a year and sort out his crap. Get his divorce or whatever. Then when he feels ready, he can come back to you and if you are still interested and available, you can start something slowly. Oh yeah, you should also meet his STBXW to find out if all this is true.

 

Guess what? He won't do that. And neither will you, unfortunately. You are both addicted to each other and it's destroying you piece by piece. I wish I could give you the strength and the will to stop it, but I can't.

 

So I will leave you with, good luck and I hope it all works out for you and you are able to come back here and tell me I'm full of it. I want to be wrong. But deep down, do you truly believe it will work out based on his past behaviors?

 

(((smalltownwriter)))

 

I tend to agree with deadsoul here (as I usually do!). There has been more back and forth in this story than a football match. How many more times are you going to leave the door open for him and make yourself vulnerable to being hurt?

 

I think deadsoul is spot on with this: -

 

"Tell him to go completely NC with you for 6 months to a year and sort out his crap. Get his divorce or whatever."

 

If he can come to you a year from now, healthy and stable, divorce paper in hand...and he still wants you...and you still want him...then go for it!

 

Anything else is just inviting this awful cycle to hurt you over and over again and perpetuate.

 

Good luck smalltownwriter

[BaileyB]

(((smalltownwriter)))

 

I tend to agree with deadsoul here (as I usually do!). There has been more back and forth in this story than a football match. How many more times are you going to leave the door open for him and make yourself vulnerable to being hurt?

 

I think deadsoul is spot on with this: -

 

"Tell him to go completely NC with you for 6 months to a year and sort out his crap. Get his divorce or whatever."

 

If he can come to you a year from now, healthy and stable, divorce paper in hand...and he still wants you...and you still want him...then go for it!

 

Anything else is just inviting this awful cycle to hurt you over and over again and perpetuate.

 

Good luck smalltownwriter

 

I totally agree. Good advice from dead soul.

[travelbug1996]

He's going back home honey. Don't get your hopes up.

 

He can't lie to you if you don't listen to him. He knows what you want to hear so he will continue to say it.

 

He knows that you are very vulnerable to words.

 

Please stop this. It is a mind f@#$.