My Friend [has been having an affair]

[MountainGirl111]

I'll try to be as brief as possible. My good friend has been having an affair with a married man for over a year. She confided in me about it six months ago and told me some of the details about how it got started and what not. But, she also confided in me that while she is in love with this man, she is not entirely happy being the other woman. She is single. She doesn't have kids. She feels like she is leading a double life and all the sneaking around and cover ups I think is really wearing her down and making her unhappy. In fact, I think she might be depressed. She doesn't seem to take interest in the things she used to enjoy. She seems to isolating herself. I've caught her looking like she has a flat affect. She's drinking more than she used to. I've watched my dear friend go from a happy well balanced upbeat person to someone in misery. I know this love affair has her still in love with the MM, but at what cost to her psyche and she has been neglecting her other relationships.

 

I don't want to alienate her as I am one person in her life she feels free to be honest with and doesn't feel she has to "hide" this affair from. It's good to have at least one person in your life you can be like with because to hold it all in is just not healthy and confession is like unburdening the soul.

 

What can I do to help her?

 

I've never been in these types of shoes before, so I don't know. But, I can see how lonely the life of the OW really is, even if it is one of her own choosing. She said she's tried to break it off before and cannot seem to make it stick.

[anika99]

She sounds like she has become trapped in the same soul destroying hell most OW become trapped in. It started off as fun and games and then she fell in love and can't get herself out and the lower her self esteem goes the harder it is for her to stop.

 

Not much you can do other than being a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. You won't be able to talk her out of it. The pain of remaining in the affair has to become greater than the pain of ending it before she will take action. You could try directing her to Loveshack. When she reads all the stories here she will realize that her affair is not special or unique and that most affairs end very badly for everyone else n the triangle, especially the betrayed wife and the OW.

[preraph]

Someone needs to open her eyes to the fact that married men rarely leave their wives for their mistresses and that his goal is two women, not to narrow it down to one woman. Just be sure (gently) that she knows the reality. And tell her at the very least, she should be dating other guys too.

[Ronni_W]

My good friend has been having an affair with a married man for over a year. <snip>. What can I do to help her?

I think...get together with her and then share exactly what you wrote here. It is extremely genuine, loving, caring and heartfelt. (If she doesn't see that, then she really isn't yet open/ready to receive any type of 'help' related to what you're properly seeing about where she is and where she's headed. In that case, just continue to be the same loving, non-judgmental, compassionate friend that you are, and hope she'll come to her own awakening sooner than later.) Print out your post and more-or-less read it to her, if that'll feel easier.

 

Then share exactly what preraph wrote. Then offer to send her the link to LoveShack's Other Man/Other Woman sub-forum.

 

It's really all you can do.

[ChanSummary]

You can only listen, be there for her, and hope and pray she gets out of it soon.

[InvisiBlonde]

Stand by with the tissues, and send her to

 

Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue ? Break Emotional Unavailability, Embrace Loving Relationships, Grow Self-Esteem

[nc87whf]

Having been in your friend's situation (I ended it 3 months ago), I completely understand your concern. Almost all OW feel the same way: being the second best, feeling guilty of potentially hurting a family and another woman, always have to be available for the MM while he decides to meet whenever it's convenient for him etc. It was the most passionate love affair I ever had, but at the same time it was completely soul-crushing. I had wanted to end it 3 times before I finally decided enough is enough. I confided with 3 of my closest friends. While they were being mostly sympathetic and a sounding board to me, they could not have convinced me to end it. There is no way you suddenly stop loving someone just because your friend told you it's wrong and your moral conscience yells at you every other minute you are with him.

 

Like what others have said, she has to see it herself. She has to suffer enough to decide she no longer wants to be treated like that. That's exactly what I did. I didn't even see the breakup coming myself, but trust me, there will be a moment when he again treats her like crap, and she will realize, why am I torturing myself with this man who doesn't even deserve me the least bit?

 

Be there for her whenever she needs to talk. Be understanding and supportive of her. Take her side when she complains about him (she will). The moment will come and she will decide to leave. If she goes down a more dangerous path (like hurting herself or drinking to an excessive amount), pull her up and find other support, like persuading her to go to therapy. Keep an eye on her but let her resolve it. I have been there. It's incredibly painful and I'm still healing from the experience months after, but I can't be more thankful to my friends who have been there for me.

[ms millie]

All you can do is be the ears when she is ready to or needs to talk. I had a 3 year affair and only one person knew the full story. Being the OW is awful,and she is suffering. At some point she will realize the pain is not worth the pleasure. Till then, and after,just be available.