Parents literally ignored 30th

[BWFMT]

So today it is my 30th birthday, and I cannot help but feel a little put out by my family.

 

I did not expect too much for my birthday, I am definitely more of a giver in life and have spent a lot of time making other peoples days unique or special. So I don't know why I ever assumed anybody, least of all my parents, would lift a finger today.

 

I had the family visiting yesterday, they arrived earlier than expected and caught me whilst I was at an appointment so informed me they would meet me in the pub next door. Upon arrival they had both just finished their lunches, which struck me as odd (I had not asked for anything from my parents for my birthday. Just that we have a nice day, maybe go somewhere nice for lunch) so you can imagine that I might have been a little surprised to find they had not only ordered, but finished lunch without me.

 

I ended up going for lunch alone, because my mother (who apparently could not afford very much) wanted to go and look at £50 lawn ornaments. I just feel really put out. My family have never been big on birthdays, ever since me and my brother hit our teenage years, but I have always at least assumed that 16,18,21 and then 30 are somewhat considered big ones. Not only did I not receive anything, I paid for my own solitary lunch while my mother bartered for stone gargoyles.

 

I spend my entire life literally never expecting anything; I let that guard down for one day and get exactly what was expected. Nothing.

 

My best friend thinks I need to address this with my parents, but I just don't even know where to begin. Should I just suck it up, keep quiet and pretend I am not bothered by it for the sake of peace?

[Art_Critic]

I always thought 30 wasn't a biggie.. but 40 for women and 50 for men, after 21 that is.

 

If it helps my 30th went by (23 years ago) and nobody in my family noticed either.

 

I say shrug it off...or speak to someone about it, maybe your Mom

[Bastile]

Can we swap parents, please?

 

I prefer to do my own thing on birthdays. If I'm doing something a bit crazy, I prefer to do it regardless of things like anniversaries. My parents have a different opinion though.

 

My 30th was last year, and my brother gave me a head's up that a surprise party was in the works (which is seriously my idea of a nightmare). Had to go to great lengths to get it stopped, and people were told that I was "ill" in the end.

 

Perhaps how we were raised has a lot to do with it? Seems like complete opposites.

 

And It's my opinion that people often operate from self-interest. My mother was setting up that party as a way to get her own needs met.

 

Edit: for instance

 

I am definitely more of a giver in life and have spent a lot of time making other peoples days unique or special. So I don't know why I ever assumed anybody, least of all my parents, would lift a finger today.

 

This strikes me as "nice-guy" syndrome. Giving in order to eventually receive, like a contract made with the universe.

 

Is that something that you find relevant?

Edited May 20, 2017 by Bastile

[basil67]

30th birthdays are a good excuse for a big party with friends, but they aren't significant or meaningful. You might get special family treatment for your 18th and 21st, but that's about it. After that, it's just another birthday.

 

A gift from them would have been nice. But if birthday celebrations are not their way, you shouldn't expect them to suddenly change.

 

Lastly, while it's lovely that you go the extra mile for friends, don't make the mistake of assuming that people will behave differently from their normal for you. Give for the joy of giving - not with expectations of it being returned.

Edited May 20, 2017 by basil67

[JellyTot]

I'm going to disagree with everyone else, because I think 30 IS a big birthday. It's the first one where you start to feel old and perhaps isolated if all your friends are having weddings and babies. For many people it's their first experience of existential angst. It's the one where you need love and support from the people closest to you. It's especially hard when you see others in your age group having a fuss made over them for their "big" birthday.

 

It wasn't very nice of your parents to eat lunch without you and make no effort for your birthday, but it sounds like they've always been this way. Perhaps you wanted them to make a fuss because there was nobody else to do it? If so then perhaps that's the main issue to be addressed. In future I wouldn't expect anything from your parents as they're clearly not bothered.

[Ronni_W]

My family have never been big on birthdays, ever since me and my brother hit our teenage years, but I have always at least assumed that 16,18,21 and then 30 are somewhat considered big ones.

BWFMT,

 

It's actually your own assumption that's got you down in the dumps. For many, many years you've known your family's views on birthdays for adults, and

you did not have any actual evidence or even hints that this year they'd all-of-a-sudden change their views about adult birthdays.

Without any genuine foundation or basis in fact, it's the assumption that is unrealistic.

 

If you feel or have come to realize that you have been over-extending yourself in your pursuit of trying to make other people feel happy, loved, cared for, special...then you owe it to yourself to stop draining and depleting yourself of time, Energy and mental-emotional resources in that way.

Same when you are giving without the proper mutual exchange of Energy, friendly feelings and good will.

 

Happy Birthday! . (Was it Yoda who said, "It's the first day of the rest of your life" - so, make it a GREAT one!)

[Whodatdog]

Birthdays are for kids. You are feeling pitiful over something you have no control over. Its YOUR birthday. So if you want something done about it, YOU plan it. Tell people, hey, Saturday is my birthday, lets go do something. Then you are controlling the situation. Stop being whiney about what other people do. You can't control them. Control the situation yourself.

[amaysngrace]

Happy Birthday!!

 

It's rude of them for sure. I plan to always do something special for my kids and their kids too (when they have them) on their birthdays just to always let them know how thankful I am that they were born....but that's just me...

[anika99]

First of all, HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY!!

 

I come from a family that doesn't make a fuss over adult birthdays and mostly I'm okay with that. When I turned 40 though I did want some extra attention from my family and I told them that ahead of time. They obliged and had a small party for me and I loved them for it, especially since it wasn't something they would normally do. Some might think being given a party that I asked for is pretty lame, lol, but I had been depressed due to some personal problems and felt like I needed some TLC so I decided to ask for it.

 

Sometimes it's okay to ask for what you want and sometimes our loved ones need us to tell them what we want and that doesn't make them heartless bad people. It's it better to tell people ahead of time what our expectations are rather than say nothing and then stew in resentment for years after.

[SammySammy]

I think the last time my parents made a big deal of my birthday I was twelve. Twelve.

 

I really don't get people thinking others should go out the way to celebrate your birthday. I can see up to 18 or 21 - the age of adulthood. But, after that, you're grown. If you or your spouse want to celebrate your birthday, go ahead. But, don't expect others to do much when you're 30, 40, and 50+ years old.

[preraph]

Well, it sounds like your parents are of the school who thinks only kid birthdays should be celebrated. I have found this with many people who have children. They want everyone to gift their kids as if they're family and not just the friend of the parent and then they stiff you on your birthday. I don't play with people who do that, but they're your parents. I don't see the value in telling them to make a deal out of your birthday, because the value in it is knowing someone was thinking of you and wanted to celebrate your day. I'd find it very hurtful.

 

I think the best thing you can do is exclude them from your birthday but make fun plans with friends, even if you have to organize it yourself. I have trouble with one of my friends wanting to do it ON the day or near it, which I find aggravating. I mean she has all year to make time for it. I told her, too. I said, I like to do my birthday usually ON my birthday or if work interferes, on the closest weekend.

 

And if you find friends aren't eager either, then spend money and take yourself to do something fun. I've certainly done that on a few years. I got tired of feeling I was dragging people out. I always remember their birthdays and ask when I can take them to dinner and get them a gift. So I understand the disappointment.

 

I feel if you don't care about a friendship enough to celebrate their day, then why are you still friends?

[Mr. Lucky]

I think the last time my parents made a big deal of my birthday I was twelve. Twelve.

 

This is something that simply varies family to family. My Mom was always big on birthdays, even when we were adults, my wife is the same way too.

 

Honestly, loved my parents and miss them every day, but they wouldn't have been my first choice of 30/40/50 year old birthday companions. Regardless, at that age, you're responsible for making your own plans and ensuring your own happiness. Less chance of disappointment...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BWFMT]

It has been helpful to read other peoples views here, although I think I should maybe expand on the situation somewhat;

 

My mom actually straight up asked me a few weeks back what I wanted for my birthday, and I said 'I don't want/ need anything - lets just go and have a nice lunch somewhere', which is why it was so odd to me that they would eat without me!

 

I'm not the type to create a fuss - usually I don't really do anything on my birthday anyway. But 30 to me was a big deal, and they knew that.

 

Thankfully, I had a great day with friends yesterday, which eliminated those negative feelings but I am still quite put out with the parents!

[Ronni_W]

Thankfully, I had a great day with friends yesterday,

Good to hear that you did end up having a positive 30th-birthday celebration experience!

 

You said that when your family arrived "earlier than [you] expected" you weren't home. This could have caused some confusion on their part, for instance if, in their minds, they were 'within the time-frame of when we are expected' - in that case they perhaps would have found it odd for you to not be there to greet them.

 

Point being, it might all have been innocent mistakes made on both sides, and lack of specific-enough communication when arranging to meet at the pub next door.

If it lingers with you, perhaps start non-confrontationally by asking them how they felt when they arrived to find you not available; for, even though you didn't intend it, perhaps having to wait for you after they'd made plans to celebrate your birthday with you 'put them out', as well? (Of course, though, the roots really will depend on the long-term family dynamics; special events might only serve to highlight those.)

[Arieswoman]

BWFMT,

I think you're getting upset over nothing, quite frankly.

 

I wish I had a 30th birthday to look forward to...unfortunately I won't see 30 again, not even through a telescope.......