Anyone in a relationship that began as infidelity?

[TheBathWater]

I'm wondering: how many relationships begin between two people when one of them is already in another relationship that is dying?

 

Furthermore, if and when these new relationships become cemented and the cheating partner leaves their significant other for you, how often does the new partner trust them to be faithful? Or does the new partner always feel insecure?

 

I'm in a situation right now where I'm seeing a woman who has been with someone else for almost 10 years. Her and her partner decided to try an open relationship approach last year where they could see other people and she and I started going out. They decided to try an open relationship because their connection has been distant and "more like roommates" for a long time. So at that point, it wasn't infidelity because it was "consensual non-monogamy." We ultimately decided to stop seeing each other because it got too intense, and then she and him simultaneously decided to be monogamous again. Now for the last couple of months we have been back together and he doesn't know, so it is officially an affair. She swears she has never done this before but because she had the experience of trying non-monogamy with me, it established a connection that now she wants more of. We have fallen in love.

 

There has been some talk of a potential future between us, but we're both worried about the role of infidelity being the grounds for our new relationship. Admittedly, I worry that she will "accidentally" find herself on a slippery slope to infidelity with one of her several attractive male friends who she enjoys hanging out and connecting with. At the same time, I do feel very confident that she loves me and I know she is at the point where she wants to get married and start a family. There is no prior history of infidelity. And I can actually picture the two of us together long-term one day. We seem to work together in a lot of ways. But I'm a bit scared knowing she cheated with me.

 

Is anyone in a successful monogamous relationship that started out like this? If so, how did the knowledge of how the two of you started out affect the relationship over the course of time?

Edited May 20, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[avvril3000]

I have done it, i wasn't the cheater but i was with the cheater (he was married) and he ended up divorcing his wife for me. We had a toxic, explosive, off and on relationship for 3 years after he divorced and everytime we had problems, he would blame me and say that he left his wife for me and this is what he got. I never asked him to leave his wife, i just told him i couldnt be the other woman anymore, so it was his decision in the end. But he always blamed. Also his ex wife and children blamed me. I was always the center of the blame.

 

These kind of relationships are centered around hurt, lying, deceit and distrust. The relationships are complicated and over time, tiring and wear you down.

 

I would say dont get involved with someone who is in this position. its not worth it. Find someone who is available, because relationships should be fun and not messy and hurtful.

 

That's my opinion.

[avvril3000]

You have to ask yourself why this person is still with the long term dude if theyre just like room mates. What is her point to staying in that relationship?

[TheBathWater]

You have to ask yourself why this person is still with the long term dude if theyre just like room mates. What is her point to staying in that relationship?

 

They've been together most of their adult lives and have many social and family ties to each other. Although she's not happy with him, he IS a good guy and she knows he is a safe choice for a husband and father if they do go further. But there's little depth to their relationship and she doesn't feel she gets from the connection what she ultimately wants with someone. She's incredibly torn right now and keeps saying she wishes she were single and we met under those conditions. But really, there is no other way we would have met. We started out when they tried an open relationship and I was her first and only additional partner. Now they're back to monogamy and her and I rekindled things after several months apart. It's gotten WAY more intense between us. She even lives with me while he is frequently away traveling on business. She's with me 3x more than she's with him. We're not sure if we're transitioning into a live-in relationship at this point where she will leave him, or if she's just going to keep it up as long as she can until she gets caught or circumstances pull us apart. It's incredibly messy. But we get along amazingly well and pretty much feel like we're already in a relationship. It's strange.