My Fiancee Out of Town for Work - Her Ex Will Be There - Does It Matter?

[billybadass36]

Roger that, C. I'm convinced that had the incident last summer not occurred, I'd not have near this much interest in what's going on this weekend in Irvine. I'm also convinced, however, that since my interest is peaked with regard to this weekend, it's at least partially her fault and she should at least attempt to make me "okay" with it. Well, it gets circular after that, and it makes my head hurt, so I'm just going to stop worrying about it. I get to the point where I'm convinced I'm "right" and I dig in emotionally to where I'm convinced if she doesn't do what I want her to do, I'm convinced she's "disrespecting me" or whatever. Thanks for your insight.

 

This morning I was half-hoping this thread had died since I started it, but now i'm glad it didn't. Thanks again.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

Let me get this straight. All she had to do was give you a 10 second phone call late in the evening as she promised to do but simply was unable to dial you phone and say good-night because every minute a new person was coming into the hotel and it was reunion time?....Oh please! She knew how you felt and promised she would do that. I am sorry Billy but clearly it was not a high priority to the man she is going to marry to make a 10 second phone call like she promised. What kind of message is that? Surely she knew exactly how this would make you feel and apparently didn't care. I think this is such Bull.... If she cannot even be bothered to do this when you are engaged I can only imagine what will happen after you are married. The bottom is that this is a question of a lack of respect toward you and she showed you where you stand on her priortiy list. Am I wrong?

[New_Wife]

My husband and I went to premarital counseling for about 6 months before we got married. We didn't actually have "problems" I was just scared after having been previously married, and he was after having never been married.

 

You guys actually have trust issues. I would suggest you double our Pre-MC time & see where it leads you. Another year is NOTHING as opposed to the rest of your life.

[clandestinidad]

I agree with everyone....she's not respecting how you feel about this, or what you need from her regarding this, and she doesnt seem to be doing anything to prove to you that she IS trustworthy.

 

Have you told her what specific things she could do to show you thats she's trustworthy? Besides actually calling when she said she would. It helps to have a number of things listed for people....then they can better understand what you need.

 

My boyfriend and I had been having problems for a while, and were finally able to calmly talk about it 2 days ago....and the only way he understood what I had been saying for the last 6 months was to give him a list of specific things I needed/wanted and why. Up until that point, he thought I was just making demands and nagging.

 

Anyway, while I certainly dont agree with what she's done, maybe she really doesnt know the repurcussions, or how it makes you feel when she doesnt follow through. I dont know...quite frankly I've never failed to follow through on something for someone I love, and it p!sses me off when people do. It makes us feel like we dont matter...like we're the last thing on their mind...and that if they cant do something as simple as that, then what else could/couldnt they do. And when/if you tell her this, if she gets rude and b!t(hy about it, I'd flat out tell her that the lack of respect for your feelings and lack of trust at this point has made you decide to put off the wedding date.

[Sal Paradise]

I think its time for some tough love. Tell her this crap stops or your gone. Probably better off just breaking up with her. You don't trust her and she does things to make you not trust her. Its a no way situation that will eventually blow up in your face if she doesn't cut this crap out.

[mental_traveller]

Originally posted by billybadass36

Isn't this the kind of story that repeatedly shows up in the infidelity thread, though? "Opportunity breeds infidelity" is the theme over there. Does that make me hyper-vigilant in this situation? Am I overreacting like AFOTW suggests? Do I chill out? Is it me or is it her? Is it just both of us? Am I retarded for marrying this woman?

 

I think part of the problem is that I know nothing's going on, yet I'm obsessing on the fact that she didn't call me Sat. night. Am I obsessing about it b/c I should be pissed about it, or am I obsessing about it because I'm convinced that "I'm right" and "I deserved a phone call" and "She's disrespecting me by not calling me"??? Who the hell knows. I do know I'm going to get fricking sued for malpractice if I don't get this brief done.

 

Have you told her about these feelings? If you have, then her behaviour is a huge red flag. If you haven't, then she may simply not appreciate what impact it has on you. But that's still a bad sign - she doesn't understand you, yet you are getting married in 2 months.

 

Also, it's obvious that you have doubts and trust issues. You can't get married to someone you don't trust. Personally I think you should have laid down the law a long time ago. But now is as good a time as any - call off the wedding for now, tell her this behaviour stops and never happens again or you are out of there. Then have a trial period of say 6 months, if she changes for good and stays that way, then you can consider going back. If not then split.

[Mz. Pixie]

You know, my husbands ex wife got pregnant by another guy while she was married to him so he had some trust issues when we started dating.

 

Know how I aleviated those? I called when I said I would, I was home when I said I would be, things like that. He never had to wonder what I was up to while he was working or out of town which was a particularly hard thing for him to deal with because his exwife had cheated while he was working a second job.

 

If he told me that me talking to some guy made him uncomfortable unless it was a extremely close family friend I would cease all contact with that person.(I do have one guy friend I've known since jr. high- it would be hard to cut off all contact with him) I would do this out of respect for his feelings, because I adore him. This is a guy she dated, not someone who was nothing more than a friend! The mere fact that you've discussed this with her more than once and she just blows you off is beyond me. I can't imagine. All you asked for was a quick call to let you know things were okay so that you wouldn't get paranoid and she didn't even give it to you. That tells me she didn't care if you were paranoid. I have slipped into the bathroom or out in the hall to call my man when I said I would.