How to deal with a friend that is using you?

[AJ27k]

I have a friend, she friendzoned me when we first met. And I was fine with it since at the time I really wasn't in to her and was pursuing another girl who I ended up dating for awhile.

 

Its one of those friendships that just kind of got stronger over the years. It started we'd text on and off, occasionally we'd meet out. Didn't matter is one of us was dating, its kind of like it was just established we're friends.

 

It turned into sharing very personal stuff, talking alot and hanging out alot. Then before you know it, if she needed help with something, I was her go to. And I would do the same, if I needed help, I went to her first. So naturally it became each others closest friends. There was a period where right after a breakup, she was there for me and because my emotions were screwed up, I started to cross the line of just friends. Nothing physical like sex or anything like that, but just leaning on her way more than I should have. I think she knew and just tolerated it. But I did eventually snap out of that. And really its been just friends and that few week period never brought up by either of us.

 

For a little more than a year, it turned into her never being around when I needed help or someone to talk to/vent/get advice from. But man if she needed any of that, I'd get spammed with texts and calls. We almost never talk or hang out unless she needs something or its directly towards her. I've just passively tolerated it. I just feel like I am being used.

 

So last few times I asked to meet up or asked for help, I got the too busy line. And I called her out each time, she basically got upset and argued about it. She claimed she wasn't and goes into I have done so much for you etc. The last one we didn't talk for almost a month. Then out of the blue I got a phone call asking if I could take her to the doctor's because she couldn't drive home after the procedure, no mention of the past argument that resulted in a month of silence. I wanted to just say No, but I didn't have it in me to because it was a medical thing and I helped her out. Didn't bring up anything, just tried to be a good friend since she was real nervous over it and feeling pretty sick.

 

And that's the thing, I don't want to just end the friendship. But I can't get through to her that its one-sided and she's being selfish. I feel its time maybe I just move on from it. Another issue is she is good friends now with much of my family and close friends, so it complicates me just trying to walk away from it.

[preraph]

Well, you've already talked to her about it, and she doesn't admit the problem and turned right back around and used you for her convenience again, so not sure what her particular allure as a friend to you is.

[AJ27k]

Well, you've already talked to her about it, and she doesn't admit the problem and turned right back around and used you for her convenience again, so not sure what her particular allure as a friend to you is.

 

Honestly I don't know exactly. Maybe its because she has just been in my life so long as a close friend, its like she is family if that makes sense? I am 28 and we actually first met at 18. We became real close at 22 and its been that way until right around the time of my 27th birthday.

 

Maybe I am on some level attracted to her but know its friends but am willing to tolerate her behavior more as a result. I've thought about that at least recently.

 

And as I said, even if I tried to just end things, I'll still see her a handful of times when I meet up with friends. She has even become super close to a cousin and my youngest sister, so she is probably is at one or two family events a year. So I'll still see her a few times a year at the very least whether I like it or not.

 

I am in the midst of dating too after breaking off an almost year relationship, and selflessly she's got a few single friends that I am interested in and I don't want to cause a meltdown style argument with her. It will screw up my chances with them. She may be acting selfish and using me, but if one of them asked her about me after me expressing interest in them, she would talk highly of me.

 

I almost sent a text last week saying, you know I love you like a sister, but things haven't been right for awhile. We need to talk in person about this.

Edited May 20, 2017 by AJ27k

[d0nnivain]

Keep on being friends with her but next time she needs a favor become too busy to help her. What's good for the goose . . .

[AJ27k]

Keep on being friends with her but next time she needs a favor become too busy to help her. What's good for the goose . . .

 

Assuming its not something serious like a medical related thing, I am going to tell her I can't, too busy. I hate playing games like that but I've been vocal about this issue and its ignored or she is very defensive, so I think outside of just completely walking away from the friendship, that is really all I have left to response by.

[preraph]

When telling someone no you're too busy, it's very important to never offer detail what you're too busy with. Just Oh, sorry, I already have plans. Keep it vague and get off the phone before they can ask. If they ask, still be vague: I have to do a bunch of stuff that day, or, I'm in the middle of something. She, being who she is, will likely take the attitude that whatever you're doing isn't as important as satisfying her, but you just stand firm and say "Sorry, already got plans. " The good thing is if she is only texting, you can ignore a follow up text asking what you're too busy doing. But if it's on the phone, you say, Hey, sorry, but I've got to run. I'm right in the middle of something" or "Someone's at my door."

[AJ27k]

When telling someone no you're too busy, it's very important to never offer detail what you're too busy with. Just Oh, sorry, I already have plans. Keep it vague and get off the phone before they can ask. If they ask, still be vague: I have to do a bunch of stuff that day, or, I'm in the middle of something. She, being who she is, will likely take the attitude that whatever you're doing isn't as important as satisfying her, but you just stand firm and say "Sorry, already got plans. " The good thing is if she is only texting, you can ignore a follow up text asking what you're too busy doing. But if it's on the phone, you say, Hey, sorry, but I've got to run. I'm right in the middle of something" or "Someone's at my door."

 

Thank you for the advice and ways to be vague about it! Its about a 50/50 chance between her calling me or texting me. But you are 100% right, I need to just be not go into why I am busy and shut down the chance to go in detail.

 

I do really want the friendship to go back to normal, I can't really figure out what happened a year ago that lead this to being so one-sided and get to this point. People get into funks, so if it was just a few months, I'd let it slide but its been going on too long, I have to pull back now.

 

This could take some time to actually resolve or it may just result in the end of the friendship. I'll update this thread with how this plays out whenever that may be

[preraph]

She may have lost respect for you. If you let friends walk all over you and treat you crappy, they actually have the nerve to lose respect for you even though all you're doing is trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. Hope it works out. Turn her favor she asks down and then in a couple weeks, ask her to go do something fun, but if she strings you alone, again, tell her you made other plans since you didn't hear from her or whatever. Reward her when and if she treats you right. Reward the good behavior to encourage that, but not by doing her favors.

[AJ27k]

She may have lost respect for you. If you let friends walk all over you and treat you crappy, they actually have the nerve to lose respect for you even though all you're doing is trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. Hope it works out. Turn her favor she asks down and then in a couple weeks, ask her to go do something fun, but if she strings you alone, again, tell her you made other plans since you didn't hear from her or whatever. Reward her when and if she treats you right. Reward the good behavior to encourage that, but not by doing her favors.

 

Its ridiculous someone could lose respect for you, but it does kind of make sense a little. Its a little aggravating if that is the case as I have sacrificed my time and even pulled out of plans a few times to help her out this past year, and she knows I did too. Its not like I stop everything just to help her, but I did adjust my schedule or miss out a few times to do her a favor or help her this past year. That won't be happening until things are back to normal. Its funny you mention do something fun because that hasn't happened in over a year either.

 

The reward for good behavior is smart, I'll take that approach. Basically I am only going to put in as much effort/time as she does. I've done my fair share the past year, its time for her to step up. I hope it works too. There really only are a handful of people I trust without questioning or worry, she was one of those people, hate to lose someone from the group of people, but I'm prepared to move on if nothing changes.

[ChanSummary]

Hi,

 

Perhaps you could ask her directly why she's doing that to you, and you could also tell her how you really feel.

[elaine567]

There was a period where right after a breakup, she was there for me and because my emotions were screwed up, I started to cross the line of just friends. Nothing physical like sex or anything like that, but just leaning on her way more than I should have. I think she knew and just tolerated it. But I did eventually snap out of that. And really its been just friends and that few week period never brought up by either of us.

 

For a little more than a year, it turned into her never being around when I needed help or someone to talk to/vent/get advice from.

 

When you needed help you started to cross the line and so I guess she now doesn't want to get involved with your problems as she knows where it will probably go again. When you were weak and vulnerable you overstepped the friend boundary, so she now doesn't want to get herself into that position again.

[preraph]

I reread your original post about how she's now tight with your family and I think it gave me a little more perspective. I think now she thinks of you like family, people you lean on but don't go out of your way to please because you think they'll always be there out of familial obligation.

 

I wouldn't refuse to take someone to the doctor unless I knew they had closer family and friends to do it instead. A friend asked me to take her mom to the doctor last year or two and I said sure, but I said it would have to be in the afternoon sometime. Well, she calls back and says her mom made the appointment for 8:30 in the morning. Now I have two jobs and the morning one is in an office, but I work at home afternoons so I'm much more flexible. So I didn't like that her mom wasn't even willing to make the appointment at a time convenient to me, so I said, Sorry, no, I'll be working in the office, but in the future if she needs me to take her, she needs to make the appointment in the afternoon. When people are asking you for favors they should bend a little for that.