An observation about asking for dating tips

[CoolJoe]

Have you ever noticed when you meet the right person it just clicks and you don't have to ask your friends or strangers on an internet forum "what should I do next?" I feel those are the relationships that tend to last or at the very least lead to something meaningful rather than a short fling.

 

When two people like each other mutually, it just flows like a smooth stream. There is no worrying about whether or not to send a text or whether saying X or Y would be OK. You're just yourself and everything clicks.

 

I enjoy reading the dating forum but a lot of the threads make me concerned for the posters asking such simple questions. If it doesn't flow naturally, odds are very low it will lead to something meaningful. Or maybe it does, I don't know, this is just my observation based on my own life. When I have to call my buddies dissecting a situation it never works out with the girl. But when it clicks and I'm doing it all on my own, it just happens. When a girl likes you, she will invite you in and make it really easy for you. All you have to do is walk through.

 

If you have to ask yourself if she likes you or not then she probably doesn't. Or at least her interest level is not high enough for you to pursue. We should only pursue those who are into us just as much.

[d0nnivain]

If that was true, I wouldn't be married to my husband.

 

 

On a forum like this, though, everybody would have told me not to bother.

 

 

We had a 1st date which I wasn't even sure was a date. We'd met at a business function & based on the day of the week / time / location of the date, I was a bit concerned that it was a business meeting not a date. I was uncharacteristically nervous & ended up babbling (talking too much). Upon meeting him I thought DH was a player & I was looking forward to a great date & all the whirlwind that comes from dating a very smooth guy. DH was the opposite. So when the reality didn't match the perception I was very confused.

 

 

DH did not kiss me goodnight after our date & I was devastated. I ran to a local bar where a friend of mine was tending bar & sobbed in my buddy's arms. He kept telling me I was wrong & DH was interested in me romantically. (Bless him; my buddy waited until the middle of our wedding reception to tell me 'I told you so')

 

 

I've told the story a lot here on LS. DH finally kissed me on our 4th date. I had been fully prepared to break up with him that night because I was convinced there was no attraction on his part.

 

 

Once we got past that it was easier & mostly smooth sailing.

 

 

However, forums like this are also nice because then you don't burden your friends & family with negative opinions of your SO. Sometimes the people close to you don't forgive as fully as you do after a fight with your SO. They want to protect you & then they are in a weird space when you forgive & reconcile.

[Redhead14]

It's situational, I'd say. But, I'd also say, that when you start questioning and asking for advice, it just means that you really like that person and don't want to make a misstep, etc. But very often, it also means the person is stressing, overthinking, not focused, not really being themselves and that's what causes things to go "downhill". That vibe comes across in ways they don't even realize.

 

So, I do agree, that when it's happening naturally, effortlessly, there's more potential at least.

 

Yeah, everyone who really likes someone will do a little bit of questioning in the beginning, but it subsides fairly quickly if the person is truly a confident, secure person and the dating partner is really right for them and making them feel comfortable about the dating scenario.

 

In general, if you can relax and focus, be in the moment and evaluating objectively and you're making each other comfortable, it gives the pair much more potential for developing the relationship.

 

A good fisherman is patient and doesn't get overly excited when he gets one on the hook. He's patient, knows when to set the hook, calmly reels it in and has his net ready He doesn't start screaming and slipping on the bank of the river, asking his fishing buddy for advice. He knows how to do it. And, if the fish gets away, he say's "oh, damn" and throws his line back in the water.

Edited May 21, 2017 by Redhead14

[jjgitties]

Yeah. I think I sort of know what you mean. There are people where there is something there right from the start and its hard to describe. A sort of feeling of familiarity and comfort and a feeling like you have known them a long time and are close to them right from the get go.

 

But that's not always the case. Usually there are complications between two people that like each other and there are issues in the beginning. Your own mind and your experiences in LTR's plays tricks on you and you run the risk of totally blowing up a potential LTR because of it.

[preraph]

I do agree with CoolJoe that when someone is motivated enough to seek advice here, it generally means they are insecure in whatever situation it is and do have a problem. A lot of people come here looking for validation that some little bitty thing from a person means they like them to try to validate their fixation on the person, and in a situation like that, if you have to ask, the other person isn't all in or you wouldn't have to ask. So I agree about that.

 

Then there's the other huge group of people too paralyzed with anxiety to function social to some degree, enough to date, and they're terrified because the thought has occurred to them that they will be unable to find another person who's attracted to that without being social or wanting to get out much. They're hoping someone will say, well, sure, someday someone will just fall out of the sky onto your lap and love you for who you are.

 

So after years here, I will be the first to admit, especially in love questions, that if you have to ask if there's a problem, yes, there's a problem, and that usually the answer is going to involve opening your eyes and not accepting less than you need, rather than hoping the other person will change.

[somanymistakes]

Remember that some posters are brand new to the dating world and in need of reassurance.

 

Others may be recent transplants into new cultures where they have no idea how to read the signs of casual interaction.

 

And of course some folks are socially awkward for personality or disability reasons and need help with things that you might find obvious.