It's all my fault but I don't know why

[sickoflove11]

Recently I've just felt so alone, and I'm pretty sure it's all my fault. I'm a female in my 20's and I thought I had made some new friendships that might actually last, but I don't seem to bond with these girls much. It just seems like a waste of effort and I really have nothing to add to their conversations (mostly over social media). And they really don't include me in anything over social media either like they do with each other.

 

I just eventually grow tired of people and I'm sure a lot of it is my fault. I'm not a huge communication initiator, so friends that don't live close by, I hardly ever reach out to. I'm sure this makes them feel like they have to do all the work and then they just stop. Which doesn't bother me enough to do anything about it. I feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life and in a way I have accepted it.

I close off all feelings romantically. Anyone that tries to flirt or hit on me, I shut down because I get so nervous and red in the face I just want to hide. I hate dating apps, I just want to meet someone naturally, but I am always so closed off. I have also accepted being single for the majority if not the rest of my life.

 

I used to be so comfortable in social settings and didn't have any of these problems and then suddenly, about a year ago, I just wanted nothing to do with deep personal relationships. I felt very defeated and small. Maybe my self-esteem went down? I have no clue. I would like 1 or 2 girlfriends I could tell anything too, but then I'm afraid of ruining that friendship also.

 

I just know something must be wrong with me. Maybe it's the things I say? I'm not very sensitive to others, but most people describe me as "the nice one" cause I try not to make waves and just keep everyone happy. Many times I leave social situations wondering if I said anything wrong or if people are going to be talking behind my back later. People are so hurtful to one another in the world and I wish we could all be more kind to each other.

 

I'm not sure if anyone can relate or if I should see a therapist or psychiatrist idk which, honestly I'm feeling so lost.

[todreaminblue]

you arent alone ...introverts often are lonely but we certainly or more often than not, arent alone....

 

 

i tend to hermitize myself too....because in large social gatherings or dealing with people drains me.....so i need serious alone time....and when i am in hermit mode it feels weird if i reach out.....i have to though becaus ei know my family get upset if they have to call me all the time....with my friends i dont like to impose....and when i call ...i can actually chat for a long time....i dont have a problem in the conversation department....and i know i can keep people on the phoen longer than they want to be and i get anxious that they blame me fro that.....

 

its like when friends come to my place....my best friend once said to me my place is like a black hole time just disappears hours go by really fast.....talking to me....time flies....and i feel sometimes people get sick of me.....im morelikely to wait for people to call me....i dont want to be that needy friend everyone rolls their eyes at........so i exile myself i guess....sounds like that is what you do..it is a self confidence esteem thing i feel.....but in that....

 

my true friends accept me for who i am ....they know ill retreat sometimes but i think of them every day....and they dont mind calling me ....to see how im travelling...one friend said to me debs dont ever worry .....we could not talk for a year and then talk again ...you will always be my friend..(she knows i live with metnal illness and it gets bad for me)...it will be the same friendship like we never stopped talking is what she told me.......she is beautiful.....

having friends who understand who you are and that it isnt laziness or lack of effort or anything like that.....true friends will stay by your side even when you arent there or talking........and if one of those friends needed you...i am sure you would be there for them too...i have a friend who doesnt answer me at all ...but if he needed me or talked to me i am hsi friend...regardless of how many times he has ignored me.....or not replied....i get hurt and i distance myself but if he needed me or started talking i wouldnt bring anything up.... i woudl just be his friend again.....

 

if you have lost contact with friends you truly love..reconnect...you might be surprised by how they reply....and if you havent met those friends yet....try joining something you love a group or volunteer some where where you have a passion and meet like minded souls one day a week...not all the time but push yourself out a little at a time.....and ill pray for you.....hugs...deb

Edited May 21, 2017 by todreaminblue

[d0nnivain]

I think you are lying to yourself. You say you don't want anything to do with people & that you don't want to make the effort but then you post here about how upset you are that you are excluded. Both of those can't be true. I think you constructed the "I don't care" lie to soothe your hurt feelings. Instead of trying to play it off, reach out. If you make the effort to be a good friend, you will be rewarded with more friends.

[sickoflove11]

you arent alone ...introverts often are lonely but we certainly or more often than not, arent alone....

 

 

i tend to hermitize myself too....because in large social gatherings or dealing with people drains me.....so i need serious alone time....and when i am in hermit mode it feels weird if i reach out.....i have to though becaus ei know my family get upset if they have to call me all the time....with my friends i dont like to impose....and when i call ...i can actually chat for a long time....i dont have a problem in the conversation department....and i know i can keep people on the phoen longer than they want to be and i get anxious that they blame me fro that.....

 

its like when friends come to my place....my best friend once said to me my place is like a black hole time just disappears hours go by really fast.....talking to me....time flies....and i feel sometimes people get sick of me.....im morelikely to wait for people to call me....i dont want to be that needy friend everyone rolls their eyes at........so i exile myself i guess....sounds like that is what you do..it is a self confidence esteem thing i feel.....but in that....

 

my true friends accept me for who i am ....they know ill retreat sometimes but i think of them every day....and they dont mind calling me ....to see how im travelling...one friend said to me debs dont ever worry .....we could not talk for a year and then talk again ...you will always be my friend..(she knows i live with metnal illness and it gets bad for me)...it will be the same friendship like we never stopped talking is what she told me.......she is beautiful.....

having friends who understand who you are and that it isnt laziness or lack of effort or anything like that.....true friends will stay by your side even when you arent there or talking........and if one of those friends needed you...i am sure you would be there for them too...i have a friend who doesnt answer me at all ...but if he needed me or talked to me i am hsi friend...regardless of how many times he has ignored me.....or not replied....i get hurt and i distance myself but if he needed me or started talking i wouldnt bring anything up.... i woudl just be his friend again.....

 

if you have lost contact with friends you truly love..reconnect...you might be surprised by how they reply....and if you havent met those friends yet....try joining something you love a group or volunteer some where where you have a passion and meet like minded souls one day a week...not all the time but push yourself out a little at a time.....and ill pray for you.....hugs...deb

 

 

Wow. Everything you said is exactly spot on. I definitely do hermitize myself and that is exactly how I feel about reaching out to people. I never want to be a bother and I am perfectly content being a hermit much of the time. I just let other people live their lives and I don't want to impose.

Also like you said, when a friend does call me, I can talk to her for ever. I'll stop what I'm doing to talk to them and they are usually the ones that end the conversation.

When you said you keep people longer in conversations than they want to be and it makes you anxious, THAT IS SO ME. After the conversation I feel like I was too much or they won't want to talk to me again because I talk too much.

 

I wish I had more true friends like you. With school and work right now I don't have the time/energy to reach out and join other groups. So I know that is my own fault. I also feel like I push people away somehow and isolate myself so I'm not sure what's wrong with me there. I know I would always be there for an old friend if they ever needed me years later. I'm just not sure if other's feel the same way about me.

I am so happy that you have people in your life that understand you and are true. I hope there is still time for me to find people like that.

Thank you for your words of support they truly mean a lot.

[preraph]

I think a psychologist might be just the thing to not only fill the gap of having someone to talk to but to find out why you are not contributing to the friendships you already have around you.

[sickoflove11]

I think you are lying to yourself. You say you don't want anything to do with people & that you don't want to make the effort but then you post here about how upset you are that you are excluded. Both of those can't be true. I think you constructed the "I don't care" lie to soothe your hurt feelings. Instead of trying to play it off, reach out. If you make the effort to be a good friend, you will be rewarded with more friends.

 

I am not lying to myself, I am conflicted. I did not say either of those things in that context, and I'm not upset that I am excluded. I was simply stating facts. I think you misinterpreted my entire post. Thanks anyways.

[sickoflove11]

Thank you Preraph. I didn't know if I was just alone in this issue, or who to turn to if anyone at all. My physician is useless and I've seen a psychologist and feel like its completely pointless. I try to deal with this on my own but I don't know how. It seems silly that I don't know how to be a friend as I've had many in my life. But now I feel so different and I can't understand why.

[todreaminblue]

Thank you Preraph. I didn't know if I was just alone in this issue, or who to turn to if anyone at all. My physician is useless and I've seen a psychologist and feel like its completely pointless. I try to deal with this on my own but I don't know how. It seems silly that I don't know how to be a friend as I've had many in my life. But now I feel so different and I can't understand why.

 

it has been quoted that to eb a true friend is you must know what its like to have none.....to have no one....because then you truly appreciate true friendship....you are in a place to start to be a true friend to many.....dotn ptu expectations on havign a friend....just try....to get out there....be vulnerable and remember what its like to be lonely....then reach out to others you see that trait in.....because they too....are looking for you..you will probably find...that you become a magnet for people looking for true friendship and fellowship...xo..i know this to be true...because i am a magnet for people needing that..its a mutual thing..i am attracted to them they are attracted to me.......deb