Rocky 9 year relationship - She wants marriage

[vee123]

I have a few old threads that I can't post in so I'm going to get the main parts across from them.

 

December 2015 Post main points.

 

I'm 34 and my gf is 30. I'll give a quick brief overview. We have been together for 7 years. We've been having problems in general, not all the time but when we argue it leads to her implying that the relationship is over. During these sorts of periods my gf would be very disrespectful, using any below the belt comments she can use or focusing on any insecurities that she may think would hurt me. When my girlfriend is nice things are good but when she gets angry she goes to another extreme, of course I can do things to upset her but I don't agree with always feeling like we have broken up and say that we can argue. I know you don't judge people by there friends but all her friends are single, promiscuous and do class A drugs (she does when she parties with them, not as much as she used to as one of the main girls moved). I'm not into drugs. Anyway I'm getting off track.

 

I thought after our last row we were broken up (quite a regular feeling) and we didn't contact each other for a month, this time I said to myself that I'm going to try and move on, rather than being upset and feeling like my gf don't respect me or really want to be with me. I was still upset obviously but was thinking I don't want to continue like this, and I ain't getting any younger.

 

With my gf I'm not ready for marriage or kids with her, I feel that because of our arguments and constant breakups that trust levels need to be built back up before we reach that stage. When we have broken up in the past she has withheld items I have at her house, threatened to smash up my stuff and threaten to call the police if I try to collect my stuff when we had breakups. But now we are back together everything is good right now, but it usually is when we get back together and she has agreed that she won't breakup with me when we have a argument (she has agreed to that before though, so we shall see).

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by lolablue17 View Post

What do you know about your Gf during the month of NC? She may has slept with other guys. Did you ask her? Do you believe her?

 

If she did, why don't you give the new girl a chance and only if it fails, you can consider your ex option. That will put you both as a second choice of each other...

my gf claims that she didn't get up to anything during NC. But I think she would claim this anyway, long ago my gf used to claim she didn't dance with guys when she went out and would speak bad about girls who had bf's who did, well her friend stored some stuff at her house and I think on purpose left pictures on top of a box which contained more than one picture of my gf grinding on some guy and smiling/laughing. My gf not knowing I had seen them, when I asked if she ever grinds or dances with guys, easily and convincingly claimed she didn't, until I bought 1 picture up, she said it was just a quick pic, then I bought up the other and then she said, oh it was the first time I went out with a new girl and her other friends that did mdma and coke, she mentioned mdma after a while because I guess she couldn't hide it all, but I didn't find out about the coke until about a year ago because her friends didn't want to have to hide doing it in my presence when they were planning a night out. My gf about a year ago also made the same claims when I found she was on dating websites in her computer history, denied it until I provided evidence and then brushed it off.

 

 

July 2016 Post

 

I ended up staying with the ltr ex/gf. she had a falling out with some of those promiscuous girls doing drugs I didn't like her hanging out with, that helped a little too. We would still have the odd small fights/or cold shoulder now and then but nothing too major. In general there were a few things each of us were not happy about, she would complain that I haven't taken her on holiday (my excuse, could be considered a poor one, is that I've been in education since 2010 and working p/t and believe that she should contribute towards it, plus I never feel secure enough that we won't break up which encourages my reluctance to fully pay to go abroad) Another thing she complains about is me not moving in with her and paying half the bills, rent etc (my reason for this is, she has shown me many times how she behaves when we have arguments that she is willing to kick me out, withhold my items, threaten to smash them and to call the police if I attempt to get my things back on various occasions, if my life was in her hands I could be homeless lol she say's I have to give her a chance).

 

She had a brother stay at her house for around 2 months to help him out, they introduced parking controls on her road so I can't park outside her house (permit required). We came a bit more distant, when her brother left she wanted me back all the time but parking was not easy as there is one road you can park but the spaces are always taken so I would go home some times.

 

She got back speaking to her friends again. The friend booked a holiday for her to go to Greece with her (she's the main one who sleeps about let me call her Kat—not real name-- and does drugs every weekend, one of the holidays she went to last year she slept with x amount of guys and so did the other girl she went with, who slept with atleast 3 guys and got pregnant and didn't know who the father would be or what colour the baby was even going to be so had an abortion) I remember my gf lasy year also telling me when Kat went on holiday with one of male FWB she was phoning my gf saying there’s loads of buffs guys out here, it’s like they have been working out all year to get their bodies like this, etc. Anyway this holiday was apparently booked and paid for by Kat, but I think my gf will pay for food etc. I asked my gf where they were going, she would say “Greece” I ask wher she would say “I don’t know”. My gf put Kat on the phone one time and I asked where they were going and she told me a place, that I knew was a party location but I forgot the name afterwards. My gf would just say Greece.

 

My birthday is in June, she was mentioning her birthday which is a 2 months away at the time, she has forgotten my birthday in the past and sometimes I get depressed on my birthday as everybody forgets and I don’t like to have to make people remember or call friend out of the blue and ask them out. I said maybe we can go away a weekend around my birthday she didn’t like this idea (well I kind of had a bit of bad intention behind it, I say bit because I would like to go on holiday with her and the second reason was if we go on holiday together before she goes with her friend hopefully she have a good time with me and have less money to spend out there with Kat, as I’m thinking they’re going to buy drugs, excursions etc… Anyway she wasn’t happy with this and we had a little argument that day.

The week of my birthday which is 3-4 weeks before her holiday with Kat. She asked me to do something for her the day before and I was supposed to stay at her house as a worker was coming (I hadn’t been really staying at her house much since her brother was there and after he left) but when I did sometimes I couldn’t sleep and would go to work tired. I think we both couldn’t sleep and she was giving me the cold shoulder for some reason, so we both in bed can’t sleep and silent. After 1 hour or more I said if I can’t sleep I’m going to have to go home. She said angrily “go on then, GO GO! A few times, so I got up and left. I phoned her the next day and she hung up on me.

 

On my birthday I didn’t hear from her she sent me a card that had the message “have a good day” “from ‘her name’”. I felt very offended by this and said to myself if she doesn’t contact me before she goes on holiday I will have to cut her off and I can imagine what she may get up to. 3-4 weeks go by.. NC, think she went on holiday with Kat at some stage she blocked me on whatsapp as I used to see if she changed her pic(wondering about holiday). Anyway it’s now about 3 weeks since her holiday. I saw an old friend with another friend that I ain’t seen in a while, he don’t know the whole story about me and my gf but I told him the gist of it (never told him everything though) and he was like maybe you should speak to her. A day or so later I thought I’ll go to her house and just pop up and see her and ask her if she has slept with anybody or got sexual with anybody. I wanted to pop up by surprise when she wasn’t expecting me as if she has been sexual with somebody that’s really my CUT of point, with the surprise visit if she wanted to work things out I wanted to ask her about this and if she was speaking to any new guys, I didn’t want her to have an opportunity to delete her messages etc. anyway I knocked at her house and she wouldn’t open the door, I knocked a few times and called her phone when she wouldn’t answer. She was there as her light was on and window slightly open. I walked away and said to myself this is the end I should not have even came here, I will not contact again.

 

A week later she has messaged me saying she is hurt emotionally and psychologically and she wasn’t ready to face me when I went around there… and after the amount of time together she feels I need an explanation. I responded after a few hours and she said I’m assuming you came for a chat would you like to go for a drink tomorrow or Saturday. I said okay. Now, I want to know how is the best way to find out if she did anything sexual with somebody when she went on holiday. I know I’m probably stupid for trying to find out as she would probably lie anyway (and she’s a good liar) but maybe she will be truthful if she don’t want to be with me. It really hurts me to think of her being with somebody else as I really can’t tolerate that even if I wanted to be with her.

[vee123]

May 2017 Post

 

Okay, this is a continuation of my gf situation.

 

We got back together, she claimed to not have done anything on holiday, whilst on a break. We were together until November/going into December, she wanted to call it off because we had talked about me moving in to hers and trialing living together soon. My mum became sick and was hospitalized late November. My mum was there for about a week and a half. I visited her with my gf, during the visit my gf said that I would be moving in with her, and I jokingly/sarcastically commented under duress as I didn't think it was appropriate to tell my mum while she was sick. After that my gf had the hump with me and when we left we didn't talk on the journey home. We spoke on the phone and I explained the comment, I think it was implied by her mannerism we were broken up.

 

A few days later my mum passed away, which was unexpected and sudden as she was due out in a few days and was only in her fifties. I tried to phone the gf on the night from the hospital no answer. When I went home I had the worse heartbreak ever and felt like I could die in my sleep.

 

When my gf found out she came to comfort me and we seemed okay, but after a week or so she said this don't change things, Christmas was coming up and she said we are adults we can spend Christmas together with my siblings and act like everything is alright. I said I'll rather not if we are broken up, think she said the same sort thing again. She spent Christmas with us, I was also having problems with a brother at this time who wanted to fight over money.

 

My mums funeral was in January, she was there but even though she attended I barely saw her, I had a few people coming up to me saying "I met your gf, she's a lovely girl" etc, but I can truly say I only saw her a handful of times and when I did, she didn't say much. The same at the wake afterwards. I cannot recall her comforting me. The most we talked is when she asked me to collect her mum from the train station with her.

 

I think she stayed in contact for another week or 2 as one of my sisters was having a baby shower and she said we can still be friends but can't be together. A few days after the shower we got into words as we started taking indirect shots at each other as she was saying things like you won't find a girl with her own house, when she gets married and has kids with not me... and me responding to these things and leaving.

 

Then she went into beef mode by text later saying all sorts of stuff like I hope your brother ****s you up, you need to beg you mum for forgiveness and all this hurtful sort of stuff. That was it for me I didn't contact her after that.

 

Now 4 months later, we seen each other on a dating website. I tried to block her as I didn't want to speak to her but it said I viewed her, even though I blocked her. She contacted through phone message. We ended up communicating again, she says she want's commitment, me to move in, marriage and then kids.

 

She asked if I seen anybody while we were on a break, I told her I saw somebody. She claims she ain't been with anybody and that she used the dating site on 2 separate days... but from that she seems to have given a number out to quite a few guys...she has indecent proposals from guys about going down on her, even a guy sending videos of him doing it to others. Anyway she said take some time to think what I want to do as she wants marriage at the end of the day if we continue this relationship.

 

We didn't speak for 1-2 weeks NC, she messaged me and said we should stay in contact more, I say cool. So I popped up at her house on the weekend. I see she has still been messaging these guys, the one with the video moved up to wanking videos and trying to set meetups, another sending dick pics and a few others. She say's well we're not back together yet and I haven't slept with anybody, you have and that she's doing it for entertainment. she says she has no problem deleting everything if we've going to be getting back together / married.

[ExpatInItaly]

You would be insane to get married.

 

This relationship died a long time ago. You are both fooling yourselves if you think marrying each other is a bright idea.

[vee123]

You would be insane to get married.

 

This relationship died a long time ago. You are both fooling yourselves if you think marrying each other is a bright idea.

 

Yeah it may have, I'm not sure. I'm confused to be honest.

 

I'm not really down with marriage at all, and told her this when we first started talking again, but still have feelings for her and don't mind seeing how it goes... but she's adamant that she wants to get married and that that's something shes always wanted to do.

 

She says things will be different if we are living together, as I'll be helping out with regards to rent and other bills which will make things easier for her, instead of just contributing towards gas, electric and food as I was in the past.

 

I've bought up my concerns about our/my past experiences (kicked out/breakups) but I guess she claims that she was doing this out of frustration out of us not moving forward commitment wise.

 

I said that maybe we'll trial me living at hers to see how it goes, and what happens if we get into an argument.

[ExpatInItaly]

What is it that attracts you to this level of dysfunction?

[springy]

You can't get along separately, but you think moving in with her is a good idea? I think if you marry this woman you will rue the day. It's already an unhealthy relationship. She wants to get married, you don't. It's been 7 years...