What surprised you about marriage / being married?

[usernameisvalid]

I'm still surprised by how protective I feel about my marriage and my spouse. I try to be very careful about saying anything negative, not because I want to paint some picture of perfection but because complaining to others feels disrespectful and useless, for the most part. Also, as someone who, for much of adulthood, never particularly cared to be married, I'm surprised that I do feel more committed now that I'm married.

 

Anyway, I just got to wondering what, if anything, surprised other people about marriage, whether it's something about being married or something about yourself or your partner now that you're married.

[d0nnivain]

I was surprised & confused by how hard the first year was. I married later in life & had to learn how to be part of team. I assumed because we were more mature & made the decision to marry based on love & logic, that things would simply click but there was more of an adjustment then I expected & a steep learning curve to navigate the differences in families & philosophies. I still don't always "get" how & why his family does certain things but now I have learned to expect that things will be different then the way I'm used to. Doesn't make one way right or wrong (most of the time -- I'm still pretty opinioned lol) just different.

[Woggle]

How good my second marriage was after the trainwreck that was the first.

[jjgitties]

I am surprised by how unhappy one can be in a marriage that seems to be working on the surface. By that I mean there are no issues like cheating, violence, fighting, drugs e.t.c that may cause unhappiness. Its just unhappiness with being with the other person.

 

I remember when I was in my 20s and single and I would look at other people that were older and married with kids and a house and I would think to myself, Wow, it's amazing how they managed to get it all figured out and how stable their life is. No relationship drama, no psycho girlfriends, no games, no stringing along.. Just a happy life with two kids, two cars and a house. When will I ever have that?

 

Here I am 20 years later and I have that and I am unhappy most of the time. I stay late at work every day because I want to minimize the amount of time I have to interact with my wife and be around her. All she ever talks about is the house, other peoples houses, the kids, their activities, and schedule on the weekends. Never talks about us or emotions and is always too tied for intimacy. It's always too late or always not a good time. I keep sane by distracting myself by working on stuff around the house or going out running. I dread the home time and I dread the weekends because it means I have to spend more time interacting with her and listening to her.

Edited May 21, 2017 by jjgitties

[somanymistakes]

why are you married, then, if you're so unhappy?

[dichotomy]

People are flawed and hurt you no matter what.

 

That people are more honest and true with people that they dont love or need as much.

 

That we assume the other person shares OUR meanings and values. What is love ? What is sex? Is sex important ? What is cheating? what roles and needs are important ? and so on.

 

My wife and I took a church sponsored 3 month course and at the end - a 150 question test - there was NOTHING about cheating, past relationships, and practically nothing about sex discussed or asked.

 

That monogamy is hard for many people - and I dont just mean not cheating - but staying intimate.

 

There will not be another marriage for me - ever, but if there was I would not assume anything and layout my feelings, beliefs, views, wants, needs, on EVERYTHING with a potential spouse. I assumed too much.

Edited May 21, 2017 by dichotomy

[mightycpa]

All she ever talks about is the house, other peoples houses, the kids, their activities, and schedule on the weekends. Never talks about us or emotions and is always too tied for intimacy. It's always too late or always not a good time.

Well, what you need to do is gather the family together, tell the kids

I want you to go play quietly in the yard. I'm going to make love to your mother.

Women love that stuff.

[AMarriedMan]

why are you married, then, if you're so unhappy?

 

That's always a good question. I think many people remain in unhappy marriages because of the kids whose lives would be greatly disrupted by their parents divorcing. Or they may think that the unhappiness is temporary.

 

In answer to that, divorced people will chime in and say that the kids will adjust and that everybody will have better life quality for it. The truth is, however, that it depends on the specific details of each case.

 

If I were jjgitties, I'd try to bring the issues up with Mrs. jjgitties first. Too little time and intimacy are bad for a marriage. How old are the kids? Could they spend time with relatives or at a summer camp or something in the summer? A break from the routines could do wonders for the parent's relationship. Plan for something that is fun and exciting for both.

[jjgitties]

why are you married, then, if you're so unhappy?

 

cause i have kids, a mortgage, cause i have known my wife for a long time.

[mikeylo]

That marriage is hard. Trust , loyalty , sacrifice are not just words. One mishap can lead to issues , so you have to take every step in a way that if your spouse was to do the same , how would you feel and react. Keep there well being before your own selfish and unjustifiable pleasures.

 

The easy part is to find a partner. Hardest thing is to keep them. And that comes at a cost. If you are not ready to pay that cost, you better stay single.

 

You have to change yourself. Those who don't, fail.

[Arieswoman]

I agree with d0nnivain, the first year was an eye-opener.

 

Even thought we'd been dating for a couple of years and each had no children, and no parents, there was a lot of adjusting to do.

 

I was ready at one point to call it quits but then decided that it was silly to fall at the first hurdle. So we had a good talk and made some (more !) ground rules and things improved.

[GoodOnPaper]

I thought that moving forward in life would automatically wipe out all of my "nice guy" issues and insecurities that plagued my singlehood. Not at all. It really surprised me considering that my wife was the one and only woman who was more attracted to me than I was to her. I thought, finally, I don't have to deal with someone who has one foot out the door from the get-go and who will just monkeybranch to another guy - and I haven't. But all this relationship enthusiasm and commitment never translated to an uninhibited intimacy like I thought it would. Her weight-related insecurities have been every bit a match for my own "nice guy" ones. In terms of sex, intimacy, and emotional development, I feel like I have been spinning my wheels all these years.

[rick2016]

How much a women can change after meno-pause.....and they may not even realize it.

There whole personally can change, its like you are married to somebody else... never seen it coming, quite shocking what hormones can do to a person..

[BettyDraper]

How good my second marriage was after the trainwreck that was the first.

 

I'm so happy for you and your wife.

[BettyDraper]

I was shocked by how healing marriage could be.

[carefreegirl]

How secure I feel married vs just having a boyfriend. We're in this together, good or bad.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I'm surprised that it's one of the easiest, most natural, most fulfilling things I've ever done.

[todreaminblue]

last time i answered in a marriage thread sayign how much i loved the stories it closed right after i did....made me paranoid i am cursed......

 

 

i just want to say again i love these marraigethreads...seems today society forgets how beautiful and reqwarding a union marriage can be or that it actually means work and effort to get that beautiful rewarding union that a marriage is ..... a real mutualconcerted effort to keep a union working and alive.....

 

thanks for posting guys..all the good all the bad..its enlightening....praying now i dont kill this thread by posting in it...i just want to be a part of the thread...even though i am not married...just wanted to say i love this thread and thankyou for your posts in it..........deb

[mercy]

last time i answered in a marriage thread sayign how much i loved the stories it closed right after i did....made me paranoid i am cursed......

 

 

 

I heard they were closing the thread!

 

You are a blessing not a curse!

 

I've been following the thread too I just couldn't think of anything that surprised me about being married.

 

Maybe how quiet it was, peaceful quiet. I went from a noisy house (good noisy) to a dorm filled with noise, to a quiet peaceful place all my own.

[Unforseen]

Or more specifically a lack of psychic ablilities. For some reason my W and I had the mistaken idea that once we were married we would magically just get eachother. Or at least that's how we acted. All manner of issues and confusion happened as one of us assumed the other knew what was wanted or expected.

 

It's laughable looking back on it now, but oh man was it trouble in the beginning. As it turns out, if I want my Ws help cleaning up after dinner it works out better to ask her nicely rather than to try to will my request through space and time from my brain to hers! Things are much better since we learned how to talk and listen to each other.