Boyfriend tells me that while committed, he wants to keep options open

[madeinaday]

So the other day my boyfriend and I had a conversation about commitment in a relationship. He said that the difference between being in a committed relationship vs. being married is the degree of commitment. He said that when you tie the knot, that is the extreme form of commitment where there will never be another person in your life other than your spouse. Dating on the other hand, yes you are committed, but there is always a possibility of meeting somebody else that may be a seemingly "better fit" for you, so you keep your options "open" to a varying degree. He's saying that while he wouldn't actively look for another potential while in a relationship with me, if he so happens to meet somebody that is so much of a better fit for him, he thinks it would be doing everybody a disservice if he doesn't even consider pursuing the other girl.

 

To me this just sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too, but when I talked to my girlfriends about this they seem to think that this sentiment is quite normal and is basically an "unspoken" rule amongst couples, and my boyfriend just decided to voice it.

 

I'm quite confused about this actually, and reconsidering if I even want to be in a relationship where yes you are committed, but you are still basically keeping your options open.. it just seems to me that I basically have to hold my breath and hope that he doesn't find somebody "better" than me.

 

What do you guys think? Is this sentiment actually that common? Should I be reconsidering this relationship?

[Arieswoman]

madeinaday,

 

To me this just sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too,

 

Yup ...

 

but when I talked to my girlfriends about this they seem to think that this sentiment is quite normal and is basically an "unspoken" rule amongst couples, and my boyfriend just decided to voice it.

 

Who cares what they think? They aren't in the relationship you are. This "unspoken rule" is nothing I've ever heard of

 

Should I be reconsidering this relationship?

 

Yes.

 

This is nasty manipulative behaviour - don't fall for it.

What your b/f is saying basically is that he'll stay with you until something better comes along. This is designed to keep you off-balance and insecure and trying hard to please him.

 

Personally, I'd look for someone who makes me feel secure and cherished, not a disposable item.

 

Good luck x

[Gemma1]

I actually agree with your boyfriend.

 

Marriage is the point at which you say "I'm choosing to be with you forever, and I'm going to work on our relationship even if someone seemingly better comes along." All relationships are a trial for marriage. Anything before marriage can be serious, it can be love, but it's not the true commitment that marriage is.

 

Prior to marriage, I wasn't a cheater. But if I was in a relationship and I met someone else, I would at least consider leaving my partner for the seemingly "better" person. Because I believe that anything prior to marriage is a trial and it would be foolish to lock yourself down to one person who you probably won't marry and miss out on the chance to find someone truly compatible. And that doesn't mean I was just jumping from person to person. It would take a LOT for me to want to get out of a relationship.

 

This is my opinion, it's what I've made marriage to be. Everyone is different. Be glad your boyfriend is being honest with you. And if you guys make it to marriage, you can feel reassured by the fact that he holds marriage in such a high regard. I also think he's just voicing a very common approach to relationships and marriage that most guys simply won't admit.

[madeinaday]

Thank you for your replies. It's funny how the reply I got from Arieswoman seem to reflect my view on this issue and the reply I got from Gemma1 accurately reflects my boyfriend's opinion. It has helped me in trying to understand his point of view a little bit better. Definitely I will still have to think about this and whether I am comfortable with this hanging over my head. Thank you!

Edited May 22, 2017 by madeinaday

[flysolo]

I'd leave this one if I were you.

Boyfriend tells me that while committed, he wants to keep options open

He basically has told you that he's planning to leave you sooner or later. He will have options in due time.

[mikeylo]

What he means is that you just one of the other women he is sleeping with and if you see him with another , he told you so !

 

Continue if you agree with being part of his huge list of women.

[Arieswoman]

madeinaday,

 

And what sort of self-serving rubbish is this ;

 

if he so happens to meet somebody that is so much of a better fit for him, he thinks it would be doing everybody a disservice if he doesn't even consider pursuing the other girl.

 

what he means is that he would be doing himself a disservice.

 

Time for a rethink, methinks...

[d0nnivain]

Any dating relationship can end in a break up. Even in marriage somebody can always get divorced. There are not guarantees.

 

 

I'd want some more clarification from your BF. Is he saying he can't see himself married to you ever & that you are a fun girl for now but expects you won't make it to happily ever after? Is he scared of the future? Is he someone who doesn't express himself well? Is he a mean-spirited jerk whois playing with your emotions.

 

Either way, to my mind it doesn't bode well for your future.

[elaine567]

YOU don't actually have a bf, you have a guy who is wasting your time whilst he is on the look out for someone else.

 

The whole bf/gf thing is about putting yourself in a place where other options do not matter.

Yes it may all fizzle out, or descend into drama and chaos, but the primary intention is to try and make it work.

If he is already suggesting other options are available and it is only a matter of time before he moves on, then I suggest you let him go pursue those other options NOW, not in the future when you are deeply invested and you will be truly heartbroken when he walks.

[Tribble]

I think it's very important to think about what he really said and perhaps get clarification from your bf.

 

From your thread title, that he's committed but wants to keep his options open, I was thinking dump and move on.

 

But from your description of the conversation, I'm inclined to agree with Gemma. Dating is the interviewing stage for marriage. It's easier to walk away, less things to sort out if it goes wrong and less stigma than divorcing. It's also immediate, whereas divorce takes time. If, during this time, someone came around that felt like a better fit, most people would consider that their dating relationship wasn't quite right. Hopefully, if you're married, you've decided that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, and you'd be less likely to ever find a better fit.

 

I largely agree with your bf. How the conversation came about and how it was worded would be of greater issue. Also whether you guys are dating with a view to marriage eventually. Or just dating.

[Space Ritual]

Should I be reconsidering this relationship?

 

Not only should you be reconsidering the relationship, you should consider yourself lucky.

 

You know how many idiots like your boyfriend are actually dumb enough to telegraph to their girlfriends that they fully intend to cheat on them at any given time in the future, and will use the semantics of "degree of commitment" for reference?

 

Not many, and then only the biggest idiots among them.

 

He did you a favor unwittingly by giving you a snapshot into what type of future you have with him. In essence he is showing you who he is...so believe him and don't walk...RUN screaming into the night away from this fool while you can.

 

Guys like that end up alone for good reason.

[preraph]

I would tell him no to commitment and commence to date other guys besides him.

[aileD]

Well....what's your goal in dating?

 

Is it to have fun and companionship or are you looking for a husband?

 

 

If it's the latter, he's not it. He doesnt think you are it, so don't waste your time with him.

 

Also in my experience, people who are always "looking for something better" don't usually stop once there is a ring on their finger. Marriage isn't a fantasy. It's a bunch of obligations and chores and working hard and it's not always easy and fun and there will be a million other people that look like a better fit. Marriage is a commitment even through that.

 

He's not the committing type.

[preraph]

Commitment doesn't mean not looking for other women to him, so what's the point of YOU being committed when he is still swivle-headed? I mean, it's fine to be open about not wanting commitment, but you should just tell him no since it doesn't mean anything to him and he obviously wants to keep looking, and you should keep looking too. Don't let him get your commitment and keep you in reserve while he goes about business as usual. Date him but tell him you are going to date others as well or keep your options open too.

[caveman621]

I suppose what he says is "TECHNICALLY" correct in that dating is not the commitment that marriage should be. But it's a pretty lousy thing to say to someone you are dating. As prior responders said, if you just want someone to be with and have fun with, stay with him if you like. If you're looking for a lifelong relationship and possible marriage, he ain't it!

[SwordofFlame]

I actually agree with your boyfriend.

 

Marriage is the point at which you say "I'm choosing to be with you forever, and I'm going to work on our relationship even if someone seemingly better comes along." All relationships are a trial for marriage. Anything before marriage can be serious, it can be love, but it's not the true commitment that marriage is.

 

Prior to marriage, I wasn't a cheater. But if I was in a relationship and I met someone else, I would at least consider leaving my partner for the seemingly "better" person. Because I believe that anything prior to marriage is a trial and it would be foolish to lock yourself down to one person who you probably won't marry and miss out on the chance to find someone truly compatible. And that doesn't mean I was just jumping from person to person. It would take a LOT for me to want to get out of a relationship.

 

This is my opinion, it's what I've made marriage to be. Everyone is different. Be glad your boyfriend is being honest with you. And if you guys make it to marriage, you can feel reassured by the fact that he holds marriage in such a high regard. I also think he's just voicing a very common approach to relationships and marriage that most guys simply won't admit.

 

Have to agree here. I don't take it as in he will cheat, but if he meets someone he likes better, he'll break up and date her instead. The only mistake here is him actually telling you this. Hence, why it is an "unspoken rule".

[Miss Peach]

One thing I looks for in a BF is someone who seems all 'in' and is thinking of 'us' and 'we'. If he's still thinking at 'I' and 'me' then it doesn't bode well for a LTR IMO.

 

I get hit on all the time. Even in front of BF. I am flattered by the idea but I have not seriously entertained those offers. One thing I promised BF is that if I leave it's not going to be because another guy sauntered up to me and gave me attention; it's going to be because this is not a good relationship for me and either he screwed up or it's clear we're not compatible. There are men who think that way too IME and that will value what you provide in their life.

[central]

Dating on the other hand, yes you are committed, but there is always a possibility of meeting somebody else that may be a seemingly "better fit" for you, so you keep your options "open" to a varying degree. He's saying that while he wouldn't actively look for another potential while in a relationship with me, if he so happens to meet somebody that is so much of a better fit for him, he thinks it would be doing everybody a disservice if he doesn't even consider pursuing the other girl.

 

I agree with him, but most people would not. If you encounter someone better matched while you are still free to pursue that, then you should. It would be stupid to stay in a relationship that is less than you could have. My wife and I think this is true even if married - if you'd have a better, happier, move loving life with someone else, then you should go for it. Of course, you either need to leave your current relationship first, or negotiate how to handle the situation. We also feel that since our relationship is so good, that it would take something extraordinary to make us want to pursue someone/something else, so we're not worried.

 

And if it happens? Well, it would be sad and it would hurt for a while, but love also means wanting the best for each other, even if that means we're not the best for each other.

[Gemma1]

I agree with him, but most people would not. If you encounter someone better matched while you are still free to pursue that, then you should. It would be stupid to stay in a relationship that is less than you could have. My wife and I think this is true even if married - if you'd have a better, happier, move loving life with someone else, then you should go for it. Of course, you either need to leave your current relationship first, or negotiate how to handle the situation. We also feel that since our relationship is so good, that it would take something extraordinary to make us want to pursue someone/something else, so we're not worried.

 

And if it happens? Well, it would be sad and it would hurt for a while, but love also means wanting the best for each other, even if that means we're not the best for each other.

I agree with this for the most part. In fact parts of your post I say almost verbatim whenever someone is questioning my open marriage. The standard "what if he finds someone he likes more?" Always gets answered with a "if he finds someone he likes THAT much then he should go be with her, because she must be amazing. But he'll never find anyone better for him than me so it doesn't matter."

 

I just think there's a certain commitment that should be assumed with marriage that you will try as hard as you can to make it work with each other even if someone seemingly better comes along, because otherwise, you could end up jumping from relationship to relationship your whole life and end up alone and unhappy. My mom was like this, and I can guarantee you she regrets it now. I think it would be crazy to leave a great marriage with kids involved just because you may have met someone *slightly* greater. At a certain point I think the interview process is over and you should select a mate and commit your life to making that a great relationship. If that doesn't work out, fine. But I don't think you should ever dump a great marriage for something that might be greater. That's just my opinion though, you and your wife's approach is one I relate to a lot as well.

 

But before marriage? It's not even a question for me. It would be silly to stay in a relationship even after meeting someone who would truly make a better partner for you. That doesn't mean you leave at the first sign of butterflies for someone else. You should take some time and make sure that you are making a good choice, not just chasing a high.

 

So far most people in this thread are acting like this guy is wanting to date other people while he's dating OP, or that he's already decided she's not the one, or that he isn't marriage material. I don't think that's the case at all. He's just being totally honest that he views everything before marriage as a trial. This is a completely valid way of looking at things, and in fact is just really honest of him because that's how most guys view dating even if they don't admit it.

Edited May 22, 2017 by Gemma1

[madeinaday]

Thank you everyone for your inputs, I really appreciate them, and it has helped tremendously in hearing different opinions. I did talk to my boyfriend about this today and asked for more clarifications. He said that even though he still believes in what he said, he is more than satisfied with me and the relationship and does not think that he would ever feel like somebody else may be seemingly better than me. He thinks that if our relationship continues to be as great as it is now, then there is no possibility that he may consider another. He does not understand why I am holding my breath, because it was always him pursuing me and worrying that I may leave him (he pursued me pretty hard in the beginning of the relationship, and I had tried to leave him a few times when he had done things that made me second guess the relationship). He dated a lot of girls in the past, and has "chosen" me as he thought I stood out from the rest. He does want a long term relationship with marriage as a goal, and wants to give our relationship a fair shot.

 

For the time being I am gonna trust that he has my best interest at heart, as I do his. I will give the relationship a fair shot like he says he will and see where this takes us. Again, thank you all so much for your replies!

[Tribble]

Nowhere does what he say indicate that he is going to cheat or look around for someone else. It makes sense to me. He can be all in with OP while still having this view. If there was a better fit for him, would you want him to stay with you just because you happen to be dating?? If I loved someone, I'd want them to be happy. The very fact that he is with you, and sharing his thoughts so candidly, shows he thinks you are the best fit for him. He isn't dating you because you were hot or you guys fell into a relationship. He wants you.

 

But, I feel we have moved on from this. This rang a bell for me:

 

(he pursued me pretty hard in the beginning of the relationship, and I had tried to leave him a few times when he had done things that made me second guess the relationship).

 

What were these things? Are you so nervous about the things he said because of what happened before? If you don't trust him, that will be the end of your relationship, not whether or not he finds a better fit while you're dating.

[Redhead14]

You are a place holder . . . he's keeping you in limbo. He's thinking you're not quite the "one" but you're good enough for now and unless/until he finds someone better. He's not going to cheat on you "right now", but if he sees someone he wants, he will go after her. Hopefully, he will remain at least sexually exclusive and if he decides he wants to be intimate with someone else, he will end things with you before or very shortly after.

[elaine567]

So the other day my boyfriend and I had a conversation about commitment in a relationship.

 

Who brought up the subject?

[GunslingerRoland]

Dating isn't the same level of commitment as marriage, duh. It's not a lifetime commitment.

 

That said, if you are dating someone exclusively you should be focused on them and not trying to find someone better. If the relationship isn't working then you move on. You don't wait to find someone better and then move on.

 

It isn't like job searching. I always recommend finding another job before you leave your current one even if you aren't happy. Why? Because you don't get paid and you need money. But there is nothing you NEED from a relationship. Even if you need sex (we all want it but unless you are Vulcan I don't think you need it) you can get it outside of the context of a relationship.

[Redhead14]

It's up to you to decide if you want to wait for him to be able to make his own decision about "committing" to you. If you want to wait, make a mental time limit, whatever you're willing/able to devote to waiting -- say a month -- and after that time passes, and if he hasn't brought it up, formalized, etc., then you bring it up yourself. If you are being intimate with a man and looking for a relationship, you have the right and responsibility to yourself to have clarity when you need it.