Boyfriend tells me that while committed, he wants to keep options open

[smackie9]

So what happens down the road when you want to get married and he doesn't because he is not wanting to commit to that? I would be weary because he doesn't have any set goals in mind. Being on the same page is key.

[flysolo]

Thank you everyone for your inputs, I really appreciate them, and it has helped tremendously in hearing different opinions. I did talk to my boyfriend about this today and asked for more clarifications. He said that even though he still believes in what he said, he is more than satisfied with me and the relationship and does not think that he would ever feel like somebody else may be seemingly better than me. He thinks that if our relationship continues to be as great as it is now, then there is no possibility that he may consider another. He does not understand why I am holding my breath, because it was always him pursuing me and worrying that I may leave him (he pursued me pretty hard in the beginning of the relationship, and I had tried to leave him a few times when he had done things that made me second guess the relationship). He dated a lot of girls in the past, and has "chosen" me as he thought I stood out from the rest. He does want a long term relationship with marriage as a goal, and wants to give our relationship a fair shot.

 

For the time being I am gonna trust that he has my best interest at heart, as I do his. I will give the relationship a fair shot like he says he will and see where this takes us. Again, thank you all so much for your replies!

 

Err.. after hearing that I really think you should leave. I told you earlier in this thread, but really I'd be careful with this one.

 

I mean who has the audacity to say things like "Boyfriend tells me that while committed, he wants to keep options open" to his girlfriend?

 

Man, people really do surprise me. Mindblowing actually. It's one thing to be tempted by someone else, whole another to say i'd leave you for a better option.

He also contradicts himself saying that he won't find anyone better than you (at least for now).

 

Things may be good now, but when **** hits the fan, I wouldn't be surprised if he leaves and says "I told you so". He will not have a single ounce of pity or guilt, because he believes he already made the process clear to you- and you are showing that you are okay with this. It doesn't matter if he's the one pursuing you now. If he finds someone better, he will pursue that person instead.

Edited May 24, 2017 by flysolo

[ali000]

I think that any good relationships starts off with the two of them being insanely in love and possibly delusional; certain they found the one and want to be with them forever. That is what being in love is. If someone doesnt feel that and they dont float on that pink cloud, then this is not even a good connection or a good relationship. Out of all the relationships between people who used to be convinced they'd always stay together; most of those end in break ups.... So honey you deserve better, way better.

[No_Go]

You are a place holder . . . he's keeping you in limbo. He's thinking you're not quite the "one" but you're good enough for now and unless/until he finds someone better. He's not going to cheat on you "right now", but if he sees someone he wants, he will go after her. Hopefully, he will remain at least sexually exclusive and if he decides he wants to be intimate with someone else, he will end things with you before or very shortly after.

 

^^ I think it is exactly what Redhead said.

 

My ex has made similar comments. When I caught him later on dating sites he said this is totally fine because we were not married and he was just checking people (?!?) because we had arguments at the time We were living together and discussing engagement at the time btw. I think though he stayed with me because of convenience, because upon breaking up he reiterated his need that I wasn never going to meet (a "Christian" girl -

churchgoing or whatever this entailed for him...)

[darkmoon]

is he hinting at a split?

[xenawarriorprincess]

So the other day my boyfriend and I had a conversation about commitment in a relationship. He said that the difference between being in a committed relationship vs. being married is the degree of commitment. He said that when you tie the knot, that is the extreme form of commitment where there will never be another person in your life other than your spouse. Dating on the other hand, yes you are committed, but there is always a possibility of meeting somebody else that may be a seemingly "better fit" for you, so you keep your options "open" to a varying degree. He's saying that while he wouldn't actively look for another potential while in a relationship with me, if he so happens to meet somebody that is so much of a better fit for him, he thinks it would be doing everybody a disservice if he doesn't even consider pursuing the other girl.

 

To me this just sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too, but when I talked to my girlfriends about this they seem to think that this sentiment is quite normal and is basically an "unspoken" rule amongst couples, and my boyfriend just decided to voice it.

 

I'm quite confused about this actually, and reconsidering if I even want to be in a relationship where yes you are committed, but you are still basically keeping your options open.. it just seems to me that I basically have to hold my breath and hope that he doesn't find somebody "better" than me.

 

What do you guys think? Is this sentiment actually that common? Should I be reconsidering this relationship?

 

Marriage is commitment! While no one ever wants to be second choice or used as a place holder for something better, your BF is absolutely right! The only reason to date is to find the person you are planning to spend your life with in a committed relationship, such as marriage. Dating is the time to feel things out between the two of you and to decide if you are both right for each other. I don’t believe in “Unspoken Rules” because every person has some type of idea or expectation within a relationship and those ideas/expectations might differ between the two involved; therefore it is always a good idea to say out loud what your expectations are for dating, living together, and marriage, and you must also outline the level of commitment you expect from each mile-stone. Let’s say you just met and you’ve chatted/texts for about a month and went on a few dates. What level of commitment (if any) do you expect and how many months of this will go on before you determine that the two f you are committed/exclusive? What if your partner has different standards and expectations for exclusivity? Never assume anything, always state your expectations , and if your partner absolutely does not agree or states that they are not ready for your level of expectations, then you are free to date and find someone else who is more in-tune with your standards. So….in short…..I believe that your boyfriend is correct. It would seem these days that the words “talking, dating, BF/GF, even hooking up” are all synonyms with some level of commitment or exclusivity, but they are not. They are all stepping-stones.

[smackie9]

Just me but what he said goes without saying....talk about a buzz kill saying stuff like that.

[Rach_and_roll]

Hi there, 20 something male here. That is not a rule. never heard of it, and if someone told me this in a relationship i would reconsider being with them and communicate my thoughts as to why this would have affected me. its a red flag statement and if you voicing how it makes you feel to hear that falls upon deaf ears id red flag that as well. your totally in the right for being affected by this statement, I recommend writting a letter explaining how you feel, rehearse it, and ask to speak with him about it. feelings arent bad, they just are. your cannot choose how to feel, you have to cope with your feelings and its how you handle them where a decisiveness in apropriateness comes in. Whats healthy, whats truthful and honest, and how to speak these feelings with love and not hate or pain. Good luck and i wish u the best! Dating is about seeing who is your potential life mate this is true, but you test the waters by devoting your time and seeing if its going to work out in my experience. not by keeping vigilant for other possibilities, thats counter intuitive.

Edited June 10, 2017 by Rach_and_roll
additional sharing

[Els]

If he was talking about just "dating" - as in the early stages before both of you are exclusive or in a relationship - then I would agree with him. But it doesn't sound like that's what he's saying - he's saying he wants an exclusive relationship where YOU can't date anyone except him... but he's still keeping an eye out for other women.

 

Yeah, definitely sounds like he's wanting to have his cake and eat it too. I'd ditch and run if I were you. How long have you two been "together"?

 

My opinion is that the difference between a LTR and marriage shouldn't be "that you can keep an eye out for other men/women in a LTR" - I would never do that and would never accept a partner who believed that. It's the extent to which you stay if things go south. This may be cultural, but I do not think I would leave a marriage for any reason other than cheating, abuse, or VERY long-term neglect (think years of trying to fix things). On the other hand, if a LTR is making me consistently unhappy, leaving instead of staying would be a viable option.

 

Interestingly the latter is exactly how some people view marriage - as a legal LTR, nothing more. This does blur the line a bit, especially in countries where a LTR is actually legally recognized.

[JS84]

I don't really think there's a right or wrong answer in that particular situation I think it just depends on the individuals involved. Personally I think if marriage was such a commitment we wouldn't have a near 50% divorce rate, rampant infidelity, and endless broken "vows". I think your boyfriend is full of double speak.

 

You can't claim you're committed then on the other hand say "if someone better comes along I'm gone." I don't understand how that mentality is okay when you're dating, but isn't to most people when you're married.

 

Now if you don't want to be exclusive while you're dating, just be an adult come out and say that. Honestly I don't think he should have said anything at all if that's his mentality. If my girlfriend told me something like that, I'd wish her good luck and move on. Then her options would be even more open

 

But honesty dating these days is pretty much a cesspool of narcissism, selfishness, a desire for quick and easy gratification, unrealistic expectations, and disappointment so I guess you have to make the best of what you choose to put up with.