Issues with a close friend

[CardinalsGirl]

This is a good site, just found it today and after reading through some topics, figured I would post a situation going on with a close friend.

 

I have been friends with a guy for almost 9 years. We met in college and over the years we became super close. He's my BFF. When we first met, I know he liked me and was interested in more than friends but I was in a relationship. A year later I really liked him more than friends but he was in a relationship. Then at some point it just turned platonic, and its been like that for 7 years. Its been a real close friendship too.

 

The last 8 months I have had a real busy schedule, teaching and working a second job on the weekends. Also I am in a relationship. I just haven't been able to hang out with him much or get back to him with texts or calls like I used to.

 

He has been cold too me and we've had a few bad arguments, which have stemmed from him being mad we haven't hung out or I didn't get back to him on something. So its like since I am busy he is mad at me.

 

But I don't know if there is more too it. But the two months we haven't really talked, he's pretty. He's thrown out the doesn't seem like you care about be card. There are a few other things that make me feel this way too. It makes me think he might have feelings more towards friends for me which is a problem as I am happily in a very good relationship and have been for 3 years. I just suspect he has some hidden feelings for me.

 

The cold and being demanding over me busy also seems to fit when he became single and when things go closer and better in my relationship, which he knows. Maybe I am looking too much into this. It could just be over me being unavailable and not responding to him like I used to. Which still is a big issue since thats not my fault.

 

So I don't know what to do but its upsetting me. Either way, I actually care about him a lot as a friend, but I think he is being too demanding over me being busy. And if he does have feelings for me, that makes things awkward and I don't know how things would go forward after that. I love him but not like that.

[stillafool]

If he's you BFF surely your BF has met him and knows about him. Why haven't you invited him over to hang out with you guys?

[CardinalsGirl]

I made a typo and it won't let me edit my original lol! He's been pretty distant and short with texting/calls. Must have deleted that on accident.

 

My BF has met him, very early in our relationship. It was established right away that I've been friends with him for years and there is nothing going on between us. He has hung out with us, we've done a bunch of double dates with him and his last GF.

 

My BF likes him, they get along fine and he has no issues with us being close friends. They actually both play guitar and are into the same music, so the two of them hit it off real fast. He's pretty comfortable with him and doesn't even care if the two of us meet up or hang out alone.

 

I work during the week teaching and then I teach fitness classes in the evening and weekend. At least for the next year, I need both jobs to cover my expenses. I just don't have free time like I used to. Before I took this new job, it was different, I had way more free time. I would have no issues making plans with my BFF.

Edited May 22, 2017 by CardinalsGirl

[preraph]

If you can't improve the communication, then you just let him be mad about it and get some distance. Chances are he is possessive of you. Chances are he was hoping that once you ditched your boyfriend, you'd turn to him. Most guys don't hang around for years unless they are still wanting to find out what it would be like to have sex with you. Sounds like even if you felt that way, you wouldn't get along as a couple anyway because you're too independent to want to meet his standards of communication and he's probably a little clingy.

 

So you're not interested, so no reason to change what you're doing. Try to be a good human being and if you do tell him you'll do something, do it, or don't promise. But you don't owe anyone communication on their terms if there's no reason for you to want to do that.

[CardinalsGirl]

If you can't improve the communication, then you just let him be mad about it and get some distance. Chances are he is possessive of you. Chances are he was hoping that once you ditched your boyfriend, you'd turn to him. Most guys don't hang around for years unless they are still wanting to find out what it would be like to have sex with you. Sounds like even if you felt that way, you wouldn't get along as a couple anyway because you're too independent to want to meet his standards of communication and he's probably a little clingy.

 

So you're not interested, so no reason to change what you're doing. Try to be a good human being and if you do tell him you'll do something, do it, or don't promise. But you don't owe anyone communication on their terms if there's no reason for you to want to do that.

 

I don't know. I know in the first two years we knew each other, there was a stretch he had feelings for me and wanted to date but I was seeing someone I was really into. Even still I was attracted to him at that time. Of course, shortly after my break up, I had feelings for him, I really wanted to date him, but he was now seeing someone. Then it went away for both of us. I think we both friend-zoned each other but it was mutual and we were happy with that. 7 years, 100% platonic I feel. We've both had stretches of being single at the same time and always kept things platonic, helping each other even with dating.

 

If he started down the path of having feelings for me, its very recent and after his last break up. He never felt possessive or clingy of me as a friend before. This stuff really started right after his break up which was around the same time I got real busy with the two jobs.

 

I could be very wrong about him having feelings too, just a guess based on some recent behavior.

 

I feel like I have communicated with him, I just can't get involved in deep conversations nearly as much and I do try and I do make effort to make plans when I have some free time. But I have other friends, family and my BF.

 

I don't want to lose the friendship though, I really care about him as he's like family. But I just think he'll continue being cold and argumentative

[AJ27k]

Take a look at my thread, I have a different circumstance, but kind of a similar situation with an opposite sex best friend from a long time. She's basically turned the close friendship to a one-sided one where I basically feel like I am being used and I can't get through to her. Really sucks because of how long we've been friends but I really am prepared to walk away if things don't change. There is no feelings outside of being best friends between us.

 

Have you sat down with your friend and told him what your schedule is like, why you have to work so much and how little free time you have? Seems obvious your time would be limited.

 

I don't know what to say about him maybe developing feelings past friendship. What do you mean other behaviors make you think this? He may have been clingy in the past but now you notice more as you don't have the time to devote to the friendship like before. Any mutual friends you can ask if he's said anything about you or have feelings for you?

 

I think if you just call him or tell him in person "Hey this is where my life is at right now and I care about you as a best friend, I am trying my best hang/text/call you is good enough, you should understand out of all people" etc. That last part might be a little harsh. Also ask him if anything else is going on. If its something else, you are giving him an opening to bring it up.

 

Take a look at my thread, I already have made up my mind on how I am going to handle it but any feedback is welcome

[CC12]

I think you should take a look back at your interactions between you two for the past year or so. When you did take the initiative to contact him, was it because you needed something, or you needed to talk about your personal problems? If so, did you spend an equal amount of time listening to his problems or asking what's going on in his life? And did you still ever contact him just to chat with an old friend?

 

I see it a lot here and in life that when friendships start drifting apart, the party being "left behind" isn't so much upset that their friend doesn't spend as much time with them anymore, but that the friendship becomes one-sided and they feel like they're being used. And I think for the friend in your (possible) position, it's easy to think, "So its like since I am busy he is mad at me."

 

Maybe he's not mad that you're busy, but that the time you make for him is more about you. It's something for you to consider.

[whichwayisup]

It was established right away that I've been friends with him for years and there is nothing going on between us.

It comes down to this. You two are emotionally attached to one another on some level and fact is, the timing was always off for the two of you, he liked you, you liked him etc... He STILL likes you which is why things are funky and he's distanced himself from you and acting a bit like a turd to you.

 

You can't have a guy being your BFF and have a boyfriend. It just gets in the way as you now know.

 

Give him space and let him be.

 

If you two can truly be platonic friends and the time comes feelings don't get hurt, then you'll know he's "just a friend" and nothing more. Though I doubt that will happen because past feelings. The feelings aren't past.. Really ask yourself if you still have feelings or anything for him.

[CardinalsGirl]

It comes down to this. You two are emotionally attached to one another on some level and fact is, the timing was always off for the two of you, he liked you, you liked him etc... He STILL likes you which is why things are funky and he's distanced himself from you and acting a bit like a turd to you.

 

You can't have a guy being your BFF and have a boyfriend. It just gets in the way as you now know.

 

Give him space and let him be.

 

If you two can truly be platonic friends and the time comes feelings don't get hurt, then you'll know he's "just a friend" and nothing more. Though I doubt that will happen because past feelings. The feelings aren't past.. Really ask yourself if you still have feelings or anything for him.

 

I was his BFF while he has had GFs and I was single. I was fine and happy for him. I am not going to rule out that isn't the case with him right now but I think it can work fine. Opposite sex best friendships work all the time.

 

In those first two years we definitely like each other at various points but its been a long time where things have been platonic...7 years.

 

I have been giving him space unintentionally I guess.

[CardinalsGirl]

I think you should take a look back at your interactions between you two for the past year or so. When you did take the initiative to contact him, was it because you needed something, or you needed to talk about your personal problems? If so, did you spend an equal amount of time listening to his problems or asking what's going on in his life? And did you still ever contact him just to chat with an old friend?

 

I see it a lot here and in life that when friendships start drifting apart, the party being "left behind" isn't so much upset that their friend doesn't spend as much time with them anymore, but that the friendship becomes one-sided and they feel like they're being used. And I think for the friend in your (possible) position, it's easy to think, "So its like since I am busy he is mad at me."

 

Maybe he's not mad that you're busy, but that the time you make for him is more about you. It's something for you to consider.

 

I know when friendships get one-sided they usually drift and eventually end. I actually feel I am pretty conscious about that. If he helps me with something or if he listens to me vent about issues, I always follow up by asking if he needs some help and if not I'll pay for his dinner to drinks next time we go out.

 

I'd say half of the time we contact each other its just to talk about funny stuff or joke. The other half is serious/personal stuff.

 

Last few times I have contacted him I've asked if he is free certain nights or asked how things are going and its been short responses and he can't that night. He used to counter with how about this night but he doesn't even do that anymore.

[CardinalsGirl]

Take a look at my thread, I have a different circumstance, but kind of a similar situation with an opposite sex best friend from a long time. She's basically turned the close friendship to a one-sided one where I basically feel like I am being used and I can't get through to her. Really sucks because of how long we've been friends but I really am prepared to walk away if things don't change. There is no feelings outside of being best friends between us.

 

Have you sat down with your friend and told him what your schedule is like, why you have to work so much and how little free time you have? Seems obvious your time would be limited.

 

I don't know what to say about him maybe developing feelings past friendship. What do you mean other behaviors make you think this? He may have been clingy in the past but now you notice more as you don't have the time to devote to the friendship like before. Any mutual friends you can ask if he's said anything about you or have feelings for you?

 

I think if you just call him or tell him in person "Hey this is where my life is at right now and I care about you as a best friend, I am trying my best hang/text/call you is good enough, you should understand out of all people" etc. That last part might be a little harsh. Also ask him if anything else is going on. If its something else, you are giving him an opening to bring it up.

 

Take a look at my thread, I already have made up my mind on how I am going to handle it but any feedback is welcome

 

I looked at your topic and your situation. She's clearly taking advantage of you and not respecting you equally in the friendship. You are doing the right thing but basically telling her you can't or are busy from this point on when she asks. You can always counter too with saying "Sorry I am busy that day and I can't, but are you free this day we should just get drinks and catch up its been awhile". That can work. She'll get the message.

 

I don't know why she changed and is acting that way. You seem like you care about her which is why you have tolerated it. You've been vocal about it and she doesn't seem to care.

 

I can try to have that kind of conversation with him. I'd prefer to do it in person and not through text or phone call.

 

We have a few friends that are mutual and close to both of us, I am going to start asking them what they think. If there is something that I don't know of, they'll know maybe

[CardinalsGirl]

So a new wrinkle to this whole issue. I decided to call him last night and talk to him right after he responded to a text I sent.

 

I told him our friendship seems to have drifted recently and I wanted to talk about what was going on.

 

I think he was being truthful about everything he told me. He said that he knows I am busy and wishes we hung out or talked more, that is part of it. Also said when it comes to texting, if I am busy just shoot a quick I'm busy I'll get back to you on it. He said he was recently hurt by a girl he had been seeing on and off for a few months ago and just never shook what happened off. He went into the whole thing, he definitely got taken advantage of by a flighty/user type chick. He also thinks because of it and some other things he is battling depression.

 

I think maybe I was wrong about him having feelings for me. I don't know if he would tell me even if he did.

 

He said things are fine between us otherwise, he suggested we try to fit a time/day of the week we can meet up or if that is too much, twice a month. He said your BF is welcome to be part of it.

 

I think maybe things will be ok? I think that if he is depressed, maybe I could really try to make sometime to cheer him up a little. Think if he is in that state, it would be a bad idea to introduce him to a recently single friend?

[preraph]

I wouldn't cave in to his texting demands. Seems to me like if you're not texting back it's self-explanatory that you're busy and not ready to text back?

[CardinalsGirl]

I wouldn't cave in to his texting demands. Seems to me like if you're not texting back it's self-explanatory that you're busy and not ready to text back?

 

I guess I can see how that is caving into his demands. It a good point, its not that unusual based on his text behavior, but maybe it is a little too demanding, He has this thing where when people text him, if he is in the middle of something, he'll say "hey I am doing X, I'll text you later". I guess he just expects everyone to do it back to him when they are busy.

 

He doesn't have a demanding personality in general. Outside of that little texting quirk, he doesn't act like that with anything else.

 

He appears pretty heartbroken over this girl, while I knew they were seeing each other, I didn't know the extent or how long and the fallout.

 

We met up today for lunch, and largely everything seems ok. I was clear about me being busy isn't my fault, he should be me more understanding. He actually agreed somewhat this time. So maybe things will be fine from here on out.

[preraph]

If that's all he's asked, then it's fine.

 

I think he displaced his anger at the other girl on to you. It probably brought up some old feelings about you too and made him mad at women in general as breakups often do. I'm glad things are on a more even keel. You handled it well.

[CardinalsGirl]

If that's all he's asked, then it's fine.

 

I think he displaced his anger at the other girl on to you. It probably brought up some old feelings about you too and made him mad at women in general as breakups often do. I'm glad things are on a more even keel. You handled it well.

 

Thank you for you advice preraph! Your words and the feedback from others on this forum helped.

 

I didn't even think about that, you may be on to something. He really kind of left me in the dark with this relationship. I knew the early stages because he was asking me for advice and date ideas, etc. But I didn't hear the drama that went on in the middle and end of the relationship. I didn't know he had been hurt, just a test one day of him saying it was over and he was happy things ended.

 

He could have directed some angry at me over the fallout from this girl. He is upset about it and I was in a real busy stretch. So he may felt I didn't care and directed some angry at me too. Also you are right when you are emotional hurt you may revisit old emotions.....could also play into things. I don't necessarily like that if that is what happened but we all act off at times. Its best if things are ok now, to move forward.

Edited May 27, 2017 by CardinalsGirl