B/F says not aroused by me anymore.. help?

[Walk]

I am so frustrated. We've been dating for nearly 2 years. We seem to argue every month like clockwork, and it's always about the same thing, sort of. He has a few variations on the theme of how I'm not doing enough to arouse him on a perpetual basis. He's said that I don't add enough variation to our sex life, that some things we do are done so sporadically they might as well not be done at all (oral), and that he feels that I'm not actually having sex because I want to but because he wants me to. In addition to these, he then says that I don't try to keep the level of arousal going through the day, all day.

 

So last night he tells me that he isn't aroused by me anymore. Not that he doesn't find me attractive, and couldn't have sex with me, but that the drive to want to have sex with me isn't there. And then when I tried to initiate sex later that evening, he turns me down. (Normally, he would be happy having sex 7 days a week)

 

In his defense, we've been arguing an incredible amount lately on the fact that he feels I take him for granted, and don't do enough for him. In addition, he's been really stressed about money, possible unemployment, and his family. He works incredibly long hours, and is exhausted all the time.

 

The last few months I have tried everything I can think of, from different outfits of lingeria (sp?), to positions, and different ways to "spice up" our sex life. The harder I try, the more he tells me he doesn't like it. So I stop trying, and then he tells me that I'm not keeping our sex life alive. He wants me to tease him throughout the day, be sexually forward with him and keep it on his mind all the time. He's only home on the weekends, so I try to do that while he's here. Problem is, he's usually upset, moody and doesn't want the fun-loving, teasing stuff. He's distant. He says its my job to bring us close again, that he's worn out after the week and doesn't have the energy to do it. (He is exhausted.)

 

I was so hurt that he doesn't find me arousing anymore. He say's its not the same as it used to be and that I changed, but I can't see how I did. I didn't used to have to do anything to get him aroused. If I just stood near him he'd be aroused. Now I'm jumping 20 story buildings and it has no effect. It's not even that I feel ugly or anything, but I feel unwanted, and that's even worse. He told me that if I want the cuddling and hugging, then I need to find a way to reestablish the "physical intimace" again. ie. make him want me. I'm CLUELESS!!!

 

And to top things off, I am so frustrated with him because of his lack of wanting to touch me. I don't feel special, or wanted, or loved. But discussing it with him, he tells me that to get that back I need to keep him aroused.

 

I feel like I'm walking a tight rope. Everything I do turns out wrong. The harder I try the more upset he becomes with me. When things are good, they are so amazingly good. He is the sweetest, most caring person in the world and I feel like a princess with him. But I can't even get him to kiss me on his own before he leaves for the week.

 

Does anyone have any advice you can offer? Please. I'm begging. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong, or where to go, or how to go about it. I am so confused now. Oh, and to round things off, he tells me Sunday night that if we aren't headed toward marriage, then we shouldn't be wasting our times. This coming from the man who wouldn't talk to a single former g/f about marriage, let alone plans for the month coming up. But lately he's been bringing up marriage a lot.

[TUDOR]

Try asking for specifics on want he is wanting if your efforts thus far have been fruitless. If he has something particular in mind he wants or needs you do in order to get aroused then it won't matter what variations or spice you try for him if it isn't those particulars he is looking for. Don't be afraid to put him on the spot though to tell you exactly what he wants or even show you. Any one making those kind of demands on you could at the very least explain to you what they are looking for.

 

Personally I think there is more to it than just your sex life and the two of you might have a communication problem that needs to be addressed.

[clandestinidad]

I'm sorry that he's putting all of this on you. From what you said, it really sounds like he refuses to do anything to make it better. He's telling you that its all b/c of you, and when you try to make him happy he gets worse?!?!? Who the **** does that?!

 

I'm wondering if he has some type of porn problem. Does he look at it all the time? B/c you know that if he's not doing anything with you, then he's getting pleasure SOMEhow. And my guess is that its not 'nice' porn either, and thats why no matter what you do its not what he wants. Sometimes people addicted to porn gradually need it to be more and more disturbing in order to be aroused by it. Anyway, do you know about his porn habits???

 

Also, I really think you should step back and look at this situation. Is THIS the type of person you'd really want to marry?!?! Someone who blames all of the problems on YOU, refuses to do anything about it, and even tells you that he's not aroused by you and that its your fault?!?!? Cant you just picture the life you'd have??? Beaten down about everything, and told that YOU need to change it all....and if you dont fix all the problems what do you think would happen?! He'd either cheat or become abusive, or totally distant with no communication or contact.

 

This is NOT your fault, no matter what he says. His sex problem is not because of you, and should not be burdened on you to fix!!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

In his defense, we've been arguing an incredible amount lately on the fact that he feels I take him for granted, and don't do enough for him. In addition, he's been really stressed about money, possible unemployment, and his family. He works incredibly long hours, and is exhausted all the time.

 

He say's its not the same as it used to be and that I changed, but I can't see how I did.

 

It sounds like he is harboring some unfair hostility, anger and frustration toward you for a variety of things, and the outlet for them is your sex life. Those are things he needs to work on. Right now, he is holding you responsible for how he is feeling, and that is what is causing his loss of arousal. It is very difficult to be turned on by someone and want to provide them with pleasure, when you are so angry and frustrated with them.

 

It likely that the person who has changed is him, but he is under some impression that its you that has to change. You changing won't change his situation - or the outcome, so it becomes a horrible bleak cycle of you jumping through the hoops that he himself is responsible for putting there and apparently refuses to do anything about.

 

Ask him if things were different, if he would want to go ahead with his wedding plans. Then, ask him if the two of you can go to premarital counseling to get to the bottom of what is causing all of this frustration and hostility within him that finds its way out through your sex life, and once that angry fog has cleared maybe you two can work toward getting back on track together.

[Horse]

If he felt like you weren't into him for a long time, he could have withdrawn and it may take a while for him to feel interested in you again.

 

It could just be a matter of timing. You could be trying hard just after he decided to give up. It may take some time before he feels like trying again.

 

Sometimes my wife won't take an issue seriously until I am obviously upset. I'm not the worlds most emotionally expressive man, so that can take a while. Often by then I am upset to the point where I don't even feel like dealing with the issue any more. If it's sex, then I'm not interested in sex (sort of) for a while. It takes a lot to upset me, but once I'm upset it takes a while for me to get over it and re-engage.

 

So... If this is related to something that he has been trying to deal with for a long time, while you haven't really taken it seriously until he began to reject you, then you should give him some space and some time to get over it.

 

If this is the case there isn't much you can do besides wait for his libido to overpower his brain. That doesn't usually take long with me, but he could have a smaller libido or a bigger brain.

 

 

I have just learned to express myself more clearly (sometimes I have to be blunt) and I sort of act upset before I really get upset. That way I don't have to really get angry and my wife doesn't have to deal with me being moody.

 

 

Also the monthly arguments... Could those have anything to do with PMS? That's not a joke. It took me a while to learn how to recognize and deal with my wifes monthly moodiness. That was and still is the only time we really argue.

[Walk]

As far as the porn issue: I'm positive he doesn't have a "porn" problem. I almost wish it was that simple.

 

And he's told me what he wants me to do, almost down to a T. Problem is, there are lots of stipulations on when, how, etc. I can't do it before he has a shower, can't do it too late in the evening, can't do it before dinner... And I'm uncomfortable doing it in the first place, and the few times I'd tried previously, it turned out badly.

 

What irks me is the fact that he knows I'm incredibly self-concious, uncomfortable with my body. I tried doing the thing he asked for (for the record, it's not anything weird, I'm just uncomfortable with getting naked in front of him for him to reject my advances.) He say's he's given me enough time, and now it's too little, too late. (He rejected me everytime I've done it.) He say's I'm only doing it because I'm afraid I'll lose him, and I'm not doing it because I want to. (Well, I don't want to.) He say's he doesn't want me to do it if I'm only doing it because I feel forced or cohersed to do it. (But I do.)

 

So these are the facts as I know them: 1.) He feels unappreciated because I was suggesting he get a job that would get him home more than 2 days a week. 2.) He feels that I'm not giving as much to the relationship as he is, because he believes he fulfills all my needs by buying me stuff, and yet I won't do this one thing he's asked of me. 3.) He feels that I won't talk to him, but when I do he gets more upset with me. 4.) He believes that I'm only in love with the being in love.

 

I tried to explain that he was the one that wanted out of his current job, wanted more time at home. I wanted to help him get this because he does work so hard, and I wish he didn't. I hate seeing him so exhausted all the time.

 

I've tried explaining I only wanted him to hug and kiss me, instead of buying me gifts, but he turned it back around to he'd do it if I gave him more of what he had asked for.

 

I've explained that he dominates our conversations and won't give me time to speak.

 

We got in another argument last night. (He wasn't going to come home, but did) He was cold and distant all evening. He's incredibly unhappy with his job, and they are asking him to do things that are potentially really unsafe for him, but if he doesn't do it he'll be fired. I'm trying really hard to be less stressful to him. I listened to him vent about his job, had gotten his "lounging" clothes set out for him, made sure I had coffee going so he could have a fresh cup when he got home. He asked if I wanted dinner, and I suggested fast food. He say's I hate fast food and I'm only changing to make him happy. Is that wrong of me to do? To think, hey this makes him happy, I'd like to do it? He say's that anything I do now he'll believe I'm only doing it to make him happy.

 

At the end of his 3 hour "rant" he say's he's going to bed. Stands up and asks if I have any final comments. I ask why he's so angry with me. He say's he's angry because when I was trying to initiate sex and I didn't say I wanted to do it for "us". That I only used the words "I", and "me". (I had told him I wanted to have sex because I wanted to with him, because it would get his mind off work, and because I wanted to.)

 

I can't win. Nothing I do works. I feel like he sabotaged the evening, then blamed it on me. I'm so frustrated. I feel like a head case. Maybe I am evil, I take advantage of him, use him, then never give? I don't feel as if that's the case. I know he's only seeing everything negatively, because he wants to. It still hurts though. I still feel misunderstood, un-heard. I wanted to make him happy. He won't be home for several days now, (if at all) and he's saying it's because I've made it so uncomfortable for him here.

[Walk]

The kicker...

 

He tells me that maybe we shouldn't have sex for a while, 'til we get our problems worked out. But if it takes too long, he's probably going to be forced to look for sex elsewhere because he's a man and men can't go without sex forever.

 

Tell me if I'm just messed in the head?? One of these supposed wrong doings of mine were because he had asked me to attempt to be more sexually oriented when he first gets home from being gone all week. So I go pick him up on a Friday dressed in a skimpy dress and sexy underwear. We get home, I suggest he take a shower, but he doesn't want to yet. "later" he says. So I climb on his lap and I'm flirting with him. Try to get in his pants, and he tells me no. (He's told me I have to keep trying sometimes because I can't get discourage and quit just because he says no once.) I try again. He starts asking me questions as to why I wrote a sexually oriented coupon book if I didn't mean it. But I did mean it. He questions my desire for him. Finally I just get off his lap because obviously this isn't headed anywhere good. 4 hours later, he's done talking, decides to take a long walk, then comes home a few hours later and sleeps on the couch.

 

Turns out, he was mad at me because I didn't let him have a shower before attempting to initiate sex. And when he told me no, I still pushed the issue.

 

He feels this is an example of my not taking him wants into consideration. That I just do what I want to do, and however I want to do it. Not what he would want, or like.

 

Can any men help me out?? What do you see here? Am I wrong? I apologized, I feel like I groveled for fogiveness, I know I won't do that again. But he's still upset about it. How would you, as a man, feel about this? Was I wrong? Did I just do whatever I wanted and not take his needs into consideration???

Help. please.

[thegoodhubbie]

YOU are NOT messed in the head. HE IS MESSED IN THE HEAD!

 

Maybe all of this is from the stress of his job. Stress can do a lot of damage to a person's psyche, and it sounds like he is under a ton. It also sounds like there may be a component of depression involved. Is he on any medications, drugs, etc? However, to me, it sounds like there is something very wrong with this guy. You are jumping through way to many sexual hoops, and there is definitely some emotional problem. You could suggest couples counseling and see where that leads, but I am sure he will say YOU need it and not him.

 

 

It could also be your b/f just wants out of the relationship and is trying to make it seem like it is your fault. He is obviously making it impossible for you to please him and now you are just second guessing yourself. The sexual demands he is putting on you are enormous and, to my mind, a little bizzare (can't do it after a shower, etc.) My advice to you (which I know is easier said than done) is to totally ignore him and go on with your life. If he comes around (or not) then you have your answer. Stop torturing yourself. No one is worth it. He is just a guy. You are not married. There are others out there. Are you sure you want to be with someone who reacts this way to stress? What about when and if you have kids (colic hell!!! -- 2 A.M. feedings), buy a house, move, etc. Now THAT stuff is stressful!

 

 

Good luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

Is he worth fighting for? It actually seems like he's trying to break up with you, or put the idea in your head so you tell him - It's over and then he'll run out the door.

 

Sex is part of the problem and him telling you he may go somewhere else to get it shows what sort of person he is. Honestly? He seems like a selfish person and what does he DO for you? Other than buy you nice things that you really don't want. You want his love, his affection, him to desire you...He's NOT giving that to you at all and while he's trying to tell you WHY he's pissed at you, he's killing off your feelings for him by being an inconsiderate jerkoff!

 

Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, but I can say magnify your problems x100 if you two stay together and get married. He's not long term relationship material, atleast that is what I've picked up on from what you've said.

 

Back off, let him do his thing. Just stop trying. Keep busy and don't ask him if he's mad at you, let him come to you when and if he's ready...That is if you want to work this out...And if you do, set down some boundries. Like going to couples therapy! It's obvious you two have issues and the communication is not great. He listens to you but doesn't "hear" what you're saying...He makes you feel bad about you. That is a HUGE no-no! Why would you want to be with someone who makes you feel like crap about yourself?

 

Really think about what it is you want from him. He is worth all the enery? Is he worth keeping or maybe it's time to think about moving on, getting over him and finding somebody better suited for you.

 

PS Just because someone is stressed out at their job doesn't give them the right to be a s*** at home. WE all have stresses in our lives...Just most of us don't crap on the ones we love! I think he does it to make himself feel better, and that to me is very cruel. He has no reguard for your feelings whatsoever...

[Walk]

What if I'm just being too thin skinned about what he say's? He say's that I need to take what he say's with a grain of salt when he's stressed out. He's asked me to have more compassion for what he's going through right now. To be more forgiving.

 

If you listened to it from his point of view he'd tell you that I over react, that I take his words wrong. He believes that if I were more physically affectionate (and not just sex) that he wouldn't feel so distant from me. But when I try to tell him that I feel like he closes off to me, like I can't touch him, then he says I need to break through that, and if I'm not able to then I need to give him the time to work through his problems by himself. (ie. work, or family or us)

 

Men want women who are really affectionate, right?

 

I went back to college full time this semester, for the first time in 12 years. I was so depressed about the fact that my life wasn't going anywhere, and it was affecting our relationship. I'd be talking about being depressed about my life, and he would take it personally. So I decided to take a leap and try getting my degree. We discussed it several times before I did. I asked how he would feel, if there were any problems he could forsee, what his feelings and opinions were on it. He said he was totally in support of it. If I wanted it then I should go for it, and he would support me in all ways possible. But then after a while, there's all these jokes about how all I'm doing is going to school, and how I have all this time to take long naps during the day, and do what ever I want. And how easy it is for me now. I tried to tell him these jokes made me feel like he thought I was just sleeping all day, and I don't feel supported emotionally when he says that. His reply was that he's just joking, and how I used to find his sarcastic humor funny. And how "of course" he's supportive of me, or he wouldn't be paying all the bills. And that he makes these jokes because he feels I'm unappreciative of how hard he works to be able to pay all the bills.

 

I get so many dischordant messages from him, then we get into an arguement, and then he tells me I'm taking everything he says wrong, I'm not listening, and that I don't understand him.

 

I appreciate the suggestion of giving him time, but we live together, and have for over a year now. So how do I give him space and time? He always escapes to his work when things are bad between us. I'm left festering at home. He won't say he loves me unless I say it first. He won't hug or kiss me unless I request it first. He won't even touch me now. I had to ask if I could hug him before he left today. Because if I didn't, then he definitely wouldn't and he'd take it as a sign that I didn't care. And last week I said I love you to him, he say's "oh yeah?" pause "neighbors left the door unlocked downstairs again." I was really hurt. Then as he's walking out the door he throws out "love you." real quick and short.

 

He say's it him giving and all I do is take. That it's not 50/50 but more like 70/30. I feel like a failure.

 

And my last question, he got mad at me at the restaurant last week, he felt I was being disrepectful of who he is, and he grabs the check and leaves. I had driven seperately, but I felt insulted. He just walked out on me. I get home a little later. He's not there. He didn't come back for 3 day's, didn't contact me until the following evening, and only through text message. I don't feel this behavior is acceptable. But at the same time, I understand that he is very independent minded, and he felt it was justifiable. He didn't stick me with the bill, and I wasn't left without a ride home. And we were both really upset so time to cool off may have been the most beneficial. So if you were in my situation, what would your reaction be? Am I crazy for putting up with this behavior??

[thegoodhubbie]

? Am I crazy for putting up with this behavior??

 

YES! GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!

[whichwayisup]

Look, he seems he expects you to be there for him, to listen to him and he's not doing the same for you. It's a give and take thing.

 

I'm just playing devils advocate, getting you to see things from a different angle, it doesn't mean I'm right or wrong. But I do feel he isn't giving you the same consideration, he isn't respecting you and to THREATEN to go outside of the relationship for sex is just WRONG! What is he doing to make you feel good about yourself and your body? Not too much, to me it seems he's giving you hangups about yourself...Making you feel less desirable and unsexy. To me, that's not a nice thing to do to someone you're supposed to love.

 

I get so many dischordant messages from him, then we get into an arguement, and then he tells me I'm taking everything he says wrong, I'm not listening, and that I don't understand him.

 

Yet he's not doing the same for you either. Couples therapy, if he's willing to go, could help here.

 

I appreciate the suggestion of giving him time, but we live together, and have for over a year now. So how do I give him space and time? He always escapes to his work when things are bad between us. I'm left festering at home. He won't say he loves me unless I say it first. He won't hug or kiss me unless I request it first. He won't even touch me now. I had to ask if I could hug him before he left today. Because if I didn't, then he definitely wouldn't and he'd take it as a sign that I didn't care. And last week I said I love you to him, he say's "oh yeah?" pause "neighbors left the door unlocked downstairs again." I was really hurt. Then as he's walking out the door he throws out "love you." real quick and short.

 

He seems like a control freak. He'll only say I love you if you say it first?? WTF is that? Real mature.

 

He say's it him giving and all I do is take. That it's not 50/50 but more like 70/30. I feel like a failure.

 

Which is why YOU need to decide if he is right for YOU, not if you are right for him. PUT you first. What does he do for you? Make a list of all the wonderful things you love about him. Then make another list of all the negative things and how he makes you feel. Both when he's nice and when he's being a s***head.

 

And my last question, he got mad at me at the restaurant last week, he felt I was being disrepectful of who he is, and he grabs the check and leaves. I had driven seperately, but I felt insulted. He just walked out on me. I get home a little later. He's not there. He didn't come back for 3 day's, didn't contact me until the following evening, and only through text message. I don't feel this behavior is acceptable. But at the same time, I understand that he is very independent minded, and he felt it was justifiable. He didn't stick me with the bill, and I wasn't left without a ride home. And we were both really upset so time to cool off may have been the most beneficial. So if you were in my situation, what would your reaction be? Am I crazy for putting up with this behavior??

 

Only you know when to say enough. I can be totally objective and tell you what I think, give you some advice, but it's up to you to decide. Me? I personally wouldn't put up with somebody who treated me like that. Someone who got pissed off, left me at a restaurant and didn't come home for 3 days, then would give me an email or IM? WTF???

 

One can be independant. One can have moods and be angry. But it's the way he's handling it that is so wrong...And also how you react to it.

[Annacabana]

I also agree that you should get out of this relationship. A good relationship is uplifting and makes you feel good about yourself and the one you love. You deserve so much better.

[Walk]

I'm not saying he never say's I love you first. It's just that lately, or at least the last few weeks, there's been no profession of love. Oh, except in a text message saying he still loves me but feels really lost.

 

It's just that it's like this is two different people and two different relationships I'm trying to describe to you. The one where we're getting along, he's the most loving, wonderful man. Opens doors for me, hugs me, wants to be with me. He'll ditch friends for me, or take me along with him. He's proud of me and who I am. He'll remember one small comment I made about wanting to see an exhibit in a museum one time, and he'll save up the money and surprise me with a trip there. (which ended up costing a ton, after dinner, parking, gifts, etc.) All because he wanted to show me he loves me.

 

Then there's these times. We fight and nothing we do is right. And he closes off emotionally, and I follow suit. And he doesn't care that I aced the last two tests in class. Or that I'm safe when he knows I don't get home from class until after dark. It's like he couldn't care less whether I was here or not anymore. I guess he doesn't really. Maybe he is just waiting for me to end the relationship. So he won't be the "bad guy".

 

I keep thinking if I try harder, listen harder, understand better, do more... Maybe I can turn this around. Maybe if I'm strong enough we can work this out? But i don't feel very strong, and I've lost the conviction that this is able to be worked out. And if neither of us believes it can be, then it won't be.

 

I feel hurt to by all this, and he doesn't seem to feel I have any right to be hurt. Then he'll say that he understands it's not my fault, that I'm not a bad person, that he knows I don't do things to hurt him intentionally. He said it's probably both of our faults, but that he doesn't know where to go from here. And then the more he talked about all the stuff wrong, the more upset he got, until he finally just say's "this isn't getting us anywhere, I'm going to bed." I said maybe 3 things in the 4 hours he was talking. Not because I have nothing to say, but he doesn't give me much space to say anything.

 

And I promised myself last night that if he decided not to come home again tonight that I was leaving for good. His staying away isn't solving anything. At least if he's here we have an opportunity to try and work on things. At the very least just reconnect with little things, like dinner together and seeing how the day went. But he feels that by doing that then I'm just glossing over the problems and I'm forgetting them. I thought if we could come back into touch a little then we could talk more clearly. Then again... he came home last night, and he acted as if I were his enemy instead of someone he loves. Almost a physical vibe of "stay away from me" coming off him. Then he says I have to show him I love him and want to be with him.

 

*sigh*

[whichwayisup]

Then take a break from him and the relationship. Take that time to sort out your feelings. Who knows? Maybe you'll find that you're happier without him. Or maybe you giving him space and concentrating on you will make him see what he could be throwing away...

 

Hang in there, and Keep posting!

[Walk]

All of you have been great. I'm glad I found this board. I don't feel so completely alone in the entire world. At least not so much.

 

I think I'll go work on that list that was suggested. And find somewhere to live for a while. I feel very unappreciated. Maybe if I stop catering to him he'll realize what he had. And if he doesn't then I guess we weren't going to make it anyway.

 

It's sad though. We are so much alike in so many ways. And I have never, in my entire life, laughed so much as I have with him. And then suddenly it's gone, and it seems as if it's over miscommunications. Something that could've and should've been avoided.

 

Thank you again.

 

If anyone else has suggestions, I'd love to hear them. I'm worn out, and feel pretty beaten up over this.

[Horse]

I say try to be nice, but give him some space and time to get over whatever is bothering him. It still sounds like he is withdrawn because of some past situation that completely frustrated him.

 

If you seriously attempt to force him to re-engage before he is ready, it will most likely just annoy him more.

 

 

It also seems like you two have a lot of communication issues. Whatever the problem is, it should have been addressed before he got this frustrated.

[Horse]

I say try to be nice, but give him some space and time to get over whatever is bothering him. It still sounds like he is withdrawn because of some past situation that completely frustrated him.

 

If you seriously attempt to force him to re-engage before he is ready, it will most likely just annoy him more.

 

 

It also seems like you two have a lot of communication issues. Whatever the problem is, it should have been addressed before he got this frustrated.

[clandestinidad]

Oh my God...I have so much to say about this...its all rushing through my brain....

 

I BEG you to please get out of this relationship NOW!!!! You absolutely MUST! This guy is showing signs of a real psycho, and it will only get worse. I'm so scared and sad for you, that he has completely beaten you down emotionally, and manipulated you so much to the point where you really do think/wonder if something is wrong with YOU!!!

 

He turns every situation on YOU. He isnt there for you emotionally or physically. He tells you veerrry specific things to do for him, but then turns around and has a hissy fit about it all!!! There is SO much wrong with this guy, I cant even believe it!

 

He is killing your spirit. He is doing it on purpose. He is controlling you and your mind. He is making you go to the ends of the earth for him, and then complaining about it! Nothing you do will EVER be right in his eyes, or good enough....no matter what you do. No matter if you make him 3 delicious meals a day (which he'd schedule on sunday for the rest of the week), keep the coffee going, lay out all of his clothes for him, wash/dry/iron/dry clean everything to his specifications (which he'd probably give you a lecture about, making you think you really ARE stupid), feed the kids what he tells you to, treat the kids how he wants you to (which leads me to the fact that having kids with a man like this would be DISASTROUS)....etc etc. I think you get my point here.

 

Leave him. He does not honor you, and never will. You must expect more for yourself than this!!! You cannot ever marry this man...he is pushing you down and killing you

[clandestinidad]

Alright...I copied/pasted this (from pw2.netcom.com/~arrowblu/abuse.html) obviously, each one of these dont have to exist for it to be abusive. I highlighted the things I picked up from your other posts...let me know if other things exist along with these.

 

Signs of Emotional Abuse:

 

 

1. 'Jeckel and Hyde behavior': Your partner is wonderful and caring for a while and then will do an about face and be angry about things that they thought were fine at an earlier time. They switch back and forth between behaviors for no apparent reason.

 

2. 'Life Would be so Good If': You frequently think that your relationship would be perfect if not for his or her emotional storms. The storms seem to be coming more and more frequently. Between times, life is wonderful, but when a storm is coming you can often tell by that 'Walking on Eggs Feeling'.

 

3. 'That Walking On Eggs Feeling': You feel at times that any action on your part will cause your partner to erupt into anger. You try to do everything you can think of to avoid it, but the longer the feeling goes on, the more likely the blowup will happen, no matter what you do.

 

4. 'I Can't Stand You, But You Better Not Leave': Your partner keeps telling you that you aren't worth having a relationship with, but will not consider breaking off the relationship. Acts more outrageously when he or she finds out you are attempting to leave the relationship.

 

5. 'So Much, So Fast': Your partner just met you and doesn't know much about you, but he or she has to have you, so you must commit now.

 

6. 'It's You That's the Problem': Your partner never seems to consider his or her own part in your domestic disputes. You get blamed for all problems because of the most ridiculous things.

 

7. 'This Happened to Me and It's All Your Fault': You are blamed for your partners problems even when it was his or her responsibility to not make mistakes. This could be things like him or her not getting to work on time and getting in trouble, not getting a job, not paying the bills in a timely manner, etc.

 

8. 'It's Their Fault': Your partner is never the cause of his own problems, if it's not your fault, it was somebody else's.

 

9. 'Overreacting': Your partner way overreacts to little irritations. Small offenses like leaving the cap off the toothpaste cause him or her to have huge anger scenes or act out in an outrageous manner.

 

10. 'I Will Get You for That': Your partner doesn't try to negotiate a better relationship, but retaliates by doing something to you that he or she knows will hurt you emotionally.

 

11. 'All the Fights are about What I Do Wrong': You never seem to be able to talk about his or her wrong actions, the discussion seems to always be about what you did wrong and there seems to be always something new that you did wrong.

 

12. 'You are Worthless': Your partner keeps telling you that all your problems are because you can't manage to do anything right.

 

13. 'Unrealistic Expectations': Your partner is dependent on you for all his/her needs and expects you to be the perfect mate, lover and friend. You are expected to meet all of his/her needs.

 

14. 'Blames Others for His/Her Feelings': You are told, "You make me mad," "you're hurting me by not doing what I ask,: or "I can't help being angry".

 

15. 'Intense Jealousy': Your partner tells you that expressing jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity not love. You are questioned about who you talk to and you may frequently receive calls or unexpected visits during the day.

 

16. 'Isolation': He or She have attempted to cut off your family, friends, and independent financial resources. Your friends and family are put down and you are put down for socializing with them. You or they are accused of ridiculous motives.

 

 

 

Abusive people have problems with handling anger. They try to control their environment with aggressive behavior, not assertive behavior.

 

Aggressive behavior is characterized by:

 

Asserting his or her own rights at the expense of others. Engages in inappropriate outbursts or badly overreacts. Intent is to humiliate or to get even, to put down others. Feels superior to others. Verbal behavior of interrupting, threats, uses name calling, demands, put-downs - judgmental. Saves up anger and resentment and uses them to justify later blowups.

 

Assertive behavior is characterized by:

 

Standing up for legitimate rights in a way that does not violate rights of others. Emotionally honest, direct, expressive. Works to enhance self. Confident, feels good about him or herself now and later. Verbal behavior of direct statements, "I" statements (I think, I feel, I want). Speaks in cooperative terms (let's, how can we). Statements of interest (what do you think?). Values him or herself and others, needs are met. Owns his or her own behavior

 

 

More from another source (lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/)

 

One aspect of emotional abuse is that it eventually brainwashes the victim.

THE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING

(MIND CONTROL)

 

1. The brainwasher keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.

 

Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.

 

2. The brainwasher controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except the brainwasher.

 

Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends. Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.

 

3. The brainwasher creates in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency.

 

Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.

 

4. The brainwasher works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.

 

Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself.

 

5. The brainwasher puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.

 

In other words -- What he says, goes.

[Walk]

He's definitely aggressive attitude toward his family, but then again, his older brother is a leech and a user. He has a God complex, which he'll admit to. He came from a terrible family. He's had a million relationships that never lasted more than a year, except for one, but they broke up often and would get back together. (Which he makes a point of saying will NOT be the case if we break up)

 

He's never called me names, or comes out and says "hey idiot, I told you such and such". It's just that's the way it comes across to me. And he doesn't say I don't do anything for him, but he gets so hung up on what I don't do that it begins to seem to me as if everything else was wasted time on my part. I say "so everything I did meant nothing" he'll say, "no, they just weren't the things I had asked for." All fairly calmly.

 

I can tell when a 'blow up' will happen by his mood, but he believes it is because when he is moody and withdrawn I then force the issue about what's wrong instead of just leaving him alone. 'Course now, I ask if he wants time alone, and then when he implies he does I get out of his way. Lately even that has bugged him, because now he say's he's caught between a rock and a hard spot because by wanting time alone I get upset with him. I've tried not to, but he's so distant. He treats me like I'm not there when he's like that, and it hurts my feelings. It'll have been a week since I saw him last, and he when he finally gets home he wants to stare at the wall all night. So I end up feeling like I must be too needy.

 

And those moods he gets in always end up bad for us. Only once was I able to get his mind off it before it came down to an argument between us.

 

He say's that I'm an emotional roller coaster. That he can't handle the up's and down's all the time. I asked him if he fought with his past g/f's this much. He said no, but that when ever a problem came up he told me he wouldn't even attempt to work it out, he just walked away from the whole relationship. My previous relationship lasted 9 years, and we Never argued this much. Not til the very end of it anyway, and that was my doing. This relationship I don't understand.

 

He say's he's not blaming me for all of "our" problems, but that he doesn't understand what is wrong. However, he'll go on and on about why he feels I've wronged him. Then he'll say he's not mad at me, that I've done nothing wrong, I'm a good person... Then he's back to "how could you do (this)" Like get angry at him because he made some jokes at my expense. He say's he makes those jokes to release animosity at the situation. That if he didn't feel unappreciated he wouldn't make those jokes. That if I actually heard what he said, then he wouldn't be forced to resort to "jokes" to try to address the situation. He never says I'm wrong for feeling hurt. He say's instead that I never used to get upset by his "jokes", that I used to find his humor funny. And asks why I've changed.

 

He encourages me to go see my family. He doesn't like to go though. He encourages my hobbies. But my hobbies are writing, playing guitar, and running. They are all pretty solitary. I don't have any close friends, but I haven't most my life, and it doesn't have anything to do with him. He has been supportive of my going to see my one friend, but I make sure that we don't go to the bar, or do anything that could be questionable.

 

But one time he blew up at me in public. I was humiliated. He was mad because he'd been sleeping (which he's asked me over and over again to not disturb him) and I went out. Saw his brother, sat and talked to him, then b/f calls and asks what I'm doing. I tell him. He gets upset. By the time he gets to the place, his first words are an outburst of "how could I?", "what were you thinking?" etc. etc. I finally ran out of the place, balling my eyes out. he didn't care, he was pissed at me.

 

But then there have been times when whatever I want is mine. If I want to go bike riding, he goes to the store buys a bike, and bike rack for the car, just so we can go bike riding together. He'll leave messages on voice mail saying he's just thinking of me, and how great I am. He never yells, never calls me names, never threatens me physically. The only threats are the ones that he could get any woman he wants. and when I asked him about this he say's it's to remind him that he doesn't want those other women. He only wants me. I've tried explaining it bothers me when he says this stuff, but I don't think he understands how much it does. I'm not very good face to face with people. I can write great. But put me in an actual "argument" and I get all choked up, my heart feels like it's going to explode out of my chest, and my brain shuts off. He remembers dates and times to a T, I don't remember last week! How can I say he's wrong when I have no facts to back up my argument??? How can I make him see that what he's saying is skewed, when I have no proof to give him?? I say this is how I feel, and he says it's not logical.

 

Does it still sound abusive to you? It's not the full picture, but maybe you can see through the lines some....

[clandestinidad]

yes, I'm sorry to say, and I know that right now you might not understand b/c youre in the middle of it all....HE IS ABUSING YOU

 

I'll go through everything you've typed in order to give you adequate examples:

 

1.He has a few variations on the theme of how I'm not doing enough to arouse him on a perpetual basis. He's said that I don't add enough variation to our sex life, that some things we do are done so sporadically they might as well not be done at all (oral), and that he feels that I'm not actually having sex because I want to but because he wants me to. In addition to these, he then says that I don't try to keep the level of arousal going through the day, all day.

 

2.And then when I tried to initiate sex later that evening, he turns me down

 

3.The last few months I have tried everything I can think of, from different outfits of lingeria (sp?), to positions, and different ways to "spice up" our sex life. The harder I try, the more he tells me he doesn't like it. So I stop trying, and then he tells me that I'm not keeping our sex life alive. He wants me to tease him throughout the day, be sexually forward with him and keep it on his mind all the time

 

4.He says its my job to bring us close again

 

5.He say's its not the same as it used to be and that I changed

 

6.He told me that if I want the cuddling and hugging, then I need to find a way to reestablish the "physical intimace" again. ie. make him want me

 

7.I don't feel special, or wanted, or loved. But discussing it with him, he tells me that to get that back I need to keep him aroused.

 

8.I feel like I'm walking a tight rope. Everything I do turns out wrong. The harder I try the more upset he becomes with me. When things are good, they are so amazingly good.

 

9.But I can't even get him to kiss me on his own before he leaves for the week.

 

10.I have no idea what I'm doing wrong, or where to go, or how to go about it. I am so confused now. Oh, and to round things off, he tells me Sunday night that if we aren't headed toward marriage, then we shouldn't be wasting our times.

 

11.And he's told me what he wants me to do, almost down to a T. Problem is, there are lots of stipulations on when, how, etc. I can't do it before he has a shower, can't do it too late in the evening, can't do it before dinner... And I'm uncomfortable doing it in the first place, and the few times I'd tried previously, it turned out badly.

 

12.He say's he's given me enough time, and now it's too little, too late. (He rejected me everytime I've done it.) He say's I'm only doing it because I'm afraid I'll lose him, and I'm not doing it because I want to. (Well, I don't want to.) He say's he doesn't want me to do it if I'm only doing it because I feel forced or cohersed to do it. (But I do.)

 

13.He feels that I'm not giving as much to the relationship as he is, because he believes he fulfills all my needs by buying me stuff, and yet I won't do this one thing he's asked of me. 3.) He feels that I won't talk to him, but when I do he gets more upset with me. 4.) He believes that I'm only in love with the being in love

 

14.I've tried explaining I only wanted him to hug and kiss me, instead of buying me gifts, but he turned it back around to he'd do it if I gave him more of what he had asked for.

 

15.I've explained that he dominates our conversations and won't give me time to speak.

 

16.He was cold and distant all evening.

 

17.I'm trying really hard to be less stressful to him. I listened to him vent about his job, had gotten his "lounging" clothes set out for him, made sure I had coffee going so he could have a fresh cup when he got home. He asked if I wanted dinner, and I suggested fast food. He say's I hate fast food and I'm only changing to make him happy. Is that wrong of me to do? To think, hey this makes him happy, I'd like to do it? He say's that anything I do now he'll believe I'm only doing it to make him happy.

 

18.At the end of his 3 hour "rant" he say's he's going to bed. Stands up and asks if I have any final comments. I ask why he's so angry with me. He say's he's angry because when I was trying to initiate sex and I didn't say I wanted to do it for "us". That I only used the words "I", and "me". (I had told him I wanted to have sex because I wanted to with him, because it would get his mind off work, and because I wanted to.)

 

19.Nothing I do works. I feel like he sabotaged the evening, then blamed it on me. I'm so frustrated. I feel like a head case

 

20.He won't be home for several days now, (if at all) and he's saying it's because I've made it so uncomfortable for him here.

 

21.He tells me that maybe we shouldn't have sex for a while, 'til we get our problems worked out. But if it takes too long, he's probably going to be forced to look for sex elsewhere because he's a man and men can't go without sex forever.

 

22.Tell me if I'm just messed in the head??

 

23.One of these supposed wrong doings of mine were because he had asked me to attempt to be more sexually oriented when he first gets home from being gone all week. So I go pick him up on a Friday dressed in a skimpy dress and sexy underwear. We get home, I suggest he take a shower, but he doesn't want to yet. "later" he says. So I climb on his lap and I'm flirting with him. Try to get in his pants, and he tells me no. (He's told me I have to keep trying sometimes because I can't get discourage and quit just because he says no once.) I try again. He starts asking me questions as to why I wrote a sexually oriented coupon book if I didn't mean it. But I did mean it. He questions my desire for him. Finally I just get off his lap because obviously this isn't headed anywhere good. 4 hours later, he's done talking, decides to take a long walk, then comes home a few hours later and sleeps on the couch.

Turns out, he was mad at me because I didn't let him have a shower before attempting to initiate sex

 

24.He feels this is an example of my not taking him wants into consideration. That I just do what I want to do, and however I want to do it. Not what he would want, or like.

 

25.I apologized, I feel like I groveled for fogiveness, I know I won't do that again. But he's still upset about it.

 

26.Was I wrong? Did I just do whatever I wanted and not take his needs into consideration???

 

27.What if I'm just being too thin skinned about what he say's? He say's that I need to take what he say's with a grain of salt when he's stressed out. He's asked me to have more compassion for what he's going through right now. To be more forgiving.

 

28.If you listened to it from his point of view he'd tell you that I over react, that I take his words wrong. He believes that if I were more physically affectionate (and not just sex) that he wouldn't feel so distant from me. But when I try to tell him that I feel like he closes off to me, like I can't touch him, then he says I need to break through that, and if I'm not able to then I need to give him the time to work through his problems by himself.

 

29.I get so many dischordant messages from him, then we get into an arguement, and then he tells me I'm taking everything he says wrong, I'm not listening, and that I don't understand him.

 

30.He won't say he loves me unless I say it first. He won't hug or kiss me unless I request it first. He won't even touch me now. I had to ask if I could hug him before he left today. Because if I didn't, then he definitely wouldn't and he'd take it as a sign that I didn't care. And last week I said I love you to him, he say's "oh yeah?" pause "neighbors left the door unlocked downstairs again." I was really hurt. Then as he's walking out the door he throws out "love you." real quick and short.

 

31.He say's it him giving and all I do is take

 

32.He didn't come back for 3 day's, didn't contact me until the following evening, and only through text message.

 

33.I'm not saying he never say's I love you first. It's just that lately, or at least the last few weeks, there's been no profession of love. Oh, except in a text message saying he still loves me but feels really lost.

 

34.The one where we're getting along, he's the most loving, wonderful man. Opens doors for me, hugs me, wants to be with me. He'll ditch friends for me, or take me along with him. He's proud of me and who I am. He'll remember one small comment I made about wanting to see an exhibit in a museum one time, and he'll save up the money and surprise me with a trip there. (which ended up costing a ton, after dinner, parking, gifts, etc.) All because he wanted to show me he loves me.

 

35.I keep thinking if I try harder, listen harder, understand better, do more... Maybe I can turn this around. Maybe if I'm strong enough we can work this out

 

36.he doesn't seem to feel I have any right to be hurt. Then he'll say that he understands it's not my fault, that I'm not a bad person, that he knows I don't do things to hurt him intentionally. He said it's probably both of our faults, but that he doesn't know where to go from here. And then the more he talked about all the stuff wrong, the more upset he got, until he finally just say's "this isn't getting us anywhere, I'm going to bed." I said maybe 3 things in the 4 hours he was talking. Not because I have nothing to say, but he doesn't give me much space to say anything.

 

37.But he feels that by doing that then I'm just glossing over the problems and I'm forgetting them

 

38.he came home last night, and he acted as if I were his enemy instead of someone he loves. Almost a physical vibe of "stay away from me" coming off him. Then he says I have to show him I love him and want to be with him.

 

39.He has a God complex, which he'll admit to.

 

40.He's never called me names, or comes out and says "hey idiot, I told you such and such".

 

41.And he doesn't say I don't do anything for him, but he gets so hung up on what I don't do that it begins to seem to me as if everything else was wasted time on my part. I say "so everything I did meant nothing" he'll say, "no, they just weren't the things I had asked for." All fairly calmly.

 

42.I can tell when a 'blow up' will happen by his mood, but he believes it is because when he is moody and withdrawn I then force the issue about what's wrong instead of just leaving him alone. 'Course now, I ask if he wants time alone, and then when he implies he does I get out of his way. Lately even that has bugged him, because now he say's he's caught between a rock and a hard spot because by wanting time alone I get upset with him. I've tried not to, but he's so distant. He treats me like I'm not there when he's like that, and it hurts my feelings. It'll have been a week since I saw him last, and he when he finally gets home he wants to stare at the wall all night. So I end up feeling like I must be too needy.

 

43.He say's that I'm an emotional roller coaster. That he can't handle the up's and down's all the time

 

44.I asked him if he fought with his past g/f's this much. He said no, but that when ever a problem came up he told me he wouldn't even attempt to work it out, he just walked away from the whole relationship. My previous relationship lasted 9 years, and we Never argued this much....Not til the very end of it anyway, and that was my doing

 

45.He say's he's not blaming me for all of "our" problems, but that he doesn't understand what is wrong. However, he'll go on and on about why he feels I've wronged him. Then he'll say he's not mad at me, that I've done nothing wrong, I'm a good person... Then he's back to "how could you do (this)" Like get angry at him because he made some jokes at my expense. He say's he makes those jokes to release animosity at the situation. That if he didn't feel unappreciated he wouldn't make those jokes. That if I actually heard what he said, then he wouldn't be forced to resort to "jokes" to try to address the situation. He never says I'm wrong for feeling hurt. He say's instead that I never used to get upset by his "jokes", that I used to find his humor funny. And asks why I've changed

 

46.But my hobbies are writing, playing guitar, and running. They are all pretty solitary. I don't have any close friends, but I haven't most my life, and it doesn't have anything to do with him. He has been supportive of my going to see my one friend, but I make sure that we don't go to the bar, or do anything that could be questionable.

 

47.But one time he blew up at me in public. I was humiliated. He was mad because he'd been sleeping (which he's asked me over and over again to not disturb him) and I went out. Saw his brother, sat and talked to him, then b/f calls and asks what I'm doing. I tell him. He gets upset. By the time he gets to the place, his first words are an outburst of "how could I?", "what were you thinking?" etc. etc. I finally ran out of the place, balling my eyes out. he didn't care, he was pissed at me.

 

48.But then there have been times when whatever I want is mine. If I want to go bike riding, he goes to the store buys a bike, and bike rack for the car, just so we can go bike riding together. He'll leave messages on voice mail saying he's just thinking of me, and how great I am. He never yells, never calls me names, never threatens me physically. The only threats are the ones that he could get any woman he wants. and when I asked him about this he say's it's to remind him that he doesn't want those other women. He only wants me

 

49.I say this is how I feel, and he says it's not logical.

 

Dang it, its not an even 50.....anyway, if I should address each of these quotes, and how they are abusive please let me know....seriously. I just didnt want to make this particular post too long, ya know?? But I'll be happy to go more into it in another reply....I might do it in a little while anyway, whether or not you ask me to....b/c I really think you need to hear the truth

[Walk]

How much of this is because of my problems. I know I'm not the epitome of sanity sometimes. I think I see what you are saying. But then there are a lot of other things going on too. The one theme I have running through every relationship I've ever had is a problem with communicating. Usually because of me. I know this is true.

 

He did come home last night.

 

After working all day, he still ran to the store and picked up some stuff we needed. Then he cooked us dinner and had it ready for me when I got out of class last night. He wasn't affectionate, but he wasn't so distant.

 

I'll figure it out....

[lost_in_chgo]

nothing to figure out.

This isn't your problem, it's his.

 

You need to step away from this for awhile.

It sounds like you are communicating or trying to so don't blame yourself.

He does sound abusive.

 

You need to consider if you want you entire life to be like this.

[Walk]

Also the monthly arguments... Could those have anything to do with PMS? That's not a joke. It took me a while to learn how to recognize and deal with my wifes monthly moodiness. That was and still is the only time we really argue.

 

My SO tells me last night that he knows "to the day" when we'll have an argument. "Every 28 days like clockwork." He said. I honestly didn't correlate it, but looking back, every argument does fall within that time frame. Every major argument that is. What do I do about it?

 

Also, the "verbal abuse" issue. Not sure I'm buying it yet. I'm watching, and attempting to see this from a unbiased position. I've heard worse from ex's, and my parents. Neither of them were abusive. Simply because someone tells you something that you take as hurtful, is it verbal abuse? Why? If I told my SO that I was less then excited in bed but I loved him and wanted to keep the excitment, because I know that if it isn't there then I will start looking elsewhere... is that abusive? Or honest? Or both? I don't believe there's an easy nice way to tell someone something like that. No matter how hard you try to sugar coat it, if you want the issue resolved, then you need to say the truth. Isn't that correct?