B/F says not aroused by me anymore.. help?

[Outcast]

It has nothing to do with him saying something you take as hurtful and everything to do with the fact that he blames you for everything wrong in his life and you suck it all up and believe it.

 

Look, this is a horrible relationship and if you don't get that, you, too, are in trouble. He BADLY needs counselling so he can take responsibility for his issues. Tell him to get to a counsellor - with or without you - or you are gone.

 

There is no way in the world that his issues are all your fault and the sad, sad case is that he has knocked you down and blamed you so much that you believe everything he says. Those are all the signs of an abused woman.

 

People are responsible for their own feelings. Period.

 

Now go to wherever he is and tell him that you will not put up with the blame for one second more, that he's got big problems, and that he needs to get counselling or you are out of there. This is no way to live. Read those lists of abuse again. You conveniently glossed over all the bits that do apply to you and said that one or two don't. Quit making excuses for him. NOBODY SHOULD BE LIVING THE WAY YOU LIVE.

[whichwayisup]

There is something wrong when your partner makes you feel bad most of the time.

 

If a friend treated you like s*** all the time - Wouldn't you not keep intouch with that person? If your mom/dad did the same thing, you prob. would choose not to spend alot of time with them, right? I know I would. So, what about your man? He is doing you so wrong, making YOU feel bad about you and you don't deserve it. He needs help badly yet he can't see past his nose as he thinks 'everything' wrong is your fault. It isn't.

 

Oh and the PMS thing? Sorry, doesn't cut it. If he knows that you have pms at times, he should shut his mouth and leave you alone...Being in your face (yes, I am assuming here) and making it worse doesn't make it OK.

 

Dump him before he ruins your life even more. Get some therapy and be happy with you. You don't need this guy. He isn't worth it.

[Horse]

Originally posted by Walk

 

 

My SO tells me last night that he knows "to the day" when we'll have an argument. "Every 28 days like clockwork." He said. I honestly didn't correlate it, but looking back, every argument does fall within that time frame. Every major argument that is. What do I do about it?

 

Also, the "verbal abuse" issue. Not sure I'm buying it yet. I'm watching, and attempting to see this from a unbiased position. I've heard worse from ex's, and my parents. Neither of them were abusive. Simply because someone tells you something that you take as hurtful, is it verbal abuse? Why? If I told my SO that I was less then excited in bed but I loved him and wanted to keep the excitment, because I know that if it isn't there then I will start looking elsewhere... is that abusive? Or honest? Or both? I don't believe there's an easy nice way to tell someone something like that. No matter how hard you try to sugar coat it, if you want the issue resolved, then you need to say the truth. Isn't that correct?

 

There isn't much you can do besides recognize when you cross the line and appologize.

 

He has to learn how to deal with it.

 

He doesn't sound like an emotional abuser. It just sounds like he is immiture and tactless. He is making things worse for himself and for you by

1. Being bluntly honest when a little sugar coating would help.

2. Not recognizing when it's a bad time to bring something up.

 

but I kind of get the impression that if he posted here, the situation would sound very different. I would guess that he is upset and confused by your actions and his inability to deal with them.

 

Is this his first long term relationship?

[MJTig]

It doesn't sound as though you are ready to hear this, because you come back with an excuse for everything he does. Perhaps that is stuff he does, it sounds as though he makes problems everyone else's fault not his. In the end he needs to be accountible for his moods and his actions and his part in the lack of sex (and believe me, by belittling you and putting constant and unyielding requirements oon when where how, he has a huge part).

 

Hun, I worked in a domestic violence agency in Dating Violence department.

 

He is abusing you. He is starting the manipulation, control and twisting your words already. He already has you setting out clothes and tripping over yourself to make him happy and wants more while not returning it (and he says that's your fault too). I know its hard to accept, and I know you love him (because let's face it you said, and I bet- he was a wonderful guy at first) but if this is how he reacts to stress- think of all the other stressful times in life coming up. Getting married is stressful, having children is very stressful, any job changes, any sickness, any deaths. I fear for your emotional safety.

 

You want someone who supports you and loves you and works through problems. Not blames it on you and makes it impossible to work.

 

I have to say that either he is trying to break up with you because he wants something else, or is starting to see if he can control you.

 

Tread carefully and pleeeeeeeeease talk to someone in your life about this. Take the almost-50 list that was given and check in with a friend who you trust.

[MJTig]

Originally posted by Horse

There isn't much you can do besides recognize when you cross the line and appologize.

 

He has to learn how to deal with it.

 

He doesn't sound like an emotional abuser. It just sounds like he is immiture and tactless. He is making things worse for himself and for you by

1. Being bluntly honest when a little sugar coating would help.

2. Not recognizing when it's a bad time to bring something up.

 

but I kind of get the impression that if he posted here, the situation would sound very different. I would guess that he is upset and confused by your actions and his inability to deal with them.

 

Is this his first long term relationship?

 

What else is she supposed to do? Lay down and let him walk all over her some more? She has tried to listen, she has tried to talk, HE WON'T LET HER. He won't let her have any say and only puts more and more restrictions on her.

 

HER INABLITIY TO DEAL WITH THEM? I consider myself a very smart mature woman and I would be at my wits end right now, and honestly? Out the door. She tried, he won't let her help. No matter what she does its too much to little too late too early too aggressive too passive too this too that.

 

One last thing... any time seems like a bad time to him. Because he seems to control who talks and who gets to have feelings in this relationship.

[Horse]

Originally posted by MJTig

 

 

What else is she supposed to do? Lay down and let him walk all over her some more? She has tried to listen, she has tried to talk, HE WON'T LET HER. He won't let her have any say and only puts more and more restrictions on her.

 

HER INABLITIY TO DEAL WITH THEM? I consider myself a very smart mature woman and I would be at my wits end right now, and honestly? Out the door. She tried, he won't let her help. No matter what she does its too much to little too late too early too aggressive too passive too this too that.

 

One last thing... any time seems like a bad time to him. Because he seems to control who talks and who gets to have feelings in this relationship.

 

 

She said she doesn't feel abused.

 

She wants to work this out for whatever reason.

 

We are only getting one side of the story.

 

She admits that she acts a little crazy in the relationship sometimes.

 

She has tried recently, but the underlying problem that made him shut down has been going on longer. He will either open back up on his own in time or the relationship will end.

 

Yeah, he is being a jerk, but it is just a defense mechanism.

 

Since she apparently wants to make it work, I was trying to give her a different perspective. And some ideas on how to deal with a guy who has withdrawn because he is upset.

 

But, I could be reading this wrong. it could be simple. She could be a sweetheart who is just hooked up with an abusive and emotionally retarded guy.

 

If that is truly the case then she needs to get away fom him.

 

Was he always this way?

[Walk]

She said she doesn't feel abused.

 

She wants to work this out for whatever reason.

 

We are only getting one side of the story.

 

She admits that she acts a little crazy in the relationship sometimes.

 

She has tried recently, but the underlying problem that made him shut down has been going on longer. He will either open back up on his own in time or the relationship will end.

 

Yeah, he is being a jerk, but it is just a defense mechanism.

 

Since she apparently wants to make it work, I was trying to give her a different perspective. And some ideas on how to deal with a guy who has withdrawn because he is upset.

 

But, I could be reading this wrong. it could be simple. She could be a sweetheart who is just hooked up with an abusive and emotionally retarded guy.

 

If that is truly the case then she needs to get away fom him.

 

Was he always this way?

 

Horse: I appreciate the support. I don't think it's so blatantly black and white as what some of the others are making it out to be. I obviously can't get him on here to give his side, and I'm not able to give it.... So you get half the story. I'm too emotionally involved to see the "truth", but I don't have anyone to talk to about it. My families pat response is "don't worry, it'll sort itself out." And I have a hard time trusting the judgements of others when they don't know him.

 

Now though... not sure if all my effort matters any more. His sex drive had been decreasing. There are several reasons for this. Stress from losing his job, money, family... He has hangups from past g/f's, and I made a comment while we were arguing that I'd be happy having sex twice a month. He took this to mean I didn't enjoy sex with him. I've tried to reassure him. I guess it didn't work.

 

Last Tuesday we had sex. I initiated. Then Thursday, I put on sexy lingerie (sp?), try to arouse him.... nothing. I was hurt and cried. I suck up my courage and try again Saturday morning. Went all out on it. Tried everything that has been proven to work in the past. Porn star material here, okay. And I'm not terribly comfortable with my sexuality, so it was quite a stretch of courage to attempt this for me. Nothing. He wouldn't look at me. Wouldn't touch me. I tried to make him. He gently pulls his hand away. Asks me to stop.

 

He says there's no desire for sex on his part. That he even tried looking at internet porn to see if he was just so beat up by "us", or what... He said that did nothing to him either. He doesn't want anyone else. That I embody all he's looked for in a SO. He hasn't wanted to masturbate in weeks, hasn't been horny, that it's been beaten out of him. He doesn't look at other women, or want anyone else. He still wants to be with me, spend time with me.

 

I feel like crap. Here's a guy that believes he's found the perfect woman, and I am able to wipe out all of his sexual desire, completely, in less then 20 months. What a catch he found! And no, he didn't make me like this. I'm like this, my ex said I'm messed up too. I was so humilitated though. I feel like I'm hideous. I can't stop crying. I'd finally gotten to the point where I was getting comfortable with my body, and now... I don't even want to look in the mirror.

 

What the h*ll do I do?? It's not a physical problem he's having. It's psychological for why he has no sex drive. Part of me thinks it'd be best if I left. Then make sure I NEVER date again. I'll just screw some other poor guys head all up. Maybe in a few months he'd find someone new and realize he is capable of having an erection, that it was just me. I've successfully taken away his manhood. awesome. Like he didn't have enough problems with losing his job, were supposed to move next weekend, we're both broke, and his best friend won't talk to him because of a stupid card game. Then I go and crush his identity as a man.

[Walk]

How are these emotionally abusive?

22.Tell me if I'm just messed in the head??

 

I'm not sure I'm not messed in the head. And I've wondered this long before I met this guy.

 

26.Was I wrong? Did I just do whatever I wanted and not take his needs into consideration???

I'm serious. If you told your SO that you didn't feel comfortable having sex without a shower after a long day at work, and he still tried to initate sex with you, wouldn't you be upset? I think he overreacted, but does that negate his right to be upset?

 

27.What if I'm just being too thin skinned about what he say's? He say's that I need to take what he say's with a grain of salt when he's stressed out. He's asked me to have more compassion for what he's going through right now. To be more forgiving.

Honest question. I tend to take things said in jest pretty seriously.

 

28.If you listened to it from his point of view he'd tell you that I over react, that I take his words wrong. He believes that if I were more physically affectionate (and not just sex) that he wouldn't feel so distant from me. But when I try to tell him that I feel like he closes off to me, like I can't touch him, then he says I need to break through that, and if I'm not able to then I need to give him the time to work through his problems by himself.

How is this wrong? I feel the same way a lot of the time.

 

34.The one where we're getting along, he's the most loving, wonderful man. Opens doors for me, hugs me, wants to be with me. He'll ditch friends for me, or take me along with him. He's proud of me and who I am. He'll remember one small comment I made about wanting to see an exhibit in a museum one time, and he'll save up the money and surprise me with a trip there. (which ended up costing a ton, after dinner, parking, gifts, etc.) All because he wanted to show me he loves me.

I'm not seeing "abusive" anywhere in this.. He's wonderful to me a lot of the time. He'd give me anything I asked for.

 

40.He's never called me names, or comes out and says "hey idiot, I told you such and such".

Again. Abusive? Because he doesn't call me names or yell at the top of his lungs? If he did, then he wouldn't be abusive?

 

43.He say's that I'm an emotional roller coaster. That he can't handle the up's and down's all the time

Who's to say I'm not? And if he feels this way, then who's to say he's wrong? Just because I understand why I act the way I do, doesn't mean it's clear to him.

 

46.But my hobbies are writing, playing guitar, and running. They are all pretty solitary. I don't have any close friends, but I haven't most my life, and it doesn't have anything to do with him. He has been supportive of my going to see my one friend, but I make sure that we don't go to the bar, or do anything that could be questionable.

This isn't abusive. I have never been the social butterfly. I enjoy spending time alone. I would rather sit at home and write then go to the bar with friends. Also, because of my past, lets just say that I don't trust myself out at the bar, drinking. He doesn't have a problem with it. However, I do.

 

48.But then there have been times when whatever I want is mine. If I want to go bike riding, he goes to the store buys a bike, and bike rack for the car, just so we can go bike riding together. He'll leave messages on voice mail saying he's just thinking of me, and how great I am. He never yells, never calls me names, never threatens me physically. The only threats are the ones that he could get any woman he wants. and when I asked him about this he say's it's to remind him that he doesn't want those other women. He only wants me

'Cause he said he could get other women but doesn't want any of them? He follows this with "you could get any man you want. Someone much more handsome, more sucessful, richer....." And say's he points this out to because he's trying to say we could both be with someone else, but that we are with each other, not other people. And we need to appreciate that.

 

So, please explain how these are abusive.

 

My confidence was in the dust long before I met this man. I know this, and it's actually gotten better then it had been.

[Horse]

Don't take it personally.

 

It sounds like he is depressed.

 

It's not about you.

 

 

I have to deal with my wife not being in the mood all the time. If I took it personally (as rejection) I would be a wreck.

 

I do sometimes, and it does mess me up, but I try not to.

 

Maybe he could see someone about his depression?

[wizdom]

I don't really see you benefiting from this relationship. He isn't taking you seriously. i honestly think that he does want to end it and is trying and saying everthing in his power to make you leave but your not getting the hint so he keeps putting exceptional demands on you that he won't allow you to meet.

 

Are you with him just because he is paying all the bils and you don't feel you can support yourself? If not leave or at least take some time away from him let him see that your not going to keep trying to no avail or put up with his immature behvior. If you two only see each other twice a week an you argue like that what do you think a marriage would be like or even him being home more often.

 

It kind of seems as though he might be cheating. Is he a trucker if not are you sure when he's gone all week is he working? Do you think he could be cheating.

 

My suggestion is for you to concentrate on school get your degree so you can support yourself.

 

Just an FWI you are not messed up in the head you seem to be sweat and caring and willing to do anything for your man. Most men would die for a chick like you that was willing to do anything exspecially in the bedroom. He doesn't realize what he has but he will when he looses it.

[RecordProducer]

He is sleeping with someone else. I gurantee you.

 

Any financial reason he might want to marry you for?

[Walk]

He isn't cheating. I know for a fact. And no financial reasons for him to stay with me. I'm no heiress. I didn't enter the relationship with anything. (Lost everything in a divorce, and used everything I earned to pay off the lawyer fee's and credit card debit the ex racked up.)

 

I feel retarded for not being able to just say "that's it, I'm done" and leaving. Can I complain one last time... then wednesday when he goes back on the road I'll pack my stuff. This sucks. Only place I can think to go is the homeless shelter, til I can get a job. Frankly that place scares me. *sigh* Guess I've gone through worse, just hate going through it again.

 

So my complaint was: For a brief period he was really sexually excited in me again. Very complimentary on how I looked, extremely loving, and affectionate. Then it just went away... I tired initiating sex because I wanted that closeness. He makes sure that I'm satisfied, and then suggests I get dressed because it's cold. I attempt to pursuade him to allow me to satisfy him. I don't want to pressure him, I've had that done to me and I hate it. He wasn't interested, I tried again, still wasn't interested.. Instead of balling my eyes out, I tried so hard to pretend it wasn't a problem. That whenever he was willing, so would I be... etc. But he's not.

 

I bring this up to him last night. I said I was concerned with his lack of sexual desire for me. Felt he didn't want me, didn't find me exciting, and everything I was trying wasn't working. He say's "No offense or anything, but I've had plenty of women hold my (member) and it's not exciting to me anymore." He also said he had a lot on his mind concerning work, money, problems with his friends.... etc. That it wasn't me. That he still finds me attractive, but there's too much on his mind right now. Then he goes on to say it's partly because I forgot to pick up milk on the way home from my parents house the other day. And I let him down because I had promised that I would always hold steadfast in that aspect. (Making sure he had everything he needed so he could make coffee) And that he hadn't failed in anyway by buying me cigarettes ever week. (I started to say he has, but then recanted when he asked me if I wanted the conversation to be over, because he would walk if I was going to start in on the defensive reactions again.) Then immediately (seemed like) back to the "I'm not saying it's your fault, people forget, but it makes me question your desire to meet those needs I've told you about." And how it makes him feel as if he has to take care of himself, and it doesn't create a sense of "togetherness".

 

We were sitting on the couch last night after this conversation... and he asks me what I was thinking about. I lied, but I was wondering if I could actually follow through with killing myself. (and don't give me a bunch of sh*t for this.. something inside me won't let me do it.) Instead I ask him something about this new job, deflect it away from me. I feel so alone. Unwanted, unloved. And it's compounded by my family. I go to my SO for support, and instead I end up feeling pushed away.

 

And he tells me he isn't interested because I'm not being confident, and confidance is sexy. That if I'd just added more variation to our sex life like he'd asked long ago, then there wouldn't be a problem now. That if I had done those things he'd asked for, then we wouldn't be where we are now.

 

I want to confront him, one last time. Prove I did try, and frankly harder than anyone could be expected to. And that I am not the one at fault here! But he'll ask me to prove it. To list the things I've done for him. Then he'll pick everything apart until I see that I really wasn't as good as I thought I had been. Didn't do as much as I could've. Then he'll say how he's always been there financially for me, always met "my needs." If I say he hasn't, then he say's it's because I didn't tell him what my needs were, or that he can't fill my need for affection if I don't fill his sexual needs. It's a pointless battle, and I can't win. But I don't want to go out with a whimper, slink away as if I knew I was wrong. I'm not wrong! I treat him better then damn any women should have to for a man. I don't even care about his freaking money, or whether he paid for everything, or nothing. Why can't men figure that out?? I wanted emotional support, and loving affection. The hugs, the kisses, the "I love you's". What I get, "if you were more (this way) I'd be more like what you needed." Obviously after nearly 2 years he'd realize I'm not whatever the H*LL he's looking for and leave!! Not dole out small bits here and there to keep me with him. I'm really beginning to hate men. I'm going to turn into one of those male bashing women I can't stand.

 

What did I do to deserve this? Like my life hasn't been hard enough. All I wanted was someone who loved me for who I am. Someone who NEVER used the words, "you owe", or "I could have any one of 20 women here in a heartbeat who would be willing to do whatever I asked." Or who say's I'm not doing enough. I HATE MEN!!!

[clandestinidad]

I will say it again: HE IS ABUSIVE!!!! get out, get out, get out NOW!!!!

 

I am NOT making this up, girl! I know you cant see it right now, but he is manipulating the hell out of you and demanding rediculous feats of 'love' (which is actually complete submission of yourself, your spirit, your self-respect, and your desires) that NO ONE on this earth would be able to accomplish to his standards!!!!!!!

 

The fact that he apologizes and buys you things and makes you feel good for a few days just means that he knows how to string you along...typical abusive behavior.

 

I would almost feel better for you if he were hitting you or something, b/c abuse like that is plain to see and you'd leave in a heartbeat. But he's doing the brainwashing, spirit-killing, independance-killing, self-respect killing, dignity-destroying, total domination of you and youve been in it so long that you cant see it!!! he's brainwashed you so much that you agree with most of what he says! And THAT is scary in itself!

 

he is killing you. that is NOT love. he does not love you. he is not capable of truly loving ANYONE, and its not your fault at all! None of this is your fault, and deep down below everything he has said to you, YOU KNOW THIS!!! You know it for yourself that youve done everything right, and I know it too, and you dont need to diminish yourself by trying/fighting to prove it to him...god-complex people like that will never think anything is their fault (and even when they say that they messed up, or are sorry, they are being manipulative b/c they dont really mean that, theyre just trying to keep you there)!!!

 

you have a strong person inside of you, I know it. I can see it b/c youve been trying to make this work for 2 years, and youve been absolutely wonderful. Now you must let yourself be strong for YOURSELF and end this relationship ASAP. He will never consistantly be nice to you, respect you, cherish you, value you, adore you, pamper you, care for you, or anything. He does not have the ability to treat anyone like that, and you deserve sooo much better!! No matter what you do, he will always be like this.

 

now take your loving, caring, compassionate, selfless, adorable, funny, good-spirited, strong self out the door b/c you KNOW someone better is waiting for you (I know they are, and so do you)

[johan]

Whether it's abuse or not, it isn't fair at all. If he loved you, then he'd work with you. He is putting it all on you and doing nothing himself. To me that isn't love. It's closer to hate. Maybe it's abuse after all.

 

I think trying to play the devil's advocate is a bad move in this case, because the behavior is severe. Unless he's having some kind of psychotic episode and you know it for sure, I'd say you'll be much better off giving him tons of space. Maybe you never use the words "break up" but getting him out of your life is going to take the pressure off. Hopefully you'll be able to be objective about it all sooner or later, and you can re-evaluate what you have with him.

[RecordProducer]

He is possibly trying to make you leave. The proposal is probably a contra-coverage for his intentions. He wants you to be the one who leaves him, because you have no place to stay or a job.

 

If I were you, I would ask him nicely if he wants to break up and if that's the case, you should start looking for a job and a place to stay (perhaps you can move in with somebody and have a room for yourself and share costs with someone else).

 

He must be open about his intentions and you have to make him speak.

[clandestinidad]

sorry, but I wouldnt even bother asking him if he wants to break up, b/c he doesnt want to. people like him never want to lose the person they've been using, brainwashing, and hurting. more often than not, its b/c they have such a hard time finding someone else they can treat that way, and he's content with you putting up with it.

 

i like the advice of not using the words "break up", b/c this guy's scary to me. most people exhibiting the things that he has been act psychotic when the person tries to leave them or end the relationship. he will get extremely pissed off and crazy, and then will try to manipulate you by being extremely sweet and 'loving' and saying that he cant live without you.

 

do not listen to those things!! you'd be better off backing away somehow, and then having no contact. i'm scared for you, really. is there some place you can go? do you work? b/c maybe theres someone you can talk to at work, and live with for a short time...or the shelter you talked about, which would be much safer anyway.

 

also, I really dont know why some people arent picking up on the obviously major mentally/emotionally abusive things he says and does to you....maybe they havent studied it as much as I have, I dont know. But I picked up on HUGE ones, and I am telling you the truth about it...please leave this awful relationship sweetie