4 year relationship ended, dont know what i feel

[vurtne]

Dear All,

 

I am just a bit confused here and i don’t know what I truly feel.

Me and my ex were together for 4 years, we met when we were 18 and split up 1 month ago now at age 22.

 

We had a wonderful time all together but when she in September moved to another city to start studying I started to feel less and less for her and my feelings and attraction started to fade.

 

We saw each other max twice per month from September and she wanted me to move to this new city but I didn’t feel I could leave my friends and just go there without getting into university and without work just for her.

 

We always did a lot of fun things while together and had a great time, she knew I could not get into the university in the same city and I was probably going to start to study after this summer very far away from her.

 

Ofc I deeply cared about her but my interest just started to fade, in April she told me we needed to talk and she explained she had begun to lose feelings for me.

 

We met up and talked and I was a bit shocked that she felt this was, it was a very beautiful goodbye we just sat in the car for several hours and talked, there was no drama no games nothing it was just done, basically we have grown apart.

 

I said I did not want to give up on us and if she would be up to I could go to here city a bit more often, after all we have been together for 4 years and she always said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. This was something she didn’t want.

I did not beg or plead for her to be with me I just accepted that was what she wanted and I let it be.

 

I also asked if she had found someone else or gotten interested in someone else and it was because of that her feelings for me faded, she said “you know what I think about cheating, I would never do that to you”.

When she comes home she starts to text me that “if we are meant to be together eventually we will find our way back” and that she hopes we find our way back etc.

 

Is she saying this genuinly or is it just to make herself feel better?

 

 

She said she is sad because I am sad and that she was crying, I guess this was very hard for her as well.

 

She said that this was something of the worst that has happened in her whole life and that it hurts so much.

 

The next day we are at the same party I approach her and we just stand and hold each other I kiss her and I tell her I miss her, I ask her if she misses me and she says “you know I do”, while I stand there with her it feels so weird, I cannot feel anything it is all just so empty, like there is nothing there anymore.

 

 

We talk a bit during the following days and she asks if it is hard that she keeps contacting me.

 

I tell her “we have broken up, it becomes a bit double. We should probably lay low for a while and she tells me she understands.

 

The next day I am out and drink and I feel like complete ****, I uploaded some my story of me drinking and I actually drunk called her and she did not respond or text me back, I did not even know what I would say.

 

Now afterwards I am really happy that she did not respond as I think it would make me look like a loser.

I did not call her again or text her or anything.

 

She continuously liked all my photos I posted on Instagram after our breakup and maybe I tried to show her a little that I was “ok”, posting pictures with friends and going out a bit more dressing properly etc.

Also uploading a bit more mystorys on snapchats being active and just doing stuff, not wanting to show her that I am just sitting at home crying.

 

 

After not speaking at all to each other for 2.5 weeks I got a snapchat out of the blue with a selfie of her and just some nonsense text, why is she doing that? I just responded coldly as it was nothing to initiate a conversation.

 

What hurts me is that she just seems so OK with everything, like she doesn’t show she is sad at all.

 

Do you think she is grieving to just as I am?

 

I feel kinda ok to be honest I am just so worried that she has found someone else and that is the reason for breaking up, I feel a bit lost but I don’t feel in love with her. I looked at some of her pictures and I cannot say I am attracted to her anymore.

 

I guess I can say that I just feel like she left me, I never thought she would do that

Also it is very weird as all I want is her to just call me and saying that she made a terrible mistake and wants to take me back but in reality I really question myself if I would go back.

 

Is it just my ego? Because I truly don’t feel like my heart is broken maybe a little but not that much.

 

What do I do if I want it to be a possibility we can find our way back somehow? Just NC completely out of her life?

 

As for now i don't like her posts or watch her mystory's on spanchat anymore.

 

She is on vacation atm and uploaded one with text like "Loving life" this feels a bit punchy to me as she seems to be so happy without me....

 

What is it that i am feeling? And what should i do?

[elaine567]

You DO nothing.

She ended it and now she is moving on with her life.

The "love story" as far as she is concerned is over.

 

Grieve, heal and move on is my advice.

[Goodguy05]

Sounds more of an ego thing for u ur not in love wth her but can't bare the thought of her wth someone else? What's up wth that?

[vurtne]

Sounds more of an ego thing for u ur not in love wth her but can't bare the thought of her wth someone else? What's up wth that?

 

Yes indeed,

 

I guess it is more of the ego that she actually left me and i feel "dissed".

[vurtne]

Hi,

 

almost 2 months ago me and my ex broke up, basically we have grown apart and lost feelings for eachother.

 

I told her we should lay low for a while mostly because i felt i was an emotional wreck and i needed to heal.

 

We kept liking eachother instagram pictures etc and following eachother on snapchat she views all my ****.

 

After about 3 weeks she sends me a quite meaningless snapchat with nothing really to initiate discussion i just sent her something back and i got nothing more for like 3 weeks until last thursday.

 

Last Thursday she just sent me a picture of food like "blablabla in the making".

 

Is she trying to show now that she wants me to contact her or shall i just keep the silence as it is as she hasn't really invited to any conversation?

 

My guess is that she just could write something like "what are you up to" or something else if that what she wanted.

 

thx for any advice.

[Blanco]

Reading your other thread, two things stand out:

 

- This became a long-distance relationship.

- She was the one to say she was losing feelings.

 

You two are both young and it's likely that she misses your presence in her life. That isn't the same as missing you as a boyfriend. The distance thing, assuming it's still true, is an issue that has no easy fix. It sounded like you were either to relocate with her or have the relationship fizzle.

 

You're young enough that relocating wouldn't be a life-altering move in the same sense it would for someone who was already established with a career and family. Still, it's a big decision and not one I'm sure you should consider. Uprooting your life to rekindle a relationship that started during your teenage years isn't something that has high odds of working out in your favor.

 

I would remain silent unless you are truly OK with being her friend and being privy to any information about dates or new boyfriends that will inevitably come out.

[vurtne]

Reading your other thread, two things stand out:

 

- This became a long-distance relationship.

- She was the one to say she was losing feelings.

 

You two are both young and it's likely that she misses your presence in her life. That isn't the same as missing you as a boyfriend. The distance thing, assuming it's still true, is an issue that has no easy fix. It sounded like you were either to relocate with her or have the relationship fizzle.

 

You're young enough that relocating wouldn't be a life-altering move in the same sense it would for someone who was already established with a career and family. Still, it's a big decision and not one I'm sure you should consider. Uprooting your life to rekindle a relationship that started during your teenage years isn't something that has high odds of working out in your favor.

 

I would remain silent unless you are truly OK with being her friend and being privy to any information about dates or new boyfriends that will inevitably come out.

 

Hi Blanco,

 

actually she is home now over the summer 3 months before going abroud again.

 

what does these signals say tbh? does this mean she still has some sort of feelings for me?

 

Also i felt my feelings for her started to fade during the realtionship however i did not say this when we broke up as i thought i would hurt her by saying i had lost feelings as well. Guess i kinda just cruely kept her as my safe card sounds horrible but probably true,

 

And also, as i did not respond to the last one will she keep trying to contact me now?

 

its a wierd situation tbh and i am not sure at all what i myself want anymore.

 

one wierd little note is that now as she is home it almost felt as she tried to communicate via social media that she was here.. Also i think she has began to act a bit wierd on social media posting a lot etc which she has never done before, good lookings selfies and it really seems like she is trying hard to make herself look very good.

 

second note is that for the last 3 weeks she has been listening to a lot of sad songs etc on her spotify i can see this bcz we are connected there so her activity shows up on my work pc.

 

Maybe she is hurting just as i am?

Edited June 13, 2017 by vurtne

[jessiesgurl]

Hi,

 

almost 2 months ago me and my ex broke up, basically we have grown apart and lost feelings for eachother.

I told her we should lay low for a while mostly because i felt i was an emotional wreck and i needed to heal.

 

We kept liking eachother instagram pictures etc and following eachother on snapchat she views all my ****.

 

After about 3 weeks she sends me a quite meaningless snapchat with nothing really to initiate discussion i just sent her something back and i got nothing more for like 3 weeks until last thursday.

 

Last Thursday she just sent me a picture of food like "blablabla in the making".

 

Is she trying to show now that she wants me to contact her or shall i just keep the silence as it is as she hasn't really invited to any conversation?

 

My guess is that she just could write something like "what are you up to" or something else if that what she wanted.

thx for any advice.

 

vurtne, what's your goal here? Do you want to get back together or just chat for the hell of it?

 

Assuming the former, you broke up because you grew apart and lost feelings for each other.

 

You also told her you are an "emotional wreck" and need to heal.

 

So... what's changed since then? Did you miraculously develop feelings for her again during the last two months?

 

Are you no longer an "emotional wreck" and healed?

 

Not to mention, you said you had grown apart, so how will that work if you get back together?

 

Don't get me wrong, I get that you miss her and vice versa. But the issues that caused your breakup don't miraculously disappear after two months of separation, they will still be there if/when you reconcile.

 

All that said, generally speaking, after a breakup when your ex sends you a text without a ? at the end of a sentence, there is no need to respond.

 

She's thinking about you sure (obviously), but most likely just sharing random thoughts or whatever.

 

I mean it might be some sort of a "feeler text" to see if you jump, but unless she asks you a specific question and/or suggests getting together, I wouldn't go reading too much into it.

 

JMO of course. It's hard to say for sure since none of us are mind-readers but I certainly would not go reading too much into her sending you a picture of food saying "blah blah blah in the making."

 

I certainly wouldn't!

Edited June 13, 2017 by jessiesgurl

[vurtne]

vurtne, what's your goal here? Do you want to get back together or just chat for the hell of it?

 

Assuming the former, you broke up because you grew apart and lost feelings for each other.

 

You also told her you are an "emotional wreck" and need to heal.

 

So... what's changed since then? Did you miraculously develop feelings for her again during the last two months?

 

Are you no longer an "emotional wreck" and healed?

 

Not to mention, you said you had grown apart, so how will that work if you get back together?

 

Don't get me wrong, I get that you miss her and vice versa. But the issues that caused your breakup don't miraculously disappear after two months of separation, they will still be there if/when you reconcile.

 

All that said, generally speaking, after a breakup when your ex sends you a text without a ? at the end of a sentence, there is no need to respond.

 

She's thinking about you sure (obviously), but most likely just sharing random thoughts or whatever.

 

I mean it might be some sort of a "feeler text" to see if you jump, but unless she asks you a specific question and/or suggests getting together, I wouldn't go reading too much into it.

 

JMO of course. It's hard to say for sure since none of us are mind-readers but I certainly would not go reading too much into her sending you a picture of food saying "blah blah blah in the making."

 

I certainly wouldn't!

 

Hi Jessies,

 

Actually i am not to sure what my goal is I am very wobbly between if I would want her back or not, of course I would like everything to be fine between us but I can see many obstacles on the way there with the distance and me probably beginning studying and that I don't know where i will be in 2 months.

 

I feel something is missing inside me and i do feel a bit empty, i guess this is completely usual after breaking up a 4+ year relationship.

 

A part of me wants to be with her but i am so unsure tbh.

 

thinking about her with someone else no longer feels like a dagger in my heart as it used to 1 month ago.

 

I did not tell her I am an emotional wreck I just told her we would need to lay low for a while as it became a bit double if we were to keep talking post-breakup as she still wanted to remain in contact to see what it could lead to.

 

She said to my friend as well she didn't know what she was feeling but was feeling empty etc.

 

During the two months, I have been working out a lot going on a trip with friends and just trying to have fun in general, just trying to reflect what i did wrong and what she did wrong and try to learn from it.

 

It's just very strange as she just randomly sends a pic like that after we have not spoken at all, i do think she wants to communicate but is afraid that i am angry at her etc, she is sort of a cowardly person in general.

 

Shall I just send her a snapchat later on today and just ask what she is up to and see what she responds?

 

that leaves the ball in her court.

 

BR

Edited June 14, 2017 by vurtne

[Ronnys93]

I'd say communicate and see how things are if you absolutely feel like it wont set you back. I do think that 2 months is a little too soon to really get back together when situations haven't really changed ALL that much. You may be going out, having more fun, and getting in the gym but that doesn't really change the situation altogether. If she wanted to keep talking to see what it would lead to I do think that is kind of her saying that she is open to getting back together with you provided things work out.

 

I think for this to work you would have to reach out like you plan to, discuss the wrongs in the relationship, and see if she is open to reconciliation. Honestly, I think with it being so soon she likely is going to tell you that she wants to see where her heart is first. I wouldn't really blame her. Just try and reintroduce contact slowly.

[vurtne]

I'd say communicate and see how things are if you absolutely feel like it wont set you back. I do think that 2 months is a little too soon to really get back together when situations haven't really changed ALL that much. You may be going out, having more fun, and getting in the gym but that doesn't really change the situation altogether. If she wanted to keep talking to see what it would lead to I do think that is kind of her saying that she is open to getting back together with you provided things work out.

 

I think for this to work you would have to reach out like you plan to, discuss the wrongs in the relationship, and see if she is open to reconciliation. Honestly, I think with it being so soon she likely is going to tell you that she wants to see where her heart is first. I wouldn't really blame her. Just try and reintroduce contact slowly.

 

Hi Ronnys,

 

i will try to send her a message later on today and ask what she is up to just in a friendly an calm manner.

 

I will not discuss our previous relationship as i don't want to dig up old feelings and just take it from there.

 

I will give it a try to try to communicate with her and leave the ball in her court if she wants to talk more.

[vurtne]

Anyone else having any suggestions?

[d0nnivain]

Nothing has really changed. You broke up over the distance You still don't have a job in her city & you understandably don't want to move there just for her.

 

This continued connection you two still share through social media & spottify is superficial at best. It's not an indication that she wants to reconcile. There's no point because the things that broke you up are still problems. It's simply that you talked all the time during your 4 year relationship & not talking feels odd. It's sentimentality at best.

 

You need to disconnect in all ways. When you get a new GF or worse, when she gets a new BF, those people are not going to be happy about you & your EX sharing things like social media accounts & spottify.

[vurtne]

Sent her a snapchat today with things going like this the Conversation went Good.

 

Me : Hi, what are you doing?

 

Her : Was going to bed now going to work tomorrow what are you

Up to?

 

Me :Just came home from the gym, biked from There and back so i am totally Done

 

Her : you are a hard worker, How was your trip to London? It was Nice right?

 

Me : Yeah it was very nice, we went to a sushi samba (Michelin star restaurant on the 39th floor of London, she saw i was There on snapchat) it was very Nice and we ate some kobe beef etc. How was your trip to greece?

 

Her : it was Nice, i am sunburnt now you know How i am.

 

Me : dont worry it Will probably lay down and yoy Will get Brown instead, i habe to go to the shower now and Then sleep have to work tomorrow you know.

 

Her : ok, sleep well i am glad you could contact me now

 

Me : goodnight and sleep well

 

 

What do you think ladies en gents?

 

Did i play My Cards fine here? No talk about the previous relationship etc

 

I guess her snapchat from thursday was a "feeler" to initiate contact

 

 

BR

[JS84]

Why are you guys still contacting each other exactly??

[vurtne]

She Wanted to reason contact as she Wanted to see what it could lead to when we broke up.

 

I Said its best to lay Low for a while and she Then started to Send Me some mixed signals vis social Media probably for Me to initiate contact.

 

 

Also she Said to My friend that she feels empty but does not know what she is feeling the same as Me basically.

 

I Will try to move on i feel Much better now like s huge Weight of My shoulders.

 

Hopefully it Will lead to something but we Will see. Guess There is a chance as well that someone of us might get hurt if we find someone new.

 

 

The ball is in her court now

[basil67]

I don't think it's unusual to reach out on occasion to an ex who was a significant part of our lives. I wouldn't imagine it means anything other than that you popped into her mind.

 

In all likelihood, the two of you will continue to distance until the relationship is but a memory.

[jamili]

She sees you as a friend, and that's it. Your recent convo is evidence of that. The only "cards" you played in that interaction was basically showing her you are ok with being friends now. The kiss of death.

 

Should have ignored, man. Remember, each time you respond, she loses more respect and attraction to you. Each response from you is one more nail in that coffin.

 

ONLY respond of she tells you she wants you back or something at least along those lines.

[vurtne]

Hmm quite unsure if she sees Me only as a friend My guess is she is as Confused as i am and very wobbly in her thoughts.

 

However i think it it was better this way to have the communication line open and we Will see what it lead to, thats what she Wanted and she Said she wants us to find the way back.

 

After all it would be very hard for us to reconcile as i dont know where in this country i Will be in 2 months.

 

I Will try to move on in the meantime and just take everything as it comes while Making self improvements to myself.

 

Any tips?

[la74219]

I tried staying in touch with her for several months in my situation. No good came from it. Lots of back and forth, confusion, me asking more questions, her saying she's not sure, more arguments, more questions, no answers, etc...until finally she got tired of the questions and blocked me. That's where I'm at. Don't do it to yourself. If you must, well...I can't judge you because I felt the same way. Maybe your situation will turn out differently, but I'd feel bad if I didn't tell you how mine turned out. Best of luck.

[vurtne]

I tried staying in touch with her for several months in my situation. No good came from it. Lots of back and forth, confusion, me asking more questions, her saying she's not sure, more arguments, more questions, no answers, etc...until finally she got tired of the questions and blocked me. That's where I'm at. Don't do it to yourself. If you must, well...I can't judge you because I felt the same way. Maybe your situation will turn out differently, but I'd feel bad if I didn't tell you how mine turned out. Best of luck.

 

Hey Man,

 

I am sorry to hear that.

 

My situation is quite different as i will in August get a notification if i will get into university or not. This uni is 6+ hours away from her so it would be impossible for us to be together.

 

Because of this i feel like i rathered just move on and see what happens as i think this is the best idea. I am so confused in what i feel for her if anything at all maybe it's just the idea of her?

 

It's like she is the perfect girl but something just quite isn't there for me and never really have been either...

 

I don't feel like i am torturing myself by talking to her rly, i would be happy if we became good friends one day as our families are very close and it would be very sad to end things in a bad manner.

[vurtne]

Hey,

 

Damn life is taking a rough turn for me now as i am owed over 10k euro by my work.

 

Also i don't know if i will get into university in August or not.

 

I just miss this fkn girl so damn much and i feel so regretful over what i felt over the last year with the relationship.

 

Why didn't i move to her city? why didn't i show her how much i loved her? why didn't i move in with her when thats all she wanted?

 

Can anyone explain why thats what all i want to do now that i cant? Is it false feelings?

 

She has not contacted me back really just told me to say hi to my grandma which she is very close to.

 

 

Shall i try to give her a call and explain how i feel or is there anything i can do but to just move on and let life happen?

[jamili]

Shall i try to give her a call and explain how i feel or is there anything i can do but to just move on and let life happen?

 

Same as before, man. Each time you have contact with her, her attraction to you and respect for you drops. Each shred of communication you have, the chances of you two getting back together drops more and more. I know its hard to accept this because its counterintuitive thinking, but its just how it is after a breakup.

 

If you really are unsure if you want her back or not, then never contact her again and let life happen - this way you can at least leave the door open for future reconciliation. If you decide that you definitely never want to be with her romantically again, then feel free to contact her and hammer those final nails into this coffin. Even then, its still a bad idea, because you will just disrespect yourself, and her, and that's never a good feeling.

[vurtne]

Same as before, man. Each time you have contact with her, her attraction to you and respect for you drops. Each shred of communication you have, the chances of you two getting back together drops more and more. I know its hard to accept this because its counterintuitive thinking, but its just how it is after a breakup.

 

If you really are unsure if you want her back or not, then never contact her again and let life happen - this way you can at least leave the door open for future reconciliation. If you decide that you definitely never want to be with her romantically again, then feel free to contact her and hammer those final nails into this coffin. Even then, its still a bad idea, because you will just disrespect yourself, and her, and that's never a good feeling.

 

Yeah i wont contact,

 

Also on saturday we Will be at the same party and probably meet.

 

How shall i act when i meet her? Friendly? Ofc not beg or smth but just sort of friendly wave etc and not give her any attention?

 

Br

[jamili]

Yeah i wont contact,

 

Also on saturday we Will be at the same party and probably meet.

 

How shall i act when i meet her? Friendly? Ofc not beg or smth but just sort of friendly wave etc and not give her any attention?

 

Br

 

I think its good to not rearrange your life to avoid her, but keep in mind seeing her might bring about some intense feelings within you, and it could be difficult.

 

Id just play it cool. If you run into her, say hi, smile, and move on. Dont seek her out and dont linger around her. Just try to behave as if she is some random acquaintance at the party but dont know that well. Friendly greeting, and keep mingling with other people and try to keep away from her without making it obvious. Just try your best to act normal and ignore the fact that she is there.