In Need of Support....

[BigBlueSky]

I have been lurking ls for quite sometime and have found strength and wisdom in reading so many posts. I felt it was time to share my story as I need to get support from others who have been through similar situations. I have never shared this with anyone, so here goes...

 

I am a MOW and have had an on/off relationship with a MM for about 3 years. We met a few years prior to that (our kids attended the same school) and felt an attraction to each other but never acted on it. After a few years of knowing each other he confessed that he had feelings for me. I told him I felt the same way but we decided that it was best not to talk because we were both married. However, we started the slippery slope of sporadically texting, sharing personal things in our lives and finally after a few months, sharing a kiss. Throughout the last three years, we have not been in consistent contact. We go through cycles of recognizing that what we are doing is wrong, hurting our families and each other. Yet we always get pulled back in.

 

Neither of us have had a Dday. Last week we again decided that we can't continue on like this. It has been hard letting go of the support we get from each other and the physical intimacy we shared. I know it's for the best and I hate that I have hurt people that I love and care about.

 

I guess what I need now is for someone to tell me that I'll be ok, that I need to maintain NC for the sake of everyone in our lives, and that I won't always feel this way. I feel weak and torn, shameful and disappointed in myself. I hate that I keep on doing what's wrong when I clearly know what is right.

 

I know that there are some of you out there that will say I need to tell my husband. I'm not ready for that yet... I know I have a lot to work through.

 

Any thoughts, insights and encouragements are appreciated at this point. Thanks for reading.

[alsudduth]

Anytime you want to reach out to the OM, post in here. Get yourself into IC. If you aren't ready to tell your husband, but think eventually you will do the right thing and tell him, a counselor can help you work to that point and beyond.

 

Start journaling. find something else to occupy the time you gave to the OM, it WILL get easier. I'm at 11 months NC.

[aileD]

Kudos to you for having the courage to get it out there. You say you've been lurking, so you can probably see how it goes from other peoples stories. I know that doesn't make it any easier.

 

I'm a betrayed spouse. I'll let other people answer more of your questions, but I wanted to address this:

 

(our kids attended the same school)

 

I need to maintain NC for the sake of everyone in our lives,

 

In my opinion, this is the most dangerous type of affair. One where the children of the affair partners know each other. This makes it almost impossible to keep things private. Kids talk. Their parents will talk, their kids will hear and then their kids will tell your kids. It happened exactly like that with me. (In my case, OW wasn't a fellow parent but a parent did see them out together and their child overheard and told my daughter)

 

THe fallout of that was chaos. Complete chaos. Pain. Anger. My 16 year old daughter 9 months out is still completely not talking to her father. She doesn't want him in her life and she has no interest in talking about it. I brought her to a therapist and after a few sessions he said "listen, I can't help her because she has no interest in fixing it and you're wasting money just having her sit here and say nothing".

 

My son? My son was devastated. Completely. His grades dropped, he spent time in his room crying...and now that we are 9 mos into Reconciliation? He's better, happier but every single time I am home and his dad isn't (even if he's just at work) he's asking where his dad is...he's 14. He lives in fear dad will just leave again.

 

anyway, my situation was extreme.....yours hasn't got that far yet....but it is headed there and all I can say is that you need to think of your CHILDREN before you think of your own selfish needs for affection and attention from this man. You wouldn't purposely take your kids for a walk in the passing lane of the highway would you? This affair is similar to that. You are doing something you know will irrevocably damage your children if...WHEN...it comes out and you are doing it anyways because YOU feel "weak and torn". Let your mama bear out and protect those children.

 

Your marriage, I don't know....but if you decide to divorce as an option, your children will respect you more if no one else is involved.

 

You WILL get thru this. You WILL be okay!

[jenkins95]

Welcome to the club that no one wants to be a member of (((BigBlueSky)))

 

As aileD said, kudos to you for coming here and trying to do the right thing even though your head must be all over the place presently.

 

I see some similarities between you and me and I so relate the the negative thoughts that you are dealing with. I know where you are right now and how horrible it is. And I also know that you can get past this if you do things the right way - and seeking support is an excellent piece in that puzzle. Well done for coming here - there is lots of experience and advice to be drawn onb at LS.

 

I too got involved in an A and developed feelings for the OW. Equally, I never stopped loving my family and never considered leaving them. I wanted both! The stability and contentment of marriage, plus the excitement, support and ego strokes of the A. But the guilt and the double life and the anxiety, pressure and paranoia that goes with it started to eat away at me, day by day. It also became clear that the OW had started to want more and my wife was becoming suspicious (I did have a D-day). Life started to become hell and I had a breakdown at one point.

 

It became clear that the A had to end but it was excrutiating getting to the point to actually initiate that. The end itself was very difficult and we dragged it out longer than we should. I felt very low for several months - I missed the OW and felt awful about what I had done to my family. I also doubted that my wife and I could ever really connect again like we had pre-A. The dual battle of getting over the other person while repairing your marriage is extremely difficult and draining.

 

Nearly two years later, things are so so much better, I know I made the right decision and I'm so glad my W gave me a chance. The first months are hell, but step by step we are getting there and the connection grows stronger. Whenever my family do something nice together or celebrate a school achievement, for example, I remind myself how different things could have been and how much I risked. I am furious with myself for what I did sometimes.

 

As for the OW, I truly wish her all the best and hold no bad feelings. I feel we were both to blame for what happened, we both knew the score when it started and neither of us made false promises. We messed up and made a connection that never should have been allowed to be made. We should both be able to learn from it, move on and never make this kind of mistake again.

 

Good luck and keep posting! We are here for you!

Edited May 23, 2017 by jenkins95

[freengreen]

Not one step towards this quicksand from now on... and you shall save yourself. Goodluck.. stay NC.

[BreakingWave]

BigBlueSky,

 

You have come to the right place. These forums are full of people who are trying to get through very similar situations.

 

 

I am in love with a MW. I'm a single woman, and we've been close friends for years before anything happened. We've now been in an A for almost 8 months, sometimes more intensely than others. She is straight and I am the only time she has strayed in nearly 20 years of marriage. As far as I can tell, I'm the only one in this kind of boat on the forums, and yet I can still recognize elements of my situation in the stories others tell here, and am very grateful for the kindness and support shown here.

 

 

I am still involved in the A, though I recognize the rug could be pulled out from under me at any moment. She's tried to end it before but came back and I took her gratefully. I know any day could be the one when she tells me te over and she has to end the A before anyone finds out. She will go back to her marriage, her happy and secure life where no one knows her secret, and I'll be left heartbroken and alone. Sometimes I wonder if this is how drug addicted feel. Other times I honestly believe we have a shot at lasting. All the time, I am grateful for this community that does not demonize those of us in this situation.

 

 

In solidarity,

 

 

BW

[BigBlueSky]

@alsudduth

Thank you for your suggestions. I will be trying to post here often, especially during the times I feel weak. It's encouraging to hear that you are at 11 months NC. I haven't had a chance to read your story but will be doing so.

 

@aileD

Thanks for your wisdom, especially coming from BS. I definitely want the best for my kids and know that my actions have had the potential to hurt them deeply. Thankfully, our kids have all moved on to different schools and I have no other ties to the MM (and haven't for a couple years).

 

@jenkins

I've read through lots of your story and posts and find myself understanding the mind of a MM better through them. You have no idea how much you've impacted me already even before your response. Thank you!! I agree that reaching out to this community is a good first step. I haven't been brave enough to share this with anyone in my life yet. I feel like I'll be fumbling around with my next steps.

 

Like you, I feel no ill will towards my MM. I still care for him deeply. And for me, I think that if I truly care for him and love him, the best thing I can do is to not talk to him again. That makes me so sad.

 

Freengreen

Quicksand... such an apt visual... I wonder why I am so drawn. But I'm in the process of trying to step away... it's hard.

 

@BreakingWaves

I feel you... being in a position of not knowing what the future holds, loving someone when you know it can be taken away at any moment... it's not an easy way to live. I hope that we can both find clarity and peace in our lives. I agree, I am so thankful to be able to share with people that are willing to walk alongside and not condemn.

[deadsoul]

I have been lurking ls for quite sometime and have found strength and wisdom in reading so many posts. I felt it was time to share my story as I need to get support from others who have been through similar situations. I have never shared this with anyone, so here goes...

 

I am a MOW and have had an on/off relationship with a MM for about 3 years. We met a few years prior to that (our kids attended the same school) and felt an attraction to each other but never acted on it. After a few years of knowing each other he confessed that he had feelings for me. I told him I felt the same way but we decided that it was best not to talk because we were both married. However, we started the slippery slope of sporadically texting, sharing personal things in our lives and finally after a few months, sharing a kiss. Throughout the last three years, we have not been in consistent contact. We go through cycles of recognizing that what we are doing is wrong, hurting our families and each other. Yet we always get pulled back in.

 

Neither of us have had a Dday. Last week we again decided that we can't continue on like this. It has been hard letting go of the support we get from each other and the physical intimacy we shared. I know it's for the best and I hate that I have hurt people that I love and care about.

 

I guess what I need now is for someone to tell me that I'll be ok, that I need to maintain NC for the sake of everyone in our lives, and that I won't always feel this way. I feel weak and torn, shameful and disappointed in myself. I hate that I keep on doing what's wrong when I clearly know what is right.

 

I know that there are some of you out there that will say I need to tell my husband. I'm not ready for that yet... I know I have a lot to work through.

 

Any thoughts, insights and encouragements are appreciated at this point. Thanks for reading.

 

You will be okay and it does get easier. Allow yourself time to grieve and get through your feelings and the addiction.

 

You don't have to decide on confessing right now. Give yourself time to work through this and then start thinking about that. I did confess, but I see both sides and think that everyone needs to do what's best for them and what they can live with.

 

Journalling helps. Exercise, hobbies, just generally keeping busy. Reconnecting with your H.

 

Post here and read the stories. But stay strong and don't go back to the OM. Take a day at a time. It's all you can do.

[BigBlueSky]

For those of you that have had a d-day, if it had never happened would you have chosen to tell your spouse? Is there anyone that has chosen to tell their spouse and if yes, what happened and how did you handle it?

[BigBlueSky]

You will be okay and it does get easier. Allow yourself time to grieve and get through your feelings and the addiction.

 

You don't have to decide on confessing right now. Give yourself time to work through this and then start thinking about that. I did confess, but I see both sides and think that everyone needs to do what's best for them and what they can live with.

 

Journalling helps. Exercise, hobbies, just generally keeping busy. Reconnecting with your H.

 

Post here and read the stories. But stay strong and don't go back to the OM. Take a day at a time. It's all you can do.

 

I will be taking some time and thinking about it. What made you decide to confess?

[aileD]

For those of you that have had a d-day, if it had never happened would you have chosen to tell your spouse? Is there anyone that has chosen to tell their spouse and if yes, what happened and how did you handle it?

 

It's better to tell because eventually it will come out. We have people here saying they found out their wife cheated 20 years ago and it's. Or so much the betrayal now, it's the lying about it for 20 years they can't get past

[BigBlueSky]

It's better to tell because eventually it will come out. We have people here saying they found out their wife cheated 20 years ago and it's. Or so much the betrayal now, it's the lying about it for 20 years they can't get past

 

I guess I'm still hoping it will never be found out and that it can be buried away... I just read through some of deadsoul's 46 page long post. Frankly, it scares me. I don't think I'm ready for that to happen (although I certainly deserve it).

[Doublegold]

BigSky, have you been NC since you decided last week that you two cannot go on like this? Becoming involved in an A and the families being part of the same circle is so risky and the fallout will be horrible if there is ever a D-day.

 

For that reason I would not tell anyone, including your H, about the affair. No one. And if questioned, deny deny deny.

[ztmymmy]

BigSky, have you been NC since you decided last week that you two cannot go on like this? Becoming involved in an A and the families being part of the same circle is so risky and the fallout will be horrible if there is ever a D-day.

 

For that reason I would not tell anyone, including your H, about the affair. No one. And if questioned, deny deny deny.

 

 

The lies, denial and "trickle truth" hurt almost as much or even worse than the betrayal itself in many cases.

 

Also, without a d-day the break of an addiction is near impossible.

[jenkins95]

@jenkins

I've read through lots of your story and posts and find myself understanding the mind of a MM better through them. You have no idea how much you've impacted me already even before your response. Thank you!! I agree that reaching out to this community is a good first step. I haven't been brave enough to share this with anyone in my life yet. I feel like I'll be fumbling around with my next steps.

 

Like you, I feel no ill will towards my MM. I still care for him deeply. And for me, I think that if I truly care for him and love him, the best thing I can do is to not talk to him again. That makes me so sad.

 

Hi again BigBlueSky!

 

I really hope that being a member of LS is helping to give you some clarity in this difficult time. Thank you very much for addressing me personally and I'm really pleased if some of my previous posts have been useful for you.

 

It is very tough saying goodbye to someone that you care about, but with time the memories will cease to be painful. You may even get to a point that you have fond memories that don’t hurt – even though the very idea of that is horrible for many BS that may be reading. Unfortunately there is no short cut to get to that point - it's a tough few months and, for people in our situation, at the same time that you are grieving this loss, you are also trying to work hard on your marriage. It's almost impossible at times - but it can be done, and it eventually gets much easier.

 

The decision as to whether to tell the BS or not is a very controversial one with a huge range of opinions and threads start to get very emotive very quickly as soon as we start to discuss it. I have to admit that I didn't just tell my wife completely off my own back. She had already made a few minor discoveries, which I initially played down. For a while, I let her believe it was "only" an EA, but one day, guilt just gripped hold of me and I admitted it was also physical – I didn’t think too much about it, I just came out with it, unprepared. Being unprepared was a mistake – the questions come pretty quickly, and you need to be prepared to answer them. The effect of seeing her break down in front of me was incredible - it's like a bad dream now. I can hardly believe that ever really happened.

 

It was hell for both of us for many many weeks and then we started to turn a corner and recover. At nearly two years out, it isn't mentioned much anymore and we are doing really well. We are still far from recovered, but we are well on the road. She has built a little bit of trust back in me and we are both much more connected physically and emotionally

 

It's a tough one because we obviously wouldn't have gone to hell and back in the same way if she never knew about it. I could have just tried to bury it and get past it alone. But, aside from any moral considerations of doing this (and many posters here have very strong opinions on this), if she had never known, I think we would now be in a situation of vastly reduced intimacy. I'm talking here about mental intimacy - connection if you like. Painful though it was, my confession at least explained to my wife why I'd been such a cold, distant jerk for such a long time, why I was irritable and hard to reach, why our connection was pretty low......and even why I had so many late nights at work! After the initial anger comes the analysis - how could this happen? how could you do this? why did you do this? what was missing in our marriage? These questions are very difficult for both partners to face, but if worked through together carefully and respectfully, we can start to understand each other again at a much more base level than perhaps we have for years. We can work out what went wrong together, establish if there is a still a future, and if so, what that future should look like and how do we get there. Let's face it, when both partners are working and have kids, 90% of conversation tends to revolve around the practicalities of daily life and when the little ones are in bed we often just collapse in front of the TV. We often lose sight of the person ourselves and our spouses are underneath and the very real needs of those people. So in connecting again at a base level, we are re-building our marriage from the bottom up. It is effectively a new marriage and I am full of hope for us.

 

If I had never told my wife, it would have been more difficult to get that connection back and to muster the mutual effort required to rebuild and re-craft our marriage. For all the pain that my confession brought with it, it also brought an opportunity – to understand, to heal, to work, to re-build. If I hadn’t told, for the first several months after the A ended, I would have certainly been a very tortured soul and I would have been trying to completely mask this at home. This would have made me moody and distant, just as I sometimes was during the affair. I would have been distracted, frustrated and disconnected inside and would have had no outlet (other than online forums) for my deep frustrations and issues. I would have sunk into depression. My wife would be frustrated because the nice, happy guy she once married would have been reduced to a moody, secretive shadow of what he once was. We would probably get to a stage where we would just try to rub along for the children, but the deep love that we once had would have been seriously eroded. Also, of course I would have been hiding a huge secret. Whether or not this secret would ever be discovered by the BS, you still have to carry it in your head every day. Some people can do this, some can't. Guilt may nag at you forever, or it may fade into the background within a few months - everyone is different.

 

The decision to tell or not is a very personal one and every life, personality, marriage and affair is different. There is no one size fits all answer and I'm sure you'll play it the way it works for you. Hopefully a good therapist will help guide you on that one, and we’ll do our best too!

 

Keep posting anyway BBS! I am thinking of you. I think your intentions are all in the right place, you now just need to find the courage and resolve to see it through and face a very difficult few months, possibly years. I know personally how difficult it is to stand where you are standing right now. Just bear in mind that for all you get out of the affair, the cost in your own mental state is huge. We will be here for you through the journey.

 

Good luck!

Edited May 24, 2017 by jenkins95

[BigBlueSky]

The lies, denial and "trickle truth" hurt almost as much or even worse than the betrayal itself in many cases.

 

Also, without a d-day the break of an addiction is near impossible.

 

I agree. I had been thinking from very early on that this wouldn't stop unless the truth came out. If I am going to confess, I will have to be ready to tell him everything, no trickle truth.

[BigBlueSky]

Hi again BigBlueSky!

 

I really hope that being a member of LS is helping to give you some clarity in this difficult time. Thank you very much for addressing me personally and I'm really pleased if some of my previous posts have been useful for you.

 

It is very tough saying goodbye to someone that you care about, but with time the memories will cease to be painful. You may even get to a point that you have fond memories that don’t hurt – even though the very idea of that is horrible for many BS that may be reading. Unfortunately there is no short cut to get to that point - it's a tough few months and, for people in our situation, at the same time that you are grieving this loss, you are also trying to work hard on your marriage. It's almost impossible at times - but it can be done, and it eventually gets much easier.

 

The decision as to whether to tell the BS or not is a very controversial one with a huge range of opinions and threads start to get very emotive very quickly as soon as we start to discuss it. I have to admit that I didn't just tell my wife completely off my own back. She had already made a few minor discoveries, which I initially played down. For a while, I let her believe it was "only" an EA, but one day, guilt just gripped hold of me and I admitted it was also physical – I didn’t think too much about it, I just came out with it, unprepared. Being unprepared was a mistake – the questions come pretty quickly, and you need to be prepared to answer them. The effect of seeing her break down in front of me was incredible - it's like a bad dream now. I can hardly believe that ever really happened.

 

It was hell for both of us for many many weeks and then we started to turn a corner and recover. At nearly two years out, it isn't mentioned much anymore and we are doing really well. We are still far from recovered, but we are well on the road. She has built a little bit of trust back in me and we are both much more connected physically and emotionally

 

It's a tough one because we obviously wouldn't have gone to hell and back in the same way if she never knew about it. I could have just tried to bury it and get past it alone. But, aside from any moral considerations of doing this (and many posters here have very strong opinions on this), if she had never known, I think we would now be in a situation of vastly reduced intimacy. I'm talking here about mental intimacy - connection if you like. Painful though it was, my confession at least explained to my wife why I'd been such a cold, distant jerk for such a long time, why I was irritable and hard to reach, why our connection was pretty low......and even why I had so many late nights at work! After the initial anger comes the analysis - how could this happen? how could you do this? why did you do this? what was missing in our marriage? These questions are very difficult for both partners to face, but if worked through together carefully and respectfully, we can start to understand each other again at a much more base level than perhaps we have for years. We can work out what went wrong together, establish if there is a still a future, and if so, what that future should look like and how do we get there. Let's face it, when both partners are working and have kids, 90% of conversation tends to revolve around the practicalities of daily life and when the little ones are in bed we often just collapse in front of the TV. We often lose sight of the person ourselves and our spouses are underneath and the very real needs of those people. So in connecting again at a base level, we are re-building our marriage from the bottom up. It is effectively a new marriage and I am full of hope for us.

 

If I had never told my wife, it would have been more difficult to get that connection back and to muster the mutual effort required to rebuild and re-craft our marriage. For all the pain that my confession brought with it, it also brought an opportunity – to understand, to heal, to work, to re-build. If I hadn’t told, for the first several months after the A ended, I would have certainly been a very tortured soul and I would have been trying to completely mask this at home. This would have made me moody and distant, just as I sometimes was during the affair. I would have been distracted, frustrated and disconnected inside and would have had no outlet (other than online forums) for my deep frustrations and issues. I would have sunk into depression. My wife would be frustrated because the nice, happy guy she once married would have been reduced to a moody, secretive shadow of what he once was. We would probably get to a stage where we would just try to rub along for the children, but the deep love that we once had would have been seriously eroded. Also, of course I would have been hiding a huge secret. Whether or not this secret would ever be discovered by the BS, you still have to carry it in your head every day. Some people can do this, some can't. Guilt may nag at you forever, or it may fade into the background within a few months - everyone is different.

 

The decision to tell or not is a very personal one and every life, personality, marriage and affair is different. There is no one size fits all answer and I'm sure you'll play it the way it works for you. Hopefully a good therapist will help guide you on that one, and we’ll do our best too!

 

Keep posting anyway BBS! I am thinking of you. I think your intentions are all in the right place, you now just need to find the courage and resolve to see it through and face a very difficult few months, possibly years. I know personally how difficult it is to stand where you are standing right now. Just bear in mind that for all you get out of the affair, the cost in your own mental state is huge. We will be here for you through the journey.

 

Good luck!

 

Jenkins, thank you for taking the time to write. It means a lot to me. It's so encouraging to hear that you and your wife have worked through difficult times and that you are in a much better place. It must have been so hard for you, trying to grieve while reconciling with your wife. I often feel I don't feel entitled to grieve because what I did was wrong so I just shove my feelings aside and try to be the best wife and mother I can be.

 

One thing I know that I'm holding back from my husband is what you called mental intimacy. I know I am holding back something huge from him, and even if I am able to share everything else, there will always be a disconnect because of it. I am working through whether or not I can live with that or want to live like that.

 

I thought that MM and I were in NC and I was prepared to not contact him again. I heard from him last night and have not responded. I am not sure what else to say and would rather not let this die a slow painful death... You're right that the cost of our mental state is huge in an affair.

[deadsoul]

Hi again BigBlueSky!

 

I really hope that being a member of LS is helping to give you some clarity in this difficult time. Thank you very much for addressing me personally and I'm really pleased if some of my previous posts have been useful for you.

 

It is very tough saying goodbye to someone that you care about, but with time the memories will cease to be painful. You may even get to a point that you have fond memories that don’t hurt – even though the very idea of that is horrible for many BS that may be reading. Unfortunately there is no short cut to get to that point - it's a tough few months and, for people in our situation, at the same time that you are grieving this loss, you are also trying to work hard on your marriage. It's almost impossible at times - but it can be done, and it eventually gets much easier.

 

The decision as to whether to tell the BS or not is a very controversial one with a huge range of opinions and threads start to get very emotive very quickly as soon as we start to discuss it. I have to admit that I didn't just tell my wife completely off my own back. She had already made a few minor discoveries, which I initially played down. For a while, I let her believe it was "only" an EA, but one day, guilt just gripped hold of me and I admitted it was also physical – I didn’t think too much about it, I just came out with it, unprepared. Being unprepared was a mistake – the questions come pretty quickly, and you need to be prepared to answer them. The effect of seeing her break down in front of me was incredible - it's like a bad dream now. I can hardly believe that ever really happened.

 

It was hell for both of us for many many weeks and then we started to turn a corner and recover. At nearly two years out, it isn't mentioned much anymore and we are doing really well. We are still far from recovered, but we are well on the road. She has built a little bit of trust back in me and we are both much more connected physically and emotionally

 

It's a tough one because we obviously wouldn't have gone to hell and back in the same way if she never knew about it. I could have just tried to bury it and get past it alone. But, aside from any moral considerations of doing this (and many posters here have very strong opinions on this), if she had never known, I think we would now be in a situation of vastly reduced intimacy. I'm talking here about mental intimacy - connection if you like. Painful though it was, my confession at least explained to my wife why I'd been such a cold, distant jerk for such a long time, why I was irritable and hard to reach, why our connection was pretty low......and even why I had so many late nights at work! After the initial anger comes the analysis - how could this happen? how could you do this? why did you do this? what was missing in our marriage? These questions are very difficult for both partners to face, but if worked through together carefully and respectfully, we can start to understand each other again at a much more base level than perhaps we have for years. We can work out what went wrong together, establish if there is a still a future, and if so, what that future should look like and how do we get there. Let's face it, when both partners are working and have kids, 90% of conversation tends to revolve around the practicalities of daily life and when the little ones are in bed we often just collapse in front of the TV. We often lose sight of the person ourselves and our spouses are underneath and the very real needs of those people. So in connecting again at a base level, we are re-building our marriage from the bottom up. It is effectively a new marriage and I am full of hope for us.

 

If I had never told my wife, it would have been more difficult to get that connection back and to muster the mutual effort required to rebuild and re-craft our marriage. For all the pain that my confession brought with it, it also brought an opportunity – to understand, to heal, to work, to re-build. If I hadn’t told, for the first several months after the A ended, I would have certainly been a very tortured soul and I would have been trying to completely mask this at home. This would have made me moody and distant, just as I sometimes was during the affair. I would have been distracted, frustrated and disconnected inside and would have had no outlet (other than online forums) for my deep frustrations and issues. I would have sunk into depression. My wife would be frustrated because the nice, happy guy she once married would have been reduced to a moody, secretive shadow of what he once was. We would probably get to a stage where we would just try to rub along for the children, but the deep love that we once had would have been seriously eroded. Also, of course I would have been hiding a huge secret. Whether or not this secret would ever be discovered by the BS, you still have to carry it in your head every day. Some people can do this, some can't. Guilt may nag at you forever, or it may fade into the background within a few months - everyone is different.

 

The decision to tell or not is a very personal one and every life, personality, marriage and affair is different. There is no one size fits all answer and I'm sure you'll play it the way it works for you. Hopefully a good therapist will help guide you on that one, and we’ll do our best too!

 

Keep posting anyway BBS! I am thinking of you. I think your intentions are all in the right place, you now just need to find the courage and resolve to see it through and face a very difficult few months, possibly years. I know personally how difficult it is to stand where you are standing right now. Just bear in mind that for all you get out of the affair, the cost in your own mental state is huge. We will be here for you through the journey.

 

Good luck!

 

 

I was going to post a response about why I confessed and Jenkins' post says it better than I can even try. He's farther out than I am, I'm only at 3 months since confessing. There was no D-day.

 

I couldn't start to change and work in being a better person if I didn't confess. I didn't do it because I felt guilty. I feel even more guilty now, so confessing doesn't relieve that at all. I did it because I don't want to be a cheater and I had to take responsibility for my actions. I would not be on the path I'm on now had I kept it in. Again. It's a personal decision and you will get very strong opinions on it.

 

For now, focus on getting past the hurt and addiction.

[freengreen]

Hm, I was at your place. I was ending it myself and pledging i wont get into this ever again. You know what I did? ( you can laugh with me), I wrote down my plan on a calender in the lounge. Yeap. At that moment I wasnt ready to confess, I had hoped that I would sweap it neat. Buried with me.

 

My husband notived the changes over weeks and the calender ( hello!) and DDay happened, I told everything without fear without hiding.. it just came out like an open dam. He handled it very very well.

 

What I am saying is that although I thought I would keep it a secret, actually DDay helped!.. i was releived and now I carry no huge secrets that are kept away from my husband ( few little ones are still there thou). I would have not been so light if I didnt confess.

 

Each on their own hey!... what ever you think is best. But stop the affair, no bargaining over that.

[jenkins95]

I was going to post a response about why I confessed and Jenkins' post says it better than I can even try. He's farther out than I am, I'm only at 3 months since confessing. There was no D-day.

 

I couldn't start to change and work in being a better person if I didn't confess. I didn't do it because I felt guilty. I feel even more guilty now, so confessing doesn't relieve that at all. I did it because I don't want to be a cheater and I had to take responsibility for my actions. I would not be on the path I'm on now had I kept it in. Again. It's a personal decision and you will get very strong opinions on it.

 

For now, focus on getting past the hurt and addiction.

 

((deadsoul))!! How are you? It's been a while since we caught up. You were going through a tough time back then, but being very brave and fully accountable in your posts. I truly hope you and your H may be seeing the initial signs of recovery. I remember still being a total mess after 3 months and I even secretly pined for the OW at times, although I didn't dare admit it - not even here, not even to myself.

 

Stick to it - you should notice a significant difference at the 6 month mark than the 3 month mark, but even that is still early days. Where I am at almost 2 years is so so so so much better, but even here, the A and my guilt plays on my mind every day and I know it never really leaves my W's mind - she has told me so. But the pain is so much less for all of us and our own connectedness is so much better - there is so much less anger and awkward silences. An example is when an affair gets mentioned on TV. A few months ago that would have sparked an unbearable silence in the room and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. We can now pretty much "survive" the mentioning of an affair and carry on as normal, although of course I still get that little "stab" of shock for a few seconds.

 

Keep it up deadsoul! I'd love to know how you are getting on!

 

Sorry to tj BBS!

[jenkins95]

Hi again BigBlueSky! Great to see you already doing so much hard work and soul-searching in your posts. Well done – another LS member who makes me feel proud of them

 

Jenkins, thank you for taking the time to write. It means a lot to me. It's so encouraging to hear that you and your wife have worked through difficult times and that you are in a much better place.

 

It's a pleasure to be here to help BigBlueSky. I don't know how I could have got through the end of my affair and the aftermath without the amazing members of LS to help me. It really gave me strength and direction, and continues to - I still have bad days sometimes, but these are getting less and less thankfully.

 

And thank you for your well wishes. You and your H can take this path too - if you both really want it.

 

It must have been so hard for you, trying to grieve while reconciling with your wife. I often feel I don't feel entitled to grieve because what I did was wrong so I just shove my feelings aside and try to be the best wife and mother I can be.

 

It is difficult, but it is a necessary process. I totally get that you don't feel the right to grieve, but the trouble is, if you don't, you are effectively carpet-sweeping. The issues, feelings, thoughts, memories and emotions are still there, but they are hidden from the surface. They can and will re-surface at any time until they are fully processed. So, in grieving for the AP, don't consider this as something self-indulgent for yourself, but a necessary investment for your family. You need to grieve in order to let go. I have to admit, in the early days, I spent many a lunch hour at work in the rest-rooms crying over my OW. I hated myself for it and felt it was further betrayal to my family, but the fact is, I needed to go through that – otherwise those feelings would still be nagging me now.

 

One thing I know that I'm holding back from my husband is what you called mental intimacy. I know I am holding back something huge from him, and even if I am able to share everything else, there will always be a disconnect because of it. I am working through whether or not I can live with that or want to live like that.

 

I totally get the mental disconnect thing. I was so disconnected from my W at one point that I didn't recognise either of us anymore and had started to question why we ever got married. I was so infatuated with the OW that she could do no wrong in my eyes and felt like she was heaven sent, whereas my wife could do no right. This shows the phenomenon of "re-writing history" which we see a lot of in wayward's minds. This spell was broken pretty quickly once the A was over and we both started putting the effort into the marriage.

 

Also, isn’t it fair to say that the greater part of the disconnect is actually BECAUSE of the A? If you ended the A and fully committed to the marriage, don't you feel you could get it back?

 

If you doubt this, one thing I always advise people to consider is exactly how their marriage felt BEFORE the A started, before any initial spark, attraction, etc. Back when things were normal. It is almost impossible to think objectively when the AP has a hold on your heart, so try to think back to what your mental state was like before all that.

When I thought about this, I realised that there was nothing fundamentally wrong with my marriage before. We had drifted apart mainly due to the stresses of normal life, we had stopped putting each other number one, we didn’t make much effort to talk or be intimate often enough. But deep down I knew that this was nothing that couldn’t be fixed. We’d just been lazy and not focussed on our marriage – putting others first. It’s very easy to take the marriage for granted, drift apart and not put the effort in, especially with busy jobs, children and large extended families all pulling on your resources, as we have.

 

If on the other hand, you had already disconnected from your H and checked out of the marriage before you ever got involved with the A, that could indicate more of a fundamental problem. Even then, I wouldn’t say there’s no hope, but just as I’ve had to dig very deep to get the connection back with my W, you may have to dig even deeper even to find out if it’s even possible to get this back with your H.

 

Think very hard about this and also try to assess how your H feels about you. Is he also disconnected? Does he make an effort? Has he noticed changes in you? Did you have many happy years before this happened? Can you conceive of the possibility that you can be happy and connected again. I could see this possibility, only just, but I could see that it was at least theoretically possible – that was enough to try and give 100% - and it’s worth it. Try not to let your current vulnerable altered mental state influence this thinking if possible, difficult though that is.

 

I thought that MM and I were in NC and I was prepared to not contact him again. I heard from him last night and have not responded. I am not sure what else to say and would rather not let this die a slow painful death... You're right that the cost of our mental state is huge in an affair.

 

Oh (((BigBlueSky))) This is tough. I’m sure your heart missed a beat when you saw his attempted contact and sent a cocktail of hormones (some good, most probably bad) surging through your body. We just have to get through the days until the other person has less power over us. Will you just not respond, or do you think it’s worth having “that conversation”? Perhaps you both deserve to end it as nicely and respectfully as possible with a conversation and wish each other the best? Or perhaps you’re better off just going silent. Only you can say that as each situation is different.

 

Keep the posts coming BigBlueSky. You are really doing well and you have shown me that you can turn this around. I’m sure this will bring you some clarity and get you on the path to feeling better. We are here for you.

Edited May 24, 2017 by jenkins95

[alsudduth]

I agree. I had been thinking from very early on that this wouldn't stop unless the truth came out. If I am going to confess, I will have to be ready to tell him everything, no trickle truth.

 

I don't know that I would have had the courage to tell my H. But I can say that I was glad he found out, because if it wasn't over then with my AP, it definitely was when I saw the hurt in my Husbands eyes.

 

AND on the other side, I would caution you about your AP......My H thought he had gotten off scott free with his own affair which at the time he had led me to believe SHE was the one pursuing and that he was just her friend......until 4 years later when his AP contacted me to unload all her guilty feelings and tell me everything that happened between them.

 

The truth can come out at any time, even if you are years out of the affair. BUT no matter when the truth comes out, it will hurt you H A LOT so be prepared for that.

[DKT3]

My wife thought she could hold it in and not confess. But what happened is that changed her, it created an emotional distance between us that wasn't even there when she was active in her affair. She says she feared going to sleep (she talks in her sleep) feared watching or hearing anything about infidelity. Feared arguments. Just so happened that during an argument she slipped up and said too much, and like one of those movie scenes​ all of this little things that had me wondering came into focus bingo you had an affair. Now if I'm being honest, I knew, I think I knew the very day it started. Denial delusion and excusing her actions....

 

Mistake bigger than affairs, is beliveving you can eat it. Some can, but most can't.

[jenkins95]

My wife thought she could hold it in and not confess. But what happened is that changed her, it created an emotional distance between us that wasn't even there when she was active in her affair. She says she feared going to sleep (she talks in her sleep) feared watching or hearing anything about infidelity. Feared arguments. Just so happened that during an argument she slipped up and said too much, and like one of those movie scenes​ all of this little things that had me wondering came into focus bingo you had an affair. Now if I'm being honest, I knew, I think I knew the very day it started. Denial delusion and excusing her actions....

 

Mistake bigger than affairs, is beliveving you can eat it. Some can, but most can't.

 

Yes, I relate to this. My paranoia got to the stage that every time the door knocked, every time a letter came through the door, every time that 'ping' noise came through on my phone..... Or even worse HER phone, every time the house phone went, every time an email arrived.......I was jumping up and down like a frog on steroids! This is no way to live.

[deadsoul]

Jenkins

 

You wrote some things I needed to read as I've struggled with them. As a wayward, we aren't "allowed" to suffer, so I keep a lot inside. But it's there and the fact that you've let me know it's a "normal" part of the process helps me immensely. So thank you very much. From your post, I think you know exactly where I'm at and I know it's going to continue to be a struggle. But I also know I'm on the right path and things will get "easier"

 

Sorry for the t/j Blue.

 

Jenkins knows his stuff and it's people like him that will help you get through this because he knows and understands. We can't expect a BS to understand nor do we have the right to ask them to. But we are dealing with things too, that if we don't, we are in danger of repeating bad behaviors. And I never want to do that again so I'm doing all I can to be the person I want to be.