In Need of Support....

[BigBlueSky]

I was going to post a response about why I confessed and Jenkins' post says it better than I can even try. He's farther out than I am, I'm only at 3 months since confessing. There was no D-day.

 

I couldn't start to change and work in being a better person if I didn't confess. I didn't do it because I felt guilty. I feel even more guilty now, so confessing doesn't relieve that at all. I did it because I don't want to be a cheater and I had to take responsibility for my actions. I would not be on the path I'm on now had I kept it in. Again. It's a personal decision and you will get very strong opinions on it.

 

For now, focus on getting past the hurt and addiction.

 

Thanks for sharing, DS. I think that living a life of authenticity is not the easiest path but one that will ultimately bring the most peace internally. Although reading through your story scares me, I also am encouraged by the path you chose and how you are growing through it.

[BigBlueSky]

Hm, I was at your place. I was ending it myself and pledging i wont get into this ever again. You know what I did? ( you can laugh with me), I wrote down my plan on a calender in the lounge. Yeap. At that moment I wasnt ready to confess, I had hoped that I would sweap it neat. Buried with me.

 

My husband notived the changes over weeks and the calender ( hello!) and DDay happened, I told everything without fear without hiding.. it just came out like an open dam. He handled it very very well.

 

What I am saying is that although I thought I would keep it a secret, actually DDay helped!.. i was releived and now I carry no huge secrets that are kept away from my husband ( few little ones are still there thou). I would have not been so light if I didnt confess.

 

Each on their own hey!... what ever you think is best. But stop the affair, no bargaining over that.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. It did make me smile, especially the part about the calendar. It plays out like a poorly written sitcom. But so great to hear the outcome and that you and your husband have been working through things. I think I need to hear these stories.

[BigBlueSky]

Jenkins,

I haven't quite figured out how to split the quotes up so I will just do a quick reply. One day I'll take the time to figure it out!

 

Thanks for letting me know it's ok to grieve and also necessary. I have the tendency to cover up my emotions but I think it's what led me to make poor decisions along the way. And if I don't properly deal with this loss, it will just leave feelings unresolved.

 

Regarding my husband, I think I have kept a relatively objective view of him and our marriage. I actually think that he is a wonderful husband and father in so many respects. He is hard-working, engaged, and the most generous person I've ever met. our marriage isn't perfect, but we get along well, spend a lot of time together and rarely argue. I realize though that I am conflict avoidant and have trouble expressing my needs or when I'm unhappy. These are things that I'm realizing now and have played a part in the poor decisions I've made. Definitely the affair has caused me to disconnect even farther as I'm not being honest, but I see now (even as I'm typing) that I was dishonest prior to the affair because I wasn't willing to share my negative feelings with my husband due to fear.

 

As for next steps, I need to deal with MM. I thought we had a good talk, that it had ended. I thought at the time, although it hurts, the way that it ended was the nicest and most ideal way to end things. Now that I've heard from him I don't know what to do. I'm not sure how many times we need to have "the talk". I am feeling tired of it at this point.

[jenkins95]

(((BigBlueSky)))

 

Thanks so much for answering my post again!

 

How are you feeling today? The same as yesterday I guess? That's one of the things about recovery and mental clarity regarding affairs - it tends to take a long time to make progress! But you will and you are already doing the spade work now!

 

Regarding my husband, I think I have kept a relatively objective view of him and our marriage. I actually think that he is a wonderful husband and father in so many respects. He is hard-working, engaged, and the most generous person I've ever met. our marriage isn't perfect, but we get along well, spend a lot of time together and rarely argue. I realize though that I am conflict avoidant and have trouble expressing my needs or when I'm unhappy. These are things that I'm realizing now and have played a part in the poor decisions I've made. Definitely the affair has caused me to disconnect even farther as I'm not being honest, but I see now (even as I'm typing) that I was dishonest prior to the affair because I wasn't willing to share my negative feelings with my husband due to fear.

 

Wow! I almost did a double take reading this! Swap the word 'husband' for 'wife' and I could have written this myself!

 

And……Conflict avoidance! Bingo! We found a major root cause of your issues I think!

 

Conflict avoidance is a big one - and I have a terrible case of it. The more you read waywards' stories and posts, the more you realise that it is a hugely common trait in people that have affairs. We have problems, we don't deal with them for fear of upsetting our spouse, we try to bury our problems, but they eat away at us from within, we become quietly depressed, again not wanting to complain about it for fear of upsetting or inconveniencing others. We become desperate, disconnected, distant, more depressed, a spiralling negative cycle…...and then some of us do something stupid like having an affair in desperation. Ironically, this causes a million times the hurt and upset than if we'd had a few awkward conversations as soon we recognised that there was something that we weren't happy about.

 

This is a HUGE difference between me and my wife. The minute something bothers her, she voices it - she complains, analyses and thrashes it out to the nth degree. When something bothers me, on the other hand, I go silent (although I'm working on it now). At times, my wife sometimes even used to get on my nerves and I thought that some of the problems she voiced were too trivial to even raise. But now I see that she has got it so, so right. It comes naturally to her. She keeps on top of, shares and deals with issues immediately. A positive knock-on effect to me is that there is nothing secretive or elusive about her, no strange, mysterious silences. What you see is what you get. I now see that this is wonderful. Dealing with a spouse who becomes detached and silent must be hugely frustrating, and she’s had to deal a lot with that.

 

With me, the issues started when we moved to my wife's dream town. I had reservations about it, but wanted her to have her dream so I went along with it (and I didn't voice my reservations in any way!). Almost immediately I realised that I hadn't settled there and didn't really like it. This seemed like such a major issue - it is my wife's dream to live there. I came to the conclusion that I either had to shut up and accept it, or my marriage would be over – black and white, just like that. So I shut up...and sank into a depression. And yes, later still I ended up in an affair.

 

Now we are into recovery, I talk openly about the past and how not settling in our new home led me to depression. And you know what? I now realise that, while it is clearly an issue, the problem was nothing like as big as what I'd built it up to be. The trouble is, it was not a problem shared – it existed only in my mind. No wonder it festered and tortured me. My wife is amazed to hear to what degree I was upset, unsettled and depressed - she just knew I had become quiet and distant, but whenever she asked what was wrong, I just said I was fine! Now that it is a shared problem, together we can discuss it, make plans, work-arounds, compromises...as long as we just keep talking about it! What once seemed like a completely insoluble difference in life goals between us is now just one of life's issues for which solutions can be found. If only I'd spoken openly right from the beginning, I'm certain I'd never have had an affair, because I wouldn’t have ever been depressed and disconnected in the first place. I would have also been a better husband BEFORE the A, and the A itself would very likely never have happended. I should have given her the gift of having a husband who was an open book, like she always is, rather than being enigmatic and quiet whenever something was on my mind. I am trying to do this now!

 

Conflict avoidance is a killer in relationships - you have it and I have it BBS. If we can beat that trait in ourselves, then we can have as happy a marriage as the compatibility between our spouses and ourselves allows. And usually there is plenty of compatibility or we never would have met, got together and got married in the first place! If we choose to shut them out of our real feelings, then what else can we expect but disconnection?

 

I'm working hard on my conflict avoidance. I try to voice it now if I don't like or am uncomfortable with anything. It is still unnatural for me and I often stutter and struggle with the words. But I simply HAVE to make that effort - for me, for my wife and my family. It is so much better that we have a small disagreement/argument that is usually resolved in minutes rather than letting a barrier build between us and ultimately disconnect.

 

I think this will be a huge lesson to learn for both of us in helping us to build satisfying marriages!

Keep posting BBS!

Edited May 25, 2017 by jenkins95

[Bittersweetie]

Thanks for sharing, DS. I think that living a life of authenticity is not the easiest path but one that will ultimately bring the most peace internally. Although reading through your story scares me, I also am encouraged by the path you chose and how you are growing through it.

 

At one point a few months after d-day, I decided I was going to fix myself regardless of whether my H and stayed together. I no longer wanted to be the kind of person who did the things I did and hurt people like I did. I worked long and hard on living authentically and rebuilding my personal integrity. You are right, it is not an easy path. But it is so worth the effort. My life is not perfect but I am the happiest I've ever been because I am being the best me and appreciating every single gift I have. Good luck.

[waterwoman]

(((BigBlueSky)))

 

 

Conflict avoidance is a killer in relationships - you have it and I have it BBS. If we can beat that trait in ourselves, then we can have as happy a marriage as the compatibility between our spouses and ourselves allows. And usually there is plenty of compatibility or we never would have met, got together and got married in the first place! If we choose to shut them out of our real feelings, then what else can we expect but disconnection?

 

I'm working hard on my conflict avoidance. I try to voice it now if I don't like or am uncomfortable with anything. It is still unnatural for me and I often stutter and struggle with the words. But I simply HAVE to make that effort - for me, for my wife and my family. It is so much better that we have a small disagreement/argument that is usually resolved in minutes rather than letting a barrier build between us and ultimately disconnect.

!

 

All so true! I am summer lightning - if i am worried or unhappy I will say something quickly and get it over with and clear the air. H is a gathering storm - he gathers and gathers....and gathers until he is unbearable to live with and everyone around him has a tension headache!

 

Pre-A I began to avoid conflict because it seemed to cause so much grief as H reacted so badly and then sulked! I was acting against my nature because H COULD NOT change. So unfair.

 

Honesty (gently offered) is so important. Conflict cannot be avoided at all times and it isn't always a negative.

[BigBlueSky]

(((BigBlueSky)))

 

Thanks so much for answering my post again!

 

How are you feeling today? The same as yesterday I guess? That's one of the things about recovery and mental clarity regarding affairs - it tends to take a long time to make progress! But you will and you are already doing the spade work now!

 

 

 

Wow! I almost did a double take reading this! Swap the word 'husband' for 'wife' and I could have written this myself!

 

And……Conflict avoidance! Bingo! We found a major root cause of your issues I think!

 

Conflict avoidance is a big one - and I have a terrible case of it. The more you read waywards' stories and posts, the more you realise that it is a hugely common trait in people that have affairs. We have problems, we don't deal with them for fear of upsetting our spouse, we try to bury our problems, but they eat away at us from within, we become quietly depressed, again not wanting to complain about it for fear of upsetting or inconveniencing others. We become desperate, disconnected, distant, more depressed, a spiralling negative cycle…...and then some of us do something stupid like having an affair in desperation. Ironically, this causes a million times the hurt and upset than if we'd had a few awkward conversations as soon we recognised that there was something that we weren't happy about.

 

This is a HUGE difference between me and my wife. The minute something bothers her, she voices it - she complains, analyses and thrashes it out to the nth degree. When something bothers me, on the other hand, I go silent (although I'm working on it now). At times, my wife sometimes even used to get on my nerves and I thought that some of the problems she voiced were too trivial to even raise. But now I see that she has got it so, so right. It comes naturally to her. She keeps on top of, shares and deals with issues immediately. A positive knock-on effect to me is that there is nothing secretive or elusive about her, no strange, mysterious silences. What you see is what you get. I now see that this is wonderful. Dealing with a spouse who becomes detached and silent must be hugely frustrating, and she’s had to deal a lot with that.

 

With me, the issues started when we moved to my wife's dream town. I had reservations about it, but wanted her to have her dream so I went along with it (and I didn't voice my reservations in any way!). Almost immediately I realised that I hadn't settled there and didn't really like it. This seemed like such a major issue - it is my wife's dream to live there. I came to the conclusion that I either had to shut up and accept it, or my marriage would be over – black and white, just like that. So I shut up...and sank into a depression. And yes, later still I ended up in an affair.

 

Now we are into recovery, I talk openly about the past and how not settling in our new home led me to depression. And you know what? I now realise that, while it is clearly an issue, the problem was nothing like as big as what I'd built it up to be. The trouble is, it was not a problem shared – it existed only in my mind. No wonder it festered and tortured me. My wife is amazed to hear to what degree I was upset, unsettled and depressed - she just knew I had become quiet and distant, but whenever she asked what was wrong, I just said I was fine! Now that it is a shared problem, together we can discuss it, make plans, work-arounds, compromises...as long as we just keep talking about it! What once seemed like a completely insoluble difference in life goals between us is now just one of life's issues for which solutions can be found. If only I'd spoken openly right from the beginning, I'm certain I'd never have had an affair, because I wouldn’t have ever been depressed and disconnected in the first place. I would have also been a better husband BEFORE the A, and the A itself would very likely never have happended. I should have given her the gift of having a husband who was an open book, like she always is, rather than being enigmatic and quiet whenever something was on my mind. I am trying to do this now!

 

Conflict avoidance is a killer in relationships - you have it and I have it BBS. If we can beat that trait in ourselves, then we can have as happy a marriage as the compatibility between our spouses and ourselves allows. And usually there is plenty of compatibility or we never would have met, got together and got married in the first place! If we choose to shut them out of our real feelings, then what else can we expect but disconnection?

 

I'm working hard on my conflict avoidance. I try to voice it now if I don't like or am uncomfortable with anything. It is still unnatural for me and I often stutter and struggle with the words. But I simply HAVE to make that effort - for me, for my wife and my family. It is so much better that we have a small disagreement/argument that is usually resolved in minutes rather than letting a barrier build between us and ultimately disconnect.

 

I think this will be a huge lesson to learn for both of us in helping us to build satisfying marriages!

Keep posting BBS!

 

Thanks for checking up on me, Jenkins. I'm doing about the same. I'm feeling mentally exhausted and would love to shut my brain off for a bit! I feel like I have a lot to work through and because I am realizing that there is so much I need to work on, I feel overwhelmed. I just want to fix it all and fix it now. But I can't. One step at a time I guess.

 

Yes, conflict avoidance is a huge issue for me and it sounds like I'm not alone! I think I've just lived that way for so long that I am not good anymore at recognizing when I am hurting or not ok with something. I've just told myself that things are okay, that they're not a big deal but after years of build up I know that I'm not ok, and it's not anything specific either. I have recently just started to find my voice in the little things.... And hopefully will work up to bigger things.

 

With MM I think we're in a holding pattern. He has been worried about me and I am still not quite sure how to respond. Do I completely ghost him and stay NC? He knows my schedule well enough that I think he would show up at my door at some point. Or do we need to have to have another conversation? I don't want to handle another conversation about ending and closure yet again. It was hard enough having one last week. Anyway, that's where I am at....

 

Thanks again, Jenkins and the rest of the ls community. It's surreal to me that there's a group like this, listening and encouraging each other, even though we have never met in real life. I am thankful.

[BigBlueSky]

At one point a few months after d-day, I decided I was going to fix myself regardless of whether my H and stayed together. I no longer wanted to be the kind of person who did the things I did and hurt people like I did. I worked long and hard on living authentically and rebuilding my personal integrity. You are right, it is not an easy path. But it is so worth the effort. My life is not perfect but I am the happiest I've ever been because I am being the best me and appreciating every single gift I have. Good luck.

 

Bittersweetie, that is so good for me to hear. Even though it's been hard for you, I am so encouraged to hear that you are the happiest you've been. I feel like I know the right thing to do, but it's so hard to imagine how much pain will come initially so I am hesitating.

[BigBlueSky]

All so true! I am summer lightning - if i am worried or unhappy I will say something quickly and get it over with and clear the air. H is a gathering storm - he gathers and gathers....and gathers until he is unbearable to live with and everyone around him has a tension headache!

 

Pre-A I began to avoid conflict because it seemed to cause so much grief as H reacted so badly and then sulked! I was acting against my nature because H COULD NOT change. So unfair.

 

Honesty (gently offered) is so important. Conflict cannot be avoided at all times and it isn't always a negative.

 

I've always admired people that could say what's on their mind! I've always been overly cautious and careful, not wanting to rock the boat so I end up not saying much at all. My husband has always been a steady rock, not overly emotional either. It makes for a calm home with many things left unsaid.

[deadsoul]

Thanks for checking up on me, Jenkins. I'm doing about the same. I'm feeling mentally exhausted and would love to shut my brain off for a bit! I feel like I have a lot to work through and because I am realizing that there is so much I need to work on, I feel overwhelmed. I just want to fix it all and fix it now. But I can't. One step at a time I guess.

 

Yes, conflict avoidance is a huge issue for me and it sounds like I'm not alone! I think I've just lived that way for so long that I am not good anymore at recognizing when I am hurting or not ok with something. I've just told myself that things are okay, that they're not a big deal but after years of build up I know that I'm not ok, and it's not anything specific either. I have recently just started to find my voice in the little things.... And hopefully will work up to bigger things.

 

With MM I think we're in a holding pattern. He has been worried about me and I am still not quite sure how to respond. Do I completely ghost him and stay NC? He knows my schedule well enough that I think he would show up at my door at some point. Or do we need to have to have another conversation? I don't want to handle another conversation about ending and closure yet again. It was hard enough having one last week. Anyway, that's where I am at....

 

Thanks again, Jenkins and the rest of the ls community. It's surreal to me that there's a group like this, listening and encouraging each other, even though we have never met in real life. I am thankful.

 

No. Time to end this conflict avoidance thing and that's what ghosting is. End it. Tell him you are refocusing on your marriage and you need him to not contact you again. Tell him you are blocking him from any means of contact. And then do it. If you want to end this, you need to "woman up" (ha ha, sounds so much better to say "man up") and do it. It's the first step toward healing. It sounds cruel, but it's way better than ghosting. Closure is a bunch of bull. It comes from within. Another person can't give that to you, nor can you give it to him.

 

Good luck OP. You have a long road ahead of you. Make the choice to get on the right path. You seem to want to do this.

[jenkins95]

All so true! I am summer lightning - if i am worried or unhappy I will say something quickly and get it over with and clear the air. H is a gathering storm - he gathers and gathers....and gathers until he is unbearable to live with and everyone around him has a tension headache!

 

Pre-A I began to avoid conflict because it seemed to cause so much grief as H reacted so badly and then sulked! I was acting against my nature because H COULD NOT change. So unfair.

 

Honesty (gently offered) is so important. Conflict cannot be avoided at all times and it isn't always a negative.

 

(((waterwoman)))

 

You and your H sound exactly like my wife and I, right down to who did the cheating. Conflict avoidance is definitely a biggie when looking at root causes of cheater behaviour.

 

To those of us that it doesn't come natural too, it really is working very hard on mastering that skill.

[jenkins95]

Thanks for checking up on me, Jenkins. I'm doing about the same. I'm feeling mentally exhausted and would love to shut my brain off for a bit! I feel like I have a lot to work through and because I am realizing that there is so much I need to work on, I feel overwhelmed. I just want to fix it all and fix it now. But I can't. One step at a time I guess.

 

Thanks for the update BBS. One step at a time, day by day is the right strategy! Keep it up and please kep the posts coming. You are already dong really well - this is obvious just from your posts.

 

Regarding MM, I agree with deasoul: "End it. Tell him you are refocusing on your marriage and you need him to not contact you again."

 

For all converned, it will be better if this is done in as respectful and gentle a manner as possible. If you can smile at each other and wish each other the best, then why not? But it has to be 100% clear that it's over.

 

Good luck, have as nice a weekend as you can, and keep us posted.

[malvern99]

Regarding MM, I agree with deasoul: "End it. Tell him you are refocusing on your marriage and you need him to not contact you again."

 

For all converned, it will be better if this is done in as respectful and gentle a manner as possible. If you can smile at each other and wish each other the best, then why not? But it has to be 100% clear that it's over.

 

Good luck, have as nice a weekend as you can, and keep us posted.

 

With all due respect, if OP keeps doing what she's been doing, the results will be the same. She'll continue her on off relationship with her boyfriend until something changes. She can't expect different results if the inputs are the same as before. GIGO.

 

Affairs are addictions, and just as someone addicted to heroin can't kick the habit alone, a person trying to kick an affair can't do it alone. If they could, there would be no need for places like this forum. Real life support from those closest to OP is a vital ingredient to recovery. In fact, it may be her strongest bulwark against relapsing. Moral reasons aside, that is one of the best reasons to inform a spouse of their reality. Good luck.

[deadsoul]

With all due respect, if OP keeps doing what she's been doing, the results will be the same. She'll continue her on off relationship with her boyfriend until something changes. She can't expect different results if the inputs are the same as before. GIGO.

 

Affairs are addictions, and just as someone addicted to heroin can't kick the habit alone, a person trying to kick an affair can't do it alone. If they could, there would be no need for places like this forum. Real life support from those closest to OP is a vital ingredient to recovery. In fact, it may be her strongest bulwark against relapsing. Moral reasons aside, that is one of the best reasons to inform a spouse of their reality. Good luck.

 

I agree with this part.

 

But I'm not sure confessing to the BS is the ideal way to "kick the habit." Confession should come because OP wants to put her marriage back on track (if possible) and put herself on a better path. In my case, I confessed 3 months after the A ended. I needed that time. I know that was selfish of me, but so were my previous actions. I could not confess and let my spouse see that my heart was hurting over the A. I had done more than enough to him already.

[BigBlueSky]

No. Time to end this conflict avoidance thing and that's what ghosting is. End it. Tell him you are refocusing on your marriage and you need him to not contact you again. Tell him you are blocking him from any means of contact. And then do it. If you want to end this, you need to "woman up" (ha ha, sounds so much better to say "man up") and do it. It's the first step toward healing. It sounds cruel, but it's way better than ghosting. Closure is a bunch of bull. It comes from within. Another person can't give that to you, nor can you give it to him.

 

Good luck OP. You have a long road ahead of you. Make the choice to get on the right path. You seem to want to do this.

 

I guess I have a few reasons why I've hesitated in responding to him (other than the fact that I am conflict avoidant!!) I really did feel that last time we spoke was final. We said our goodbyes at that time and I started the grieving process then. I feel like for me to respond would connect me to him again and the same cycle would continue. An even bigger reason right now though is that I really want to talk to him and see him. I've been struggling with that this weekend. I know that my intention right now in reaching out would so that we would be in contact again and talking. Which inevitably will lead to trying to see each other. I'm waiting for the resolve to go total NC again and am reminding myself why it's for the best. I'm just going to try not to reach out and hope this feeling passes soon.... I don't know if that makes sense.

[deadsoul]

I guess I have a few reasons why I've hesitated in responding to him (other than the fact that I am conflict avoidant!!) I really did feel that last time we spoke was final. We said our goodbyes at that time and I started the grieving process then. I feel like for me to respond would connect me to him again and the same cycle would continue. An even bigger reason right now though is that I really want to talk to him and see him. I've been struggling with that this weekend. I know that my intention right now in reaching out would so that we would be in contact again and talking. Which inevitably will lead to trying to see each other. I'm waiting for the resolve to go total NC again and am reminding myself why it's for the best. I'm just going to try not to reach out and hope this feeling passes soon.... I don't know if that makes sense.

 

Oh it makes more sense than you know.

 

Do not contact him unless he contacts you, but then say what I said above. And then block him so you don't have to worry about it.

 

It is so hard, but it's the first step towards making good changes. It is one of the hardest.

 

Do anything else but contact him. It's part of the addiction. I promise, it gets so much easier.

[Bufo]

This is a repeat of several earlier posts by me to OWs contacted by MM.

 

Rule Number One of being a married man in an affair is that it is far easier to try to connect with XOW than it is to locate, groom and seduce a new AP.

 

Therefore, presume his attempts to contact you post A are attempts to reconnect. Were you better off in an active A than you are now? Did you ever feel that you were being used? Ever resent his attachment to his BW?

Ever sit home lonely hoping he would call or text or see you?

 

Once he's entrenched with a new OW he'll forget about you. Be proactive and forget about him. It's certainly it easy as you know. But it is a better outcome.

[BigBlueSky]

Oh it makes more sense than you know.

 

Do not contact him unless he contacts you, but then say what I said above. And then block him so you don't have to worry about it.

 

It is so hard, but it's the first step towards making good changes. It is one of the hardest.

 

Do anything else but contact him. It's part of the addiction. I promise, it gets so much easier.

 

Thanks for the encouragement, ds. I think I have been struggling so much this weekend because I know it's not over. Although we had closed the door, I didn't block him and hearing from him has set me back. And it would be so easy to reach out to him and fall back into our old routine.

 

I wonder if I have it in me to send him one final email, to the point, and close all the doors. I actually started writing an email on Friday to let him know I was done for real. I didn't have a chance to finish it and had it saved in drafts and when I logged back in, there was a new email from him sitting there. I haven't been able to finish my email to him.

 

I wish I could believe you that it gets easier. Actually I know that it can. We have gone half a year without talking in the past and I remember feeling almost myself at that point but all it takes is one text or email to pull me back in.

[BigBlueSky]

This is a repeat of several earlier posts by me to OWs contacted by MM.

 

Rule Number One of being a married man in an affair is that it is far easier to try to connect with XOW than it is to locate, groom and seduce a new AP.

 

Therefore, presume his attempts to contact you post A are attempts to reconnect. Were you better off in an active A than you are now? Did you ever feel that you were being used? Ever resent his attachment to his BW?

Ever sit home lonely hoping he would call or text or see you?

 

Once he's entrenched with a new OW he'll forget about you. Be proactive and forget about him. It's certainly it easy as you know. But it is a better outcome.

 

I definitely agree that his attempts to contact are because he wants to reconnect. I know that he is confused just like I am. I know from our conversations that we felt we were both lacking something in our marriages and our relationship filled a void. And we have both voiced that this was a unhealthy way for us to fill that void. I can't say that I've resented his relationship with his BW. Although I know that my actions have contributed to damaging their relationship, when I am thinking with my head and not my heart I truly want him to have a happy and healthy relationship with her, and me with my BH. I think that the things I struggle with personally right now will be brought into any future relationships (not that I want any) and I need to deal with them...

[deadsoul]

I definitely agree that his attempts to contact are because he wants to reconnect. I know that he is confused just like I am. I know from our conversations that we felt we were both lacking something in our marriages and our relationship filled a void. And we have both voiced that this was a unhealthy way for us to fill that void. I can't say that I've resented his relationship with his BW. Although I know that my actions have contributed to damaging their relationship, when I am thinking with my head and not my heart I truly want him to have a happy and healthy relationship with her, and me with my BH. I think that the things I struggle with personally right now will be brought into any future relationships (not that I want any) and I need to deal with them...

 

My biggest mistake was thinking someone else could fill that missing void. And that's exactly what I said, "OM fills the pieces that H doesn't fill."

 

But it just can't work that way. Other people cannot fill your void. You have to find what is missing in yourself and fill it yourself. And if you can't do it in your marriage, then you may need to think about taking some steps there too. Think about how much power you are turning over to OM. One call or email draws you in? You are stronger than that. Fight the addiction. There are these stupid things called emotions that really get in the way, but ride them out and don't act on them.

 

I'm doing a lot of work on myself, figuring out who I am and how to make myself happy. NO one else can do that for me. It is hard work. It is painful work. But I'm taking long looks at who I was and who I want to be. I do not want to be that girl I was last year. But there are parts of her (the good parts) that I think I put away and I'm thinking long and hard about how to bring her out in a way that isn't harmful to others.

 

You read all the stories on here and they are all nearly the same. And here we were thinking we were unique.

[BigBlueSky]

My biggest mistake was thinking someone else could fill that missing void. And that's exactly what I said, "OM fills the pieces that H doesn't fill."

 

But it just can't work that way. Other people cannot fill your void. You have to find what is missing in yourself and fill it yourself. And if you can't do it in your marriage, then you may need to think about taking some steps there too. Think about how much power you are turning over to OM. One call or email draws you in? You are stronger than that. Fight the addiction. There are these stupid things called emotions that really get in the way, but ride them out and don't act on them.

 

I'm doing a lot of work on myself, figuring out who I am and how to make myself happy. NO one else can do that for me. It is hard work. It is painful work. But I'm taking long looks at who I was and who I want to be. I do not want to be that girl I was last year. But there are parts of her (the good parts) that I think I put away and I'm thinking long and hard about how to bring her out in a way that isn't harmful to others.

 

You read all the stories on here and they are all nearly the same. And here we were thinking we were unique.

 

I'm sorry to say I reached out and let him know I was ok. And we are talking now. There is the question of what we are going to do given our last conversation, but we haven't decided and talked through it. So that's that....

 

I know logically why this is a futile relationship on the road to nowhere and will be destructive in the end. I can see why this is an addiction.

Edited May 30, 2017 by BigBlueSky

[deadsoul]

Then end it with your H. You owe him that much. I'm sorry you are continuing on this path. Good luck. It's not an easy road and it's even worse when you get caught.

[DKT3]

Then end it with your H. You owe him that much. I'm sorry you are continuing on this path. Good luck. It's not an easy road and it's even worse when you get caught.

 

As you have probably figured, people who have affairs don't want the marriage to end, if they did then they wouldn't be married. When you truly want out of a marriage it doesn't take someone else to convince or sex you up to get there. Like most waywards, she wants it all, the marriage and the comforts it brings, the affair and the excitement it brings. What others in her life need or want is irrelevant in her state of mind.

 

The problem is, soon she won't have a choice.

[Birdies]

This is going to end very badly if you don't pull your act together. Please listen to those of us who have gone through the worst experience of our lives - destroying spouses and/or children unfathomably, and all due to our own selfishness and stupid choices. You either end things now on your own terms, or later when you least expect it and you can't control ANYTHING. A husband who hates you and is in the worst pain imaginable, family and friends who see you as a cheating POS who single-handedly destroyed your marriage, and an AP who throws you under the bus.

[Overtaxed]

This is going to end very badly if you don't pull your act together. Please listen to those of us who have gone through the worst experience of our lives - destroying spouses and/or children unfathomably, and all due to our own selfishness and stupid choices. You either end things now on your own terms, or later when you least expect it and you can't control ANYTHING. A husband who hates you and is in the worst pain imaginable, family and friends who see you as a cheating POS who single-handedly destroyed your marriage, and an AP who throws you under the bus.

 

^^This^^

 

You're not going to get what you want out of this A unless you just want a roll in the hay with another man and some words that make you feel good but have no meaning behind them. Keep reading, you'll see pretty quickly, A's don't turn out well for anyone, but women, in particular, get the raw end of the stick. Your husband will leave you, your friends and family will think less of you and you'll wind up with no husband; the AP will not marry you, that almost never happens (and if it does, it ends in divorce almost all the time). This a road that leads nowhere happy, I can promise you that. The only way it "works out" is if you really just want to have some more sex, you'll still get all the pain and heartache but at least you'll get the sex too. If you want anything else, emotional closeness, a new husband/boyfriend, a confidant, someone to stand by you... None of those things are going to happen in a typical A, just read the stories here, you'll figure it out pretty fast.