In Need of Support....

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm sorry to say I reached out and let him know I was ok. And we are talking now. There is the question of what we are going to do given our last conversation, but we haven't decided and talked through it. So that's that....

 

I know logically why this is a futile relationship on the road to nowhere and will be destructive in the end. I can see why this is an addiction.

 

It will end when his wife finds out and he drops you cold, blames you, says you pursued him, calls you a liar and a crazy person. You will still feel addicted though and not understand how he flips the switch so easily. It's because while this is real to you, it is just fun and free sex to him. You would be wise to do yourself a big favor and end it today. No letters, no emails, no heartfelt conversations. Just go dark. Am I being mean you think? Trust me, he would - and will - do it to you without a moment's hesitation. You still have the ability here to salvage some of your self esteem and pride and walk away looking like a strong woman to him.

 

Don't think he is like Jenkins, our resident sweet guy here. 99% of them are not like Jenkins. They just use married women who have weakened boundaries and they actually have very little respect for women who cheat on their husbands. Don't believe me? Go do some reading on the other board to see how men r-e-a-l-l-y feel.

 

To answer your other question about D-Day, my situation is a bit different and you can read all my 1700 posts, but basically I chose to tell my husband the complete story because it was literally destroying me inside. I was a certifiable mess over the way xmm treated me and I had all those love feelings you read about here. I was suicidal and it was the only option.

 

Those are really not great reasons for confession though as it was all about me and when it's all about you, you basically dump a load of your own sh*t on the other person who is now left holding the bag. But - I was at the point where I was okay if he wanted to get divorced as I had been unhappy for years. He was aware of my unhappiness and this juncture in our lives led him to want to change things and rebuild our marriage.

 

So should you confess? Confess if you want to give your husband the choice to get divorced or fix your marriage. Don't confess to dump your emotional baggage on another person or think that it will magically stop your A. It won't. Now you will only have a very upset spouse and feel the same for this other guy. He had his own A and I had to deal with him getting over her (and he had to deal with me getting over my xmm). I am not sure I know the whole truth and I don't really want to know.

 

I will tell you that while my husband is happy I told him as it allowed us to fix our marriage, in general he is a fan of taking things to the grave. On some level I agree. If he is out and hooks up with someone in a ONS, don't dump it on me. However, if he is in love with someone, I want to know because I don't want to be in a marriage with someone in love with someone else. For myself, I lost 2 years of my life to this thing so I know that I will never have another affair.

 

I think it will be really hard for you after 3 years to just end it and act like nothing happened at home. The stress will be difficult for you. My immediate advice would be to end it and see a therapist to talk about this.

[BigBlueSky]

I wanted to quickly write to say thank you to everyone for responding. Although it's hard to hear I need it.

 

I just wanted to say that in talking to him, it makes me feel like crap and I feel anxious. I don't feel good about opening up the door again.

 

Also, not that it matters because what we are doing is wrong, but we haven't actually had sex. After all of these years. Not sure if that makes a difference as I can still see what we are doing as wrong and destructive.

[DKT3]

I wanted to quickly write to say thank you to everyone for responding. Although it's hard to hear I need it.

 

I just wanted to say that in talking to him, it makes me feel like crap and I feel anxious. I don't feel good about opening up the door again.

 

Also, not that it matters because what we are doing is wrong, but we haven't actually had sex. After all of these years. Not sure if that makes a difference as I can still see what we are doing as wrong and destructive.

 

Actually, for your husband it will make a huge difference. Not to say that it won't be painful or that he would even believe you. If you can somehow convince him your being honest it will make a huge difference, if nothing other than him not having the mind movies, which are horrible.

[deadsoul]

I wanted to quickly write to say thank you to everyone for responding. Although it's hard to hear I need it.

 

I just wanted to say that in talking to him, it makes me feel like crap and I feel anxious. I don't feel good about opening up the door again.

 

Also, not that it matters because what we are doing is wrong, but we haven't actually had sex. After all of these years. Not sure if that makes a difference as I can still see what we are doing as wrong and destructive.

 

Sex is just a matter of time. Trust me. The crap and anxious feelings you feel? It only gets worse. But you'll do it for that 5 minute high. Yes. It's like that. I feel like you want to do the right thing. I get how difficult it is. I wish I could show you what you'll experience to stop you. It makes me sad that if you come back here, I will be saying "I told you so."

 

Fix what is wrong with your marriage. Be strong OP. You can do it.

[Bittersweetie]

After d-day, my H told me that there was a big professional decision that he would've made differently if he'd known about my A. He made a career choice (for us as a family) based on what he thought was his reality...not the actual reality, which I took away from him.

 

This is what you're doing to your husband. You have taken away his reality, the life he thinks he's leading, what he is basing his decisions and choices on. His life is a lie and it is your fault.

 

By continuing to talk with AP, give him your mental energy, you are allowing your H to live a lie. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is true. Hey, I was a WS spouse too, and I've been there. While the A was hard for my H to work through, it was the lies and lies by omission that were the hardest to move past.

 

I hope you can find the courage to end this A completely and heal yourself. Good luck.

[malvern99]

I wanted to quickly write to say thank you to everyone for responding. Although it's hard to hear I need it.

 

I just wanted to say that in talking to him, it makes me feel like crap and I feel anxious. I don't feel good about opening up the door again.

 

Also, not that it matters because what we are doing is wrong, but we haven't actually had sex. After all of these years. Not sure if that makes a difference as I can still see what we are doing as wrong and destructive.

 

The lack of sex may or may not make a difference to your spouse. People are different in that regard. Whether or not he'll believe you is another matter entirely. In his shoes, I'd honestly have a hard time believing there was no sex in 3 years, but that's just me.The deception for 3 years + is what will really eat away at him. Your case is especially sensitive because it seems your spouse may know or know of the OM already, and your kids were connected at some point. That will compound the humiliation especially if you ran in the same social circles.

 

Let's imagine the roles were reversed and it was your spouse hiding an ongoing 3 year affair. Would you feel that you had the right to know about it in order to decide what is best for you and your children, or would you be ok with your spouse making that decision for you by keeping you in the dark?

[Birdies]

^^This^^

 

You're not going to get what you want out of this A unless you just want a roll in the hay with another man and some words that make you feel good but have no meaning behind them. Keep reading, you'll see pretty quickly, A's don't turn out well for anyone, but women, in particular, get the raw end of the stick. Your husband will leave you, your friends and family will think less of you and you'll wind up with no husband; the AP will not marry you, that almost never happens (and if it does, it ends in divorce almost all the time). This a road that leads nowhere happy, I can promise you that. The only way it "works out" is if you really just want to have some more sex, you'll still get all the pain and heartache but at least you'll get the sex too. If you want anything else, emotional closeness, a new husband/boyfriend, a confidant, someone to stand by you... None of those things are going to happen in a typical A, just read the stories here, you'll figure it out pretty fast.

 

And even if you do end up with your AP and they are the extremely rare decent guy who made a bunch of ****ty choices but is trying to learn from and never repeat them - it STILL sucks!!! I love my partner (former AP) and I'm so grateful for him, and our relationship in its little bubble is near perfect, but even that is not worth the horrible pain I inflicted on my (now ex) husband and the way that I've irreparably tarnished myself personally and professionally. The scarlet A is real, yo, and it's not fun. Point is, a "happy ending" is incredibly unlikely, and even if it happens, it's still a horrible experience.

Edited May 30, 2017 by Birdies

[MidnightBlue1980]

I wanted to quickly write to say thank you to everyone for responding. Although it's hard to hear I need it.

 

I just wanted to say that in talking to him, it makes me feel like crap and I feel anxious. I don't feel good about opening up the door again.

 

Also, not that it matters because what we are doing is wrong, but we haven't actually had sex. After all of these years. Not sure if that makes a difference as I can still see what we are doing as wrong and destructive.

 

It will make a big difference in terms of your being able to get over it faster. Sex bonds people, particularly a woman to a man.

 

Its hard to say if it will make a difference in terms of your husband. Of course yes but on the other hand, he and others will say you are lying. My husband claims to this day he and OW sat in cars till 3am and went to parks and just kissed and talked. Even his own mother does not believe him. I'll never 100% believe him.

[jenkins95]

I just wanted to say that in talking to him, it makes me feel like crap and I feel anxious. I don't feel good about opening up the door again.

 

(((BBS)))

 

How are you doing today? Thinking of you!

 

Don't beat yourself up too much over the recent contact with MM. Just get straight back on your horse. How many heroin addicts quit their drug on day 1 and never had a slip up? Not many! How many of us "affair addicts" went NC on day 1 and never looked back or had a breach of NC? Not many. I definitely didn't, and recognising the user names of many of the posters to your thread, I know that many of them didn't either.

 

It happened, minor blip, now you can put it behind you! It's a long road with lots of little bumps, and you just navigated one of them.

 

I'm very encouraged by what you wrote above - it hasn't woken up all those dizzy love feelings, it's actually made you feel like cr** and has confirmed in your mind that you don't want to re-open that door.

 

You are doing great.... It's very early days!

 

Keep the posts coming!

 

Edit: the above is not to say that I don't agree with the "tough love" that the other posters are giving you. They are right in what they say and I agree about how damaging a breech in NC is. It basically sets you right back to square one. But so early on like you are, it does happen and it's much better to have a one week set back than several months. Back to NC now and learn from this and you will get there BBS.

Edited June 1, 2017 by jenkins95

[BigBlueSky]

(((BBS)))

 

How are you doing today? Thinking of you!

 

Don't beat yourself up too much over the recent contact with MM. Just get straight back on your horse. How many heroin addicts quit their drug on day 1 and never had a slip up? Not many! How many of us "affair addicts" went NC on day 1 and never looked back or had a breach of NC? Not many. I definitely didn't, and recognising the user names of many of the posters to your thread, I know that many of them didn't either.

 

It happened, minor blip, now you can put it behind you! It's a long road with lots of little bumps, and you just navigated one of them.

 

I'm very encouraged by what you wrote above - it hasn't woken up all those dizzy love feelings, it's actually made you feel like cr** and has confirmed in your mind that you don't want to re-open that door.

 

You are doing great.... It's very early days!

 

Keep the posts coming!

 

Edit: the above is not to say that I don't agree with the "tough love" that the other posters are giving you. They are right in what they say and I agree about how damaging a breech in NC is. It basically sets you right back to square one. But so early on like you are, it does happen and it's much better to have a one week set back than several months. Back to NC now and learn from this and you will get there BBS.

 

Hi Jenkins and thanks to everyone else that wrote. There are unrelated things that have been going on that I've had to deal with which I won't get into here, but I will take the time to properly think about what you have all said.

 

Despite the recent contact, MM and I both know that we need to have "the talk". And I know what the end result will be. I don't think that's changed.

 

For now, there are some major things that I need to deal with. My BS and I are always the one to put out other people's fires... We are in the middle of a major one right now. I don't have the head space to think about MM at this point.

 

Thanks for checking in on me and for your support. And for everybody's contributions, the encouragements and the 2x4s.

[Birdies]

You already had The Talk, no? Why do you need to do it again? You both know that you desperately need to end this. But you don't want to, so you haven't. I'm not judging - been there done that.

 

But be honest with yourself. Having another talk isn't going to change that. You need to WANT to end things. What can you do to get yourself there? Think more about that, and less about ways to keep talking to MM under the guise of making plans to stop talking.

[Southern Sun]

I'll give you one other perspective that just hit me last night as I was falling asleep...

 

Considering the length of time of my affair (about 2 and 1/2 years) and then the length of time it is taking to recover (beyond 3 and 1/2 years now and am estimating it will ultimately be around 5 years)...

 

I have used up more than a quarter of my children's life in the home with us having this freaking affair.

 

That is worst case scenario because I did end it at the 2 and 1/2 year mark, but my MIND has been sunk deep in this crap for a LONG time and beyond the end, so it is more than that amount of time.

 

When I was having in the affair, especially during certain stretches, I was totally absent mentally and emotionally. If I wasn't checked out, I was at the end of my rope. It makes me so ashamed I can hardly think of it.

 

Now during recovery, even while my mind is blessedly feeling normal again and present, there is so much work in reconciliation and lots of spirals downward. We are still very much being used up by this affair.

 

It has wasted years of my life, my BH's life, and thus, we have missed out on being fully present for our children.

 

I get it. Things happen. Anything could have happened. But this one was avoidable.

 

Affairs can rob you of life.

[jenkins95]

I'll give you one other perspective that just hit me last night as I was falling asleep...

 

Considering the length of time of my affair (about 2 and 1/2 years) and then the length of time it is taking to recover (beyond 3 and 1/2 years now and am estimating it will ultimately be around 5 years)...

 

I have used up more than a quarter of my children's life in the home with us having this freaking affair.

 

That is worst case scenario because I did end it at the 2 and 1/2 year mark, but my MIND has been sunk deep in this crap for a LONG time and beyond the end, so it is more than that amount of time.

 

When I was having in the affair, especially during certain stretches, I was totally absent mentally and emotionally. If I wasn't checked out, I was at the end of my rope. It makes me so ashamed I can hardly think of it.

 

Now during recovery, even while my mind is blessedly feeling normal again and present, there is so much work in reconciliation and lots of spirals downward. We are still very much being used up by this affair.

 

It has wasted years of my life, my BH's life, and thus, we have missed out on being fully present for our children.

 

I get it. Things happen. Anything could have happened. But this one was avoidable.

 

Affairs can rob you of life.

 

Another amazing post by Southern Sun. Another one I agree word for word with. Slightly shorter affair, but similar recovery time projections. It will end up costing me (and others) the best part of a decade of mental peace.

 

The bit in bold says it all.

 

I truly hope you a full recovery soon, Southern Sun. I'm rooting for you. After all this suffering, you (and your H and family) truly deserve it SS.

 

BBS, I hope you manage to resolve the situation that you are helping with back home. Please come back and join us when you can.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Another amazing post by Southern Sun. Another one I agree word for word with. Slightly shorter affair, but similar recovery time projections. It will end up costing me (and others) the best part of a decade of mental peace.

 

The bit in bold says it all.

 

I truly hope you a full recovery soon, Southern Sun. I'm rooting for you. After all this suffering, you (and your H and family) truly deserve it SS.

 

BBS, I hope you manage to resolve the situation that you are helping with back home. Please come back and join us when you can.

 

My affair was very very brief....and we have been in reconciliation for 33 years. I got news for all of you...this is for the REST of your life.

 

It isn't OVER in 5 years. It will continue to rob you of thoughts...of peace....it will replace those things with regret...and wishing you could undo it the rest of your life.

 

No you won't dewll on it every day...no you won't be sad every day... but it will forever be a part of you.

 

Triggers will still happen..though less frequently and lasting shorter periods of time. But triggers are memories....and you will forever have memories.

 

There is not one single day in the past 33 years that we have not looked at each other and touched...because we are both thinking the same thing...god i wish it had never happened.

 

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving.

[jenkins95]

My affair was very very brief....and we have been in reconciliation for 33 years. I got news for all of you...this is for the REST of your life.

 

It isn't OVER in 5 years. It will continue to rob you of thoughts...of peace....it will replace those things with regret...and wishing you could undo it the rest of your life.

 

No you won't dewll on it every day...no you won't be sad every day... but it will forever be a part of you.

 

Triggers will still happen..though less frequently and lasting shorter periods of time. But triggers are memories....and you will forever have memories.

 

There is not one single day in the past 33 years that we have not looked at each other and touched...because we are both thinking the same thing...god i wish it had never happened.

 

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving.

 

Very wise words and I thank you for them. I don't think that Southern Sun or I were suggesting that, at five years, we can just say "Great! Thank goodness all that is over and done with!" I know that this will be a part of me, of us, always and that we will be working on our reconciliation forever. The posts from you and John (and others) have been an immense help in truly appreciating this. I just hope, that after five years, the sheer raw pain, the twitchiness in my nerve endings, the waking up in the middle of the night troubled and tortured... perhaps by then we may at least be able to put those horrors behind us.

 

Thanks for another inspirational post. It's great to have role models you two to aspire to when contemplating the reconciliation that will be the rest of our lives.

Edited June 1, 2017 by jenkins95

[deadsoul]

Hi Jenkins and thanks to everyone else that wrote. There are unrelated things that have been going on that I've had to deal with which I won't get into here, but I will take the time to properly think about what you have all said.

 

Despite the recent contact, MM and I both know that we need to have "the talk". And I know what the end result will be. I don't think that's changed.

 

For now, there are some major things that I need to deal with. My BS and I are always the one to put out other people's fires... We are in the middle of a major one right now. I don't have the head space to think about MM at this point.

 

Thanks for checking in on me and for your support. And for everybody's contributions, the encouragements and the 2x4s.

 

In a way, dealing with whatever you are dealing with right now will help you not deal with OM. But don't avoid this forever. You can do it... it won't be easy. Just keep pushing forward and taking a day at a time.

[BigBlueSky]

You already had The Talk, no? Why do you need to do it again? You both know that you desperately need to end this. But you don't want to, so you haven't. I'm not judging - been there done that.

 

But be honest with yourself. Having another talk isn't going to change that. You need to WANT to end things. What can you do to get yourself there? Think more about that, and less about ways to keep talking to MM under the guise of making plans to stop talking.

 

I think we just need to conclude it once and for all. I haven't talked to him since I've had to deal with the other major thing that came up. We are still in the midst of handling it and I feel like I can barely keep my head above water right now. I don't have much head space to think about MM or even talk to him right now, knowing what's coming.

 

I do think I want to end things, but at the same time I don't. I flip flop. I don't know what I need to do to get myself more consistently wanting go end things. Right now I do... But at this moment my heart is just so tired and broken from other things going on and I know that when I talk to MM and end it, I will need to handle another heartbreak which I don't have the energy to handle right now.

[BigBlueSky]

I'll give you one other perspective that just hit me last night as I was falling asleep...

 

Considering the length of time of my affair (about 2 and 1/2 years) and then the length of time it is taking to recover (beyond 3 and 1/2 years now and am estimating it will ultimately be around 5 years)...

 

I have used up more than a quarter of my children's life in the home with us having this freaking affair.

 

That is worst case scenario because I did end it at the 2 and 1/2 year mark, but my MIND has been sunk deep in this crap for a LONG time and beyond the end, so it is more than that amount of time.

 

When I was having in the affair, especially during certain stretches, I was totally absent mentally and emotionally. If I wasn't checked out, I was at the end of my rope. It makes me so ashamed I can hardly think of it.

 

Now during recovery, even while my mind is blessedly feeling normal again and present, there is so much work in reconciliation and lots of spirals downward. We are still very much being used up by this affair.

 

It has wasted years of my life, my BH's life, and thus, we have missed out on being fully present for our children.

 

I get it. Things happen. Anything could have happened. But this one was avoidable.

 

Affairs can rob you of life.

 

Hi SS, I agree that affairs can take so much. I wish I hadn't gone down this path in the first place. I've never thought it in terms of how much of my children's lives it has taken. Thanks for the perspective. When I thought about it in terms of length, I always brought it back to how much of my marriage has been impacted... although MM and I weren't in contact for a lot of the time span (we were on/off a lot) it has taken a lot of mental energy from me throughout.

[BigBlueSky]

Another amazing post by Southern Sun. Another one I agree word for word with. Slightly shorter affair, but similar recovery time projections. It will end up costing me (and others) the best part of a decade of mental peace.

 

The bit in bold says it all.

 

I truly hope you a full recovery soon, Southern Sun. I'm rooting for you. After all this suffering, you (and your H and family) truly deserve it SS.

 

BBS, I hope you manage to resolve the situation that you are helping with back home. Please come back and join us when you can.

 

Thanks, Jenkins. I feel like I don't have the energy to deal with the ending the affair at this point. I do know it has to happen though. I'm just going to try to stay away from talking to MM while I am dealing with all the other things, and then ready myself for dealing with the end of this relationship.

[freengreen]

You will have to jump off this cliff sooner or later and this cliff is special because it gets higher day by day.... the sooner the better.

 

I only saw cloud 9 when I was in it, although obvious.. it never occurrd that I had to jump from there. The only shortcut is to do it sooner. Aweful ****e.

[Bittersweetie]

Thanks, Jenkins. I feel like I don't have the energy to deal with the ending the affair at this point. I do know it has to happen though. I'm just going to try to stay away from talking to MM while I am dealing with all the other things, and then ready myself for dealing with the end of this relationship.

 

I think you know this BBS...but there is never going to be a good time or right time to end the relationship. The sooner you end it, the sooner you can work through everything and get yourself back on track. Get started on that healthier path now rather than making excuses.

 

Think of it this way too...if you have a d-day, then it won't matter what other things are going on or what energy you will have.

[freengreen]

My affair was very very brief....and we have been in reconciliation for 33 years. I got news for all of you...this is for the REST of your life.

 

It isn't OVER in 5 years. It will continue to rob you of thoughts...of peace....it will replace those things with regret...and wishing you could undo it the rest of your life.

 

No you won't dewll on it every day...no you won't be sad every day... but it will forever be a part of you.

 

Triggers will still happen..though less frequently and lasting shorter periods of time. But triggers are memories....and you will forever have memories.

 

There is not one single day in the past 33 years that we have not looked at each other and touched...because we are both thinking the same thing...god i wish it had never happened.

 

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving.

This sounds horrible!... rest of the life????...please someone say that its not true * palm over face in sigh*

[Blu72]

I think we just need to conclude it once and for all. I haven't talked to him since I've had to deal with the other major thing that came up. We are still in the midst of handling it and I feel like I can barely keep my head above water right now. I don't have much head space to think about MM or even talk to him right now, knowing what's coming.

 

I do think I want to end things, but at the same time I don't. I flip flop. I don't know what I need to do to get myself more consistently wanting go end things. Right now I do... But at this moment my heart is just so tired and broken from other things going on and I know that when I talk to MM and end it, I will need to handle another heartbreak which I don't have the energy to handle right now.

 

 

I can relate to some of this. But there is NEVER going to be an ideal time to end it when it will hurt less. Take it from me...it took almost 6 year of on/off for me to end it and it still isnt easy. Do the right thing and let him go..you can do this.

[BigBlueSky]

I haven't posted as there has been a lot of unrelated chaos. But now that it's calmed down a bit I feel like I'm in a better place to start thinking of next steps again.

 

I know you're all right, that there will never be a good time to end it. I feel like I am standing on the edge but not quite wanting to jump yet so I haven't. MM and I have been in very low contact which is good. I know things are tapering off.

 

After my last post and reading your replies, I have written him a final email. It's been sitting in my drafts for well over a week. I just haven't had the courage to send it.

 

I'm not sure why I hesitate even though I know it's the right thing to do. I think I'm afraid of the pain and going through the loss. I know people will say that the pain that my husband will experience when he finds out will be even worse. I know all of these things in my head..... I just don't know how to have the courage to let go and face the pain that's coming ahead.

[BigBlueSky]

I can relate to some of this. But there is NEVER going to be an ideal time to end it when it will hurt less. Take it from me...it took almost 6 year of on/off for me to end it and it still isnt easy. Do the right thing and let him go..you can do this.

 

Hi Blu, I was following your post before it was closed. How have you been holding up? I was looking through your old posts and relating to a lot of what you had been through... I hope to get to the place where you are at soon.