17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[BetrayedDad]

I can't believe I'm here. I'm 44, wife is 42, we have 2 kids (8 and 10), married 17 years and just found out she had a 3-year affair which started 4 years ago. D-Day was 5 days ago. I'm sorry this post turned out longer than I'd like but here goes...

 

I had that off feeling for years and just knew something was up...the most obvious sign was her extreme phone guarding. Last year I bought the book "Not Just Friends", confronted her after checking our phone records and finding weekly texts to her AP, and she said nothing was going on. I asked her to read the book with hopes that it hadn't turned physical. She only read about half of the book. She never admitted that she was even in an EA and she said that I was insecure. It turns out she was already 3 years into the affair at that time (but still insisted nothing was going on).

 

So I spent the next year trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I essentially had no proof, but was so certain that I finally just asked her to have a difficult conversation and to be brutally honest about her relationship with her AP. She tried to deflect my question a few times but finally admitted to the affair. Unfortunately, she only finally admitted to it because I didn't back down and she thought I must have found something on her phone or computer.

 

She insists that she ended the affair a year ago, a year and a half ago, no 2 years ago. I do believe that she tried to end the affair but from what she says she also tried to end it a few times over the 3 years...or was it only 2 years. The details have changed a couple times over the past few days. In fairness, I do believe she has been trying to end it, but I also believe she has strong feelings for him.

 

To her credit, she has given me a fair amount of details and answered several of my questions, but I know she is holding back and not being 100% truthful...the sex was bad, he was a bad kisser, small you know what, etc. I believe the real reason she might have ended it a year ago is because she was getting beyond the purely physical phase and realized that he was just using her. He is also married with children. She wanted to point out that she was the one to end it but later said she ended it because he was mean to her. I wish she ended it because it was wrong, instead of because their devious relationship was simply running its course.

 

She says that she doesn't know why she did it, but that she was not happy in our marriage. She implied that I played a part in causing her to cheat, but I would not accept that. I told her I haven't been happy for the last 4 years, but I didn't go out and cheat on her...I have been 100% faithful throughout our 17 years of marriage, but I'm far from perfect and did kiss another girl one night when I was drinking back when we were dating almost 20 years ago. I felt ashamed and told her about it the very next day. She was upset but forgave me way back then. I was grateful for her forgiveness. I would however argue that that pales in comparison to carrying on a 3-year sex filled affair on your husband with years of denial.

 

Her initial response on D-Day was that she was not happy and wanted a divorce, but her mind seemed to go back and forth. I don't think it sunk in to her until I told her that I was going to call and schedule an appointment with a divorce attorney. Then after I notified her AP's spouse, the reality of the situation seemed to hit her like a ton of bricks. She says she does not want a divorce and hopes that I can forgive her. I hope so too, but I'm not ready yet. I'm struggling with my next move. I love her with all my heart. I can't stand to see her cry. I try to tell myself to forgive and forget...life is too short to be unforgiving to someone you love so much. But the next moment I think of those 3 years and all the things we did together during all that time...the vacations, holidays, all the times she sat in the same room with me while texting dirty messages to him, the nights she came home and kissed me goodnight...or fooled around...I can't bare to think of that. Then I realize she started the affair when our kids were only 4 and 6...

 

I have notified her AP's spouse, scheduled an appointment with a divorce attorney (this Friday), and asked her to read the thread "Things that every wayward spouse needs to know". I read it too and it is spot on...I'm a total mess, can't eat, can't sleep, my thoughts of staying or leaving change with the wind. I haven't cried once in 7 years since my father died and now I've been crying at some point every stinking day. I feel like an emotional basket case. I still love her so much and can't bare the thought of breaking up our family and risk having another man share the role of fathering my kids (my wife is fit and attractive so I'm sure my replacement wouldn't take long to find). Then 5 minutes later, I wonder how could I stay with a woman that would do this to me...for 3 years! Who is she? She can look me straight in the eye and lie to me without a blink, twitch, or quick glance away. It would be much easier for me to forgive a ONS that happened years ago, but a 3-year affair is more than just a "mistake". It years of calculated planning, hurtful deceit, and just plain evil.

 

If you made it this far, thank you. I know there are many posts similar to mine, but would greatly appreciate any words of advice, encouragement, and support. I have no idea what to ask the attorney during the consultation, but will search for some threads when I have time. I have done a little searching for marriage counseling but haven't found much yet. I can't talk to anyone locally and hate that I am resorting to posting here, but this is the ***** sandwich I'm eating right now.

[reboot]

You're doing just what you need to be doing, not much else anyone can tell you to do. If you're just looking for empathy, you'll get that in spades here. I'm really sorry this happened to you. My only advice is know when to give up. I spent the better part of ten years trying to reconcile, and most of that time was a complete waste.

[Chi townD]

Yup! played out just like a textbook. You find out and she tries to minimize the damage. Sex isn't any good. Small member....blah...blah... Well, if it was that bad, she wouldn't have done it for 3 YEARS!!!! So she's lying.

 

You find out and then she blameshifts and makes her cheating your fault. And then wants a divorce. But, then you tell the AP's wife and her AP probably threw your wife under the bus to save his own ass and she got hit with a dose of reality. She's going to lose everything and her backup plan just ditched her.

 

Dude, you have a lot to think about. If I were you, I would keep that appointment with the lawyer to see what your options are.

[Marc878]

 

She insists that she ended the affair a year ago, a year and a half ago, no 2 years ago. I do believe that she tried to end the affair but from what she says she also tried to end it a few times over the 3 years...or was it only 2 years. The details have changed a couple times over the past few days. In fairness, I do believe she has been trying to end it, but I also believe she has strong feelings for him.

 

My friend all cheaters lie, hide and deny. You only know the tip of the iceberg

 

To her credit, she has given me a fair amount of details and answered several of my questions, but I know she is holding back and not being 100% truthful...the sex was bad, he was a bad kisser, small you know what, etc. I believe the real reason she might have ended it a year ago is because she was getting beyond the purely physical phase and realized that he was just using her. He is also married with children. She wanted to point out that she was the one to end it but later said she ended it because he was mean to her. I wish she ended it because it was wrong, instead of because their devious relationship was simply running its course.

 

If it was so bad she continued on for 3 years? Sorry man but you're being played here

She says that she doesn't know why she did it, but that she was not happy in our marriage. She implied that I played a part in causing her to cheat, but I would not accept that. I told her I haven't been happy for the last 4 years, but I didn't go out and cheat on her...I have been 100% faithful throughout our 17 years of marriage, but I'm far from perfect and did kiss another girl one night when I was drinking back when we were dating almost 20 years ago. I felt ashamed and told her about it the very next day. She was upset but forgave me way back then. I was grateful for her forgiveness. I would however argue that that pales in comparison to carrying on a 3-year sex filled affair on your husband with years of denial.

 

Good for you a 3 year affair is all on her. There are no perfect marriages

 

Her initial response on D-Day was that she was not happy and wanted a divorce, but her mind seemed to go back and forth. I don't think it sunk in to her until I told her that I was going to call and schedule an appointment with a divorce attorney. Then after I notified her AP's spouse, the reality of the situation seemed to hit her like a ton of bricks. She says she does not want a divorce and hopes that I can forgive her. I hope so too, but I'm not ready yet. I'm struggling with my next move. I love her with all my heart. I can't stand to see her cry. I try to tell myself to forgive and forget...life is too short to be unforgiving to someone you love so much. But the next moment I think of those 3 years and all the things we did together during all that time...the vacations, holidays, all the times she sat in the same room with me while texting dirty messages to him, the nights she came home and kissed me goodnight...or fooled around...I can't bare to think of that. Then I realize she started the affair when our kids were only 4 and 6...

 

You love who you thought she was. She has shown you who she really is. You should believe her.

I have notified her AP's spouse, scheduled an appointment with a divorce attorney (this Friday), and asked her to read the thread "Things that every wayward spouse needs to know". I read it too and it is spot on...I'm a total mess, can't eat, can't sleep, my thoughts of staying or leaving change with the wind. I haven't cried once in 7 years since my father died and now I've been crying at some point every stinking day. I feel like an emotional basket case. I still love her so much and can't bare the thought of breaking up our family and risk having another man share the role of fathering my kids (my wife is fit and attractive so I'm sure my replacement wouldn't take long to find). Then 5 minutes later, I wonder how could I stay with a woman that would do this to me...for 3 years! Who is she? She can look me straight in the eye and lie to me without a blink, twitch, or quick glance away. It would be much easier for me to forgive a ONS that happened years ago, but a 3-year affair is more than just a "mistake". It years of calculated planning, hurtful deceit, and just plain evil.

 

Yep, this didn't just happen. You should not offer Reconcilliation until you've had time to think this through. Infidelity especially a long term will never go away. Don't regret staying

 

If you made it this far, thank you. I know there are many posts similar to mine, but would greatly appreciate any words of advice, encouragement, and support. I have no idea what to ask the attorney during the consultation, but will search for some threads when I have time. I have done a little searching for marriage counseling but haven't found much yet. I can't talk to anyone locally and hate that I am resorting to posting here, but this is the ***** sandwich I'm eating right now.

 

Just because you get served a ***** sandwich doesn't men you have to eat it.

 

Take your time on figuring out what you want. No rush at this point

[Marc878]

You are handling this well. However, the affair may still be ongoing they usually don't just stop because you found out.

 

If they work together or have contact it won't stop.

 

Mandatory std tests. You have no idea where this other man has been or who he's been with

[spanz1]

for her its been four long years. But for you, it just happened overnight. You are going to be in shock for a good long while.

 

Take care of yourself. Eat good, exercise, maybe get some good counseling. You do NOT have to jump into a decision on your marriage, one way or the other, right away.

 

It sounds like it would be very important to figure out WHY she lied to you for 3 years, why she could not find what she needed right at home. But do not let her try to convince you that it was somehow your fault. Nobody is a perfect spouse, but seldom are they doing things bad enough to drive their partner into another person's arms.

 

And yes, do not hang any hope on the other guy being such a horrendous lover. She is just telling you that to let you down easy, spare you some pain. It typically is much worse than they will ever admit it was.

[Purepony]

I'm not married and my longest relationship has been 6 years but if I was in your shoes I think I'd try marriage counseling first and the reason is for the kids

 

You'll be upset and go through many different emotions because this is a healing process and there are kids involved. I can't offer much more since I don't even have kids but I'd say start and at least be open to some counseling

[Cephalopod]

IO'm sorry you are here. First thing you need to understand is that it is not your fault she cheated, and any attempt on her part to blame her cheating on you should be rejected fiercely. Please read my replies within your post.

 

 

 

I can't believe I'm here. I'm 44, wife is 42, we have 2 kids (8 and 10), married 17 years and just found out she had a 3-year affair which started 4 years ago. D-Day was 5 days ago. I'm sorry this post turned out longer than I'd like but here goes...

 

I had that off feeling for years and just knew something was up...the most obvious sign was her extreme phone guarding. Last year I bought the book "Not Just Friends", confronted her after checking our phone records and finding weekly texts to her AP, and she said nothing was going on. I asked her to read the book with hopes that it hadn't turned physical. She only read about half of the book. She never admitted that she was even in an EA and she said that I was insecure. It turns out she was already 3 years into the affair at that time (but still insisted nothing was going on).

 

This is called gaslighting, and it is straight from the cheaters' handbook. She was trying to make you think you were the crazy one. It is a common deflection technique.

 

So I spent the next year trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I essentially had no proof, but was so certain that I finally just asked her to have a difficult conversation and to be brutally honest about her relationship with her AP. She tried to deflect my question a few times but finally admitted to the affair. Unfortunately, she only finally admitted to it because I didn't back down and she thought I must have found something on her phone or computer.

 

How have you confirmed her affair is over? Have you contacted the other man's wife? Have you informed her? From this point on you must verify everything.

 

She insists that she ended the affair a year ago, a year and a half ago, no 2 years ago. I do believe that she tried to end the affair but from what she says she also tried to end it a few times over the 3 years...or was it only 2 years. The details have changed a couple times over the past few days. In fairness, I do believe she has been trying to end it, but I also believe she has strong feelings for him.

 

It is possible, but until you verify you will never know. Tell her you want all passwords to her computer and mobile devices. She most likely has hidden texting and email accounts you are not aware of.

 

To her credit, she has given me a fair amount of details and answered several of my questions, but I know she is holding back and not being 100% truthful...the sex was bad, he was a bad kisser, small you know what, etc.

 

This is a lie to assuage her guilt and pacify you. Usually affair sex is quite the opposite of bad. Often, affair sex is the best because it is dangerous and illicit.

 

I believe the real reason she might have ended it a year ago is because she was getting beyond the purely physical phase and realized that he was just using her. He is also married with children. She wanted to point out that she was the one to end it but later said she ended it because he was mean to her. I wish she ended it because it was wrong, instead of because their devious relationship was simply running its course.

Also, you should ask your wife to provide you with a written timeline of when the affair started, when they met, where, and how often. It should be as detailed as she can make it.

 

She says that she doesn't know why she did it, but that she was not happy in our marriage.

 

Again, straight from the cheater script. Cheaters almost always say they were unhappy in the marriage. This is usually another lie. She was most likely comfortable and content in the marriage, and enjoyed her side action while getting all the benefits of being married to you. Don't buy this excuse from her. If she was unhappy, she had a responsibility to make that known to you so the both of you could work on the relationship.

 

 

She implied that I played a part in causing her to cheat, but I would not accept that.

 

Good!

 

 

I told her I haven't been happy for the last 4 years, but I didn't go out and cheat on her...I have been 100% faithful throughout our 17 years of marriage, but I'm far from perfect and did kiss another girl one night when I was drinking back when we were dating almost 20 years ago. I felt ashamed and told her about it the very next day. She was upset but forgave me way back then. I was grateful for her forgiveness. I would however argue that that pales in comparison to carrying on a 3-year sex filled affair on your husband with years of denial.

 

It does. A three year affair is no laughing matter. She stole three years of your life from you. All the memories the two of you and your kids made during those three years are forever tainted.

 

Her initial response on D-Day was that she was not happy and wanted a divorce, but her mind seemed to go back and forth.

 

Because she was still in the affair. I'm sorry man, but no woman accepts divorce unless she has somewhere to run to. Women never jump from the train unless they have a soft landing pad. In this case, her OM was her out. I would bet you dollars to donuts the affair was ongoing until DDay.

 

Time for a polygraph.

 

I don't think it sunk in to her until I told her that I was going to call and schedule an appointment with a divorce attorney. Then after I notified her AP's spouse, the reality of the situation seemed to hit her like a ton of bricks.

 

Yeah. The affair was ongoing until that point. Then she and the OM probably talked behind you back and broke it off. She jumped back to you...good old BD, her Plan B.

 

Good on you for telling the OBS.

 

She says she does not want a divorce and hopes that I can forgive her. I hope so too, but I'm not ready yet. I'm struggling with my next move.

 

What has she done to deserve your forgiveness? What has she done to earn it? Don't give away your forgiveness too quickly or cheaply. She hasn't earned it yet and it will be a long long time before she is worthy, if she ever is.

 

I love her with all my heart. I can't stand to see her cry.

 

Sure you do. But that is besides the point. This is a marriage, and you have to be objective and stand back and look at the big picture. Your marriage has been a big fat lie for the last five years. Where was her love for you when she was boffing her boyfriend? Where was her concern for the children and their welfare?

 

I try to tell myself to forgive and forget...life is too short to be unforgiving to someone you love so much. But the next moment I think of those 3 years and all the things we did together during all that time...the vacations, holidays, all the times she sat in the same room with me while texting dirty messages to him, the nights she came home and kissed me goodnight...or fooled around...I can't bare to think of that. Then I realize she started the affair when our kids were only 4 and 6...

 

You don't HAVE to do anything. You are in control here BD. This is your show and you will call the shots as to whether or not reconciliation will happen. Again, take the focus off forgiving her. Right now you are bleeding profusely. Now is not the time to be sorting feelings. You have to make sure the affair is killed and over first. It is possible that she and her OM have taken the affair underground.

 

Make her write a no contact letter to the OM, telling him to never contact her again. Read it, and if it passes your scrutiny, have her e-mail it to him with you watching her do it. Then verify with OBS to make sure he received it. Then you tell your wife if you ever catch her contacting him again, it will be instant divorce time.

 

I have notified her AP's spouse, scheduled an appointment with a divorce attorney (this Friday), and asked her to read the thread "Things that every wayward spouse needs to know".

 

Good!

 

I read it too and it is spot on...I'm a total mess, can't eat, can't sleep, my thoughts of staying or leaving change with the wind. I haven't cried once in 7 years since my father died and now I've been crying at some point every stinking day. I feel like an emotional basket case.

Make sure you go somewhere out of eyesight when you break down. Wives don't like seeing their husbands cry. It is a sign of weakness, and right now you need to exude strength and resolve.

 

I still love her so much and can't bare the thought of breaking up our family and risk having another man share the role of fathering my kids (my wife is fit and attractive so I'm sure my replacement wouldn't take long to find).

 

That is not a reason to force yourself to stay with her. And remember, she broke up the family, not you. But it is too early to be worrying about this. Concentrate on the now. Don't waste your energy worrying about what MIGHT happen, and those things you cannot control. You can control you...now...at this moment. Take it day by day.

 

Then 5 minutes later, I wonder how could I stay with a woman that would do this to me...for 3 years! Who is she? She can look me straight in the eye and lie to me without a blink, twitch, or quick glance away. It would be much easier for me to forgive a ONS that happened years ago, but a 3-year affair is more than just a "mistake". It years of calculated planning, hurtful deceit, and just plain evil.

 

She's not evil. She's selfish, entitled, and morally compromised. She can fix herself, with your help and encouragement, but that is only if she is truly wanting to save the marriage and work on herself.

 

You are correct. It took a lot of work and planning for her to do what she did. It is called compartmentalization. Cheaters excel at it. It is what allows them to lie to their spouse's face repeatedly and then go out and cheat up a storm, all the while lying to themselves that they will never get caught and that what they are doing is not so bad.

 

Waywards are almost never remorseful right off the bat. They are "sorry" and guilty, but remorse takes a long long time to come. Often they don't start feeling remorse until a good one or two years after DDay when they have done the work on themselves and their eyes are opened to the vast panorama of destruction they have wrought on their spouse and family. Right now your wife can only see a few feet ahead of her.

 

If you made it this far, thank you. I know there are many posts similar to mine, but would greatly appreciate any words of advice, encouragement, and support. I have no idea what to ask the attorney during the consultation, but will search for some threads when I have time. I have done a little searching for marriage counseling but haven't found much yet. I can't talk to anyone locally and hate that I am resorting to posting here, but this is the ***** sandwich I'm eating right now.

 

I think you are off to a good start. You have done just about everything right.

 

My recommendation is to also isolate your paycheck. Get it in to a checking account that she cannot access.

 

Make sure you are eating right and exercising. If you are having trouble sleeping, go see your doctor and tell him what has been going on. He can prescribe you a sleep aide and maybe some mild antidepressants to stabilize your mood swings. Get into some independent counseling so you can have someone to talk to. Demand that she do the same.

 

I think she is lying about the extent of the affair. I would demand a polygraph and the timeline I told you about. Make sure you are sharing info with the OBS.

 

Others here will give you good advice.

 

Like I say, do not rush into a decision. You have time on your side. And do not promise her anything. Promise her nothing. She doesn't deserve promises or to feel secure about anything right now.

[salparadise]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sure the pain must be debilitating. There are a lot of people here who been through the same kind of thing and I'm sure they will offer their help. There are also some who will tell you what you should do (kick her out), but only you can decide what's right in your situation. A lot depends on her too, assuming reconciliation is an option you may consider.

 

My thoughts are to go ahead and file for divorce. You can always abandon the process before it's complete, and you can still reconcile after a divorce. But filing is the one thing you can do to alleviate this helpless, powerless situation and give her some incentive to quit trickle trotting and get serious about proving to you that she's willing to do whatever it takes.

 

Secondly, get into individual counseling asap. There is plenty of time for MC if you decide to go that route, but you're dealing with crap right now that you need professional help with, and the spouse you might ordinarily rely on can't help. Get referrals for the best LCPs. This should come from someone in the profession. PCPs have names on file for referrals but they don't really know who is who.

 

Third, if you have close friends and siblings ask them for help and understanding because you're going to need their support. And then lean on them and talk.

 

Understand that as intense as the pain is now, it will soon begin to diminish day by day once you've a chance to equilibrate some. You will always be affected, but you will learn to cope and in time you will regain your quality of life.

 

If your wife comes completely clean and is truly remorseful there may be a chance. If she can't or won't keep the proceeding moving forward. You have to maintain your self-respect above all of this. It's not your fault––not in the least. Saying that is probably the worst thing she could do. Don't accept it. Assert yourself and preserve your dignity. Be extra attentive to your children and reinforce those bonds. Consider going for at least 50/50 custody if there is a separation or divorce (that was the best decision I ever made).

[Bigdaddyt]

BetrayedDad, First I am sorry that you are here. A three year LTA is a tough obstacle to overcome. Even if you can R and move forward in a new marriage, things will never be the same. I can say that staying for the children is noble, but if you both are unhappy then your behavior will negatively effect them. Do not make any decisions now take your time and take care of yourself. Eat, drink, and get some exercise it will help keep things from becoming overwhelming.

You will get great advice here that you will not always want to hear, read it and take what works for you. Wishing you the best.

[mikeylo]

Sorry you are here but I agree, it's still going on. If so much bad couldn't stop it then who is to say it has stopped now? If it really was bad and damaging, it would have stopped long ago.

 

Anyway, she is getting a faithful, loving and forgiving husband. What are you getting ?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am really sorry for all the heartbreak. You are much more patient than I would be.

[mightycpa]

I told her I haven't been happy for the last 4 years... I love her with all my heart.[ /QUOTE]Your situation is probably a lot like a sudden breakup or a sudden death, and your emotions are now highly charged, with some idealization of your feelings for her, because in your mind, you have already lost the woman you love, and you weren't prepared for that.

 

I'm not saying you don't love her, but I am saying you probably feel that you do more intensely than you ever have before. You might want to ask why that is.

[harrybrown]

the one you love is not real. The one that cheated is real.

 

File for D, and go see your attorney.

 

She loved him. She is addicted to him.

 

What would she do if you had an A?

 

have her write a timeline of the A. then have her take a Polly on the timeline.

 

Have her pay for DNA tests for your kids.

 

Does she work? Has she stopped all contact? Has she had std tests done?

 

Start the 180. You stop all contact with her. She can leave if she is willing to leave and go be with the OM.

 

Let her go. Move on. She is still lying. the sex was great. he is big.

 

she did things she will never do with you.

 

Drive her over to the OM's house and drop her off.

[HereNorThere]

Finishing exposing her to friends and family, put her stuff out in garbage bags on the lawn, change the locks, contact a divorce attorney, dna test for the kids, std test for you, start individual counseling for yourself...

 

And then you rebuild your life without her. Sorry, but this one hopeless and you already know that.

[BluesPower]

Lots of good advice so far...

 

I am just going to consolidate some facts for you.

 

1) She is lying in general. She is absolutely lying about the sex. It was at least decent or she would not have stayed in the A for over three years. You can count on the fact the they did things that you and your wife don't. Total disrespect in every way.

 

2) She wanted a divorce initially because OM said that he would divorce his wife so they could be together. When you notified his wife he dropped her like a bad habit. She was preparing to leave you high and dry and you would have been standing there with your junk in your hand wondering why.

 

3) She was in love with him, for or not. She was into him and not into you in any way. She made up reasons to be unhappy so she could screw around.

 

4) The only reason that she "does not want a divorce now", is that OM dumped her. She want your money and the kids and the house, not really you. You are second place at least.

 

5) OM actually got to have more quality time and more sex than you did while you were taking care of the house and the kids.

 

6) Almost everything that she has told you is a lie, and I am betting that the affair is ongoing.

 

So, those are the basics. But a 3 year affair, I am not sure many people have come back from that.

 

I really think divorce is about the only choice here. And don't worry about her tears, She is crying for her AP, not what she did to you...

[Krtk]

I can't believe I'm here. I'm 44, wife is 42, we have 2 kids (8 and 10), married 17 years and just found out she had a 3-year affair which started 4 years ago. D-Day was 5 days ago. I'm sorry this post turned out longer than I'd like but here goes...

 

I had that off feeling for years and just knew something was up...the most obvious sign was her extreme phone guarding. Last year I bought the book "Not Just Friends", confronted her after checking our phone records and finding weekly texts to her AP, and she said nothing was going on. I asked her to read the book with hopes that it hadn't turned physical. She only read about half of the book. She never admitted that she was even in an EA and she said that I was insecure. It turns out she was already 3 years into the affair at that time (but still insisted nothing was going on).

 

So I spent the next year trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I essentially had no proof, but was so certain that I finally just asked her to have a difficult conversation and to be brutally honest about her relationship with her AP. She tried to deflect my question a few times but finally admitted to the affair. Unfortunately, she only finally admitted to it because I didn't back down and she thought I must have found something on her phone or computer.

 

She insists that she ended the affair a year ago, a year and a half ago, no 2 years ago. I do believe that she tried to end the affair but from what she says she also tried to end it a few times over the 3 years...or was it only 2 years. The details have changed a couple times over the past few days. In fairness, I do believe she has been trying to end it, but I also believe she has strong feelings for him.

 

To her credit, she has given me a fair amount of details and answered several of my questions, but I know she is holding back and not being 100% truthful...the sex was bad, he was a bad kisser, small you know what, etc. I believe the real reason she might have ended it a year ago is because she was getting beyond the purely physical phase and realized that he was just using her. He is also married with children. She wanted to point out that she was the one to end it but later said she ended it because he was mean to her. I wish she ended it because it was wrong, instead of because their devious relationship was simply running its course.

 

She says that she doesn't know why she did it, but that she was not happy in our marriage. She implied that I played a part in causing her to cheat, but I would not accept that. I told her I haven't been happy for the last 4 years, but I didn't go out and cheat on her...I have been 100% faithful throughout our 17 years of marriage, but I'm far from perfect and did kiss another girl one night when I was drinking back when we were dating almost 20 years ago. I felt ashamed and told her about it the very next day. She was upset but forgave me way back then. I was grateful for her forgiveness. I would however argue that that pales in comparison to carrying on a 3-year sex filled affair on your husband with years of denial.

 

Her initial response on D-Day was that she was not happy and wanted a divorce, but her mind seemed to go back and forth. I don't think it sunk in to her until I told her that I was going to call and schedule an appointment with a divorce attorney. Then after I notified her AP's spouse, the reality of the situation seemed to hit her like a ton of bricks. She says she does not want a divorce and hopes that I can forgive her. I hope so too, but I'm not ready yet. I'm struggling with my next move. I love her with all my heart. I can't stand to see her cry. I try to tell myself to forgive and forget...life is too short to be unforgiving to someone you love so much. But the next moment I think of those 3 years and all the things we did together during all that time...the vacations, holidays, all the times she sat in the same room with me while texting dirty messages to him, the nights she came home and kissed me goodnight...or fooled around...I can't bare to think of that. Then I realize she started the affair when our kids were only 4 and 6...

 

I have notified her AP's spouse, scheduled an appointment with a divorce attorney (this Friday), and asked her to read the thread "Things that every wayward spouse needs to know". I read it too and it is spot on...I'm a total mess, can't eat, can't sleep, my thoughts of staying or leaving change with the wind. I haven't cried once in 7 years since my father died and now I've been crying at some point every stinking day. I feel like an emotional basket case. I still love her so much and can't bare the thought of breaking up our family and risk having another man share the role of fathering my kids (my wife is fit and attractive so I'm sure my replacement wouldn't take long to find). Then 5 minutes later, I wonder how could I stay with a woman that would do this to me...for 3 years! Who is she? She can look me straight in the eye and lie to me without a blink, twitch, or quick glance away. It would be much easier for me to forgive a ONS that happened years ago, but a 3-year affair is more than just a "mistake". It years of calculated planning, hurtful deceit, and just plain evil.

 

If you made it this far, thank you. I know there are many posts similar to mine, but would greatly appreciate any words of advice, encouragement, and support. I have no idea what to ask the attorney during the consultation, but will search for some threads when I have time. I have done a little searching for marriage counseling but haven't found much yet. I can't talk to anyone locally and hate that I am resorting to posting here, but this is the ***** sandwich I'm eating right now.

 

Here's the thing you must understand

1)she lied after lied constantly to you about affair denied even after you become suspicious before years you find out.

2)the sex is bad, small member, bad kisser are all total bull****. No one have will continue bad sex for 3 years.

3. Blamshifting, you are the reason for my affair, God you never asked her to have bad sex with the om for 3 years because she's unhappy.

4.if she was that unhappy she should have been upfront with it and talked about what she's going through but that's not the case

5.and then she wants a divorce fine you want one you get one that would be the go to option because she's not regretting anything, no remorse, trick truth, blameshifting and she's deceptive remember

If you wants to forgive her she should fight for it and own up what she done to you and your family.

And I think you weak, sorry to say but you just accepting or believeing what she says, you know she's lied into you face then why you believe what she saying.

Divorce or reconciliation is your option you live with her you should know what the best but I do feel you have some inferior or insecure feelings like she's attractive you could be replaced in no time. I don't know just felt sorry if I'm wrong.

What you planned next.

[BTDT2012]

Don't have sex with her. In some states relations after you find out means you can't use adultery as a basis for divorce. If you haven't already, put her out of your bed.

So sorry you find yourself here.

[somanymistakes]

Why do so many people eagerly reach out to punish the children, who did not betray you in any way?

[aliveagain]

Thank God the sex was bad and she only cheated for three years, imagine what would have happened if it was good? Get tested, I doubt they used protection, sperm can live up to 5 days in a woman, sorry man. This woman is a liar, a cheat and only confessed because you caught her. There is no room for treachery in a marriage, you don't have to stay with someone that doesn't want to be with you. Talk to a lawyer even if you think you want her in your life, find out your worst case scenario. I would be booking a polygraph, get the truth then decide. A marriage to her should include a brutal postnuptial agreement, she doesn't honour boundaries. Make sure you expose her boyfriend to his significant other. You deserve better, you deserve a faithful and safe partner.

[lolablue17]

I'm very sorry for what you're going through. It's hell! You got great advice here, I'll add just my small tip...

 

When considering reconciliation, I look for solid signs. And the signs appears

according to what you told us, is quiet disturbing. Many cheaters are able to continue their affair by repressing their guilt and intentionally "forgetting" the pain they might cause to their spouses. They manage to avoid thinking about it.

 

But after D-day, when they see their spouse is so hurt and in so much pain, many of them feel bad, regret everything, and try to do many things to reduce the pain of their spouses. This is a positive sign, that the cheater really cares about his\her spouse.

 

But all your wife did, is thinking only about herself. In the beginning she was talking about divorce. not for you, but to avoid conflict and guilt on her side. Now she's trying to make up reasons and rewrite history. Although she knows that now honesty is the best thing she can give you, she is still lying to you with some of the facts. Now she wants to avoid the divorce, but again - only what is good for her, her feelings, her future... She hasn't made one major action just to help you. She is in damage control mode.

 

So while considering to stay, remember who you're staying with... Not only her affair, but who is she now, the wife who will sacrifice you in a second if it suites her, even only momentarily

Edited May 23, 2017 by lolablue17

[Clay]

Wow I can only imagine she would have never told you. The thing you have to ask now is what else has she hid from you. Three years is a long time to play this game. Most people don't just start there. I would bet money this isn't the first time. I would follow through with that apt for the lawyer. This is far from over for you. Imagine the next five years looking over your should for the next shoe to drop. Your only five days in. I can only imagine as calm as you are your really just in shock that its all true. If you stay with her I would talk to a lawyer about a post nupt. If you cant get one I would follow through with the divorce and then offer to try to build a new relationship with her. Three years to me she does not have the right to call herself your wife. At the very least your the backup guy due to the fact her primary failed her. There more than likely will be another time. You can bank on that. Most people that learn from this start the process on there own. They don't do it sincerely because they are pushed. They do it because they want to change. Your only seeing regret for that she fears she will loose her meal ticket now too.

 

The truth is hard to hear sometimes. Its like another poster said. Actions are everything in these cases. Words mean nothing after the fact.

 

C

[BetrayedDad]

Thank you all for your comments. After reading them, I realize that my situation has not fully sunk in for me yet. I think I'm still in disbelief and this thread is helping me start to process what I'm going through. The comment about feeling like I have lost a loved one really hit home. At times, I hug my wife like I'll never be able to hug her again, I don't want to let her go. My reality is slowly sinking in.

 

I do appreciate your unfiltered comments as well. Receiving sincere, open, and honest feedback is refreshing...even if it's not what I want to hear. I know my self-esteem is in the toilet...I guess 4 years of lies and deceit from the one I trusted most can do that to you. After the steps I've taken so far (notifying her AP's spouse, making an appointment to see an attorney, and starting this thread), I do feel it slowing coming back.

 

Regarding the possibility of the affair still going on, I have no idea when she really ended the affair, but I believe that it's not currently going on. Without going into details, I'll just say that the police helped establish our informal no contact agreement between our families.

 

They do not work together. She was a SAHM for 9 years and they developed a relationship over time while riding and running together in our local sport groups.

 

Her AP's wife told me that when she confronted him, he said it never happened. This really upset my wife. She feels that she is now the only one being punished and he is going to get away with it, like if two people committed a crime but only one of them went to jail for it.

 

She feels terrible and ashamed for what she has done. I feel like it takes a lot of compassion to try to comfort her at one of the lowest points in her life given the fact that I'm also at the lowest point in my life and it was caused by her repeated deliberate actions over a long period of time. She said it was a mistake,. I'm trying not to pour salt on her wounds, but I told her it was way more than "a mistake".

 

I feel like a guy that just got stabbed in the heart, who is now trying to comfort the one holding the knife.

 

Sometimes I question if she has any true empathy for me or if her tears are for herself because of how her actions will impact her home, her family, and her social life.

 

As far as our kids, I may not have made it clear in my initial post but they are, without question, my top priority. I love my kids more than anything and can't imagine not seeing them every day, not having breakfast with them, making their lunches, getting them on the bus, making faces at them as the bus takes them to school, etc, etc. I want to do what's best for them. Does that mean forgive and stay together for them. I'm struggling with this. My wife and I do not fight, scream, or any of that. We have tried to keep this situation hidden from our kids and, so far, they have not asked any questions or acted any differently. Of course, we occasionally argue over things, but not in front of our kids. So, on the surface, we are still one big happy family.

[reboot]

A "mistake" is transposing two numbers on your income tax return, not banging some other guy for 3 or 4 years. Classic.

[BetrayedDad]

Yup! played out just like a textbook. You find out and she tries to minimize the damage. Sex isn't any good. Small member....blah...blah... Well, if it was that bad, she wouldn't have done it for 3 YEARS!!!! So she's lying.

 

You find out and then she blameshifts and makes her cheating your fault. And then wants a divorce. But, then you tell the AP's wife and her AP probably threw your wife under the bus to save his own ass and she got hit with a dose of reality. She's going to lose everything and her backup plan just ditched her.

 

Dude, you have a lot to think about. If I were you, I would keep that appointment with the lawyer to see what your options are.

 

Yup, her AP denied the whole thing to save his ass and she is upset by the idea that he won't have to suffer the consequences like her.