17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[Marc878]

Most want to try and "save the marriage" but at what cost?

 

Keep your eyes and ears open. Like most in your situation you have been played for a long time. She's learned how to control you. Plus you've through your actions or lack of actions have taught her.

 

Her actions will tell you what you need to know. However, many just stay for no good reason other than they can't grasp the change. I suspect that's what you're leaning to.

 

Some IC would be good for you. Codependency maybe a problem. Staying in a bad and unhealthy situation isn't a good thing.

[Friskyone4u]

BD,

 

You are still "rationalizing".Let's start

(1) she reached out to IC. Big deal. You really think a few IC sessions are going to make up for three years of deceit. And if you go along with this, you need to get her to sign a document authorizing IC to meet with you and disclose what is being said, not as couple therapy but so that you have some idea of the story your wife is giving the therapist. In many cases the IC will get a bull **** version, and then she will come home and tell you her IC said you need to "get over it" and move on

(2) so she stopped organizing events where Om is or could be. Wonderful. What choice did she have on that one???? Right now she is in save her ass mode and stop looking at any "concessions" she does as any major lightbulb moment. She should have volunteered to do this immediately.

(3) so you are no inclined to think about sucking up a three year betrayal for the kids. Really. if you read any forum like this one you will see how that usually works out. It usually works out with you being half the parent you would be because you are living with a woman who you can trust further than you can throw her and are mentally miserable. And by the way, the odds are even if your wife was slobbering for R (which she is not) you're going to be in a state of miserable for a long time.

 

You need to file for divorce. It does not happen instantly. but she will then know there is no more time to sit on the fence. You can stop the process at any time you want to. Your wife was or still is checked out and you do not want to start the process all over again when you find her breaking NC or not meeting your expectations. And her deleting apps that can be put back on in three seconds means nothing. Again, what would be your reaction if she refused to delete the apps??? You only way to restore any trust or truth will be a polygraph at an unnanounced time before the divorce is final.

 

Stop grasping at tidbits here. You are Plan B and its up to her to change that.

Edited May 28, 2017 by Friskyone4u

[whichwayisup]

Make sure her IC therapy is with a person who specializes in marriage counseling and it isn't just a regular therapist.

[usa1ah]

I hear you. When I think of it, my wife and I have both completely flipped our thoughts on this. Initially, I didn't want to jump to divorce but that was her immediate reaction which was repeated a few times over the following day or 2 or 3...its all a blur to me. However, after finally having this sink in, I am the one strongly leaning towards divorce and she is the one that wants to try to save our marriage (and she is making demonstrable changes). Realistically, I probably am her Plan B (at least in fantasy land) and that is a tough pill to swallow, but for the sake of my kids, I'm going to take this one day at a time and look for real change.

 

When we went by a house with a lot of cars parked outside this morning, our kids asked what was going on. We explained that it's a holiday weekend and lots of people are having parties. Our 10year-old then asked if we could have a party too, but with only the four of us...a family party.

 

Your kids will be fine as long as they know you are there for them. Divorce if you need to, you are setting the example for your boys now. Be strong and do what is right for them. Don't live a unhappy family life with them seeing it, they will no matter how much you try and hide it.

[BetrayedDad]

I appreciate everyone's comments and continued support.

 

Last night, my wife called her mother and sister and told them about her affair. The call to her mother was not an easy one to make, but she did it. I feel that is worth consideration.

 

In all honesty, I am still leaning toward divorce, but can see that she is making an effort to change. She has uninstalled apps, agreed to provide all passwords, called to schedule IC, agreed to allow me to know what she is communicating with the IC, and told her family about her affair. This feels like reasonable progress considering D-Day was only 10 days ago.

 

At this point, I still want a timeline because there are so many blanks in my mind. She has given me the estimated start and end months, the place, and times they usually met, but no specific dates or events...like the time I took the kids to monster trucks...nope, the time I was away at scout camp with our boys...nope, then when? To me, those would have been ideal times. She still doesn't understand why I want to know. This may be what forces my decision, but I'm taking it one day at a time right now.

 

Mixed thoughts...Playing back the last 4 years in my head and knowing it was all a lie is pushing me to the idea of divorce. Seeing the changes she is making is what makes me want to not rush my decision. She is making changes, so is it not worth taking my time to see what happens? On the other hand, the thought of sitting in our family room 5 years from now and still wondering what she is doing on her phone makes me want to just call it quits. I'm still not back on a regular eating and sleep schedule, so I feel that I am not ready to make a major life decision yet. Hopefully another week or two will have me in a better place of mind. I do see myself getting a little better each day. Come to think of it, it's late afternoon and I haven't shed a tear all day...the longest I've gone in 10 days.

Edited May 28, 2017 by BetrayedDad

[Mr. Lucky]

Mixed thoughts...Playing back the last 4 years in my head and knowing it was all a lie is pushing me to the idea of divorce. Seeing the changes she is making is what makes me want to not rush my decision. She is making changes, so is it not worth taking my time to see what happens?

 

Here's the contradiction you're up against.

 

In the short term, staying together is the easy thing to do. You sweep it under the rug, some days are good so you almost forget it happened and there's little disruption to family life.

 

However, long term this is the hardest way to go. Triggers, second thoughts, "what ifs", all are obstacles to success and peace of mind. And you're depending on a partner to do the right thing whose past doesn't exactly inspire confidence. Many BS's who stay are still troubled and torn 20 or 30 years later, tough way to live.

 

Divorce is just the opposite - it's hard now since it changes the status quo. She may even succeed in making you the bad guy for leaving, it's happened before. But it may be the only path to a life of your creation, without terms, penalties and conditions dictated by a situation you never wanted - and never asked for.

 

Lots to think about and, as you say, you're only 10 days in. But think about your life 10 years from now before you make any decisions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aliveagain]

Has she told you why she sold you out for so little and for so long? Why does she value you now, what's different other then the fact that she had a really, really lot of sex with some POS? You've spent 4 years trying to get her attention, why all the attention now? The only thing that is different is exposure, I guess it's true, nothing sanitizes like the light of day.

[Mr Blunt]

In all honesty, I am still leaning toward divorce, but can see that she is making an effort to change. She has uninstalled apps, agreed to provide all passwords, called to schedule IC, agreed to allow me to know what she is communicating with the IC, and told her family about her affair. This feels like reasonable progress considering D-Day was only 10 days ago.

 

 

I would not doubt that she is pancaking and is taking actions to keep you. The questions are:

 

1 You know that she is very capable of lying so can you trust that she is taking these actions because she wants what is best for you?

 

2 Is she taking these actions just for her own interests?

 

3 Are you so hurt and desperate that you are willing to compromise?

 

4 Who should suffer the most consequences for her 3 year betrayals?

 

5 Why should you gamble your financial future on her integrity?

 

6 Does she really love you; a love that also contains her sacrificing for you?

 

 

She can prove to you that she has love that will sacrifice for you by giving you a divorce on your terms. That is one very good indication of what you can call the beginning of real progress. You can also give her the gift of giving her a chance to prove to you with actions for a long time that you are the only man for her. After the divorce you can watch and see if her actions back up her words; actions always speak more truth than words. If she is really sincere and truly remorseful and changed then you can remarry her if you want. Having her prove to you with years of making you her only man and sacrificing for you can go a long way in achieving a successful R.

 

The above seems to be best for you. However, you can now believe that she is going to make you her only man from now on but that means that you have to take all the risks. If she makes you her only man but then in 3-5-1o years from now does a repeat of what she did for 3 years, how will your financial future look?

[BluesPower]

BD, you are right, it has only be 10 days... And as everyone has said time is on your side.

 

But I want you to really think about what some of the posters are saying.

 

1) Dude, 3 years, it is just really hard to come back from that I don't care who you are or how remorseful and proactive your WW could become. Of course she is not that now in any way.

 

2) She wanted to divorce you initially, BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE WITH HER OM. Do you understand that part because it is a big deal.

 

3) The crying that she was doing was not for you or the marriage, it was and is for the loss of the OM.

 

4) She has been lying to you from the very beginning and you don't seem to get that.

 

5) The things that she is doing are the bare minimum in every way. She should have already written the time line out for you. Did she? No.

 

6) She has not written out a time line because she thinks she can make you let that go. She does not want you to know what actually went on.

 

7) If the other man would have left his wife, she would have already filed for divorce against you. You are second place and you have been for 3-4 years to a woman that had the privilege to be a SAHM.

 

She is not worth the trouble. Yes you need to take your time with this, but you need to think about these 7 facts that I have listed and ask yourself what is there left to save when you get close to making the decision.

[aliveagain]

My ex cheated on me for 2 years, got pregnant by her other man and passed him off as mine. I named him after my deceased dad and raised him until he was almost 1 year old. A kind Samaritan sought me out and told me the truth about her secret life, the rest is history. I made different decisions then you but my hope is that you put a lot of thought and the time making your decision, commit to nothing until your sure. I still think you need time away from her while you decide your future. I hope I'm wrong but you each value your marriage and family differently. You refuse to risk it, she's already proven she will if she thinks she can get away with it. Polygraph, postnuptial, non negotiable.

[Buckeye2]

Initially, I didn't want to jump to divorce but that was her immediate reaction which was repeated a few times over the following day or 2 or 3...its all a blur to me. However, after finally having this sink in, I am the one strongly leaning towards divorce and she is the one that wants to try to save our marriage (and she is making demonstrable changes).

 

Realistically, I probably am her Plan B (at least in fantasy land) and that is a tough pill to swallow, but for the sake of my kids.

 

If we didn't have 2 young children, I probably would have had her served with papers yesterday.

 

It sounds like practical reasons supply the motivation to stay together for the both of you. For you it’s the kids. It may be for the kids in your wife’s case too but I bet lifestyle also plays a major part. Neither of you is very much in love with the other. How could you be?

 

If I'm honest with myself, I don't think I will ever trust my wife again. I can't see how. An apology doesn't even scratch the surface to "fix this". Primarily for my kids, I feel like I need to give this thing some time and see what real...REAL changes are made. A short-term band aide won't do it and only time will tell.

 

If I were in your position and felt that I had to stay for the kids then I would get a divorce and live together. Nothing changes for the kids and she paid a price. If you can’t trust her then work out the divorce agreement now.

 

Demote her to girlfriend. She has proven that she can’t be trusted with wife status. As the years go by many BSs are bitter that their WS got away with it. By that I mean that they are exactly where they would be if they had never cheated. They have the stability and security of their boring BS to grow old with and the memories of the hot affair. Win win.

 

Many BSs draw a line in the sand and tell their WS that if they cross it they will leave. The WS crosses it and the BS redraws the line. Being divorced makes a statement. If she cheats again you’re not bluffing. You can walk. Plus it doesn’t hurt as much to have a girlfriend cheat on you.

 

There is a practical side too. The alimony you may have to pay goes up every your that you’re married. Stop the clock now.

 

An apology doesn't even scratch the surface to "fix this".

 

IMO the way to “fix this” is to get a divorce. It’s like a sergeant screwing up in the army. They lose a stripe and it’s over. Everyone knows why they’re now a corporal and there isn’t much reason to discuss it further. There is no stigma today for living together without being married. Most people live together as a tryout before marriage. Going back to just living together isn’t that big of a deal.

 

By the way I really identify with you. I was a boy scout and so was my son. If my wife cheated while I was on a camping trip with our son that would really be twisting the knife.

Edited May 29, 2017 by Buckeye2

[HereNorThere]

My college roommate's Mom stayed "for the kids." He confessed to me that he harbored a lot of guilt over it too. Just remember, that has consequences as well. There's no guarantee it wouldn't hurt your children just as much as separating. It's very likely to hurt them more in the long run.

[drifter777]

If you honestly believe you can get past the sex - then reconciliation can work. All the lies & emotional stuff can be conquered with a truly remorseful WW, a good counselor, and a lot of work. But if the sex is the primary thing twisting your gut then you need to be very cautious. The sex can be something that is not just unforgivable but also impossible to get past. You know the answer to this right now.

[QuietDan]

It is still really early in dealing and coping with this situation. Did she always practice safe sex? If not with the other man, then with you? If not, she intentionally put your health at serious risk. Why? To perpetuate a lie and to maintain her life style choice? Too bad she wasn't interested in trying to fix the marraige before D-Day. It sounds like she still had an alternative coping method for not dealing with any relstionship issues up to D-Day. Since she knows about this thread and it sounds like she is following it a bit, will she use it to continue to manipulate and control?

[Jersey born raised]

Mixed feelings telling her to read threads and your thread on this site. I think Midnight is right that few WS realize the emotional impact the adultery has on the BS. They may realize the structural changes that can occur in their life such as divorce but not the emotional impact. We often discuss regret (which it appears your wife has) and remorses. So that's to the good her reading here.

 

The negative would be she knows what your advice you are receiving and how to use it both to help you or hurt you. For example advise on apps. Which one's are good at undeleting phones and commuters. But for every app site there are four selling software to beat the app. Which apps you can dig out to see if they are installed. Did you know that interactive online game can be used to hide adultery? Within the game there is a chat room function that leaves no trace. Does she use a program to chart training progress and does it feature private chat functions?

 

If you decide to divorce you will be very limited to what you can discuss here. This site offers free private messengering after 30/60 days and 30 posts. (check site info for exact time and posts. Consider buying a membership. Oh,remember the bit about chat rooms with apps? Using a PM does not show up on your computer logs. If you maintain password security and delete any incoming PM no trace. It is that easy.

[Confused48]

OP - lots of people here pressing you to D. A valid choice. Not the only one.

 

You could very well not forgive her, not get past it, but stay with her for the kids. For yourself, your own desire to have your kids with you all the time and not 50% of the time. For your desire to not expose them to whoever your morally challenged WS would pick to screw next. Then leave when the time is right for you and your kids.

[BetrayedDad]

Thank you all for your continued support. My wife surprised me today with a timeline. There were some very hurtful and also confusing things which I may never understand, but it is what it is. We talked about the timeline and then had a calm discussion about our divorce options and the things you never what to think about, like where would we each live, when would we have our kids, etc, etc.

 

She asked that I wait until she begins IC before scheduling a consultation with a mediator and I agreed. At this point, she has done pretty much everything I have asked since D-Day. I feel that deserves consideration.

 

At the end of the day, I believe we will be getting divorced. She says she wants to stay together, but I don't think that would be fair to either of us. Despite all of this, and as crazy as it may sound, I still love her very much.

Edited May 29, 2017 by BetrayedDad

[GoldenR]

BD -

 

I think it's obvious to everyone reading along that you really want to R. Would I advise it? No....no way. However, I'm not you, and neither are any of these other commenters. One thing I always advise anyone I know, be it in real life or online, is that you don't want to live your life wondering, "What if...?".

 

Make your decision for you, not for any of us on here.

 

If I'm way off base, my apologies.

 

I'll keep following along....

[deadsoul]

Thank you all for your continued support. My wife surprised me today with a timeline. There were some very hurtful and also confusing things which I may never understand, but it is what it is. We talked about the timeline and then had a calm discussion about our divorce options and the things you never what to think about, like where would we each live, when would we have our kids, etc, etc.

 

She asked that I wait until she begins IC before scheduling a consultation with a mediator and I agreed. At this point, she has done pretty much everything I have asked since D-Day. I feel that deserves consideration.

 

At the end of the day, I believe we will be getting divorced. She says she wants to stay together, but I don't think that would be fair to either of us. Despite all of this, and as crazy as it may sound, I still love her very much.

 

Good luck Betrayed Dad. I know you will do what's best for you and your family. Of course you love her. You just don't love what she did. Whether or not you get divorced isn't a decision that needs to be made right now. I hope you'll keep us posted.

[mikeylo]

I also get the gist that you want to reconcile but want her to prove her fidelity , trustworthiness and complete no contact with other people. All this has to come from her without you asking.

 

I guess the addiction of validation from other people is so strong sometimes that its hard to give up. Is she capable of returning to the mundane family life as everyday life isnt exciting as an affair.

 

Maybe have a talk about having no outings , meetings or chatting up casual people.The ' friend ' thing is a massive disguise !

[whichwayisup]

Thank you all for your continued support. My wife surprised me today with a timeline. There were some very hurtful and also confusing things which I may never understand, but it is what it is. We talked about the timeline and then had a calm discussion about our divorce options and the things you never what to think about, like where would we each live, when would we have our kids, etc, etc.

 

She asked that I wait until she begins IC before scheduling a consultation with a mediator and I agreed. At this point, she has done pretty much everything I have asked since D-Day. I feel that deserves consideration.

 

At the end of the day, I believe we will be getting divorced. She says she wants to stay together, but I don't think that would be fair to either of us. Despite all of this, and as crazy as it may sound, I still love her very much.

 

This might help - Focus on forgiving her as the mother of your children, this way when the D does happen, you two can be the best co parents to your children and have a good parenting relationship.

[aliveagain]

Please allow me to put the proper perspective on wanting to stay in the marriage. The whole purpose of having an affair is to stay married to your spouse while being with other people. Of course she wants to stay married, she always did. This is not about whether or not your wife wants to be married to you but why she had the need to be unfaithful. If she didn't want to be married to you she wouldn't have had an affair, she would have asked for a divorce then run off to be with someone else. I hope that adds perspective to her want to stay married. The real question should be "Why did she have an affair?"

 

Being a sh*ty wife doesn't always mean your a sh*ty mother, but it is a very poor trait for a mother to pass on to her children.

[BetrayedDad]

My college roommate's Mom stayed "for the kids." He confessed to me that he harbored a lot of guilt over it too. Just remember, that has consequences as well. There's no guarantee it wouldn't hurt your children just as much as separating. It's very likely to hurt them more in the long run.

 

Thank you for this comment. It never crossed my mind that kids might someday feel guilty if their parents stayed together just for them. In all honesty, I think kids would be a big factor in parents staying together, but I doubt they would be the ONLY reason. Either way, I like to think that I would never tell my kids that I only stayed married because of them, especially when they were still in school/college. If I stay married, I don't know that I'd ever tell them anything about this. However, I would advise them of the risks of marriage.

[BetrayedDad]

If you honestly believe you can get past the sex - then reconciliation can work. All the lies & emotional stuff can be conquered with a truly remorseful WW, a good counselor, and a lot of work. But if the sex is the primary thing twisting your gut then you need to be very cautious. The sex can be something that is not just unforgivable but also impossible to get past. You know the answer to this right now.

 

At this point, the sex part still doesn't seem real. I am just now coming to grips with the lies and deceit and I'm struggling with that, especially given the duration of the affair. I can't get my head around it lasting almost 4 years. That's a long f'ing time for an affair to go on.

[Marc878]

Helping hide their affair never gets you much. Except buyers remorse a few years down the road.