17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[mikeylo]

You really have to have a very high self esteem to not have this affect you personally.

 

How on earth is she now going to make you feel like the best man alive ? We all need to feel that our partner sees us the best person alive ( for them obviously). The most physically attractive , etc etc. An affair in theory proves the exact opposite while it has nothing to do with the partner. Not going into the debate that its our job to feel that way, we should be secure enough in ourselves etc. That is all fine but after affair its a different story.

 

You are in grief and its going to take time for you to grasp the actual damage done. If you feel she is doing what you want her to, then I guess its not enough.She should be doing more. More than you want or expect her to, without you asking.

 

Give it a go so that you know that you gave a chance, she used it or not, is her problem in the end.

[Chi townD]

Okay, first off. I'm not thrilled that you told her about this website. This should have been your safe place to ask questions, to tell you story. To vent if you needed to. Now, she knows your here and you actively participate. If she's wondering where you head is at or what your next move is, all she has to do is come here. She's probably reading this right now...So, HI!

 

I like the fact that you're not making any knee jerk reactions. You're taking your time and letting the dust settle. Not letting emotions get in the way of what you think is important for you.

 

But, here's the rub. You are going on a ride and and it's called the roller coaster of emotions. It's a real thing with LOTS of ups and downs. One minute you'll be happy, the next your a pile of blubbering goo. One minute your laughing, the next your angry as hell. One minute you feel like you can't go on, the next minute you just could care less. One minute you can't picture a life without her, the next you can't stand to even look at her. Up and down, up and down. And no one knows how long this ride is. Different strokes for different folks. You have no choice, you have to ride it. Question is, is she strong enough to ride it out with you or even if you want her to.

 

Another thing to consider, you will trigger. And the weirdest things will trigger you. Could be a scent. It could be seeing a rose. And that rose reminds you of the time you sent her roses for no reason at all other than to show her that you love her and how could she do this to me!!!! I'm not say the above happened, that's just an example of how easy a stupid nothing object can trigger you. You need to keep that into consideration as well.

 

I don't care what she tells you, you are NOT to be blamed for her affair! That was a choice she made. Do marriages have problems? SURE! But, you can be blamed for 50% of those problems and she needs to own up to the other 50%. But, her choice to cheat on you was 100% on her. You didn't force her into someone else's bed. She made that choice willingly for over 3 years.

 

So, IF you do seek out marriage counseling, you need to do your homework and find a MC that specializes in infidelity. And run-of-the-mill MC that you find will make it your fault. Telling you what YOU did or what YOU didn't do to cause her to cheat. A marriage counselor that specializes will make her own her own sh*t.

[BetrayedDad]

Just a quick update, I made an appointment to start mediation in 2 weeks. I understand that we can cancel it anytime if we decide to stay together. In all honesty, I have not completely ruled out reconciliation (primarily for my kids, but I do still love my wife very much...crazy, right?), but I've been living a lie for the past 4 years and I feel I need to move forward with my life one way or the other.

Edited May 30, 2017 by BetrayedDad

[reboot]

Just a quick update, I made an appointment to start mediation in 2 weeks. I understand that we can cancel it anytime if we decide to stay together. In all honesty, I have not completely ruled out reconciliation (primarily for my kids, but I do still love my wife very much...crazy, right?), but I've been living a lie for the past 4 years and I feel I need to move forward with my life one way or the other.

 

No it isn't crazy. Lots of people love hard, and it doesn't go away easily. That's not a bad thing. It just sucks when the person you love doesn't deserve it.

[Furious]

Just a quick update, I made an appointment to start mediation in 2 weeks. I understand that we can cancel it anytime if we decide to stay together. In all honesty, I have not completely ruled out reconciliation (primarily for my kids, but I do still love my wife very much...crazy, right?), but I've been living a lie for the past 4 years and I feel I need to move forward with my life one way or the other.

 

 

Gently .....you need IC and the reconciliation fence sitting is a diversion.

 

You need to ask yourself why did you pursue the truth for the past year and when you got the truth you're torn as to the reality you suspected.

 

Be aware that if you seriously move toward divorcing your wife her claws will come out.

 

She's reading your thread here, you made a mistake in letting her in to your safe space.

Edited May 30, 2017 by Furious

[harrybrown]

I think right now, the thought of not seeing her kids everyday is helping clear her head and opening her eyes as to what she has risked losing...and for what?...some guy that only used her for sex. I think reality is hitting her hard right now. I just worry what happens in a few years from now when this has all blown over and we are back to the boring but stressful family life...that is if we even stay together.

 

Save yourself future pain.

 

File for D. She will do it again.

[mikeylo]

Just a quick update, I made an appointment to start mediation in 2 weeks. I understand that we can cancel it anytime if we decide to stay together. In all honesty, I have not completely ruled out reconciliation (primarily for my kids, but I do still love my wife very much...crazy, right?), but I've been living a lie for the past 4 years and I feel I need to move forward with my life one way or the other.

 

I'm all for keeping relationships intact. I really hope she sees how much you love her before she loses it forever.

 

Her life was a lie as well.

 

Duh! A few moments of thrill, destroys lives...

[aliveagain]

Just a quick update, I made an appointment to start mediation in 2 weeks. I understand that we can cancel it anytime if we decide to stay together. In all honesty, I have not completely ruled out reconciliation (primarily for my kids, but I do still love my wife very much...crazy, right?), but I've been living a lie for the past 4 years and I feel I need to move forward with my life one way or the other.

 

Friend, we can all tell that you still love her very much. Yes the last 4 years were a lie, you showed up everyday 100% committed to your wife and children, she was there only part time, she allowed another man to stake your property and take your place 50% of the time. Since you have never answered my two very difficult questions(was he in your home, did she introduce him to your children) my take is that he was. All I can say to that is I am very, very sorry. When they don't respect your sanctuary, well, that's a whole other hell.

[BetrayedDad]

Friend, we can all tell that you still love her very much. Yes the last 4 years were a lie, you showed up everyday 100% committed to your wife and children, she was there only part time, she allowed another man to stake your property and take your place 50% of the time. Since you have never answered my two very difficult questions(was he in your home, did she introduce him to your children) my take is that he was. All I can say to that is I am very, very sorry. When they don't respect your sanctuary, well, that's a whole other hell.

 

I missed your questions along the way. She is adamant that he has never been in our home and I am inclined to believe her. She said it was too risky because of our neighbors and such. As far as meeting our kids, I could have even introduced them at some point over the years. I've known the guy and used to ride bikes with him before he ever met my wife. Up until 11 days ago, we were Facebook friends and would say hello or wave if we saw each other around town. Some friend...

[BetrayedDad]

There's a lot of hard truths here that you're coping with, most of which of which are not in your favor.

 

It's know it's hard to imagine or think about right now, but here's a hard truth that's in your favor. When you walk away from this thing, you walk away with clean hands and limitless potential. You've been out of the game, but here in 2017, at your age, your single market value is unbelievably higher than hers. You won't just find love again, you will find better love. And your tale of heart break and escaping an abusive spouse? Ooooo they are gonna eat you up. You look real good paper and these women are thirsty.

 

Her single market value is, umm, well, let's just say she's underwater. Older woman with kids, 4 year scarlet A, not much earning potential. Dude, she's gonna have to settle for cats. Seriously, older men have watched their all the friends get taken to the cleaners or they've been taken to the cleaners themselves. She's elimated a huge portion of men from her dating pool with the cheating alone. At best, she's going to get another cheater or a co-dependent. (Don't think she doesn't know this.)

 

There is a brighter day after this. You need to figure out how to get out of the swamp. Every moment you stay there is adding to your PTSD. Even if you don't leave physically, mentally, you need to grieve the loss of her and start preparing for your new life. Find a friend or relative who wants to go to Vegas and plan it out. Go buy the car you've always wanted to buy. Hit the gym, find some self improvement websites, new wardrobe, whatever you freaking want. You are no longer bound by her chains.

 

Welcome to the world. Good things are coming if you let them. You'll be surprised at how much things have changed since you were younger.

 

Thank you for the inspiring comments. But frankly, if we proceed with a divorce, I think I'd rather get a dog.

[aliveagain]

Thank you for the inspiring comments. But frankly, if we proceed with a divorce, I think I'd rather get a dog.

 

You can always trust a dog. Glad to hear he was never in your home and it's still a sanctuary for you.

[QuietDan]

Interesting...about a month or so ago, she told me that she resented me. That comment hit me hard and made me do some soul searching. I did make tangible changes (i.e., doing laundry, helping with the dishes more often, even vacuuming). I wish she told me that 4 years ago before she started her affair.

 

So 4 weeks ago, she was ...??? Prepping to leave you? Starting to make the case and lay out her reasons and justifications for cheating the last four years? Working on the final stages of emotionally disconnecting. Was still in a calm, controlling, mindset. Finally opening up and starting to become transparent as she was working on her final exit plans.

Letting you start to see the real person who she was?

[harrybrown]

And you believe anything she says?

 

She is very good at lying to you and has been for many years.

 

You should not believe a thing she says.

 

look at her actions. She had wonderful sex with him for many years.

 

She did things with him that she would never do with you.

 

and she did not get any stds? and she believes that he only had sex with her, his wife and several other married women because he did have sex with many many married women. She was not the only one that he used for sex.

 

He has bragged about his affairs with his buddies and told them how easy your wife is.

 

She has had more than one A. this is not her only rodeo.

 

Get out now. file for D. she can go live with the OM and his wife.

 

Just leave your family alone.

 

You think you love her, but she has shown you the real her.

 

She is not who you think she is. the person that you thought you loved does not exist.

 

This was an exit affair. She was going away and replacing you. To live with her guilt, she told the OM so many of your perceived faults, so that she could justify her A.

 

 

Get the mediation started. You will heal much faster without her in your life.

 

What does she think about letting you have a four or ten year affair?

 

You do not know how many she has had, but she has had several.

 

Good luck to you and your kids. Get her out of your life. She does not respect you. four years and how many other affairs?

 

Get your life back. Doing this to someone you supposedly love?

 

She cut your heart out, threw it in the fire ate it and then passed it out her behind. How will she make the **** remains back into a beating heart?

 

you do not do this to even your worst enemies. And she did it to you over and over and over again.

 

 

Get out so you can have your life back someday. Good luck to you and your kids.

 

This will cause anger and hate until she has finally killed any love you ever had for what you thought she was. Someday, if not today, she has killed any love you ever had.

 

It will not get better having her in your life. It will only get worse.

 

take back your life and get her out of it. She has proven that she is your enemy. Believe her.

[usa1ah]

You have very well captured much of what runs through my mind. In a nutshell, she has lied and deceived me for so long and easily, I wonder what was and is real. I suppose time will tell.

 

Being served with divorce papers would tell sooner.

[usa1ah]

Just a quick update, I made an appointment to start mediation in 2 weeks. I understand that we can cancel it anytime if we decide to stay together. In all honesty, I have not completely ruled out reconciliation (primarily for my kids, but I do still love my wife very much...crazy, right?), but I've been living a lie for the past 4 years and I feel I need to move forward with my life one way or the other.

 

Not crazy. This is still new to you. The heart takes it's time to catch up.

 

Your wife has had 5 to 6 years to change her feelings for you.

[QuietDan]

One night stands, short term affairs that last a few days, a week or two, even a couple of months can be seen as short term anomolous behavior. Some sort of weakness found, exposed, discovered. A bit of obsessive compulsive behavior that was out of control or misdirected. Four years... Long term, characteristics, fundamental nature, hard wire, learned, reinforced, adopted, world view time frame. Basic nature? Childhood traumas? Attachment disorders? Maladjusted coping mechanisms? Some sort of sexual abuse history? Is she able to ultimately to ultimately have a monogamous relationship with with anyone in a long term relationship? Do you want to be investigating her for the rest of your life?

[QuietDan]

I am going to take one step back here. I've only heard one side of this. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, who knows what lead to this? How much blame you have or want to own or take on here. Who knows?

One thing I can surmise from this, there is something that is truly profoundly, fundamentaly, broken and wrong with the relationship that exists between the two of you. No short term easy fixes. The communication and adaptation skills that you two have in order to have a relationship with each other doesn't appear to be a healthy or possitive experience that brings out the best of either one of you.

[Trtroles]

You belive your wife ??? I am sorry for you.

[Wade Lamare]

 

At this point, I still want a timeline because there are so many blanks in my mind. She has given me the estimated start and end months, the place, and times they usually met, but no specific dates or events...like the time I took the kids to monster trucks...nope, the time I was away at scout camp with our boys...nope, then when? To me, those would have been ideal times. She still doesn't understand why I want to know.

 

Not uncommon for waywards of either sex for many reasons, from simply just wanting it all to go away and rugsweeping the affair away as soon as possible right up to honestly not wanting to hurt their spouse any more and feeling that 'continually going over it' will not help.

 

The best thing I've seen in this circumstance when they say "why do you need to know?" is something called Joseph's letter.

 

To Whomever,

I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly.

No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge.

You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. YOU carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isn’t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don’t have.

Now let’s enter my reality. Let’s both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down.

To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are.

When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what’s the difference, it’s not important.

Then later when I’m expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it.

You wonder why I can’t just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don’t you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart.

I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together.

It doesn’t come from jealousy, it doesn’t come from spitefulness, and it doesn’t come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn’t it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn’t it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can’t and the reason I can’t is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.

[BetrayedDad]

I'd like to thank everyone that responded to my thread. It's now been 2 weeks and 3 days since D-day and I'm finally eating all 3 meals, sleeping 7 hours, and no longer crying at some point throughout the day. I have bought a couple books on surviving an affair. I still struggle with whether to stay together for the kids or get a divorce. My wife and I get along well and the kids do not seem to suspect anything. Our appointment to start mediation is 1 week from Monday. I often wonder if it's too soon to make a major decision like divorce or if it's best to get it over and not drag this whole thing out. Every time I think of something that we did over the last 4 years, I'm reminded of what she was doing at that time...like this morning's Facebook Memory photo that came up of my wife and I with our younger son when he graduated preschool...my mind immediately went to the thought that her affair had been going on for a year when he graduated preschool. Damn Facebook Memories.

[reboot]

You know you can turn that off.

[Friskyone4u]

I'd like to thank everyone that responded to my thread. It's now been 2 weeks and 3 days since D-day and I'm finally eating all 3 meals, sleeping 7 hours, and no longer crying at some point throughout the day. I have bought a couple books on surviving an affair. I still struggle with whether to stay together for the kids or get a divorce. My wife and I get along well and the kids do not seem to suspect anything. Our appointment to start mediation is 1 week from Monday. I often wonder if it's too soon to make a major decision like divorce or if it's best to get it over and not drag this whole thing out. Every time I think of something that we did over the last 4 years, I'm reminded of what she was doing at that time...like this morning's Facebook Memory photo that came up of my wife and I with our younger son when he graduated preschool...my mind immediately went to the thought that her affair had been going on for a year when he graduated preschool. Damn Facebook Memories.

 

It doesn't matter which choice you make because either way you are not going to get any guarantees on how it will work out. If you stay, you face years of mental anguish knowing that the last four years have been a total lie and that every mom onset or happy time you thought you had she was having sex with another man.

There is no formula for any of this. Men have divorced the wives over an EA and others have reconciled with wives who have banged double digit OM's. That's why the advice you get is all over the place.

Just my opinion, she has been so deceitful for such a long time I do not know how she ever regains the semi trust and how you believe anything she says. Apparently you still have no idea where they were hooking up if not in your house.

If she is really remorseful, she will grant you a divorce without raking you over the coals. There is no law against remarrying your ex wife if she earns her way back into your life, even if you still live together but divorced. Then you watch her actions and if she cheats again or breaks your boundaries you are not starting at square one right back where you are now.

[Marc878]

I missed your questions along the way. She is adamant that he has never been in our home and I am inclined to believe her. She said it was too risky because of our neighbors and such. As far as meeting our kids, I could have even introduced them at some point over the years. I've known the guy and used to ride bikes with him before he ever met my wife. Up until 11 days ago, we were Facebook friends and would say hello or wave if we saw each other around town. Some friend...

 

My friend the cheater mantra is lie, hide and deny.

 

Most stay in the betrayed spouse syndrome for awhile. You want to believe her because not to is hard to take.

 

I suspect like most you only know the "tip of the iceberg".

[BetrayedDad]

My friend the cheater mantra is lie, hide and deny.

 

Most stay in the betrayed spouse syndrome for awhile. You want to believe her because not to is hard to take.

 

I suspect like most you only know the "tip of the iceberg".

 

I believe that I only know the best of the worst, if that makes any sense. She doesn't want to talk about it because she says she is ashamed and wants to forget all of it. Unfortunately, it's not that easy for me. This and the continued lies are probably the main reasons why we are still scheduled to start mediation a week from tomorrow.

[Marc878]

I believe that I only know the best of the worst, if that makes any sense. She doesn't want to talk about it because she says she is ashamed and wants to forget all of it. Unfortunately, it's not that easy for me. This and the continued lies are probably the main reasons why we are still scheduled to start mediation a week from tomorrow.

 

Of course she does. Shes not on the receiving end. Any rug sweeping will be to your detriment long term if you choose to R. Right now it doesn't seem like she's a good candidate. Destroy your world/life and then "let's just forget about it"?

 

For her

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

For you if you Ho that route

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce