17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[QuietDan]

I believe that I only know the best of the worst, if that makes any sense. She doesn't want to talk about it because she says she is ashamed and wants to forget all of it. Unfortunately, it's not that easy for me. This and the continued lies are probably the main reasons why we are still scheduled to start mediation a week from tomorrow.

 

Do you really want to know the worse though? Would knowing everything be a help or a hinderence? If it's over, do you need to know? Or do you think knowing would make it easier to help to end things?

If she took the leap of faith to become open , transparent, and vulnerable to you rejecting her for who she has become, do you think it would make a difference? Usually relationships involving infidelity have multiple issues and challenges regarding communication prior to infidelity..... All sorts of daunting challenges and fears to face and overcome when dealing with the consequences of infidelity for both the wayward and betrayed spouse.

[Friskyone4u]

I believe that I only know the best of the worst, if that makes any sense. She doesn't want to talk about it because she says she is ashamed and wants to forget all of it. Unfortunately, it's not that easy for me. This and the continued lies are probably the main reasons why we are still scheduled to start mediation a week from tomorrow.

 

BD,

 

You just summed it up.

(1) she chatted on you for years. She does not get to decide if you talk about it or not. That statement she makes about refusing to talk about it is as disrespectful as it gets. She is not ashamed, she is sorry she got caught and it is over and now wants her life to be what she wants it to be and you to just suck it all up. You will be a heartsick man for many years.

(2) And how can you possibly consider reconciliation if you know she is still lying.

 

Women who cheat and RESIST ,as you wife is doing, will do it again or start it again, and if you had the time and did the reading you would read that over and over again.

 

If you stay with this woman and do not insist on a polygraph in the future, you are asking for another whacking.

[BetrayedDad]

Do you really want to know the worse though? Would knowing everything be a help or a hinderence? If it's over, do you need to know? Or do you think knowing would make it easier to help to end things?

If she took the leap of faith to become open , transparent, and vulnerable to you rejecting her for who she has become, do you think it would make a difference? Usually relationships involving infidelity have multiple issues and challenges regarding communication prior to infidelity..... All sorts of daunting challenges and fears to face and overcome when dealing with the consequences of infidelity for both the wayward and betrayed spouse.

 

To be blunt, YES, I want to know...because I want her to tell me something that I can believe...I want a shred of honesty. As hurtful as it may be to me, I can't move forward if I don't receive some truth. I don't want to hear how he was mean to her or that he said good things about me...WTF!

 

I think at this point, she won't be hurtfully truthful with me for fear that I'll leave...but at the same time, I'm going to leave if she will not be hurtfully truthful with me. She just doesn't understand how much I need truth and honesty right now and I fear it will destroy any hope we have of staying together.

Edited June 5, 2017 by BetrayedDad

[Marc878]

To be blunt, YES, I want to know...because I want her to tell me something that I can believe...I want a shred of honesty. As hurtful as it may be to me, I can't move forward if I don't receive some truth. I don't want to hear how he was mean to her or that he said good things about me...WTF!

 

I think at this point, she won't be hurtfully truthful with me for fear that I'll leave...but at the same time, I'm going to leave if she will not be hurtfully truthful with me. She just doesn't understand how much I need truth and honesty right now and I fear it will destroy any hope we have of staying together.

 

Most do. Without the full truth it'll just eat at you forever.

 

There are no guarantees of R after infidelity. You owe her nothing.

 

Think long and hard as you owe yourself everything.

 

Good luck to you

[oldlion]

I read through your thread today and something occurred to me that hadn't crossed my mind before. Someone said that during your wife's almost 4 year affair she had more emotional feelings and more invested in the AP than she did in you. That, in effect, made you Plan B. Now that the AP is gone and she has been caught, she has activated her Plan B and is focussed on saving the marriage. Now here is what occurred to me. Since you are leaning more toward divorce and less toward R, this in effect makes her your Plan B. Plan A, divorce; Plan B, remaining married to her. Maybe she needs to know that she can be a Plan B also. I am someone who believes in second chances (don't believe in third chances) but only if there are certain things present. One thing being, does she love you, really love you? I know you said you love her but if her love and heart is directed at someone other than you, and you R, you are setting yourself up for hurt in the future. I do wish you well.

[Trtroles]

She doesn't want to talk about it because she says she is ashamed and wants to forget all of it.

 

Wow. She is not remorseful. You wife got some balls.

 

Do you know why she cries ? She cries because OM dumped her to save his own marriage. He told his wife she was nothing to him which is true. She was only a ... you know what.

 

I feel sorry for you my man .

[harrybrown]

She still has not written a timeline of the A and agreed to take the polygraph on her timeline?

 

I am sorry for your pain. she should do that just to give you some ease of the pain she has caused.

 

She is still selfish and thinking only about her.

 

Many Waywords do not realize that they have forever changed the feelings that their spouse had for them. They do not realize that it can never be special like it was before.

 

Even with the mediation, she loved you enough once to marry you.

 

She should give you the gift of the timeline, just so you do not have to stay in the dark and have the entire picture.

 

I wish she would stop stabbing you in the back first with the long A and then continue with the TT and the continued lying.

 

You will be better off without her in your life. Wish she would at least do the timeline for you, and read how to help your spouse heal from the A.

 

Good luck with the D.

 

I do see she gave you some kind of timeline, but maybe not the diary of her thoughts and wonderful feelings she had during her A

Edited June 5, 2017 by harrybrown
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[Buckeye2]

I think at this point, she won't be hurtfully truthful with me for fear that I'll leave...but at the same time, I'm going to leave if she will not be hurtfully truthful with me. She just doesn't understand how much I need truth and honesty right now and I fear it will destroy any hope we have of staying together.

 

Someone else might have said this but put a VAR under her car seat or wherever. At this point you can only get the truth by finding out what she is telling her friends.

 

Basically monitor her means of communication. Once those methods are in place "kick the ant nest" by asking her questions. If she doesn't tell you anything new that's fine. Demanding a timeline will also work. Hopefully this will prompt her to confide in a friend.

[mikeylo]

Someone else might have said this but put a VAR under her car seat or wherever. At this point you can only get the truth by finding out what she is telling her friends.

 

Basically monitor her means of communication. Once those methods are in place "kick the ant nest" by asking her questions. If she doesn't tell you anything new that's fine. Demanding a timeline will also work. Hopefully this will prompt her to confide in a friend.

 

His WW is reading this thread

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I believe that I only know the best of the worst, if that makes any sense. She doesn't want to talk about it because she says she is ashamed and wants to forget all of it. Unfortunately, it's not that easy for me. This and the continued lies are probably the main reasons why we are still scheduled to start mediation a week from tomorrow.

 

Oh well. She doesn't have that luxury if she actually wants to save the marriage. She does whatever YOU say you need her to do or there is no fixing it.

[drifter777]

To be blunt, YES, I want to know...because I want her to tell me something that I can believe...I want a shred of honesty. As hurtful as it may be to me, I can't move forward if I don't receive some truth. I don't want to hear how he was mean to her or that he said good things about me...WTF!

 

I think at this point, she won't be hurtfully truthful with me for fear that I'll leave...but at the same time, I'm going to leave if she will not be hurtfully truthful with me. She just doesn't understand how much I need truth and honesty right now and I fear it will destroy any hope we have of staying together.

 

Have, basically, threatened her that the marriage is over if she doesn't comply with your need for the truth? I'm sure she keeps telling you that she has told you everything but you know she's withholding and minimizing. Make it clear, on more time, that the marriage is over unless you get what you need. Then follow through if she won't comply.

[BetrayedDad]

Of the tens of thousands of men just on this site I wound wager at least a thousand of us could have written your very words. No mistake was made here friend, what you have discovered is a well planned out collaboration by two married people against their spouses. They made the conscious decision together with a full understanding of what they were doing to their families and what they were risking. It takes a lot of planning in order to deceive so many people, they have to plan together against you so what was once a husband and wife dynamic now becomes a wife and affair partner. The husband is deceived into believing that he still holds the only position in her life but in reality he is in the way of her happiness but doesn't know it.

 

They have been preparing for a potential discovery for the past 3 or 4 years. Her POS boyfriend didn't keep his end of the bargain because he probably figured out what the infidelity will cost him and how much of a lifestyle change he will have to make. She just discovered that he was just in it for sh*ts and giggles and you are her best bet for keeping a roof over her head. She wasn't thinking about you or your children when they met up for sex so adjust your thinking, there is nothing special about your wife. She is behaving just like every other cheating adulterous unremorseful wife we have seen get busted on this site. We can probably predict her very next move. You need to distance yourself from her so you have clarity because you need to make decisions that are best for you and your children. When she chose her behaviour she also chose the consequences that went with that behaviour. Get the best lawyer you can afford, she brought a predator into your life, you need to see just how much damage she has caused and if she is worth the work required to fix this. Nothing will ever be the same, you now know the real her.

 

I'm 2 days shy of 3 weeks past D-Day and am re-reading the comments on this thread and wanted to thank you. I feel there is a lot of truth and validity to your post. Thank you.

[BetrayedDad]

I read through your thread today and something occurred to me that hadn't crossed my mind before. Someone said that during your wife's almost 4 year affair she had more emotional feelings and more invested in the AP than she did in you. That, in effect, made you Plan B. Now that the AP is gone and she has been caught, she has activated her Plan B and is focussed on saving the marriage. Now here is what occurred to me. Since you are leaning more toward divorce and less toward R, this in effect makes her your Plan B. Plan A, divorce; Plan B, remaining married to her. Maybe she needs to know that she can be a Plan B also. I am someone who believes in second chances (don't believe in third chances) but only if there are certain things present. One thing being, does she love you, really love you? I know you said you love her but if her love and heart is directed at someone other than you, and you R, you are setting yourself up for hurt in the future. I do wish you well.

 

Thank you for your post. I hadn't considered that perspective.

[BetrayedDad]

Have, basically, threatened her that the marriage is over if she doesn't comply with your need for the truth? I'm sure she keeps telling you that she has told you everything but you know she's withholding and minimizing. Make it clear, on more time, that the marriage is over unless you get what you need. Then follow through if she won't comply.

 

She provided a high-level timeline and finally, last night, she provided me with some hurtful truth. She had to write it down because she could not bring herself to say some of it out loud. I read it and thanked her. I was calm and asked a few clarifying questions. She could not understand why I was still even speaking to her. She still doesn't understand my need to fill in the missing pieces to my 4-year puzzle, but I feel that she took a significant step in the right direction. Also, this morning, she gave me her Facebook and email passwords. She is also still actively trying to start IC. She has called a couple of places and we are waiting for a call back.

 

She says she wants to reconcile and I believe she does want our family to stay together. I think reality is sinking in a little more each day. As for me, I have not ruled out divorce (not by a long shot), but I am willing to give her a little more time before calling it quits...mostly because my decision will impact my kids for the rest of their lives...and I do still love her. As of now, I changed Monday's mediation appointment to a consultation.

[Mrs. John Adams]

YOu do realize that you may never know the whole truth? What I mean by this is....none of us can read the mind of our spouse. SO there comes a time when we either accept that we know ENOUGH if the truth to make an intelligent decision or not about reconciliation.

 

Another thing...none of us can remember every detail...everything said...every move taken...every place we went. Making a completely detailed time line for a 4 year period is almost impossible.

 

So once again...do we have enpough information to process what happened or what did not happen to make a decision whether we can or cannot reconcile.

 

Here is the bottom line....is a 4 year calculated affair more than you can forgive?

 

If it is...you proceed with divorce. If you love her more than you hate what she did...(Mercy posted this and it spoke volumes to me)...then there is hope for reconciliation. If you hate what she did more than you love her....then proceed with a divorce. Reconciliation is a difficult process...and both partners have to be committed 100%....which means that both have to be honest...and transparent...and have proper boundaries...and put the needs of the other one first.

 

A 4 year affair would probably be over my line...I dont know that i could ever process that for 4 years....my spouse lived a lie. That doesn't mean that it is too much for you.

 

NO one here...not one single person knows your wife....or knows her heart...

We can recommend the things to look for....the things she needs to be doing for you...etc. But only you know...in your gut...if you can give her a second chance. Is it a risk? Absolutely.....but is it a risk you are willing to take?

 

Your DDAY...was such a short time ago. You really have not had time to process everything...and i know you want an answer and you want this to be over. I am here to tell you...that this is going to take a long time. If you reconcile...you hve to totally rebuild trust...you have to grow comfortable again....its like starting over except...your past is still part of your future....and it always will be.

[Marc878]

It's not uncommon for some BS's to look for any way to stay.

 

Stepping out into the unknown is scary. A crappy situation is a known. Less scary. Many stay just for this reason.

 

Jumping into R is one of the worst things you can do.

 

The ones who get strong quick and stay there come out best.

 

OP you'll wallow in this as long as you let yourself.

 

Better take some time to wake up to where you are.

[Zona]

Did I miss something? Did she ever explain why she came forward and confessed now?

 

To me that would be important to know. I would divorce her anyway, but I would still want to know the answer to this question before I sent her packing.

 

It took 4 years for her conscience to kick in?

[harrybrown]

I would continue the mediation.

 

This strong stance of yours is the thing that is helping her to wake up.

 

When does she give you a ten year pass?

[Marc878]

Going to mediation was a good move. Doesn't mean you have to do it.

 

I've seen many forget the actions that got them in a good place.

 

They regret weakening later.

 

I would bet this isn't her first rodeo. Better take some time here OP.

 

After a 4 yr LTA that you know of I'd have a poly done.

 

Why would you not?

[Cephalopod]

 

She says she wants to reconcile and I believe she does want our family to stay together.

 

See I blow cold on statements like this.

 

I appreciate and understand a WS wanting to keep a family together, but more importantly, I want the WS to want ME more than anything else.

 

Does she want YOU back, or just the cozy, comfortable family life the two of you once had before she detonated a thermonuclear bomb underneath it?

 

That is the question she needs to answer. Does she want you as a lover? Does she desire you sexually, more than her OM? Does she see growing old with you, after your penis goes limp and your hair turns gray and you start sporting more liver spots than freckles?

 

Can she answer these kinds of questions?

[BetrayedDad]

Did I miss something? Did she ever explain why she came forward and confessed now?

 

To me that would be important to know. I would divorce her anyway, but I would still want to know the answer to this question before I sent her packing.

 

It took 4 years for her conscience to kick in?

 

She didn't come forward and confess...I confronted her, she tried to deflect my question 3 times but I didn't back down. She finally admitted it because she thought I found some kind of proof on her phone or computer.

[Marc878]

Was the other spouse able to verify anything.

 

Like it's not ongoing, date of when it ended, etc?

[Furious]

She provided a high-level timeline and finally, last night, she provided me with some hurtful truth.

 

 

She had to write it down because she could not bring herself to say some of it out loud. I read it and thanked her. I was calm and asked a few clarifying questions.

 

 

She could not understand why I was still even speaking to her.

 

She still doesn't understand my need to fill in the missing pieces to my 4-year puzzle, but I feel that she took a significant step in the right direction.

 

Also, this morning, she gave me her Facebook and email passwords. She is also still actively trying to start IC. She has called a couple of places and we are waiting for a call back.

 

She says she wants to reconcile and I believe she does want our family to stay together. I think reality is sinking in a little more each day.

 

As for me, I have not ruled out divorce (not by a long shot), but I am willing to give her a little more time before calling it quits...mostly because my decision will impact my kids for the rest of their lives...and I do still love her. As of now, I changed Monday's mediation appointment to a consultation.

 

She does understand your need to fill in the blanks for the last 4 years but it's not about you still. The affair was her private world and you're invading that world with your insistence to your reality.

 

You think she's beginning to open up to you and transparent but you're mistaken to believe she is beginning to see the light.

 

You've pried it out bit by bit, she's resisted at every step even when she's seen you in despair. Yet, despite you not being to eat or sleep and crying she holds back and drip by drip she relents. This is the action of self protection and it takes a cold heart to watch you suffer and have to beg for the truth.

 

She's behaving in a typical way that many WS's do when caught. She's one step ahead of you playing the her stacked deck of cards.

 

Be warned if you do decide to divorce her you'll see her true colors come out.

 

Someone who can carry on a 3-4 year affair double life is not going to change within weeks of d-day.

Edited June 7, 2017 by Furious

[BetrayedDad]

Was the other spouse able to verify anything.

 

Like it's not ongoing, date of when it ended, etc?

 

We have an informal no contact agreement between our families which was facilitated by the police. I have had no communication with her AP's spouse since I notified her of the affair. At that time, she replied that she confronted her husband and he denied it.

[BetrayedDad]

See I blow cold on statements like this.

 

I appreciate and understand a WS wanting to keep a family together, but more importantly, I want the WS to want ME more than anything else.

 

Does she want YOU back, or just the cozy, comfortable family life the two of you once had before she detonated a thermonuclear bomb underneath it?

 

I think this is one of the things I'm struggling with...what changed in the last 9 months to make her go from sleeping with him the night before our 17th Anniversary to now saying she loves me and wants to reconcile. I guess it's that her fantasy world has crumbled away.

 

Now I'm trying to figure out if she really loves me or if (like you noted) does she just want to keep us together for our kids and to save face in our community. I suppose only time will tell.