17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[BetrayedDad]

YOu do realize that you may never know the whole truth? What I mean by this is....none of us can read the mind of our spouse. SO there comes a time when we either accept that we know ENOUGH if the truth to make an intelligent decision or not about reconciliation.

 

Another thing...none of us can remember every detail...everything said...every move taken...every place we went. Making a completely detailed time line for a 4 year period is almost impossible.

 

So once again...do we have enpough information to process what happened or what did not happen to make a decision whether we can or cannot reconcile.

 

Here is the bottom line....is a 4 year calculated affair more than you can forgive?

 

If it is...you proceed with divorce. If you love her more than you hate what she did...(Mercy posted this and it spoke volumes to me)...then there is hope for reconciliation. If you hate what she did more than you love her....then proceed with a divorce. Reconciliation is a difficult process...and both partners have to be committed 100%....which means that both have to be honest...and transparent...and have proper boundaries...and put the needs of the other one first.

 

A 4 year affair would probably be over my line...I dont know that i could ever process that for 4 years....my spouse lived a lie. That doesn't mean that it is too much for you.

 

NO one here...not one single person knows your wife....or knows her heart...

We can recommend the things to look for....the things she needs to be doing for you...etc. But only you know...in your gut...if you can give her a second chance. Is it a risk? Absolutely.....but is it a risk you are willing to take?

 

Your DDAY...was such a short time ago. You really have not had time to process everything...and i know you want an answer and you want this to be over. I am here to tell you...that this is going to take a long time. If you reconcile...you hve to totally rebuild trust...you have to grow comfortable again....its like starting over except...your past is still part of your future....and it always will be.

 

Thank you for your post.

 

I do understand that I'll never know the whole truth. At this point, I know that I love my kids more than I hate what she did. I'm still trying to figure out the rest and I agree that I still have not processed everything.

[aliveagain]

The key fact is you busted her, she had no intention of stopping her affair. She'd still be sleeping with him the night before your next anniversary, fathers day, your birthday, Christmas eve for years to come if you hadn't of caught her. She didn't come to you on her own and confess and that speaks volumes about the kind of person she is. That one fact in my opinion discounts most of what she is now doing because you don't know what her truth is yet. Two things you know to be absolutely true is what she did to your family for the last 4 years and that her O/M didn't keep his word to her. Polygraph and brutal postnuptial, I personally would have a hard time taking someone back who is in love with another man, what exactly are you getting back?

[HereNorThere]

Just keep in mind that just because OM is laying low now and putting out fires at home doesn't mean he's gone forever. His wife is in a state of shock but you have no idea what will happen in the future. If she leaves him or the heat dies down, he will be back around. 4 years is a really long time and we tend to romanticize the past. Plus, it's an easy lay for him. On a long enough time scale, they will contact each other. If you stay, you will maintain a state of hyper vigilance, just waiting for the shoe to drop knowing he's out there.

 

Read around these forums. They rarely go no contact for long. They'll be commiserating with each other as soon as the heat dies down. They always do. The police no contact thing just provides good cover for them.

[road]

Just keep in mind that just because OM is laying low now and putting out fires at home doesn't mean he's gone forever. His wife is in a state of shock but you have no idea what will happen in the future. If she leaves him or the heat dies down, he will be back around. 4 years is a really long time and we tend to romanticize the past. Plus, it's an easy lay for him. On a long enough time scale, they will contact each other. If you stay, you will maintain a state of hyper vigilance, just waiting for the shoe to drop knowing he's out there.

 

Read around these forums. They rarely go no contact for long. They'll be commiserating with each other as soon as the heat dies down. They always do. The police no contact thing just provides good cover for them.

 

This is why it is required for the BH to move his family far away from the

OM to prevent NC being broken and the affair restarting.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you for your post.

 

I do understand that I'll never know the whole truth. At this point, I know that I love my kids more than I hate what she did. I'm still trying to figure out the rest and I agree that I still have not processed everything.

 

And even if you do split, you'll love your kids just as much. Loving your kids does not have to mean reconciliation, nor does forgiveness (or even just acceptance) or not hating her. Take it from someone who once confused the two (i.e. that forgiveness equals reconciliation) and made a huge mistake.

[Friskyone4u]

Thank you for your post.

 

I do understand that I'll never know the whole truth. At this point, I know that I love my kids more than I hate what she did. I'm still trying to figure out the rest and I agree that I still have not processed everything.

 

BD,

 

You are making that statement because your D Day is so new. And you are using your kids as a reason to deflect the reality, which is also normal.

Now I am not telling you to make any decisions this moment. I am telling you that 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce, most with children involved, and kids turn out just fine in most cases. Your children are precious but you stuffing heartache and swallowing this **** sandwich she has served you will emotionally take its toll and you will not be the parent you think you will be.

 

Obviously there are different types of infidelity but I think for most this LTA where for almost four years every day of your life was not what you thought it was is going to make you question every day for a long long time. And as someone pointed out, had you not caught her, she might be screwing him tonight.

 

It was also pointed out to you that you are and will be vin the "danger" zone forever in your current situation. It does not matter if OM stays with wife, divorces wife, or in between. He is geographically easily accessible to your wife, you wife has never turned him down, and even if he is still married like you you can bet the odds are he will go "fishing" at some point. Women do not bang other men for four years or three and not become deeply emotionally attached.

 

If I were you, I'd stop worrying about the past in that does it matter if she banged him on April Fools Day last year. You can count on

(1) they had a lot of sex

(2) she did everything g he asked her to do sexually

(3) and your worst nightmares are reality.

 

If you stay with her, what you really need to focus on is how you ever regain any trust at all, which will take years and years. And her not slobbering and begging is not a good sign. Wanting to keep their family together is her wanting to rugsweep.

 

The time you need a polygraph is NOT now. It is unannounced six months from now or WHENEVER Betrayed Dad triggers and needs assurance. If you stay, I would tell her exactly what your plan for that is, just not when you plan to do it. That will make it clear to her a couple of things

(1) you are not going to attempt to eat your guts out playing CIA operative daily

(2) she may be able to fool you for a short time but there is no doubt there will be no repeat of this betrayal because she will be caught.

 

I would also tell her that you will have divorce papers ready to hand her if she fails the truest or refuses to take it.

 

Any other action and she still has the upper power here since you are playing pick me and be a good girl.

 

I walked in on my wife in between two men but that pales to me versus what you have endured.

[Trtroles]

Your wife is taking a lot of time. Its been 3 weeks and only now she told you "some of the truth".

 

She gave you paswords of her facebook,mail and other stuff,but I can bet my life it is all EMPTY.

 

You do realize she is still in contact with her affair partner ? How about her friends who supported her during her affair !

 

Still no IC appointment. How long does it take to pick one ? Certainly not a 3 weeks.

 

How about STD test?

 

Did she offer polygraph ? Did she apologize to you,your family,her family... ?

 

She is not remorseful my man.

[Mrs. John Adams]

3 weeks in the scheme of things is nothing. I realize time drags by....but it can take months to get to all the answers....and years for her to show true remorse. It does not happen overnight...even as badly as the betrayed wants it to.

 

This woman did not confess...she was still in an affair...she is likely still mourning her affair partner.

 

BD....it doesn't matter what you feel for your children. Loving them more than you hate what she did is irrelavent. YOu have to love HER more than how much you hate what she did. Stop deflecting. This is not about the children. You will ALWAYS be their dad. But you do have a choice whether to remain her husband. YOu get to pick...yes or no. and divorcing or reconciling will not change the relationship you have with your children. Divorce may change your address....but it wont change who you are to them or who they are to you.

 

You might be surprised how those kids may actually choose divorce for you as well.

 

I do not think anyone expects a man to stay with a woman who has been cheating for 4 years. No one. As a matter of fact I think it would be quite remarkable if you truly can reconcile and forgive her.

 

I dont think "staying" for the kids however is the right reason to stay. No matter how you might argue that it will be emotionally better for the kids for their parents to stay together...if the atmosphere in the household is poisonous...they breath it in as well.

 

And if the kids are old enough...sometimes the judge gives them the choice of who they want to stay with. If you have been an outstanding father....and they understand what their mom has done...they may surprise her and choose you.

[Cephalopod]

This is why it is required for the BH to move his family far away from the

OM to prevent NC being broken and the affair restarting.

 

Why should he have to uproot his life, sell his house, upend his childrens' lives, and pay all the expenses of moving to a new location because of his wife's poor choices?

 

A change in geography won't make a difference because the problem is inside of her, and she is doomed to carry that problem with her everywhere she goes until she sorts it out and deals with it.

 

OP shouldn't have to change one single thing.

[drifter777]

I do understand that I'll never know the whole truth. At this point, I know that I love my kids more than I hate what she did. I'm still trying to figure out the rest and I agree that I still have not processed everything.

 

Of course you know that there's a wide grey area between what you know & believe now and the total, complete, unabashed truth that, as Mrs. JA told you, you will NEVER get. I think you will be satisfied if you look her in the eye after she reveals more to you and you know that she's being honest. You know that she's ashamed of everything to do with her cheating and having to put it into words for you is totally mortifying for her. You need to see her squirm to know that she truly is remorseful. I get this & I think most BS's here would agree that's its that shame WS feels, seeing them squirm, that helped them accept that WS was opening up and giving some of the very painful truth. For most of us this is absolutely necessary for true reconciliation. Blind faith ain't gonna do it now more. WS has to feel the sting of shame and BS has to see it to believe it.

 

I also understand the part of loving your kids more than hating her or what she did. This is another "me too" and is the biggest regret of my life. I was 25 years old and made the decision to stay based on my fear of the unknown and love for my young son. Not just love but a powerful devotion to helping him become his best self. Very primitive feelings. But I was wrong. My devotion was a guarantee that I would have been a great dad without having to live with his mother. Maybe that other path would have led to ruin in some other way, but at least I would have known that I freely chose to end a relationship with a cheater. I acted upon the strength of my convictions and my dedication to a higher moral standard than accepting a WW as a life partner. I created a complete vacuum in which to make my decisions by my steadfast refusal to share a word of this with anyone. My shame knew no bounds and, as much as anything, pushed me toward a horrible decision. Just consider all of this as you move forward. It honestly doesn't seem that your wife is doing anything more than placating you for the moment. I cannot see her resisting the powerful urge within her to solicit random ego kibbles from strangers and be more than willing to trade Internet naughtiness to get them.

[BluesPower]

I agree with almost everyone...

 

I think you are still in shock. I think you will be for a while.

 

Since your wife is reading this thread, I want to talk to her.

 

OP Wife, we both know that you are still in contact with your AP. We both know that you are not sexually attracted to your husband for whatever reason. And everyone knows that you do not love him and you have not for a while.

 

As selfish and horrible as you have been, why not set him free? You can see how much he is suffering, you can see how much pain he is in because of what you CHOSE to do to him. But over time he will heal faster if you are not his wife. He can reclaim some of his dignity.

 

Why can't you just give him an easy divorce and let him find someone that will love him. Isn't that the least you can do.

 

Oh, he will protest, he will tell you that is not what he wants, but we also know that he is weak. Too weak to kick you to the curb the way that you deserve.

 

Is it possible that you could just do one nice thing in your life and set your poor husband free? It may make you feel better about yourself a little.

 

OP, your wife will never be remorseful because she does not have it in her to do that. Deep in her heart she thinks she deserved the hot monkey sex that she got with the OM for 4 years. She makes excuses in her mind for him throwing her under that bus and she still loves him and not you.

 

Please file for divorce and try to move on with your life...

[BetrayedDad]

3 weeks in the scheme of things is nothing. I realize time drags by....but it can take months to get to all the answers....and years for her to show true remorse. It does not happen overnight...even as badly as the betrayed wants it to.

 

This woman did not confess...she was still in an affair...she is likely still mourning her affair partner.

 

BD....it doesn't matter what you feel for your children. Loving them more than you hate what she did is irrelavent. YOu have to love HER more than how much you hate what she did. Stop deflecting. This is not about the children. You will ALWAYS be their dad. But you do have a choice whether to remain her husband. YOu get to pick...yes or no. and divorcing or reconciling will not change the relationship you have with your children. Divorce may change your address....but it wont change who you are to them or who they are to you.

 

You might be surprised how those kids may actually choose divorce for you as well.

 

I do not think anyone expects a man to stay with a woman who has been cheating for 4 years. No one. As a matter of fact I think it would be quite remarkable if you truly can reconcile and forgive her.

 

I dont think "staying" for the kids however is the right reason to stay. No matter how you might argue that it will be emotionally better for the kids for their parents to stay together...if the atmosphere in the household is poisonous...they breath it in as well.

 

And if the kids are old enough...sometimes the judge gives them the choice of who they want to stay with. If you have been an outstanding father....and they understand what their mom has done...they may surprise her and choose you.

 

I think I'm starting to realize that she stopped loving me over the course of the past 4 years. She has said several times that she doesn't think this can be fixed and wants me to do what's best for me. The more I think about that, the more I think she really has stopped loving me and is almost encouraging me to divorce her...without coming right out and saying it. I wonder if her willingness to give our marriage a shot is just out of a combination of guilt, our kids, and comfort. I do believe she cares for me, but caring is not the same as love. I am so mixed up...I think I need a vacation to clear my head.

[aliveagain]

You do and that is why I have recommended you put some distance between the two of you. You deserve to feel the same zest for life she was experiencing during her affair. Unfortunately all you got was her part time self, the other man who deceived her into believing she was important to him got all the exciting fun parts. You can't lie and pretend to be in a relationship with someone for all those years then actually have to commit yourself to it when it all crashes around you. She is only pretending to be in life as your spouse, her heart is with the POS that cheats on women. There are millions of women that would kill to have a man like you in their life. Find someone that values you, you don't need this kind of drama in your life.

[BluesPower]

You do and that is why I have recommended you put some distance between the two of you. You deserve to feel the same zest for life she was experiencing during her affair. Unfortunately all you got was her part time self, the other man who deceived her into believing she was important to him got all the exciting fun parts. You can't lie and pretend to be in a relationship with someone for all those years then actually have to commit yourself to it when it all crashes around you. She is only pretending to be in life as your spouse, her heart is with the POS that cheats on women. There are millions of women that would kill to have a man like you in their life. Find someone that values you, you don't need this kind of drama in your life.

 

You are so right about this, BD, you really need to listen to AA's post.

 

I just wrote another post to your wife for the most part because I know you told her to read this thread.

 

Listen, brother, I am divorced and before that I was a cheater, no excuse but it is the truth.

 

I went through a ton of women between my cheating days and after my divorce. Too many to be honest, I kind of lost my mind. I also had multiple girls until recently. And I was cheated on by my wife and a bunch of other horrible stuff.

 

New GF, a wonder girl, said she would not have it. I just dumped them all and went with her. I did it because she loved me and that is what I needed. A woman that actually loved me for me. She knows about my past and she is OK with it as long as I stay in line, which I will.

 

I am telling you this so that you will understand, the a woman that truly loves you will change your life. She will take a chance on you. She will take care of you and let you take care of her. it is truly wonderful, nothing like my marriage, or any of the woman that I have been with.

 

You really need to find a woman that truly loves you, and it is not your current wife...

[Cephalopod]

I think I'm starting to realize that she stopped loving me over the course of the past 4 years. She has said several times that she doesn't think this can be fixed and wants me to do what's best for me. The more I think about that, the more I think she really has stopped loving me and is almost encouraging me to divorce her...without coming right out and saying it. I wonder if her willingness to give our marriage a shot is just out of a combination of guilt, our kids, and comfort. I do believe she cares for me, but caring is not the same as love. I am so mixed up...I think I need a vacation to clear my head.

 

 

 

She has both told you and shown you that she no longer loves you to the degree that a wife needs to love her husband.

 

 

When will you start believing it?

[William]

Some auto-moderated postings were approved so, thread starter, please read back an hour or two to get full content. Thanks!

[aliveagain]

You both have so much to think about. Things like your children being told the truth about your break up when they are old enough, they will ask and want to know why. How will she deal with another woman in your life raising her children and possibly blending families as she may have her own children or if she is young enough have another child with you. So much will be changed and I do not think she has actually thought some of these things through. She is too busy thinking about her selfish a$$ and loosing her boyfriend. Nothing you have posted says she is remorseful and can do the hard work to fix this. The onus is on her to prove she can, I don't think she is up for the challenge.

[Marc878]

I think I'm starting to realize that she stopped loving me over the course of the past 4 years. She has said several times that she doesn't think this can be fixed and wants me to do what's best for me. The more I think about that, the more I think she really has stopped loving me and is almost encouraging me to divorce her...without coming right out and saying it. I wonder if her willingness to give our marriage a shot is just out of a combination of guilt, our kids, and comfort. I do believe she cares for me, but caring is not the same as love. I am so mixed up...I think I need a vacation to clear my head.

 

Sounds like she wants out but needs you to do the dirty work. You are like a lot of BS's livings on any sliver of hope. I suspect you'll wallow in this for awhile unless you can come to the reality of where you're at.

 

My cousins wife has cheated on him @ 6 times. He used to get angry, threaten but always stayed. It's amazing what some people will put up with. A lot just stay together even though the marriage is long gone.

 

Is this what you really want?

[Marc878]

Not sure if you said but who is the AP? Co worker, neighbor?

 

You understand if they have contact it'll continue.

[Bufo]

Do not let the perfect become the enemy of the good. If the judge never gives a man more than 50% custody, and your lawyer tells you you won't do better than that, maybe you should listen to them.

 

Rescind the extra support, insurance and child care offer. WW will have a perfect memory for the concessions but won't remember he quid pro quo of additional custody time,for you.

 

If she screws up, custody is modifiable.

 

The extra 10% makes it look like you are trying to win the game. How much better off will kids be if you have an additional 10% custody. And your answer to this judicial question better start with

[Zona]

I am telling you this so that you will understand, the a woman that truly loves you will change your life. She will take a chance on you. She will take care of you and let you take care of her. it is truly wonderful, nothing like my marriage, or any of the woman that I have been with.

 

You really need to find a woman that truly loves you, and it is not your current wife...

 

What he said.

[Bufo]

Better not start with I. (Sorry, the damned thing jammed).

 

The lodestar is "best interests of the child". Don't forget that. You better know the teacher's name and have attended a conference or two. Ditto for pediatrician. Grandparent access. Care plan for your work hours. The fight is child focused, not an opportunity to trash the soon to be X.

 

Which brings me to my final point. Money. Child custody disputes aren't cheap. Lawyers and psychological witnesses cost money. Is that 10% worth it? No guarantees of victory either.

[whichwayisup]

I think I'm starting to realize that she stopped loving me over the course of the past 4 years. She has said several times that she doesn't think this can be fixed and wants me to do what's best for me. The more I think about that, the more I think she really has stopped loving me and is almost encouraging me to divorce her...without coming right out and saying it. I wonder if her willingness to give our marriage a shot is just out of a combination of guilt, our kids, and comfort. I do believe she cares for me, but caring is not the same as love. I am so mixed up...I think I need a vacation to clear my head.

 

I think she doesn't want to lose the comforts of home, the lifestyle, the house, the family unit as one living under one roof. All that has nothing to do with love and being a good wife, or being truly happy. This is about her comfort level and how desperate she is to hold onto her marriage or does she have it in her to be the one to file and divorce. To be the best co parent to her kids and get along well enough with her (soon to be ex) husband for the kids sake.

 

I believe she cares for you and loves you but the excitement, the passion, sexual attractions and feelings of being "in love" isn't there. Partially because she invested in another man for four years and partially because she she didn't invest that in you (before the affair). Chances are she detached emotionally or wasn't too sexually attracted to you before the A which actually made her ripe to have an affair, or at best be open to someone else on an emotional level.

[Friskyone4u]

BD,

 

If you read a book called "Not Just Friends" or others you will discover that reconciliation chances are much reduced when it is the woman who is the cheater because the majority of women are checked out of the marriage for some reason before the sex even begins.

And the percentages include affairs of all length. In your case she was checked out emotionally for years, and just as has been said she is in "like" with you, her family life, and her creature comforts.

 

But after four years of daily betrayal if she says she loves you she is an even worse liar than it appears.

[BetrayedDad]

So last night we talked about proceeding with mediation. Today, I decided to keep Monday's appointment as a consultation instead of switching it to starting the divorce paperwork. Then, this evening I noticed she was not wearing her wedding ring. I removed mine a year ago because I just knew she was up to no good and I gave it back to her a week or two ago after she told me about her affair. I told her I couldn't wear it because she gave it to me as a sign of her "love and fidelity". I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she has removed her ring, but I never cheated on her and we are still married...I feel like a hypocrite, but it bothers me to see that she has removed her ring. I feel like she is giving up too easily.