17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Did you mention to her the lack of a ring on her finger?

[HereNorThere]

So last night we talked about proceeding with mediation. Today, I decided to keep Monday's appointment as a consultation instead of switching it to starting the divorce paperwork. Then, this evening I noticed she was not wearing her wedding ring. I removed mine a year ago because I just knew she was up to no good and I gave it back to her a week or two ago after she told me about her affair. I told her I couldn't wear it because she gave it to me as a sign of her "love and fidelity". I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she has removed her ring, but I never cheated on her and we are still married...I feel like a hypocrite, but it bothers me to see that she has removed her ring. I feel like she is giving up too easily.

 

 

Well, she figures that if you aren't going to pay for her and watch the kids while she's out screwing other guys, there's another sucker out there that will. Hey man, she's got bills to pay. Being a single a mother isn't cheap. She might as well start advertising now because she's going to be a hard sell on the open market.

 

And yeah, it does just go to show that she bled you dry until she couldn't anymore. Now it's on to finding another victim. Poor guy is probably sitting in an old folk's home right now just waiting to spend his deceased wife's life insurance policy on her. Tell the kids to hold for out for new iPhone 8s in September.

[Marc878]

So last night we talked about proceeding with mediation. Today, I decided to keep Monday's appointment as a consultation instead of switching it to starting the divorce paperwork. Then, this evening I noticed she was not wearing her wedding ring. I removed mine a year ago because I just knew she was up to no good and I gave it back to her a week or two ago after she told me about her affair. I told her I couldn't wear it because she gave it to me as a sign of her "love and fidelity". I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she has removed her ring, but I never cheated on her and we are still married...I feel like a hypocrite, but it bothers me to see that she has removed her ring. I feel like she is giving up too easily.

 

My friend the marriage hasn't meant much to her for awhile or she wouldn't have had a 4 year affair. You are projecting your feelings of love onto her but that's not what she feels for you.

 

I think you are seeing the true her. Obviously you want to try and R like most but what do you have to work with?

 

If she truly wants to try you'll know. Right now she's not R material. Youre only other option at this time is to rug sweep and just live with it and take what she wants to give you.

 

D takes awhile. Let it play out. It's your timeline. No one else's.

[Marc878]

Who is the AP, coworker, neighbor, etc?

[BetrayedDad]

Who is the AP, coworker, neighbor, etc?

 

Neighbor...lives about 4 or 5 miles away.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Neighbor...lives about 4 or 5 miles away.

 

How did they meet?

[BetrayedDad]

Did you mention to her the lack of a ring on her finger?

 

No, we were at our younger son's little league game when I noticed it and our 10yr old was sitting between us so I didn't want to say anything. I motioned to her but she didn't understand what I was trying to point out. We haven't been alone yet to talk about it, but at this point, she'll probably end up reading this post first anyway. She hates that I post here, but I have nobody to vent to and I appreciate the feedback I receive here.

[BetrayedDad]

How did they meet?

 

Local bike group when she started training for an Ironman triathlon.

[Marc878]

Neighbor...lives about 4 or 5 miles away.

 

Wow, that's gonna be hard on you to live around. Plus in a huge amount of cases any contact reignites the affair if it ever ended.

 

Affairs are addicting. You get the addict around the source it's relapse.

 

I'm assuming they were in your home together, etc. that's usually the case.

 

Carried out when you were at work, etc. Did his wife suspect at all?

 

Sorry man, you are in a very tough spot.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Local bike group when she started training for an Ironman triathlon.

 

Are they both still a part of that group, or any group, together?

[Marc878]

An important thing. Do not lie to your kids. They are smarter than you think.

 

Kids many times blame themselves for what happens. Do not let that happen.

 

They are old enough to be told in a sanitized way.

 

Ex: when you're married you can't have a BF or GF.

 

Your mom has/had a BF. I'd tell them who as well.

 

Good luck to you. You're going to need it.

 

Kids learn from their parents. you don't want your son growing up to accept being treated badly by his wife and you don't want your daughter to think she can treat her husband poorly.

 

A lot to consider.

 

The truth fixes a lot of things. Never discount honesty!!!!

[BetrayedDad]

Wow, that's gonna be hard on you to live around. Plus in a huge amount of cases any contact reignites the affair if it ever ended.

 

Affairs are addicting. You get the addict around the source it's relapse.

 

I'm assuming they were in your home together, etc. that's usually the case.

 

Carried out when you were at work, etc. Did his wife suspect at all?

 

Sorry man, you are in a very tough spot.

 

Yeah, she finally admitted that he was in our house, but insists never in our bedroom...before you say it, I know, I know.

 

Anyway, I was told he was caught cheating once before with someone else and I guess his wife suspected he was cheating again at one point over the years which apparently caused them (him & my wife) to stop for 6 months or maybe longer, but they eventually got back together. After D-day (a few weeks ago), my wife and I both told his wife but it looks like they are staying together...I heard they are getting a puppy in a couple weeks. Go figure.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yeah, she finally admitted that he was in our house, but insists never in our bedroom...before you say it, I know, I know.

 

Anyway, I was told he was caught cheating once before with someone else and I guess his wife suspected he was cheating again at one point over the years which apparently caused them (him & my wife) to stop for 6 months or maybe longer, but they eventually got back together. After D-day (a few weeks ago), my wife and I both told his wife but it looks like they are staying together...I heard they are getting a puppy in a couple weeks. Go figure.

 

 

Just curious, are they a wealthy couple? Does she work?

[Marc878]

Yeah, she finally admitted that he was in our house, but insists never in our bedroom...before you say it, I know, I know.

 

Anyway, I was told he was caught cheating once before with someone else and I guess his wife suspected he was cheating again at one point over the years which apparently caused them (him & my wife) to stop for 6 months or maybe longer, but they eventually got back together. After D-day (a few weeks ago), my wife and I both told his wife but it looks like they are staying together...I heard they are getting a puppy in a couple weeks. Go figure.

 

As you see the addiction of an affair trumps everything. Beware.

 

I hate to say it but desecrating the marital bed does have a certain thrill for cheaters. Happens more often than not. Sorry but you do need the truth.

[HereNorThere]

You never know what OM's wife is going to do long term. Eventually he gets caught with your wife again and it may just be at a point where she can screw him over hard in the divorce. Keep in mind, the posters on here have pretty much called every tactic she used, warned you about the trickle truth, etc. We aren't wrong when we tell you, she will see him again. They have unfinished business and neither will be content until it's finished. It wouldn't surprise me if they aren't still in contact. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if OM wasn't reading right now just to see how much you uncover. He definitely knows you're posting.

 

I do think OM's wife is a great example of what happens if you stay. Like her, you'll just have to accept the affairs. And if you're lucky, she'll get you a puppy the next time she cheats on you.

 

I guess that's one way to provide you with some loyalty. Surely you're worth more than that.

[Marc878]

Yeah, she finally admitted that he was in our house, but insists never in our bedroom...before you say it, I know, I know.

 

Anyway, I was told he was caught cheating once before with someone else and I guess his wife suspected he was cheating again at one point over the years which apparently caused them (him & my wife) to stop for 6 months or maybe longer, but they eventually got back together. After D-day (a few weeks ago), my wife and I both told his wife but it looks like they are staying together...I heard they are getting a puppy in a couple weeks. Go figure.

 

He's a serial cheater and his wife is a doormat who will stay no matter what.

 

No need to revisit that you've done what you needed to. Good job on that.

[Marc878]

I can't believe I'm here. I'm 44, wife is 42, we have 2 kids (8 and 10), married 17 years and just found out she had a 3-year affair which started 4 years ago. D-Day was 5 days ago. I'm sorry this post turned out longer than I'd like but here goes...

 

I had that off feeling for years and just knew something was up...the most obvious sign was her extreme phone guarding. Last year I bought the book "Not Just Friends", confronted her after checking our phone records and finding weekly texts to her AP, and she said nothing was going on. I asked her to read the book with hopes that it hadn't turned physical. She only read about half of the book. She never admitted that she was even in an EA and she said that I was insecure. It turns out she was already 3 years into the affair at that time (but still insisted nothing was going on).

 

Lies

 

So I spent the next year trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I essentially had no proof, but was so certain that I finally just asked her to have a difficult conversation and to be brutally honest about her relationship with her AP. She tried to deflect my question a few times but finally admitted to the affair. Unfortunately, she only finally admitted to it because I didn't back down and she thought I must have found something on her phone or computer.

 

She insists that she ended the affair a year ago, a year and a half ago, no 2 years ago. I do believe that she tried to end the affair but from what she says she also tried to end it a few times over the 3 years...or was it only 2 years. The details have changed a couple times over the past few days. In fairness, I do believe she has been trying to end it, but I also believe she has strong feelings for him.

 

Lies

 

To her credit, she has given me a fair amount of details and answered several of my questions, but I know she is holding back and not being 100% truthful...the sex was bad, he was a bad kisser, small you know what, etc. I believe the real reason she might have ended it a year ago is because she was getting beyond the purely physical phase and realized that he was just using her. He is also married with children. She wanted to point out that she was the one to end it but later said she ended it because he was mean to her. I wish she ended it because it was wrong, instead of because their devious relationship was simply running its course.

 

Real big lies. You don't carry on for that long. Besides affair sex is sex on steroids

 

She says that she doesn't know why she did it, but that she was not happy in our marriage. She implied that I played a part in causing her to cheat, but I would not accept that. I told her I haven't been happy for the last 4 years, but I didn't go out and cheat on her...I have been 100% faithful throughout our 17 years of marriage, but I'm far from perfect and did kiss another girl one night when I was drinking back when we were dating almost 20 years ago. I felt ashamed and told her about it the very next day. She was upset but forgave me way back then. I was grateful for her forgiveness. I would however argue that that pales in comparison to carrying on a 3-year sex filled affair on your husband with years of denial.

 

More lies. She did it because she wanted to. All the planning and hiding, etc

 

Her initial response on D-Day was that she was not happy and wanted a divorce, but her mind seemed to go back and forth. I don't think it sunk in to her until I told her that I was going to call and schedule an appointment with a divorce attorney. Then after I notified her AP's spouse, the reality of the situation seemed to hit her like a ton of bricks. She says she does not want a divorce and hopes that I can forgive her. I hope so too, but I'm not ready yet. I'm struggling with my next move. I love her with all my heart. I can't stand to see her cry. I try to tell myself to forgive and forget...life is too short to be unforgiving to someone you love so much. But the next moment I think of those 3 years and all the things we did together during all that time...the vacations, holidays, all the times she sat in the same room with me while texting dirty messages to him, the nights she came home and kissed me goodnight...or fooled around...I can't bare to think of that. Then I realize she started the affair when our kids were only 4 and 6...

 

Yep, lie, hide and deny

 

I have notified her AP's spouse, scheduled an appointment with a divorce attorney (this Friday), and asked her to read the thread "Things that every wayward spouse needs to know". I read it too and it is spot on...I'm a total mess, can't eat, can't sleep, my thoughts of staying or leaving change with the wind. I haven't cried once in 7 years since my father died and now I've been crying at some point every stinking day. I feel like an emotional basket case. I still love her so much and can't bare the thought of breaking up our family and risk having another man share the role of fathering my kids (my wife is fit and attractive so I'm sure my replacement wouldn't take long to find). Then 5 minutes later, I wonder how could I stay with a woman that would do this to me...for 3 years! Who is she? She can look me straight in the eye and lie to me without a blink, twitch, or quick glance away. It would be much easier for me to forgive a ONS that happened years ago, but a 3-year affair is more than just a "mistake". It years of calculated planning, hurtful deceit, and just plain evil.

 

If you made it this far, thank you. I know there are many posts similar to mine, but would greatly appreciate any words of advice, encouragement, and support. I have no idea what to ask the attorney during the consultation, but will search for some threads when I have time. I have done a little searching for marriage counseling but haven't found much yet. I can't talk to anyone locally and hate that I am resorting to posting here, but this is the ***** sandwich I'm eating right now.

 

Now that you've been here awhile take a look back at your original post.

 

Can you see it now?

[Furious]

No, we were at our younger son's little league game when I noticed it and our 10yr old was sitting between us so I didn't want to say anything. I motioned to her but she didn't understand what I was trying to point out. We haven't been alone yet to talk about it, but at this point, she'll probably end up reading this post first anyway.

 

She hates that I post here, but I have nobody to vent to and I appreciate the feedback I receive here.

 

She took off her wedding band to hurt you, she hates that you post here because it threatens her control over the comments about her. It's all about her and not about you getting support here.

 

The wedding band meant nothing to her and taking it off now is to belittle you.

 

Your kids are old enough to notice she's not wearing her wedding band, seems she doesn't think about how that would affect them. Kids notice and hear far more than adults give them credit for.

[mercy]

She hates that I post here, but I have nobody to vent to and I appreciate the feedback I receive here.

 

She does understand the irony of that, right?

 

 

You continue to do what's best for you.

[Friskyone4u]

BD,

 

Taking off her wedding ring is nothing more than an attempt at mental intimidation with the intent of turning up the screws on you. For years, she wore her ring while having a sex fest with OM.

 

Now she knows you are teetering on the verge of blowing up her comfy world so at a time that she is supposed to be slobbering all over you begging for forgiveness, she ditches her wedding ring.

 

And this OM lives two minutes drive from your house. For heavens sake, you need to restore the divorce start. It will not happen immediately but she will know the ring crap did not work. Who in their right mind takes off their ring at a time she is supposedly trying to help you get over this.

 

And she is not unique. Most serial cheaters do not like reading a fourm their BS is on because she is being called out vin a way you are not doing.

[Marc878]

BD,

 

Taking off her wedding ring is nothing more than an attempt at mental intimidation with the intent of turning up the screws on you. For years, she wore her ring while having a sex fest with OM.

 

Now she knows you are teetering on the verge of blowing up her comfy world so at a time that she is supposed to be slobbering all over you begging for forgiveness, she ditches her wedding ring.

 

And this OM lives two minutes drive from your house. For heavens sake, you need to restore the divorce start. It will not happen immediately but she will know the ring crap did not work. Who in their right mind takes off their ring at a time she is supposedly trying to help you get over this.

 

And she is not unique. Most serial cheaters do not like reading a fourm their BS is on because she is being called out vin a way you are not doing.

 

They don't!!!

[Lost2574]

The 'wayward spouse' here.

 

Yes I have read all your replies. Those to his side of the story and without any of you knowing a shred about me. I cannot put into words how incredibly hurtful it has been to see this. My self esteem is absolutely shattered.

 

To those who said I need to 'get a job':

 

I'm a full time RN in the EP lab at a big cardiac hospital. Google it if you don't know what that means. To say it's high stress is putting it mildly. I regularly don't get a lunch break until 2pm. Yes I was per diem for many years but that was a decision we both made so that I could be home with them while they were young. I have never been unemployed.

 

To those who say I don't care about my kids:

 

I love them more than anything and I would die for them. Breastfeeding with my second was a significant struggle but I refused to give up because I knew it was best. You have no idea how sleep deprived I was, but I wanted the best for my son. I toughed it out and he was never fed formula. I nursed him until he was 14 months old. I cooked majority of the meals, did the laundry, house cleaning, paid all the bills. I kept up with all their school obligations as best as I could.

 

To those who say it isn't my first rodeo:

 

It was and it will be my last. No matter the outcome of our future I will never do this again. It's not worth it.

 

To those who say I'm still in contact with the AP:

 

There has been zero contact and I ended the physical affair several months ago. I have zero desire to ever talk to him again. Because we live close by I have made a conscious effort to avoid running into him again. So far I've been successful. My husband has full access to my phone, iPad, social media, etc. I am not hiding anything anymore.

 

I made multiple attempts to contact a psychologist. After calls and emails I was told by two local therapists that they were 'sorry' but they were all booked up. A year ago I mentioned to my husband I wanted marital counseling but he declined. In my job I can only imagine the ramifications if we told a patient 'sorry you can't get a pacemaker today' or 'I'm sorry we are all out of implanted defibrillators so can you just stop having your runs of ventricular tachycardia?' I realize that the two situations are not the same but the frustration is equal.

 

I took off my wedding ring last night because I felt that he had given up. I went to work without wearing it for the first time ever today. I felt naked without it. This afternoon he messaged me that he had finally found a counselor. I called her right away and made an appt. I know I have personal issues and I have honestly had suicidal thoughts at times. The things you guys have said here about someone you have never met have been extremely hurtful. I actually cut my arm last week. That's how much I hate what I have done to my husband and my family.

 

Despite what all of you think, I love my husband. He didn't deserve any of the hurt I caused. I own that and will for the rest of my life. He is a wonderful father to our boys. I don't know what our future holds at this point. My plan is to make the right choices going forward and hope that God will forgive me. And to be the best mom I can be for my kids.

 

To all of you....I don't think you realize the impact your words can have on someone. Or how inaccessible mental health counseling can be. I now know after the struggle trying to get counseling. Please keep in mind in future posts the impact your words might have on someone who is struggling. There are always 2 sides to every story. I am not at all condoning my choice. I understand most of you were on the receiving end and none of you deserved it. I do believe that everyone deserves a second chance though. Good people make bad choices. I will pay th price of mine forever.

 

I will not come back to this forum again. The only reason I know about it is that my husband shared his post with me. I can only imagine the replies that my post will get and honestly my heart can't take it. I wish the best to all of you as I understand you wouldn't be here unless you have experienced your own heartache. Regards, the wayward spouse.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It was very brave of your wife to post that. I really do not understand why the counseling was so hard to book, but then again I have no clue where you live. That is a shame, but glad you found someone.

[BluesPower]

Yes i am sure that you don't have the courage to read the replies that you are going to get.

 

How dare you.

 

You had a 3-4 year affair. OMG. And you have been intimidating and trickle truthing your husband the whole time.

 

Taking your ring off was a pure act of intimidation, You know that your husband is a weak man, especially after what you have done.

 

Why not file yourself and let him go. You never deserved him and he sure does not deserve to be married to you.

[Marc878]

The 'wayward spouse' here.

 

Yes I have read all your replies. Those to his side of the story and without any of you knowing a shred about me. I cannot put into words how incredibly hurtful it has been to see this. My self esteem is absolutely shattered.

 

To those who said I need to 'get a job':

 

I'm a full time RN in the EP lab at a big cardiac hospital. Google it if you don't know what that means. To say it's high stress is putting it mildly. I regularly don't get a lunch break until 2pm. Yes I was per diem for many years but that was a decision we both made so that I could be home with them while they were young. I have never been unemployed.

 

To those who say I don't care about my kids:

 

I love them more than anything and I would die for them. Breastfeeding with my second was a significant struggle but I refused to give up because I knew it was best. You have no idea how sleep deprived I was, but I wanted the best for my son. I toughed it out and he was never fed formula. I nursed him until he was 14 months old. I cooked majority of the meals, did the laundry, house cleaning, paid all the bills. I kept up with all their school obligations as best as I could.

 

To those who say it isn't my first rodeo:

 

It was and it will be my last. No matter the outcome of our future I will never do this again. It's not worth it.

 

To those who say I'm still in contact with the AP:

 

There has been zero contact and I ended the physical affair several months ago. I have zero desire to ever talk to him again. Because we live close by I have made a conscious effort to avoid running into him again. So far I've been successful. My husband has full access to my phone, iPad, social media, etc. I am not hiding anything anymore.

 

I made multiple attempts to contact a psychologist. After calls and emails I was told by two local therapists that they were 'sorry' but they were all booked up. A year ago I mentioned to my husband I wanted marital counseling but he declined. In my job I can only imagine the ramifications if we told a patient 'sorry you can't get a pacemaker today' or 'I'm sorry we are all out of implanted defibrillators so can you just stop having your runs of ventricular tachycardia?' I realize that the two situations are not the same but the frustration is equal.

 

A year ago? Why not 4 years ago?

 

I took off my wedding ring last night because I felt that he had given up. I went to work without wearing it for the first time ever today. I felt naked without it. This afternoon he messaged me that he had finally found a counselor. I called her right away and made an appt. I know I have personal issues and I have honestly had suicidal thoughts at times. The things you guys have said here about someone you have never met have been extremely hurtful. I actually cut my arm last week. That's how much I hate what I have done to my husband and my family.

 

After a 4 year affair you took your ring off because you thought he'd given up after two weeks? Doesn't wash, sorry

 

Despite what all of you think, I love my husband. He didn't deserve any of the hurt I caused. I own that and will for the rest of my life. He is a wonderful father to our boys. I don't know what our future holds at this point. My plan is to make the right choices going forward and hope that God will forgive me. And to be the best mom I can be for my kids.

 

To all of you....I don't think you realize the impact your words can have on someone. Or how inaccessible mental health counseling can be. I now know after the struggle trying to get counseling. Please keep in mind in future posts the impact your words might have on someone who is struggling. There are always 2 sides to every story. I am not at all condoning my choice. I understand most of you were on the receiving end and none of you deserved it. I do believe that everyone deserves a second chance though. Good people make bad choices. I will pay th price of mine forever.

 

Do you realize what your actions have caused? A lot more hurt than our words ever could

 

I will not come back to this forum again. The only reason I know about it is that my husband shared his post with me. I can only imagine the replies that my post will get and honestly my heart can't take it. I wish the best to all of you as I understand you wouldn't be here unless you have experienced your own heartache. Regards, the wayward spouse.

 

Im sorry but your post wreaks of playing the poor victim card. It's all about you and how you feel.

 

Like most in your position you can't comprehend what you've done because you aren't on the receiving end of this.

 

Your words at this time won't matter much. It's your long term actions that will count.