17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[GoldenR]

Ì

The forum is way too keen to use their buzzwords sometimes.

 

She can't 'gaslight' us because we weren't there to begin with. She can't tell us that our own memories and experiences aren't true, because we don't have our own memories and experiences. She certainly can't abuse her power over us to manipulate us and make us feel that we are crazy, because she does not HAVE power over us.

 

She can claim that we're wrong about everything. Telling us, who were not there, that we are wrong is not the same as gaslighting us, that is not what gaslighting means.

 

Now, she might be lying through her teeth, she might be making up a version of events that sounds more flattering to her, she might be mentally rewriting history and believing everything she says even though it's completely crazy, we certainly wouldn't know.

 

Honestly she could make a better case that the forum is trying to gaslight her, by ganging up on her and telling her that she's a crazy liar and that the events which SHE personally experienced are not real.

 

I think everyone here knows what reboot meant. And while "gaslighting" may not have been the correct word to use, "justify" is. Her entire post is about justifying what she did and explaining why she should be taken serious in the R

 

- she has a good job, it's high stress, she works a lot of hours before she gets a lunch. She's always helped provide for the family

 

- she loves her kids and breastfed them even though she was tired. She cooks and cleans too. And she even helped out with the kids schoolwork.

 

- it was the only affair she ever had, never had one before and never will again (wouldn't you have said that before this one?)

 

- she really wanted to start counseling, but just couldn't find one that would take her. Even though as soon as she gave up looking, H found one. Oh...and she was reeeeally frustrated about not finding one.

 

- it was her H's fault that she took off her ring.

 

- she feels so horrible about what she did, that she has suicida thoughts and even cut herself (this is located in the cheater's handbook, Chapter 7: Manipulation)

 

- despite the 4 year A, she really loves her H. He's a great dad (= plan B)

 

- we don't know her side of the story so we shouldn't make judgments. Bc, you know, her side would totally make us all say, "ooohhhh, we now understand why you did it. Your H is a meanie for not understanding"

 

- and everyone deserves a second chance no matter what they did.

 

 

And what was missing from her post? Everything...everything that should have been there but wasn't....her entire post is about her, her, her. Lost2574, check ruinedmylove's posts. Hers have everything in them that yours don't, that yours should.

 

While I wasn't expecting true remorse yet, I didn't even see regret.

Edited June 9, 2017 by GoldenR

[HereNorThere]

The forum is way too keen to use their buzzwords sometimes.

 

She can't 'gaslight' us because we weren't there to begin with. She can't tell us that our own memories and experiences aren't true, because we don't have our own memories and experiences. She certainly can't abuse her power over us to manipulate us and make us feel that we are crazy, because she does not HAVE power over us.

 

She can claim that we're wrong about everything. Telling us, who were not there, that we are wrong is not the same as gaslighting us, that is not what gaslighting means.

 

Now, she might be lying through her teeth, she might be making up a version of events that sounds more flattering to her, she might be mentally rewriting history and believing everything she says even though it's completely crazy, we certainly wouldn't know.

 

Honestly she could make a better case that the forum is trying to gaslight her, by ganging up on her and telling her that she's a crazy liar and that the events which SHE personally experienced are not real.

 

gas·light

verb

gerund or present participle: gaslighting

manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.

 

From https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a group, hoping to make targets question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target's belief. Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

 

I don't think the definition is as rigid as you are making it out to be. When she tries to lead us into believing something despite massive amounts of contradictory evidence, she's gaslighting us.

[usa1ah]

No need to commit on her being a SAHM. Many women have and have breastfed just like my wife. If you needed help or more help from your husband you should have asked for it like my wife did. I worked two jobs at the time and still got up to help at night.

 

All I heard for your wife was me me me. I did this I did that. She never gave her side of the story. Just blame shifting by what she posted.

 

She is not willing to fight also she doesn't love you. The wedding band would have never come off if she did. Going back to, it's not my fault.

 

****************************************************************Now with the suicidal thoughts and the cutting she has admitted to here. You need to let her employer know this. Get her help now. In her line of work it can have major ramifications if left unheeded. She needs help now. ****************************************************************

[Mrs. John Adams]

It does make me wonder if this wayward was a wife and mom and nurse... and was not involved in an affair for all those years...

 

Would her stress level and fatigue been as severe?

 

I mean.. trying to juggle one household and a job is tough enough... but add in a lover for 4 years... it has to begin to take its toll. I can imagine how hard it must be to juggle all of that at the same time

[Zona]

 

Now with the suicidal thoughts and the cutting she has admitted to here. You need to let her employer know this.

 

No way. My wife works with a lot of nurses, and the nursing board is ruthless. If they ever catch wind of this, her career could be ruined.

 

Get help yes, but keep her employer out of it for now. She can take some FMLA time away from work if she needs to get her head straight.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No way. My wife works with a lot of nurses, and the nursing board is ruthless. If they ever catch wind of this, her career could be ruined.

 

Get help yes, but keep her employer out of it for now. She can take some FMLA time away from work if she needs to get her head straight.

 

I agree. Her kids and her husband are going to need her to have that income if they split.

[Mrs. John Adams]

No way. My wife works with a lot of nurses, and the nursing board is ruthless. If they ever catch wind of this, her career could be ruined.

 

Get help yes, but keep her employer out of it for now. She can take some FMLA time away from work if she needs to get her head straight.

 

So it is ok then to allow a self proclaimed suicidal self cutting woman to remain employed as a cardiac nurse taking care of your mom or dad? Uh... I don't think so

[Cephalopod]

From reading her post I do not sense any love for her husband at all. She may say she loves him, but her attitude speaks otherwise.

 

And, by the way, cutting oneself is one of the hallmarks of Borderline Personality Disorder. Just saying...

[Zona]

So it is ok then to allow a self proclaimed suicidal self cutting woman to remain employed as a cardiac nurse taking care of your mom or dad? Uh... I don't think so

 

That's why she should take some FMLA time away. In all honesty, it's probably a manipulation tactic to try to get sympathy.

 

I'm sure her work is suffering, but there are better ways to deal with it. If the nursing board suspends her license, she could go through hell trying to get it back. She still has kids to raise.

[Mrs. John Adams]

That's why she should take some FMLA time away. In all honesty, it's probably a manipulation tactic to try to get sympathy.

 

I'm sure her work is suffering, but there are better ways to deal with it. If the nursing board suspends her license, she could go through hell trying to get it back. She still has kids to raise.

 

Ok and she has not done that has she? So how much time do you allow her to make that decision? Before you report her?

 

And what happens meanwhile as we wait on her to make the decision to take leave?

 

You know... I am an optimist... I generally like to think people are basically good

 

But sometimes I scratch my head in disbelief

[aliveagain]

Lost2574, I have spent the last 21 years of my life developing and perfecting medical devices that protect the lives of nurses. I respect them for what they do. Coming here and posting on your husbands thread was very brave and the most honest thing I have seen you do to date.

 

You may be the most professional RN and best in your field, you certainly have shown you can be an amazing mother(in many, many ways) and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that you love your children, your just a sh*tty wife. Your husband has a hard time talking to you about your secret life, he can't trust you for the truth because you lie, deceive him, lie some more, trickle truth him to the point of going crazy and treated him like an outcast in his own marriage. You risked his life, your the one having unprotected porn star sex with some predator you pursued. The rings no longer honour what you represented to your husband, they are just jewellery now, just my opinion. One day you will see what many of us see. Will you take a polygraph proving to your husband he knows all the truth, will you give him a postnuptial agreement that gives him most of the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity? How would you go about feeling safe if you were married to someone like you?

[GoldenR]

That's why she should take some FMLA time away. In all honesty, it's probably a manipulation tactic to try to get sympathy.

 

I'm sure her work is suffering, but there are better ways to deal with it. If the nursing board suspends her license, she could go through hell trying to get it back. She still has kids to raise.

 

Zona...I find myself questioning the sincerity of your posts. From defending Zombiehead's wife, to suggesting this OP look the other way while his troubled, self cutting, social thought having wife, cares for others. Are you simply looking for reactions to your posts?

[Friskyone4u]

Lost2574, I have spent the last 21 years of my life developing and perfecting medical devices that protect the lives of nurses. I respect them for what they do. Coming here and posting on your husbands thread was very brave and the most honest thing I have seen you do to date.

 

You may be the most professional RN and best in your field, you certainly have shown you can be an amazing mother(in many, many ways) and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that you love your children, your just a sh*tty wife. Your husband has a hard time talking to you about your secret life, he can't trust you for the truth because you lie, deceive him, lie some more, trickle truth him to the point of going crazy and treated him like an outcast in his own marriage. You risked his life, your the one having unprotected porn star sex with some predator you pursued. The rings no longer honour what you represented to your husband, they are just jewellery now, just my opinion. One day you will see what many of us see. Will you take a polygraph proving to your husband he knows all the truth, will you give him a postnuptial agreement that gives him most of the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity? How would you go about feeling safe if you were married to someone like you?

 

She will never answer the questions you asked and you can bet your ass she will not be offering any post nup. And my money says if he is smart and demands a polygraph test she will walk out before submitting to it. And it won't be ;long before transparency will become burdensome to her and OP will be called controlling.

After all, OM lives five minutes away. He should just trust her

[Zona]

Zona...I find myself questioning the sincerity of your posts. From defending Zombiehead's wife, to suggesting this OP look the other way while his troubled, self cutting, social thought having wife, cares for others. Are you simply looking for reactions to your posts?

 

Good people will disagree. If you disagree fine, but no point questioning my sincerity. I suspect there is zero chance the OP will take the bad advice of reporting his wife to her employer in any case.

 

There is a reason that this forum is looked upon by some as "militant", and this bad advice is an example of it.

 

Having said that, most of the advice IS excellent. Just some outliers here and there.

[WilyWill]

From her post, I see a woman who would do anything for her children's well-being and happiness...

 

...anything but honor her simple marriage vows, of course.

[GoldenR]

Good people will disagree. If you disagree fine, but no point questioning my sincerity. I suspect there is zero chance the OP will take the bad advice of reporting his wife to her employer in any case.

 

There is a reason that this forum is looked upon by some as "militant", and this bad advice is an example of it.

 

Having said that, most of the advice IS excellent. Just some outliers here and there.

 

And if she was caring for your mom, knowing what you know, you'd be ok with that?

[Furious]

 

I feel like this nightmare is starting to slowly sink in and feel real. I found myself a little less emotional today than I was yesterday and look forward to getting through one full day without crying.

 

I still have no appetite and have trouble sleeping, but I am exercising. I find my most clear moments when I go for a run. D-Day was Thursday, I ran 15 miles Sunday morning, and notified her AP's spouse within a couple hours of finishing that run.

 

I ran 7 miles today and was thinking of all the positive things about myself...I'm in pretty good shape (completed 2 full Ironman triathlons and a handful of marathons), look young for my age (I still get carded), make 6 figures, coached my son's t-ball team, was my other son's Cub Scout den leader, I'm a volunteer firefighter.

 

I can't stop asking myself why I wasn't good enough. What did I do that was so bad to push her to cheat and continue for 3 years? I know there is no excuse for her cheating, but it's hard not to look in the mirror and ask why.

 

 

BD

 

I went back to read your thread and the above quote stood out.

 

You seem like an amazing man and father. A hard worker, fit and athletic, a Tball coach, scout den leader and a volunteer fireman. Just amazing and you question your worth. Your wife was a lucky woman and to throw away someone like you for a side piece is mind boggling.

 

Not only are you a quality man, you've been consoling your wife even after all she's done to you.

 

Your wife is not ok, her angry and defensive post is troubling to say the least. She has really done a job on your esteem.

 

I have to wonder if the kindest thing and most generous thing she could do now is to set you free.

 

You're worth more than having to live with the 3-4 years of her affair and at least another 4-5 years that reconciliation could take. That's nearly a decade robbed from your life and I dread the price and toll it will take on you.

 

Please put yourself first at this time.

[Trtroles]

Yes I have read all your replies. Those to his side of the story and without any of you knowing a shred about me. I cannot put into words how incredibly hurtful it has been to see this. My self esteem is absolutely shattered.

 

I took off my wedding ring last night because I felt that he had given up.

 

There are always 2 sides to every story.

 

I will not come back to this forum again.

 

Still thinking only about herself.

[Mrs. John Adams]

BD

 

I went back to read your thread and the above quote stood out.

 

You seem like an amazing man and father. Pay hard worker, fit and athletic, a the-ball coach, scout den leader and a volunteer fireman. Just amazing and you question your worth. Your wife was a lucky woman and to throw away someone like you for a side piece is mind boggling.

 

Not only are you an quality man you've been consoling your wife even after all she's done to you.

 

Your wife is not ok, her angry and defensive post is troubling to say the least. She has really done a job on your esteem.

 

I have to wonder if the kindest thing and most generous thing she could do now is to set you free. Your worth more than having to live with the 3-4 years of her affair and at least another 4-5 years that reconciliation could take. That's nearly a decade robbed from your life and I dread the price and toll it will take on you.

 

Please put yourself first at this time.

 

I so agree with your post with the exception of this... this will be a part of his life for the rest of his life.

 

She has robbed a part of him he will never get back

[aliveagain]

She will never answer the questions you asked and you can bet your ass she will not be offering any post nup. And my money says if he is smart and demands a polygraph test she will walk out before submitting to it. And it won't be ;long before transparency will become burdensome to her and OP will be called controlling.

After all, OM lives five minutes away. He should just trust her

 

FO4U, I agree with you but at the same time you always want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I already know her answer. BetrayedDad will show her my post and she will respond by saying she has already told everyone in writing that she is never coming back here and will refuse to answer because we don't know her and she is not like other cheaters, she's a special snowflake. This would be the time to prove us all wrong by agreeing to a polygraph test. Four years of lying, she must be really good at it, she sure knows how to push his buttons.

[Furious]

I so agree with your post with the exception of this... this will be a part of his life for the rest of his life.

 

She has robbed a part of him he will never get back

 

I agree with you it's something he will never get back.

 

Life isn't fair, it's cliche but it's true.

 

Everyone who goes through emotional trauma is never the same again.

 

I describe it as a black spot on the map of the heart and most everyone has a spot on their heart in a philosophical way.

 

I do wish BD the best and reassure him he is a wonderful human being,

Edited June 9, 2017 by Furious

[harrybrown]

BD-

 

there is no way that your marriage will ever be what it was in the beginning.

 

My wife and some of my daughters are nurses.

 

Yes, the jobs are demanding, like most jobs. But the A's that go on in the medical field are horrible.

 

she is still an addict. You can't work with an addict. She will hurt you again.

 

She claims to be a good Mom, but a good Mom would not shut out her family for such a long time. In order to escape the family for years, she did not think about her family. She hardly mentions you and your pain.

 

She is not a good wife. She will never be. She does not express remorse.

 

How would she feel if you had such a long A? She does not express all of her emotions about you. She does the kids, but that was in the past.

 

She does not get your pain. She never will. File for D. You will heal faster without her in your life.

 

Drive her over to the OM's house. Let her stay there.

 

If she really wanted to help you, there is help available. She could get some help from some online places about recovering from an A.

 

I am not supposed to mention the names of such places. i could get in trouble with LS again.

 

You can co-parent with her, but get her out of your life as much as possible.

 

She did this over and over and over again. She planned for it and did not think about her family for years. She used all of her energy for the A, and to give the OM all of the sex he wanted. Everything she denied you and still does.

 

She may have given him oral and anal. She may have given him a threesome. Either way. (MFF or MMF)

 

She probably talked you down all the time. Your faults are exaggerated to help her with any guilt.

 

 

Good luck to you and your kids. Try and stop letting her put the knife in your back over and over again. File for D. Let your kids know when they are old enough, because kids think the D was because of them.

 

Do not let her have the chance to do this to you again. She does not care about you at all. When was the last time she did something nice just for you, that she thought you would like? Anything sexual is gone, because she gave away what you thought was special to the OM.

 

Hope things go your way for you and your kids.

 

Do not let her continue to cut your heart out, throw it into the fire and eat it anymore.

 

She was supposed to have your back against the world, not lead the attack.

[QuietDan]

From reading her post I do not sense any love for her husband at all. She may say she loves him, but her attitude speaks otherwise.

 

And, by the way, cutting oneself is one of the hallmarks of Borderline Personality Disorder. Just saying...

 

I picked on a lot of that as well. Her post doesn't read like the type of wayward that is looking for a way to rescue, restore, rebuild a meaningful relationship with her betrayed spouse.

Sensing...husband...has been placed in the nice guy, reliable child care, household business associate, general friend category for a very long time. He was reliable and easily manipulated.

Obligation, duty, pity, guilt, love and intimacy at best.

Her self esteem crises she is struggling with.... After losing the love of her life, it appears she now has to suffer the possible indignation of losing her back up Mr. Reliable that she has little regard or respect or desire for. Keeping him happy and around to serve her needs was suppose to be easy.

[HereNorThere]

Suicide is serious business and we should treat it as such. However, let's not mistake self harm with a suicide attempt because they are not the same.

 

Sadly, If OP's wife decides to do that, there's very little anyone could do to stop her. She's a medical professional with unfettered access to a whole host of lethal chemicals. There would be no cuts, just one simple needle mark or a handful of pills and it would be over. I truly hope she loves those children enough to not put them through that. They already have to carry so much baggage now because of all this and it kills me to think she might be willing to put them through even more pain. Just in case - National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255. It may even be worth calling just to get some insight and things to look out for.

 

I have to be completely honest, her emotional blackmail kind of worked on me. As much as I'd love to dismantle her entire post, it shakes me to my core thinking that she could do something to harm herself or others and try to turn the blame towards us or her husband. As far as manipulation goes, OP is absolutely dealing with a pro. The only way you win with a person like this is by refusing to play the game in the first place.

 

OP, have you ever heard of that Nietzsche quote about fighting monsters? Well, it's probably safe to say you stared into the abyss and it stared back at you. When you live with this level of abuse for this long, you start to become crazy as well. I promise you with all of my heart, if you can escape this and create a safe environment and refuge for your children, you will wake up one day and realize just how bad things were. Dude, this is not normal. Not just just the cheating. In fact, the cheating is probably the least of your worries. It's the psychological torture that's going to effect you in the long run.

 

After what we've seen, I just can't imagine anyone suggesting you reconcile. It would be like a battered wife showing up with two black eyes and us supporting her decision to return to the guy who beat her. Sorry brother, but this is much, much deeper than I originally suspected. You need to leave NOW. Go sign on the first 2 bedroom bachelor apartment you can find ASAP. This situation is so much more dire than you realize. You will never be able to live with yourself if she does something.

 

“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.” - Friedrich Nietzsche

[aliveagain]

Unfortunately the things that really stood out in her posts were the things she didn't say, she's still in love with the other man and she's heartbroken that he never kept his word and morning his loss. She planned on them being together, one big happy Brady bunch. BetrayedDad, the rings didn't marry you, your spoken word to each other did. The licence and the rings are just public records/symbols recording the event.