17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Unfortunately the things that really stood out in her posts were the things she didn't say, she's still in love with the other man and she's heartbroken that he never kept his word and morning his loss. She planned on them being together, one big happy Brady bunch. BetrayedDad, the rings didn't marry you, your spoken word to each other did. The licence and the rings are just public records/symbols recording the event.

 

That's true about the rings! And, frankly, I'd probably be more upset by the fact that she probably took them off every single time she banged the other man. She only said she'd never gone to work without them, not that she'd never removed them. She said she felt naked without them on. I wonder if she felt naked when she took them off to be with the other man. Oh wait.....

[MuddyFootprints]

Lost, I understand you not wanting to return. This place (and places like this) can be brutal to a ww. It can also be very eye opening and a great place to recognise our blind spots.

 

Even if you don't log in, read. Not just this thread and not just this forum. The more opinions and insight you gather from other couples in similar situations will help clarify your own perspective and give you the tools you need to fix what you need to fix.

 

It doesn't happen overnight. Be patient with your husband and with yourself.

[Lost2574]

First off, let me say, it was brave of you to post here.

 

Now, and I hope you read this or your husband tell you what I (and I'm sure others) will say. You need to stop thinking about the the "price you will pay". Because the price your husband is paying is so much greater that I suspect you can't even imagine it. Even if you wind up divorced, your "share" of this pain is minuscule compared to his. Yes, eventually you may come to know remorse and real empathy and get an inkling of his pain. But you're nowhere near that today, not even in the zip code.

 

You have to work twice as hard to fix this as you did to have the A. Let that sink in. Remember all the lies, all the stolen moments, all the rearranged schedules to have an A? Well, you need to do twice as much to win your husband back. If you want to see a professional (which I think is a good idea), start calling at 8AM and don't stop until 5PM. Take the day off work and do nothing but call and call, find someone who will see you, even if they are 100 miles away. Make arrangements to get there. You made arrangements to see the AP, shouldn't be all that difficult to do the same to get to a psych.

 

When I read your post, I see someone who's doing the surface level "right stuff" but you're not digging deep enough. Don't give up. If your husband needs something, truth, time to vent, wants you to come here and post.. Do it. Not tomorrow, not a month from now. Do it tonight. And be sincere. If he's asking you to come here (something I also asked my WW to do), get involved, start posting, find help from other people in your situation. Don't "hit and run" post. If he's reading a book, read 2. If he's trying to set dates to reconnect with you, make yourself available. You made yourself available for the AP, you should be twice as available for your husband.

 

As the wayward, the majority of the work is yours to do. Your the only person who can do it, and, if you don't, your husband won't heal at all, or he won't heal as quickly as he can with someone who wants to learn and help him. Why did this happen. Why did it go on for so long. What was missing? Do I love either of them? Help him understand the answers to these questions so that he can make a decision for himself.

 

I wish you the best of luck; the most positive sign in this entire thread is you coming here to post. Please don't stop. Yes, we can be very harsh on waywards. You deserve it. But if you come here and are taking steps to help him heal, I can promise you, the chorus of "divorce her" will stop. It will; because, the situation has changed, your doing the work to try to fix the damage you did. Is this the only way? Absolutely not; but, if he asked you to come here, it's because he thought it was important for him and you to heal.

 

Your A was very long term. There's a lot of wreckage you're going to need to work through with him. You'll talk about nothing but the A for months, maybe years. It's not because he wants to leave. Leaving is easy. Fixing this is not. If he's willing to try, it's because he's deeply in love with you. Make sure that doesn't go lost on you; the default reaction for men in this situation is "call a lawyer and throw her out". He didn't do that, which speaks volumes to how he feels about you. Use that as the base to open up to him and evaluate independently your options.

 

Thank you for your perspective. It was honest and gives me the perspective I needed without feeling my entire character is being maliciously attacked.

 

I read all the other responses too. I was surprised to see a few who were actually arguing with each other on my husbands post. Arguing about my motives when none of you know either of us personally. I doubt that any of you are certified in any type of professional counseling either.

 

It is impossible to detect context in an online discussion with strangers. All I can say at this point is that I'm trying my hardest to understand his pain and support him any way he needs. I love him. I am going to a professional counselor on Tuesday. Mediation consultation is still planned for Monday. Time will tell what the future holds.

[GoldenR]

I read all the other responses too. I was surprised to see a few who were actually arguing with each other on my husbands post. Arguing about my motives when none of you know either of us personally. I doubt that any of you are certified in any type of professional counseling either.

 

It is impossible to detect context in an online discussion with strangers..

 

The thing is, we don't have to know you. We've read, thousands upon thousands of stories on here. They're pretty much all the same, with about 3 different general avenues they can take. Everyone always thinks their situation is different....it's not. Yours is not. No matter what reason you give is for cheating, we've heard it. And we don't need to know you in real life to understand your situation.

 

And OT is right....if you keep posting, the comments towards you will change. A lot.

[DKT3]

Thank you for your perspective. It was honest and gives me the perspective I needed without feeling my entire character is being maliciously attacked.

 

I read all the other responses too. I was surprised to see a few who were actually arguing with each other on my husbands post. Arguing about my motives when none of you know either of us personally. I doubt that any of you are certified in any type of professional counseling either.

 

It is impossible to detect context in an online discussion with strangers. All I can say at this point is that I'm trying my hardest to understand his pain and support him any way he needs. I love him. I am going to a professional counselor on Tuesday. Mediation consultation is still planned for Monday. Time will tell what the future holds.

 

Actually human behavior is not as varied as many want to believe, so if one understands the those behaviors it's fairly easy to both pick up on personality traits and make educated predictions of future behavior.

 

Maybe you do love your husband (with your definition of love) who are we to say, what we can't say, because your behavior dictates you have not been nor do you now value your husband.

 

Posters here have traveled this road, some for decades. We understand what remorse and empathy look like, I don't see any through your husbands words. Then you posted some of the most self absorbed stuff I've read here in a while....Most here have kids and careers, stress and struggles, you didn't corner the market there, nor is any of it justification for you've​ done.

[Marc878]

Thank you for your perspective. It was honest and gives me the perspective I needed without feeling my entire character is being maliciously attacked.

 

I read all the other responses too. I was surprised to see a few who were actually arguing with each other on my husbands post. Arguing about my motives when none of you know either of us personally. I doubt that any of you are certified in any type of professional counseling either.

 

Maybe not but a lot have very personal experience and have been through these scenarios. With that said there are MC's and IC's That are totally incompetent. Beware!!! You're in the medical field so you should know all certified professionals aren't necessarily competent.

 

It is impossible to detect context in an online discussion with strangers. All I can say at this point is that I'm trying my hardest to understand his pain and support him any way he needs. I love him. I am going to a professional counselor on Tuesday. Mediation consultation is still planned for Monday. Time will tell what the future holds.

 

Maybe you'll wake up at some point. You aren't there yet. Sometimes it takes awhile. You don't get there in two weeks normally.

 

As another posted this isn't special it's a very typical affair. Just longer term than most.

Edited June 9, 2017 by Marc878

[Marc878]

If you really want help with this it'll show and you'll get more than you ever though.

 

You are correct time will tell.

 

Reconcilliation isn't for everyone. It takes @ 2-5 years and a lot of work especially on your part but it has to be the both of you. One can't do it. It's needs some thought on both your parts. You can waste a lot of time and life that you can't get back. There are no guarantees.

 

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. It may dissipate but will remain in some form.

[reboot]

What she apparently doesn't understand is that most of the people commenting in this thread have been cheated on, sometimes quite viciously. We know how much he's hurting. She can cry all she wants but she won't get a lot of sympathy here. *shrug*

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for your perspective. It was honest and gives me the perspective I needed without feeling my entire character is being maliciously attacked.

 

I read all the other responses too. I was surprised to see a few who were actually arguing with each other on my husbands post. Arguing about my motives when none of you know either of us personally. I doubt that any of you are certified in any type of professional counseling either.

 

It is impossible to detect context in an online discussion with strangers. All I can say at this point is that I'm trying my hardest to understand his pain and support him any way he needs. I love him. I am going to a professional counselor on Tuesday. Mediation consultation is still planned for Monday. Time will tell what the future holds.

 

Counseling will help you figure out if you truly love your husband and truly want your marriage. Right now (just going by what you've said and how it was worded, also by what your husband has said here) it seems like you're reacting out of desperation : Possibility of losing everything, the comforts of home, having your family living under one roof, losing your routine and family life as you knew it before your husband found out about the affair. This is when you need to dig down deep and be completely honest with yourself, as well as to your husband and therapist.

 

You also know (as does your husband) the feelings you have for your exMM don't just up and disappear so quickly. I've never read ANY situation on here where feelings and thoughts and even the follow through on total NC once there's a DDAY happen. There's always contact at some point. It's not always to to start up the affair again but to get closure...

 

Nobody here knows you, but how expressed yourself in your first post said a lot about you. IF you want your marriage, BE 100 percent honest about EVERTHING, even if it hurts your husband. Any lie or omission is a strike against you and will push him into filing for divorce.

 

PS. Put your ring back on if you want to do a gesture of faith to show your husband that you're willing to fight for your marriage. Taking it off meant (to him) that you gave up and a did tit for tat (you took yours off so I'm taking mine off).

[MuddyFootprints]

There is a lot of expectation that we can just flick a switch and behold, we see the light.

 

For most of us, illumination is on a dimmer switch.

[aliveagain]

Thank you for your perspective. It was honest and gives me the perspective I needed without feeling my entire character is being maliciously attacked.

I read all the other responses too. I was surprised to see a few who were actually arguing with each other on my husbands post. Arguing about my motives when none of you know either of us personally. I doubt that any of you are certified in any type of professional counseling either.

It is impossible to detect context in an online discussion with strangers. All I can say at this point is that I'm trying my hardest to understand his pain and support him any way he needs. I love him. I am going to a professional counselor on Tuesday. Mediation consultation is still planned for Monday. Time will tell what the future holds.

 

 

Many of the people replying to your post have themselves been betrayed. Many are former wayward spouses like Mrs. John Adams who will call you out when she feels the need to. No one wants to see your two families fail but they also want to make sure your betrayed husband knows what he is getting into and how to protect himself and his children from further abuse. Your infidelity is a direct hit on him. Cheating is the lowest form of respect one spouse can show another, mutual respect is absolutely essential for any marriage to be successful. That's a lot of years of disrespect to overcome. If he hadn't of busted you would you still be planning to divorce him and still be hooking up with your affair partner? I have posted you a couple of questions, I'm nobody in your life so it's not important you answer me but it is important you answer him the "Why" you chose to be unfaithful?

 

I am not your husband and I have a zero tolerance policy. Your husband will sort through all of our posts and use only the information that is useful to him. Remorseful spouses don't need to be told what they need to do to show their husbands or wives that they want to save their marriage. Second chances shouldn't be expected, second chances are earned by their actions. Your a grown woman with children, you know right from wrong and you know that once you step over that line you can't ever go back to what was. Your husband came here to ask strangers for their honest opinions because he can't trust the person he should be asking. We have nothing to gain from him so we can be honest and your right, we are not trained experts but we have all been where you both are now and made it to the other side. We can share our experiences with him in hopes he doesn't make some of the same stupid mistakes we made.

[drifter777]

Thank you for your perspective. It was honest and gives me the perspective I needed without feeling my entire character is being maliciously attacked.

 

I read all the other responses too. I was surprised to see a few who were actually arguing with each other on my husbands post. Arguing about my motives when none of you know either of us personally. I doubt that any of you are certified in any type of professional counseling either.

 

It is impossible to detect context in an online discussion with strangers. All I can say at this point is that I'm trying my hardest to understand his pain and support him any way he needs. I love him. I am going to a professional counselor on Tuesday. Mediation consultation is still planned for Monday. Time will tell what the future holds.

Will you give your husband the truths he needs to move forward with trying to reconcile? Everything - including the naughty details if that's what he wants. Are you willing to be open and honest, vulnerable, and maybe a little ashamed in order to show him you will do whatever you can to help him heal and make this up to him? That's what he needs right now - will you give it to him?

[BluesPower]

Lost, you entire character should be attacked...

 

That is the point, you are so self absorbed and you just do not get it. You had a 4 year affair.

 

4 YEARS that is almost 25 percent of your marriage. How could you even expect your husband to take you back.

 

And you have to audacity to tell us that we don't know what we are talking about. I was married for 27 years, sole bread winner, raised 3 kids alone for the most part because I was married to a selfish, self absorbed woman like you.

 

Do you tell all your girl friends how mean your husband is to you just because you had a 4 year affair???

 

As educated as you are do you have no concept what you have done.

 

Have you read helping you spouse heal from your affair or any other self help books about helping your spouse heal from infidelity? NO?

 

Why, is that because it is his problem, he has to get over it???

 

Please...

[Zona]

It is impossible to detect context in an online discussion with strangers.

 

Every story has nuances and we are all unique and our stories are unique. But still, the obvious facts sure look bad in this case. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.

 

I'm not asking this to be a jerk, but I really want to understand. If you were in a 3 or 4 year relationship with another man, how could you not have loved him? And if the obvious is true, that you loved him, how can you just walk away now without regrets, and without a burning desire to reconnect? That seems impossible to me.

[Mr Blunt]

By BetrayedDad

At this point, the sex part still doesn't seem real. I am just now coming to grips with the lies and deceit and I'm struggling with that, especially given the duration of the affair. I can't get my head around it lasting almost 4 years. That's a long f'ing time for an affair to go on.

 

about a month or so ago, she told me that she resented me

 

Every time I think of something that we did over the last 4 years, I'm reminded of what she was doing at that time

 

I think I'm starting to realize thatshe stopped loving me over the course of the past 4 years. She has said several times that she doesn't think this can be fixed and wants me to do what's best for me. The more I think about that, the more I think she really has stopped loving me and is almost encouraging me to divorce her...without coming right out and saying it

 

it bothers me to see that she has removed her ring. I feel like she is giving up too easily.

 

 

You are the only one that is not giving up. She is trying to get you to do what is best for you and probably best for her. Even Stevie Wonder can read what she is doing and that is she is encouraging you to divorce her.

 

I know it hurts like hell but your posts above tell you the facts…Your wife does not love you like you need to be loved and you must now look out for only you and your children..I know that you do not want this reality to be real but you will have to accept it now or drag it out for another year or two but in the end you and your wife will be better off by starting over without being married…You can both become better parents even though you both maybe good parents now…With the great emotional turmoil that you now have; how can you be the best for your children?

 

 

BetrayedDad, don’t you think that you both will be better parents without the great emotional pain that you now have?

[BetrayedDad]

I want to thank everyone for your comments and support. It's been 3 weeks since D-day and I can finally say that I am eating, sleeping, and exercising on a regular schedule again...and I haven't shed a tear in days. I find it strangely ironic that my wife is much more emotional than I am now and I seem to be the one trying to comfort her even though she is the one that had the affair.

 

I'll try to respond to some of the individual posts when I have more time, but for now I just want to thank everyone. I can't tell you how good it made me feel to see some of you respond with such accurate detail which shows that you have not only taken the time to read and respond, but you clearly follow and understand what I'm going through and are sincerely trying to help.

 

At this point, we have a consultation scheduled with a mediator on Monday and my wife is scheduled to start IC on Tuesday. It's been a rough 3 weeks and right now, I'm taking it one day at a time.

[BetrayedDad]

That's what I was thinking. I think that is the reason for her ambivalence. She is processing a lot right now obviously. Having her intense sexual and emotional relationship with her AP cut off after 4 years has undoubtedly left her in mourning just as a marriage breakup would. Add in the shame of being caught and having all her family including her children find out about it.

 

I'm not trying to pour fuel on the flames, but if I was BD, I would wonder what would happen in the OM leaves his wife and then asks his wife to make their relationship permanent. This must be in the back of her mind. What would she decide to do in this case? I agree that a 4 year long affair was like another marriage.

 

It's funny that you mention ambivalence because that's what I've been thinking. It seems to me that would be a way to explain how she could have the affair "off and on" for 4 years. I think she may have been torn between me (or me and our kids) and her AP...she may have had strong feelings for both of us at the same time. Strong enough towards me (or our lifestyle) to not want a divorce but at the same time she also had strong enough feelings for her AP to keep going back to him again and again. Either way, I believe she may have been conflicted for years between what she had and what she wished she could have. I often thought that is why just a couple months ago, she told me that she resented me...I was one of the major obstacles preventing her from legitimately being with her AP.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well good...I am glad you came back lost...since you said you wouldn't.

 

Let's talk...you and I...woman to woman...cheater to cheater

 

Have you read the book how to help my spouse heal from my affair by linda macdonald? It is 95 pages long and you can download it free on line.

 

Lets start there. Read it....and then read it again. It is very simple...how to book...but see if it resonates with you...see if it means anything to you...see if it SPEAKS to you.

 

I would see a lawyer...you want to be prepared for wht might happen in the future. Find out your rights.

 

Get into therapy...individual as well as couple therpay...can help you understand how you got to this point...how you allowed yourself to be a cheater for such a long period of time. couples therapy can help you to communicate.

 

Become completely and totaly transparent. Give your husband access to every account. You need to start rebuilding trust...which will take a very very long time. Tell him your every move...everything you are doing or are going to do.

 

Become accountable...accept responsibility for your choices...your actions...your selfishness...because no matter what kind of relationship you had with your husband...he did not deserve the disrespect and the pain you have now caused him.

 

He does not want to hear your excuses...or your reasons...or your circumstances....for WHY you chose to live a double life these past years.

You simply must understand that an affair like this...makes the betrayed spouse think EVERYTHING has been a lie....

 

He simply cannot and will not beleive a single word you say. and PLEASE leave out the dramatics...you aint foolin him...you have fooled him for the past 3-4 years....he is done with that crap.

 

You can tell us all how stressed you are...how you have been a good housekeeper and your nursed your kids and you are a great employee....but guess what...none of that matters...becasue you have been a terrible horrible wife.

 

you can wallow in the floor screaming how sorry you are and it means nothing.

 

From now on...it will be your actions that count. He will watch your every move....and that is what will tell him if you are sincere...that you are sorry...and that you are telling the truth. YOu will be under a microscope.

 

He will weigh every word you say...he will question eveything you say...he will DISSECT everything. He will analyze every moment from the past 4 years...he will question everything you have said and done.

 

Let me tell you....reconciliation is tough...it is the hardest thing you have EVER gone through.

 

I am 33 years in reconciliation....thats right...I had a very short affair....33 years ago....and you will NEVER BE THE SAME. IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY.

 

But life can be good..you can love each other...you can raise your family and grow old together....but only if you BOTH are willing to do the work required.

 

It is up to you dear lady...to do the heavy lifting. After all...you are the one who cheated and lied and deceived. It's fair...that you help him heal. The wounds you have caused are deeper than you imagined....the scars will forever be there.

 

The elephant will always be there...but you can eventually make him ,ove from the living room to the backyard and you wont have to clean up the mess everyday.

 

Are you really committed to helping your husband heal form what you have done? Can you put in the work required? Because if you can't...walk away. Do NOT put this man through any more pain.

 

Someday....way down the road...you might understand the pain you have caused him...someday you might understand remorse. For now....sorrow for what you have done...regret for what you have done....will help him....but if you truly desire to heal this relationship...you will dig and read....and do everything you can to understand complet and total remorse for the pain you have caused.

 

You are still in a very selfish mindset. You must begin to place yourself and your pain beneath the needs and wants of your husband. You should be overwhelmed by what you have done to him. If you are still self absorbed...you will not be able to understand what you have done.

 

YOu may be going through withdrawal...you may be missing your AP....you may be so sad.....but if you want your husband becasue you truly love him....you simply must concentrate on him. Any thoughts or fond feelings...or yearnings for the other man will only cause more pain to your husband.

 

Do you understand in all of this what i am trying to say? The past four years have been about you....if you want your husband...that mindset has to change and everything...EVERYTHING has to now be about your husband.

 

He has to become your focus...your desire...your LIFE. and if you dont think you can do that...then walk away.

 

I have learned much in the past 33 years....I have learned a lot about myself...and i have learned what is really important to me.

 

My husband is my best friend....he is my lover...he is my life. I do not want to live if he is not by my side.

 

I am not saying you have to feel this way...but i am telling you...he WANTS you to feel this way. Can you? Can you put him first? becasue what he needs now is unselfish honest true love. Can you give that to him?

 

I hope you can...because you have a long hard road ahead of you. It takes AT LEAST 2-5 years to heal from an affair..if you do everything right. and it takes a lifetime to prove you love him.

 

Infidelity..the gift that keeps on giving....it will never go away. You can never give him back this time you have robbed him of...

 

But life CAN be good and it can be blessed and you can be in love with each other. He can forgive you for what you have done.

 

Take his gift of reconciliation ...accept it...even though you dont deserve it...and prove to him every day the rest of your life that you understand the sacrifice he has made to give it to you...and that you are grateful. Never again take him for granted.

[BetrayedDad]

BD,

 

Taking off her wedding ring is nothing more than an attempt at mental intimidation with the intent of turning up the screws on you. For years, she wore her ring while having a sex fest with OM.

 

Now she knows you are teetering on the verge of blowing up her comfy world so at a time that she is supposed to be slobbering all over you begging for forgiveness, she ditches her wedding ring.

 

And this OM lives two minutes drive from your house. For heavens sake, you need to restore the divorce start. It will not happen immediately but she will know the ring crap did not work. Who in their right mind takes off their ring at a time she is supposedly trying to help you get over this.

 

And she is not unique. Most serial cheaters do not like reading a fourm their BS is on because she is being called out vin a way you are not doing.

 

I keep coming back to your comment above. i feel like a hypocrite, but I am still surprised at how quickly she gave up.

[aliveagain]

It's funny that you mention ambivalence because that's what I've been thinking. It seems to me that would be a way to explain how she could have the affair "off and on" for 4 years. I think she may have been torn between me (or me and our kids) and her AP...she may have had strong feelings for both of us at the same time. Strong enough towards me (or our lifestyle) to not want a divorce but at the same time she also had strong enough feelings for her AP to keep going back to him again and again. Either way, I believe she may have been conflicted for years between what she had and what she wished she could have. I often thought that is why just a couple months ago, she told me that she resented me...I was one of the major obstacles preventing her from legitimately being with her AP.

 

Funny you brought up this point, I recall writing to you about her new paradyme, she subtly diverted control from you to the O/M so what was once a husband and wife pairing became a wife and other man relation, you became a powerless victim without even knowing it(you were actually an obstacle in the way of her happiness). Just to be clear, you don't have to stay with someone that resents you or is in love with another man.

Edited June 10, 2017 by aliveagain

[usa1ah]

I keep coming back to your comment above. i feel like a hypocrite, but I am still surprised at how quickly she gave up.

 

I am not surprised.

[Furious]

BD you were safe in your wife's eyes and the OM was an illusion that has crashed. OM denied her existence and the irony is she's dealing with betrayal.

 

It's a twisted mindset and she can't console you because she detached from you and her energy was focused on the affair these past 4 years.

 

You're not real to her in the sense that in order to cheat on you she distanced herself from being intimate with you.

 

Your hurt and pain is nothing compared to her hurt and pain at this time.

 

You need to understand that there's an ocean separating you even though you're under the same roof.

 

The more you fight for her is a paradox, she needs your safeness but that's not love.

 

Writing a list of demands, giving her books to read, threatening divorce without really meaning it will not "make her love you"

[Trtroles]

I seem to be the one trying to comfort her even though she is the one that had the affair.

 

It is her job to comfort you and help you heal. She is playing with your emotions right now and at the end she will blame you for everything.

 

Remember- if OM didnt dump her and wanted to stay with his wife,your wife would be staying with him in another house.

 

So much lying from her part. It was not enough she lied for 4 years. Damn

[Marc878]

BD you were safe in your wife's eyes and the OM was an illusion that has crashed. OM denied her existence and the irony is she's dealing with betrayal.

 

It's a twisted mindset and she can't console you because she detached from you and her energy was focused on the affair these past 4 years.

 

You're not real to her in the sense that in order to cheat on you she distanced herself from being intimate with you.

 

Your hurt and pain is nothing compared to her hurt and pain at this time.

 

You need to understand that there's an ocean separating you even though you're under the same roof.

 

The more you fight for her is a paradox, she needs your safeness but that's not love.

 

Writing a list of demands, giving her books to read, threatening divorce without really meaning it will not "make her love you"

 

Very doubtful

[road]

It's funny that you mention ambivalence because that's what I've been thinking. It seems to me that would be a way to explain how she could have the affair "off and on" for 4 years. I think she may have been torn between me (or me and our kids) and her AP...she may have had strong feelings for both of us at the same time. Strong enough towards me (or our lifestyle) to not want a divorce but at the same time she also had strong enough feelings for her AP to keep going back to him again and again. Either way, I believe she may have been conflicted for years between what she had and what she wished she could have. I often thought that is why just a couple months ago, she told me that she resented me...I was one of the major obstacles preventing her from legitimately being with her AP.

 

Everyone likes the thrill of being "bad". The brain chemistry causes addictive

reactions and a high results every time one is bad. This causes the thrill seeker/

addict to have another hit of their habit/drug to get another high.

 

Your WW was addicted to the high her affair was giving her. This addiction

lead to her justifying her use of her affair drug. From my husband did this,

that, them, and those to no one ever makes me feel the way the OM does.

 

As any addict they will lash out at anyone perceive to prevent them from

getting high.