17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[Mr Blunt]

Because as crazy as it sounds, I still love her. I guess I'm just hoping for some miracle to happen that will make me believe she feels the same about me. I know in my head it won't happen, but in my heart, I keep hoping.

BD, are you going to start to focus on you and your children?

 

You being obsessed with your wife loving you and your knowledge that “…it won’t happen” will have you wasting a lot of time and energy that will not help you and your children…In fact your choice to focus on your hurt and hoping your wife is going to have a miracle transformation (Fantasy?) and start loving you the way that you want is detrimental and will keep dragging you down….The only chance of that miracle happening is if you become a man that demands respect and becomes stronger, less dependent on your wife, than you are now… also If your wife gets a lot stronger and gets rid of much of her baggage she may even get to where she understand and is able to give real remorse as described by Mrs. JA.

 

BD, what actions are you taking so that you are becoming less dependent?

[Dis]

OP's wife, fellow nurse here...

 

Yes, most of us nurse's dont get lunch until well after noon

 

Most of us nurse's hold in our pee for 6 hours on end

 

Most of us nurse's could be feeling under the weather some days but we wont stop because we have patients to care for

 

Most of us nurse's dont get much sleep but we show up and do our job anyway

 

YOU'RE NOT UNIQUE and its are no excuse for what you did. Dont you know MDs are jerks anyway??? Every nurse knows that

 

On the other side of the coin, most of us nurse's have seen how precious life is, how everything can change in a heartbeat. We have seen our patient's family members lose their husbands and wives. We have seen real pain, real struggles and loss after loss

 

We have compassion, empathy, and nuture like no other human beings on the face of the planet

 

You, OP's wife, have no reason to cheat on your husband because you cant have lunch until 2pm, because you're tired....because of anything other reason. I had a hard time believing that you're a nurse because you seem to be one of the most selfish people I've seen on LS in a long time. On a cardiac unit I'm sure you've seen codes get called, lives lost....and all the while you cant appreciate your husband who has loved you and cared for you for 17 years. Very sad...

 

Betrayed Dad, you seem like such an awesome guy. The guy that most wives would be so happy to come home to. Great dad too. You have carried yourself with such diginity and integrity through this whole mess. You deserve so much better. I wish you all the best and pls keep posting

[Residentduchbag]

Despite what all of you think, I love my husband.(sure she does) He didn't deserve any of the hurt I caused. I own that and will for the rest of my life. He is a wonderful father to our boys. I don't know what our future holds at this point. My plan is to make the right choices going forward and hope that God will forgive me. And to be the best mom I can be for my kids. Where is you in this ??? I get the kids, but no mention on how to make her self to be the BEST WIFE to you..

 

 

 

Yesterday, she texted me 9 times but couldn't find the time to send me even one just to say "I love you". Her true feelings seem so obvious on paper.

 

Its just not paper .The love you are looking for does not exist ..

Seriously how more obvious can she be? No respect, cant even fake i love you in a text message. 9 text messages ,so forget an oversight from her...

[usa1ah]

So instead of talking with you about "her needs", she talks with another man to get them fulfilled.

[MuddyFootprints]

OP's wife, fellow nurse here...

 

Yes, most of us nurse's dont get lunch until well after noon

 

Most of us nurse's hold in our pee for 6 hours on end

 

Most of us nurse's could be feeling under the weather some days but we wont stop because we have patients to care for

 

Most of us nurse's dont get much sleep but we show up and do our job anyway

 

YOU'RE NOT UNIQUE and its are no excuse for what you did. Dont you know MDs are jerks anyway??? Every nurse knows that

 

On the other side of the coin, most of us nurse's have seen how precious life is, how everything can change in a heartbeat. We have seen our patient's family members lose their husbands and wives. We have seen real pain, real struggles and loss after loss

 

We have compassion, empathy, and nuture like no other human beings on the face of the planet

 

You, OP's wife, have no reason to cheat on your husband because you cant have lunch until 2pm, because you're tired....because of anything other reason. I had a hard time believing that you're a nurse because you seem to be one of the most selfish people I've seen on LS in a long time. On a cardiac unit I'm sure you've seen codes get called, lives lost....and all the while you cant appreciate your husband who has loved you and cared for you for 17 years. Very sad...

 

Betrayed Dad, you seem like such an awesome guy. The guy that most wives would be so happy to come home to. Great dad too. You have carried yourself with such diginity and integrity through this whole mess. You deserve so much better. I wish you all the best and pls keep posting

 

You forgot to add your email address.

[Mz. Pixie]

BD,

 

I'm sorry I'm late to the thread. I don't post as much as I used to. You've gotten some great advice. Just thought I would weigh in a few things mad also as a FWW.

 

One-I wish you hadn't shared this site with WW. I know it's tempting because you so want them to read the comments because you think it will make them have an ah-ha moment. It won't. However years ago we had a guy here who vented a lot of his thread and his WW pulled his posts off and gave them to her attorney to use against him. Nothing he was saying was wrong but the attorney didn't want him posting here after that. And he lost his best allies and sounding boards. Too late now but keep it in mind.

 

Two-all WW say they cheat because their needs are being met. Pretty much people under the influence of an affair say the same exact things and this is for sure one of them. Do you know why she cheated? Because she wanted to. True you could have created conditions in the marriage that made it vulnerable to an affair but she cheated because she wanted to.

 

Three-women do not love men they don't respect. Period. She must respect you or you won't get her panties wet. I hate to be crude but that's it in a nutshell. Do you think you're giving her something to respect??

 

I read your wife's post and it was laughable at best. It was all about HER. Her job. Her feelings. Her her her. And then she decided to insult us. Her cutting was manipulation. And the wedding ring was too. I'm going to copy and paste her post next with some comments.

 

Lastly-we are here for you! Several of the people posting in this thread have been here forever. We have seen it. We don't get our jollys out of hurting people. We give advice because it's true. You have to have a heart for others to continue to come here, read and post. That's what you came here for.

 

Your marriage could be saved but only if she gets real and pulls her head out of her anal cavity.

[Mz. Pixie]

The 'wayward spouse' here.

 

Yes I have read all your replies. Those to his side of the story and without any of you knowing a shred about me. I cannot put into words how incredibly hurtful it has been to see this. My self esteem is absolutely shattered.

 

BD came here for advice. You did not. I find it very interesting that you put your title in quotes. Like sarcasm-and how we have damaged your self esteem mad how hurtful we have been to you.

 

Truth hurts lady.

 

You're devastated and hurt over our comments and they are your first word of mention. No word here about how devastated BD must be over your four year affair and blatant disregard of your marriage vows. Glad you have your priorities straight.

 

To those who said I need to 'get a job':

 

I'm a full time RN in the EP lab at a big cardiac hospital. Google it if you don't know what that means. To say it's high stress is putting it mildly. I regularly don't get a lunch break until 2pm. Yes I was per diem for many years but that was a decision we both made so that I could be home with them while they were young. I have never been unemployed.

 

Many of us have high stress jobs and don't have an affair.

 

I will title the beginning of this ME ME ME.

 

To those who say I don't care about my kids:

 

I love them more than anything and I would die for them. Breastfeeding with my second was a significant struggle but I refused to give up because I knew it was best. You have no idea how sleep deprived I was, but I wanted the best for my son. I toughed it out and he was never fed formula. I nursed him until he was 14 months old. I cooked majority of the meals, did the laundry, house cleaning, paid all the bills. I kept up with all their school obligations as best as I could.

 

Actually most moms and some dads knows how sleep deprived you were. Thanks for giving us your mom achievements. You seem to have missed something-you know the part about cheating on your kids dad. The dad they love and the dad they want to have in their lives everyday.

 

Look-I get it. I was a WW earlier in my life. I too justified my actions and thought I could still do that and love my kids. That was just to make myself feel better. Truth is affairs are hard work-and you spent time investing in texts etc with your affair partner that you could have focused on them. So sell this one elsewhere please.

 

To those who say it isn't my first rodeo:

 

It was and it will be my last. No matter the outcome of our future I will never do this again. It's not worth it.

 

I haven't made a call on that but it won't be. Until you come to grips with why you cheated. And by that I mean the reasons within yourself that allowed you to do this. Not what BD may have done.

 

To those who say I'm still in contact with the AP:

 

There has been zero contact and I ended the physical affair several months ago. I have zero desire to ever talk to him again. Because we live close by I have made a conscious effort to avoid running into him again. So far I've been successful. My husband has full access to my phone, iPad, social media, etc. I am not hiding anything anymore.

. Hope not.

 

I made multiple attempts to contact a psychologist. After calls and emails I was told by two local therapists that they were 'sorry' but they were all booked up. A year ago I mentioned to my husband I wanted marital counseling but he declined. In my job I can only imagine the ramifications if we told a patient 'sorry you can't get a pacemaker today' or 'I'm sorry we are all out of implanted defibrillators so can you just stop having your runs of ventricular tachycardia?' I realize that the two situations are not the same but the frustration is equal.

 

You're a nurse. Ask around.

 

I took off my wedding ring last night because I felt that he had given up. I went to work without wearing it for the first time ever today. I felt naked without it. This afternoon he messaged me that he had finally found a counselor. I called her right away and made an appt. I know I have personal issues and I have honestly had suicidal thoughts at times. The things you guys have said here about someone you have never met have been extremely hurtful. I actually cut my arm last week. That's how much I hate what I have done to my husband and my family.

 

You know the wedding ring was manipulation. If you were truly sorry you'd be wearing it to prove to him you're still in. In fact you'd be on here saying how darn lucky you are he didn't put your bags on the front porch.

 

You don't get it??? You. Are. Not. The. Victim.

 

Lady you've lied to your husband for four years about the affair. The fact he didn't put your clothes on the lawn amazes me but you want to take off your ring because he wasn't trying? When do you get the point that it's not about you right now?? The affair was about you. Recovery is about him right now.

 

Despite what all of you think, I love my husband. He didn't deserve any of the hurt I caused. I own that and will for the rest of my life. He is a wonderful father to our boys. I don't know what our future holds at this point. My plan is to make the right choices going forward and hope that God will forgive me. And to be the best mom I can be for my kids.

 

I love my husband. Yet I'm not willing to stop justifying my actions to fix my marriage.

 

To all of you....I don't think you realize the impact your words can have on someone. Or how inaccessible mental health counseling can be. I now know after the struggle trying to get counseling. Please keep in mind in future posts the impact your words might have on someone who is struggling. There are always 2 sides to every story. I am not at all condoning my choice. I understand most of you were on the receiving end and none of you deserved it. I do believe that everyone deserves a second chance though. Good people make bad choices. I will pay th price of mine forever.

 

I will not come back to this forum again. The only reason I know about it is that my husband shared his post with me. I can only imagine the replies that my post will get and honestly my heart can't take it. I wish the best to all of you as I understand you wouldn't be here unless you have experienced your own heartache. Regards, the wayward spouse.

 

Your heart can't take it??? The toll we have placed upon you???

Imagine that times 1000 is what your poor husband has gone through!!!!

 

To sum it up. Me, me, me-you guys are so mean telling me and BD the truth like that, me, me, me, you guys are mean, I wish you the best.

 

A few of us have been where you are. And you could get some help here not justification or helping you to feel sorry for yourself but real help. If you want to push that away while your marriage crumbles that's fine. He came here and asked for help. For myself this is me giving back. I don't sugar coat it. And I won't start now for such selfishness.

 

BD will never want to reconcile until he feels that he knows everything. And until he feels that you get what you've done to him. And to your kids.

 

If the people here didn't care we wouldn't comment. Nor would we take the time to read the entire thread to give an opinion.

 

See you lost the right for it to be about you and your unmet needs when you cheated. Unfair yes. But that's how it goes unfortunately.

[oldlion]

Contrary to what most are saying, I think you are handling things pretty well. Just keep the pressure on and don't take any bulls**t. Yes maybe she did do something besides kissing and groping. I'm not sure I'd take bets that she didn't. But if she did you will eventually find out. You told her what you wanted, did you ask her what she wanted? If she doesn't want at least some of the things you want then you are again making circles. The ball is in her court. Now you will see what she does with it. BTW has she expressed that she loves you more than the AP? If she doesn't love you then don't stay. I wish you well.

[Mz. Pixie]

Contrary to what most are saying, I think you are handling things pretty well. Just keep the pressure on and don't take any bulls**t. Yes maybe she did do something besides kissing and groping. I'm not sure I'd take bets that she didn't. But if she did you will eventually find out. You told her what you wanted, did you ask her what she wanted? If she doesn't want at least some of the things you want then you are again making circles. The ball is in her court. Now you will see what she does with it. BTW has she expressed that she loves you more than the AP? If she doesn't love you then don't stay. I wish you well.

 

Wait? She said there was no sex??

 

Please tell me you don't believe that BD?

[oldlion]

Sorry...disregard my post. I posted it on the wrong thread.

[mikeylo]

It's the twisted cheater's mindset. The worse the act of betrayal, the more exciting the sex. They use the betrayed spouse as a prop to make the affair more thrilling. It's really hard for a moral and psychologically healthy person to understand, but it is what it is.

 

Wow ! Then does it mean that they despise their partner if they go to that extent ? How is the expectation of reconciliation even possible ?

 

It means they are that cruel , to mock in their partner's face ... What am I missing ? Can they take what they dish out ?

 

The WW really has to do a complete turn around overnight and prove to OP. But someone who is used to to have fun with other men , OP is going to be a boring man.

 

Anyway , OP, you haven't fallen to their lowest of low levels. It doesn't mean that you were happy in the relationship while she was going around the block. She showed you the side of herself that she wanted to show you to keep you around. Everyone has stresses and no , not everyone goes to have affairs.

[Trtroles]

She is miles ahead of you.

 

Dont hate me for saying this but you really need to open your eyes.

 

She is looking for another house to live. She asked for divorce and was ready to leave you for OM.

 

You still think she loves you but you are verry wrong.

 

She blames you for affaor of FOUR years. Her IC is supporting her and blames you too.

 

My opinion is this : she is still in contact with OM because he lives 5 miles away so this is why she went looking for a new house.

 

Her friends who supported her are still "there" and they are not your friends. They dont wish you good.

[Mz. Pixie]

Don't support her leaving you!

 

Remove her access to your money now.

She can keep hers but not savings. Lock them up tight until after the divorce depending on what the law is.

Document everything that you can prove.

Document her time she spent away from her kids pursuing her affair.

Pull phone records if you haven't.

 

Prepare for war.

 

She's looking for a place to live to continue her affair and it's not good for your marriage if you allow that.

 

If she wants to go she can but the kiddos remain in the home they had.

 

Make it hard for her. Stop falling for her tears. They are for herself.

[BetrayedDad]

Today is exactly 4 weeks since D-day.

 

Thank you for your comments. I do appreciate everyone's help.

 

For what it's worth, I'd like to clarify that the house hunting after our mediation consultation was my idea, although the houses we looked at were a couple that she previously found online. Either way, I think it was reasonable for her to look online to see what was available given our situation.

 

As far as money, property, etc, it looks like we are going to go the mediation route and try to be fair with each other. I don't want her stuff and she says she doesn't want mine. At this point, we are trying to handle this as two mature adults. We have also discussed possible custody arrangements...this is hard.

 

Right now, we have a lot of things to work out and I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

 

I still cry occasionally, but not everyday anymore...the first 2 weeks were the toughest and most emotional time in my life. I now sleep and eat well and have been exercising like crazy. I think this thread (all of you) and the exercise have helped me tremendously.

 

I hope one day my wife will understand that I truly started this thread for support and I didn't share this thread with her to punish her. I shared it to try to help her understand what I was thinking and feeling and how I could love someone with all my heart while at the same time want a divorce. It seems so counterintuitive.

Edited June 15, 2017 by BetrayedDad

[whichwayisup]

I hope one day my wife will understand that I truly started this thread for support and I didn't share this thread with her to punish her. I shared it to try to help her understand what I was thinking and feeling and how I could love someone with all my heart while at the same time want a divorce. It seems so counterintuitive.

 

The only time she'll "get it" and understand is when the day comes she realizes how selfish she was and stop playing the victim. Right now she's not in any mindset to take in what's been said on here, nor is she fully understanding the pain she's caused you. Sadly it's still all about her and she hasn't owned what she's done yet. I hope someday she will wake up and learn from this. With or without you, she'll grow from her horrible choices hopefully into a better person, better mother, better wife (to you or to someone else).

[Mz. Pixie]

Today is exactly 4 weeks since D-day.

 

Thank you for your comments. I do appreciate everyone's help.

 

For what it's worth, I'd like to clarify that the house hunting after our mediation consultation was my idea, although the houses we looked at were a couple that she previously found online. Either way, I think it was reasonable for her to look online to see what was available given our situation.

 

As far as money, property, etc, it looks like we are going to go the mediation route and try to be fair with each other. I don't want her stuff and she says she doesn't want mine. At this point, we are trying to handle this as two mature adults. We have also discussed possible custody arrangements...this is hard.

 

Right now, we have a lot of things to work out and I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

 

I still cry occasionally, but not everyday anymore...the first 2 weeks were the toughest and most emotional time in my life. I now sleep and eat well and have been exercising like crazy. I think this thread (all of you) and the exercise have helped me tremendously.

 

I hope one day my wife will understand that I truly started this thread for support and I didn't share this thread with her to punish her. I shared it to try to help her understand what I was thinking and feeling and how I could love someone with all my heart while at the same time want a divorce. It seems so counterintuitive.

 

Do you want to fight for your marriage???

 

Did you read the part about how women don't love men that they don't respect?

 

You are giving her exactly what she wants. And if that's what you want to then cool. Resign yourself to seeing your kids only half the time. I get it.

 

But if you want your marriage do not let her walk all over you!

[Friskyone4u]

I hope one day my wife will understand that I truly started this thread for support and I didn't share this thread with her to punish her. I shared it to try to help her understand what I was thinking and feeling and how I could love someone with all my heart while at the same time want a divorce. It seems so counterintuitive.

 

BD,

 

Why on earth do you give a damm about how she feels about you starting this thread. This woman crapped all over your marriage in every way possible for almost four years and you are still worrying about her.

 

heres what you can count on. if Om gets himself extricated or free, at some point she'll wind up right back in bed with him. There is absolutely nothing she has written that shows any sense of remorse for what she has done to you and your family. Its all about her.

You need to puke when you hear all this crap from her about how sorry she is. If you had not caught her she would probably be still banging him while we are responding to you.

 

She is flat out sorry she got caught and the disruption in her life that SHE has caused by her terrible behavior and that the facts buddy.

[Mz. Pixie]

I hope one day my wife will understand that I truly started this thread for support and I didn't share this thread with her to punish her. I shared it to try to help her understand what I was thinking and feeling and how I could love someone with all my heart while at the same time want a divorce. It seems so counterintuitive.

 

BD,

 

Why on earth do you give a damm about how she feels about you starting this thread. This woman crapped all over your marriage in every way possible for almost four years and you are still worrying about her.

 

heres what you can count on. if Om gets himself extricated or free, at some point she'll wind up right back in bed with him. There is absolutely nothing she has written that shows any sense of remorse for what she has done to you and your family. Its all about her.

You need to puke when you hear all this crap from her about how sorry she is. If you had not caught her she would probably be still banging him while we are responding to you.

 

She is flat out sorry she got caught and the disruption in her life that SHE has caused by her terrible behavior and that the facts buddy.

 

 

She has taught him her feelings are supreme. So he's responding in kind. It's the respect thing.

 

I meant to mention how he's feeling sorry for her.

 

They all say things like if you expose the affair I'm for sure divorcing you. And that they are sorry when really their tears are for themselves and not the BS.

[Furious]

 

I hope one day my wife will understand that I truly started this thread for support and I didn't share this thread with her to punish her.

 

I shared it to try to help her understand what I was thinking and feeling and how I could love someone with all my heart while at the same time want a divorce. It seems so counterintuitive.

 

 

BD

 

She's pissed you came here and she heard the truth about her character.

 

It's astounding that your anguish and pain barely entered her radar and she tried to kidnap your thread into all about how great a person she and how judgemental we are and how we assaulted her self esteem.

 

Her head is so far up her ass she's spinning and spewing that she's not been put on a pedestal here.

 

She tried her Sh*t on us with her whiny me...me....whoa is me.

 

What bothers her is you come up as the quality person and it's grates on her nerves that you are solid gold and she's gold plated.

 

She's a crap person, and you outshine her in every way.

 

She's in for a big surprise when her ego meets the real world after your divorce.

[Marc878]

Today is exactly 4 weeks since D-day.

 

Thank you for your comments. I do appreciate everyone's help.

 

For what it's worth, I'd like to clarify that the house hunting after our mediation consultation was my idea, although the houses we looked at were a couple that she previously found online. Either way, I think it was reasonable for her to look online to see what was available given our situation.

 

As far as money, property, etc, it looks like we are going to go the mediation route and try to be fair with each other. I don't want her stuff and she says she doesn't want mine. At this point, we are trying to handle this as two mature adults. We have also discussed possible custody arrangements...this is hard.

 

Right now, we have a lot of things to work out and I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

 

I still cry occasionally, but not everyday anymore...the first 2 weeks were the toughest and most emotional time in my life. I now sleep and eat well and have been exercising like crazy. I think this thread (all of you) and the exercise have helped me tremendously.

 

I hope one day my wife will understand that I truly started this thread for support and I didn't share this thread with her to punish her. I shared it to try to help her understand what I was thinking and feeling and how I could love someone with all my heart while at the same time want a divorce. It seems so counterintuitive.

 

My friend it's whatever helps you at this time. Do you think she was worried having a long term affair behind your back might hurt your feelings?

[Trtroles]

You are probably going to hate me. Some guy with broken English.

I have been in your shoes so I am speaking with you like my own brother.

 

Dont trust her. You cant trust her.

 

She will rape you. She is going to take whatever she can. Do you really want to see your kids on Christmas,New Year ... ? If she loved you,respected you she would never cheat on you for FOUR years.

 

You are letting her walk all over you.

 

You dont comfort her. She cheated and it is on her. You are not to blame,it is on her.

[Trtroles]

I'm in pretty good shape (completed 2 full Ironman triathlons and a handful of marathons), look young for my age (I still get carded), make 6 figures, coached my son's t-ball team, was my other son's Cub Scout den leader, I'm a volunteer firefighter.

 

If I was a woman ...hmm. Better prepare yourself because once the word goes out that you are getting rid of cheating wife

 

On the other hand life for your wife is going to get a lot worse. A good,honest men will never go for a cheating wife and she will have to deal with all types of men-including her OM.

[BetrayedDad]

Today is 5 weeks since I found out about my wife's 4-year affair. We had a mediation consultation last week and started mediation 2 days ago. We go back again next week. We are both trying to be agreeable and fair with each other and it sounds like our divorce may end up being a relatively quick process.

 

We still need to figure out what to tell our kids. As far as I can tell, they do not know what's going on. We are hoping that having the divorce now will give the kids some time to adjust before going back to school in the Fall.

 

I'd like to thank everyone that contributed to this thread. Your comments allowed me to look at my situation from many different perspectives and helped me get through THE lowest point in my entire life. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm back to eating, sleeping, and exercising regularly. I still cry occasionally but I believe that will continue to diminish over time...similar to the grieving process after losing a loved one.

 

One of the things that surprised me the most in this experience is the level of hurt. For comparison, I cried when my father passed away, but the level of hurt and loss did not even come close to the pain I have been experiencing from my wife's affair. It is not only the feeling of losing someone that I love so much, but it also has a long-term affect on my ability to trust others. I would not wish this on anyone.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

One of the things that surprised me the most in this experience is the level of hurt. For comparison, I cried when my father passed away, but the level of hurt and loss did not even come close to the pain I have been experiencing from my wife's affair. It is not only the feeling of losing someone that I love so much, but it also has a long-term affect on my ability to trust others. I would not wish this on anyone.

 

When your father died, there was not a betrayal involved (I assume). It's a whole different kind of hurt. (My dad died of a sudden heart attack about a year before my marriage went down the tubes due to my ex-husband's cheating, so I totally get what you mean).

 

Sounds like things are going as well as they possible can given the circumstances. My best wishes are with you as you tell your children. Never an easy job.

 

Hang in there, and don't be a stranger.

[Bigdaddyt]

Betrayeddad, Betrayal takes a long time to heal from. It has taken me years and I am much better. Your Wife will spend her time replaying all of the pain that she caused you and your children and she will have to face her own demons. I have never met a cheater that was ever truly happy. Nothing is ever what they want they are never satisfied. You kept your honor and you are a great person. She cannot say the same, even when she acts like it isn't bothering her, trust me it is. She will always know that she betrayed not just you but the children. You will be able to heal and move on quicker than she will. You are doing great, wish you a happy future.