whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Today is 5 weeks since I found out about my wife's 4-year affair. We had a mediation consultation last week and started mediation 2 days ago. We go back again next week. We are both trying to be agreeable and fair with each other and it sounds like our divorce may end up being a relatively quick process. We still need to figure out what to tell our kids. As far as I can tell, they do not know what's going on. We are hoping that having the divorce now will give the kids some time to adjust before going back to school in the Fall. I'd like to thank everyone that contributed to this thread. Your comments allowed me to look at my situation from many different perspectives and helped me get through THE lowest point in my entire life. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm back to eating, sleeping, and exercising regularly. I still cry occasionally but I believe that will continue to diminish over time...similar to the grieving process after losing a loved one. One of the things that surprised me the most in this experience is the level of hurt. For comparison, I cried when my father passed away, but the level of hurt and loss did not even come close to the pain I have been experiencing from my wife's affair. It is not only the feeling of losing someone that I love so much, but it also has a long-term affect on my ability to trust others. I would not wish this on anyone. Family counseling is how you help the kids adjust. Always make sure they know they are loved by both of you and that's never going to change. That the D has nothing to do with them. You all are still a family unit just soon not under one roof. Time is on your side and it may take a long time for you to learn to trust a woman again but you'll get there someday. Don't let past hurts ruin any future relationships, that gives your soon to be ex power. Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 . but it also has a long-term affect on my ability to trust others. This will take a very long time. You might one day find someone whom you will just trust and it will work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 (edited) We still need to figure out what to tell our kids. They are innocent victims of your wife's actions as much as you are. How you tell them is probably dependent on their age. If they are older, not much else you can do but be honest about it. Your STBXW's actions are something she will have to find a way to explain to them. This will add to her shame in a way that will crush her like a ton of bricks, that is, if she has any conscience. As for you, IMO, it is best to forgive her completely once the D is complete. Be a perfect gentleman and treat her with respect. Sounds counter-intuitive, but that will allow you to heal and flush away bitterness that would only hurt you more than her in the long run. Glad to hear you are doing better. Once you are ready, enjoy yourself, and have some guilt-free fun by getting your hands on some attractive women! Edited June 22, 2017 by Zona 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Does this bother your wife at all about the D? She may be sorry, but is she remoresful? She should tell your kids that she murdered your marriage with her A. Maybe use less painful words but that is the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Today is 5 weeks since I found out about my wife's 4-year affair. We had a mediation consultation last week and started mediation 2 days ago. We go back again next week. We are both trying to be agreeable and fair with each other and it sounds like our divorce may end up being a relatively quick process. We still need to figure out what to tell our kids. As far as I can tell, they do not know what's going on. We are hoping that having the divorce now will give the kids some time to adjust before going back to school in the Fall. I'd like to thank everyone that contributed to this thread. Your comments allowed me to look at my situation from many different perspectives and helped me get through THE lowest point in my entire life. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm back to eating, sleeping, and exercising regularly. I still cry occasionally but I believe that will continue to diminish over time...similar to the grieving process after losing a loved one. One of the things that surprised me the most in this experience is the level of hurt. For comparison, I cried when my father passed away, but the level of hurt and loss did not even come close to the pain I have been experiencing from my wife's affair. It is not only the feeling of losing someone that I love so much, but it also has a long-term affect on my ability to trust others. I would not wish this on anyone. You're grieving the death of your marriage which is more hurtful than the death of a close relative. Don't lie to your kids. Tell them the truth in a sanitized version. Kids are smart but sometimes in these situations they'll try and blame themselves. Don't let that happen. Your wife will be against the truth but that's the consequences she needs to deal with. They are your kids too. Stand up and do what's right 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WilyWill Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I look forward to your post one year from now, where you tell us how great your life is going and how you wish you'd discovered your wife's affair earlier and divorced then. This is typically what happens to guys in your situation. Make sure you tell us about the sweet new girl you've been dating too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Does this bother your wife at all about the D? She may be sorry, but is she remoresful? She should tell your kids that she murdered your marriage with her A. Maybe use less painful words but that is the case. BD has about as much chance as an ice cube in hell of his wife telling the kids she is the one who blew up their family all by herself. Remember, in her head she is the victim here of all of the mean people whose opinions she did not like. Betrayed Dad, five weeks ago you got lucky and caught her or while you are signed on reading this she would still be cheating on you. This was no ONS or even short fling. It was years of betrayal. Time will heal you and it will be a lot better than wondering everytime you leave gather house if she "accidentally" forgets to avoid him. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Tell you kids the truth. Age appropriate. Talk with your wife about it and let her tell the kids with you there. She needs to own up what she has done to family and take responsibility for it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 BD, I don't know if you would find comfort in statistics, but the best research to date says that about 14% of women cheat at some point in their married life. That means the chance of having two cheating wives in a row is (.14 x .14), or roughly 2%. Almost a statistical certainty that this will never happen to you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 BD, I don't know if you would find comfort in statistics, but the best research to date says that about 14% of women cheat at some point in their married life. That means the chance of having two cheating wives in a row is (.14 x .14), or roughly 2%. Almost a statistical certainty that this will never happen to you again. Not sure about those statistics but the chances out would go on for four years are probably lower than Zona points out. She did not have an affair. She was basically married to two men, but only one man knew that and it was not you. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 You need to tell the kids. How old are they? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BetrayedDad Posted June 23, 2017 Author Share Posted June 23, 2017 You need to tell the kids. How old are they? My boys are 8 and 10. Link to post Share on other sites
Bigdaddyt Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 BetrayedDad, I believe that I would not tell the children of your wife's adulterous affair and betrayal, they are simply too young. I would tell the wife that in the future you are going to tell them, when they are old enough to handle this. I would encourage you to do the 180 and disengage from your WW as much as is possible. This is for your healing not hers. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 (edited) My boys are 8 and 10. That's really heartbreaking. How your STBXW could do this to them. Make sure they understand that none of this is their fault in any way shape or form. I'm going to have to stop coming to this forum. Reading the stories is like looking at grisly crime scene photos, and has the same psychological effects of you. The pain cheaters are willing to selfishly inflict on their families is just too much. Edited June 23, 2017 by Zona 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 BetrayedDad, I believe that I would not tell the children of your wife's adulterous affair and betrayal, they are simply too young. I would tell the wife that in the future you are going to tell them, when they are old enough to handle this. I would encourage you to do the 180 and disengage from your WW as much as is possible. This is for your healing not hers. I agree with this. And, if you do feel like you have to tell them now or they are the type of children who need a reason, keep it simple such as, "Mom decided she loves someone else more than she loves me." No need to talk about sex at all at those ages in my opinion. Or even cheating. They will put two and two together at a later date. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I agree with this. And, if you do feel like you have to tell them now or they are the type of children who need a reason, keep it simple such as, "Mom decided she loves someone else more than she loves me." No need to talk about sex at all at those ages in my opinion. Or even cheating. They will put two and two together at a later date. Yeah. Or something like "Mommy did something that hurt me very deeply, so deeply that she and I cannot make it right again. So we have decided not to be married anymore." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 BD you can not white wash this for your boys sake. They need to know the truth of what their mother did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 BD you can not white wash this for your boys sake. They need to know the truth of what their mother did. Why do you feel they need to know? Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 An 8 and 10yo do not need to know their mom was sleeping around. No child should have to sit and listen to that. All they need to know is their mom and their dad love them. And just because mom and dad don't want to be married anymore doesn't mean they don't want to be mom and dad. The only thing the kids need to know is how much their parents love them and that that wont change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bigdaddyt Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 BD you can not white wash this for your boys sake. They need to know the truth of what their mother did. usa1ah, It is not a matter of whitewashing this betrayal, it is about protecting the innocent and not allowing the WW bad choices make these children suffer and grow up thinking that all Women are liars and cheaters. They are in their formidable years and this could scar them. Telling the WW that you will tell them in the future will absolutely torture her Conscience . BD just move yourself and your children from this infidelity. The best revenge is living well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 An 8 and 10yo do not need to know their mom was sleeping around. No child should have to sit and listen to that. All they need to know is their mom and their dad love them. And just because mom and dad don't want to be married anymore doesn't mean they don't want to be mom and dad. The only thing the kids need to know is how much their parents love them and that that wont change. Yep. Never put adult sized problems on a child. No child should have grown-up issues thrust upon them in my opinion. As hard as it is, it's not about what's "fair." It's always, 100% of the time, what is BEST for the children. Now, if WW starts to tell the children that it was somehow Betrayed Dad's fault and throws him under the bus..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 usa1ah, It is not a matter of whitewashing this betrayal, it is about protecting the innocent and not allowing the WW bad choices make these children suffer and grow up thinking that all Women are liars and cheaters. They are in their formidable years and this could scar them. Telling the WW that you will tell them in the future will absolutely torture her Conscience . BD just move yourself and your children from this infidelity. The best revenge is living well. Not to mention taint their relationship with their mother. Does WW deserve to have her kids not know the truth yet? Nope. But the kids deserve to have the best possible relationship with both parents. I always say as hard as it is for me to see my kids' dad "getting away with it" in the kids' eyes, they STILL deserve to think their daddy hung the moon (I saw with gritted teeth, but it's true). (My kids are teenagers now, so now they do know some of what went on, but they were OP's kids' ages when we split, so they did not know then.....but they asked all the time, especially the older one). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 IMO it's never ok to lie to your kids. I've seen this play out before. It just causes long term damage. They end up not knowing who to trust. Most think they are protecting them when the simple truth in a sanitized way solves a lot of issues. Living and hiding the truth from your kids whose world is about to change is very doormatish behavior. Is that what you really want to teach them? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Kids are smarter than you think. They sometimes believe it's their fault. Don't let that happen 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 My boys are 8 and 10. Age Appropriate Exposure: Son's, married moms and dads do not have BF/GF and go out on dates with them. Well mom has a BF and has been going out on dates with him. Her BF's name is __________. What mom is doing is known as having an affair and or cheating. Exposure is done. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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