17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[ericsvibe]

As someone who is going through this as well, I feel for you. At least your wife has admitted. My wife has continued to lie about the affair(she denies everything), and is continuing an EA which she thinks I'm too stupid to find out about. I am going the marriage counseling route because it is required in my state. You can look at my post history to see my sad story. I never knew someone could be so cold hearted to just lie in the face of someone they are supposed to love, year after year, while they laugh in secret behind your back. Just think about that, because that is what happened. There is no way I can forgive her, I have to just play along until she gets her degree so she can support herself. That will be when the bomb will drop.

 

 

I second not telling the kids until they start dating themselves, they have no idea what betrayal feels like. Once they are old enough to start loving someone that isn't family, they will be able to understand how you felt. Make sure you insist on shared physical/legal custody. It will prevent her from running off with the kids.

 

 

My wife was willing to throw away 13 years, 4 kids, our entire life, and has blamed me for every problem we have. Get a gym membership, I have lost 25 lbs, and feel better than I ever have. Believe me, pain is a great motivator.

[Marc878]

Age Appropriate Exposure:

 

Son's, married moms and dads do not have BF/GF and go out on

dates with them.

 

Well mom has a BF and has been going out on dates with him.

 

Her BF's name is __________.

 

What mom is doing is known as having an affair and or cheating.

 

Exposure is done.

 

Perfect way to do it. Thus will take a load of their shoulders. They don't need to be kept in the dark wondering what's destroyed their world.

 

If you were them what would you think about being lied to or kept in the dark?

[Marc878]

As someone who is going through this as well, I feel for you. At least your wife has admitted. My wife has continued to lie about the affair(she denies everything), and is continuing an EA which she thinks I'm too stupid to find out about. I am going the marriage counseling route because it is required in my state. You can look at my post history to see my sad story. I never knew someone could be so cold hearted to just lie in the face of someone they are supposed to love, year after year, while they laugh in secret behind your back. Just think about that, because that is what happened. There is no way I can forgive her, I have to just play along until she gets her degree so she can support herself. That will be when the bomb will drop.

 

 

I second not telling the kids until they start dating themselves, they have no idea what betrayal feels like. Once they are old enough to start loving someone that isn't family, they will be able to understand how you felt. Make sure you insist on shared physical/legal custody. It will prevent her from running off with the kids.

 

 

My wife was willing to throw away 13 years, 4 kids, our entire life, and has blamed me for every problem we have. Get a gym membership, I have lost 25 lbs, and feel better than I ever have. Believe me, pain is a great motivator.

 

Letting them linger in the dark not knowing what is going on as their world changes dramatically is just prolonging their anxiety.

 

It's always better to know than not know. Then you can at least deal with a known vs having to guess and wonder.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Perfect way to do it. Thus will take a load of their shoulders. They don't need to be kept in the dark wondering what's destroyed their world.

 

If you were them what would you think about being lied to or kept in the dark?

 

I don't think anyone is suggesting lying to children. If kids ask specific questions, depending on their age and maturity, there are ways to answer without lying. Such as, "ya know what? Sometimes grown-up problems are just too confusing for kids to understand. When you get a little older, I'll probably decide that you'd understand knowing more. For now, the important thing to know is.....xyz."

[Marc878]

I don't think anyone is suggesting lying to children. If kids ask specific questions, depending on their age and maturity, there are ways to answer without lying. Such as, "ya know what? Sometimes grown-up problems are just too confusing for kids to understand. When you get a little older, I'll probably decide that you'd understand knowing more. For now, the important thing to know is.....xyz."

 

Not telling them the truth or keeping them in the dark is what?

[Trtroles]

Reading your update makes me sad. It is like like I am going through this once again. I know your pain and I really wish you the best.

 

You will be alright,trust me. Time heals all wounds. Someday you will have a good laugh about your situation. I know I did. Sometimes I even felt ashamed because I lost myself and let her walk all over me and my kids.

 

Your kids have a good dad. Tell them about her affair later on.

 

Somethings to look and work :

-spend time with your kids

-friends who supported her during affair are not your friends. Get rid of them.

-get your kids a nice therapist. This will help them to adjust before school starts

-dont "lock yourself". Go out and play sport,go hiking,go for a drink with a close friend,family member just do be alone

 

I hate to say this but dont trust your wife. Always be prepared. What worries me is this thread -- she knows what are you thinking and what your next move is going to be.

 

Take care.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Not telling them the truth or keeping them in the dark is what?

 

The truth doesn't have to mean "the whole entire story." Lies don't need to be told at all. If one of the kids says, "Did one of you cheat on the other one?" then of course answer that with a yes. I'd start with as little info. as possible so as to not give little children adult-sized issues to deal with. If the parents is intuitive enough, they will be able to tell if the child is sensing hurt or feeling insecure or lied to, and they can give more information to ease that feeling. I just wouldn't start off with the whole story because you can't take it back if it's too much for their innocent little souls.

[BetrayedDad]

At this point, I have no intention of telling my boys about my wife's affair. I agree that they are too young and I would not want them to feel guilty for loving their own mother. I also want to minimize the psychological affect that our divorce will have on them.

 

Years from now, they will eventually know the truth and I want to lead by example and show them how a man responsibly handles adversity without compromising his morality.

[Marc878]

The truth doesn't have to mean "the whole entire story." Lies don't need to be told at all. If one of the kids says, "Did one of you cheat on the other one?" then of course answer that with a yes. I'd start with as little info. as possible so as to not give little children adult-sized issues to deal with. If the parents is intuitive enough, they will be able to tell if the child is sensing hurt or feeling insecure or lied to, and they can give more information to ease that feeling. I just wouldn't start off with the whole story because you can't take it back if it's too much for their innocent little souls.

 

Anyone even kids at this age can deal better with a known than with an unknown.

 

The unknown causes anxiety and has them trying to figure out on their own what's going on which can be damaging.

 

Kids aren't stupid. They see and sense a lot.

 

The truth in a sanitized way fixes a lot of things.

 

Kids learn the most from their parents. How you handle things is how they learn.

 

A friend of mine did the "keep them in the dark" thing to his everlasting regret.

 

Their mother introduced them to the other man two weeks after separating. Told them not to tell their father as it would hurt him. They had to live with that for months before finding out the whole truth.

 

In essence they were taught it's ok to cheat on your spouse and it's ok to lie.

 

IMO very stupid parenting

[Marc878]

At this point, I have no intention of telling my boys about my wife's affair. I agree that they are too young and I would not want them to feel guilty for loving their own mother. I also want to minimize the psychological affect that our divorce will have on them.

 

Years from now, they will eventually know the truth and I want to lead by example and show them how a man responsibly handles adversity without compromising his morality.

 

Be careful what you're teaching them

[Marc878]

At this point, I have no intention of telling my boys about my wife's affair. I agree that they are too young and I would not want them to feel guilty for loving their own mother. I also want to minimize the psychological affect that our divorce will have on them.

 

Years from now, they will eventually know the truth and I want to lead by example and show them how a man responsibly handles adversity without compromising his morality.

 

 

Definition of morality - principles concerning the distinction between right and wrong or good and bad behavior.

[BetrayedDad]

Just to clarify, I currently have no idea exactly what my wife and I are going to tell our kids. I will be researching this topic and putting a lot of thought into it before we communicate anything to them. I can imagine the impact it will have on them and want to make sure that we do it in the best way possible.

[Marc878]

Just to clarify, I currently have no idea exactly what my wife and I are going to tell our kids. I will be researching this topic and putting a lot of thought into it before we communicate anything to them. I can imagine the impact it will have on them and want to make sure that we do it in the best way possible.

 

Smart move. How you handle this can be paramount. Take some time and think this through.

 

You are their father and you should do what you think is in their best interest.

 

Long term how you raise and parent them will affect to some extent what type of adults they turn out to be.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Just to clarify, I currently have no idea exactly what my wife and I are going to tell our kids. I will be researching this topic and putting a lot of thought into it before we communicate anything to them. I can imagine the impact it will have on them and want to make sure that we do it in the best way possible.

 

Just don't let her weasel out of being there like my cheating ex-husband did. He refused to be a part of the discussion and made me tell my kids alone.

[Marc878]

Just don't let her weasel out of being there like my cheating ex-husband did. He refused to be a part of the discussion and made me tell my kids alone.

 

Jeeze how cowardly. Be very glad he's an X

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Jeeze how cowardly. Be very glad he's an X

 

Every day.

[Mr Blunt]

What is of paramount importance right now is to make doubly sure that the children know that BOTH parents LOVE THEM and the tension and stress within mommy and daddy it is NO WAY THEIR FAULT!...What is best for the innocent children trumps all other concerns.

[DKT3]

I'm not saying tell them or not. I will share Abit of my experience. My son was in that same range, when I filed for divorce I told him that daddy could not live here anymore it was my fault and it's not what mom wants....for years we thought it was fine. Then boom it all blew up. I wont say he hates his mom, but it challenging to say the least. The problem, young doesn't mean stupid or clueless. As my son matured he started to put the pieces together. Now he has this picture that isn't accurate. Point is, there is a real danger in assuming they don't know more than you think. You can never be sure what they heard or saw. My son knew alot but didn't understand. As time passed he connected the dots. Now as he closes in on college and leaving the nest he is angry..

 

It's a bad situation with really no way of knowing how best to handle it.

[whichwayisup]

At this point, I have no intention of telling my boys about my wife's affair. I agree that they are too young and I would not want them to feel guilty for loving their own mother. I also want to minimize the psychological affect that our divorce will have on them.

 

Years from now, they will eventually know the truth and I want to lead by example and show them how a man responsibly handles adversity without compromising his morality.

 

Best to do it that way. No need to add more into what is going to be difficult enough for them.

 

Family counseling can help them adjust and speak about how they feel in a safe place. Also will help (go first with your wife) how you two are going to tell the kids..

[Furious]

Just to clarify, I currently have no idea exactly what my wife and I are going to tell our kids. I will be researching this topic and putting a lot of thought into it before we communicate anything to them. I can imagine the impact it will have on them and want to make sure that we do it in the best way possible.

 

 

BD

 

I'm sure your boys feel there's something wrong with Mom and Dad.

 

Even though you and your wife believe you've been careful and sticking to your routine with them, kids often overhear things sometimes by accident. Sometimes kids even secretly eavesdrop because they're worried.

 

I think it's best to take them to family counselling and get them to open up about what they may or may not know and address it in a child appropriate manner.

 

So heartbreaking that children pay a price for the actions of adults.

 

Keep strong BD, one day at a time.

[Zona]

Well, the elephant in the room is that they have a mother who thinks it's OK to "follow your heart" and hook up with a married man as she did, and hide it and lie about it for 4 years (plus all the other ugly stuff I won't mention).

 

Would she tell your boys that marriage vows really don't mean until death do you part, but until someone who seems better or more exciting comes along? Would she want her boys to do that to the women they marry and that she considers it perfectly fine?

 

You and your STBXW have a completely different view of marriage. I think you need to be clear with them that your view is the right one.

 

As to when you broach the subject? That's a tough one. I would say sooner rather than later, as they are still in the formative years. You don't want to give them the impression that it was no big deal how the adultery tore the family apart. By excessively sugar coating it, you could inadvertently send the wrong message.

Edited June 23, 2017 by Zona

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, the elephant in the room is that they have a mother who thinks it's OK to "follow your heart" and hook up with a married man as she did, and hide it and lie about it for 4 years (plus all the other ugly stuff I won't mention).

 

Would she tell your boys that marriage vows really don't mean until death do you part, but until someone who seems better or more exciting comes along? Would she want her boys to do that to the women they marry and that she considers it perfectly fine?

 

You and your STBXW have a completely different view of marriage. I think you need to be clear with them that your view is the right one.

 

As to when you broach the subject? That's a tough one. I would say sooner rather than later, as they are still in the formative years. You don't want to give them the impression that it was no big deal how the adultery tore the family apart. By excessively sugar coating it, you could inadvertently send the wrong message.

 

I have to admit that I do worry about this with my own children, especially since NONE of the married men in our family have been 100% faithful, including my own father (although they don't know that and now he is dead).

 

There's a fine line between being strong and letting them know how wrong it was/how much it destroyed you. But, I do think the latter part can come later, as they mature. I'll often work betrayal/cheating into other conversations just so I CAN drive home the point that fidelity IS very important. For example, I have a friend whose 3 teens want nothing to do with their father because he cheated on their mother (they are divorcing). When my kids have asked me why the kids are so mad at their dad I say matter-of-factly, "well, he cheated on their mom so they are very angry at him." I don't say it in a way that makes MY kids feel bad for still having a great relationship with THEIR cheating father (my kids are teens now and have a basic understanding that he cheated although they don't know the details), but I absolutely want them to know it is a very, very bad thing.

 

As they get older and start dating/getting into relationships, I plan to be very intentional about the topic with them and have many conversations about faithfulness and fidelity, sortof like I do now about online relationships/catfishing/apps/kidnappings (I watch a lot of ID).

 

I often feel quite sad that my kids will not have a good marriage after which to model their own future relationships.

[BluesPower]

Not to beat a dead horse...

 

My kids are from 20 to 27 now. I have no idea if I handled the divorce properly.

 

They were put through hell with their mother, her affairs and her drug addiction. My daughter relayed a story to me, when we were talking about her issues, about trying to convince her mother not to drive because she was wasted.

 

I feel guilty for not divorcing her so much sooner. I feel like I was a fool and I put my children in potential danger.

 

The other side is that there was not guarantee that I would get full custody of my children if I divorced and they were younger.

 

So it was a catch 22, and god forgive me I loved her as well, I was just such a fool.

 

They all have some issues from those time but they are all fairly healthy...

[road]

Not telling them the truth or keeping them in the dark is what?

 

It is lying to them. Lying by omission.

[road]

Anyone even kids at this age can deal better with a known than with an unknown.

 

The unknown causes anxiety and has them trying to figure out on their own what's going on which can be damaging.

 

Kids aren't stupid. They see and sense a lot.

 

The truth in a sanitized way fixes a lot of things.

 

Kids learn the most from their parents. How you handle things is how they learn.

 

A friend of mine did the "keep them in the dark" thing to his everlasting regret.

 

Their mother introduced them to the other man two weeks after separating. Told them not to tell their father as it would hurt him. They had to live with that for months before finding out the whole truth.

 

In essence they were taught it's ok to cheat on your spouse and it's ok to lie.

 

IMO very stupid parenting

 

Not only does this prove the old saying that the truth will set one free.

Having the truth is needed for the kids to be able to protect themselves.