17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[mercy]

I will not come back to this forum again.

 

I think you will.

 

If you want him, fight for him. But fight for him because you love him.

 

Read his posts, 'hear' his pain, forget everyone else.

[Furious]

Your wife's post was all about herself and she's a very angry person and her jab at betrayed spouses is quite telling as to her frame of mind.

 

The part about telling you a year ago she wanted marriage counselling and blaming you for not wanting go is so screwed up. Good thing you said no, she had no intention to be truthful and drag you to marriage counselling under false pretence. Thank goodness she didn't put you through a year of MC only to find out it was all a lie.

 

It's a good thing she's found an IC but you must also get IC. At this point she's stuck in the victim mentality.

Edited June 9, 2017 by Furious

[Friskyone4u]

The 'wayward spouse' here.

 

Yes I have read all your replies. Those to his side of the story and without any of you knowing a shred about me. I cannot put into words how incredibly hurtful it has been to see this. My self esteem is absolutely shattered.

 

To those who said I need to 'get a job':

 

I'm a full time RN in the EP lab at a big cardiac hospital. Google it if you don't know what that means. To say it's high stress is putting it mildly. I regularly don't get a lunch break until 2pm. Yes I was per diem for many years but that was a decision we both made so that I could be home with them while they were young. I have never been unemployed.

 

To those who say I don't care about my kids:

 

I love them more than anything and I would die for them. Breastfeeding with my second was a significant struggle but I refused to give up because I knew it was best. You have no idea how sleep deprived I was, but I wanted the best for my son. I toughed it out and he was never fed formula. I nursed him until he was 14 months old. I cooked majority of the meals, did the laundry, house cleaning, paid all the bills. I kept up with all their school obligations as best as I could.

 

To those who say it isn't my first rodeo:

 

It was and it will be my last. No matter the outcome of our future I will never do this again. It's not worth it.

 

To those who say I'm still in contact with the AP:

 

There has been zero contact and I ended the physical affair several months ago. I have zero desire to ever talk to him again. Because we live close by I have made a conscious effort to avoid running into him again. So far I've been successful. My husband has full access to my phone, iPad, social media, etc. I am not hiding anything anymore.

 

I made multiple attempts to contact a psychologist. After calls and emails I was told by two local therapists that they were 'sorry' but they were all booked up. A year ago I mentioned to my husband I wanted marital counseling but he declined. In my job I can only imagine the ramifications if we told a patient 'sorry you can't get a pacemaker today' or 'I'm sorry we are all out of implanted defibrillators so can you just stop having your runs of ventricular tachycardia?' I realize that the two situations are not the same but the frustration is equal.

 

I took off my wedding ring last night because I felt that he had given up. I went to work without wearing it for the first time ever today. I felt naked without it. This afternoon he messaged me that he had finally found a counselor. I called her right away and made an appt. I know I have personal issues and I have honestly had suicidal thoughts at times. The things you guys have said here about someone you have never met have been extremely hurtful. I actually cut my arm last week. That's how much I hate what I have done to my husband and my family.

 

Despite what all of you think, I love my husband. He didn't deserve any of the hurt I caused. I own that and will for the rest of my life. He is a wonderful father to our boys. I don't know what our future holds at this point. My plan is to make the right choices going forward and hope that God will forgive me. And to be the best mom I can be for my kids.

 

To all of you....I don't think you realize the impact your words can have on someone. Or how inaccessible mental health counseling can be. I now know after the struggle trying to get counseling. Please keep in mind in future posts the impact your words might have on someone who is struggling. There are always 2 sides to every story. I am not at all condoning my choice. I understand most of you were on the receiving end and none of you deserved it. I do believe that everyone deserves a second chance though. Good people make bad choices. I will pay th price of mine forever.

 

I will not come back to this forum again. The only reason I know about it is that my husband shared his post with me. I can only imagine the replies that my post will get and honestly my heart can't take it. I wish the best to all of you as I understand you wouldn't be here unless you have experienced your own heartache. Regards, the wayward spouse.

 

Now that would make a compelling post from a woman who had a ONS or brief fling. Three to four years of lying, deceit and betrayal and all we hear about is this poor snowflake victim. And so the affair stopped maybe, but it stopped and started numerous times during the last four years. And she has avoided OM, who lives minutes away for a few weeks. Bravo!!! Guess she gets a medal for that one.

 

BD, when a group of strangers on the internet all read the same story and almost 90% of them reach the same conclusion, the group is almost always never wrong. So despite what your wife says, you can reconcile if you want to but if you do not polygraph her in the future you are one naive dude.

 

And in case she reads this. Her victim statement is bull ****. And if she is lucky enough to keep you around she ought to be dragging you into the polygraph examiners office quarterly with this OM a short walk away after four years of banging him. My guess is that will not happen, and no therapist is going to fix this anytime quick.

[Marc878]

Your wife's post was all about herself and she's a very angry person and her jab at betrayed spouses is quite telling as to her frame of mind.

 

The part about telling you a year ago she wanted marriage counselling and blaming you for not wanting go is so screwed up. Good thing you said no, she had no intention to be truthful and drag you to marriage counselling under false pretence. Thank goodness she didn't put you through a year of MC only to find out it was all a lie.

 

It's a good thing she's found an IC but you must also get IC. At this point she's stuck in the victim mentality.

 

Manipulative. You would have gotten all the blame for the marriage. Think back she did try and blame you for the affair.

 

MC during an active affair is worthless at best but probably would've been destructive to you.

 

It may have even been to pave the way for her exit.

 

Better get strong man

[Overtaxed]

To all of you....I don't think you realize the impact your words can have on someone. Or how inaccessible mental health counseling can be. I now know after the struggle trying to get counseling. Please keep in mind in future posts the impact your words might have on someone who is struggling. There are always 2 sides to every story. I am not at all condoning my choice. I understand most of you were on the receiving end and none of you deserved it. I do believe that everyone deserves a second chance though. Good people make bad choices. I will pay th price of mine forever.

 

I will not come back to this forum again. The only reason I know about it is that my husband shared his post with me. I can only imagine the replies that my post will get and honestly my heart can't take it. I wish the best to all of you as I understand you wouldn't be here unless you have experienced your own heartache. Regards, the wayward spouse.

 

First off, let me say, it was brave of you to post here.

 

Now, and I hope you read this or your husband tell you what I (and I'm sure others) will say. You need to stop thinking about the the "price you will pay". Because the price your husband is paying is so much greater that I suspect you can't even imagine it. Even if you wind up divorced, your "share" of this pain is minuscule compared to his. Yes, eventually you may come to know remorse and real empathy and get an inkling of his pain. But you're nowhere near that today, not even in the zip code.

 

You have to work twice as hard to fix this as you did to have the A. Let that sink in. Remember all the lies, all the stolen moments, all the rearranged schedules to have an A? Well, you need to do twice as much to win your husband back. If you want to see a professional (which I think is a good idea), start calling at 8AM and don't stop until 5PM. Take the day off work and do nothing but call and call, find someone who will see you, even if they are 100 miles away. Make arrangements to get there. You made arrangements to see the AP, shouldn't be all that difficult to do the same to get to a psych.

 

When I read your post, I see someone who's doing the surface level "right stuff" but you're not digging deep enough. Don't give up. If your husband needs something, truth, time to vent, wants you to come here and post.. Do it. Not tomorrow, not a month from now. Do it tonight. And be sincere. If he's asking you to come here (something I also asked my WW to do), get involved, start posting, find help from other people in your situation. Don't "hit and run" post. If he's reading a book, read 2. If he's trying to set dates to reconnect with you, make yourself available. You made yourself available for the AP, you should be twice as available for your husband.

 

As the wayward, the majority of the work is yours to do. Your the only person who can do it, and, if you don't, your husband won't heal at all, or he won't heal as quickly as he can with someone who wants to learn and help him. Why did this happen. Why did it go on for so long. What was missing? Do I love either of them? Help him understand the answers to these questions so that he can make a decision for himself.

 

I wish you the best of luck; the most positive sign in this entire thread is you coming here to post. Please don't stop. Yes, we can be very harsh on waywards. You deserve it. But if you come here and are taking steps to help him heal, I can promise you, the chorus of "divorce her" will stop. It will; because, the situation has changed, your doing the work to try to fix the damage you did. Is this the only way? Absolutely not; but, if he asked you to come here, it's because he thought it was important for him and you to heal.

 

Your A was very long term. There's a lot of wreckage you're going to need to work through with him. You'll talk about nothing but the A for months, maybe years. It's not because he wants to leave. Leaving is easy. Fixing this is not. If he's willing to try, it's because he's deeply in love with you. Make sure that doesn't go lost on you; the default reaction for men in this situation is "call a lawyer and throw her out". He didn't do that, which speaks volumes to how he feels about you. Use that as the base to open up to him and evaluate independently your options.

[WilyWill]

Another self-absorbed, selfish, me-me-me wayward. Concerned primarily about how she's been wronged. Cry me a river. The tone of her email shows that she's nowhere near developing the skills and introspection necessary to have a healthy relationship. Move on, OP.

[whichwayisup]

No, we were at our younger son's little league game when I noticed it and our 10yr old was sitting between us so I didn't want to say anything. I motioned to her but she didn't understand what I was trying to point out. We haven't been alone yet to talk about it, but at this point, she'll probably end up reading this post first anyway. She hates that I post here, but I have nobody to vent to and I appreciate the feedback I receive here.

 

She hates it because she probably won't like what she reads and will have to face her own issues and see how broken she is. That and she gets to read about YOUR pain that she's inflicted upon you. Though I'm sure she's seen your pain up close...

[whichwayisup]

The 'wayward spouse' here.

 

Yes I have read all your replies. Those to his side of the story and without any of you knowing a shred about me. I cannot put into words how incredibly hurtful it has been to see this. My self esteem is absolutely shattered.

 

To those who said I need to 'get a job':

 

I'm a full time RN in the EP lab at a big cardiac hospital. Google it if you don't know what that means. To say it's high stress is putting it mildly. I regularly don't get a lunch break until 2pm. Yes I was per diem for many years but that was a decision we both made so that I could be home with them while they were young. I have never been unemployed.

 

To those who say I don't care about my kids:

 

I love them more than anything and I would die for them. Breastfeeding with my second was a significant struggle but I refused to give up because I knew it was best. You have no idea how sleep deprived I was, but I wanted the best for my son. I toughed it out and he was never fed formula. I nursed him until he was 14 months old. I cooked majority of the meals, did the laundry, house cleaning, paid all the bills. I kept up with all their school obligations as best as I could.

 

To those who say it isn't my first rodeo:

 

It was and it will be my last. No matter the outcome of our future I will never do this again. It's not worth it.

 

To those who say I'm still in contact with the AP:

 

There has been zero contact and I ended the physical affair several months ago. I have zero desire to ever talk to him again. Because we live close by I have made a conscious effort to avoid running into him again. So far I've been successful. My husband has full access to my phone, iPad, social media, etc. I am not hiding anything anymore.

 

I made multiple attempts to contact a psychologist. After calls and emails I was told by two local therapists that they were 'sorry' but they were all booked up. A year ago I mentioned to my husband I wanted marital counseling but he declined. In my job I can only imagine the ramifications if we told a patient 'sorry you can't get a pacemaker today' or 'I'm sorry we are all out of implanted defibrillators so can you just stop having your runs of ventricular tachycardia?' I realize that the two situations are not the same but the frustration is equal.

 

I took off my wedding ring last night because I felt that he had given up. I went to work without wearing it for the first time ever today. I felt naked without it. This afternoon he messaged me that he had finally found a counselor. I called her right away and made an appt. I know I have personal issues and I have honestly had suicidal thoughts at times. The things you guys have said here about someone you have never met have been extremely hurtful. I actually cut my arm last week. That's how much I hate what I have done to my husband and my family.

 

Despite what all of you think, I love my husband. He didn't deserve any of the hurt I caused. I own that and will for the rest of my life. He is a wonderful father to our boys. I don't know what our future holds at this point. My plan is to make the right choices going forward and hope that God will forgive me. And to be the best mom I can be for my kids.

 

To all of you....I don't think you realize the impact your words can have on someone. Or how inaccessible mental health counseling can be. I now know after the struggle trying to get counseling. Please keep in mind in future posts the impact your words might have on someone who is struggling. There are always 2 sides to every story. I am not at all condoning my choice. I understand most of you were on the receiving end and none of you deserved it. I do believe that everyone deserves a second chance though. Good people make bad choices. I will pay th price of mine forever.

 

I will not come back to this forum again. The only reason I know about it is that my husband shared his post with me. I can only imagine the replies that my post will get and honestly my heart can't take it. I wish the best to all of you as I understand you wouldn't be here unless you have experienced your own heartache. Regards, the wayward spouse.

 

Bolded part. It's not up to him to salvage the marriage, it's up to you. You were the one who caused his pain, turned his world upside, lost the blinded love and trust he once had for you. He's still processing and this is all brand new, it's not like it's been a full year and then you took your wedding ring off. It hasn't even been a full month.

 

Respectfully said here, it's not fair for you to put expectations on him. It's up to you to make him want to trust you again (you have to earn that not just words, but actions.) You trickled truthed him, he asked you for the full truth and you didn't come clean about everything. The truth is better than lying about it or omitting stuff. Even if it hurts him to hear it's what he needs. Its killing him that you're picking and choosing what to be open with about your affair with your exMM.

 

The words here probably hurt, ignore the words that are here to bash you or make you feel belittled. The words that sting because deep down you know what has been said is true -- that's what you focus on and fix yourself from there. Get marriage counseling, go on your own until he's ready to go with you.

 

Keep posting here, maybe start your own thread as to not thread steal your husband's. This is about him and helping him through this.

 

It took courage for you to post here even though you're hurting by what was said. I hope you work on yourself and that you two can work through this. But if not, be the best co parents together. Respect one another as mom and dad, and get along for the kids sake.

 

Second bolded part - Yes there are always two sides to every story but when it comes to one spouse choosing to cheat for many years there's no justification for it regardless of the other side.

[GoldenR]

All I got out of her post was this:

 

I had a 3+ year affair on my faithful husband, and you guys are hurting my feelings by saying what I did was wrong. I wish you guys would think before you type hurtful things. Never mind that I never considered my husband's feelings while I was boffing the other man.

 

/rolleyes/

 

And cutting yourself? More manipulation....

[Friskyone4u]

BD,

 

It's obvious you are not going to divorce her unless you accidentally stumble across her breaking NC or hooking up with him again. I would not bet my 401K that that will not happen but who cares.

 

Why put yourself through all of the wondering and ridiculous searching for the "why". She did it because she wanted to, she liked it, and would have kept doing it if not caught. You can pay thousands of dollars for some genius to tell you it was because her parents made her eat vegetables when she was a kid or some other GUESS.

 

The requirements for her are NC, total transparency, accountability for where she is given voluntarily with no pouting or complaining about punishment over time. ACTIONS NOT BULL **** LIKE SHE JUST SPOUTED .

 

If you are staying, make it easy on yourself. Sometime a few months from now, tell you beautiful bride that you are headed to the local polygraph examiner and here are youryes/no questions

(1) have you broken no contact

(2) have you been physically alone with OM

(3) do you curtrently have any electronic apps or private accounts I am not aware of

(4) has he tried to contact you that you have hidden

 

If she fails any prof those questions what more therapy do you need.???

[Zona]

I do give her credit for posting. That did take some courage, but I don't expect she will elicit much sympathy.

 

I think what people just can't get past is the length of the affair. A drunken oops is one thing, but 4 years??? Geez. Honestly it doesn't seem to me like she has totally taken ownership of what she did. Lots of excuses, finger pointing and blame shifting, rather than broken humility and unreserved remorse.

[mercy]

BD,

 

Sometime a few months from now, tell you beautiful bride that you are headed to the local polygraph examiner and here are youryes/no questions

(1) have you broken no contact

(2) have you been physically alone with OM

(3) do you curtrently have any electronic apps or private accounts I am not aware of

(4) has he tried to contact you that you have hidden

 

If she fails any prof those questions what more therapy do you need.???

 

I have been told by experts in the field the less questions the better. 2 is ideal number. Question 1 are you having a physical affair. 2. is it ongoing.

 

It's really all you need.

[Poutrew]

Ach! If I reply they way I want to the wayward wife's post, I know I'll just get banned again... So you care for your family? You love your kid so much that you breastfed him for 14 months? You have been breastfeeding the OM for 3+ years! You have been looking your husband, whom you claim to love, for all that time and lying not only to his face, but to his very soul. When I think that I might have found a woman like you, I realize how glad I am to be single...:sick:

[Mr Blunt]

Lost2574

Your statement about your children “I love them more than anything and I would die for them” indicates that you are a very valuable mother. Also, you not being in contact with the OM is also a positive step that you are taking.

 

 

You have probably lost any chance of having a great marriage or you maybe eventually going to lose your marriage but you can still be a valuable person to your children…The consequences of betrayal cause serious damage to a marriage and there is always a price to pay, however, you can still be a valuable person in other areas.

[reboot]

Impressive. She's gaslighting the entire forum.

[Mrs. John Adams]

As a wayward who had a very short affair....in my opinion...which does not mean a thing....a 4 year long affair...is living a double life. It is like have two marriages...

 

I understand that it is possible to have feelings for two people at one time....but to lead two seperate lives at the same time for such a long time...would make me as the betrayed question what was real and what was fake the entire relationship.

 

In other words...the past four years were fake...what about it can i validate as real? What can i trust that was a real relationship? What did I lack as a spouse...as a person....that you needed two people to fulfill in order to make you feel satisfied?

 

I fear...that the insecurities...the doubt would be more than i could ever remove from my mind. I know how my husband has struggled for the past 33 years with what i did to him. I cannot imagine that he could possibly have stayed if i had had a 4 years affair. I cannot imagine that he would be able to beleive anything that i said.

 

I am really sorry...because the wayward may truly be sorry and may truly want a new start...I am not doubting that at all. MY fear is that what she did...may just have been too much...and I dont think any of us have a problem understanding where he is coming from.

[somanymistakes]

Impressive. She's gaslighting the entire forum.

 

The forum is way too keen to use their buzzwords sometimes.

 

She can't 'gaslight' us because we weren't there to begin with. She can't tell us that our own memories and experiences aren't true, because we don't have our own memories and experiences. She certainly can't abuse her power over us to manipulate us and make us feel that we are crazy, because she does not HAVE power over us.

 

She can claim that we're wrong about everything. Telling us, who were not there, that we are wrong is not the same as gaslighting us, that is not what gaslighting means.

 

Now, she might be lying through her teeth, she might be making up a version of events that sounds more flattering to her, she might be mentally rewriting history and believing everything she says even though it's completely crazy, we certainly wouldn't know.

 

Honestly she could make a better case that the forum is trying to gaslight her, by ganging up on her and telling her that she's a crazy liar and that the events which SHE personally experienced are not real.

[reboot]

It was a figure of speech.

[mikeylo]

WW, you shouldn't be ' avoiding ' the OM. You should cut him out of your life forever,like NOW. It should be like he shouldn't even think about crossing your way even in dream and even if by bad luck you do bump , he is the one to turn away and move on like a stranger.

 

Your inability to do this and just 'avoiding ' him , is not going to work. Your BS can see that even if he isn't saying it.

 

That's the only issue I'll touch here

[cgiles]

I took off my wedding ring last night because I felt that he had given up.

 

That's the only reason you need to pursue with the mediations OP.

 

Some wayward would still wear their rings, until the divorce, for show to their spouse they didn't give up their hope to rebuild something new.

 

You sounding like you will move on on your own ?

 

She give up.

 

She worn it during her affair, but doesn't now, because she feels you are done ?

[BluesPower]

BD...

 

From her post, you sir are fighting a losing battle. I have never read a woman with such a selfish, entitled attitude. She thinks what she has done in her mind is actually OK. A 4 year affair, wow.

 

I did not think people like that really existed. She blames you for all of it, her 4 years of lying and monkey sex is actually your fault. Wow.

 

She actually has no idea what she has done, she cannot and I think will not ever understand the pain she caused.

 

And, FYI, there is never ever two sides to a story of infidelity, ever. There is your side of the story, and nothing else matters.

 

I believe that your wife, frankly like mine, is actually an evil person.

 

Brother, you need to divorce her ASAP. And move on with your life.

 

There is nothing to save here...

[Zona]

As a wayward who had a very short affair....in my opinion...which does not mean a thing....a 4 year long affair...is living a double life. It is like have two marriages...

 

That's what I was thinking. I think that is the reason for her ambivalence. She is processing a lot right now obviously. Having her intense sexual and emotional relationship with her AP cut off after 4 years has undoubtedly left her in mourning just as a marriage breakup would. Add in the shame of being caught and having all her family including her children find out about it.

 

I'm not trying to pour fuel on the flames, but if I was BD, I would wonder what would happen in the OM leaves his wife and then asks his wife to make their relationship permanent. This must be in the back of her mind. What would she decide to do in this case? I agree that a 4 year long affair was like another marriage.

Edited June 9, 2017 by Zona

[BluesPower]

That's what I was thinking. I think that is the reason for her ambivalence. She is processing a lot right now obviously. Having her intense sexual and emotional relationship with her AP cut off after 4 years has undoubtedly left her in mourning just as a marriage breakup would. Add in the shame of being caught and having all her family including her children find out about it.

 

I'm not trying to pour fuel on the flames, but if I was BD, I would wonder what would happen in the OM leaves his wife and then asks his wife to make their relationship permanent. This must be in the back of her mind. What would she decide to do in this case? I agree that a 4 year long affair was like another marriage.

 

She would leave and never look back...If other man divorced and wanted her.

 

Also, did I miss it or did she never say that she loved her husband in her post. Somebody check me on that.

 

I don't think she did, wow.

[reboot]

She would leave and never look back...If other man divorced and wanted her.

 

Also, did I miss it or did she never say that she loved her husband in her post. Somebody check me on that.

 

I don't think she did, wow.

 

Actually she did, although I think she has a funny way of showing it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Actually she did, although I think she has a funny way of showing it.

 

We have to take her at her word whether we agree or not. She says she loves him. Her definition of love may not be the same as mine... or like some have said here.. she truly loves both men at the same time.

 

I guess it isn't what I think that matters but what her husband thinks.

 

Does he believe she loves him?