17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[aileD]

I didnt read everything, but just have an obsrvation:

 

She originally wanted a divorce.

Then you told APs wife.

Now she doesn't want a divorce.

 

She also waffled on the date it ended. If it did end, she would know when. Just ask any of the OW over in that forum....they know for sue when the affair ended.

 

So add those things together, and I'm concluding that she never really did end the affair. I think that she wanted a divorce because she thought she could be with AP but when you told his wife--he probably dumped your wife like a hot potato. And now she's willing to work on the marriage because she has nothinginf to fall back on. You're the backup plan.

 

I don't know what that means for you but that's what jumped out at me as obvious in your original post.

[Unforseen]

Cheaters often suggests seeing a marriage counselor (MC) because it accomplishes the following:

 

1) It is a stall tactic that keeps you on the hook, as it gives you something to hang on to as she waits for you to get over it.

 

2) It is usually not in the MC's financial interest to tell you that you should get a divorce. They are paid for conducting the process, not for results. They make money by getting both of you to come back again and again as they bill you. This means that the MC will tell you that there is hope and that you should work on it almost no matter the situation. I predict that the MC will say something to you like "a 3 years affair cannot be addressed in just a few MC sessions", as they line you up to make their car payment for the next few years.

 

3) Rather than tell the cheater that you both are 50%-50% responsible for the condition of the marriage, but that the cheater is 100% responsible for their cheating, the MC will give weight to the cheater's blame shifting by listening to the cheater's reinventing of history as if cheating for any reason is kind of OK. The MC will do this to appear fair, and so that the cheater will want to come again.

 

4) The MC will try to re-establish trust too early, when trust has not been earned by the cheater. They will say something similar to "if you want to rebuild your marriage, you need to trust her again and stop with the anger".

 

These are just a few of the predictable things that usually happens when you see a MC too early after the cheating.

 

Your vows were a verbal contract, and just like in any other contract, if one side breaks their side of the contract, the other side is no longer bound to hold up their end. Watch how fast a landlord breaks the contract to allow you to stay in their property when you stop paying your rent; they will kick you to the curb so fast your head will spin.

 

This is all very typical for MC unless you spend the time and effort to hunt down the one therapist that is actually concerned with helping you first. Of course MC is a good idea, but getting your trauma dealt with in IC must be a priority. There's not too much point to going all in with MC until you decide that there will be a marriage remaining to need counseling.

 

You did sign on for better or worse and this certainly is the worst. She did break her vows and that could be seen as meaning you are released from yours also. That is up to how you personally feel about it. If you feel you are released then start the process of making it formal and file. If you feel there is any chance that something could be salvaged of your marriage then don't burn anything down on your side with rash decisions. You have time to figure things out while paper work is being processed and she has time to start truly showing remorse.

 

Reconciliation is by no means easy. There will be many horrible emotions and struggles while undertaking that work. What it comes down to is what is she worth to you? What is saving your marriage worth to you? Is your WW doing her part to show that she can be trusted again someday and that she will take great care of any future trust you invest with her? Do you feel you will be able to ever trust her again? Many of these questions cannot be answered yet. So take the time to care for yourself and your children while you think it over.

[Friskyone4u]

BD,

 

You have been given good advice about running to MC being also a common stall tactic. Understand, assuming you went once a week for an hour, you will be probably a month in before you get much past name, rank, and serial number.

 

Meanwhile, your WW has bought herself time while you chase your tail for her to wait to see what happens with OM's marriage.

 

Here's the four questions for your polygraph for her

(1) have you broken NC by any electronic or personal interactions since D Day

(2) do you have any apps on your phone that I am not aware of

(3) do you have any e mail accounts, twitter accounts, gaming accounts, or any other electronic means of communication that I am not aware of

(4) have you had sex with any other men but OM and your husband since you have been married.

 

Go to an attorney, serve her with divorce papers ( you can stop it any time you want to), and tell her before the divorce if final if she answers the four questions above siuccesfully then you will start therapy.

 

And do some reading. You will also find that when women RESIST transparency, NC, and accountability or look at it as "punishment" the percentages of her not cheating again are very small.

[Mr Blunt]

BetrayedDad

I do not need to tell you how much your wife has done to damage herself, you, and her children. You and other posters have done a very good job of stating the failures of your wife then and now.

 

From what you have written so far it seems that you have two very strong reasons for NOT divorcing your wife and start a new life without her.

 

1 You stated that you still “love her so much”

 

2 You stated that your children are your top priority and cannot stand not seeing them everyday

 

Your wife has made it so you will have to compromise and not be able to have things, as listed above, the way that you want right now. You will have to accept that for now.

 

I can understand your struggle as we had three children when my wife confessed. You are in no way in any shape to help your wife and need to concentrate on you and your children. Your wife has to fix herself; of course she should get help but in the end she will have to make the biggest changes. If you take on the responsibility to fix your wife you will be taking away from getting yourself stronger and that will not be best for you or your children.

 

Your emotions are completely shattered but you must start getting stronger, emotionally, spiritually, and all other ways immediately. Get all the help that you can and then you follow the advice, especially of those that have been successful at getting through your situation. Professional help is also in order. I know you know all this but you are very desperate to fix things because you are in such pain and need to focus on only you and the children first. It will be very hard but you need to be very determined to get stronger. When you fall back into wanting to fix your wife or focusing on her then you will have to force yourself to get back to focusing on the right actions and thoughts.

Bottom line:

You cannot fix your wife, yourself, and your children at the same time so realize that you have to force yourself to focus on you and your children. If your wife gets herself a lot better and proves that with actions for a long time then you can decide if you want to have her in your life at that time. STOP rehashing the painful things about your wife as that will not get you stronger but will give your emotions more pain. Force yourself to START controlling your thoughts and actions and getting all the help that you can so YOU get better! Then you will reduce your pain and you will be able to better adjust to your crises.

[BetrayedDad]

Thank you all for your comments. I'm so glad that I started this thread because it is really helping me see things from an outside perspective.

 

I am still going to see an attorney this Friday. I also called and spoke with another attorney yesterday and she explained some of my options i.e. litigated, mediation and collaborative divorce processes.

 

I feel like this nightmare is starting to slowly sink in and feel real. I found myself a little less emotional today than I was yesterday and look forward to getting through one full day without crying. I hate that this makes me cry...it makes me feel so weak.

 

I still have no appetite and have trouble sleeping, but I am exercising. I find my most clear moments when I go for a run. D-Day was Thursday, I ran 15 miles Sunday morning, and notified her AP's spouse within a couple hours of finishing that run. I ran 7 miles today and was thinking of all the positive things about myself...I'm in pretty good shape (completed 2 full Ironman triathlons and a handful of marathons), look young for my age (I still get carded), make 6 figures, coached my son's t-ball team, was my other son's Cub Scout den leader, I'm a volunteer firefighter. I can't stop asking myself why I wasn't good enough. What did I do that was so bad to push her to cheat and continue for 3 years? I know there is no excuse for her cheating, but it's hard not to look in the mirror and ask why.

[Mr Blunt]

I can't stop asking myself why I wasn't good enough. What did I do that was so bad to push her to cheat and continue for 3 years? I know there is no excuse for her cheating, but it's hard not to look in the mirror and ask why.

 

You are good enough and did NOTHING to make her choice be to betray!

 

STOP rehashing the painful things about your wife as that will not get you stronger. START controlling your thoughts and actions to get YOU better! Then you will reduce the pain and be able to better adjust to your crises

.

[BetrayedDad]

From what I understand, she feels that I neglected her. This was when she was a SAHM and training for an Ironman race. I was working a full-time job and taking care of our kids (ages 4 & 6 at the time) after work so she could run out to train (which turned into training/meeting up with her AP). FML

 

I feel like she truly has zero empathy and simply cannot comprehend the level of hurt she so carelessly inflicted on me. She says she is sorry and ashamed, but she still hasn't even begun to understand the true impact this has on me.

 

Right now, she is relying on one person in another state for support. However, that person is a divorced single mom who also had an affair. I asked her not to rely solely on that person's advice. I told her I started this thread but she doesn't want to read any of it. I also told her there are sections for people that were in her shoes. I hope she will check it out so maybe someone can open her eyes.

Edited May 25, 2017 by BetrayedDad

[JS84]

If you want her to post here that's fine, however I'd recommend directing her to another infidelity site maybe. You should really have a space where you can vent/bounce ideas/get advice/plan etc without her knowing everything you're thinking and planning before you can do it. I'll private message you a few recommendations.

 

You can always show her this thread down the road if you want but it's probably too early for her to be reading any of this. At least not until (or if) she's truly remorseful. Otherwise at this point you'd just be giving her ammo against you.

 

hmm nm. Think you need more posts before you can send or receive private messages. Will send you one when I can.

Edited May 25, 2017 by JS84

[Friskyone4u]

Thank you all for your comments. I'm so glad that I started this thread because it is really helping me see things from an outside perspective.

 

I am still going to see an attorney this Friday. I also called and spoke with another attorney yesterday and she explained some of my options i.e. litigated, mediation and collaborative divorce processes.

 

I feel like this nightmare is starting to slowly sink in and feel real. I found myself a little less emotional today than I was yesterday and look forward to getting through one full day without crying. I hate that this makes me cry...it makes me feel so weak.

 

I still have no appetite and have trouble sleeping, but I am exercising. I find my most clear moments when I go for a run. D-Day was Thursday, I ran 15 miles Sunday morning, and notified her AP's spouse within a couple hours of finishing that run. I ran 7 miles today and was thinking of all the positive things about myself...I'm in pretty good shape (completed 2 full Ironman triathlons and a handful of marathons), look young for my age (I still get carded), make 6 figures, coached my son's t-ball team, was my other son's Cub Scout den leader, I'm a volunteer firefighter. I can't stop asking myself why I wasn't good enough. What did I do that was so bad to push her to cheat and continue for 3 years? I know there is no excuse for her cheating, but it's hard not to look in the mirror and ask why.

 

BD,

 

STOP trying to figure out why she did anything. The simple fact that most BS never want to accept is that in today's world ALL people of both sexes will be subject to temptation of an affair at sometime in their marriage unless they are locked in the house and chained to the wall. And the other simple fact is that a certain percentage will give in to the temptation and the guy or girl that figures out any way to predict with certainty will be a billionaire in two weeks.

 

And quite frankly with her behavior right now why you would want to reconcile with her is beyond my comprehension. BD, you do not need phycho babble right now. That is just a search for someone to tell you some fact that is only THEIR opinion in a subjective, not quantitative science, that you can then tuck away as the why. The fact is for three years

(1) she did it because she liked it

(2) she did it because she wanted to

(3) she did it because he was more important than you

(4) and most importantly, you can spend every penny you make on "therapy" and there is absolutely no guarantee that she will not do it again. Unless you can live with that you will never reconcile. You may inhabit the same space, but reconcile is a funny word. That also is different to everyone.

 

And I am going to repeat, read the books on infidelity and her resistant to remorse behavior is a fairly good predictor that it will happen again versus if she was falling all over herself.

 

Your best bet right now since she Mr. Nice Guy is not working is to file for divorce. You will be amazed at how sometimes their attitude does a 180 once BH stop playing the pick me game and some real consequences are on the horizon. Sorting that out also takes a lot of thought but you are not there.

 

But you need to do some shock and awe. Once the attorney gives you the options have her served and do not tell her you are doing it and I would not mention this site. She will be one step ahead of you.

 

And lastly, peer pressure from girlfriends is one of the most significant in reinforcing the wrong behavior. Her relying on another cheater who apparently got dumped for advice is not going to help. My guess is this person knew what she was doing and told her to have fun.

 

Now put on your helmet and start to play hardball.

[BetrayedDad]

If you want her to post here that's fine, however I'd recommend directing her to another infidelity site maybe. You should really have a space where you can vent/bounce ideas/get advice/plan etc without her knowing everything you're thinking and planning before you can do it. I'll private message you a few recommendations.

 

You can always show her this thread down the road if you want but it's probably too early for her to be reading any of this. At least not until (or if) she's truly remorseful. Otherwise at this point you'd just be giving her ammo against you.

 

hmm nm. Think you need more posts before you can send or receive private messages. Will send you one when I can.

 

Thank you. It seems so strange to me that I what to know everything she is thinking about our situation and here I've put my thoughts and feelings out for the world to see and the one person I thought would need to see it most doesn't even want to look. I suppose it's too early and she is still in damage control mode but I feel we are going to end up divorced because she won't give me the one thing I need from her...total honesty.

[usa1ah]

Thank you all for your comments. I'm so glad that I started this thread because it is really helping me see things from an outside perspective.

 

I am still going to see an attorney this Friday. I also called and spoke with another attorney yesterday and she explained some of my options i.e. litigated, mediation and collaborative divorce processes.

 

I feel like this nightmare is starting to slowly sink in and feel real. I found myself a little less emotional today than I was yesterday and look forward to getting through one full day without crying. I hate that this makes me cry...it makes me feel so weak.

 

I still have no appetite and have trouble sleeping, but I am exercising. I find my most clear moments when I go for a run. D-Day was Thursday, I ran 15 miles Sunday morning, and notified her AP's spouse within a couple hours of finishing that run. I ran 7 miles today and was thinking of all the positive things about myself...I'm in pretty good shape (completed 2 full Ironman triathlons and a handful of marathons), look young for my age (I still get carded), make 6 figures, coached my son's t-ball team, was my other son's Cub Scout den leader, I'm a volunteer firefighter. I can't stop asking myself why I wasn't good enough. What did I do that was so bad to push her to cheat and continue for 3 years? I know there is no excuse for her cheating, but it's hard not to look in the mirror and ask why.

 

Crying in not a weakness, giving in and giving up are.

[Furious]

Yup, her AP denied the whole thing to save his ass and she is upset by the idea that he won't have to suffer the consequences like her.

 

 

^^^^^^^ she's showing you who she is and it's all about her. She feels betrayed by her lover and her head is so far up her *ss that her betrayal to you is secondary.

 

You've shown her that you are not serious about divorcing her, you've shown her that you are afraid to lose her. She needs you to console her and the ridiculous blame shifting to make you feel responsible for her own choice to cheat.

 

She's mourning the betrayal from the OM. She's mourning the double life she enjoyed. She's mad that it's unfair that she is paying the consequence and her OM denied her existence.

 

Marriage counselling is a big mistake, she'll use it to continue the blame shifting and the problem is not the marriage at this point.

 

Get individual counselling for yourself, listen to your gut and accept what is and what not what you thought it was. You're in shock and sometimes it's easier to offer cheap forgiveness than it is to face the end of your marriage. The reality is your marriage ended a few years ago but you didn't know it.

[usa1ah]

I can't stop asking myself why I wasn't good enough. What did I do that was so bad to push her to cheat and continue for 3 years? I know there is no excuse for her cheating, but it's hard not to look in the mirror and ask why.

 

 

She has a weak character and poor morals. Her cheating has nothing to do with you. It is all about her giving into temptation when faced with it. She had a choice, give into it or say I am married. She chose to give into it.

 

We have all had are ups and downs in marriage, it's not a license to cheat during the down parts.

 

There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. She would have cheated any way because of who SHE is. Even if your marriage was great at the time.

[stillafool]

From what I understand, she feels that I neglected her. This was when she was a SAHM and training for an Ironman race. I was working a full-time job and taking care of our kids (ages 4 & 6 at the time) after work so she could run out to train (which turned into training/meeting up with her AP). FML

 

I feel like she truly has zero empathy and simply cannot comprehend the level of hurt she so carelessly inflicted on me. She says she is sorry and ashamed, but she still hasn't even begun to understand the true impact this has on me.

 

Right now, she is relying on one person in another state for support. However, that person is a divorced single mom who also had an affair. I asked her not to rely solely on that person's advice. I told her I started this thread but she doesn't want to read any of it. I also told her there are sections for people that were in her shoes. I hope she will check it out so maybe someone can open her eyes.

 

All the cheating wives say the same thing that they were neglected. Really? While you were working your arse off trying to support your family, giving her the privilege of being a SAHM she gives you the that lame excuse. What is she some child who needs constant attention? Don't believe her it is textbook cheater talk. Your wife is talking to the this other woman about their affair partners. If you look in the OW forum here you will see that the wives who have cheated on their husbands are still mourning the loss of the OM. They come here to talk about OM not their betrayed husbands. Your wife is devastated because she now realizes the OM never loved her as he said and quickly thru her cheating butt under the bus as soon as his wife found out. I can guarantee you that everything she talks about with her friend is only about the OM and nothing about trying to do what is right to make this up to you. Please STOP comforting her because she is viewing you as weak. You have to be strong and let her know you won't take her crap nor do you believe her. Remember she said she and the OM had a break because he was mean to her. This is the type of behavior that turns her on that's why she went back to screwing around with him. Don't be Mr. Nice Guy because she doesn't deserve it. She deserves the same type of character she is. The type that can look you dead in your eyes for 3 years and lie. This is who she is and that is what he is. She loved the sex with him and more than likely did things with him that would surprise the hell out of you. She didn't make a mistake she made a choice and stuck to it for 3 years. If this guy had said okay the spouses found out so let's be together she would be gone.

[BetrayedDad]

All the cheating wives say the same thing that they were neglected. Really? While you were working your arse off trying to support your family, giving her the privilege of being a SAHM she gives you the that lame excuse. What is she some child who needs constant attention? Don't believe her it is textbook cheater talk. Your wife is talking to the this other woman about their affair partners. If you look in the OW forum here you will see that the wives who have cheated on their husbands are still mourning the loss of the OM. They come here to talk about OM not their betrayed husbands. Your wife is devastated because she now realizes the OM never loved her as he said and quickly thru her cheating butt under the bus as soon as his wife found out. I can guarantee you that everything she talks about with her friend is only about the OM and nothing about trying to do what is right to make this up to you. Please STOP comforting her because she is viewing you as weak. You have to be strong and let her know you won't take her crap nor do you believe her. Remember she said she and the OM had a break because he was mean to her. This is the type of behavior that turns her on that's why she went back to screwing around with him. Don't be Mr. Nice Guy because she doesn't deserve it. She deserves the same type of character she is. The type that can look you dead in your eyes for 3 years and lie. This is who she is and that is what he is. She loved the sex with him and more than likely did things with him that would surprise the hell out of you. She didn't make a mistake she made a choice and stuck to it for 3 years. If this guy had said okay the spouses found out so let's be together she would be gone.

 

I think there is a lot of truth to your post. Thank you for helping me open my eyes. On paper, everyone's comments make sense to me, but then when I'm with her and my boys, I find myself clinging to what I thought I had...this is such a tough pill to swallow.

[BetrayedDad]

I just realized today is exactly 1 week since D-Day. I barely slept again last night, but I did eat breakfast for the first time in a week. So I'm exercising and starting to eat again...I guess that's progress. I go see the divorce attorney tomorrow, but still don't know what to ask. I am so unproductive at work that I am using vacation days for this whole week but still sit at my desk and stare at the screen. I can't concentrate on work right now...my mind is going in so many directions. I scrolled through the pictures taken in my phone over the last 4 years and just can't believe everything was a lie. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. Hopefully I'll start sleeping better after meeting with the attorney tomorrow. Thanks again for all of your comments and support. It means a lot to me right now.

[stillafool]

If you are losing weight maybe stop running for a while because that will make you lose more weight. Eat and life weights instead. This is so hard but you will pull through it. Keep posting and reading the stories of OM in your position here. When you reach the anger stage you will physically start to feel better.

Edited May 25, 2017 by stillafool

[BTDT2012]

I can't stop asking myself why I wasn't good enough. What did I do that was so bad to push her to cheat and continue for 3 years? I know there is no excuse for her cheating, but it's hard not to look in the mirror and ask why.

 

Wrong question. It has nothing to do with your worth. With time, you will realize that. You didn't push her to cheat. She chose to cheat. That choice is 100% on her. Be good to yourself.

[Friskyone4u]

I think there is a lot of truth to your post. Thank you for helping me open my eyes. On paper, everyone's comments make sense to me, but then when I'm with her and my boys, I find myself clinging to what I thought I had...this is such a tough pill to swallow.

 

BD,

 

A tougher pill to swallow is going to be another D Day that occurs after this one. previously you were clueless, but now you know what she is capable of.

 

You can count one thing. If this OM's attempt at reconciliation with his wife is not successful or if he becomes a "free agent" by any means, he is going to contact your wife. Why would he not. She never told him "no", and would have kept doing it if he had not dumped her. you want that hanging over your head/??

 

Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce and kids who were raised right turn out right in most cases. Your last three years were a lie by your own statements. you want the next three to be the same??

 

You asked for advice on what to tell attorney.

(1) you want legal advice, NOT marriage therapy

(2) you want the straight truth about what to expect, not best case scenerio only

(3) you want recommendation on how to proceed .

 

Your attorney is your LEGAL expert and most likely is not climbing into bed each night with a spouse who is banging someone else. therefore, their opinion on infidelity is the same as that of relatives who are not the victims of infidelity. MEANINGLESS.

[WilyWill]

Hard to see what you did wrong. "Neglecting" her while being supportive of her training outside of the house? Time she chose to spend away from you and the kids? Seriously?

 

She's broken, not you. She's also remorseless. Let the divorce papers bring home her new reality. I suspect you'll see a whole new side of her.

 

She doesn't want to read forums? Why? Because it's easier to hide her head in the sand than write about all the ugly things she did. She knows that decent people in forums would call her out for what she is.

[aliveagain]

Friend, we all know that pain you are going through, many of us have made it to the other side and so will you. You are still early into the discovery and full of fear, the fear is caused by not knowing what your future will be. You haven't even reached the anger stage yet(at least by what you have written). My anger kicked in once I realized everything I was working so hard for was changed because of her selfish acts. Every long term goal no longer looked as desirable to me because I wasn't sure I still wanted her as a part of them. It was hard for me to put her back on the pedestal I had her on because the stench of the other man was always going to be on her, I felt I was getting his leftovers, I was the consolation prize. She didn't choose me, she got caught.

 

You need to know how deep the rabbit hole goes, have her write out a full timeline of her affair, every detail. How can you make a decision about your future with her if you don't have all the truth? You are your strongest at time of confrontation, tell her your requirements for remaining in the marriage. Three years is one hell of a big sh*t sandwich to eat, what you get for eating it better be worth it. Every marriage can be saved but only you can decide if that is really what you want, that white elephant will always be in the room with you. It is hard to learn that everything you cherish and would give your life to protect she gave away so freely to a snake. What value do you now have for them if she traded it for 3 years of bad sex? Get independent counselling for yourself because you have a lot of hard decisions to make, she made hers over 3 years ago.

Edited May 25, 2017 by aliveagain

[Bufo]

This posting provides no solution or even emotional support. But if you are going to see a divorce lawyer tomorrow the information may be useful.

 

Make some note cards or an outline so you are reminded to cover these areas.

 

How long does to process take on average contested and uncontested

 

What factors go into custody and visitation decisions ?

 

How is child support determined?

 

What factors go into property division ?

 

Does fault matter in any if the above?

 

What are average fees contested and uncontested ?

 

How is health care insurance handled for spouse and kids?

 

How do I protect myself from spouse running up debt? This includes how to get off the hook for credit card debts spouse will incur

 

Can I divide joint accounts now?

 

How to handle division of personal property? It's not all hers even though WWs often feel entitled to choose what personal property they want.

 

Do you have recommendations for counseling kids? Me? If I believe such will be useful.

 

Explain process to me start to finish.

 

Explain what life will look like during divorce and after divorce.

 

What % of your practice is devoted to divorce including custody?

 

 

You may have other questions/areas if concern. But the notes you take into the meeting will help you keep things on track.

 

One other point. Unless yours turns out to be the elusive collaborative divorce. You will be dealing with the lawyer for a long time. The lawyer works for you and not vice versa. Make sure you can have a good working relationship

 

The lawyer isn't your IC. The lawyer isn't psychic so cannot guarantee a perfect prediction of the process in your case. And cannot guarantee any certain outcome. Your goal is to walk out of the meeting better informed. Take full advantage of the opportunity .

 

Finally. Tax returns and pay stubs, house closing documents are useful.

[aliveagain]

Thank you for your post. Your words are sinking in. It's so hard when you find out the one you trusted the most in life, the one you shared your most intimate moments with for half of your life and the majority of your adult life, is capable of something as hurtful and deceitful as this.

 

It is even harder when you discover that the most intimate moments you shared with your wife in confidence she then shared with some POS who probably bragged about her in locker rooms. Once she made you the third wheel nothing was sacred between you, her allegiances changed giving him the power, you just didn't know it. That makes every betrayed spouse feel used, betrayed and a fool. These are the questions you will need answers for, why did she sell out for so little for so long?

[BluesPower]

I think there is a lot of truth to your post. Thank you for helping me open my eyes. On paper, everyone's comments make sense to me, but then when I'm with her and my boys, I find myself clinging to what I thought I had...this is such a tough pill to swallow.

 

Listen, your right... There is a lot of good information in StillAFools post.

 

Here is the deal, you need to emotionally detach from her like yesterday.

 

Do not have sex, do not sleep in the same bed, Kick her out of the BR, do not engage with her about anything right now.

 

Just ignore her until you start to get your head straight.

 

Take a deep breath and file for divorce. Once she is served with papers, you will be able to gauge better where her head is at. She my just say fine and go to be with her OM, or she may actually wake up and fight for your marriage. She is the one that needs to fight for the marriage, she is the one that destroyed it, single handedly. None of her cheating is your fault.

 

I would think that about 1 in a 1000 men would even consider staying married to her even if she was trying to save the marriage.

 

Right now you need to be stronger than you have ever been with her. Once she knows that you are serious about divorce she will start really waking up and deciding if she wants you or her OM.

 

DO NOT COMFORT HER, let her stew in her own juice.

 

You have to get your head together. The things we are telling you are the only way you have a chance to save your marriage if you even want to. And if you don't, then you have already started the divorce process and you are that much closer to being rid if her.

[stillafool]

The only way you have a chance to get her attention off of the other man and on you is to file for divorce and watch her reaction. Even if you don't go through with the divorce it will force her to face reality of the situation she has created and the thought of losing you. If that doesn't pull her out of the fog nothing will.