17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[sandylee1]

On the point of the sex not being great... That is possible, but it also means there was something else she was getting emotionally.

 

WW have previously said their husband was the better lover, better looking etc... But they are getting the attention you get in an affair and getting ego boosts in 'affairyland'. The fantasy land of sneaking around like a naughty child.

[Marc878]

I see this all the time. BS is fighting for the marriage. If the WW spouse isn't fighting for what they threw away what is there to save?

 

Staying together isn't necessarily a marriage. It may make sense financially, etc but for the most part it smells like plan B to me.

 

I think most are just affraid to be alone and taking the step to D is to scary. There is a lot of anxiety with the unknown so a lot will stay in a bad situation just because of it.

 

Pretty sad IMO

[HereNorThere]

In this case, she has no choice but to "fight for the marriage" no matter how she feels. She's going to be an unemployed single mother. She's not just going give up her atm and babysitter without a fight. This much you can be sure of.

[aliveagain]

If finding out your wife has been living a double life and cheating on you for three years wasn't enough of a hit to your masculinity, waiting around while she grieves the loss of her Romeo should about do it. What is so special about your marriage now that she so desperately wants it back? The only thing that changed is her dirty secret has been discovered and she now knows that the other man was only using her for sex.

 

You need to put some distance between yourselves as you really think hard about everything you have discovered. Get legal counsel and find out what your options are, get yourselves tested for all STD's, the testing process brings reality to her infidelity and the humiliation of testing is a future deterrent.

 

Don't be so quick to forgive, you still have to live with yourself when all is said and done. Compromising the values you have spent your life building may have very negative long term effects on you. Perhaps she should do her mopping at her mothers house while you decide your future.

[BetrayedDad]

Thank you all for your comments.

 

Just to clarify, while my wife was a SAHM, she usually worked 1 or 2 days a week per diem to hold onto her employment...she is an RN. Several months ago, she did go back to work full-time.

 

Since D-Day, she has removed herself from organizing and joining the weekly biking group that she managed. She has also stayed away from the local running group. She read through this entire thread over the course of a few days. I know it was very difficult for her to read many pages worth of harsh comments knowing that, although anonymous, it was directed at her and her actions. We have discussed divorce and while I'm leaning in that direction, she does appear to be slowing beginning to realize the real impact of her actions.

 

On my way to the lawyer's office yesterday, for the first time ever, she sent me a text confessing to a lie that she had told me. This was voluntary, unprompted, out of the blue, and quite frankly, something I didn't even care about that much...basically she said she never spoke to her out of state friend about the affair when the truth was that she did. I really didn't care either way, but I knew she had to be lying about it. Either way, she swore on our kids that she didn't do it but finally came clean.

 

She has deleted Snapchat and Instagram and agreed to giving me the password(s) for everything (just like I have been doing for her all along). We have been using Find My Friends for about a year, but it turns out she hooked up with him again during that time anyway and I never knew. I still don't know when it was, she said last August or late July...I was away at Scout camp with my boys in late July and took them to see the Monster trucks in early August.

 

This morning, when I woke up after not sleeping for more than maybe 3 hours in the last 2 or 3 days, she told me that she called and left a message with a nearby therapist's office asking to start IC.

 

At this point, I am still leaning towards divorce. If we didn't have 2 young children, I probably would have had her served with papers yesterday. However, her actions and my reaction will affect two innocent little boys that asked for nothing more than two loving parents to provide them with a safe, loving, secure, and stable home. I feel like I can not make a life-altering decision that will have a significant impact on them for the rest of their lives without taking my time and letting my head clear.

 

If I'm honest with myself, I don't think I will ever trust my wife again. I can't see how. An apology doesn't even scratch the surface to "fix this". Primarily for my kids, I feel like I need to give this thing some time and see what real...REAL changes are made. A short-term band aide won't do it and only time will tell. For now, she appears to be taking steps in the right direction.

 

I suppose most people would call me crazy for even considering giving her a chance at reconciliation, but at this point I'm simply taking it one day at a time and going to try not to decide either way because my decision will affect the lives of 2 innocent kids that didn't ask for any of this.

Edited May 27, 2017 by BetrayedDad

[BetrayedDad]

I see this all the time. BS is fighting for the marriage. If the WW spouse isn't fighting for what they threw away what is there to save?

 

Staying together isn't necessarily a marriage. It may make sense financially, etc but for the most part it smells like plan B to me.

 

I think most are just affraid to be alone and taking the step to D is to scary. There is a lot of anxiety with the unknown so a lot will stay in a bad situation just because of it.

 

Pretty sad IMO

 

I hear you. When I think of it, my wife and I have both completely flipped our thoughts on this. Initially, I didn't want to jump to divorce but that was her immediate reaction which was repeated a few times over the following day or 2 or 3...its all a blur to me. However, after finally having this sink in, I am the one strongly leaning towards divorce and she is the one that wants to try to save our marriage (and she is making demonstrable changes). Realistically, I probably am her Plan B (at least in fantasy land) and that is a tough pill to swallow, but for the sake of my kids, I'm going to take this one day at a time and look for real change.

 

When we went by a house with a lot of cars parked outside this morning, our kids asked what was going on. We explained that it's a holiday weekend and lots of people are having parties. Our 10year-old then asked if we could have a party too, but with only the four of us...a family party.

Edited May 27, 2017 by BetrayedDad

[BetrayedDad]

I'm sorry for what you are going through Betrayed Dad. I will give you a different perspective from a woman who successfully reconciled after her affair. Mine was only 5 months, so I imagine 3 years would be so much more intense, but your wife is going through massive amounts of withdrawal, pain, shame, self loathing and probably thoughts of suicide. If you look at the OW/OM board, it's quite common, especially since the guy denied anything happened with your wife, which was the same thing that also happened with me (quite common).

 

That said, the guys here are all correct. It is not your problem to bear or to fix. You do have every right to divorce and given her state, she probably will not fight you as she is deep in the affair fog and cannot even begin to understand what she has done with her life. So don't expect much from her at this point. She is not capable of empathy or sympathy, she is completely shedding tears for herself. I'm just speaking matter of fact. That is just the way it is. And again, you do not have to stick around for it all.

 

If you want to fight for your marriage, it will take a long, long time. First, she will need a lot of time to get out of the affair fog. This takes 6-12 months with no contact, an indefinite amount of time if she sees him as she will be unable to let go and move on. Once she is free of the longing and "love" feelings, she will need to deal with the shame and regret about what she did to her life. Her actual feelings for you and what she did to you, will come around that point, maybe 1-2 years from now. It depends on the situation and the individual. It is hard for me to speculate how long it would take to recover from a 3-4 year affair. I would imagine one would be very attached.

 

It's been about 18 months for me now, and that was a 5 month affair. My husband fought for our marriage and helped me through the pain, as you seem to be doing. I wouldn't have blamed him for leaving though honestly. So I guess it is your choice if you feel she is worth the fight or not.

 

Thank you very much for this. My wife read though this thread when it was at 6 pages, but I'm going to show her your post so she knows this is not just a place to bash on cheaters, but a place to obtain a form of help and support from people that have been through affairs and are gracious enough to take their personal time to read, try to understand our situation, and provide opinions/advice based on their experiences.

[BluesPower]

Yes your thoughts switched...

 

Let's not forget why. You were being a little weak and your head was spinning when you found out. Understandable.

 

And most importantly Her thoughts changed when she realized that lover boy did not give a rats ass about her, but she initially wanted a divorce to be with him. And when she tells you that is not true, you tell her she is a liar. Because everyone knows that it is true.

 

You need to divorce her. I almost never say that to anyone, ever. I stayed for 26 years with a woman that did not love me, cheated on me, less than yours by the way, and it turns out that she was a drug addict. I wasted half of my life with her.

 

Don't be a fool, the kids will deal with it and they will be fine.

 

She had a 3 year affair. She does not love you at all. And she would rather screw lover boy that you.

 

Please do not be a fool like I was...

[Marc878]

Your life and what you want to do with it is up to you. However, a lot of people use the kids as an excuse to do nothing. Kids are smart they pick up a lot more than you think. IMO it's better to be an awesome happy father with a focused 50% custody than being there 100% of the time just going through the motions.

 

If you want to try and make this work you are doing the correct thing. Take your time and watch your WW's actions over time. Cheaters lie, hide, deny and manipulate. It's who they are. She would have to fix herself you sure can't.

 

R is a valuable gift. I would not offer it upfront or it'll be meaningless. Think long and hard about what you want. There are better women who don't do this out there and good men are a scarcity. R takes a good 2-5 years if she can pull a heavy load but there are no guarantees. Don't be turning 50 and wish you hadn't wasted your life on this. Time doesn't stop for anyone.

 

If she has any contact with her AP at all the affair will continue if it has indeed stopped. Your exposure was a good first step. It will usually sop the affair but just because you now know doesn't mean it'll end.

 

Good luck with whichever way you proceed.

[sidney2718]

I hear you. When I think of it, my wife and I have both completely flipped our thoughts on this. Initially, I didn't want to jump to divorce but that was her immediate reaction which was repeated a few times over the following day or 2 or 3...its all a blur to me. However, after finally having this sink in, I am the one strongly leaning towards divorce and she is the one that wants to try to save our marriage (and she is making demonstrable changes). Realistically, I probably am her Plan B (at least in fantasy land) and that is a tough pill to swallow, but for the sake of my kids, I'm going to take this one day at a time and look for real change.

 

When we went by a house with a lot of cars parked outside this morning, our kids asked what was going on. We explained that it's a holiday weekend and lots of people are having parties. Our 10year-old then asked if we could have a party too, but with only the four of us...a family party.

 

Do something for the kids. Have a party just for the four of you. Be a family if only for a couple of hours. It will help your kids and maybe you and your wife too.

[Marc878]

Thank you all for your comments. I'm so glad that I started this thread because it is really helping me see things from an outside perspective.

 

I am still going to see an attorney this Friday. I also called and spoke with another attorney yesterday and she explained some of my options i.e. litigated, mediation and collaborative divorce processes.

 

I feel like this nightmare is starting to slowly sink in and feel real. I found myself a little less emotional today than I was yesterday and look forward to getting through one full day without crying. I hate that this makes me cry...it makes me feel so weak.

 

I still have no appetite and have trouble sleeping, but I am exercising. I find my most clear moments when I go for a run. D-Day was Thursday, I ran 15 miles Sunday morning, and notified her AP's spouse within a couple hours of finishing that run. I ran 7 miles today and was thinking of all the positive things about myself...I'm in pretty good shape (completed 2 full Ironman triathlons and a handful of marathons), look young for my age (I still get carded), make 6 figures, coached my son's t-ball team, was my other son's Cub Scout den leader, I'm a volunteer firefighter. I can't stop asking myself why I wasn't good enough. What did I do that was so bad to push her to cheat and continue for 3 years? I know there is no excuse for her cheating, but it's hard not to look in the mirror and ask why.

 

Why is always the biggest question. It hard to rationalize irrational.

 

She did this for 3-4 years because she wanted to. It's probably just that simple. I wouldn't try and make this more complicated than it is.

 

There are women who would cherish and love to have what yours has forsaken. Make no mistake about that.

 

Why not have a trial separation and date other women for awhile. I think you'll be surprised at how much attention you'd get. You'll have a whole new perspective on life that's for sure.

[BetrayedDad]

Yes your thoughts switched...

 

Let's not forget why. You were being a little weak and your head was spinning when you found out. Understandable.

 

And most importantly Her thoughts changed when she realized that lover boy did not give a rats ass about her, but she initially wanted a divorce to be with him. And when she tells you that is not true, you tell her she is a liar. Because everyone knows that it is true.

 

You need to divorce her. I almost never say that to anyone, ever. I stayed for 26 years with a woman that did not love me, cheated on me, less than yours by the way, and it turns out that she was a drug addict. I wasted half of my life with her.

 

Don't be a fool, the kids will deal with it and they will be fine.

 

She had a 3 year affair. She does not love you at all. And she would rather screw lover boy that you.

 

Please do not be a fool like I was...

 

I hear what you're saying and appreciate your feedback. At this point, I feel like I'm still in shock over the whole thing and don't want to rush my decision. I feel like I need to continue to clear my head first. I'll know I'm getting there when I can go a day eating 3 meals, not crying even once, and sleeping 7-8 hours at night. Right now, I'm not there yet.

[BetrayedDad]

Why is always the biggest question. It hard to rationalize irrational.

 

She did this for 3-4 years because she wanted to. It's probably just that simple. I wouldn't try and make this more complicated than it is.

 

There are women who would cherish and love to have what yours has forsaken. Make no mistake about that.

 

Why not have a trial separation and date other women for awhile. I think you'll be surprised at how much attention you'd get. You'll have a whole new perspective on life that's for sure.

 

To be honest, I have no interest in other women right now and I wouldn't want to put my kids through the stress of a separation. I'm going to s#*t or get off the pot, but want to clear my head before I make that decision.

[Marc878]

I hear what you're saying and appreciate your feedback. At this point, I feel like I'm still in shock over the whole thing and don't want to rush my decision. I feel like I need to continue to clear my head first. I'll know I'm getting there when I can go a day eating 3 meals, not crying even once, and sleeping 7-8 hours at night. Right now, I'm not there yet.

 

Smart!!!! Everyone is on your time table. You owe this to yourself.

[Nirbhao.Nirvair]

While veterans here might say that the WS reading here is a good thing, I am somewhat skeptical about how it can actually help a BS. If you suspect your wife is up to something again and if you wanted to get advice on how to catch her, where will you post? Where will you get the valuable advice? It is understandable that you are eager to make your wife to see the light, but asking her to check out your own thread IMHO is not an option UNLESS you have a really remorseful FWS who wants to help you at any cost. Is your wife a really remorseful FWS, yet BetrayedDad?

 

Anyway, your wife didn't care about the family when she had the affair or when she said she wanted a divorce a week ago. Now she wants to save the marriage because of selfish reasons (no one's going to believe that she became remorseful overnight). If you really want to find out if there is any hope at all for reconciliation, you should start by asking her why her sudden change of heart. She might fumble to give some lofty reason like how she realized "family is more important" or something like that. But you should really know what her actual reason is. It will be a selfish reason, like money or a comfortable lifestyle in which she doesn't have to work or to save face. But unless you know that reason and you are ok with that, you shouldn't proceed with reconciliation yourself.

 

In any case she should be the one that does the heavy-lifting. If instead you took the burden on your shoulders, she will never understand the difficulty of shattering something and putting it back together. She will never have any kind of remorse, let alone respect for you, until she knows how difficult it is to save a tainted marriage. So, for your own sake, pass the cross to her back. It is not wrong to stay in a marriage for the kids. As a father, I can understand how much it can break your heart when your innocent son asks you if you can have a party of 4. I would have teared up right there. So, as I said, it is not wrong to stay in a marriage for kids. But to stay in a marriage with a cheater who has no remorse or would not even feel remorse in the future, I'd say that is the most soul-crushing thing to do. Kids who grow up with a parent like that in a tainted atmosphere won't do well as adults. So for the sake of your kids, make your WW do the heavy lifting. Ask her the real reasons for her sudden interest in reconciliation. Question her if she gives some altruistic bull-crap. If you can live with whatever selfish reason she gives you, just guide her towards what she should do and let her feel the heat.

[oldlion]

I can understand how your emotions are all over the place. Been there, done that. To get to where you want to be you have to ask yourself some questions and establish some absolutes. These questions have to be answered only after things have settled and you have calmed down and can think rationally. First, does your wife love you? I mean does she really LOVE you? Do you love her? I mean really LOVE her? A very good friend of mine once told me that, "Love doesn't mean that you can live with her. Love means you can't live without her." Second, do you really want her in your life? Not for the children, not for financial reasons, not for just keeping things stable, but for you. Do you want her? I am a believer in second chances ( don't believe in third chances) but only if there is love. Love is the part of the glue that will forever hold a marriage and relationship together. Trust with you, right now, is totally out the door. This I understand. I am one of those people who, if you break my trust then that is only half the problem, because if I can't trust you then you no longer can trust me. Doesn't mean I'm going to do something to hurt you back. It just means I'm now capable of it. Can you envision a time in the future, with months or years of hard work, you can see yourself having trust in her again? Just trust, because I doubt you will ever have 100% trust again. Building trust is another part of the glue. Some spouses say something that, IMO, is also harmful to a marriage and that is, " I love my children more than anything and they are my top priority." Let me first say that I love my children. I would die in their place. But from the day I told my wife "I love you" and ever day since then, she is the person I love more than anything in the world. Before my children were even born, she held that position in my heart and it hasn't changed but it did get pushed to the side. Many couples have children, get so busy with life and career, that the person who should be the center of their life gets pushed to the side. Once again, been there, done that. Maybe you need to check your heart and see who or what has been occupying the center. For me it was career and a big slap to my life showed me my priorities needed adjustment. Taking time with your children is a must, but spending consistent and quality time with your spouse is a must and a necessity. Without that time together you will drift apart. Ask yourself how much time you and your wife spent together before the affair. How many date nights did just you and her go on? Other than the bedroom, how much time was spent with just you and her? Then there is communication. Honest communication. There should be a time everyday for husband and wife talk. My wife and I talk everyday. When I say talk I mean a real sit down and talk. It might last an hour over coffee or it might last all evening but we talk. If you R then she will have to do most of the work, but you have to put in the effort too. You know what happens when you have a team of horses and only one is pulling. Doesn't work. I agree a 3 year affair is going to be hard to get by but if that is what both of you really want, then it can be done. You just have to do what it takes to make it happen. I do wish you well.

[aliveagain]

Just don't rush into anything, think hard about everything you have discovered. Move her to another bedroom, you need time away from her so you can focus your thoughts on what is really important to you. You need to determine if the value you have of yourself is higher then the value she puts on you. Think about what she confessed to you about her other man. He's a bad kisser, the sex was bad and he was hung like a Chihuahua and that's all it took to sway her away for 3 or 4 years. I think she and her O/M played with you. Every time you accused her of cheating and you backed down with each of her denials, she and he probably laughed about it later while they were plotting their next get together. Did she ever bring him into your home? Have your children been introduced to him? Did anyone facilitate her affair, friends, family? How are you going to wash that much taint off, just think about that for a little while.

[Mr Blunt]

If your wife is really serious about her remorse then she will not try and avoid the consequences of what she has done. She betrayed you for 3 years and rejected you and replaced you with another man so DIVORCE is the first step. If you both want to R later then that will be possible AFTER she proves to you with ACTIONS for a long time (3 years?) that she is totally dedicated to you and no other man. If she really loves you then she will do this; if she does not then you know how inadequate her love is. You cannot believe her emotions and tears but you can get a lot of trust back with her positive ACTIONS. You do not trust her and she is a source of great pain to you; with that reality you cannot have a good atmosphere for your children. Your children can be just fine with just one good parent; I have seen that in my family.

 

 

Your wife has done great damage to you and your family and must be willing to do whatever is required to mend as much as possible. If she is not willing then you know that you have a weak commitment from her.

 

BH, I now that you are just in the first month after D-day so I know how very difficult it is for you to be certain of anything. I just want you to know that I am impressed by your actions (Divorce attorney) at this very early stage. You are not a door mat.

[harrybrown]

for so long, she cheated.

 

When od you get your 3 year hall pass?

 

File for D, you can co-parent.

 

Have her write out her diary and timeline of the A.

 

She loved him, she did things with him she will never do with you.

 

Has she been tested for stds? he also was having sex with other married women at the same time. He becomes their drug of choice. She is an addict and will hurt you again. She is selfish. She did not care about her boys.

 

and she sure does not care about you or respect you. Have her take a polly on her timeline. Did she ever have him in your bed and did he meet your kids and did she ever have him over to the house? He wanted sex with her and several others as well. He just did not tell her about all his other addicts.

 

he also bragged to his buddies about how easy she is or was. he has told several people all around town with his bragging.

 

She is an addict and is beyond help. 3 years? She loves him and hates you.

 

Get out and just co-parent. Stop all contact with her except for the kids that she never cared about.

 

She will never give you the 3 year hall pass. she has not stopped loving him and missing him. she has kept up contact with her burner phone.

 

she is also looking for the next OM so she can rip your heart out again.

 

She never loved you. You do not do this to someone you love. You do not do this to people you hate. But she did it to you.

 

Save your self some pain and leave. or let her of live with the OM and his wife.

 

just leave you and the boys that she doesn't give a hoot about.

 

If she has to stay , get a post nup so the next time you do not get hurt.

 

Do not let there be a next time.

 

Would she like it if you had a torrid affair? Maybe she needs to find out how that feels.

 

As you think about their affairs, it kills any love you ever had. They are not the person you thought they were. Now she is showing you the real her.

 

Believe her. She will kill any love you ever had each day. Get out.

 

Good luck to you and your boys.

 

I know how they kill the love and after a while, you stop caring after the hate goes away.

 

Get her out of your life so you can start healing from the pain. You heal faster with them out of your life as much as possible.

 

RNs are some of the worst. their workplace is a terrible influence.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why is always the biggest question. It hard to rationalize irrational.

 

She did this for 3-4 years because she wanted to. It's probably just that simple. I wouldn't try and make this more complicated than it is.

 

BetrayedDad, I think the "why" is pretty simple - she preferred being with him to being with you, she preferred sleeping with him to sleeping with you and she preferred the life she imagined with him to the life she had with you.

 

Just so you're clear, that's what you'll have to overlook - and forgive - to stay in the marriage. She made her choice over the course of three years and it wasn't you. Nor sure how you propose spending the rest of your life with someone knowing that to be true...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mikeylo]

Take your time to decide but think about what the above posters have said and I add:

When in her affair, there were many times that there was either a text or call that made her drop you in a second and run to him for an urgent work meeting. She choose him over you many many times, right in front of your eyes, all the time pretending to be loyal and faithful to you. I can ensure you, its still happening, behind the wall and this time, pretending to work on the marriage.

While you are made to believe that she is working hard on marriage, the affair is still on the moment the back is turned.

 

Almost all WS want to stay with spouse. This why is simple. It is here that the entire security, loyalty, love is. The AP was just an ego stroke, fantasy land. When she gets sick, its you who will be there , not AP. He just wants the goodies ,not take her to bathroom if she broke a leg and wake up at night to give her medicine.

 

But the luxury of having the above comes from giving first. She now needs to give but can she?Some people cant be family. Maybe she doesnt want to be a family person? It comes with a lot of responsibility and sacrifice.Can she give up ' friends' ?

 

Children will grow very quickly.Ask me ! When my son left home last year, my wife were sheet scared. But its the best time for us to reconnect and do things that we wanted to do for so long but couldnt as were busy with his school etc. The second part of life is much better that the first.

 

Only you can decide you want to stay or go. That will depend on what she does. If you choose to go, you will find a decent partner and live the second part of your life in bliss and watch your children from afar and be proud.If your kids are brought up with love, they will be each others strengths. Give them the best, even if its without a cheating mother who is so blind at the moment and is looking only for herself and enjoying 'friends'.

 

Keep posting.

[Trtroles]

I apologize for grammar mistakes,English is not my first language.

 

You made a big mistake telling your wife about this thread. It is too early for that. This is your therapy. Now she can play with your emotions even more.

 

Dont forget about her friends who helped her stay in affair and cover up for her.

She was the leader of the gym,she organized meetings and parties.... She met him there,they went public with their affair.

She cared so little about you.

 

She asked for divorce because she wanted to be his wife and leave you for him. He dumped her,trying to save his own marriage,saying your wife was NOTHING to him and all of the sudden your wife wants to be with you !!!

 

Sex was bad she tell you. BIG LIE. You dont risk your family,husband,kids for a "bad sex". He was her world.

Can you imagine what they talked about you ???

 

You have been played. Dont trust her.

[Trtroles]

One more thing.

 

Right now your wife knows what you think about and what your next step is going to be.

 

Be careful when it comes to your kids. Maybe she is seeing her lawyer at this moment and trying to scrw you. Protect yourself.

 

I am telling you this because I was in the same situation.

 

Good luck

[mikeylo]

Dont forget about her friends who helped her stay in affair and cover up for her.

She was the leader of the gym,she organized meetings and parties.... She met him there,they went public with their affair.

She cared so little about you.

 

This got me thinking !

 

OP, in all this time, I'm sure people saw them one time or the other,somewhere? In malls, in restaurants, in gym, in parking lot etc etc. How the hell did she cover it up ? The overt body language always gives away even if they covered up as 'friends' or co workers. The close proximity , the touching, the gazing, the giggles, can never be missed by anyone. Did no one ever see them or probably chose to turn away!

[Furious]

Thank you all for your comments.

 

Just to clarify, while my wife was a SAHM, she usually worked 1 or 2 days a week per diem to hold onto her employment...she is an RN. Several months ago, she did go back to work full-time.

 

Since D-Day, she has removed herself from organizing and joining the weekly biking group that she managed. She has also stayed away from the local running group. She read through this entire thread over the course of a few days. I know it was very difficult for her to read many pages worth of harsh comments knowing that, although anonymous, it was directed at her and her actions. We have discussed divorce and while I'm leaning in that direction, she does appear to be slowing beginning to realize the real impact of her actions.

 

On my way to the lawyer's office yesterday, for the first time ever, she sent me a text confessing to a lie that she had told me. This was voluntary, unprompted, out of the blue, and quite frankly, something I didn't even care about that much...basically she said she never spoke to her out of state friend about the affair when the truth was that she did. I really didn't care either way, but I knew she had to be lying about it. Either way, she swore on our kids that she didn't do it but finally came clean.

 

She has deleted Snapchat and Instagram and agreed to giving me the password(s) for everything (just like I have been doing for her all along). We have been using Find My Friends for about a year, but it turns out she hooked up with him again during that time anyway and I never knew. I still don't know when it was, she said last August or late July...I was away at Scout camp with my boys in late July and took them to see the Monster trucks in early August.

 

This morning, when I woke up after not sleeping for more than maybe 3 hours in the last 2 or 3 days, she told me that she called and left a message with a nearby therapist's office asking to start IC.

 

At this point, I am still leaning towards divorce. If we didn't have 2 young children, I probably would have had her served with papers yesterday. However, her actions and my reaction will affect two innocent little boys that asked for nothing more than two loving parents to provide them with a safe, loving, secure, and stable home. I feel like I can not make a life-altering decision that will have a significant impact on them for the rest of their lives without taking my time and letting my head clear.

 

If I'm honest with myself, I don't think I will ever trust my wife again. I can't see how. An apology doesn't even scratch the surface to "fix this". Primarily for my kids, I feel like I need to give this thing some time and see what real...REAL changes are made. A short-term band aide won't do it and only time will tell. For now, she appears to be taking steps in the right direction.

 

I suppose most people would call me crazy for even considering giving her a chance at reconciliation, but at this point I'm simply taking it one day at a time and going to try not to decide either way because my decision will affect the lives of 2 innocent kids that didn't ask for any of this.

 

 

Gently...you've wrapped your consideration to give reconciliation a chance around your children. The reality is your wife when you finally got the truth of her three year affair she lashed out at you ,and as you said, she said multiple times in the past week she wanted a divorce and the also blamed you as to her choice to cheat.

 

Your wife is a mess and a practiced liar and has no respect for you. Suddenly when you showed strength and took divorce seriously she gives you the impression she's sorry and wants a second chance. You've played into her hands, it's not over until she says it's over, and she has manipulated you into giving her the steering wheel.

 

She left you years ago and her double life was worth the potential of breaking up your family and your children were collateral damage. Odds are she would have left you for the OM if he divorced his wife for her.

 

Your wife was a woman who has two men in her life, now she barely has one man which is you at this point and a broken family. The fall is she lost her gamble, and her ego is taking a dive.