LDR & Jealousy

[johnnyspack]

Hi Loveshackers, this is my first post so go easy on me!

 

I met my girlfriend a year and a half ago on Tinder and after a wonderful first date we started seeing each other. She is 47 and had been in a loveless relationship for 16 years, I'm 50 and had also been in a similar situation. We both have children that we dont want to blend, have busy lives and live one hours flight apart. So we decided to give a long distance relationship a go and generally it's worked really well and we catch up every three to four weeks. I've fallen for her big time and want to marry her (we'd keep the LDR going) and she says she loves me too.

 

The big problem for me is jealousy and insecurity. A year before I met her she started an affair with a work college while she was with her partner. This affair became the catalyst for her to leave her partner and she was in love with this man. After a year it became clear it wasnt going to work and she ended it. She made no mention of this till 6 months into our relationship and she also revealed that she ended it 1 week before we started dating. I was a bit shocked and uneasy about someone who was in a 16 year realtionship, then a 1 year affair then straight onto me. We talked about it at length and basically talked me off the ledge of insecurity. Fast forward a year to now and she has just revealed to me that during that year before we met she also kissed and slept with 10 guys while seeing the man she was having an affair with. All of these happened after plenty of wines at bars with her gal pals and they never went anywhere.

 

I have to say this has rocked me a bit as I feel she's now twice been deceptive with me, firstly about the affair and how soon we started after and now that she was "cheating" on a man that she said she loved (cheating on a cheater?). She's an attractive lady, who loves life and good times and mentions that she "had to kiss a lot of frogs to find her prince" in relation to me. Problem is I'm a bit old fashioned and while her past is non of my business we had been open about previous liasons...or so I thought. I'm worried that as the shine wears off she might in my absence go out with girlfriends, drink too much and do it all again.....once a cheater always a cheater or was it just a big hot mess of a year where she needed to find what she wanted? (BTW in my distant past I too have cheated, so once a hypocrite always a hypocrite!).

[ExpatInItaly]

This is a serial cheater.

 

It might be one thing if she cheated once, learned from her bad decision, and never did it again. But that's not the case. One does not get to "find what they want" in this manner when they are married.

 

In my opinion, she is not someone who is an ideal candidate for another marriage. Especially when it sounds like you would be married but still living apart? What's up with that? And what's the point, really?

[d0nnivain]

Your insecurities are well founded. This woman has poor boundaries. I would rethink the marriage plans. If she is routinely cheating on the 16 year guy who is right there you have every reason to worry about what is going on when you are an hour away by plane. I don't think I would continue this relationship.

 

Normally I'm a fan of falling back on the clichés when breaking up but here I'd tell her that her revelations made you rethink who you understand her to be as a person but you don't like the conclusions you reached & you're bowing out. Wish her well. Leave. Get an STD test & another one 6 months from now.

[MJJean]

Unless you are actually living together her needs will eventually steer her toward other men who can provide her with sex, affection, companionship, and emotional support on tap. Honestly, I'd be surprised if she hasn't had a FWB or ons since you've been a couple. A visit once or twice a month indefinitely ain't gonna cut it for a high drive woman such as she is described.

[johnnyspack]

Yes I hear you all, which is why I've had my doubts. I don't think she cheated on her husband till the end and it was a trigger, but she did then cheat on her lover as she discovered her new found freedoms.

[justwhoiam]

she discovered her new found freedoms.

You nailed it. Maybe the deal with you works mainly because you are not there, not despite not being there. Get it?

 

Also, I'm not sure how to read that not wanting to "blend" children. Children soon or later make decisions on their own. I would teach a child to be accepting of others in general (though still being cautious about some behaviors, regardless of the type of relationship with the other). If that sentence referred to not moving, so that children don't have to move permanently, that's a different story.

 

I don't know what to think about this woman, hooking up with 12 different guys in a year, getting drunk, with a husband at home. My first thought is that maybe she had something even leading up to that time in her life. So maybe she didn't say it all. My other thoughts are that she can be with a man no strings attached. As a woman, I can tell you not all women would be able to stand that. Maybe that's part of the reason why she got into a drinking habit (even if it might be considered as "social drinking").

 

I recommend testing the relationship a bit more before making decisions, especially permanent ones as a marriage. Maybe seeing her 12/15 times is not enough. To really get to know her, you should live with her at least a couple of months while not being on vacation. I mean both of you should be managing your daily routine, not the relax of a vacation. You never know she might have a very ugly side you haven't seen yet.