Normal behaviour or should I be concerned?

[Lucy_8787]

Hi I'm new here and looking for some advice.

 

So I've been with my BF for a few years now and a few things have bothered me in the past that I still let get to me today. My bf is never really subtle with checking out other women in front of me. I've seen him do it many times in the past and I've told him it makes me feel a little insecure and to try to be more discreet in front of me. He also comments about other women in front of me - this doesn't happen as much, but it has happened a few times before. I feel as though I am being a bit uptight about things so I try to turn a blind eye when he does it, but still deep down it does hurt my feelings a little when it happens. Am I being too sensitive and uptight about this??

 

On a second note, there was this girl he used to fancy a bit before we got together. He says he didn't but I think otherwise. I know I shouldn't do this but I have looked through his Instagram a couple of times and she has always been in his top searches. I know by now I should trust him enough not to have to do this - being insecure and unable to fully trust are both downfalls of mine that I am still trying to work on. It can just be so hard when you have been lied to so much in the past. But still, I feel guilty that I haven't respected his privacy. Anyways, him searching this girl gets to me more than anything ie. searching celebs, watching porn etc. Because he knows her, they used to hang out a bit and if it wasn't for her being into his friend at the time, maybe he would've tried to make things happen with her? But in saying that, he did tell me before he even met her that he had feelings for me. The whole thing really confuses me.

 

Should I feel like I'm coming in second best cause he is actively trying to check out her photos etc? Am I that dull he needs to look elsewhere for kicks? Am I overreacting??

 

I guess what I'm asking is - is all of this just normal behaviour for guys?? Am I being overly uptight and paranoid while letting past, unfaithful relationships affect my current one?

 

Any advice would be helpful, especially a guys opinion/perspective.

 

I have never wrote to a forum before, I just feel like I'm running out of options?

 

Thanks so much in advance.

Edited May 24, 2017 by Lucy_8787

[d0nnivain]

Lots of people look. That will never change. However the good ones do it discretely. For him to openly ogle is rude.

 

Him searching this woman he knows who you think he would like to date would make me feel insecure too. That said if all he's doing is looking for her on social media but they are not in contact IRL go for ignorance is bliss & stop checking his phone. If you find out they are meeting in person, that's a different conversation.

[preraph]

If you put up with him looking at women in front of you, he will assume you'll put up with him cheating as well. He is being rude and hurtful. He is after this other woman too, though she may have no use whatever for him.

[Lucy_8787]

Thank so much for your replies. I know I shouldn't look through his phone, it's very sneaky and I hate having that feeling. I don't know why I let my insecurities get the better of me sometimes.

 

If anyone else has any advice please feel free to comment. It'd be much appreciated.

 

Thanks again.

[rushed]

My boyfriend doesn't openly ogle other women in front of me (at least not that I've noticed, because I can be pretty oblivous like that.). However, he has made a comment about another women once ("That's a cute kid. Cute mom, too."). I didn't care, though, because I'm not the jealous type, which he knows. However, if it did bother me I would bring it up to him, because that'd be rude if he continues to do something that he knows bothers you.

 

As for searching for pics of other people, I do that all the time. Sometimes because I'm nosy, sometimes because I'm bored. I have no intention of contacting anyone. I'm just nosy. But. That's just me. Your boyfriend may or may not have the same intention.

[Space Ritual]

Thank so much for your replies. I know I shouldn't look through his phone, it's very sneaky and I hate having that feeling. I don't know why I let my insecurities get the better of me sometimes.

 

If anyone else has any advice please feel free to comment. It'd be much appreciated.

 

Thanks again.

 

Yes I do.

 

don't ever apologize for looking through his stuff. You have been together long enough now that if you think something is amiss and you are not getting very plausible excuses. There is a long debate that will never end here about the snooping stuff. I am in the snooping is ok camp. I consider it invading someone's secrecy.

 

That being said, a LT like you have is an audition for a life together. I would submit to yo that f I made vocal and obvious comments about other women n front of my GF I would probably not have a GF right now. I'd give hims some consequences for continuing to do that crap if I were you. Obviously he does not seem to think you will do anything about it so an open hand slap to his kisser the next time it happens may send him a message.

 

Yes i know some people will bristle a that but generally people don't change really objectionable behaviors unless they feel pain when doing them.

[Gemma1]

I'd give hims some consequences for continuing to do that crap if I were you. Obviously he does not seem to think you will do anything about it so an open hand slap to his kisser the next time it happens may send him a message.

 

Yes i know some people will bristle a that but generally people don't change really objectionable behaviors unless they feel pain when doing them.

Are you out of your mind?

 

OP - Hopefully you are taking everyone's advice with a grain of salt. That being said...

 

What is your boyfriend doing exactly when he checks out other women? Is he turning around and watching them after they pass you guys on the street? Is he looking at them in a way that they could easily notice and be uncomfortable about?

 

If he's not doing these things, then I think what your boyfriend is doing is pretty normal. I still search for old flames on social media pretty regularly because I'm curious what their lives have turned out like. I know my H does too because sometimes he'll randomly tell me that so-and-so got divorced or something. As long as there isn't any inappropriate contact I think it's fine and it doesn't mean he has feelings for her, just a natural curiosity.

 

There's nothing you've said that would worry me personally without other signs of inappropriate behavior. But that's just me - my standards might be different than yours and that's okay.

[Space Ritual]

Are you out of your mind?

 

Lol, hardly...I'm out of Chicago.

 

When someone continues to do the same objectionable thing over and over, their comes a time when simply voicing your displeasure that falls on deaf ears requires a new approach.

 

Life isn't all about time outs and shunning being effective tools of corrective action. If they were then their would never be any grudges lasting more than 2 seconds or resentments that build up in a relationship In act, if those tools were effective all the me, then there would indeed be no need for Loveshack.

 

Guys generally know their girlfriends mean business if they make one to many comments and get slapped. I would fully expect to get slapped if I did that ****e in front of my girlfriend, and apparently her telling him it bugs her has little to no effect. So in that case, they only thing that will wake him up is to go upside is head the next time he does it. The embarrassment factor alone would probably curtail that activity.

[salparadise]

I guess what I'm asking is - is all of this just normal behaviour for guys?? Am I being overly uptight and paranoid while letting past, unfaithful relationships affect my current one?

 

Any advice would be helpful, especially a guys opinion/perspective.

 

 

Everyone, men and women, are bound to notice people of the opposite sex who are very attractive. However, doing so overtly and especially commenting to the person you're with is just crass and disrespectful. Once or twice may be forgivable, but if this is an ongoing behavior that he feels entitled to engage in, well, it would be a deal breaker for most. If a woman did that I'd quickly lose respect for her and see her as having no-class, no judgement or discretion, no loyalty... and I'd be out.

 

Being semi-obsessed with another woman's instagram pics, esp. if he's hot for her falls into the same category.

 

Trust - if you have no reason to distrust someone then snooping through their phone etc., would be unacceptable and a violation of trust in and of itself. But if you've got a real reason to suspect the person of being untrustworthy, then it's due diligence. It's not where you'd want to be, but if that's where you are then getting to the bottom of it is probably justified.

 

It's not about you, so squish that mode of thinking. It's about who he is, and what kind of relationship is possible with a man who has such proclivities. Congruency is a big deal for me, and I'd dump over it. I understand that being attached makes you want to overlook or excuse things that would be instant deal breakers were it not for those feelings... but ultimately it comes down to self-respect and sometimes having to make hard choices when the congruency just isn't there.

[preraph]

I want to just add that this becomes an even bigger problem down the road. If you married and had kids, once your kids are teens, he's going to be leering at and flirting with the teenagers that come around and be "the creepy dad." And then your reputation will also be in question.

[mightycpa]

Lol, hardly...I'm out of Chicago.

 

When someone continues to do the same objectionable thing over and over, their comes a time when simply voicing your displeasure that falls on deaf ears requires a new approach.

 

Life isn't all about time outs and shunning being effective tools of corrective action. If they were then their would never be any grudges lasting more than 2 seconds or resentments that build up in a relationship In act, if those tools were effective all the me, then there would indeed be no need for Loveshack.

 

Guys generally know their girlfriends mean business if they make one to many comments and get slapped. I would fully expect to get slapped if I did that ****e in front of my girlfriend, and apparently her telling him it bugs her has little to no effect. So in that case, they only thing that will wake him up is to go upside is head the next time he does it. The embarrassment factor alone would probably curtail that activity.

Or, given that women are full equals, it's a good way to get hit back.

[Gemma1]

Lol, hardly...I'm out of Chicago.

 

When someone continues to do the same objectionable thing over and over, their comes a time when simply voicing your displeasure that falls on deaf ears requires a new approach.

 

Life isn't all about time outs and shunning being effective tools of corrective action. If they were then their would never be any grudges lasting more than 2 seconds or resentments that build up in a relationship In act, if those tools were effective all the me, then there would indeed be no need for Loveshack.

 

Guys generally know their girlfriends mean business if they make one to many comments and get slapped. I would fully expect to get slapped if I did that ****e in front of my girlfriend, and apparently her telling him it bugs her has little to no effect. So in that case, they only thing that will wake him up is to go upside is head the next time he does it. The embarrassment factor alone would probably curtail that activity.

This is just ridiculous. If you have to resort to physical violence to get someone to behave the way you want them to behave, you should leave them first. There is no justification for this.

[kendahke]

People treat you the way they feel about you.

 

You feel what you feel and it's neither right or wrong.

 

You feel Instagram is harming your relationship, and that's valid if that's how you feel.

Instagram, to me, is nothing. I follow men that I know and don't know on there; and I like and comment on their posts, but it doesn't mean I want to get with them.

 

The ogling other women, however, is an issue and it's an issue of blatant disrespect, especially if it's ongoing behavior he already knows bothers you, yet he still does it. He's telling you that your feelings don't matter to him. What you do with that information it totally up to you because he's not going to change just because you complain and pout about it. If that worked, this thread wouldn't be here.

 

Yes, stern consequences need to be applied, but nothing that will land you in an orange jumpsuit courtesy of the county jail. Removing access to your person is a pretty stern consequence. When he does that the next time, you get up, call Uber or walk to your car and leave him where he stands and on your way home, think long and hard on breaking up with him because he yet again showed you that you don't matter to him. He will keep doing this with every chance you give him by taking him back. One day, it's going to be one time too many for you. Only you know when that day has arrived. I'd have been there a long time ago.

Edited May 25, 2017 by kendahke

[Miss Peach]

Lol, hardly...I'm out of Chicago.

 

When someone continues to do the same objectionable thing over and over, their comes a time when simply voicing your displeasure that falls on deaf ears requires a new approach.

 

Life isn't all about time outs and shunning being effective tools of corrective action. If they were then their would never be any grudges lasting more than 2 seconds or resentments that build up in a relationship In act, if those tools were effective all the me, then there would indeed be no need for Loveshack.

 

Guys generally know their girlfriends mean business if they make one to many comments and get slapped. I would fully expect to get slapped if I did that ****e in front of my girlfriend, and apparently her telling him it bugs her has little to no effect. So in that case, they only thing that will wake him up is to go upside is head the next time he does it. The embarrassment factor alone would probably curtail that activity.

 

I don't agree with the violence part of this but nagging him over and over isn't working and it might be time to show him with your actions.

[Lucy_8787]

Are you out of your mind?

 

OP - Hopefully you are taking everyone's advice with a grain of salt. That being said...

 

What is your boyfriend doing exactly when he checks out other women? Is he turning around and watching them after they pass you guys on the street? Is he looking at them in a way that they could easily notice and be uncomfortable about?

 

If he's not doing these things, then I think what your boyfriend is doing is pretty normal. I still search for old flames on social media pretty regularly because I'm curious what their lives have turned out like. I know my H does too because sometimes he'll randomly tell me that so-and-so got divorced or something. As long as there isn't any inappropriate contact I think it's fine and it doesn't mean he has feelings for her, just a natural curiosity.

 

There's nothing you've said that would worry me personally without other signs of inappropriate behavior. But that's just me - my standards might be different than yours and that's okay.

Yes For example we were having dinner together one time and a girl walked past and he pretty much turned his whole body when following her with his eyes. I said to him like what the hell?? He knew I was upset but he just made an excuse and basically denied it. I don't want to sound like I am making him out to be this horrible person cause he isn't it. I just wish he had a little more consideration for me and my feelings. I know how much it would upset him if I did that to me. It just sucks.

[Lucy_8787]

Everyone, men and women, are bound to notice people of the opposite sex who are very attractive. However, doing so overtly and especially commenting to the person you're with is just crass and disrespectful. Once or twice may be forgivable, but if this is an ongoing behavior that he feels entitled to engage in, well, it would be a deal breaker for most. If a woman did that I'd quickly lose respect for her and see her as having no-class, no judgement or discretion, no loyalty... and I'd be out.

 

Being semi-obsessed with another woman's instagram pics, esp. if he's hot for her falls into the same category.

 

Trust - if you have no reason to distrust someone then snooping through their phone etc., would be unacceptable and a violation of trust in and of itself. But if you've got a real reason to suspect the person of being untrustworthy, then it's due diligence. It's not where you'd want to be, but if that's where you are then getting to the bottom of it is probably justified.

 

It's not about you, so squish that mode of thinking. It's about who he is, and what kind of relationship is possible with a man who has such proclivities. Congruency is a big deal for me, and I'd dump over it. I understand that being attached makes you want to overlook or excuse things that would be instant deal breakers were it not for those feelings... but ultimately it comes down to self-respect and sometimes having to make hard choices when the congruency just isn't there.

I know. Trust is key in any relationship. And it makes me feel like crap when he brings out little insecurities in me, which in turn makes me check his phone for example. But really it shouldn't make me do anything. Me checking his phone is on me and me only, I admit that. I just feel well confused about what to do because I do really love him and care for him. But always thinking he is up to something or thinking I need to check his phone is rather exhausting, I would hate to live the rest of my life doing that sort of thing. I'm just so confused and sad. It really is a lonely world when you can't trust anyone.

[Gemma1]

If that is the case, then I'm not sure what you should do. I would be pretty annoyed if my H did that all the time, and I don't have a jealous bone in my body. I just think it is juvenile and makes a guy look kind of desperate. But the #1 rule of dating is that he's not going to change, so I think you know your options...

[kendahke]

Yes For example we were having dinner together one time and a girl walked past and he pretty much turned his whole body when following her with his eyes. I said to him like what the hell?? He knew I was upset but he just made an excuse and basically denied it. I don't want to sound like I am making him out to be this horrible person cause he isn't it. I just wish he had a little more consideration for me and my feelings. I know how much it would upset him if I did that to me. It just sucks.

 

He is a horrible person if he's gaslighting you when you saw him turn his body completely around to follow another woman through a restaurant. The very fact that he does this while at the same time reserving the right to be upset if you did the same to him demonstrates that he's a horrible person.

 

No one who respects you treats you like that.

 

Again:

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[kendahke]

I know. Trust is key in any relationship. And it makes me feel like crap when he brings out little insecurities in me, which in turn makes me check his phone for example. But really it shouldn't make me do anything. Me checking his phone is on me and me only, I admit that. I just feel well confused about what to do because I do really love him and care for him. But always thinking he is up to something or thinking I need to check his phone is rather exhausting, I would hate to live the rest of my life doing that sort of thing. I'm just so confused and sad. It really is a lonely world when you can't trust anyone.

 

Let me ask you a question and I want you to think really long and hard before you respond:

 

Do you like the person you've had to become in order to have this particular guy in your life?

 

There really is a very good remedy for a lonely world: stop binding yourself to people you can't trust. It's a waste of your youth and will age you before your time.

[elaine567]

It is all about respect and he doesn't respect you enough as a person to stop ogling other women whilst he is out with you and to stop searching obsessively for his "friend" on Instagram.

Idly looking up people on social media when bored, is a lot different from doing it so often that this woman regularly appears in his top searches...

 

Giving him a slap is not seen as PC in 2017, but it is exactly what he needs so that he pays attention to you, BUT saying that, do you really want to spend your life with a guy who is.this uncouth?

[smackie9]

Why are you dating this clown? The only way to be happy about this is to dump him and find a man that respects you....pretty simple. Please go find your self worth....it will change your life.

[alphamale]

I guess what I'm asking is - is all of this just normal behaviour for guys?? Am I being overly uptight and paranoid while letting past, unfaithful relationships affect my current one?

yes it is common behavior for guys. there is not much you can do but make yourself as sexy as possible for him. you could also try checking out other hot guys in front of him to make him see how it feels

[preraph]

^ Really? She should reward his really bad behavior by trying to look sexy? You never reward bad behavior. It only encourages more bad behavior.

[smackie9]

Maybe she should sexy herself up and ogle other men in front of him.....would like to see his reaction to that.

[KatieLaw]

I never cared about the ogling until my H cheated. Our therapist suggested I snap my fingers if he goes too far.

 

I look, too, but try not to be too obvious. The other day, I had to force my self to stop staring at my friend's neighbor. He's a human being, Katie. His eyes are on his face.

 

I did voter registration with a 72-year-old woman and she said the only fringe benefit was getting to check out the hot guys.