Help me with my shyness please! :(

[Guest]

Hello. I am a 17 year old male and have never had problems making friends but for the past few years I have become really shy around girls, especially ones I really like. Lately I have been getting angry at myself because a few months ago this really awesome gorgeously fit girl gave me her number (and I mean awesome. ^_^) but I have not had the courage to phone her. Have I completely lost my chances?

 

Can someone give me advice on how to overcome my shyness problem. Thanks..

[AMBOMB72]

Here are 10 signs a girl is flirting with you:

 

Number 10

 

She keeps glancing over

Are her eyes aimed at you every time you look her way? And does she avert her gaze whenever you catch her staring? Then you might have a live here. If she doesn't prolong the eye contact, then she's probably shy and needs a little coaxing from you. Go up to her, introduce yourself, and get her talking. You know you're doing well when...

 

Number 9

 

She smiles at you

The smile is the ultimate sign of openness and friendliness, provided it is genuine. Many people force a smile when trying to be polite, but they tend to be fairly obvious about it. If she shows her teeth and has that sparkle in her eye, then you can deduce that she's enjoying your company. Your only job is to keep her smiling by smiling back.

 

Number 8

 

She goes out of her way to get you to notice her

If, on her way from point A to point B, she takes an unnecessary detour through point C (you), she might be trying to get your attention. For instance, if she walks by your table "on her way" to the washroom in a coffee shop, but your table is located at the opposite end of the restrooms, she is probably interested. Why else would she be taking the long way? If she smiles at you on her way, consider your job half done.

 

Number 7

 

She plays with her hair

Women's hair is a source of power and confidence to them -- why else would they get so devastated after a bad haircut? They tap into its power at key moments, subconsciously unleashing its seductive potential. If you see her twirling her finger through it or throwing it around, like in a shampoo commercial, then you have a potential flirt in your midst.

 

This goes for body language in general. Some women like exposing their necks, prepping their clothes, or placing their arms in front of them in a way that their biceps push their breasts together, augmenting their cleavage. Some magazines tell women to let their shoes dangle at their toes, displaying the curvature of their feet, which men, apparently, associate with their other curves. However, if she's crossing her arms, it means she's distancing herself. Be alert.

 

Number 6

 

She initiates the conversation

Taking the first step to initiate a connection with you is a huge sign that she's interested. If she tells you something like "You remind me of someone I know," which begs a response and subsequent conversation, that's a concrete sign.

 

During the conversation, she may further convey her interest by asking you open-ended questions -- watch out fellas, they're starting to use our own weapons against us! She might also whisper "secrets" to you, bringing your faces close together, perhaps letting you get a good whiff of her perfume.

 

Is she repeating your name back to you?

 

Number 5

 

She laughs at your jokes

When you relate a funny story, does she throw her head back in riotous laughter or does she just look at you and say, "Is that supposed to be funny?" A big part of flirting involves reactions to the partner, so if she acts captivated by your words, you're in the green. Other reactions that convey approval include asking "really?", "wow" and opening her mouth in amused disbelief.

 

Number 4

 

She asks if you like certain activities

Does she ask you about your hobbies? Is she being more specific, and asking you if you like a particular pastime? Although she is not actually asking you for a date, it's an implied way of doing it. She could be leading up to asking you out or paving the ground for you to pop the question instead. If the activity in question is dancing, movies or dinner, then it is almost certain.

 

Number 3

 

She pays you a compliment

Women are sparse with compliments, so if she throws one your way, you can pat yourself on the back. This is especially good if it has to do with your physique, as this implies that she is attracted to you. Another way she may demonstrate her interest is by repeating your name, letting you know that you are memorable and establishing a closer, more intimate connection with her.

 

Number 2

 

She makes sexual comments

Some women like to put themselves in the mood by talking about things that turn them on. It brings out their frisky side. So if she steers the conversation to sexy topics, she could be trying to pull you into a flirting crescendo that might lead to a veritable verbal foreplay. Most times they will keep it understated and tasteful, so you should do the same. A crass slip-up is a sure-fire way to ruin the rapport.

 

Number 1

 

She touches you

When a woman breaks the contact barrier during a conversation, it is almost a sure sign that she's interested. It can be as obvious as touching your arm or knee while making a point, or as faint as having her knees come into contact with yours under the table. But you must make sure that she makes the first skin convergence.

 

A less direct way is if she mirrors your body language, which is something women do subconsciously. When you lean in, she leans in. When you rest your elbows on the table, she does the same. Duplicating your actions is her way of showing you that she's "in-synch" with you.

 

flirt freely

 

Since some of the above signals could just be gestures of friendliness on a woman's part, you should count a minimum of four before you conclude that she is, indeed, flirting with you. If she commits five or more, your evening is set.

 

So now you know the theory, but recognizing her signals on the spot takes time, especially when they're too subtle to be detected by the untrained eye. And though you should constantly be alert, don't get yourself into a state of tense vigilance, where you're looking for nothing else but the aforementioned signs. Keep cool, relax and enjoy yourself. In time, women's flirtation techniques will become as clear as traffic signals.

[SHYLad]

Thanks a lot. But do you reckon I have lost my chances now with this specific girl? I sent her a text message but she won't reply...I think I messed up badly and I really like her... *CRIES*

[AMBOMB72]

There's one thing I don't understand. What were you afraid of? This girl gave you her number. She wouldn't have done that if she wasn't interested. What were you afraid would happen if you did call her? I have no way of knowing if you've lost your chances or not. Call her. Don't send a text message. Dial the phone!

[SHYLad]

Originally posted by AMBOMB72

There's one thing I don't understand. What were you afraid of? This girl gave you her number. She wouldn't have done that if she wasn't interested. What were you afraid would happen if you did call her? I have no way of knowing if you've lost your chances or not. Call her. Don't send a text message. Dial the phone!

 

That's the problem. Iv'e tried calling but I hang up as I am to shy. I don't know what I should say beyound the usual "Hi, how are you?" part of the conversation.

[JS17]

Originally posted by SHYLad

Thanks a lot. But do you reckon I have lost my chances now with this specific girl? I sent her a text message but she won't reply...I think I messed up badly and I really like her... *CRIES*

 

maybe, maybe not. i agree that you should pick up the phone and call her. most guys don't call because they're not interested or playing games so a woman's mind generally doesn't naturally go to the thought that the man is shy. i've had guys tell me that they liked me but they were shy and i gave them more time and room and probably acted more agressively. i can handle someone saying I like you but I'm kinda shy better than being jerked around or having the guy not call.

[Horse]

1. Practice. Force yourself to talk as many women as possible. If it helps, start with women that you are only a little attracted to, so you are not so nervous. After a while it will get easier to approach and talk to women.

 

Shyness is based on fear of rejection. If you talk to a lot of women, you will most likely get rejected a lot. After a while you will get used to it. You will almost expect it. It will be easier to approach women because it doesn't matter if most women reject you as long as there are a few nice ones who don't.

 

 

2. Don't put all of you eggs in one basket. If you obsess on one girl, then chances are you are going to be super nervous when you approach her and you will take it a lot harder if you are rejected. If you concentrate one one girl, you are just setting youself up for failure.

 

Also there is a thing called percieved value. People want what everyone else wants. If you talk to a bunch of women and a few like you, then other women will wonder why those women like you and be more interested. If they think you are sitting home on Friday nights because you can't find anyone to hang out with you, then they won't be very interested.

 

If other girls like you, then the chances of that one girl being interested increases.

 

You can take this too far and come accross as a player, but that's kind of hard for 17 year old guy to do.

[AMBOMB72]

What are you afraid will happen if you call her? Like I said, she gave you her number. She wouldn't have done that if she wasn't interested. And, since you're so shy, it was probably her that initiated contact in the first place. Am I right?

[crazy_grl]

I might have some insight into why you're still scared to call her even though you got positive confirmation that she's interested... or at least hopefully I have something helpful.

 

People have always called me shy, much less recently, but constantly all the way up through high school. I hardly ever talked to people and rarely knew what to say until I was completely comfortable with the people and the situation. Now that I've forced myself to open up more, I've found I can be friends with someone for awhile, and when they see something a little too personal, especially something that might be considered negative, or they get too close, I can get extremely nervous. Sometimes that lasts for days. During that time I get freaked out about talking to anyone. I'm afriad I'm going to say something wrong or maybe chase them away entirely.

 

For me, the most prominent fear isn't rejection, but the fear of the person getting too close. Obviously rejection is underneath it, because I'm afraid that once they get closer, they won't like what they see and will reject me. Maybe if you really like her, but couldn't call her, something like that is your problem too.

 

There's a book called 'Speak Without Fear' that promises to help you figure out the reasons people are shy and have problems with public speaking and what to do about it. I haven't read it, so I can't recommend it, but you can check it out.

 

About the girl, I think the only thing you can do is call her and appologize. Tell her you'll make it up to her by taking her out. Be specific on what you're going to take her out for. And try to think of something more interesting and harder to pass up than dinner or a movie.

 

If you can't come up with anything, tell her you'll take her to any place of her choosing. But there's a bad and good way to do that.

 

Bad: "Let me make it up to you by taking you out." "Where?" "You pick."

 

Good: "Let me make it up to you by taking you out any place you'd like. If there's something you've always wanted to do but haven't, we can do it."

 

Hope that helps.

[ShyLad]

Thanks a lot for your replies.

 

What are you afraid will happen if you call her? Like I said, she gave you her number. She wouldn't have done that if she wasn't interested. And, since you're so shy, it was probably her that initiated contact in the first place. Am I right?

 

Yes you're right.

[Shylad]

May I just add that It's also hard for me to call people because I stutter (usually when nervous..). That's why I find it easier to send text messages or to express myself in a visual form. If only she knew how hard this is for me..

 

Thanks guys I am sure I will overcome this shyness sooner or later.

[AMBOMB72]

You need to look at this from a different perspective. The important thing is she reciprocated your feelings. Whether or not you go out on a date with this girl is unimportant. So don't sweat it. Just give her a call. If she doesn't want to go out, it's no big deal. Remember, she reciprocated your feelings. You'll always have that. If she doesn't want to go out, stick that feather in your cap and move on. Out of curiosity, what exactly transpired between the two of you when you first met?

[AMBOMB72]

You need to look at this from a different perspective. The important thing is she reciprocated your feelings. What happens from here on out is unimportant. So don't sweat it. Give her a call. If she rejects you, it's no big deal. Remember, she reciprocated your feelings. That's a feather for your cap for all time, no matter what happens.

[Shylad]

Originally posted by AMBOMB72

You need to look at this from a different perspective. The important thing is she reciprocated your feelings. Whether or not you go out on a date with this girl is unimportant. So don't sweat it. Just give her a call. If she doesn't want to go out, it's no big deal. Remember, she reciprocated your feelings. You'll always have that. If she doesn't want to go out, stick that feather in your cap and move on. Out of curiosity, what exactly transpired between the two of you when you first met?

 

Well I sort of knew her already but not loads, but she was the one to initiate the conversation. With a big smile and wink.

 

Well as I already said I'll get over the shyness hopefully soon enough.

[AMBOMB72]

Did you ask for her number or did she give it to you unsolicited?

[Shylad]

Originally posted by AMBOMB72

Did you ask for her number or did she give it to you unsolicited?

 

She gave it to me. She asked for mine but umm...well I told her a stupid excuse why I couldn't give it to her...*OH WTF WAS I THINKING!*

[AMBOMB72]

I have an idea. Why don't you have someone else call her for you? Do you have any mutual friends?

[Gold Pile]

pretend the girls are just one of the guys (but be more polite) you'll talk easier that way. Don't pressure yourself with getting sex from them. Make having conversations with girls your temp goal.

 

It took me many years to find out women make pretty good friends, even if sex is out of the question.

 

Of course when you're more comfortable in general, you'll want to learn how to treat them better and flirt too.

 

 

Gold Pile has a heart too.

[Shylad]

Originally posted by AMBOMB72

I have an idea. Why don't you have someone else call her for you? Do you have any mutual friends?

 

Yes I can get someone else to call her for me..but to say what exactly?

[AMBOMB72]

Have the go between tell her that you wanted to get in touch with her, but you were too shy. Have him give her your number so she can call you.

[Shylad]

Originally posted by AMBOMB72

Have the go between tell her that you wanted to get in touch with her, but you were too shy. Have him give her your number so she can call you.

 

Ok thanks a lot for your help. Just curious but what does the AM in your name stand for?

 

Edit: Also you seem to know what you're talking about.. Could you take a look at the topic I made in the COPING forum and see if you can offer some advice? Its titled "I am depressed. Help!".

[JS17]

Shylad, I think you're best off calling her yourself. If nothing else, it will be good practice for you. You can't have someone call your prospective dates for the rest of your life. Now is the time to learn while you're still young. Just get up some courage and do it. You won't be scared if you really believe that you have nothing to lose. By not calling at all, you have 0 chance so by calling you're only increasing your chances with this girl.

 

Having a speech impediment is fine but it seems to bother you and is causing you performance anxiety (which is why you can't call this girl). Have you thought about Speech Therapy?

[Shylad]

Originally posted by JS17

Shylad, I think you're best off calling her yourself. If nothing else, it will be good practice for you. You can't have someone call your prospective dates for the rest of your life. Now is the time to learn while you're still young. Just get up some courage and do it. You won't be scared if you really believe that you have nothing to lose. By not calling at all, you have 0 chance so by calling you're only increasing your chances with this girl.

 

Having a speech impediment is fine but it seems to bother you and is causing you performance anxiety (which is why you can't call this girl). Have you thought about Speech Therapy?

 

No because it's only when I get really nervous.

[JS17]

you can learn some deep breathing exercises to calm yourself when you get nervous.

 

by waiting to call this girl you are only building up the anticipation and blowing the event of the phone call out of proportion. the sooner you call her, the easier it will be.

[Marshbear32]

Originally posted by JS17

Shylad, I think you're best off calling her yourself. If nothing else, it will be good practice for you. You can't have someone call your prospective dates for the rest of your life. Now is the time to learn while you're still young. Just get up some courage and do it. You won't be scared if you really believe that you have nothing to lose. By not calling at all, you have 0 chance so by calling you're only increasing your chances with this girl.

 

 

Do not have someone else call her. The girl will think you are a total twit. If you are shy you have to make yourself do something you don't want to do. There is a price for everything that is worth striving for. If you want the girl you are going to have to make the effort. Even if she won't talk to you now that you have waited so long you will still know that you went for it. This will help you for the next girl. Practice makes perfect. Dating is a process and we all learn from the experience. If you want zero effort then order a mail-order date.

 

Go to the phone right now and make yourself dial her number. Do it now. Don't wait until you talk yourself out of it.

Don't think of your stutter problem, just call. You will know what to say.