j402 Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 My husband of 11 years told me 7 days ago that he is done and wants out. He's already moved into a hotel and plans to get an apartment. He said he'll be fair with the assets and go 50/50. And that's fine with me. Our relationship was rocky at times and he is so emotionally abusive that I spent most of the marriage secretly wanting out, I should be glad it's finally over yet I feel so completely devastated. I cried non-stop for 3 days and now I am just barely coping with day to day work and life. I suspect but have no proof that he's talking to someone. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to move forward with this loss and make the pain ease up? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 First of all, be prepared to lawyer up if he starts fudging on 50/50. His idea of 50/50 and reality of it may be two different things. But be glad it's over and you didn't have to fight your way out of the marriage. He has no doubt been looking online like just about every guys does and gotten the idea someone else wants him. You should just attend to your immediate needs, a place to live, maybe a roommate, possibly a second job if you feel you will need more money now. It will be a big change, but as long as you don't jump right into another abusive relationship, it will be a good change. So sit back and also read some things about abusive behavior and red flags to look for (I know Dr. Phil has a book on that) and really process and learn from this experience so you know how to avoid the telltale signs of an abuser in the future. If you go out before you have had time to heal and process and learn from this, you run the risk of latching onto the same kind of guy again -- and predators can sense your vulnerability in that regard, so you need to learn and strengthen yourself before dating again. But as soon as you're settled, go have fun with friends and family and take up activities you always wanted to do. Make a point of doing something fun and interesting every week. it will build your self-esteem, be a great distraction, and keep you from getting too depressed and scared. I wish you the very best luck going forward. You are free! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 Check your phone bill online. The truth helps a lot 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 If you want to stop being sad you're going to need to get good and angry. It's the quickest best way to achieve that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
health Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 (edited) My husband of 11 years told me 7 days ago that he is done and wants out. He's already moved into a hotel and plans to get an apartment. He said he'll be fair with the assets and go 50/50. And that's fine with me. Our relationship was rocky at times and he is so emotionally abusive that I spent most of the marriage secretly wanting out, I should be glad it's finally over yet I feel so completely devastated. I cried non-stop for 3 days and now I am just barely coping with day to day work and life. I suspect but have no proof that he's talking to someone. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to move forward with this loss and make the pain ease up? There is no quick fix here. The best way out is to mourn your loss even uncontrollably. Cry, write, exercise. The worst quick fixes are sleeping around, alcohol etc etc Cause when the highs wear off the pain magnifies. Heal the right, authentic way. Then when you're really ready - usually minimum after a year then try dating. Forgive him, but cut him out as completely as you can. All the best, and much love! Edited May 25, 2017 by health 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 If you want to stop being sad you're going to need to get good and angry. And hopefully, some of that anger will be righteous. As Marc said, check your phone bill. In fact, go online and look at financial accounts, social media, email, etc. I'd guess you'll go quickly from hurting to homicidal when you open your eyes and see what's really occurring. When most spouses jump from an otherwise functioning marriage, they've already picked out a place to land... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 Does anyone have any suggestions on how to move forward with this loss and make the pain ease up? You move forward one step at a time, one day at a time. 7 days are the announcement that your 11 year marriage is ending is just the beginning. This process will take years. Generally you have to live separate & apart for at least 1 year before you can even file. In the short term prepare yourself for the gamut of emotions that are going to come. You have to grieve. Even though you know intellectually that this is a good thing because the relationship was rocky, it's still a loss. Surround yourself with supportive friends & Family. If things get overwhelming consider joining a divorce support group. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author j402 Posted May 25, 2017 Author Share Posted May 25, 2017 Thanks for the great advice, everyone. What hurts the most is how cold he is. I cried ALL weekend in another room while he just snoozed away on the couch like this is no big deal to him. To make matters worse, my 11 year old daughter had to witness it all. I try so hard to be strong in front of her but sometimes, I simply can't. I'm slowing turning the pain into anger. One day at a time... Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 Don't let the fear of being alone override your prior feelings of wanting out. Your mind is just in defensive mode, he doesn't want you so it's a normal reaction to be defensive to that and want it back. "Why is he leaving me? Why aren't I good enough". And so you crave to get that back But really. You don't want it back. Your better off without it. Link to post Share on other sites
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