grof Posted August 3, 2005 Share Posted August 3, 2005 Hey, this seems like a really good forum! It is right on target for my current situation. My girlfriend and I broke up six months ago, but we have been determined to stay friends. This has become sort of difficult lately because the question of sex seems to be getting in the way. We get together on the weekends and still very much enjoy each others company, perhaps a little too much a times. She loves to get back rubs and foot rubs, and I love giving them to her. We can spend hours with me rubbing her legs and stroking her arms, and it gets kind of erotic at times. This is all great. I hate to spoil it, but I can't help wanting to go farther. I keep testing the waters, and things progress nicely, but when I raise the question of sex, she gets upset. Although it seems like old times and we are both enjoying ourselves, I end up feeling like I have done something wrong. I feel as if I, alone, have been putting the moves on her and putting our friendship in jeopardy. We had a lot of problems in our relationship, but we knew how to make each other feel good. I want to be that way with her again, but I don't want to have a serious relationship. Is this wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 3, 2005 Share Posted August 3, 2005 Originally posted by grof I keep testing the waters, What in the hel* are you doing ? You shouldn't have to "TEST" the waters.. Talk to her and tell her what you want out of the relationship.. If she isn't willing to give you what you are looking for then she is not the one for you. NEVER take the friendship route.. Show some self respect for yourself. Communicate.. If that doesn't work then it is her loss Link to post Share on other sites
Author grof Posted August 3, 2005 Author Share Posted August 3, 2005 Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall What in the hel* are you doing ? You shouldn't have to "TEST" the waters.. ... NEVER take the friendship route.. Show some self respect for yourself. ... Perhaps I should explain. By "testing the waters" I am referring to a pattern of fore-play that she and I established when we were living together. We never had reason to simply ask "Do you want to do it?" We just played little games to assess each other's mood. Then, if we were both in the mood, one thing would lead seamlessly into another, without making an explicit decision. But now that we are not in a relationship, there is a distinct point where we have to agree to be lovers again. Why do you suggest that there is a lack of self-respect in "the friendship route"? Not to argue with you, but I think it takes an extraordinary amount of respect both for myself and for my (girl)friend to want to have a relationship that doesn't involve sex. It seems to require a view of each other that is based on personality, rather than mere physiology. To answer my own questions, I think that she and I need to work on other ways of achieving intimacy. When we were together, sex was a prominent way of expressing intimacy between us. Still wanting intimacy with her, but without other means, I fall into the familiar pattern of physical connectedness. Out of respect for both of us, I intend to improve how we communicate in non-physical ways. She and I both have limited communication skills, but I believe that we still have the potential to achieve an empathetic, emotional bonding. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to improve intimacy between past-lovers-now-friends? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 3, 2005 Share Posted August 3, 2005 another good reason for not staying friends with an ex. Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 3, 2005 Share Posted August 3, 2005 Originally posted by grof Why do you suggest that there is a lack of self-respect in "the friendship route"? Not to argue with you, but I think it takes an extraordinary amount of respect both for myself and for my (girl)friend to want to have a relationship that doesn't involve sex. It seems to require a view of each other that is based on personality, rather than mere physiology. She has already slapped a tag on you and you won't be able to remove it.. "friend". Why are you willing to settle for a relationship that used to have a physical connection..She won't give you the connection again.. She is just keeping you around to make herself feel better. This is where the self respect issue comes in.. by being her " friend " you are settling.. Don't settle.. She won't as soon as she finds a guy that trips her trigger your history.. even the friendship will be gone It seems to me that you are floating in the clouds with romantics believing in the whole "rather than mere physiology". come down to earth where your ex lives.. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 3, 2005 Share Posted August 3, 2005 Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall She has already slapped a tag on you and you won't be able to remove it.. "friend". Why are you willing to settle for a relationship that used to have a physical connection..She won't give you the connection again.. She is just keeping you around to make herself feel better. This is where the self respect issue comes in.. by being her " friend " you are settling.. Don't settle.. She won't as soon as she finds a guy that trips her trigger your history.. even the friendship will be gone It seems to me that you are floating in the clouds with romantics believing in the whole "rather than mere physiology". come down to earth where your ex lives.. I agree 110% with everything above....could not have said it better me self! Link to post Share on other sites
Author grof Posted August 3, 2005 Author Share Posted August 3, 2005 A Fly onThe Wall, Alphamale, Thank you both for your responses. I appreciate your advice, and will take it under advisement. Nevertheless, is there anyone who agrees with my desire to be friends with my "ex"? At the risk of sounding hopelessly pathetic, can you imagine why a friendship still means a lot to me. She is one of the few friends I have, and many of my other friends are also her friends. She is a very sweet girl, who also needs some real friends, and I am one of the few people who have gotten to know her very well and stuck with her. Maybe it is romantic of me, but I don't want to throw away a deep personal connection with someone just because we have stopped having sex together. Does anyone agree? I am asking about how to preserve a friendship after a relationship. The question of whether or not a friendship is desirable, is not at issue for me here. Does anyone have any suggestions for this goal? Link to post Share on other sites
Author grof Posted August 3, 2005 Author Share Posted August 3, 2005 Ooops, double post... Link to post Share on other sites
thrillseeker Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 You're not being a friend by "testing the waters". You are being totally deceptive. And she's not being a friend either. Solid high quality friendships are not sexual. I have a few female friends and they are awesome friends because we know where we stand with each other. I agree with the other boys here. You're being your former gf's emotional tampon. When she finds someone to replace you you're def history bub!! I'm sorry, the only way two people can friends after they were involved is to become strangers. Then they can be friends. The emotional tie needs to DIE. Originally posted by grof A Fly onThe Wall, Alphamale, Thank you both for your responses. I appreciate your advice, and will take it under advisement. Nevertheless, is there anyone who agrees with my desire to be friends with my "ex"? At the risk of sounding hopelessly pathetic, can you imagine why a friendship still means a lot to me. She is one of the few friends I have, and many of my other friends are also her friends. She is a very sweet girl, who also needs some real friends, and I am one of the few people who have gotten to know her very well and stuck with her. Maybe it is romantic of me, but I don't want to throw away a deep personal connection with someone just because we have stopped having sex together. Does anyone agree? I am asking about how to preserve a friendship after a relationship. The question of whether or not a friendship is desirable, is not at issue for me here. Does anyone have any suggestions for this goal? Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 Originally posted by thrillseeker emotional tampon Now that phrase is funny Link to post Share on other sites
Author grof Posted August 4, 2005 Author Share Posted August 4, 2005 Well... Other people are apparently so quick to pass judgement on me. This makes it difficult for me to restrain my thoughts about them... ...But I am not unaware of prevailing social/sexual attitudes, and have no pretensions of changing the world.... Anyway, I believe that this whole question is in the wrong forum. This is, I think, supposed to be about relationships going from platonic to erotic, not the other way around. So, I guess I will take my situation somewhere else. Again, thanks for the input. Peace [gone] Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 Hi Grof, You've got two options here... 1) Be her friend, with no touching. 2) Not be her friend. You two broke up, and you've decided to be friends. That's great, but realistically, I have one ex in 36 years where there is a healthy friendship. I truthfully don't think that these work out too well, because one person always ends up wanting more, as evidenced here but what you've said. You want more out of the friendship, FWB, you want to be her lover. It doesn't sound like she is into the friends with benefits thing, as you've mentioned that she gets upset every time that you mention sex. So, if you want to still try to be her friend, stop touching her. On the other hand, you've always got the "not be her friend" option, which is probably the healthier choice. It's just a lot easier to move on. You still want her, maybe not in the way that you did before, but you still want to have sex with her and it doesn't sound like she's comfortable with that. So, unfortunately, my vote too is with NC. Sorry. Who broke up with whom here? I assume that you both want to be friends? It sounds more like you want to be her lover, with no strings attached and she wants to be friends... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 Neither of you will be able to "fully" move on if you keep intouch. Enough time has to pass before those intense feelings and deep caring goes away. Personally, I think what you're each doing is prolonging the necessary pain and closure. By being friends, you're hurting yourself WILLINGLY. Ouch. If you can handle it, great, kudos to you! But most tend to feel that pain of not being able to be with that person anymore. The friendship dynamtic has to do a complete 180 and right now that may not be possible. You have to care less, not worry, not be concerned and definately NOT be part of eachother's daily life. Then and only then possibly could a nice friendship come out of this. Until the next relationship comes along, the other person will feel odd that you've got a 'friendship' with your ex. Just my thoughts on this... Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 Fly ! Excellent Post Link to post Share on other sites
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