He doesn't have income but he wants to go on a cruise and have me pay for it

[howdoifindresolution]

I am engaged to a man who imo is acting extremely irresponsible.

 

Here’s the situation. He lost his job last fall and started his own business. He wanted to take a vacation this summer - a cruise. I felt bad that he lost his job and I said what’s the cancel fee (he showed me the ship and the prices/locations. He did this in front of my son — my only child. He has 2 from his previous marriage) He was going on and on about how he wanted to go — and he wanted my child to experience this. (his kids aren’t able to go because of other reasons) He said it would be 4500 total.

 

His new business has been underway for 7 months and he is not making a profit most months. Certainly he SAYS he isn't making any personal income.

 

I said well, I can pay for it and hopefully you will be making money by then and there’s a 1400 dollar penalty if we cancel. So, if all goes wrong that won’t be THAT bad. We can cancel. He was thrilled and said Yes! He put it on HIS credit card

 

Well, that was 4 months ago. And he’s not making any money. He didn’t find a job. And he’s told his whole family that I am “surprising him with a cruise”.

 

Last night, he told me that he needed me to give him check for 10k to pay off his credit card for the cruise which is in 3 weeks. I said I don’t have 10k!!! I have already paid him 3k and I thought I was making monthly payments.

 

I told him that if he needs that much right NOW - we can’t do it and that honestly that money would be better served helping him pay his normal bills instead of a 7 day cruise.

 

He said so you want me to cancel? I said probably best at this point then! He said “I’m calling your bluff. I’m cancelling!” I said ok!

 

So he did. Then he came into the room and guilted me. Said I like to just make him feel bad about not having money.

 

He said “i told my family that you were surprising me with this and now i’m going to tell them that you took that away!”

 

I said NO! I just simply can’t afford all of this and you want 10k NOW? I don’t have that and that’s insane for you to expect. Again, he said he would only need 4500 total for the cruise when he booked it.

 

I said — you aren’t making any money? This is irresponsible. He said “how do you know I don’t have any income? Maybe I LIED TO YOU!”

 

 

I said I have been paying every meal — all food/gas and 2k a month toward a cruise because you said you have NO INCOME and now you are going to say this?

 

He said the truth is he thinks I want a “free ride” and now he’s mad he trusted me. He said he thinks that I just want him to fail and I love being in a position to control the money. MY INCOME!

 

I stopped communicating at this point and just went to bed. I couldn’t take the threats anymore. This morning, he woke up and called and got the cruise back and said he will pay his portion with his savings and that it was better than paying the cancel fee.

 

I said It is ONE WEEK of no job hunting for you! That is another reason to stay home. He said he didn’t care…he will “figure it out”.

 

He went on and on this morning about how he things I am “trying to destroy him. That there’s “something wrong with my brain and my thinking” because I don’t just trust him and hand him all of my income and let him control the finances and pay the bills.

 

He said that I react so strongly to his words (Yes, I flip out when he says that he LIED to me about having income! Of course I do!)

 

He said that he just needs me to stop being so difficult. To be nicer to him and to stop causing so many problems. In addition, he said that I should hand him all of my salary and let him just take over.

 

I told him that I don’t feel he’s making sound financial judgements with money and it worries me. He said He won’t “scam me” and that I need to trust.

 

He says that he will not allocate any of the my income to HIS HOUSE though because he wants to make sure I don’t come later and say I want any portion of HIS house equity.

 

I am breathless and anxious today. thank god my son is with his dad — I need to really think here.

 

he said that I am a problem, my brain doesn’t work right. I don’t take any responsibility for anything I do wrong and I like to control things. And that if I leave him I will regret everything that i’ve done and said.

 

HELP!

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't think irresponsible is the right word you are looking for. Manipulative sounds more in line.

 

He's clearly trying to pull strings with you, with a variety of methods including guilt. Bottom line is he is playing games, taking your money, lying to you.

 

How long were you dating before he started acting like this?

[howdoifindresolution]

We have been together for almost 3 years now.

 

He has always been a bit manipulative but I see it has gotten far worse now that he's not making the money he once was.

 

I think he's emptying all of his retirement to pay bills.

 

The other day he went shopping and bought 900 dollars worth of clothing.

 

But I'm paying meals???

[GunslingerRoland]

We have been together for almost 3 years now.

 

He has always been a bit manipulative but I see it has gotten far worse now that he's not making the money he once was.

 

I think he's emptying all of his retirement to pay bills.

 

The other day he went shopping and bought 900 dollars worth of clothing.

 

But I'm paying meals???

 

It sounds like you are doing a lot of focusing on the trees and ignoring the forest.

 

You are his retirement fund. At least you will be if you don't do the intelligent thing and move on with your life (without him).

[Zahara]

We have been together for almost 3 years now.

 

He has always been a bit manipulative but I see it has gotten far worse now that he's not making the money he once was.

 

I think he's emptying all of his retirement to pay bills.

 

The other day he went shopping and bought 900 dollars worth of clothing.

 

But I'm paying meals???

 

Read up on "gaslighting". His behavior is textbook.

 

I would seriously reconsider the engagement. This has disaster written all over it. I am not sure why you've allowed this man to treat you this way.

[aileD]

He's a gas lighting narcissist

 

Run. Run far away

[mightycpa]

I would invite you to read what you just wrote as if a stranger was asking you what she should do.

 

You won't find anybody who tells you to give him another chance.

 

It's never easy to face up to the fact that the person you care for is not the person that you think or that you want him to be. It can be a painful transition from hope to reality, but either you need to extinguish the hope up front, or he eventually will do it for you, but by then, it will be too late.

[Rockdad]

Sounds like a vacation I would want to miss personally. It's certainly not rare that Vaca's go south and ruined when people go on them. This one is a disaster before it even starts. Shut me in a cabin cubical room with no escape with someone I'm not gelling with to well. Sounds like fun to me!

 

Coming from a self employed business person of 25 years I doubt he will be successful in his own business practicing money management with what you have posted. My very first real vaca was a cruise 2 years ago. What took so long? I had business responsibilities and a family to manage.

 

My advise is to cancel the trip and take the penalty hit. It's a waste of money but not as much money as you are going to burn on this trip you can't afford.

I'd also also add get some relationship and employment issues squared away before marriage.

[alsudduth]

900 on clothes!? In one shot?! Heck No! RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE, get out before you are broke and totally controlled by him.

[reboot]

Irresponsible scumbag are the words that popped into my mind....

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree... he has no respect for your boundaries and he does not appreciate what you do for the relationship.

 

Money is probably one if the biggest issues in a relationship and if there are red flags now... they will certainly be more prevalent later.

 

You have to decide what is best for you personally.

 

My husband and I have always looked at our finances as "ours" even though he has always made the majority of the money. But we respect each other we discuss our priorities and we have a common goal.

 

When ones persons needs and want take precedence over the other.. it causes resentment. In other words selfishness breeds resentment.

 

If as a couple you decide to splurge on a cruise... and you both understand what has to be sacrificed to do that... then you both have an input. But if one of you is hesitant to spend that money... those feelings have to be respected.

 

You sound resentful that he is not a contributor financially. You sound resentful that he overspends.

 

Both of these issues can be resolved but both parties have to be willing to compromise and communicate.

 

If one partner is not willing to do this... there are even bigger issues to address.

 

A relationship is built on trust and if a partner is overspending it can destroy that trust just like cheating can.

 

So this can be a really big deal. I am really sorry you are here and I know you are worried and frustrated. I hope you can work this out.

[anduina]

Hope you don't plan to marry this man. Not only is he fiscally irresponsible, he's manipulative and his conception of love appears to lack love.

[BaileyB]

He has not earned your trust.

 

Do not, give this guy any more money. He is irresponsible, untrustworthy, and manipulative.

 

In fact, I would ask why you are with a man who would manipulate and treat you so disrespectfully.

 

You need to protect your financial best interests. Do not, give this man any more money...

[Mr. Lucky]

Do not, give this guy any more money. He is irresponsible, untrustworthy, and manipulative.

 

Exactly. howdoifindresolution, think how someone responsible and trustworthy would act in your fiance's situation.

 

He'd shelve an unprofitable business. He'd spend his days looking for a real job. And he'd spend his nights flipping burgers if necessary to pay his share of expenses.

 

And I almost forgot - he wouldn't be looking to spend $10K of YOUR money on a cruise.

 

What's next for him - a pony ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Robert]

This is one of our recurring trolls, folks. Sorry for wasting your time and not catching it earlier. ~6

 

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