Firing my best man for wedding

[Pod81]

I'm seriously considering firing my best man because he's starting to show his true colors as a crappy friend. I would like to get your guys' input about my situation. Just as a preface, I've known this guy (let's call him Q) for almost 15 years. He was pretty cool to chat and hang out with, a little dorky and socially awkward, but has a history of being very whipped over the girls he's dated.

 

I asked him to be my best man about a few months ago and told him a general idea of what I was looking for in a bachelor party. Fast forward about 6 weeks later, and he gets his car totaled (accident was not his fault and no injuries). However, he has to pay $5000 as a down payment for a brand new car. Insurance would reimburse him for that amount, but it would obviously take some time. In addition, he's planning for his own wedding, which isn't for another year.

 

Keep in mind Q has been living at home for the past 15 years and has never had to pay mortgage or rent. He's also not an extravagant guy, doesn't have a fancy car, fancy clothes, or go on fancy vacations. His job is pretty well-to-do as an engineer and makes roughly about 80k/yr. He's always had a job in the past 15 years and went only 6 months total without working. So I KNOW he's not poor and certainly not living paycheck to paycheck.

 

So he tells me that he's unable to go to the bachelor party due to his financial situation, even though it's not an extravagant affair and it's within driving distance from where he lives. I purposely made it closer to where he and the other groomsmen live to make it easier for them logistically. I, on the other hand, have moved across the country. Since my other groomsmen aren't very good planners themselves, I had a non-bridal party friend (let's call him L) take on the duties. During this time, I call Q and voiced my displeasure that he is not stepping up to the plate in going, much less planning, for my bachelor party. He then reluctantly agreed to go to the party, and had the gall to say that he would make it as cheap as possible (which is totally not fair to the others in the party). Furthermore, I know that if I had not called him about it, he would not have gone to the bachelor party at all.

 

So after reluctantly agreeing to go, L calls the others and starts delegating duties. He asks Q to look for hotels, which he declined because again - he is freaking out about this 5k car payment and the wedding that he's having next year. L is really trying to pull strings together and he wouldn't be able to pay for everything (he's still in school and living in NYC). When L tells him that he can't book everything due to financial reasons, Q's response was "I guess we're in a pickle then"! The other groomsmen are also in a much worse off financial situation than Q is, yet they're trying to make this party happen. As an example, one recently started working after a 3-4 year hiatus of unemployment. Yet, Q continues to be super cheap and refusing to pay anything or even wanting to go to the bachelor party.

 

I feel that as a best man, it is at the very minimum to at least WANT TO go to his friend's bachelor party. Q is obviously going now purely out of guilt and obligation. There's no pride or honor in trying to make this a great night for everyone, including one of his supposed best friends. He won't spend a few hundred for one of his best friends (when I'm paying a couple hundred for his tux rental) but he would gladly drop everything for his fiancee. It's amazing that it took this long to realize just how cheap and selfish he is. Even my other groomsmen and I are in mutual agreement that he's the kind of guy who would disappear after getting married. I've asked a few others about my situation and they all believe he's not acting like a real friend should. Therefore, I'm thinking about kicking him out of the bridal party. What do you guys think? Much thanks!

[Mrs. John Adams]

He might actually be quite relieved if you do replace him in the bridal party. When asked to be in a wedding.. sometimes it is really hard to say no. And it can be quite an expensive endeavor.

 

His finances ...are really none of your business and it really isn't up to you to determine what he can or should be able to afford.

 

The planning and cost of your bachelor party should be distributed among all of your groomsmen.. it really isn't fair to place all of the expense on one person.

 

So my opinion is.. discuss it with him and ask him if he would like to be relieved of his duties as a groomsman.. assure him there are no hard feelings.. and then let him make the decision whether or not he wants to participate.

 

I hope you approach him with more kindness and respect than you talked about him here.

 

Good luck

[aileD]

Did you ask him to be your best man for what you thought he could do for you? What kind of party he could throw?

 

Or did you ask him to be your best man because he's a close friend you love and respect more than the other groomsmen ?

 

IMO, don't let something like this get in between your friendship. It's just a wedding. It's one day. The marriage is more important than the event of getting married. Will he be someone that is a close friend to your marriage?

 

My sister was my maid of honor. She did nothing. My cousin did it all. She was just better at that dtudf and more motivated. My sister was my maid of honor for her friendship and sisterhood to me, not the type of party she'd throw

[Pod81]

Did you ask him to be your best man for what you thought he could do for you? What kind of party he could throw?

 

Or did you ask him to be your best man because he's a close friend you love and respect more than the other groomsmen ?

 

IMO, don't let something like this get in between your friendship. It's just a wedding. It's one day. The marriage is more important than the event of getting married. Will he be someone that is a close friend to your marriage?

 

My sister was my maid of honor. She did nothing. My cousin did it all. She was just better at that dtudf and more motivated. My sister was my maid of honor for her friendship and sisterhood to me, not the type of party she'd throw

 

I asked him to be a best man even though in reality, he's my second best friend. My best friend (who's a regular groomsman) is just not very good with planning and afraid of public speaking. I do understand it's only one day but isn't the bachelor party one of the biggest duties as the best man? If he's not a planner, that's fine. I just feel as though he's grasping at really lame excuses not to go/plan and that going would be a pure obligation. That's what bothers me.

[Pod81]

I also would like to add that I'm not putting all the costs on him. If I have to chip in or even pay more a good chunk, I really don't mind. It's not the money that bothers me. It's about the lack of desire and reciprocity of friendship. This situation is bringing out a side to his character that I've never really seen before.

[Mr. Lucky]

I asked him to be my best man about a few months ago and told him a general idea of what I was looking for in a bachelor party.

 

When my kids got married, bachelor/bachelorette parties were arranged on their own by the participants, the bride or groom didn't specify the details.

 

Your plans with hotel rooms, etc, may simply be more than your friends with totaled cars and "much worse off financial situations" can afford.

 

Might be time to rethink, simplify and scale down the whole thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I'm seriously considering firing my best man because he's starting to show his true colors as a crappy friend. I would like to get your guys' input about my situation. Just as a preface, I've known this guy (let's call him Q) for almost 15 years. He was pretty cool to chat and hang out with, a little dorky and socially awkward, but has a history of being very whipped over the girls he's dated.

 

I asked him to be my best man about a few months ago and told him a general idea of what I was looking for in a bachelor party. Fast forward about 6 weeks later, and he gets his car totaled (accident was not his fault and no injuries). However, he has to pay $5000 as a down payment for a brand new car. Insurance would reimburse him for that amount, but it would obviously take some time. In addition, he's planning for his own wedding, which isn't for another year.

 

Keep in mind Q has been living at home for the past 15 years and has never had to pay mortgage or rent. He's also not an extravagant guy, doesn't have a fancy car, fancy clothes, or go on fancy vacations. His job is pretty well-to-do as an engineer and makes roughly about 80k/yr. He's always had a job in the past 15 years and went only 6 months total without working. So I KNOW he's not poor and certainly not living paycheck to paycheck.

 

So he tells me that he's unable to go to the bachelor party due to his financial situation, even though it's not an extravagant affair and it's within driving distance from where he lives. I purposely made it closer to where he and the other groomsmen live to make it easier for them logistically. I, on the other hand, have moved across the country. Since my other groomsmen aren't very good planners themselves, I had a non-bridal party friend (let's call him L) take on the duties. During this time, I call Q and voiced my displeasure that he is not stepping up to the plate in going, much less planning, for my bachelor party. He then reluctantly agreed to go to the party, and had the gall to say that he would make it as cheap as possible (which is totally not fair to the others in the party). Furthermore, I know that if I had not called him about it, he would not have gone to the bachelor party at all.

 

So after reluctantly agreeing to go, L calls the others and starts delegating duties. He asks Q to look for hotels, which he declined because again - he is freaking out about this 5k car payment and the wedding that he's having next year. L is really trying to pull strings together and he wouldn't be able to pay for everything (he's still in school and living in NYC). When L tells him that he can't book everything due to financial reasons, Q's response was "I guess we're in a pickle then"! The other groomsmen are also in a much worse off financial situation than Q is, yet they're trying to make this party happen. As an example, one recently started working after a 3-4 year hiatus of unemployment. Yet, Q continues to be super cheap and refusing to pay anything or even wanting to go to the bachelor party.

 

I feel that as a best man, it is at the very minimum to at least WANT TO go to his friend's bachelor party. Q is obviously going now purely out of guilt and obligation. There's no pride or honor in trying to make this a great night for everyone, including one of his supposed best friends. He won't spend a few hundred for one of his best friends (when I'm paying a couple hundred for his tux rental) but he would gladly drop everything for his fiancee. It's amazing that it took this long to realize just how cheap and selfish he is. Even my other groomsmen and I are in mutual agreement that he's the kind of guy who would disappear after getting married. I've asked a few others about my situation and they all believe he's not acting like a real friend should. Therefore, I'm thinking about kicking him out of the bridal party. What do you guys think? Much thanks!

 

And, I thought women created most of the drama in a wedding party...

[basil67]

The fact that this guy isn't can't afford what you want to do doesn't make him a lesser friend.

 

I know it's your wedding, but this isn't all about you.

[d0nnivain]

You sound like a bridezilla. (Yes I understand that you are the groom). The ONLY thing the best man is obligated to is show up at church to sign the license at the witness. Everything else is optional.

 

Don't fire him. Work around him. Get over yourself. Get on with life.

[CC12]

I asked him to be my best man about a few months ago and told him a general idea of what I was looking for in a bachelor party.

 

What did you tell him you were looking for in a bachelor party? Maybe he disagrees with some of the things you want. Or maybe his fiancee doesn't want him attending if there are going to be strippers or whatever. You should ask him what the deal is. If it's really about the money, maybe you can alter your bachelor party to make it a little more affordable.

 

Also, don't count his money. His finances are not your business. If he says he can't afford it, then believe him. And it kind of sounds like you're mostly relying on him to fund the party, which doesn't seem fair. I don't know how bachelor parties are funded traditionally, but it doesn't seem fair to leave it all up to the best man to pay for it. Maybe he's digging his heels in because he knows it's going to come down to him to fund the whole thing and he doesn't want to do it.

 

He then reluctantly agreed to go to the party, and had the gall to say that he would make it as cheap as possible (which is totally not fair to the others in the party).

 

Why is it not fair to others in the party? They can't afford to make it how you want it.

 

I think it comes down to this. Your group of friends can't afford the kind of party you want to have. So you either need to fund it yourself, or change your idea of what you want for your party. In my opinion, if a friend (or friends) are throwing a party to honor and celebrate me, I take whatever they decide to give me. I don't get to dictate what I want and expect them to do it and then get salty when they can't afford it.

 

Is this how bachelor parties work, traditionally? You tell your friends what you want and they're obligated to do it? It's a wonder anyone ever agrees to be part of wedding parties. What a pain.

[Pod81]

What did you tell him you were looking for in a bachelor party? Maybe he disagrees with some of the things you want. Or maybe his fiancee doesn't want him attending if there are going to be strippers or whatever. You should ask him what the deal is. If it's really about the money, maybe you can alter your bachelor party to make it a little more affordable.

 

Also, don't count his money. His finances are not your business. If he says he can't afford it, then believe him. And it kind of sounds like you're mostly relying on him to fund the party, which doesn't seem fair. I don't know how bachelor parties are funded traditionally, but it doesn't seem fair to leave it all up to the best man to pay for it. Maybe he's digging his heels in because he knows it's going to come down to him to fund the whole thing and he doesn't want to do it.

 

 

 

Why is it not fair to others in the party? They can't afford to make it how you want it.

 

I think it comes down to this. Your group of friends can't afford the kind of party you want to have. So you either need to fund it yourself, or change your idea of what you want for your party. In my opinion, if a friend (or friends) are throwing a party to honor and celebrate me, I take whatever they decide to give me. I don't get to dictate what I want and expect them to do it and then get salty when they can't afford it.

 

Is this how bachelor parties work, traditionally? You tell your friends what you want and they're obligated to do it? It's a wonder anyone ever agrees to be part of wedding parties. What a pain.

 

Ok, after reading my initial post, yes it does make me sound like an unfair groomzilla but that's not really how it is. I threw in maybe two really nonspecific ideas for the party, but still giving the others completely free reign on what to do without any additional input from me. In fact, I'd prefer them not to tell or ask what they plan until after the fact. Secondly, only one groomsman is what I'd consider to be in a tight money situation. The others are in college degree required professional jobs. Anyway, I offered to pay for a chunk of his share of the cost if that's what it would take. I even assured him that he doesn't have to pay me back. The only real cost is the hotel, gas, and whatever activities that they choose. This is certainly not an extravagant trip to some Caribbean destination. The only thing that's expected is the destination (which is a few hour drive for everyone else except me) since I booked a non-refundable flight. I chose that destination specifically because it wouldn't incur a huge cost on everyone. My best man, who has spent over $30000 in video games, goes out to eat in NYC quite often, recently dropped $100 on dinner/karaoke with friends, and buys a brand new car won't spend one or two nights in a hotel. The planner himself has called me and vented his own frustration at my best man. Keep in mind that I have nothing to do with the hotel selection. And frankly, I don't even care if it's in a 1 star motel or we have to squeeze everyone into a room.

Edited May 26, 2017 by Pod81

[Mr. Lucky]

My best man, who has spent over $30000 in video games, goes out to eat in NYC quite often, and buys a brand new car won't spend one night in a hotel.

 

As has already been pointed out, how your best man spends his money is none of your business.

 

Secondly, only one groomsman is what I'd consider to be in a tight money situation. The others are in college degree required professional jobs.

 

Different than you posted before, you said "The other groomsmen are also in a much worse off financial situation than Q is".

 

My friend, two of the party members have indicated they don't have the financial means to pull this together. You can persist pounding a square peg into a round hole, but bringing that attitude into a marriage guarantees trouble ahead...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Pod81]

I also want to add that I'm not the only one who has noticed his selfish tendencies when it comes to certain things. We have a mutual friend (they've known each other even longer than he's known me) who recently took him and his fiancee out for his birthday dinner, but he never reciprocated back to her when it was her birthday the following month. Even if he doesn't want to spend the money, he should at very least make a personal card or offer some fun, but free or cheap activity to do. But nope, nothing at all.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I got married 45 years ago...and i understand things have changed. But let me tell you my regrets.

 

I chose a maid of honor who lived closer to me because i thought it would be EASIER for her....instead of choosing my best friend. My maid of honor...did nothing. She signed the marrige license. Other FRIENDS...not even in the wedding party gave me a shower. I have for the past 45 years regretted not choosing my best friend....and I learned a lesson. Sometimes...you just need to go with your heart

 

My husband chose his best man from his group of friends. In the past 45 years...we have had no contact with him...yet his best friend...the one he should have chosen....we do still have contact with.

 

DO these things really matter in the scheme of things? no

 

Do the showers and parties really matter? no

 

Just make sure you picked the right bride....because 45 years from now...you most likely wont even be speaking to the people who were in your wedding.

 

It's all about the pretty pictures....make sure most of them are of the two of you...and forget all those "group" pictures...because when you reach our age...we could care less about those other people. and we sure wish we had more pictures of US.

[BaileyB]

I also want to add that I'm not the only one who has noticed his selfish tendencies when it comes to certain things. We have a mutual friend (they've known each other even longer than he's known me) who recently took him and his fiancee out for his birthday dinner, but he never reciprocated back to her when it was her birthday the following month. Even if he doesn't want to spend the money, he should at very least make a personal card or offer some fun, but free or cheap activity to do. But nope, nothing at all.

 

Do you want to be right, or do you want to get married and be happy?

 

How he spends his money, is absolutely none of your business. You have all these expectations of what he "should" do, when in reality, it doesn't really matter. I really hope that this is not how you behave with your future wife, because that is definitely the path to an unhappy marriage.

 

Let it go already. There are things in this life that you control, and things that you don't. Wise people, know the difference.

[preraph]

I'm just going to throw in my one cent worth, and that is that I feel like whoever is getting married and making a big production of it is who should pay for everything except gifts. A lot of people would never spend that on their own wedding, much less someone else's.

[CC12]

My best man, who has spent over $30000 in video games, goes out to eat in NYC quite often, recently dropped $100 on dinner/karaoke with friends, and buys a brand new car won't spend one or two nights in a hotel.

 

Why do you keep talking about how he spends his money? It has zero relevance. Do you think because he spends money on himself he's obligated to spend it on you? That's how you're coming across. You sound entitled.

 

Ask your brokest friend how much he can afford to pitch in. Then ask your other groomsmen to pitch in that amount, and of course they're free to pitch in more if they'd like. You should also pitch in that amount or more. Add it all together, then give that figure to the person doing the planning and tell them that's the budget they need to work with. The planner shouldn't have to be the one trying to wrangle your friends into paying. He's doing you a huge favor. Make it as easy as possible for him.

 

If any one of your friends can't or won't pay, well, you can "fire" them or "kick them out" of your wedding party, but I think you would be a petty jerk if you did that. You should value your friends whether or not they can spend money on you.

 

I get that you're disappointed about Q's attitude about the whole thing, and that's what you need to focus on - not about how much he wants to chip in. By focusing on the financial part of this, you're coming across as a real ass. Sorry.

 

Talk to Q and ask him why he doesn't seem to want to be a part of this. And don't bring up the money thing. Give him an out - tell him that you value him as a friend and that you want him to be involved but if he's got too much on his plate and would rather just attend the wedding as a guest then you'll be okay with that and no hard feelings.

 

If Q drops out, then you can ask your closest best friend to be the best man and he doesn't need to plan the bachelor party or prepare a speech for the wedding. I assume that's why him fearing public speaking is an issue. He can do something else, if he wants. Like prepare a slideshow that can be projected during the reception, or something. Or nothing. There's no rule that says that he MUST make a speech.

[basil67]

Speaking of not making a speech, some friends of friends had an 'open mic' at their wedding last week. By all accounts, it was great fun.

[todreaminblue]

I also would like to add that I'm not putting all the costs on him. If I have to chip in or even pay more a good chunk, I really don't mind. It's not the money that bothers me. It's about the lack of desire and reciprocity of friendship. This situation is bringing out a side to his character that I've never really seen before.

 

maybe he is going through more than you are aware of....deb

[basil67]

I also want to add that I'm not the only one who has noticed his selfish tendencies when it comes to certain things. We have a mutual friend (they've known each other even longer than he's known me) who recently took him and his fiancee out for his birthday dinner, but he never reciprocated back to her when it was her birthday the following month. Even if he doesn't want to spend the money, he should at very least make a personal card or offer some fun, but free or cheap activity to do. But nope, nothing at all.

 

Unless they all agreed that they would take turns paying for each other's birthdays, he's not being selfish.

 

Giving should be done for the sake of giving. Not with expectations of having the thing returned. We know he's not a planner - and other than sappy romantics, who makes cards?? If your friends were going to get bent out of shape about him not returning the favour, they should have made it clear that the the gift had strings attached.

 

I suspect that this best man is also seeing an entirely different side to you too. Why not dial the whole thing back? Go somewhere local to everyone, get smashed and stumble home at 5am.

[aileD]

I also want to add that I'm not the only one who has noticed his selfish tendencies when it comes to certain things. We have a mutual friend (they've known each other even longer than he's known me) who recently took him and his fiancee out for his birthday dinner, but he never reciprocated back to her when it was her birthday the following month. Even if he doesn't want to spend the money, he should at very least make a personal card or offer some fun, but free or cheap activity to do. But nope, nothing at all.

 

So this is your fault then. You knew what type of person he was when it came to doing stuff for others and yet you chose him with the expectation he'd do stuff for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I also want to add that I'm not the only one who has noticed his selfish tendencies when it comes to certain things.

 

Pod81, you've already gotten some good advice here.

 

I'll just add, if a wedding is about joy and celebration with friends and family, this isn't the way to go about it.

 

I suspect that this best man is also seeing an entirely different side to you too. Why not dial the whole thing back? Go somewhere local to everyone, get smashed and stumble home at 5am.

 

Amen. This is being run like Bachelor Survivor - meet my expectations or get kicked off the island.

 

If the OP lightens up, he might actually have some fun ...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited May 27, 2017 by Mr. Lucky

[Els]

If all of your groomsmen are in such dire financial straits, why are you even insisting on them paying for an expensive bachelor's party?? Pay for it yourself, or have a low-key cheap one, gosh.

 

If you were a woman, you know what they'd call you, right? (Hint: It rhymes with Godzilla. )

[SoleMate]

A bachelor party where most of the participants are dragged kicking and screaming, or just show up sullenly under duress, is a terrible idea. Actually, you should have NOTHING to do with the planning, let alone setting demands for expenditure, and just accept whatever your friends freely offer. Maybe your friends are stingy jerks, maybe they're authentically broke, maybe they just don't like the way you're going about you "party planning" and money extraction; still, they're your friends, not your cash cows.

 

Or if you want to plan it, you should do so, but plan a party that everyone will truly enjoy, and pay for it yourself.

 

Although there are downsides to the above - as in you probably won't get the lavish party of your dreams and you may have to pay more than you want - it's better than what you're doing now, which could cast a pall over the whole wedding and even end up killing off one or more friendships.

[JuneL]

I also thought the budget as well as the idea of the bachelor party are supposed to be chosen and planned by the OP's friends. The OP is supposed to accept gratefully whatever his friends put together for him, no?

 

Actually is the bachelor party even necessary? Can't you just go out the night before the wedding to have some drinks (since your friends have to travel to your wedding anyway)?

 

 

A bachelor party where most of the participants are dragged kicking and screaming, or just show up sullenly under duress, is a terrible idea. Actually, you should have NOTHING to do with the planning, let alone setting demands for expenditure, and just accept whatever your friends freely offer. Maybe your friends are stingy jerks, maybe they're authentically broke, maybe they just don't like the way you're going about you "party planning" and money extraction; still, they're your friends, not your cash cows.

 

Or if you want to plan it, you should do so, but plan a party that everyone will truly enjoy, and pay for it yourself.

 

Although there are downsides to the above - as in you probably won't get the lavish party of your dreams and you may have to pay more than you want - it's better than what you're doing now, which could cast a pall over the whole wedding and even end up killing off one or more friendships.