Is this infidelity or is this abuse?

[Roseline]

Three years ago I cheated on my husband (when I say cheated, I am speaking of an emotional affair that became physical contact but not full on sex, kissing/ touching, etc.) I felt horrible and confessed it to my husband. He completely lost it, called me a "worthless piece of s**t" and a "c**nt." He hit me across my face. He made life my life hell.

 

I understood why he was angry and tried to be a better wife. Some days he was wonderful and other days he was awful, constantly accusing me, going through my phone, waking me from my sleep to accuse me more, etc. After some time had passed the same man that I had cheated with approached me near my job to say hello, I was filled with the same feelings of passion and desire I had before. He grabbed me and kissed me. This happened a second time shortly after. Once again, I confessed everything bc when it sank in, I was crushed with guilt. My husband exposed me to family, threw me into a wall and forced me to have aggressive sex as "punishment."

 

I believe that I was in full blown nervous breakdown at the point. I hadn't been able to eat or sleep properly for months. I became extremely thin from the anxiety. The verbal assaults continued for a year. Some days were fine, others were awful, being suddenly cursed/ yelled at or accused. He actually later admitted that when he would accuse me of more cheating he was hoping I would say yes so that I would then be willing to submit to more angry and violent sex. My esteem plummeted. I couldn't stand to be touched by him any longer, and I made the decision to leave and get my own place while deciding whether to proceed with divorce.

 

He begged on his knees for me to stay. I told him that I would stay for a while as we have a small child together, but that we were no longer a couple as in lovers. I told him that we were co-parents. It took a year for me to finally get my own apartment. During that year his behavior improved a lot, but there were still several episodes. Also, I began to read about domestic abuse dynamics and I realized that there had been a great deal of manipulation and emotional abuse from the beginning (ie. he pressured me to marry him for his green card before I was ready, refused to tell me what was in his bank account and flipped out on me when I asked, was very controlling with money and threw enormous mind boggling temper tantrums if I resisted his control).

 

Now, he isn't a monster. He also cooked and could be enormously tender and put me up on a pedestal quite often. A true Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.

 

I moved out a year ago and have been parenting our child alone as he works evenings and isn't able to help most of the time. It's been very hard bc he's not paying child support and I work full time. He did not and does not want the separation. In many ways I'd like to be back with him as well, I miss the companionship and am terribly lonely. But I have zero sexual desire for him, but I miss the affection, I miss being simply held by him. I haven't been able to completely let go. I told him that I was fine with him seeing other women, that I didn't believe it counted as cheating since we haven't really been a couple for years.

 

He said he still loved me and couldn't be with anyone else. So I decided to give it one last ditch effort in couples therapy. In the therapy session he completely lied about things that happened. Shortly after that I told him that it was over, that there was no relationship to salvage if he would lie in the counselling session. I didn't file for divorce immediately, but I did have a conversation with the same man from before. He had reached out to me a few times during the separation.

 

This was a person who still managed to inspire strong feelings in me. Knowing that I had told my husband that it was over for certain and we had been separated for almost a year, I allowed my former "lover" to come over. I wasn't ready for sex, but we kissed and held each other. A few weeks later, my still legal husband showed up at my door and apologized for lying in therapy and said he still loves me and wants to make it work. He's been in contact a lot lately, and despite all my friends insistence that I limit contact to matters involving our child, I find it so difficult to truly cut him out.

 

My mind wanders to the past, when it was good. And lately I've been feeling that I didn't try hard enough to make it work and am thinking of telling him we can give it another go. But now, I'm feeling like I "cheated" again. It would destroy him if I told him. I confessed in the past and don't want to put either of us through that again. But I don't know if I can try to reconcile and keep the kissing incident a secret. Thoughts?

Edited May 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Mrs. John Adams]

If you just want to be "friends" with your estranged husband then dont live together and dont tell him your private business. File for divorce and be done with it.

 

If you want to fully be his wife...and are 100% committed to being the best wife you can be...then you have to be completely transparent with him and he with you. You have to cut all contact to this man that you have been cheating with...and you have to set strict boundaires.

 

But I am going to be very honest with you....in your story....you do not sound like a woman in love with her husband who is sorry for her actions. You sound like a fearful and resentful lonely woman....who is allowing her husband to manipulate her emotions.

 

Marriage is difficult....but nearly impossible when infidelity has occured....and yes you have cheated...several times....emotionally and physically. It does not have to include intercourse. You have cheated because you gave what belonged to your husband to another man...

 

I am not throwing stones at you....

 

I dont think you are ready to recommit to your husband...and even if you decide to do so....I think there is too much damage to your trust and to his trust to rebuild.

 

I think you are afraid of him...and rightfully so....and i think it could be very dangerous for you to ever live with him again.

 

Get yourself into therapy....talk to someone...your parents..a dear friend....about your husbands behavior and please protect yourself from him.

He sounds like a dangerous man.

[Roseline]

Mrs. John Adams, thank you for your non-judgmental response. Your words make a lot of sense. To be clear, we don't live together and haven't for the past year. He has been highly emotionally manipulative throughout the separation and I was enormously relieved after having just said that it was over for certain. His apology sort of sucked me into second guessing it though. Yes, I fully understand that what I did three years ago was cheating; it doesn't have to be vaginal intercourse to constitute cheating, and I was extremely remorseful at the time. This past incident though (the first time I've been held or touched by a man in years), I'm not sure if I should consider that cheating or not since I had in do indirect terms told him that it is over and he is free to see any woman he wants. It's only because he apologized and admitted to me that he had been abusive that I began to second guess the divorce I had decided upon and requested from him. Sorry for babbling.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mrs. John Adams, thank you for your non-judgmental response. Your words make a lot of sense. To be clear, we don't live together and haven't for the past year. He has been highly emotionally manipulative throughout the separation and I was enormously relieved after having just said that it was over for certain. His apology sort of sucked me into second guessing it though. Yes, I fully understand that what I did three years ago was cheating; it doesn't have to be vaginal intercourse to constitute cheating, and I was extremely remorseful at the time. This past incident though (the first time I've been held or touched by a man in years), I'm not sure if I should consider that cheating or not since I had in do indirect terms told him that it is over and he is free to see any woman he wants. It's only because he apologized and admitted to me that he had been abusive that I began to second guess the divorce I had decided upon and requested from him. Sorry for babbling.

 

If you had an agreement with your husband that you could see other people...then it is not cheating at that time. If you did not both agree...it was.

 

Regardless.....he has been abusive....and it gets worse over time.

 

My biggest worry is that if he finds out you have "moved on" and seen this man again...he might hurt you...really hurt you

 

I will also tell you that you were not remorseful or you would not have seen him again....but that unimportant for this discussion.

 

Please proceed with divorce. You clearly dont love your husband anymore...you have lived seperately for a long time. Close the book.

 

Best of luck to you...and please stay safe.

[Roseline]

Mrs. John Adams, thank you. That makes sense.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I am going to be very honest with you....in your story....you do not sound like a woman in love with her husband who is sorry for her actions.

 

Either of the issues involved - your infidelity and his abuse - is more than enough to torpedo even the strongest relationship, which, as Mrs. JA points out, you don't have. Honestly, marriage shouldn't be this hard and it's probably time to see what else life has in store for you. Hope you find what you're looking for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Roseline]

My only hold up over filing right now is that he did seem very sincere in his apology for lying in therapy. To me, the lying in therapy had been the final straw. I realized that he had been gaslighting (underwriting a person's reality by convincing them that things they know to be true are not) from the beginning. Going into counselling with him I was very clear with both him and the therapist that my main objective was to gain clarity and validation that things I experienced are real, and not just in my head, and only then could we decide if our objective in therapy would be to repair the marriage or to end it with proper closure. Him lying there was a major thing for me. I looked, sounded, and felt crazy when I tried to speak the truth. The next day I told him that I couldn't get past him lying again, and that it is over between us. Only after that did I allow myself to be alone with a man, not before. What's messing me up now is that weeks later he came to me (this just when I was about the file papers for divorce) and he told me that he realizes that he had lied in therapy. He realizes he had been abusive to me, and he is addressing his own issues in therapy. For the first time in years I felt like I could love him again. I considered that we have a child and limited assets, and perhaps I shouldn't walk away before really trying and seeing if things get better. I've been missing him very much lately and considering telling him I'd be willing to really try and go to MC together in which we both agree to be totally honest. And of course completely cut all ties with the other man (who isn't in my life anyway, that incident was one time). But the general consensus here is I would have to tell him everything. Because it was the same person from before, I think he really take it hard. My perspective is it happened when we were if not divorced, broken up. No agreement needed to be made that we could see others, this was implicit it my words, "It's over." And now I'm only reconsidering bc he has finally given me what I've asked for all along: validation of my feelings that it in fact it was abuse. This to me is huge and indicates real potential for change, and I'm pretty sure I do want try to make it work, if for no other reason I won't have to look back with regret if we still decide to divorce after really trying. But if we do try, would it be ethical or in some ways unethical to tell him about that incident with the man?