Talltxn Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 I am really looking at leaving my wife, but she thinks everything is good. We have been together right out of High Scool and have 4 kids , about 2 years ago i told her i did not want to be married anymore and i recieved counseling ...who told me not to tell about the affair i had. Then she got pregnant and we had number 4 and things were good for a little while but i have had more affairs and am currently in one who sees me for me, with all my bad. I want to leave so i can stop cheating but my wife is so good to me , i am scared to do it, i have lost that feeling completley with her and when we kiss or make love there is nothing, i want more and i know it is selfish and i know i am horrible Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Yup . You are. A wife will never be as exciting as an affair partner, that's just how it goes. It takes a good man to see through that and down to what real love and commitment is. Clearly that's not you. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Okay. Well you are going to have to find the strength to go to your wife, tell her you are in love with another woman, move out and file for divorce. You had plenty of courage when it came to cheating on her so I know somehow you can muster up the strength to do this. It's going to hurt her but it is a blessing because then she will be free to find the man who can really love her the way you can't. When this is all over you both will be happier. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 The best thing would be to leave all your assets , savings , house to her and the kids. Pay alimony and child support for the rest of their lives. . 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Would you still want to leave if there was nobody else, and you'd be single? If so, then make your move. If not, then it doesn't sound like the smartest move you could make. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 about 2 years ago i told her i did not want to be married anymore and i recieved counseling ...who told me not to tell about the affair i had. Then she got pregnant and we had number 4 and things were good for a little while Nice of you to leave her with another small child to care for (#4!!!) on your way out the door. i know it is selfish and i know i am horrible Add irresponsible to the list. Besides the allure of other women, what are the issues in your marriage that would make you leave this "good wife" and four children behind? Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Talltxn Posted May 26, 2017 Author Share Posted May 26, 2017 TE=mightycpa;7322617]Would you still want to leave if there wayes nobody else, and you'd be single? If so, then make your move. If not, then it doesn't sound like the smartest move you could make. Yes i would i dunno if another relationship is what i want, i just dont want to feel torn anymore, i love my childen and i do care for and i think love my wife, i just know this cant continue and i will take care of her , i always have Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 I am really looking at leaving my wife, but she thinks everything is good. We have been together right out of High Scool and have 4 kids , about 2 years ago i told her i did not want to be married anymore and i recieved counseling ...who told me not to tell about the affair i had. Then she got pregnant and we had number 4 and things were good for a little while but i have had more affairs and am currently in one who sees me for me, with all my bad. I want to leave so i can stop cheating but my wife is so good to me , i am scared to do it, i have lost that feeling completley with her and when we kiss or make love there is nothing, i want more and i know it is selfish and i know i am horrible Your affair partner is okay with your "bad" because she's doing it with you. It sounds like your good wife deserves someone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 How are you going to explain it to your kids? You had four kids with her and turned her into a mother and mothers aren't attractive anymore are they? Did she get overweight? What are the real problems about why you "lost that feeling"? This is what family life is. It's not all hot sex with women who have nothing better to do than give their full attention and body to you. Those kids didn't ask to be brought into this world . Is this what you wanted for them? Have some kids and then destroy their family? Do you know what divorce does to kids? Does your wife deserve this? Tell us. Other then your selfishness, what are the problems? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Talltxn Posted May 26, 2017 Author Share Posted May 26, 2017 I am really looking at leaving my wife, but she thinks everything is good. We have been together right out of High Scool and have 4 kids , about 2 years ago i told her i did not want to be married anymore and i recieved counseling ...who told me not to tell about the affair i had. Then she got pregnant and we had number 4 and things were good for a little while but i have had more affairs and am currently in one who sees me for me, with all my bad. I want to leave so i can stop cheating but my wife is so good to me , i am scared to do it, i have lost that feeling completley with her and when we kiss or make love there is nothing, i want more and i know it is selfish and i know i am horrible She probably does deserve someone else and i have told her this in the past, i have had problems with sex throughout our marriage and she has always wanted to stay even when i said she would be better off without me. I feel like at this point there is no better option. I could tell the OW i am done but the stuff i have done will be there and i dont see how i could go on ...my wife love me dearly and i dont deserve her attention and love Link to post Share on other sites
Author Talltxn Posted May 26, 2017 Author Share Posted May 26, 2017 How are you going to explain it to your kids? You had four kids with her and turned her into a mother and mothers aren't attractive anymore are they? Did she get overweight? What are the real problems about why you "lost that feeling"? This is what family life is. It's not all hot sex with women who have nothing better to do than give their full attention and body to you. Those kids didn't ask to be brought into this world . Is this what you wanted for them? Have some kids and then destroy their family? Do you know what divorce does to kids? Does your wife deserve this? Tell us. Other then your selfishness, what are the problems? I dont know how to explain it ...but i dont know where to go from here.. my wife is beautiful , caring and loving and a great mother. I know it is me who is awful , i just cant ho on living a double life Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 (edited) I think you'll likely never find anyone as good as your wife. You'll find sex until you reach a certain age, which can't be that far in the future, but finding someone you're compatible with and can live with is just rare. So I guess if variety sex is more fulfilling to you than wife and kids, you should go. But there's no pot of gold at the end of your rainbow. You already have that and something in you won't allow you to be happy. You know, your wife is going to date and sleep with other guys. Are you still going to feel magnanimous about taking care of her once she's in another guy's bed and you know your safe place to fall is no longer there for you? Edited May 26, 2017 by preraph 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 (edited) I dont know how to explain it ...but i dont know where to go from here.. my wife is beautiful , caring and loving and a great mother. I know it is me who is awful , i just cant ho on living a double life I think you're going to leave and then reality will hit you and you'll realize it's the biggest mistake you e ever made. You'll have lost your wife, your family, and since your wife is such an amazing woman, she will surely find another man---who will be raising your kids because you'll only see them every other eeekend and holiday. But sometimes you just gotta figure that out on your own. Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it all. I have had problems with sex throughout our marriage and she has always wanted to stay even when i said she would be better off without me . This is what "for better or worse" means. At least one of you took your vows seriously Edited May 26, 2017 by aileD 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Talltxn Posted May 26, 2017 Author Share Posted May 26, 2017 I am really looking at leaving my wife, but she thinks everything is good. We have been together right out of High Scool and have 4 kids , about 2 years ago i told her i did not want to be married anymore and i recieved counseling ...who told me not to tell about the affair i had. Then she got pregnant and we had number 4 and things were good for a little while but i have had more affairs and am currently in one who sees me for me, with all my bad. I want to leave so i can stop cheating but my wife is so good to me , i am scared to do it, i have lost that feeling completley with her and when we kiss or make love there is nothing, i want more and i know it is selfish and i know i am horrible In all reality I am not exactly sure what I am gonna do. When I am at home I can hardly imagine leaving and not seeing my kids everyday, but the space between us is there in my head and it is hard to move past.. I think the OW has sort of pushed me closer because she wants me to be with her...i dont know that i am in love with her but i care deeply for her and she is giving me a ultimatum... Can i be reconciled after this and just keep the seacret...I dont want to either one of us to find out after the kids leave we have nothing...I do know what is right I just am no good at it... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 I dont know how to explain it ... Don't know how? Or don't want to, because the truth is pretty tough to face? Sounds like you have some issues that have made you a less than five-star husband. And now you want to use your wife's natural and normal reaction to those issues - and the resulting acting out - as an escape clause. Honestly, were she posting here, most would be telling her to dump you and find a more suitable partner I'm not sure how you could have a more self-destructive approach to marriage and family. Since this is all on you, what makes you think you wouldn't similarly undermine a relationship with your OW or any other partner going forward? At some point, you'll have to stop, open the hood and fix the broken processes that have led you to the poor choices. Rather than figuring out how to leave a good wife, that's the real task in front of you... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Why not at least try going to therapy for a while and find out why goods ex is more important to you than everything else good put together. I think it's going to come down to you need validation because you are insecure on some level, but it could be something else to do with intimacy or you and your wife having become so close you feel she's more like a mother or sibling. But find out in case it's something you can fix. You have a problem being unhappy when most people would love to have your marriage and kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Fact is you are not happy and should leave. That's what everyone here would say if the OP was a woman. I would not rely too much on the women you are having affairs with as if they will sleep with a married man, their character leaves something to be desired. As good as your wife may be, she is not good for you. You will never be happy with her no matter what counseling you seek. If she were a good match you would never have cheated. Just make sure you understand the ramifications of divorce and kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Fact is you are not happy and should leave. That's what everyone here would say if the OP was a woman. I would not rely too much on the women you are having affairs with as if they will sleep with a married man, their character leaves something to be desired. As good as your wife may be, she is not good for you. You will never be happy with her no matter what counseling you seek. If she were a good match you would never have cheated. Just make sure you understand the ramifications of divorce and kids. Plenty of guys cheat who have wives they consider a good match. Just saying. There is no magic perfect woman who can keep a cheater from cheating. That's something in his character, not the magic chemistry they create together. That's not her fault. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Are you religious? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 (edited) Based on the things you have shared in your post, I would imagine that you are not going to find happiness, regardless of what you chose to do. The lack of personal direction and unhappiness that you are feeling is palpable in your writing, and in your indecision. Happiness is found within, not in another person - whether that be your wife or the other woman. Something is missing within you that lead you to turn away from your wife and your family. If you chose to leave, you will still be searching for whatever is missing, whether you are single or with another woman. I suggest that you go back to counselling because you clearly have more work to do. Edited May 26, 2017 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted May 27, 2017 Share Posted May 27, 2017 You're not happy in your marriage. Maybe your marriage isn't the right place for you. I'm not going to try and guilt-trip you into staying married when your heart isn't there; watching parents suffer through it is not a happy place for the kids involved. For your own sake, though, think about what you DO really want out of life, and why. Not just what you don't want. And obviously, if you leave your wife, leave her well provided-for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 27, 2017 Share Posted May 27, 2017 I am really looking at leaving my wife, but she thinks everything is good. We have been together right out of High Scool and have 4 kids , about 2 years ago i told her i did not want to be married anymore and i recieved counseling ...who told me not to tell about the affair i had. Then she got pregnant and we had number 4 and things were good for a little while but i have had more affairs and am currently in one who sees me for me, with all my bad. I want to leave so i can stop cheating but my wife is so good to me , i am scared to do it, i have lost that feeling completley with her and when we kiss or make love there is nothing, i want more and i know it is selfish and i know i am horrible Of course your counselor told you not to tell, she has your best interest at heart not yours as a husband, father and family man. A marriage counselor would encourage you to confess and work with you and your wife to work things out. SO, which came first, the affair and then you wanting to leave? I assume that you got sick of being a father and having tons of responsibility thrown your way at a young age and wanted to try other things (aka another woman). I say divorce, pay your wife alimony and child support. Then you can go be with whomever you want. It's obvious you don't love your wife enough to want to make it work. You lost that feeling because instead of communicating and making your marriage better you chose to look elsewhere and detach from your wife, investing in another woman. That's on you. You could have opened up and made your marriage more exciting, hiring a babysitter and taken your wife out on a date, woo'd her like you used to do before kids... But instead you let yourself fall out of love with her and look outside of your marriage for fun and thrill. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 27, 2017 Share Posted May 27, 2017 I dont know how to explain it ...but i dont know where to go from here.. my wife is beautiful , caring and loving and a great mother. I know it is me who is awful , i just cant ho on living a double life Then confess your affair(s) to your wife and allow her the decision to either divorce you or give you a chance to work it out. One minute you say you're not sure if you love your wife and then you say you do love her. It is possible for you to end your affair(s) and separate from your wife, then be ON YOUR OWN. That means alone with no women in your life so you can figure out what it is you want. Just a suggestion to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Talltxn Posted May 30, 2017 Author Share Posted May 30, 2017 It all came out this weekend, and my wife has forgiven me and wants to make it all work. I told my OW we had to be done...she said she will fight to have me and it is definately hard. As stupid as i am i know my wife and children are worth fighting for, but i do wonder if restoration is really possible Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 (edited) It all came out this weekend, and my wife has forgiven me and wants to make it all work. I told my OW we had to be done...she said she will fight to have me and it is definately hard. As stupid as i am i know my wife and children are worth fighting for, but i do wonder if restoration is really possible I know in theory is feels good that your OW will "fight to have" you,but please look at the reality about what that says about her character. Here is a woman who did not respect your marriage, and now when you tell her you're going to work on your marriage she is not respecting YOU and what's best for you. Even if you told her you were just there for the kids---she's not respecting your kids--a part of you. She is completely selfish and self serving. She wants what she wants for herself. Major character flaw Now look at your wife's character. You hurt her in the deepest way possible a husband can hurt a wife. You destroyed her soul. Her memories, your history, and everything she thought she knew about love. The woman you created life with, and you took her heart and ripped it out of her chest and walked all over it over and over. And this woman forgave you and is willing to stay with you and work towards a better marriage. Men can be really stupid sometimes Edited May 30, 2017 by aileD 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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