still in love but broken up

[Hurtingguy]

She said she wants to try and see if something is still there

 

My ex ex ex gf who I wasn't very serious with -- If you weren't very serious, there wasn't anything there . . .

 

Reaching out to you 6 years after a not very serious relationship, kinda says to me that things have been really, really dry for her for a while.

 

If you're not over your more current ex, you shouldn't really be dating anyway for a while let alone meet up with a desperate woman . . .

 

That's kinda what I figured..I told her I can be friends but nk Hung. Ire cause I'm still not over Someone ekse

[Bromeo]

I used to think when they came back, it must mean it was love, or some other confused romantic notion.

 

What it really means is that she either didn't date, experienced a deluge of losers, or decided you were the top of the income potential or genetic mountain. Don't let her devil wordly ways catch you. lol

 

Not very romantic, I know. I'm a realist nowadays. She realized how much she loved you after all that time?

 

Rubbish.

 

I've had several exs look me up, and they all neatly fell into the aforementioned categories.

 

How did I know that? I asked them.

 

Live in fear. Lol

[usa1ah]

Sounds like she is love bombing you.

 

Talk with her all you want limit contact to once a week.

 

Believe it or not she will help you get over this if you let her.

 

First off, is she someone you can fall in love with?

 

If yes, take it slowly.

 

If no, be honest with her.

[preraph]

Tell the old ex "now is not a good time."

[Been]

Six years latter and she comeback? Hell you've warned her your not over your ex so continue to see her. You've already been more then honest with her. Go out with her. Have fun. Beats staying in your place hoping your ex calls.

[basil67]

This ex of yours is so determined to meet her own ends that she's not listening to a thing you say. This reflects very poorly on her.

 

Think twice about seeing her again.

[Whodatdog]

You're ex ex ex is having a dry spell, and heard you were available. She's obviously more into you than you are her. Staying friends with her will only lead her on, and she's desperately trying to hook you. "You are so handsome, you are so nice"...blah blah. She wants a man.

 

Dont stay friends with her. She doesnt want to be friends with you. She wants much more from you. You will end up breaking things off with her, and you know how well those things go.

 

She's not listening to you. She has an agenda. I would definitely back off on the contact, stop answering her texts. Maybe answer one every couple of days. People like her dont take no for an answer.

[Hurtingguy]

Thanks for all the Advice everyone I told her again this morning isn't that nothing will happen with us on a romantic level at least not anytime soon.

I told her if she's not ok with just being friends then it's better we don't talk...she said she understands and would like to st least stay friends and she would be there for me if I need her support

[Hurtingguy]

Ok everyone most of you know my story I listened to the advice I got for a bit then caved so need some insight here....

 

I ended NC about a week ago didn't last long as we both feel better staying in touch... so here's where I need help.

 

It started as texting throughout the day briefly which was fine with me it doesn't hurt me to talk to her (dumper) it actually makes me feel better. So the texting turned into phone calls and now the phone calls have changed to FaceTime every morning for about an hour and every night for about 2 hours till we are ready for bed.

 

We don't talk about the relationship but more just friendly talks no fighting or arguing.we don't talk about getting back together. We both know we shouldn't be talking so much but we can't help it.its not making me feel like I'm not healing I actually feels like it's helping.we have planned to hang out on Thursday all day.

 

Now where I need advice..I know st this time she doesn't wanna get back together even tho she acts like she does.i guess the advice I'm looking for is shiukd I try and slowly work my way back in her life? Is she starting to think differently about her decision..she told me it makes her sad that we talk all the time and that she misses me and still loves me..am I just being her tampon here or is she using me to fill the void that's missing in her life cause she's lonely(her words)I'm prolly overthinking this and I know eryone is gonna tell me I'm dumb and to go back to nc but I kinda feel like she might come around if I keep trying.

 

I dunno what to do and everyone here offers great words of wisdom

[Goodguy05]

More info what happened how did the break up occur?

[Hurtingguy]

More info what happened how did the break up occur?

 

I'm not sure how to post my old thread on my new thread

[SevenCity]

Disclaimer I don't know your story...

 

Getting friendzoned has never helped a guy get a girl back. What she is dong is slowly withdrawing you from her life under the guise of friendship. Eventually she'll no longer need you when she finds another guy - the friendship will go poof.

 

I don't think you are stupid any more than a drug addict having a relapse (both are bad ideas though). You can't help yourself and you'll take what you can get from her.

 

The problem is she's not thinking you'll get back together. She is selfishly using you to ween herself off. But you are allowing it to happen. She knows you want back but you are acting like friendship is sufficient.

 

What's worse, this "friendship" alleviates her guilt and she is starting to think "great! He's ok with being friends and I didn't hurt him. Everyone wins!"

 

Not a guarantee, but if you ever hope to have a chance with her you have to disappear like a ninja. But I can guarantee you will not get her back by being her friend.

[Hurtingguy]

Disclaimer I don't know your story...

 

Getting friendzoned has never helped a guy get a girl back. What she is dong is slowly withdrawing you from her life under the guise of friendship. Eventually she'll no longer need you when she finds another guy - the friendship will go poof.

 

I don't think you are stupid any more than a drug addict having a relapse (both are bad ideas though). You can't help yourself and you'll take what you can get from her.

 

The problem is she's not thinking you'll get back together. She is selfishly using you to ween herself off. But you are allowing it to happen. She knows you want back but you are acting like friendship is sufficient.

 

What's worse, this "friendship" alleviates her guilt and she is starting to think "great! He's ok with being friends and I didn't hurt him. Everyone wins!"

 

Not a guarantee, but if you ever hope to have a chance with her you have to disappear like a ninja. But I can guarantee you will not get her back by being her friend.

 

That's the thing I'm not trying to be her friend she know that I told her I can't just be friends with her yesterday. I know she's upset I see it in her and she tells me she is...I told her when I come there Thursday it's gonna be to enjoy each other have fun she said she would make dinner for us and watch a movie and I replied that I wanted to touch her again and kiss her again she feels the same way but she said it makes her very sad thinking about it cause she misses it so much. And that having sex with me was her favourite thing to do because it made her feel so lose to me

[Hurtingguy]

Ok so I decided to break nc with my ex and here's what happened.

 

Here's the scoop first.

 

She broke up with me about 7 weeks ago or so. We broke up due to my jealousy issues and not trusting her when she was out with friends.i would say mean things to her and fight with her when she was out. When we broke up at first I just bothered her cause I didn't get a straight answer she left for a week until I decided to pack up and head to my dads.

 

We have spent time together since the breakup and we get along good now. We talked everyday for the first few weeks and then I cut her off.until about a week ago she kept calling so we spoke and have been everyday since and every night on facetim.

 

So last Thursday comes around and i came to see her at home. We had dinner watched a movie then had sex. She started to cry during the sex so we stopped cause she said it was to upsetting, so we went to sleep.

 

Morning comes around and she climbs on me and we made love and then went to the beach for the day had drinks came back home and made love all night.

 

So now Saturday comes around and I knew she had plans to go out for a couple days to her gf farm. She told me I could stay at our house so I did and I'm still here. We had plans for today and now she cancelled on me saying she a top upset because I'm acting perfect now and it hurts her to see me being so perfect and loving.

 

So she's staying to hang out with her parents for a bit and said we can possibly have dinner before I head back to my dads for the week.

 

Is she starting to regret her decision? She still seems firm on her breaking up with me any advice would help?

[elaine567]

As she dumped you, the ball is firmly in her court and if she is adamant that the break up still stands, then you have to accept that and believe her.

Sorry!

 

This is why most advocate NC, as the dumper can wreak havoc in the dumpee's life with their push and pull/hot and cold behaviour, breadcrumbs, being "confused", etc. etc.

The poor dumpee has their hopes raised then dashed over and over, until the dumper decides they have had enough or they find a new bf/gf...

[SayAnything]

I'm going through something similar and I understand. It's like, you know they have feelings for you and you know they know things are mostly wonderful, so why aren't they in a relationship with you?

 

Well, some part of her obviously still isn't ready and you have to respect that part - not the part that had sex with you and hung out with you. Because the part that still doesn't want this relationship will be the part that holds her back and makes you feel like crap as she goes back and forth.

 

Like everyone says, NC is really the answer. I haven't made it back there yet myself, only because my ex hasn't admitted he doesn't want this yet - but I"m getting there. NC is good because it gives your ex the chance to see what it's *really* like out there in that big world without you. She hasn't seen it yet, has she? You guys have been talking the better part of your breakup, so let her miss you.

 

What are you afraid of, that she won't miss you? Well, I can tell you that my ex and I were apart nearly a year, and even though he got back with his ex he missed me constantly and (so he tells me) thought of me every single day, couldn't stop it if he tried. So if that's what you are hoping for, know that it can happen. I just can't guarantee you it means she will come back - but you have to be willing to take that chance.

 

And if someone doesn't miss you, it doesn't mean you aren't missable. It means they weren't capable of giving you what you needed when you needed it. Nobody's fault and it doesn't mean they didn't love you, it just happens. Hope that helps.

 

Good luck!

[Hurtingguy]

I'm going through something similar and I understand. It's like, you know they have feelings for you and you know they know things are mostly wonderful, so why aren't they in a relationship with you?

 

Well, some part of her obviously still isn't ready and you have to respect that part - not the part that had sex with you and hung out with you. Because the part that still doesn't want this relationship will be the part that holds her back and makes you feel like crap as she goes back and forth.

 

Like everyone says, NC is really the answer. I haven't made it back there yet myself, only because my ex hasn't admitted he doesn't want this yet - but I"m getting there. NC is good because it gives your ex the chance to see what it's *really* like out there in that big world without you. She hasn't seen it yet, has she? You guys have been talking the better part of your breakup, so let her miss you.

 

What are you afraid of, that she won't miss you? Well, I can tell you that my ex and I were apart nearly a year, and even though he got back with his ex he missed me constantly and (so he tells me) thought of me every single day, couldn't stop it if he tried. So if that's what you are hoping for, know that it can happen. I just can't guarantee you it means she will come back - but you have to be willing to take that chance.

 

And if someone doesn't miss you, it doesn't mean you aren't missable. It means they weren't capable of giving you what you needed when you needed it. Nobody's fault and it doesn't mean they didn't love you, it just happens. Hope that helps.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks for the reply...I just don't understand why she's so hot and cold one day she loves me and wants to spend time with me then the next day she doesn't?

Why would she sleep with me and tell me she loves me still? I'm not really hurt over it more disappointed in her and myself for putting myself back in this situation I just thought she was starting to open back up to me

[SayAnything]

I don't know man, why did my ex do that same stuff, and hasn't spoken to me since Saturday? We went out and same situation as you. Amazing. Told me he still loves me, thinks about me nonstop, can finally be himself with me - then total radio silence...

 

Because it's about them, not us. Maybe we *are* acting perfect, maybe it's them who are broken. In my case I know it's him - he's a mess, physically and emotionally right now. I think your ex does love you still, but it's more complicated than that. If it was just about love, and if it was that simple, none of us would be on here needing advice on LS!

 

So people can still love us but be totally confused by their OWN issues. She probably was opening back up to you, but her own issues popped back up and prevented it from going anywhere. That's the key: Until she solves her own problems - and you cannot solve them for her - she won't be an available partner for you, or for anyone. I should probably follow my own advice here, but I don't think there's anything you can do except a.) decide to be patient and do your own thing for a while, and hope she comes around, or b.) shut it down and decide to move on.

 

I know, neither choice is easy. I'm kinda in the same boat so I understand. :/

[staggerlee71]

For the record Hurtin Guy and say anything,

 

I just went through this last couple of years. On/off, I love you but cant commit, I don't know how to have a relationship, it was exhausting. I finally got to the point of no more. Been on a couple of dates so getting back out there.

 

just thought I would commiserate

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for the reply...I just don't understand why she's so hot and cold one day she loves me and wants to spend time with me then the next day she doesn't?

Why would she sleep with me and tell me she loves me still? I'm not really hurt over it more disappointed in her and myself for putting myself back in this situation I just thought she was starting to open back up to me

 

Perhaps she's met someone else and doesn't know how to tell you, and wants to see how that will play out before completely cutting it off with you.

 

I'm a woman myself and have seen this happen many times. Ex meets someone new, isn't sure if it will develop into anything, so keeps seeing ex-boyfriend in the meantime but being inconsistent enough to keep expectations low.

[SevenCity]

Ok so I decided to break nc with my ex and here's what happened.

 

Here's the scoop first.

 

She broke up with me about 7 weeks ago or so. We broke up due to my jealousy issues and not trusting her when she was out with friends.i would say mean things to her and fight with her when she was out. When we broke up at first I just bothered her cause I didn't get a straight answer she left for a week until I decided to pack up and head to my dads.

 

We have spent time together since the breakup and we get along good now. We talked everyday for the first few weeks and then I cut her off.until about a week ago she kept calling so we spoke and have been everyday since and every night on facetim.

 

So last Thursday comes around and i came to see her at home. We had dinner watched a movie then had sex. She started to cry during the sex so we stopped cause she said it was to upsetting, so we went to sleep.

 

Morning comes around and she climbs on me and we made love and then went to the beach for the day had drinks came back home and made love all night.

 

So now Saturday comes around and I knew she had plans to go out for a couple days to her gf farm. She told me I could stay at our house so I did and I'm still here. We had plans for today and now she cancelled on me saying she a top upset because I'm acting perfect now and it hurts her to see me being so perfect and loving.

 

So she's staying to hang out with her parents for a bit and said we can possibly have dinner before I head back to my dads for the week.

 

Is she starting to regret her decision? She still seems firm on her breaking up with me any advice would help?

 

Just to give you some perspective, I went through this with my ex for 3 months after we broke up in June of last year.

 

She said the same things, we had a lot of sex, made future plans, talked about having a kid, etc. Here I am a year later and she is still gone.

 

I think part of the dumper wants to get back, but a larger part is stopping them. It's like you are associated with both pleasure and pain and the pa M is too much to get over.

 

In many ways that 3 months of limbo was worse than when she finally left.

 

I think part of her leaving was due to me trying to force the relationship rather than waiting for it to be her idea. In my defense, I was in hell for those 3 months and needed a decision. I got it.

[Hurtingguy]

So I've posted here a few times and got some great advice that I listened to but ended up breaking my nc cause I missed her.

 

So been talking with the ex the last 2 weeks or so.on and off.

About 2 weeks ago she asked if I could come help with some stuff around the house and cause I love her I did. She then asked me to have dinner and spend the night so I did.

We had a good day and better night we where intimate we both said how much we still love and miss each other and it was nice I went home in the morning and left it at that.

 

A couple days later she asked me to help get the house ready for the security system so I did I told her to go out while I was there so she did.

 

Later that night I msg her saying I was going home and she told me she had a few drinks and was gonna sleep there even tho she wanted to be home and cuddle so I took a bus there and got her and the car and drove us back. We both went right to bed.

 

I'm the morning I left she told me she still loves me and misses me and wanted me to know there is no other guy in her life and she hasn't been with anybody and doesn't want to date.

 

So last night I found out from my buddy that she's now on tinder so I saw her profile and immediately broke down blowing up her phone she ignored me all night (it was her dads bday she was at her parents) I drive to her parents house and told her I was coming there to talk. She freaked out and told me she's not coming out she doesn't wanna see me or talk to me about this.

 

So this morning I drove to our old place where she still loves and walked in and sat down for a talk. She told me she wanted me to leave and didn't wanna talk to me. And said she's not sure if she's ready to date but she needs to try and move on from me that she's too attached to me and wants to depart herself from me and she hasn't been in any dates but had talked to a few guys online and didn't tell me cause she didn't want to hurt me.

 

Why is she telling me she loves me and misses me and Gavin me over again to sleep with me and help her if she wants to daTe other ppl.

I can't get over her she always in my mind I can't move on I try but it's soo hard all I do is think about her I sent her a text after I left this morning telling her I hope I hear from her again and she said to give her time and space I o ow she's gone for good but will she ever speak to me again? Is she gonna fall in love right away? Is she out of my life forever even tho she told me I wouldn't be I'm just so broken right now and need someone to talk to

[springy]

Guy....I know you are hurting so badly right now but you've got to pull yourself together. All your actions say I will accept whatever crumbs you throw my way as long as I can have just a little bit of your time. I'm always available to you. You can dump me, you can date, you can go on to tinder, you can lie, you can deceive, you can put me out of the apartment, you can ignore me, you can use me and I'll still be there. I don't know any other way to say it...but I believe the "180" was suggested to you ages ago. You wouldn't follow it. This is weak..very, very weak - this is what she sees. Someone who is wrapped around her little finger. Not good. Can't say 180 would have changed her mind, but it certainly would have helped you. And then sending that message the next morning...just no. Stop.

 

She's keeping you around as plan B. In case she is unable to find whatever it is she is looking for. Drop out. Please. Never allow yourself to be someone's plan B. Never let someone put you on the back burner.

 

You "can't" get over her because you haven't tried to. You haven't spent any significant amount of time NC, as was suggested. You have not put in any real effort to get over her, so of course you are hurting as if it's day 1.

 

You won't follow advice. You won't believe what we are telling you. You want to believe if you do every thing she wants she will come back. Folks on this board have been through some things, and read a lot of breakup stories on here. This pretty much never works, but for some reason dumpees think being at the dumper's beck and call will turn things around. Dumper gets to wean themselves off of you, while you are thinking progress toward reconciling is being made :/

 

At this point, how do you know she hasn't been on any dates? Because she said so? Sure seems she hasn't been forthcoming with any additional information until the point at which she's been busted. Now she tells you she needs to move on? What does that tell you? She was playing you the whole time. Her intention was never to get back together.

 

I'm sorry. You seem like a nice guy. You deserve to love and be loved and respected in return. You can get through this. If you will only act on the advise that has been given so so many times. Really sorry for your pain, but you have to choose to stop going back for more.

[Zahara]

And said she's not sure if she's ready to date but she needs to try and move on from me that she's too attached to me and wants to depart herself from me

 

Why is she telling me she loves me and misses me and Gavin me over again to sleep with me and help her if she wants to daTe other ppl.

 

If you go back and read your other threads, you will find the answers. It was reiterated to you many times, over and over as to her motives and her behaviors.

 

This is a pattern. All this is not surprising anymore.

 

You are in deep denial and cannot seem to remove yourself from the emotional fog and the only way you'll likely be able to stick to NC one day is when you've been hurt far too much -- that's when the pain of NC is far more tolerable than the pain of being with her.

[Chin Up]

She may be using tinder as an ego boost. I know a lot of friends go on there after a breakup, just to get their confidence back. They have no interest in dating but like to pop on and then say "ohh look at this guy who messaged me" but they still cry in their pillows every night. Not saying that's what she's doing, but who knows. Regardless...

 

As a female dumper (that sounds gross lol)im telling you that you need to start respecting yourself more, starting now! I can tell you if I asked my ex to fix my stuff, run my errands, be my taxi etc he'd tell me to go take a flying fk lol and rightfully so!

 

She's getting to have the have the perks of being in a relationship with you, without having to be in a relationship. You're not winning her over by doing whatever she wants, you're flat out being a door mat, sorry.

 

You're going to do what you want, dumpees always do cuz they aren't thinking straight, but you need to go all or nothing.

 

Don't want a relationship with me? Then get lost!

 

Delete and block her, now. It won't be easy, but it can't be worse than this.

Edited July 18, 2017 by Chin Up