Who did wrong?

[wangzi23]

Hello! Me and my boyfriend are a little at ends about who had the right to get mad, who ultimately did wrong, etc. in a previous fight/argument.

 

 

 

 

How it started:

 

 

 

 

My Instagram profile is occasionally private or public and I admit that my Instagram attracts random Chinese guys to follow me and sometimes compliment my photos of my face/body or any photo of mine. They usually comment in Chinese, and I've studied for four/five years Chinese so I can easily communicate with them if I need to. My boyfriend does not understand any Chinese. He always uses Korean, which I hardly understand, to talk to his friends who are both boy and girl so I thought it was okay to use Chinese to talk to people.

 

 

 

 

When I noticed they comment a lot on my photos, I made a basic rule for myself to not cause any worry to my boyfriend, which was not to say anything or reply to any guy who compliment my face or body, but if they compliment a photo of, say, my hamster or my boyfriend's cat or food, then I sometimes reply in Chinese saying thank you or agreeing with them or answering a question they ask about the photo directly. That is all I do; I do not follow them back, I do not like or comment their photo, and I do not private message them.

 

 

 

 

There was this one Chinese guy who I've noticed comments on my photos a lot recently, saying I am beautiful or that this photo looks very delicious (picture of food) or the photo looks very cute (cat photo), etc. I've replied to his comments a couple of times, following my above rule. I never made him think I was flirting or interested in him in general; I just replied in a friendly manner as I would to anyone who made comment on my photos. I didn't treat him with any special attention.

 

 

 

 

One time, this very guy commented on a photo of my face, saying "I<3U." I totally ignored it and didn't think it was anything serious or special, and so even though he said this on my photo, I continued to reply to his other comments he made later on other photos, such as him saying "I don't like carrots in soup" on a food photo, and "that cat looks like Kiki's Delivery Service cat" on a cat photo, etc.

 

 

 

 

The fight:

 

 

 

 

I get a call from my boyfriend at 4 AM, where he seemed a little worried and slightly upset and wanted answers from me. He asked me who is this guy, why did he say I<3U to me, why did I keep talking to him after he said that to me, etc. He later said he found out this guy said I<3U to me when he was commenting on my photos (he usually does not comment on my photos but he wanted to surprise me for 520 day (a couple's holiday) and that was when he noticed the I<3U comment).

 

 

 

 

I tried to explain to him that I don't care if random strangers like me or love me, I just want to be a nice person. But this explanation didn't help him feel good. I then tried to compare myself to a celebrity, where celebrities always get fanboys or fangirls or admirers commenting on their photos and saying I<3U type comments. This also didn't help him feel good. He was increasingly getting more impatient and upset on the phone. It made me lose my patience and we both started raising our voices, where he kept accusing me of talking to him privately or flirting with the guy in Chinese (though my boyfriend didn't even translate or ask what was said in Chinese) and me defending myself that I didn't do wrong.

 

 

 

 

I kept trying to explain that I didn't think I did wrong or anything harmful to our relationship, but he got so mad at me that he said, "I don't want you anymore, bye bitch whore **** you" and hung up. I was so shocked he said this. Then he messaged me on text saying he will block me everywhere and not message me anymore. I didn't reply to his messages. I didn't answer his phone calls except maybe one time but only for us to keep yelling and hanging up again.

 

 

 

 

He called my phone over 10 times and I just texted him to stop calling. He later stopped. We didn't talk for the whole day. I was confused why he was so angry with me... I didn't know what I did wrong, he didn't explain clearly on the phone and I wanted us to talk when we are both okay again. I later called him in the evening wanting an explanation.

 

 

 

 

We talked on the phone and he then said that what I did to him was like cheating to him, and he doesn't like it if I let a guy who says he loves me into my life and I talk to him, "giving him a chance." He said I should have blocked him right away and not continued to reply to his other comments he had made later.

 

 

 

 

My boyfriend now threatens me that if I do not "get this" value in my head, he will want to break up with me for good...

 

 

 

 

I would really like to know everyone's opinion on this matter. Who did wrong? Both of us, one of us? What would you do if you were in either of our position? I really need some insight on this drama...sorry... T__T

[whichwayisup]

Question, why do you feel the need to post pictures of yourself and get (specifically Chinese guys) to comment on how you look? Are you insecure or in need of an ego feed?

 

It doesn't matter who's right or who's wrong - How about solving the issue instead of pointing fingers. Each of you are responsible for your own reactions and how you both deal with emotional issues. Obviously he doesn't like that some guys are flirty with his girlfriend and he's had enough.

 

If you love him and he loves you, compromise. Always put your setting to private and only let people you actually "know" like or comment on your pictures. Not strangers.

[todreaminblue]

i dotn think its needs defining who is right or wrong the fight is a done deal..what is more important si hwo yoru boyfriend"feels" and how you feel....i understadn that you meant no harm...i can see that you are trying to be nice........but what si mor eimportant you being nice to a random stranger or being thoughtful of your bfs feelings......maybe you writing in chinese is making him insecure....ao write in english......and when a guy write i love you i assume that was what that three thing meant......you dont reply and delete the comment and let yoru bf know you did...... personally i would delete and block the random i would pm him why i chose to do that and wish him well........but thats me.......i wish you luck and hope that this fight is over for you and for your bf....and some resolution and compromise is good for the both of you.....deb

[Space Ritual]

I have to agree with Whichwayisup to some extent.

 

Why do you feel a need to post pics of yourself in the first place.

 

That is something I still have trouble with in the internet age.Because no one, not you, me, or anyone else, is interesting enough that they need to post endless photos of themselves, their pets, and especially their stupid MEALS.

 

Your Boyfriend should be enough.

 

I have to say you pose it like this is a contest for you to appeal to a random internet forum to see which one of you is in the wrong. What that shows to me, is that you in reality have no idea how relationships work. It is about caring and compromise to complement each other like a fine wine, not a contest to prove who is right or wrong.

 

In reality, no one gives one whit about what you look like, or the bad food you cook. When you put yourself out there on Front Street in a "Look At Me And How Wonderful My Life IS" fashion, you expose yourself to not only comments that may be misconstrued by others,but also you expose yourself to people like me.

People like me find Instagram, Twitter, and FB an exercise in futility and find the content that most people think is exciting laughable at best.

 

I am trying to tell you in a roundabout way you need to grow up and get over yourself and very quickly, because people in real life won't put up with having their relationships relegated to a test of wills over Instagram for very long.

Edited May 27, 2017 by Space Ritual

[Gr8fuln2020]

wangzi23,

 

I don't believe you did anything wrong. People now days use social media in many ways and it is common for them to show their faces, etc. I am not personally interested, but on a rare occasion I may post myself doing something exceptional (for me) or fun to share. Of course, I don't share it with the world, only family and friends. Sharing that kind of stuff to the world seems a little disturbingly voyeuristic.

 

Anyway, your boy friend was not right to accuse you of cheating. There was no intent and if he had been more objective, he would have seen that.

 

To avoid such in the future, either block those who make personal comments or don't put pics of yourself up with the items/subjects in question.

[preraph]

The guy said "I love you" and you kept talking to him. Would you want a woman to tell your bf "I love you" and then he just keeps on being friendly to them? Of course not.

 

But the main point I want to make her is social media is not worth anything if it destroys your relationships, so get your priorities straight. Neither of you should be looking for fans on social media if you are dedicated to each other. Stop putting strangers on social media above your bf and have an agreement that he do the same, in social media and in real life. Or what's the point? It's making your life worse, not better, so why do it?

[smackie9]

You should have deleted the guy's comment and told him not to do it again, it's not appropriate because you have a BF. It's disrespectful to your relationship to openly have orbiters giving you attention like that. It's nice to socialize but as long as you set boundaries for these people. That guy stepped over the line and you should have dealt with it. You can get the message across and still be nice about it. I can see why your BF is upset. He could have talked to you about it in a proper way BUT I get his point of view. BTW, there is a big difference between opposite sex friends who are actually friends verses a bunch of strange guys openly admiring you. It's not as innocent as you may think, just because you don't respond. Listen to your BF....what has been going on with this is making him uncomfortable....it's called boundaries. You have to tweak things in your life when you are in a relationship to respect your partner's feelings. I'm sure when things cool down, you two can work it out. Oh well you are young....it's a learning experience.

[Maggie4]

You were wrong. Your boyfriend was frustrated that you don't even know what you did was wrong. And, it is enough reason for him to dump you, because you just don't get it. Now if you are just naive, it's really time to mature and learn better judgement. With or without a boyfriend, your behavior can get you into trouble. You don't know these random people, some weird guy can hurt you because you (unintentionally) led him on. Better wise up on how men think.

 

Your boyfriend was wrong to swear at you. It shows disrespect and you may find it hard to move forward after he had called you those names. But you should take into account his swearing habits before this incident. At some point if you feel he no longer respects you, then there's no hope for the relationship. He can criticize what you did, not who you are.

[Gemma1]

I think the Instagram thing is pretty ridiculous and stupid, and if I were your boyfriend I just wouldn't have dated you because of it. But he decided to date you anyway, so that's on him.

 

Him swearing at you the way he did is just not acceptable. I don't understand why you want to be with him after that. No guy has ever talked to me that way and I would never put up with it. So basically, you are both wrong.

[EdeeMX]

I feel like you did nothing wrong at all!!!!

Who cares of you're posting pictures of yourself it's not like you're flashing the camera and showing your ass and your boobs. That would be a different story.

It's clear that he's insecure!

And I guess if you knew how jealous he was you could've mentioned it to him before he saw it on his own.

He did over react also because he assumed a whole bunch of other things that were not true. You should be able to talk to him and let him know that you guys just needed to calmly talk about it first before anything. If he doesn't want to listen to reason or believe you, then I would leave to him like this.. I've talked to you calmly and explained the situation. I love you and I wouldn't do anything to ever sabatoge our relationship. If you just don't want to believe me then I can't do anything else if I've told you everything.

[smackie9]

I feel like you did nothing wrong at all!!!!

Who cares of you're posting pictures of yourself it's not like you're flashing the camera and showing your ass and your boobs. That would be a different story.

It's clear that he's insecure!

And I guess if you knew how jealous he was you could've mentioned it to him before he saw it on his own.

He did over react also because he assumed a whole bunch of other things that were not true. You should be able to talk to him and let him know that you guys just needed to calmly talk about it first before anything. If he doesn't want to listen to reason or believe you, then I would leave to him like this.. I've talked to you calmly and explained the situation. I love you and I wouldn't do anything to ever sabatoge our relationship. If you just don't want to believe me then I can't do anything else if I've told you everything.

Soooo how would you feel if a girl you didn't know sends a message "I love you!" :love: to your BF?? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

[frigginlost]

Wow, a ton of over-analyzing going on here.

 

Social media is what it is, some love it, some hate it. It's the sign of the times and if you're going to be on it you take all that comes with it.

 

OP,

 

You really didn't do anything wrong, but I can understand where his head is at. It's just insecurities showing their ugly head.

 

I am somewhat in agreement with Smackie9, but I would have handled it a little different. After he left you the "I <3 U" comment, you should have immediately commented with something along the lines of "Thanks, so does my boyfriend who I adore". You would have killed two birds with one stone. Instead, you ignored it which put you in this position of nobody knowing where they stand. Don't do that. If it is something you are not comfortable in putting out there, then you probably should be single as you boyfriend does not deserve to be put in a situation where he does not know where you stand.

[Ieris]

@wangzi23 ~ You did nothing wrong, your boyfriend just went crazy and jumped to conclusions. Talking to an admirer does not equal to cheating, it just shows how insecure he is. If you were really cheating surely you wouldn't be dumb enough to leave that kind of evidence, you'd also be following him back and liking all his pictures which you did not.

 

If you are relatively attractive then you'll naturally attract fans on social media, who will say that sort of stuff so it really isn't a big deal. He blew things out of proportion and accused you of cheating before getting any real evidence. I personally would cut him loose.