Still want her back even when she has someone else

[mikeadams100]

My girlfriend of 12 years fell out of love and asked for a time off a year ago.

 

We were a happy couple. Looking back, she was loving and extremely dedicated to our relationship. Those were awesome years. I was already determined that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and planning on how to propose to her is already in the works, especially now that I moved out to a better job. Except during the past 2 years, I was too busy in my (previous) work, too much into other people, that there are times I made her feel I took her for granted. That time, we always argued over me being friends with a female co-worker, and I thought that by changing jobs, things will get better.

 

Thats what she thought too. But she only realized that she was already tired from what we went through. She wanted time to move on from the hurt, but in the end, she is moving on from me.

 

Fast forward to today, she already has someone else. Another guy saw his opportunity to confess his love, and finally got his chance.

 

But despite that, my girl and I never really lost contact. We are still regularly seeing each other. A day never passed without us talking through text, chat, or call. I still meet her up for dinners or weekend brunches. And there were times, though rarely, that we go out of town.

 

I still love her and I still want her back.

 

I thought that ill be alright with this setup, even when she has another. Its okay for me to be friends with her.

 

Then she told me that she and her new guy will be having an overnight trip alone. It's like being punched in the gut, while being pushed off from a plane without parachute. I cant help imagine the things that could happen behind closed doors--having that very thing I held sacred, all for myself, just like that, will be freely given to that guy.

 

I couldnt help but tell her how hurt I am. I asked her why she couldnt give us another chance. What she told me made me both hopeful and hopeless.

 

All this time, she told me, she's trying to see if she can fall in love with me again. Why, she asks, would she stay in their relationship if she realizes that she still has feelings for me? It's hurting her too, to see me this way, but she really can't do anything about it. She's as confused on what to do next as I am.

 

I just feel helpless at the moment. It's exhausting being in this rollercoaster of emotions, being high when were together only to crash and drop every moment she spends with another guy.

 

I want to continue and finish what we started, but how..

[basil67]

Oh Mike, you're being such a doormat to her. You're giving her the best of both worlds - the new squeeze and good, faithful old Mike - why would she hurry her decision?

 

There are no sure ways to lure her back. But I think you're doing the wrong thing by being at her beck and call. You're not allowing her to miss you. I think you should consider dropping out of her life.

 

Of course, you can word it in a way which gives her the ability to choose you. "It's just too painful for me to not have you as a girlfriend and I need to go No Contact in order to recover. If you change your mind, call me. If I haven't met anybody else, I would love to try again"

 

Yes, it will hurt incredibly. But this isn't working for you either.

[todreaminblue]

whatever you feel she is with someone else...she when with you was dedicated to your relationship and loving you say...be that for her now....be happy for her give her a chance to have happiness and support her in her relationship she is in...thats true love .......she gave you a good chance.....give her one now with her new man .....let her go..find someone new for you never take love for granted...take it as a lesson learned ...dont accept breadcrumbs from her..deb

[ItIsNotMe]

Better go in NC mode. If she really has feelings for you and wants you back, give her the opportunity to start missing you. If she begins missing you and aprreciating your attempts to fix your relationship issues, she will found her way to you.

 

My last relationship ended in a similar way - we broke up and I went NC. After 3 months I broke the NC rule by texting her and she texted back. She has already had a new BF but the same day when I texted her, she came to my home. Long story short -

she stayed overnight with me for 2 nights in a row and then she took the decision to go back to him. I told him about our affair and they broke up. She was angry and started accusing me of telling him the truth. However, we took the decision to give our relationship a second chance. Our reunion lasted about 2 weeks when she suddenly sent my a message, telling me that she didn't love me anymore and wants to try her luck with the other guy.

 

You can't do anything but letting her be with him.

 

1. It's possible that she will never come back to you.

2. It's also possible to continue your friendship +/- benefits.

3. She will appreciate your attempts and she'll give your relationship a second chance.

4. She will continue dating him behind your back.

5. She will give your relationship a second chance. Then she will get "confused" and she'll cheat on you with him or she'll just leave you again for being with him.

 

12 years is a big part of your life. If you think it's worthy, don't give up. But the decision is in her hands. If she ever comes back, you have to decide if you really want her back after you already know that she has been with another man.

[basil67]

What todreaminblue said: Don't accept breadcrumbs.

[elaine567]

I am slightly confused are you now just friends with her or are you still sleeping together?

[mikeadams100]

I am slightly confused are you now just friends with her or are you still sleeping together?

We're supposed to be just friends. There are a few times we got intimate, but it always end up with her feeling guilty because she's already in a relationship with someone else.

[ItIsNotMe]

Ok. I can't understand this kind of people - who continue cheating after they've already felt guilty for doing it but they don't stop cheating.

 

If you want less drama and faster solution, tell her that you still love her but you're tired of playing games and competing for her with someone else. She's taking the best of you both and that's it. She wants to be with him but she still wants you in her life for the moments when he isn't there or in case if they break up. If she respects you even for your common past, she would take a decision - to be or not to be.

[todreaminblue]

We're supposed to be just friends. There are a few times we got intimate, but it always end up with her feeling guilty because she's already in a relationship with someone else.

 

 

this is just a wrong situation to be in.....get out of it and make it right ...someone is going to get hurt...she is going against her dedication standards and i am sure th eguy isnt aware...thats not fair...shows no dedication....to either of you..deb

[elaine567]

We're supposed to be just friends. There are a few times we got intimate, but it always end up with her feeling guilty because she's already in a relationship with someone else.

 

My guess is that neither of the two of you are really what she wants, so she has got into this situation where she needs you both to make up the man she really wants. She probably knows you are not the man for her, but the new guy is as yet an unknown quantity. He may grow to be the man of her dreams but in the meantime...

I guess atm if she could break you both into parts and then reconstruct a man out of the best bits of both of you, she would.

 

For you I think this is not really sustainable. I guess she likes the comfort and the habit of having you around, but she is not fully on board.

The EA, the being taken for granted and the arguing will have left deep scars, so whilst she is happy being your friend (mostly) she probably doesn't really want to go back to all that.

Few dumpers if they were honest do want to return, they just like to keep the dumpee as a friend.

To have a friend who is besotted with you is a big bonus for anyone, it is an ego boost and it also assuages any guilt they may have suffered during the split. "I cannot be that bad a person if the dumpee still wants to hang out with me"

 

The new relationship will be a bit scary for her as she doesn't yet know where it will go so it is comforting to have good old Mike around. She doesn't want to lose you out of her life, but whilst she says nothing to make you walk away, she also says nothing that may be construed as a definite yes either.

She thus keeps you in limbo, whilst she continues to develop this new relationship.

I guess if this new relationship founders, she will most likely still be "confused" about you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sooner or later, she will ditch the both of you.

 

She's not that into either of you if she's essentially dating you both at the same time. But when a man comes along who really wows her, you and her current boyfriend will both be eating her dust.

[springy]

Sooner or later, she will ditch the both of you.

 

She's not that into either of you if she's essentially dating you both at the same time. But when a man comes along who really wows her, you and her current boyfriend will both be eating her dust.

 

Agree. She seems to be rebounding...

 

She can't be all that much into him or she wouldn't still be hanging out with you, but on the flip side she doesn't want to go back to you either - but you are providing a comfortable, familiar and soft landing for her transition phase. 12 years is a long time, I'm sure there's a friendship there that she doesn't want to give up...for now. It's like she's got the new thing who doesn't have the history of the resentment she felt toward you, while not having to experience any pain from not having you in her life anymore. You have hung around for an entire year, pretty much making it easier for her. Good deal for her, but not so much for you.

 

I'm sorry but you have accepted the limbo phase for too long. I think if you want to feel better it is time to consider severing this tie. What are your ages?

[springy]

 

It's hurting her too, to see me this way, but she really can't do anything about it.

 

Rubbish...sure she could do something about it. Set you free to find a new love. But she doesn't want to do that, because then her comfort is now taken away. Selfish.

 

You have accepted this demotion to bff. At the very least the second she got a boyfriend it was time for you to exit. Seems so torturous to me. As she would with a buddy, she tells you she's going away for an overnighter. Come on, how is that working for you? These are things she should not be telling you...and you should not even be around to hear about.

 

Consider leaving her to sort herself out; and you can work on sorting yourself out as well.

Edited May 27, 2017 by springy

[Marc878]

She dumped you but you're still trying to hang on. Accepting breadcrumbs and your lower status as a friend.

 

Weakness which is what you're showing is very unnattractive to a woman. My god man can't you see what you're doing by accepting this? Long term damage!!!!!

 

She does what she wants takes another lover and you are???? Your status by doing this will drop below zero to her.

 

Complete no contact, block all media, etc. Oh but wait!!! You might hurt hefeelings? What about yours? Do you value yourself so little you'd act like a puppy?

 

Better wake up

[mikeadams100]

I'm sorry but you have accepted the limbo phase for too long. I think if you want to feel better it is time to consider severing this tie. What are your ages?

 

We're both 27.

 

Ive considered NC for a couple of times and it seems to always end up badly--either she feels down throughout the day and ill feel guilty for making her feel that way knowing she has other problems, or she'll be angry at me for causing unnecessary drama. During those times, she thinks that I cant be "steady" enough to understand her situation, and Im too blinded by my emotions to appreciate her time and gestures for me to be okay. I learned from her that all this time, she's trying to figure out if she still has feelings for me.

 

But how? I feel that I havent given her enough time to miss me and really reflect on her feelings. Or am I making a mistake by even attempting NC and letting her see that im affected everytime she's with her new guy?

[springy]

Do you not see how selfish and manipulative this is? She needs you to keep her happy while she's seeing another man!!! See how she makes it all about her? If she needs cheering up she can go talk to her new fella.

 

Let her feel the loss. Go NC and stay NC. We are trying to tell you, many from experience, how to break free from this. You are wasting time feeling sorry for her? While she's cuddled up with someone else with you on standby? And telling you about her rendezvous?! What about you? Better find your strength. Why do you accept this? Making her comfy while you suffer? Sever the tie so you can move on. Block her and you won't have to worry about how she's feeling...wow what a piece of work she is. Got you wrapped around her finger.

 

You are not in a position of strength, but of weakness, allowing her to manipulate you after she dumped you! No guarantee of reconciliation anyway, but this surely will not get you what you want!

[Marc878]

We're both 27.

 

Ive considered NC for a couple of times and it seems to always end up badly--either she feels down throughout the day and ill feel guilty for making her feel that way knowing she has other problems, or she'll be angry at me for causing unnecessary drama.

 

This isn't even close to no contact. She dumped you so she isn't your problem.

 

During those times, she thinks that I cant be "steady" enough to understand her situation, and Im too blinded by my emotions to appreciate her time and gestures for me to be okay. I learned from her that all this time, she's trying to figure out if she still has feelings for me.

 

She's with another guy. Cmon ma!

 

But how? I feel that I havent given her enough time to miss me and really reflect on her feelings. Or am I making a mistake by even attempting NC and letting her see that im affected everytime she's with her new guy?

 

The worse thing you can do in a break up is the "pick me dance"

 

She doesn't miss you at all because you're doing the needy, clingy hanging on.

 

The best way to get someone back is walk away and do your own thing.

 

All you're doing is making a bad situation worse

[ExpatInItaly]

It isn't your job to pick her up when she's down anymore. You're not making her feel that way, either. That's all her. And I'm sorry, but so what if she's feeling sad? She's an adult, and needs to start acting like one by learning to soothe herself.

 

She is too old to be behaving this way. But you've been Ol' Faithful for so long that she expects you to come running when she "needs" you.

 

You've been together since you were 15. It ran its course and she's looking for you out of habit, not because she is in love with you. It's time you both cut the cord and moved on to the next chapters of your lives.